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 Joel Hodgson Quotation"By day, I'm a clever comic magician, by night...Agent J." "Being an oddity doesn't bother me, as long as I'm a thought provoking one." "Sometimes I go into my own little world...but that's okay, they know me there." Movie Title: Freaks and Geeks (1999) as Discotheque DJ: Discotheque DJ : Aren't you one of those guys who's always running in here yelling 'disco sucks?' What's the matter, cat got your bong, man? Is that how you learned to communicate? Running in here and yelling stuff? Is that what your precious "rock and roll" teaches you? Ken Miller : No, it teaches me that DISCO SUCKS! Movie Title: Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1988) as Joel Robinson / Joel Hodgson / Robinson, Joel / Joel: Tom Servo : I've asked Joel if he'd raise the level on my sarcasm sequencer. Joel : [using screwdriver on back of Tom's dome] That ought to do it. Tom Servo : Oh, yes. Oh, while you're at it, why don't you keep digging into my back? A warm, relaxing massage with a screwdriver? Oooooooh, sign me up for that! Crow : I think it's working. Tom Servo : The great Crow speaks? Oooooooh, let me anoint your beak with scented oils. Membership in the Crow Fan Club? Oh, it's dream come true for me. Ooooh... Magic Voice : Commercial sign in fifteen seconds. Tom Servo : Commercials? Oh boy, I can't wait. Thirty-second materialistic sound bites that insult our intelligence? Ooooooh, give me more of those! Joel : Uh, I'm gonna have to adjust Tom's sarcasm sequencer. We'll be back after that. Magic Voice : Commercial sign in 5... 4... 3... 2... commercial sign now. Tom Servo : Oh, is the great Joel Robinson going to honor me with his attention? A blessing in disguise? I don't think so! Oh, did a little harder, Joel, I can't feel the pain yet. Crow : You've got him uh, set on uh, constant sarcasm, and you're gonna want to have him on random. Pretty much, I think. Joel : Uh, duh, no kidding. Yeah, I put him on random sarcasm, so he'll only be sarcastic at the appropriate time. Like uh, when someone mentions, uh, like, uh, Pia Zadora? Tom Servo : Well, actually, I think making fun of her has become a cliché. Everybody does it. And you know, in her favor, she was in a John Waters film, you guys. Joel : Okay, well, what about... ummm... Dan Quayle? Tom Servo : Oh, look, Dan Quayle scares me as much as the next guy, but everybody and their sister has come up with a sarcastic Dan Quayle quip. It's just too easy. Joel : I'm not even gonna mention Gallagher, then. Tom Servo : Ooooooooooooh, he is my absolute all-time favorite! Oh, paying money to have watermelon sprayed all over you? Oh, give me more of that. Oversized props mixed with undersized talent? Oooooh, put me in the front row. Excuse me, Mr. Shopkeeper? Can I trade in my volume of Annotated Shakespeare for a tape of "Melon Crazy"? Oh, please, may I? Ooooooooooooooooh! Joel : Uh, genecide has a 'C' in it. Joel : Uh, suicide has a 'U' in it, sir. Joel : You guys are making fun of those two twins in the movie and their faith in Mothra, aren't you? Crow T. Robot : Oh, no. Joel : Well, listen, have a good time. But uh, just be careful when you scoff at a higher being, okay? From one who knows, all right? Tom Servo : Uh, huh. Joel : Leave it at that. Crow T. Robot : Okay. Wow. I learned an important lesson today. Tom Servo : Yeah, thank you, Lucas Tanner. [both laugh, then Mothra appears in the Hexfield] Tom Servo : Whoa, it's Mothra! Whoa! Mothra : Hi, kids. What can I do for ya? Crow T. Robot : Uh, well... Quick, throw it a sweater! Tom Servo : Yikes! Mothra : Saaay, you kids were just joking around, weren't you? Please don't do that. C'mon, I'm a busy moth. Got things to do, civilizations to save. I don't get much rest, I'll tell you that for free. Last night, these natives kept me up until all hours of the morning with their dancing and carrying on. Ah, sure, good kids, they mean well and all, but - You know, you'd think that between all those modern dance interpretations - which I like, don't get me wrong - they could throw in a peppy Vegas-style show-stopper. But no, I'm their god and protector, so they're always so solemn when they're around me. Crow T. Robot : We're really sorry that we disturbed you there, Mothra. Hey, tell us what it's like on Infant Island, will ya? Where do you live? Uh, are you into cacooning? Mothra : Funny. No, but I do like to hang around this giant lightbulb the natives built for me. Crow T. Robot : Uh, do you really lay eggs? Mothra : Let me tell you something, kid. I laid a big egg back when I did the "Thicke of the Night" show. That was a mistake. I've since signed with new management. Say, here's a good one. You know, uh, what the difference is between "Thicke of the Night" and the Titanic? Tom Servo : I'll bite... I don't know. Mothra : The Titanic had entertainment. Dr. Forrester : Well, Joel, this invention is based on the old slinky train toy I had as a kid. It allows me to be in two places at once, connected by the special bio-tube. Well, it's much too complicated; it would take a scientist to explain it, and I'm simply too mad. Well, what do you think, Joel? Joel : Hey, you guys are always stealing my ideas! Dr. Forrester : We're monitoring your mind, Joel. Besides, in space, no one can hear you sue! Joel : If you don't understand it, shoot it. Joel : Hello, sirs! Hey, great movie last week, huh? You know, I don't think a lot of people realize this, but it wasn't really a movie, it was just two Space 1999 segments edited together. Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : Regardless of what it was, it put your ratings through the ceiling! Dr. Forrester : Even you could've beaten the Cincinnati Bengals, and I'm out fifty bucks! Joel : Hey, maybe they'll give me MVP! Dr. Forrester : Don't get cocky with me, you orbiting Wilfred Brimley wannabe! Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : Joel, do the words oxygen deprivation mean anything to you? Look, if your ratings keep going up, we'll be forced to send you... Joel : Geez, you guys. Last week, the ratings were low and you got mad. Dr. Forrester : Hey, we're mad scientists. What do you expect? Larry, put in Humanoid Woman. Joel : MOVIE SIGN! Tom Servo : Say, what have you been doing since the movie, Glen? Glen the amazing collosal man : Uh, you know, bit-parts. Mr. Clean, Green Giant... that kinda thing. Excuse me for a second. [picks up a cow and eats it] Glen the amazing collosal man : You know, I really thought that part in Time Bandits was gonna kick it loose for me! I thought that was gonna make me! But, no... you know, I can't even get back in Vegas anymore! Vegas! Blackballed... can't get in... Tom Servo : Well, you didn't exactly charm the pants off them last time you were in Las Vegas, Glen! Glen the amazing collosal man : You think I'm a freak, don't you! [grab and rocks the sattelite] Tom Servo : Uh-oh. Crow T. Robot : Way to go Servo! Joel : Oh, everyone hold on to something! Glen the amazing collosal man : That's right, I'm a freak! I look like Peter Garrett, I dress like Maude, for God's sake! And I eat live-stock by the hand-fulls! I bet you just wanna run home and tell all your buddies about the half-naked circus freak, don't you sergeant! That's right, everybody take a big steamy look at the circus freak! Hahaha! Joel : Well, c'mon, I think this cloak exudes power and manliness. And, hey, look, I got a horrifying hellbeast right here. [Crow pops up on a leash] Joel : It's pretty scary. Tom Servo : Well, you just look like Maude with a hellbeast. Crow T. Robot : Oh, you mean Estelle Getty? Joel : But, Tom, look! Tom Servo : C'mon, Joel, the cloak is grand, the workmanship is superb, but a neat caftan doesn't automatically qualify you as the devil's spin doctor. Joel : Oh, c'mon, look, it's lined, I got inside pockets, I got a little special one for my Mentos. It's even got a cotton panel... Crow T. Robot : Uh, Joel, Tom's right. It's just not working. You're not the evil type. Joel : What do you mean? Crow T. Robot : Well, for one thing, your face is too friendly, and your eyebrows, they arc gently as opposed to jutting inward, and, well, frankly, Joel. you blush in the most adorable way. Joel : This is really embarassing. Oh, great, the Mads are calling. Doomsday Satellite : Welcome! You have passed through the first three thresholds of the Isaac Asimov Literary Satellite! Enter the disarm code or enjoy the consequences. Remember, this and all literary works of the last century are the sole property of Isaac Asimov and his many affiliates. Thank you for intruding, you have five seconds. Crow T. Robot : Quick Joel, cut EVERY wire! Joel : It's not gonna work, it needs an access code. Tom Servo : Try ego! Crow T. Robot : Sideburns! Joel : I'll try "I, Robot." Doomsday Satellite : [buzz] I'm sorry, the correct entry would have been "copyright" you now have six nanoseconds to realize the consequences. Joel , Tom Servo , Crow T. Robot : [there is a cloud of smoke, when it clears Joel and the bots are babbling and have sideburns - they stop] Huh? Joel : This cockamamie satellite's turned us all into duplicate Isaac Asimovs! Crow T. Robot : Hey, do you think it's a conspiracy? Tom Servo : Oh, no, I covered the conspiracy topic in my ten-volume history of assassinations and coups! Joel : This is TERRIBLE guys. Crow T. Robot : Oh, I don't know, at least now I'll have something to write about. You know, I've been thinking about annotating the Manhattan phone directory. Tom Servo : Oh, look, it's Commercial Sign. That'll fit nicely into my volume on the effects of advertising on the human psyche. Joel : You guys are making fun of those two twins in the movie and their faith in Mothra, aren't you? Crow T. Robot : Oh, no. Joel : Well, listen, have a good time. But uh, just be careful when you scoff at a higher being, okay? From one who knows, all right? Tom Servo : Uh, huh. Joel : Leave it at that. Crow T. Robot : Okay. Wow. I learned an important lesson today. Tom Servo : Yeah, thank you, Lucas Tanner. [both laugh, then Mothra appears in the Hexfield] Tom Servo : Whoa, it's Mothra! Whoa! Mothra : Hi, kids. What can I do for ya? Crow T. Robot : Uh, well... Quick, throw it a sweater! Tom Servo : Yikes! Mothra : Saaay, you kids were just joking around, weren't you? Please don't do that. C'mon, I'm a busy moth. Got things to do, civilizations to save. I don't get much rest, I'll tell you that for free. Last night, these natives kept me up until all hours of the morning with their dancing and carrying on. Ah, sure, good kids, they mean well and all, but - You know, you'd think that between all those modern dance interpretations - which I like, don't get me wrong - they could throw in a peppy Vegas-style show-stopper. But no, I'm their god and protector, so they're always so solemn when they're around me. Crow T. Robot : We're really sorry that we disturbed you there, Mothra. Hey, tell us what it's like on Infant Island, will ya? Where do you live? Uh, are you into cacooning? Mothra : Funny. No, but I do like to hang around this giant lightbulb the natives built for me. Crow T. Robot : Uh, do you really lay eggs? Mothra : Let me tell you something, kid. I laid a big egg back when I did the "Thicke of the Night" show. That was a mistake. I've since signed with new management. Say, here's a good one. You know, uh, what the difference is between "Thicke of the Night" and the Titanic? Tom Servo : I'll bite... I don't know. Mothra : The Titanic had entertainment. Crow T. Robot : You know Joel, that old grandpa guy sure was nice to the teenager from outer space by letting him stay in the apartment without having him pay a rent until he got work. A real life Landlord would never do that. Tom Servo : Why yes, things that happen in the movies are different from what happens in real life. Joel : Right tom, so from our "Look at the Lighter Side Department," we'd like to introduce a new segment called Reel to Real. Check it out, move aside, guys. In reel life... Tom Servo : You are offered free room and board until you can pay off your rent. Joel : And in real life... Crow T. Robot : If your are late with one payment, your room is padlocked, and you end up living in a refridgerator box. Joel : In reel life... Tom Servo : Your roomate is a beautiful woman, who fills your life with afternoon swims, moonlit drives, and the promise of romance. Joel : And in real life... Crow T. Robot : Your roomate is a stinky high school dropout, who fills your life with lice, crusty socks, and burnt cans of spaghettio's. Joel : In reel life... Tom Servo : Your landlord is a rosy-cheeked, cheerful old man. Joel : And in real life... Crow T. Robot : Your landlord is a butane addict, who sneaks into your room, and searches through your underwear drawer. Joel : In reel life... Tom Servo : There is a big fat drunk guy sleeping on your couch. Joel : And in real life... Crow T. Robot : There is a big fat drunk guy sleeping on your couch. Joel : Well, you guys gotta understand, it's really hard to get a new sport going. It's hard to get the recognition that other sports enjoy. Can you name a few? Tom Servo : Uh, kickboxing from the Philippines... uh, tape measure racing... Crow T. Robot : And, uh, computations, and Australian rules football. Joel : Right, and what do all these sports have in common that sidehacking does not? Crow T. Robot : Uh, a rudimentary interest factor? Tom Servo : A sense of fair play? Crow T. Robot : A small measure of self-esteem? Tom Servo : Yeah. Joel : Right, these are all really good answers, but the thing I was looking for was terminology. It's impossible to have play-by-play or color commentary without it! So, let's put our heads together and come up with some terminology that really showcases some of the really exciting moves in our sport, sidehacking. Cambot, roll that footage. Crow T. Robot : [footage plays, the next lines are voice over] It looks like the Wesley Brothers out of John Harding starting things briskly with the Fuller Brush Man in a Rumplestiltskin follow-through with a Teenage Coed Prison! Tom Servo : Out of Wausau, representing Wisconsin, Mitch and Pitch performing the now famous Yank Me Crank Me! Joel : That bright young team, the Allentown Poodles, with their rendition of the Swirly - Oh no, could that have been the Gunkout, Crow? Crow T. Robot : Thanks, Joel. I think that was more of a Spinning Love Funnel from those fresh-faced kids of Kankakee Community College... Tom Servo : Oh my goodness, it's a lineback, a slowburn and a hop, skip and a gold flame with a Fintoozler and an Itchy Gorilla! AN ITCHY GORILLA! Joel : Uh oh, here comes the Big Blue Flamer, followed by Teatime Richard Scarry, the Full Tilt Bozo, Crazy and Just Plain Stupid! Crow T. Robot : It's an exciting day, indeed, here at Japanese War Atrocity Park and Pavillion-On-The-Park, but - what's this? Is that the antiquated old papa Baba O'Riley attempting the Teenage Wasteland on the hey-de-hi-de-ho side of the track? Tom Servo : From the darker side of the street come the Cap Snaffler, Maynard and Eleanor, Casey's Rolling Pizza and Just Imagine! Joel : Meet you on the dark side of the moon, it's the Ghostly Trio, followed by No-Tell Motel, Aspercreme and Death by Chocolate! Crow T. Robot : Uh-oh, hold onto your epidermis! It's Deputy Dawg and the Hard-Drinking Soldiers of Fortune attempting the oft-copied Leaky Cheese! Tom Servo : Shake me, don't wake me, Crow... Looks like Bad Man and the Costumed Critters of Death are going crinkle-cut and somebody's got to pay... but, uh-oh! Funny Ha-Ha, Funny Strange and the Bad Man and Joe screaming "Hey world, check me out!" Joel : Hand me a Hoover, it's Raspberry Commie, the Fruitful Snootful and Hickory Dickory Die attempting a Butterscotch Push with a Frontie-frontie-frontie! Crow T. Robot : Ho ho ho! Is that Go-Go the Gorilla with Bloopers, Blunders and Practical Jokes with Starchy Cock-of-the-Walk in their Fintoozler? There's Electra-Woman and Dyna-Girl in the George Barris custom show rod, bravely attempting the Big Buy with a Tommy Tune on the side! Tom Servo : I gotta correct you on that, Crow, I think he's attempting a Stinky Guy with a Peter Allen - Uh-oh! That means he'll be disqualified and slapped with a Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich! That could be a problem for our Quentin Crisp, who's expected to deliver a Fighting Aranovich Brother or a God Your Helmet Smells Good... Joel : Uh-oh! Here comes Nutsy, the Sidehacking Clown, performing his famous Tension Envelope routine! Don't get too close, 'cuz remember, kids, he who smelt it, dealt it... Let's give him a round of applause as we all pardon his blooper! Crow T. Robot : Well, it's been a big day with plenty of sheer gut blow-outs, Juicy Lucies and a Woozle whose name was Peanut... This is Crow and Joel and Tom Servo in the pit. Michael: See? You're feeling better already. Joel : Rolling in the filthill do that for you Dr. Forrester : Hello, Joely-boy-toy! Is it true what they say about space? Joel : Uh, What's that, sir? Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : That no one can hear you laugh! [manically laughs] Joel : Uh, Happy New Year, doctors? Dr. Forrester : Don't "Happy New Year" me, you white-piece-of-trash-floating-in-the-vaccum-of-space. We just heard that the Russians have launched their own comedian into space and he is already pulling a four rating. [cut to video footage] Russian Comedian: [holds up hand] This is my friend, Bishi. Bishi, how are you? I am fine [Chuckle] Russian Comedian: . How is your wife, Bishi? She is fine but her neck hurts [Puts down hand, chuckles some more] Russian Comedian: , thank you so much... Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : ...and he's a regular Gallager too! It's called "Very Incredible Movie Theater 4"! Joel : Dr. Erhardt and Dr. Forrester, would it be too much to ask if you could let me and my friends know when we'll be getting out of space? Dr. Forrester : Sure, Joely-Poley. Were planning a show for you right now here on Earth ! Joel : Really? Dr. Forrester : Yeah, booby. It's about... a guy and three robots and they're submerged deep in the Trans-Alantic trench, three miles under the ocean surface and we send him transmission after transmission of Jacques Custeau movies. [evil laugh] Crow T. Robot : What a couple of dick weeds! Joel : Hey Crow, hush up! Listen... thanks but no thanks doc, we'll get used being out here in space for a little more time. Tom Servo : Um, excuse me, uh, how long are you gonna keep going to send us those gosh darn Turtle movies? Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : Don't "Gosh darn" me, you little snack headed piece of tin foil!You'll keep watching Gamera movies [Picks up a stack of tapes] Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : untill we get through all these ! ha ha ha ha ha! [Upon seeing the title of "Lost Continent"] Joel : "Lost Continent"? Well, I lost my keys before, but this is ridiculous. Joel Robinson : DO SOMETHING! Joel : As the noose was fitted, and as a delicate black mask was tied around the prisoner's eyes, "May the Lord have mercy on..." Tom Servo : Booooo-ring! Boring! Joel : Oh, hi everybody, welcome to the Satellite of Love, I'm Joel Robinson, and I'm with my robots, Tom Servo and Crow T. Robot, and I'm reading them some really scary bedtime stories, but they're so jaded! I mean, kids today ahve seen and heard everything, believe me! Magic Voice : Oh, isn't that the truth! Commercial Sign in 30 seconds. Tom Servo : C'mon, Joel, you've been reading us nothing but the light stuff! "In Cold Blood," "Helter Skelter," the 17 novels that Stephen King published this year, come on! Read us something REALLY scary! Crow T. Robot : Yeah, c'mon! Joel : Okay, I've been saving a really, really scary one. That is, if you guys think you're old enough, if you think you can handle it. Crow T. Robot : Oh, I'm sure it's REALLY scary! Do I dare ask what it's called? Joel : Oh, "Life's Little Instruction Book!" Joel : [the bots recoil in horror] Okay, "1. Put a lot of little marshmallows in your hot chocolate. Joel : [they scream] 2. Surprise your new neighbor with one of your favorite homemade dishes and include the recipe." Tom Servo : NOT THE RECIPE! Joel : 3. At the movies, buy Junior Mints and sprinkle them on your popcorn." "4. Enjoy real maple syrup." Tom Servo : The horror, the horror. Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : I'm telling you, Clay, it was brilliant. It sold millions. The "Paul is Dead" hoax was one of the greatest marketing schemes in history. Dr. Forrester : And the "Joel is Dead" campaign is the perfect way to pump some life into the video marketing arm of Mystery Science Theater. Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : It'll be the biggest marketing coup since Coke changed the formula! Let's review the clues Dr. Forrester : Yeah! Oh good, good. I was watching this tape earlier and I picked out some things. Here, look at this. See... SAT I. Good, now Saturday the 1st, the first day he died. Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : Brilliant! Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : Absolutely. Alright. Okay next, look: Next Sunday AD. AD, After Death. He died on Saturday the 1st, Sunday the 2nd was the funeral. Dr. Forrester : Okay. Now, now here in the lyric, in the soundtrack, it says there was a guy named Joel. Not is, was. Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : Well done. Dr. Forrester : Thank you. Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : Very nice, very nice. Okay, here's my final one. Okay, look in the opening segment here. He has really long hair. Nowhere else on the show does he have that kind of hair. Dr. Forrester : Yeah. Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : You know what they say, hair keeps growing after death. So with Peter Torque, too. Peter Torque, he looks like Peter Torque. Peter Torque has long hair, The Monkees are kinda dead. Dr. Forrester : Uh, yeah... Yeah. Well, umm... Umm, no. Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : You know what I'm getting at? They're gonna love it. Dr. Forrester : Uh, I'm not buying that. I think that's reaching a little bit, Larry. Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : Okay, alright. It's for money. There's money involved here. Dr. Forrester : Oh yeah, I understand. I think it's a good idea. Uh, oh. Here's one. I took the liberty of uh, retouching the cover of the Abbey Road album and uh, you can see I put Joel's head where Paul is, you know the whole barefoot cigarette thing. Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : This is beautiful! Dr. Forrester : Yup. Yeah, well. Dr. Forrester : Well, thank you. I used to uh, do retouching work for The Enquirer. Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : Let's see what weasely's... Let's see what Joel... Joel! What do you think, pal? Joel : Well, it'll probably work, but don't you think it'll make you feel bad inside? Dr. Forrester : Feel bad inside? We always feel bad inside! Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : We just write it off as gas. Dr. Forrester : Yeah besides, we need to raise $20 million for our new theme park, Six Flags Over 10 to the 12th Power. Crow T. Robot : Well, a good thing about the movie was it wasn't any longer. Joel : And a bad thing? Crow T. Robot : It was this long. Tom Servo : Why do we have to pray for the mads? Joel : Well, I think they're watching and they control my oxygen. Dr. Forrester : We don't want you to pray for us, we want you to pray to us! Joel Robinson : "Mitchell". Even his NAME says "Is that a beer?" [the episode opens with Crow in a cryogenic chamber] Joel : Hi, folks. Welcome to the Satellite of... Love. Say, uh, Tom, what's with the Crow-in-the-box? Tom Servo : Oh, I'm just taking Crow's temperature down to absolute zero! Woohoo! Joel : Tom! If you do that, you'll cease all molecular activity! It could start a chain reaction that could destroy us all! Tom Servo : Yeah, that's how it played out in our scenario. Hey, wait a minute! That would be really stupid! [Joel puts on a pair of thermal gloves and opens the cryogenic chamber] Joel : Hang on, Crow! Don't worry! I got ya! [Joel reaches into the chamber and Crow shatters] Tom Servo : Good one, Joel! Joel : Oops. We'll be right back. Tom Servo : I'm not putting him back together, either. Joel : Hey, Servo buddy. I'm glad you dropped by. You know why? Tom Servo : Why? Joel : 'Cause today, my friend, you go through puberty. Tom Servo : Puberty? Does that mean I'm gonna start perspiring and growing hair in weird places? Joel : No, it just means that I'm getting tired of your voice and it's time to change it, okay? Tom Servo : Will it hurt? Joel : Of course not. Tom Servo : Oh, here it comes! Here it comes! Beep! Anything you say, Joel Hodgson, sir, master giver of all things good, gracious host and friendly neighbor, not a bad cartoonist, governor, leige, lord of all. Joel : think I'm gonna change that algorithm to just "master of the known world" would be better. Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : We've gotta talk! Dr. Forrester : I'm done talking. I'm all talked out. What's wrong with you, anyway? Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : I'll change! Dr. Forrester : Well then, change, damn you! Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : I've changed. Dr. Forrester : Not that quickly. It doesn't count. Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : You've gotta stop it. It doesn't make sense. You're killing us, Clay! We're not mad scientists, we're just angry. Dr. Forrester : Forget it! It would cost too much to change the letterhead. My God, I... I wake up this morning and I've got a mad scientist for a partner. And now, you've turned into Florence Henderson! Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : Oh, is that so wrong? We need a change! New outfits, a splash of color maybe! Joel : Uh, sorry to interrupt, you two, but are we still doing this movie thing or what? Dr. Forrester : How long have you been listening? Joel : Well, since Thursday. Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : Thurs- My casserole! Joel Robinson : Iowa State College... the high school after high school. Servo: Macho, macho, macho robot. There's no question I'm a macho guy. Hey! Whoa, excuse me, miss. Say, I've never noticed you on the satellite before. Hahaha. I'm Tom Servo, man about satellite. Sure, I may look small, but I'm built like a Quisinar. Really. You know, don't think me forward miss, but I couldn't help but notice that you've got 11 settings. You know, you're kinda quiet, and I like that in a woman! Too many of the gals I've known just like to rub exotic oils on me and fan me and... Which is okay, I guess, but I need a change. I need a woman more my speed and I happened to notice, you've got 11 of 'em. Wait, I must've offended you. You're blushing! No? That's juice, I think. You know, I've always found juice in the head to be quite a turn-on, my little scientific calculator, you. Hahahaha. Ever gotten a wild hair and just filled your head with guacamole for the hell of it? If you're the kinda girl who throws caution to the wind, if you know what I mean. And if you do, will you please tell me? Hahahaha. Hey, I see you've still got a power cord! An old-fashioned gal. I like that. I like a good tail on a woman. Hahahaha. Pardon me, I know I've been coming on a little bit strong, but I love your lines. You've got classic features! Crush, grate, chop, puree... Baby, you've got it all! Haha. Excu- And a lovely singing voice, too! Baby, you do got it all! Joel, I'm in love! Buddy... Joel : What do you mean, Servo? Servo: Joel, Joel... My God, man! You've defiled my honor! Nobody drinks from my gal. The gall has been thrown! Joel : Hey uh, Servo, it's a blender. Servo: Oh. Excuse me, miss. You know, you've got beautiful... Oh, excuse me, Mr. Coffee. I'm so embarassed! [Tom's poem, "A Child's Christmas in Space"] Tom Servo : It's quiet in the cold of our own little orbit, starless and Bible black. And as I look down on the big blue beam we would call home I think it so near, yet... oh, I wish on that star and I hope that in a little snow-covered house with a warm hearth and a loving family, maybe some kid is looking up tonight and wishing upon us. Oh, and how I hope sweet Santa will fly by tonight because if he does I'm gonna reach right out and hug that big guy. Oh, for the sound of hooves against the steel hull of the ship. Oh, to see the rosy face of Santa in the portal offering me a Coke and a smile... [gradually gets more and more upset and hysterical] Tom Servo : ...of course, his cheeks would be rosy because there's a vacuum out there, I mean Santa's heart would explode. But he wouldn't feel it because the capillaries in his brain would pop like little firecrackers... Joel Hodgson : Tom... Tom Servo : ...due to the blood boiling away in his face like pudding in a copper... OH THE HUMANITY. Joel Hodgson , Crow T. Robot : Tom. Tom Servo : And his jolly old belly would start bubbling like a roasted marshmallow, eyes bulging and popping out... AND THE REINDEER - OH THE REINDEER. - keep floating like holiday floats and in turn exploding in a hail of blood and entrails. Prancer - BOOM. Dancer - BOOM. Joel Hodgson : HEY. Crow T. Robot : Tom. Joel Hodgson : Tom take it easy, Santa's gonna be okay, buddy. Tom Servo : You sure? Joel Hodgson : Yeah, give him a little credit, okay? Tom Servo : Phew, what a relief. Tom Servo : [gasping] They arrested Harlan Ellison. Joel Robinson : Good. Tom Servo : Uh-oh. Hilarity, guys. Not since the pie-fight scene in "The Great Race"... Crow T. Robot : Not since the mudslide scene in "McClintock"... Joel Hodgson : Not since the wagon race scene in "The Hallelujah Trail"... Crow T. Robot : Not since the chess-playing scene in "The Seventh Seal"... Tom Servo : Not since the orgy scene in "Caligula"... Joel Hodgson : Huh? Crow T. Robot : What? Tom Servo : Um... well, hilarity, anyway. Joel : Okay, my little robot friends, but we only pass this way once. This is called "The Godzilla Genealogy Bop." Will you hit it, Professor Cambot? In order to know Godzilla, we've gotta look into his past. Crow T. Robot : You know studying genealogy is gonna be a blast! Joel : Ahh, you've got it, little robot pal, we're swinging into high. Tom Servo : C'mon, let's cut to the chase, ya couple of geeks, and get to the family tree! Joel : Well, it started with a nuclear blast and pets that were released. Crow T. Robot , Tom Servo : Oh, like baby alligators and other nasty beasts? Joel : The fusion reaction caused them to grow a thousand times their size. Crow T. Robot : Well, that explains Godzilla's attractive tail and thunderous thighs! Joel : Right. Now you're getting it little buddy, but now we must move on. Godzilla's not the only one to benefit from the A-Bomb. Tom Servo : Yeah, look! There's Auntie Ness of Scotland's loch! They were married in the spring. And their first born was Godzookie, and now we begin to sing... Crow T. Robot : Godzookie went to Hollywood, an agent to the stars. He had an affair with Lorna Luft and smoked those big cigars! Tom Servo : And out of the lusty Luft affair Ron Pearlman resulted. Hmm. Joel : You know, surgery was considered for him, but nobody was consulted. Oh, I did it again. Crow T. Robot : Then Ron met Yoko Ono and they began to spawn. A couple of hundred horrible things as green as Forest Lawn. Tom Servo : There they are: There's Kermit the Frog, the Swamp Thing, Hulk and Ernest Borgnine, too! Crow T. Robot : But Ernest Borgnine isn't green! Tom Servo : Well you put him on a boat and he is! Joel , Crow T. Robot : What? Tom Servo : Hey! Who's that down at the bottom, a-wallowing in his shame? Crow T. Robot : Oh that's just Steve Guttenberg of Police Academy fame. Tom Servo : Huh. Joel : To wrap it up, the worst mutation... Crow T. Robot : No, you don't suppose? Tom Servo : Oh, yes it is! The horror of horrors! Joel , Crow T. Robot , Tom Servo : KARL MALDEN'S NOSE! Joel : Visit beautiful Ground Zero. Joel : Geez, what's wrong, Tom Servo? You look about as upset and downtrodden as a little robot with inarticulate limbs can look. [Main character in movie gets attacked by invisible enemy] Joel Robinson : Oh look, they were too cheap to hire villains. Joel : Anyway, a lot of people have recognized that this first Gameron film is in black and white and since there's been so much controversy over Ted Turner colorizing all those classic MGM movies, I thought it'd be time to do a popular opinion survey. Use your phones: call us at 623-7655. And now, Cambot, could you put the messages up on the screen? Or the quiz questions? First quiz question is: Is Ted Turner dumb enough to colorize the beginning of "The Wizard of Oz"? Gypsy : Call in with your answer! Joel : Right. Question number two: Does it bother Ted Turner that people watch his colorized films on black and white TV? Gypsy : Let us know what you think! Joel : Question number three: Given Ted's obsession with colorizing things, is it possible he's the unwanted love child of Ike and Tina Turner? Gypsy : Give us a call! Tell us your answer. Joel : Well, I guess it's time for you guys to start experimenting on us again. Dr. Forrester : I'll tell you when it's time to do the movie, you squinty-eyed space chimp! Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : Uh, Clay... Dr. Forrester : What? Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : It is time. Dr. Forrester : Oh. Yeah, I... Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : Nice insult though. Dr. Forrester : I knew that. Thank you. Well, it's a real stinkburger of a film this week, Joel. It's called "The Crawling Eye." Tom Servo : Okay, look! It's bad enough that this was clearly the worst film you have ever sent us, but it has continuitity problems to boot! My colleague Crow will illustrate! Crow T. Robot : I'll what? Tom Servo : You'll show them. Crow T. Robot : Oh, right. Okay uh, frame 12247, Cambot bring that up. A pan of a field, yet clearly seen in the back, somebody's been a four-wheelin'! Okay, next frame please... 2162503... Forgiving the fact that Ator is flying a hang-glider... he's doing it OVER A MODERN CITY! Okay, now the peace de resistance, Cambot. 202043, during the raping and pillaging, a prehistoric caveman can be clearly seen waring a pair of Ray Bans! Who's that behind the foster grants? IT'S OG! Joel : Yeah, and what about Scarecrow's brain? Crow T. Robot : Huh? Dr. Forrester , TV's Frank : What do you want from us? We're evil! EVIL! TV's Frank : Yup, I guess you could say we're cut from a different cloth. Dr. Forrester : Exactly, Frank. Push the Button. TV's Frank : Yup, guess you could say we're more evil than a three-dollar bill. Dr. Forrester : Push the Button, Frank. TV's Frank : Guess you could say the factory's still open, but we're making different stuff now. Dr. Forrester : Would you just push the button? TV's Frank : I'll just push the Button. Guess you could say we're buying it wholesale and passing the savings on to you. Joel : Ice cream. I LOVE THIS PARTY. Joel : So, it's Manos... Crow T. Robot : The Hands of Fate. Joel : Yes. Tom Servo : So, we're about a half-hour into the movie? Joel : No, actually it's only about a minute. Tom Servo : No. Tom Servo : [asked to say a good and bag thing about the crawling eye] All right. Okay, let's see. The good thing was that we didn't have to watch them clean up the vitreous humour all over from the eyes exploding. Okay, imagine, you sign up that day for Kelly Temps - Trollenberg office, of course. They give you a leaky bucket and a turkey baster and send you up the mountain... Now you're on cleanup crew! Joel : And the bad thing? Tom Servo : Well, the bad thing was, uh, the movie? It was ambitious, but it lacked vision. Joel : Oh, let me get a pencil, I wanna write THAT one down. Joel : Why is she limping? Crow T. Robot : Because she got an arrow in her chest. Joel : Ooh its so nice to have a patio that you can murder people on. It's so easy to hose off. Joel : How much Keefe is in this movie? Tom Servo : Miles O' Keefe. Joel : I'd love an open sewer. Narrator: Watch out, that ground is awful hard. Joel : Life is awful hard. Crow T. Robot : A brain the size of a walnut. Joel : The dinosaur? Crow T. Robot : No, the director. Joel : Every frame of this movie looks like someone's last known photograph. CIA director: [sending a spy on a mission] I don't have to tell you that, if you're caught, we'll have to say we've never heard of you. Joel : It'll be as if you were on the "Thicke of the Night" show. [a film shows people skiing] Narrator: Fast becoming one of winter's most popular sports is sheing... Crow T. Robot : Huh? Narrator: ...and "sheing" is the correct pronunciation, they tell us. Joel : Yeah? Well you're full of skit. Joel : "I Accuse My Parents" was brought to you by Boone's Farm. Joel : "Manos: The Hands of Fate" was filmed on location in a vacant lot. Joel : By the stubbing of my thumb, something stupid this way comes. Crow T. Robot : That hand's not so tough! What's the worst thing he's gonna do to you? Pinch you? Tom Servo : Yeah and how does he know to go after you? He's got no brain, and no leverage! Joel : Hey, what are you guys talking about? Tom Servo : Oh, we're just mocking this week's monster. Say, what's a hand gonna do to you? Joel : Oh, there's a lot of thing a hand can do to you, if you stop and think about. Like, you're sleeping, he comes along takes his two fingers, sticks them up your nose, you sufficate. Stone dead. Tom Servo : I hardly think that's possible. Joel : Or he could sneak up behind you, and tap you, whiplash, you're dead. Crow T. Robot : Oh, right. Joel Robinson : We're on a collision course with wackiness. [Little boy rides away] Driver: Take Care. Joel : Don't forget to ride towards traffic. Joel : Rex Dart: Eskimo Spy. Joel : Action sequences filmed in "Confus-o-vision" Crow T. Robot : He's got a tree. He's got a tree. This isn't the Godzilla we know. Joel : Hertz, don't it? Tom Servo : A tree? That's not like you. Why, Godzilla? Why? Joel : He fell him like a mighty oak. Joel : This watery manifestation of a vengeful, wrathful God could not've come at a worse time. Joel : Try not get sucked into the vortex of hell. Joel : Oh, how I loathe him. Dr. Forrester : This is our invention, Joel. Dr. Clayton Forrester and TV's Frank will now fulfill our destiny. The teasing jibes of classmates. The book-dumping after typing class. The shameful expulsion from Chess Club! These are only a... TV's Frank : Don't forget all the power sit-ups they made you do. Dr. Forrester : Yes, exactly. They will bow down be... TV's Frank : The revulsion, scorn, and rejection of all the pretty girls? Dr. Forrester : Yes, exactly. They shall pay for... TV's Frank : Sophomore year and the shameful shower incident? Dr. Forrester : Uh yes, thank you, Frank. The point is that we shall cleave into this puny planet. We will crack the Earth as though it were a China cup, sending entire continents plummeting into the unforgiving sea! Prepare yoursel... Joel : Hey, may I ask a stupid question? Why are you guys doing this? Tom Servo : Yeah, what do you get out of it? TV's Frank : Well, you know, it's kind of a weird, you know, sort of umm..."Omega Man" kind of thing? Dr. Forrester : No, no, it's more of a... duh... why don't you go on with your invention, Joel? Joel : It's a pity we can't kill you and get away with it. Joel : "187. Measure people by the size of their hearts, not by the size of their bank accounts." Crow T. Robot : Oh, that's enough, Joel! I can't take any more! Please, no! Tom Servo : No, no, keep going, keep going! This is great, are you crazy? Joel : "188. When facing a difficult task, act as though it's impossible to fail. When going after Moby Dick, take along the tartar sauce!" [the bots scream in terror] Joel : Hoel the phone, you two, Momom and Pepop are calling. Dr. Forrester : That's nothing, Joel, Clive Barker says I've seen the future of horror, and it's "Everything I Need To Know, I Learned in Kindergarten!" Joel : Hey sirs, what's up? Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : Our income if this new gig works out. Hehehe. Dr. Forrester : Yes. Larry and I have developed a new chain of fast food restaurants with very low overhead because we don't cook our food. Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : 'Cause frying and broiling takes out alot of the nutrients. Dr. Forrester : Yes. Uh, if your body likes another body, why don't you try one of our burgers au naturale? It's uh, ripped from the bone to your plate in seconds. It's Clay and Lar's Flesh Barn. Haha. Uh, make with the lyrics, Larry. Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : [singing] If you're tired of the same old fare, you've got a friend in Clay and Lar. All our meat is guaranteed rare, 'cause we don't cook it! Dr. Forrester : You see, cooking takes out all the flavor. Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : If you're tired of cookin' at home, try our meat right off the bone. If you listen, you can hear it moan, because we don't cook it! Dr. Forrester : Stunned, killed right at your table, eviscerated, very fresh. Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : Now, there's no need for you to drive through. Our fresh meat will walk out to you. You'll say hi, you'll say moo. It's Clay and Lar's Flesh Barn. Dr. Forrester : Fifteen locations to serve you, now in Altoona. Joel : [exasperated] Cambot, I want you to remind me of something. Next time I make a robot, no more free will, okay? [looking at Master Ninja I in disbelief] Joel : You know, this has all the continuity of a fever dream. Tom Servo : Let's recap the action so far. Joel : Uh, nothing really. Tom Servo : Okay, moving on. [watching the grotesquely inhumane short "Catching Trouble"] Crow T. Robot : Joel, do people do this on Earth? Tom Servo : Yeah, Joel, isn't this wrong? Joel Robinson : Yeah, guys. I'm really ashamed of my race right now. [Joel turns to the viewers at home] Joel Robinson : We'd just like to apologize to everyone everywhere for this... Joel : Oh, great, we were saved by the Gates of Hell. Tom Servo : Say, what is it about the Gates of Hell that makes people want to wander into them? Joel : Hey! I know you're an evil Hell-beast, but could you keep it down? It's after nine and we've got kids! Joel Robinson : That was a guy. Crow T. Robot : No it wasn't. Joel Robinson : It was too! Crow T. Robot : Was not! Tom Servo : Was not was! THERE! I made a meaningless pop culture reference! Now, knock it off! Crow T. Robot : Joel, what are these films trying to teach us about life? Joel Robinson : Well, I guess they're trying to say that we're born, and then we die, and there's lots of padding in between. [during a low-angle shot of Miles O'Keefe] Joel : I'M HUGE! Joel : Look, it's special delivery man! And has he got a package... Crow T. Robot : Joel this is gonna turn into a snuff film. Joel Robinson : Oh, the mads wouldn't do that to us. This is not a snuff film, I guarantee ya. [Watching Torgo walk over to the car] Robinson, Joel : Uh, that's not how you wear your Depends, Torgo. Crow T. Robot : Been hittin' the Thighmaster, Torgo? Joel : I wish those hands would just... push him over. Joel : [as a green monster attacks a girl] The swamp thing versus the sweet thaing. Tom Servo : Pose in the nude with the Frisky Kitten Revue, then watch the action from high atop Tokyo Tower, as the twisted world you create explodes in rivers of blood and endless pain! Order today! Offer limited! Not available in Utah, Puerto Rico, prices subject to whim, please wear rubber underwear, some parts may be made of chicken! Act now! Buy bonds! That's all! Mommy! M-Mommy! M-Mommy! M-M-M! Joel : [administering oxygen] Okay, breathe, boy, breathe. That was a good one! Let's not do that again. Crow T. Robot : Hooker's a good cop! Joel : I know he's a good cop. Had we been on the same team, I think we might have been friends. He's a good cop, but he'll make an even better... CORPSE! Ah-ha-ha-ha-HAHAHAAA! Crow T. Robot : Why not men in Little Bo Peep costumes with stinky cigars explaining the facts of life to our unsuspecting daughters? I, for one... Tom Servo : Yes! Yes! Mr. Crow! I don't think we should stop there! Let's break down ALL the barriers. Hairy men in Spartan costumes holding bake sales on shady boulevards! Naked jock-strap wrestling! Big... Joel : Gentlemen, I have Commercial Sign, I'm sorry. Tom Servo : Why you know this coffee tastes like it came out of an oil derrick. What'd you strain it through, a mummy? Crow T. Robot : Yeah, the coffee tastes like mud. Roger Mudd. Tom Servo : Well the coffee wasn't half as bad as the dinner. Joel : Well, I only burn it when you come home drunk. Crow T. Robot : Oh, so you burn it every night? Joel : Oh, don't bring that up again. Crow T. Robot : I have to bring it up; if I hold it in I'll die. Tom Servo : Dye! That's what this coffee tastes like. Dye! Joel : We had joy, we had fun, we had seasons in the sun. Crow T. Robot : But the stars that we reached were just starfish on the beach. Tom Servo : Dames like this always got beer around. Joel : What? Crow T. Robot : Huh? Tom Servo : Oh, oh, oh. I mean... Filled with mingled cream and amber I will drain that glass again. Such hilarious visions clamber. [Crow and Joel react only with puzzled stares] Tom Servo : Poe! Joel , Crow T. Robot : Ohhhhhhhh... Joel Robinson : Hey, sirs. Boy, your signal's coming in kinda weak today. Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : Talk about weak, your ratings couldn't jump-start a Yugo! Dr. Forrester : Here's our invention this week, Joelette. As you know, the old squirting joke flower has lost the ability to shock or surprise. Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : Oh, we souped it up, though. We came up with a burning boutenire featuring the flame-flower Hahaha-hoo-hoo! Dr. Forrester : I'd like to see anyone who isn't surprised by that, Joeline! Hahaha! Joel : That is so hateful. Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : Thanks Dr. Forrester : Thaaaaaannnnnk you. Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : Oh, here's our development! An entirely new concept in oral hygeine! Dr. Forrester : Yes, we've employed some of Hollywood's top stars to help us with our new mouth-to-mouth celebrity toothpastes. Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : Feel the cleaning power of the stars' internal juices as they go to work on plaque and tarter build-up in your mouth! Here's Jack Nicholson from "Witches of Eastwood"! Bleah! Dr. Forrester : Mr. Clusoe from Monty Python's "The Meaning of Life". Somebody get me a bucket, I'm gonna throw up! Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : And Linda Blair with real head crunching action! Your mother flosses in hell! Bleah! Dr. Forrester : What do you think Joelrini? Joel : Well, I think four out of five dentists would recommend psycho-therapy for you two. Joel : [on the Mads invention] You may have just crossed that line. I've never seen anything so hideous... so immoral... so atonal! TV's Frank : Thank you. Oh, I gotta clean out the spit valve. Joel : Oh great, that's about as funny as plastic doggy do. Tom Servo : What's a "doggie do"? Crow T. Robot : What's a doggie do? Well, sometimes they're in the street... Joel : Cambot, can you put the number on the screen? Call us back if you have any messages, okay? Thanks a lot. Good night. Crow T. Robot : ...fire hydrants, and sometimes they smell your crotch, and sometimes they stare at the wall, and sometimes they chase a stick or cars, or bark at the mailman, and chew your shoes, and scratch the door. And then sometimes their favorite toy gets stuck under the couch. I hate when that happens. Rrr! Rrr! But you can pretend, you can throw a stick, and they'll chase it. And cats won't do that, though. Cats are dumb. Cats will lick themselves, and... Boss: I always knew leadership was important dad, but I never thought about it n connection with my own business. But come Monday things will be different. [we cut to a meeting on Monday] Joel : We're going to have leadership the way my old man told me. You, put a handkerchief on your head! You, swat at imaginary elves! You, rock on the porch all night! Joel : Oh great, that's about as funny as plastic doggy do. Tom Servo : What's a "doggie do?" Crow T. Robot : What's a doggie do? Well, sometimes they're in the street... Joel : Cambot, can you put the number on the screen? Call us back if you have any messages, okay? Thanks a lot. Good night. Crow T. Robot : ...fire hydrants, and sometimes they smell your crotch, and sometimes they stare at the wall, and sometimes they chase a stick or cars, or bark at the mailman, and chew your shoes, and scratch the door. And then sometimes their favorite toy gets stuck under the couch. I hate when that happens. rrr! rrr! But you can pretend, you can throw a stick, and they'll chase it. And cats won't do that, though. Cats are dumb. Cats will lick themselves, and... Crow T. Robot : There's always a boring shot. Joel : Yeah. Tom Servo : My shorts are never boring. Joel : Thank you, Tom. Joel : Ok Gypsy, what's one plus one? Gypsy : [Long pause] Richard Baseheart! Crow T. Robot : [seeing the Mads' invention] Oh, brother. Tom Servo : That was pathetic. Joel : Hey, no, I thought that was really good, you guys. You're doing really well, and I think that someday, you'll be ready for the Nobel Prize. Tom Servo : Maybe for fiction! Crow T. Robot : Joel? Joel? Joel : Yeah Crow buddy? Crow T. Robot : Would it be okay if I canged my name to Allan Parsons Project? Tom Servo : They call me Mr Tibbs! Gypsy : Mrs Richard Baseheart! Mr Richard Baseheart! Magic Voice : From now on, I'll be know as Vivian Vance! Hehehe... Joel : That's it! That's it! From now on all bets are off! From now on we go back to the old names for the rest of the experiments. Joel : [reading fan letters] This one, it reads, "Dear Joe, and 'Bots." Crow T. Robot : 'Bots! That's us! Whoo! We're the 'Bots! Tom Servo : Woo! Thank you, thank you very much. Joel : I just like the way Tom Serbo sings, my favorite robot is Crow, but Joe is funny too."... And it's signed... TV's Frank? Tom Servo : D'oh! TV's Frank : Yes! Yes! Hahahahahahaha! Dr. Forrester : What a little kiss-up. Push the Button, TV's Frank. TV's Frank : Oh, Little John, have you seen my arrow? Joel : Salutations, imperfect one! I am The Master and you are mysteriously drawn to me! Everything I say you must do right away without having to ask twice. I am evil and mean and unforgiving! In your brokenness, you have failed and now must repent. Bow down now before me! BOW DOWN! Joel : Oh, hi Joel. Joel : Well, come on, Tom, I was just commanding you to do my will. Besides, look: Come to me for I am the magnet and you are steel! Tom Servo : Well, you look like Maude. Joel : Hey look guys, they're being followed by a movie? Joel : What's a giant eye going to do, pick you up and wink you to death? Joel : He thinks that ball's one of his pupils. Joel : You can tell they're more advanced because their furniture doesn't break... It tips over but it doesn't break Edward: It's about the aztec breastplate and bracelet, gentlemen Joel : I put them on at night and dance. Joel : Their technology must be light-years ahead of ours. Their use of stock footage is amazing. Joel : They're like Klingons without the kling. Joel : You know, you'd think if he was going to rule the world he'd choose a better spot than a cave. Joel : Due to an error, there are still a few of you left alive. We sincerely apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused you. Joel : [seeing Ro-Man] That ladies and gentlemen, is the destroyer of the universe... I rest my case Joel : Cody, don't wear your jet pack in the house. What if that thing went off? Joel : Always get a contract when working with a dark, omnipotent power. Joel : Don't trust a guy with a dumb crayola hat. Joel : I never thought the end of the world would be so annoying. Joel : You sound like a manure salesman with a mouthful of samples. Joel : Who are you? Where are we? Could we get a frame of reference or something. PLEASE? Joel : Banjo, you're just strung too high. Joel : Uh, Godzilla, your tail got longer. Crow T. Robot : That's not my tail. Joel : They just watched a man get tongued to death Joel : Uh, honey, I think we're growing apart, we don't have the same interests any more. You want to conquer the world, I want to put a shop in the basement. Joel : Boy, Gamera's gonna need an emissions test, pronto Joel : Help, I'm being whipped into housewares. Joel : Lets go get some tuna safe dolphin Joel : Even the Monster's badly dubbed. Joel : Oh, it's just part of the American way: turning a neighboring country rich in culture and beauty into a goofy appetizer. Joel : Uh, Mr. B, what would you know about dignity? Martian: What is Christmas? Joel : It's a Christian holiday ruined by commercialism. Bomar: The doll has a teddy bear's head, and the teddy bear has a doll's head. Joel : Don't worry, we'll give them to dyslexic kids. Joel : This scene's so gross even the lighting guy left Joel : The plot's starting to make sense, RUN. Joel : You know you're boring when you're boring a Van Patten. Joel : I AM IRON MAN. Joel : [a man sings to his little sister] She's trying to wish him into the cornfield right now. Joel : Go ahead, strip me of my dignity at age four. Joel : I think this movie just broke the goofy-meter. Joel : Why is he wearing a bath mat? Joel : They're giddy with violence. Joel : It's an army of Porto-potties. Joel : I "have" performed surgery once before, and although the person didn't survive I feel confident. Crow T. Robot : [after ages of driving footage] NO. Now their going back the other way. Joel : Let's just pretend we're watching 'Trip to Bountiful. Joel : Ambiguity is scary. Joel : [the women wrestling scene in manos continues] You know, this is the alternate ending to Beaches. Tom Servo : This is the worst movie we've ever seen here. Joel : Oh really, what about "Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy"? Tom Servo : Oh, worse, worse. Crow T. Robot : What about "Side Hackers"? Tom Servo : Worse. Joel : "Cave Dwellers"? Tom Servo : Worse. Crow T. Robot : "Catalina Caper"? Tom Servo : Worse. Joel : "Pod people"? Tom Servo : Worse. Crow T. Robot : "Hell Cats"? Tom Servo : Oh, worse. Joel : "Daddy-O"? Tom Servo : Oh, worse. Crow T. Robot : "Rocket Attack USA"? Tom Servo : Worse. Joel : "Earth vs. the Spider"? Tom Servo : Oh, definitely worse! Crow T. Robot : "Ring of Terror"? Tom Servo : Worse. Joel : "It Conquered the World"? Tom Servo : Uh... yeah, worse. Crow T. Robot : "Lost Continent"? Tom Servo : Oh, worse. Joel : "Moon Zero Two"? Tom Servo : Oh, worse. Crow T. Robot : "Women of the Prehistoric Planet"? Tom Servo : Worse. Joel : "Time of the Apes"? Tom Servo : Worse, worse. Crow T. Robot : "Wild Rebels"? Tom Servo : Worse. Joel : "Stranded in Space"? Tom Servo : Worse. Crow T. Robot : "King Dinosaur"? Tom Servo : Worse. Joel : "Mighty Jack"? Tom Servo : Worse. Crow T. Robot : "Rocketship X-M"? Tom Servo : Worse. Joel : "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians"? Tom Servo : Worse. Crow T. Robot : "The Unearthly"? Tom Servo : [sounding more like Johnny Carson] Worse! Joel : "Teenage Caveman"? Tom Servo : Oh, worse. Crow T. Robot : "First Spaceship on Venus"? Tom Servo : Oh, worse, worse. Joel : "Space Travelers"? Tom Servo : Much worse. Crow T. Robot : "Giant Gila Monster"? Tom Servo : Oh, a whole lot worse. Joel : "The Manchingo Coniglium"? Tom Servo : Oh, huh? Crow T. Robot : Hey, "Teenagers from Outer Space" was much, much better! Tom Servo : [pause] It's a ton worse. Joel : "City Limits"? Tom Servo : Worse. Crow T. Robot : "War of the Colossal Beast"? Tom Servo : Worse. Joel : "Amazing Colossal Man"? Tom Servo : Worse. Crow T. Robot : "Fugitive Alien"? Tom Servo : Worse. Joel : Hmmm..."Fugitive Alien 2"? Tom Servo : Worse. Crow T. Robot : Uhh..."Master Ninja"? Tom Servo : Worse. Joel : Oh really? "Gamera"? Tom Servo : Worse, worse, worse, worse. Crow T. Robot : Mmmm..."Godzilla vs. Sea Monster"? Tom Servo : Worse, worse, worse, worse, worse. Joel : "Gamera vs. Zigra"? Tom Servo : Worse, worse. Crow T. Robot : ...vs. Baragon"? Tom Servo : Worse, worse, worse, worse, worse. Joel : "Gamera vs. Guiron"? Tom Servo : Worse, worse, worse. Crow T. Robot : How about "The Castle of Fu Manchu"! Tom Servo : OK, I'll grant you "Castle of Fu Manchu" was just as bad, but we've never done a worse film! Joel : ...Does this make me Mrs. Master of the earth? Joel : [reading the manual to disarm the Isaac Asmov doomsday device] Step One: It will be very enjoyable for you to separate the ocular filter coupling up from the decapacitor which is stout... and yellow sometimes." Crow, you better scan this and give me the instructions. Crow T. Robot : [scans for about a second] Got it! Joel : Oh, brother... Crow T. Robot : Ooookaaay. "Most very kindly, find the Lookie Switch which is nice and sitting there with green label which leaves you singing." Joel : I *think* I got it... Crow T. Robot : Okay, "Carefully disregard and do not do the very wrong thing or much confusion will result"... tell me about it..."with sparks, flowers and loud report on some models." [pause] Crow T. Robot : "Glue Bat-Man to CG detail omitted for clarity"? Joel : This is really confusing. Tom Servo : Who WROTE this, Charlie Callas? Crow T. Robot : Hey, oh! Oh, wait, there's more! It says uhhh..."Clip red wire likes you best with firm hand and glad heart..." Joel : Okay, I think that oughtta do it... [it sprays him with silly string] Crow T. Robot : "... but first, clip the blue wire. Got you, scrawny man." Tom Servo : [during the crawling hand] Gotta hand it to him. Crow T. Robot : He went out on a limb with that one. Joel : Thank goodness he brought that freezer wrap. Tom Servo : Actually I think it's a handbag. [Crow and Joel groan] Joel : Uh-oh. The fog's starting to obscure the action. Crow T. Robot : What action? Joel : I love pulling my gun when I come home! Scares my cats half to death! Greta: He sleeps with me, then busts me. Joel : First things first. [watching the end of 'Mitchell'] Crow T. Robot : You know, at this stage in any killing spree, you really ought to turn the gun on yourself. Crow T. Robot , Tom Servo : [chanting] Turn it! Turn it! Turn it! Turn it! Joel : Hey! Hey! Joel : Hey! Hey, I noticed you moved. You guys must've got kicked out of uh, Gizmonic Institute for shooting us into space like this, I bet. Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : Oh, don't be ridiculous! We moved! Dr. Forrester : It's our grand re-opening! Welcome to Deep 13! Joel : Deep 13? Wait a minute! That's in the sub-basement of Gizmonic Institute! I had to clean up a flubber spill once there. It's incredibly radioactive! Dr. Lawrence Erhardt : Well, it hasn't affected our brain any. Dr. Forrester : We like it here! Now, we're even closer to the atomic pile. Joel : That was the nineteen-fifty-one classic "Lost Continent". Interestingly enough, EP Robert Lipert found that he could extend the length of his film by adding meaningless, poorly contrived and blocked walking sequences, or in the case of today's film, mind-numbingly excessive mountain-climbing scenes. He called the device "padding" and as you know, padding has become a staple of movies ever since. Now this. Tom Servo : Ceaser Romero, whom many of you will recognize from the "Batman" TV series of the late sixties, and who was thought to be a spy, was originally to play the role that eventually went to Hugh Beaumont. Director Sam Newfield said, "Ceaser just isn't bland enough." We'll be right back. Crow T. Robot : Uh, Director Newfeld, known nazi spy, cocaine fiend, and pyromaniac, used to amuse the cast and crew by doing terrible things to his dog with a fork. Uh, we'll be right back. Joel : [the master slowly awakens] I can tell you my bladder's reaching critical mass. Dad: I thought he had more of a personal interest in me because he knew you. Dad: Nonsense. Joel : He hated you. Dad: Harry worked that hard with every man he ever hired. Crow T. Robot : He got sent to jail for it. |
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