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 Hal Linden QuotationMovie Title: Barney Miller (1975) as Captain Barney Miller / Barney Miller: Detective Ron Harris : Barney, his wife has decided not to press charges, so I let him go after giving him that spiel you always give about "not losing one's perspective." Captain Barney Miller : I'm... flattered that you chose to use it. Detective Ron Harris : Well, I thought it oughta be in the public domain *by now*... Dietrich : Was that Mrs. Miller? Barney Miller : Yeah. Dietrich : Past tense was unintentional. Barney Miller : That's not the way we operate around here. We do everything by the book, according to regulations, above board. Del Veccio : I believe you. Barney Miller : You don't look like you do. Del Veccio : It's my face. I mean this face doesn't look like it trusts anybody. When I proposed to my wife, she thought I was joking. This face is a curse. Barney Miller : What happened Levitt? Levitt : I talked it over with a couple of doctors and they said 'forget it'. Barney Miller : Incurable, hunh? Levitt : Yes sir. Five six and a half, that's it. Fish : The doctor said he was very lucky, the bullet just grazed him. Barney Miller : Where'd she hit him? Fish : In the inseam. Gardeno: I just wanna do my job. I don't wanna shave. Barney Miller : What's the matter, you got a skin condition? Gardeno: If necessary. Barney Miller : And the earring? Gardeno: I'm engaged. Barney Miller : You go home, shave, put on a clean shirt, break your engagement, and report back to me. Gardeno: What about my transfer? Barney Miller : What the hell for? They'll just send you to somebody who's not nearly as sweet as I am. Barney Miller : [Just as he walks in the door, a gun is pointed at his face] I hate starting the day off like this. Barney Miller : What's the weather like? Elizabeth Miller : It's brown. Barney Miller : Is it raining? Elizabeth Miller : Something is coming down but it isn't rain. I think it's a new plague. Isn't it nice? Barney Miller : A little brown weather is normal for New York at this time of year. When it gets colder, we can look forward to a tan Christmas. Barney Miller : David, there's two and a half million dollars worth of toys in this house, why do you always have to play with the gun? Captain Barney Miller : Take Officer LEVITT with you. Insp. Frank Luger : Hunh? Okay. Let's go Levine. [Levitt rolls his eys and joins him] Captain Barney Miller : [Barney and Wojo are using the phone at the same time well stading right next to each other] Hello? Hello? Wojo : Hello? Captain Barney Miller : Hello, bomb disposal? Wojo : No, this is Wojciehowitz. Captain Barney Miller : Get off the line. I'm trying to reach Bomb Disposal. Wojo : Who's this? Captain Barney Miller : Barney! Wojo : Oh, hey, Barn, how's it going? Captain Barney Miller : GET OFF THE LINE! Captain Barney Miller : Arrest the first naked guy you see with a dirty mouth. Gardeno: [After Barney asked him to shave off his large beard] Cute, ain't I? Clean cut. Charming. Now when I bust some punk in the street and I say, "Freeze! I'm a police officer", he's gonna look at me and laugh, and say "Ha ha ha, look at that kid". Then he'll pull out a piece and blow my keister off. Barney Miller : Don't be ridiculous. Gardeno: Freeze! I'm a police officer. Yemana : Ha ha ha. Elizabeth Miller : Here's a brochure from our travel agent about crossing on the S.S. France. It costs about $4,000 one way. Now, these are the three best hotels in Paris: Plaza Acadé, the Bristol and the Creon. The villa into the south of France costs $1,250 a week. Then we fly back to Paris and then back to New York. That makes the whole thing cost $26,000 for six weeks. Can we afford it? Barney Miller : No. Elizabeth Miller : Okay. [tosses brochure in the garbage] Elizabeth Miller : How about taking me to lunch? Barney Miller : You didn't have to go through all that just to get me to take you to lunch. Elizabeth Miller : I thought you would be more excited about the idea if you thought I saved you $26,000. Barney Miller : I'll go with you myself. Det. Janice Wentworth : Please, Captain Miller? You're gonna have to let me go some time. Barney Miller : What do you say, Fish? Fish : I'd like to, Barney, but it would kill Bernice if she found out I died in the company of another woman. Elizabeth Miller : Phil, that is just terrible! Fish : Okay, Wentworth, come on. But I'M driving. |
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