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 Steve Whitmire QuotationMovie Title: Muppet*vision 3-D (1991) as Waldo C. Graphic / Rizzo the Rat: Waldo C. Graphic : [after being inflated and duplicated] Great! Now I can start my own football team! Sam the Eagle : Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, it is my honor to present to you... Mr. Mickey Mouse! Rizzo the Rat : [singing to the tune of the Mickey Mouse Club March] Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da! Hiya, hiya, hiya! Sam the Eagle : Hey, you're not Mickey Mouse! You're a rat! Rizzo the Rat : Rat, schmat! They're tourists! What do they know? Scooter : Uh, ladies and gentlemen, if you could just step as far forward and close together as you can. Rizzo the Rat : Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, real close, you see we're doing research on deoderant strength. Movie Title: The Muppet Christmas Carol (1992) as Kermit the Frog / Rizzo the Rat: Gonzo : I am here to tell the story. Rizzo the Rat : And I am here for the food. Rizzo the Rat : Light the lamp, not the rat, light the lamp. [Gonzo and Rizzo are flying over London] Gonzo : Hello, London. Rizzo the Rat : Goodbye, lunch. Rizzo the Rat : Mother always taught me: "Never eat singing food." Rizzo the Rat : [As he is being used to clean a window] Thanks for making me a part of this. Kermit the Frog : If you please Mr. Scrooge, it's gotten colder and the bookkeeping staff would like an extra shovel full of coal for the fire. Rat #1: All of your pens have turned to inkcicles. Rat #2: Our assets are frozen. Ebenezer Scrooge : How would the bookkeeping staff like to be suddenly... UNEMPLOYED? Rats: [singing] HEAT WAVE. This is my island in the sun. Rizzo the Rat : There are two things in life I hate-heights and jumping from them. Gonzo : Come on, I'll catch you. Rizzo the Rat : God save my little broken body. [Jumps and falls to the ground. He looks at Gonzo] Gonzo : Missed. Rizzo the Rat : Oh wait- I forgot my jellybeans. [Slides through the bars to retrieve them, and joins Gonzo back on the other side, who is staring at him] Rizzo the Rat : What? Gonzo : You can fit through those bars? Rizzo the Rat : Yeah. Gonzo : You are such an idiot. Ebenezer Scrooge : What right have you to be merry? You're poor enough. Fred : What right have you to be dismal? You're rich enough. Rizzo the Rat : Got 'im there. The old boys speechless. Ebenezer Scrooge : Nephew, if I could work my will any idiot who goes around with a Merry Christmas on his lips would be cooked with his own turkey and buried with a stake of holly through his heart. Rizzo the Rat : Well, not quite speechless. Rizzo the Rat : Well hoity-toity Mr. God-Like Smarty Pants. Rizzo the Rat : Rats don't understand these things. Gonzo : You were never a lonely child? Rizzo the Rat : I had twelve hundred and seventy four brothers and sisters. Movie Title: It's a Very Merry Muppet Christmas Movie (2002) as Kermit: Triumph the Insult Comic Dog : Kermit, your show has always been my favorite. Kermit : You really mean that? Triumph the Insult Comic Dog : FOR ME TO POOP ON. [In a parody of 'Moulin Rouge.'] Robin : I'm the Green Fairy. Kermit : But what are you doing in my drink? Fozzie : The backstroke. Kermit : How do you know THAT? Oh, wait a second, you don't run one of those Muppet Internet fan sites, do ya? Movie Title: Muppet Treasure Island (1996) as Captain Abraham Smollett / Rizzo: Rizzo : What's wrong? Gonzo : It just feels so weird. Rizzo : You mean that Mr. Arrow's dead? Gonzo : Yeah, that... and my pants are filled with starfish. Rizzo : You and your hobbies. Rizzo : Captured by crazed wild boars and about to be sacrificed hideously before a pagan altar. Gonzo : Are we lucky or what? Benjamina Gunn : You left me standing at the altar. Captain Abraham Smollett : I was on a ship headed for Zanzibar. I got cold feet. Benjamina Gunn : You're a frog. You're supposed to have cold feet. Rizzo : It's some kind of a blind fiend. Gonzo : I believe they prefer visually challenged fiend. Rizzo : He died? And this is supposed to be a kids' movie. Rizzo : I've gone way beyond afraid. Right now I'm somewhere between bedwetting and a near death experience. Captain Abraham Smollett : Who hired this crew? This is undoubtedly the seediest bunch of cutthroats, villains and scoundrels I have ever seen, so who hired them? [Everyone points at Young Squire Trelawney, who in turn points at his finger] Captain Abraham Smollett : Your finger hired the crew? Squire Trelawney : No, that's silly. The man who *lives* in my finger hired the crew. Mr. Samuel Erroll : That will be 40 lashes and then you walk the plank. Captain Abraham Smollett : I didn't say that, Mr. Arrow. Mr. Samuel Erroll : I was anticipating your whim, Sir. Rizzo : If you're going to be the cook on this ship, Mr. Silver, I am definitely going to need bigger pants. Rizzo : Maybe he gets hopping mad. Jim Hawkins : I hate my life. Gonzo : I hate your life, too. Rizzo : If I had a life, I'd hate it. Jim Hawkins : Kill Captain Smollett, and you'll have to kill me. Gonzo : Kill Jim, and you'll have to kill me. Squire Trelawney : Kill Gonzo, and you'll have to kill me. Rizzo : Kill Squire Trelawney and Mr. Bimbo, and you'll have to... negotiate strenuously. Benjamina Gunn : Going somewhere, John-John? Long John Silver : Well, Master Hawkins, it seems that your little family has come together against me. Rizzo : The ocean. You know, the big blue wet thing. Captain Abraham Smollett : Bug-Faced Baby-Eating O'Brian. Woman: [deep voice] Aye. [officers stand agast for a moment] Captain Abraham Smollett : Angel Marie. Angel Marie: [an ugly creature] Aye. Squire Trelawney : Gentlemen, this is a genuine bona-fide treasure map. Jim Hawkins : Really? Squire Trelawney : Oh, yes. Mr. Bimbo told me so. [pause] Squire Trelawney : Oh, Mr. Bimbo is the man who lives inside my finger. He is very smart. He's been to the moon. [puts finger to his ear] Squire Trelawney : Oh... twice. Rizzo : I smell a bozo. Benjamina Gunn : Smollett. Is that really you? Captain Abraham Smollett : Benjamina? Benjamina Gunn : Hi-yah! [Karate chops Smollett, sends him flying into the gong] Captain Abraham Smollett : [to the gong ringer] Old girlfriend. Rizzo : [greeting rat tourists into the ship] Be sure to have your checks made out to Rat Cruises Limited. Remember: we put the "rat" in "pirate". Movie Title: Kermit's Swamp Years: The Real Story Behind Kermit the Frog's Early Years (2002) as Kermit: Kermit : What was that? Pilgrim : That was a pig. Kermit : I hope I never see another one of those again as long as I live. Movie Title: The Muppets Take Manhattan (1984) as Gil the Frog: Bill the Frog : I'll pick up the bill today, Gil. Gil the Frog : Would you like something from the grill, Jill? Jill the Frog : No, meat makes me ill, Gil. Movie Title: The Tale of the Bunny Picnic (1986) as Bean: [after talking quietly to himself in bed] Bean : [loudly] Wait a minute, Wait a minute, wait a minute.. [falls off the bed] Lugsy : we're waiting... Movie Title: A Muppet Family Christmas (1987) as Turkey: Gonzo : This is not a good place for turkies! Turkey : Not to worry. I'm a survivor. Turkey : Where's my room? Gonzo : If you're not careful, it'll be in the oven. Gonzo : Camila's MY girlfriend! Turkey : You're not even a bird! Gonzo : Well, nobody's perfect. Movie Title: The Daily Show (1996) as Kermit the Frog: Jon Stewart : Isn't how if you lick a frog, you star to get crazy thoughts? Kermit the Frog : If you lick a frog, you were crazy to start with. Jon Stewart : [to audience] I can't believe it, the frog's running circles around me, this is terrible. Jon Stewart : is it true that when you lick a frog you go crazy? Kermit the Frog : I can tell ya, when you lick a frog you ARE crazy. Movie Title: The Adventures of Elmo in Grouchland (1999) as Ernie: Ernie : Come on Bert, what kind of movie has a sad ending? Bert : Titanic. Titanic had a sad ending. Movie Title: Muppets From Space (1999) as Kermit / Rizzo the Rat / Rentro / Rizzo: [Ed is examining Gonzo] Ed Singer : No nostrils. How do you smell? Rizzo the Rat : Awful. Trust me, I'm his roommate. Gonzo : Rizzo, come here, my Cap'n Alphabet is sending me a message: R U There. Rizzo : Are you sure it didn't say are you NUTS?! Gonzo : I had that weird dream again. Rizzo the Rat : You mean the one with the goat and the dwarf and the jar of peanut butter? Gonzo : Hey, Rizzo, come here! I think my Kap'n Alphabet is sending me a message. Rizzo the Rat : Yeah, I know what you mean. I had some guacamole last night, and it's still speaking to me. Rizzo : What?! I cannot believe that little shrimp left us behind! Pepe : I am not a shrimp. I am a king prawn! Gonzo : Rizzo? Rizzo : No, it's Santa, but I forgot my reindeer. Pepe : Hey, Kermit. When will you fix the oven, okay? Kermit : What's wrong with the oven? [oven explodes] Pepe : That. Kermit : You know what you are, Gonzo? Gonzo : What? Kermit : Distinct. Gonzo : I'm an alien! Rizzo : What, have you been tap-dancing on the barbecue again? Gonzo : Well, it's just that I'm sick and tired of being a one-of-a-kind freak, that's all. Kermit : Gonzo, you are not a one-of-a-kind freak. You're a, uh . . . uh . . . Gonzo : A whatever? Kermit : Well . . . yeah. Gonzo : Rizzo? Rizzo : Gonzo? Miss Piggy : Kermy? Kermit : Piggy? TV Producer : What is going on here?! TV Producer : Gonzo, you've got it. Rizzo : Sure wish we could find a cure for it. Rizzo : I don't like the look of those guys. This rat smells a rat. Agent Barker : [to Gonzo] The limo is right this way. Rizzo : Did he say limo? Wait a second, I'm his translator. Hold up! Agent Barker : We feel your pain, Gonzo. Gonzo : They feel my pain! Rizzo : I've got a paper-cut that's a doozy. You feel my pain, too? Miss Piggy : I've got great news! Gonzo has been kidnapped by the government and it could be a life-threatening situation! Kermit : How can that be great news? Miss Piggy : Because, I've got a story, I've got a story! Oh! I need to change! Something that says journalistic integrity. Kermit : [on spy gadgets] Ahah. The old rubber ducky with invisibility-spray trick. Check. Ed Singer : [puts on glove] May I? Rizzo : I think before you answer that question you'd better be real clear on the final destination of that finger. Kermit : Okay, guys. It's up to us. We have to save Gonzo from a whole army of government agents. Fozzie : Well, I have a joke book. Animal : Drumsticks, drumsticks! Pepe : I have some loose jello, okay. Kermit : Okay. Well that settles that. Rizzo : How you doin', Ed? Fast Eddie: Well, I ain't dead. Dr. Tucker : From this moment on, if I say you're hungry, you eat. If I say you're sleepy -- Rizzo : I eat? [Gonzo appears on live TV] Clifford : Hey, you better get down there, Kerm. Kermit : Relax. No one is going anywhere, okay? Gonzo : [on TV] You see, I was contacted through my breakfast cereal, and then it was confirmed to me by the Cosmic Fish that I am definitely from outer space. Rizzo : So you want to go now, or wait for the commercial? Kermit : Now. Kermit : What is he doing up there? Rizzo : His breakfast cereal told him to sit up there. Clifford : Talk about whole grain and nuts. Kermit : He's one of us. And no matter what happens, no matter what obstacles we face, we NEVER forget one of our own. Miss Piggy : I love it when you take charge. Fozzie Bear : Hey! We left Bunsen and Beaker back at the gas station. Kermit : Okay . . . Well, uh, from THIS point on , no matter what happens, we never forget one of our own. Rentro : While they're warming up the brain-sucker for ya in surgery, I brought you a sandwich here, and I cut off the crusts for you. Kermit : Okay, guys. We've got to get through those doors. Fozzie Bear : Should we just ask permission from those nice men with the rifles? Ed Singer : Excuse me. Can this thing go any faster? Rentro : I'm doing *thirty.* Gonzo : Now we can go meet my alien brothers at Cape Doom. Kermit : Uh, what makes you think that aliens are landing there, Gonzo? Gonzo : Oh, a sandwich told me. Kermit : When we pull together, we can do anything. Rizzo : Are you telling me we came out here in the middle of the night for a stupid egg? Pepe : Sh! It could be full of chocolate, okay. Kermit : So . . . you'll write? Gonzo : Oh, yeah, sure I'll write. There's probably a mailbox every couple of light years. |
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