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 Tom Hanks Quotation"It's just as hard...staying happily married as it is doing movies." "I've made over 20 movies, and 5 of them are good." Movie Title: Saturday Night Live: 25th Anniversary (1999) as Tom Hanks: Garth Brooks : I gotta ask you, man, what do you do with all the Oscars? Tom Hanks : I get that question all the time. I have one on my book shelf next to a picture of my children, I have one in the bathroom just to keep me humble, and I have a line of them in the back of the garage so that when I pull in, they reflect and I don't bump into the wall. Jon Lovitz : Tom! You are one of the greatest hosts of all time so I was wondering [hopefully] Jon Lovitz : who your favorite cast member that you every got to work with? Tom Hanks : Well that's a tough one but I'd have to say Will Ferell. That guy is gonna make it. Very talented. Christopher Walken : I want to know how much of the show is scripted and how much crazy make'em up: you know, addlibs, improvs. Tom Hanks : A legidiment question. Contrary to popular belief, the show is not improvised, SNL has a great staff of writers that craft every line of the show. Christopher Walken : When I host, I say whatever I want. I free associate and I make up the skits and things like that and people seem to enjoy it. Jon Lovitz : Hey Tom! If you like Will Ferrell so much why don't you marry him? Tom Hanks : Oh come on, Jon, what do you want me to do? You want me to lie and say Jon Lovitz is my favorite cast member? Jon Lovitz : He said it! He said it! Yes! Did you hear him? Jon Lovitz is his favorite cast member! And we're best friends! Movie Title: Joe Versus the Volcano (1990) as Joe Banks: Dr. Ellison : And what did you do in the fire department? Joe Banks : Well... I put out fires. Joe Banks : I've never been to L.A. before. Angelica : What do you think? Joe Banks : It looks fake. I like it! Joe Banks : So I'm not sick? Except for this terminal disease? Joe Banks : You look terrible, Mr. Waturi. You look like a bag of shit stuffed in a cheap suit. Not that anyone could look good under these zombie lights. I, I, I, I can feel them sucking the juice out of my eyeball. Suck, suck, suck, SUCK... [makes a sucking noise] Joe Banks : For 300 bucks a week, that's the news. For 300 bucks a week, I've lived in this sink, this used rubber. Mr. Waturi : You watch it, mister! There's a woman here! Joe Banks : [Shouting] Don't you think I know that, Frank? Don't you think I am aware there is a woman here? I can smell her, like, like a flower. I can taste her, like sugar on my tongue. When I'm 20 feet away I can hear the fabric of her dress when she moves in her chair! Marshall : They just pay me to drive the limo, sir. I'm not here to tell you who you are. Joe Banks : I didn't ask you to tell me who I am. Marshall : You were hinting around about clothes. That happens to be a very important topic to me, sir. Clothes, Mr. . . Joe Banks : Banks. Marshall : Banks. Clothes make the man. I believe that. You say to me you want to go shopping, you want to buy clothes, but you don't know what kind. You leave that hanging in the air, like I'm going to fill in the blank, that to me is like asking me who you are, and I don't know who you are, I don't want to know. It's taken me my whole life to find out who I am, and I'm tired now, you hear what I'm saying? [Joe is about to jump into the volcano.] Patricia : I love you! Joe Banks : I love you, too! I've never been in love with anybody before, either! It's great! I'm glad! But the timing stinks. [kisses her on the cheek] Joe Banks : I've gotta go. Luggage Salesman : Have you thought much about luggage, Mr. Banks? Joe Banks : No. Luggage Salesman : It's the central preoccupation of my life. Waponi Chief : Do you want to marry him? Patricia : Yes. Waponi Chief : Do you want to marry her? Joe Banks : Yes. Waponi Chief : Good. You're married. Angelica : "Would you like to hear one of my poems?" Joe Banks : "Sure." Angelica : "Long ago, the delicate tangles of his hair... covered the emptiness of my hand... Would you like to hear it again?" Joe Banks : "Ok." Angelica : "Long ago, the delicate tangles of his hair... covered the emptiness of my hand." Luggage Salesman : This is our premier steamer trunk, it's all handmade, only the finest materials. It's even watertight, tight as a drum. If I had the need, and the wherewithal, Mr. Banks, this would be my trunk of choice. Joe Banks : I'll take four of them. Luggage Salesman : May you live to be a thousand years old, sir. Joe Banks : I have less than six months to live. The Waponis believe they need a human sacrifice or their island is going to sink into the ocean. They have this mineral your father wants so he hired me to leap into their volcano. Patricia : What? Joe Banks : You're not going to make me say that again, are you? Joe Banks : [Shouting] Take me... to the volcano! Joe Banks : And Frank, the coffee. It stinks. It tastes like arsenic. These lights give me a headache; if they don't give you a headache, you must be dead, so let's arrange the funeral! Joe Banks : I tell you one thing, though. Wherever we go, whatever we do, we're gonna take this luggage with us! Patricia : I wonder where we'll end up? Joe Banks : Away from the things of man, my love. Away from the things of man. Patricia : That outfit's wearing you, Felix. Joe Banks : Why are you calling me Felix. My name is Joe. Patricia : I am calling you Felix because I do what I want. Marshall : What kinda clothes do you got now? Joe Banks : Well, I got the kinda clothes I'm wearing. Marshall : So you got no clothes. [Joe and Marshall are both wearing Armani tuxedos.] Joe Banks : Feel like I'm getting married. Marshall : I feel like I'm giving you away. Joe Banks : And then I'll be staying on a tiny island and I don't know if I'll be living in a hut, or what. Luggage Salesman : Very exciting... as a luggage problem! Movie Title: Turner & Hooch (1989) as Scott Turner: Amos Reed : Let him go, Hooch! I'm sorry, Scott. I don't have the hand-strength I used to. You're OK, aren't you? Scott Turner : Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. I was looking forward to a nice quiet cup of coffee, BUT NOW I'M AWAKE! Emily Carson : Well, it's a nice night, and I have to walk Camille. Do you want to take a walk with me? Scott Turner : No. No. Well, you see, I'm starting to like you, and if we're going to walk I'm just going to like you even more, and then one day we might even end up in love and everything will go on fine for a while, but-but then one day *bang* you're gonna call me a selfish compulsive bastard! You're gonna pull your hair, you're gonna scream and you're gonna say you never want to see me again because I drive you crazy, and I'm left shattered. Now, who needs that? Good night!" [To Hooch] Scott Turner : Don't eat the car! Not the car! Oh, what am I yelling at you for? You're a dog! Scott Turner : These are the simple rules. No barking, now growling, you will not lift your leg to anything in this house. This is not your room. No slobbering, no chewing, you will wear a flea collar. This is not your room. No begging for food, no sniffing of crotches, and you will not drink from my toilet. This is not your room. Scott Turner : [Hooch won't stop barking at night; shouting] What? What? What is it? What? If you're hungry, finish the hamburgers! Eat the buns! You're not thirsty, you're not touching the water, the orange juice, cranapple--what is it I'm supposed to do? Make you a Margurita? SHUT UP! SHUT UP! This has been going on for two and a half hours! BE QUIET! Scott Turner : [Hooch won't stop barking] Alright, what am I supposed to do? Am I supposed to stand out on the porch all night long? Neighbor: Give him a Valium, Turner! Take one yourself! Scott Turner : [Yells] Hey, shut up! I'm a policeman! Gu--Want your car towed? [Hooch goes inside the house, knocking the door shut. It's locked] Scott Turner : OH NO! AAH! Ah, you stupid dog! AH, YA STUPID DOG! Movie Title: Apollo 13 (1995) as Jim Lovell: [watching the Apollo 11 landing on TV] Pete Conrad : Jim, you think it's too late for him to abort? Jim Lovell : No, he still has time to get outta there, he just needs someone to wave him off. [Jim's daughter wants to go trick-or-treating as a hippie] Barbara Lovell : Dad, can I please wear this? Jim Lovell : Sure. Marilyn Lovell : Jim! Jim Lovell : No! No, absolutely not. Marilyn Lovell : Naturally, it's 13. Why 13? Jim Lovell : It comes after 12, hon. Jim Lovell : Just a little while longer Freddo. Just a little while longer, we're gonna hit that water in the South Pacific. Open up that hatch. It's 80 degrees out there. Fred Haise, Sr. : 80 degrees. [On the night of the Apollo 11 landing] Jim Lovell : Christopher Columbus, Charles Lindbergh, and Neil Armstrong. Ha, ha, ha. Neil Armstrong! Jim Lovell : From now on, we live in a world where man has walked on the moon. And it's not a miracle, we just decided to go. Jim Lovell : We just lost the moon. Jim Lovell : Houston, we have a problem. [As everyone is madly trying to identify the problem from instrument readings] Jim Lovell : Houston, we are venting something out into space. I can see it outside window one right now. It's definitely a... a gas of some sort. [pause] Jim Lovell : It's got to be the oxygen. Jim Lovell : We just put Sir Isaac Newton in the driver's seat. [As they pass over the lunar surface] Fred Haise, Sr. : Mare Tranquilitatis - Neil and Buzz's old neighborhood. Coming up on Mount Marilyn. Jim, you've got to take a look at this. Jim Lovell : I've seen it. [Last line, voiceover] Jim Lovell : I sometimes catch myself looking up at the moon, remembering the changes of fortune in our long voyage, thinking of the thousands of people who worked to bring the three of us home. I look up at the moon, and wonder: When will we be going back? And who will that be? Jim Lovell : Ah, Guenter Wendt! I wonder where Guenter Wendt? [Jim Lovell is told that Ken Mattingly will be too sick to fly] Jim Lovell : I've trained for the Fra Mauro highlands... and this is FLIGHT SURGEON HORSESHIT, Deke! Deke Slayton : Jim, if you hold out for Ken, you will not be on Apollo 13. It's your decision. Senator: How do you go to the bathroom in space? Jim Lovell : Well, um... I tell you it's a very complicated procedure that involves cranking down the window and looking for a gas station. Jack Swigert : I've been going over the numbers again. Have they called up with a reentry plan yet? 'Cause we're coming in too shallow, we're coming in too damn fast. Jim Lovell : We're working on it, just hold on. Jack Swigert : Listen, they gave us too much delta vee, they had us burn too long. At this rate, we're going to skip out of the atmosphere and we're never going to get home. Fred Haise, Sr. : What are you talking about? How'd you figure that? Jack Swigert : I can add. Jim Lovell : They've got half the Ph.D.'s on the planet working on it. Fred Haise, Sr. : They say we're right on the money. Jack Swigert : And what if they had made a mistake and there was no way to correct it, why would they tell us? There's no reason to tell us! Fred Haise, Sr. : What do you mean they're not going to tell us? That's bullshit! Jim Lovell : Now listen, there's a thousand things that have to happen in order. We are on number eight. You're talking about number six hundred and ninety-two. Jack Swigert : And in the meantime, I'm trying to tell you we're coming in too fast. I think they know it, and I think that's why we don't have a God-damned reentry plan. Jim Lovell : That's duly noted, thank you Jack. Jim Lovell : Me and Jack are fixing to eat. Fred Haise, Sr. : Hey I'm hungry. Jim Lovell : Are you sure, Freddo? Fred Haise, Sr. : I'm so hungry I could eat the ass end out of a dead rhinoceros. Reporter: So you're not at all worried about the number 13? Even though you're launch is scheduled for 13:13, and you'll be entering the moon's atmosphere on April 13th. Jim Lovell : Well, uh, as a matter of fact, our own Ken Mattingly has done some... research on that particular phenomenon. Ken? Ken Mattingly : Well, I uh, had a black cat walk over a broken mirror under the lunar module ladder, and nothing bad's happened yet. Jim Lovell : Gentlemen, it's been a privilege flying with you. Jim Lovell : Gentlemen, what are your intentions? [Jack Swigert and Fred Haise turn around and stare at Lovell] Jim Lovell : I'd like to go home. Ken Mattingly : 13, this is Houston, do you read? Jim Lovell : Roger that, Ken. Are the flowers blooming in Houston? Ken Mattingly : That's a negative, Jim. I do not have the measles. [stares at the flight surgeon] Television Reporter: Is there a specific instance in an airplane emergency when you can recall fear? Jim Lovell : Uh well, I'll tell ya, I remember this one time - I'm in a Banshee at night in combat conditions, so there's no running lights on the carrier. It was the Shrangri-La, and we were in the Sea of Japan and my radar had jammed, and my homing signal was gone... because somebody in Japan was actually using the same frequency. And so it was - it was leading me away from where I was supposed to be. And I'm lookin' down at a big, black ocean, so I flip on my map light, and then suddenly: zap. Everything shorts out right there in my cockpit. All my instruments are gone. My lights are gone. And I can't even tell now what my altitude is. I know I'm running out of fuel, so I'm thinking about ditching in the ocean. And I, I look down there, and then in the darkness there's this uh, there's this green trail. It's like a long carpet that's just laid out right beneath me. And it was the algae, right? It was that phosphorescent stuff that gets churned up in the wake of a big ship. And it was - it was - it was leading me home. You know? If my cockpit lights hadn't shorted out, there's no way I'd ever been able to see that. So uh, you, uh, never know... what... what events are to transpire to get you home. Fred Haise : It hurts when I urinate. Jim Lovell : Well, you're not getting enough water. Fred Haise : No, I'm drinkin' my rations, same as you... I think old Swigert gave me the clap. Been pissin' in my relief tube. Jim Lovell : Well, that'd be a hot one at the debriefing for the flight surgeons... Another first for America's spacemen. [the crew has been "killed" in a simulator accident] Jim Lovell : Well, Deke; if I had a dollar for every time I've been killed in that thing, I wouldn't have to work for you. We'll get it together by launch time. Movie Title: Philadelphia (1993) as Andrew Beckett: Librarian : Sir, wouldn't you be more comfortable in a study room? [Andrew looks up and sees people in the library staring at him] Andrew Beckett : No. Would it make you more comfortable? Andrew Beckett : That's their story. Wanna hear mine? Joe Miller : How many lawyers did you go to before me? Andrew Beckett : Nine. Joe Miller : Go on. Joe Miller : The Federal Vocational Rehabilitation Act of 1973 prohibits discrimination against otherwise qualified handicapped persons who are able to perform the duties required by their employment. Although the ruling did not address the specific issue of HIV and AIDS discrimination... Andrew Beckett : Subsequent decisions have held that AIDS is protected as a handicap under law, not only because of the physical limitations it imposes, but because the prejudice surrounding AIDS exacts a social death which precede... which precedes the physical one. Joe Miller : This is the essence of discrimination: formulating opinions about others not based on their individual merits, but rather on their membership in a group with assumed characteristics. Andrew Beckett : What do you call a thousand lawyers chained together at the bottom of the ocean? Joe Miller : I don't know. Andrew Beckett : A good start. Joe Miller : What do you love about the law, Andrew? Andrew Beckett : I... many things... uh... uh... What I love the most about the law? Joe Miller : Yeah. Andrew Beckett : It's that every now and again - not often, but occasionally - you get to be a part of justice being done. That really is quite a thrill when that happens. Movie Title: Cast Away (2000) as Chuck Noland: Chuck Noland : I couldn't even kill myself the way I wanted to. I had power over nothing. [Chuck talks to Wilson, the volleyball] Chuck Noland : Hey, you want to hear something funny? My dentist's name is James Spalding. Chuck Noland : Aha. Look what I've created. I have made FIRE. Chuck Noland : We might just make it. Did that thought ever cross your brain? Well regardless I would rather take my chance out there on the ocean, that to stay here and die on this shithole island spending the rest of my life talking to a god damn VOLLEYBALL. Chuck Noland : WILSON. Chuck Noland : You wouldn't have a match by any chance would you? Chuck Noland : One day my logic was proven all wrong because the tide came in, and gave me a sail. And now, here I am. I'm back. In Memphis, talking to you. I have ice in my glass... And I've lost her all over again. I'm so sad that I don't have Kelly. But I'm so grateful that she was with me on that island. And I know what I have to do now. I have to keep breathing. Because tomorrow the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring? Kelly Frears : I always knew you were alive, I knew it. Everybody said that I had to let you go. I love you. You're the love of my life. Chuck Noland : I love you too, Kelly. More than you'll ever know. Chuck Noland : [reading from a birthday card] The most beautiful thing in the world is, of course, the world itself. Chuck Noland : First thing it's two minutes, then four, then six, then the next thing you know, we're the U.S. mail. Chuck Noland : We live and we die by time. And we must not commit the sin of losing our track on time. Chuck Noland : Gotta love crab. In the nick of time too. I couldn't take much more of those coconuts. Coconut milk is a natural laxative. That's something Gilligan never told us. Chuck Noland : That's a search area of 500,000 square miles. That's twice the size of Texas. They may never find us. Chuck Noland : Hey, HEY, It's a ship. HEY. HEY. HEY SHIP. HEY. Wait, look look, S.O.S... Oh come on. HELP. Please. Chuck Noland : Don't worry Wilson, I'll do all the paddling. You just hang on. Chuck Noland : I'm always going to keep this watch on Memphis time. Kelly time. Chuck Noland : I should've never gotten on that plane. I should've never gotten out of the car. Chuck Noland : Hey, is all this turbulence from Santa and those 8 tiny reindeer? Chuck Noland : We live and we die by the clock, that's all we have. Chuck Noland : Do, do you have to keep bringing that up, huh? Ok, so it was a good thing we did a test because it wasn't going to be just a quick snap. Would've broken my neck, or leg or my back. Would've bled to death on the beach, but it's in the past. It was what, a year ago? SO let's just forget it. Chuck Noland : If I'm here New Years Eve, then I'm here. If I'm not, I'm not. Chuck Noland : So, let's make something straight... We have a pro football team, but they are in Nashville? Chuck Noland : I'll be right back. Stan : We buried you. There was a coffin, a gravestone... the whole thing. Chuck Noland : I had a coffin? [Stan nods] Chuck Noland : Well what was in it? Chuck Noland : Nickolai. Tick-tock. Tick-tock. Tick-tock. [reading label on port-a-potty that has washed ashore] Chuck Noland : Bakersfield? BAKERSFIELD! BAKERSFIELD! Movie Title: You've Got Mail (1998) as Joe Fox: Joe Fox : I like Patricia. I *love* Patricia. Patricia makes COFFEE nervous. Joe Fox : You're crazy about him... Kathleen Kelly : Yes. I am. Joe Fox : Then why don't you run off with him? What are you waiting for? Kathleen Kelly : I don't actually know him. Joe Fox : Really? Kathleen Kelly : We only know each other--oh, God, you're not going to believe this... Joe Fox : Let me guess. From the Internet. Kathleen Kelly : Yes. Joe Fox : You have mail. Kathleen Kelly : Yes. Joe Fox : Very powerful words. Kathleen Kelly : Yes. Joe Fox : The Godfather answers all of life's questions. What to pack for a trip? "Leave the gun, take the cannolis." Joe Fox : The whole purpose of places like Starbucks is for people with no decision-making ability whatsoever to make six decisions just to buy one cup of coffee. Short, tall, light, dark, caf, decaf, low-fat, non-fat, etc. So people who don't know what the hell they're doing or who on earth they are can, for only $2.95, get not just a cup of coffee but an absolutely defining sense of self: Tall. Decaf. Cappuccino. [exits] Next customer in line: I want a tall, decaf cappuccino. [Discussing the new FoxBooks superstore.] Joe Fox : Hey, you know what? We should announce ourselves to the neighborhood. Just let them know, here we come. Kevin : Oh, no, this is the Upper West Side, man. We might as well tell 'em we're opening up a--a crack house. They're gonna hate us. Soon as they hear, they're gonna be lining up... Kevin : --to picket the big bad chain store... Kevin : --that's out to destroy... Joe Fox : --everything they hold dear. Kevin : Yeah. Joe Fox : Do you know what, we are gonna seduce them. We're gonna seduce them with our square footage, and our discounts, and ourdeep armchairs, and... Kevin , Joe Fox : Our cappuccino. Joe Fox : That's right. They're gonna hate us at the beginning, but... Kevin , Joe Fox : --but we'll get 'em in the end. Joe Fox : Do you know why? Kevin : Why? Joe Fox : Because we're going to sell them cheap books and legal addictive stimulants. In the meantime, we'll just put up a big sign: "Coming soon, a FoxBooks superstore and the end of civilization as you know it." Schuyler Fox : Your father is getting married. Joe Fox : Really? Nelson Fox : Yes. Joe Fox : Congratulations. Nelson Fox : Thank you. Joe Fox : Why? Nelson Fox : Who knows? Joe Fox : Love? Nelson Fox : Possible. Kathleen Kelly : I love daisies. Joe Fox : You told me. Kathleen Kelly : They're so friendly. Don't you think they are the friendliest flower? Joe Fox : So what's his handle? Kathleen Kelly : Uh... Joe Fox : I'm not going to write him, is that what you're worried about? You think I'm going to e-mail him? Kathleen Kelly : Alright -- NY152. Joe Fox : N-Y-one-five-two. One hundred and fifty-two. He's... 152 years old. He's had 152 moles removed, so now he's got 152 pock marks on his face. Kathleen Kelly : The number of people who think he looks like Clark Gable. Joe Fox : 152 people who think he looks like a Clark BAR. Kathleen Kelly : Why did I ever tell you this? Joe Fox : 152 stitches from his nose job. The number of his souvenir shot glasses that he's collected in his travels. Kathleen Kelly : No... the number... His address? No, no. He would never do anything that prosaic. Joe Fox : You know, sometimes I wonder... Kathleen Kelly : What? Joe Fox : Well... if i hadn't been "Fox Books" and you hadn't been "The Shop Around the Corner," and you and I had just met... Kathleen Kelly : I know. Joe Fox : Yeah, yeah. I would've asked for your number. And I wouldn't have been able to wait 24 hours before calling you up and saying, Hey, how about... oh, how about some coffee, or drinks, or dinner, or a movie... for as long as we both shall live? Joe Fox : You can forgive this guy for standing you up, but you can't forgive me for this little thing... of putting you out of business? Kathleen Kelly : God, I didn't, I didn't realize. I didn't, I didn't know. Joe Fox : [finishing the sentence] who you were with? [bad Italian accent] Joe Fox : I didn't know who you were with. Kathleen Kelly : Excuse me? Joe Fox : It's from The Godfather. [small laugh] Joe Fox : Sorry, it's from The Godfather. It's, when the, ah, movie producer realizes that Tom Hagen is an emissary of Vito Corleone. It's just before the horse's head ends up in the bed all the bloody sheets, you know, wakes up, and it's [imitates horrified scream] Joe Fox : ah. AaHH. AAAHH. AAHHHH. AAHHH. [pauses] Joe Fox : Never mind. Joe Fox : It wasn't... personal. Kathleen Kelly : What is that supposed to mean? I am so sick of that. All that means is that it wasn't personal to you. But it was personal to me. It's *personal* to a lot of people. And what's so wrong with being personal, anyway? Joe Fox : Uh, nothing. Kathleen Kelly : Whatever else anything is, it ought to begin by being personal. Joe Fox : Brinkley is my dog. He loves the streets of New York as much as I do. Although he likes to eat bits of pizza and bagels off the sidewalk and I prefer to buy them. Kevin : The electrical contractor called, his truck hit a deer last night, so he's not gonna be here until tomorrow. And the upstairs shelves are delayed because the shipment of pine we ordered has beetles. Joe Fox : Very good, VERY good. Kevin : And we got a 50,000 dollar ticket for construction worker peeing off the roof. Joe Fox : Great, that is great. Is the electrician here today? Joe Fox : Don't you love New York in the fall? It makes me wanna buy school supplies. I would send you a bouquet of newly sharpened pencils if I knew your name and address. On the other hand, this not knowing has its charms. Joe Fox : Hey. This fabric on the couch, does it have a name? Nelson Fox : Money. Joe Fox : Huh? Nelson Fox : It's name is MONey. Nelson Fox : How much son? How much you payin'? Joe Fox : well whatever it costs it won't be as much as that exquisitely uncomfortable mohair episode there, which is NOW ALL OVER MY SUIT. nm0386645Annabelle Fox: Maureen's getting a divorce. Joe Fox : Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Maureen : 's My own fault - never marry a man who lies. [giggling] Joe Fox : That is so wise. yes, Annabelle, remember that. Joe Fox : I'm sure you must be late for something - volunteering at the Henry Street Settlement, or rolling bandages for Bosnian Refugees. Gillian Quinn : I AM - I'm having my eggs harvested. Joe Fox : And getting those eggs harvested. Nelson Fox : Perfect. Keep those West Side, liberal, nuts, psudo- intellectuals... Joe Fox : Readers Dad, they're called readers. Nelson Fox : Don't do that son, don't romanticize them. George Pappas : The, uh, illustrations are hand tipped. Joe Fox : And that's why it costs so much? George Pappas : No, that's why it's WORTH so much. nm0386645Annabelle Fox: Oh, that's not my Dad, that's my nephew. Kathleen Kelly : You know, I don't really think that HE could be your nephew. Joe Fox : No, no, no - it's true - Annabelle is my, aunt. Isn't that right Aunt Annabelle? Joe Fox : Is it about love? [voice over] Joe Fox : Please say no. Kathleen Kelly : No. [voice over] Kathleen Kelly : How sweet is that? Joe Fox : Whatever you do, just don't listen to anything I say. Frank Navasky : Joe Fox? Joe Fox : F-O-X Frank Navasky : The inventor of the superstore, of course. The enemy of the mid-list novel, the destroyer of 'City Books'. Tell me, how do you sleep at night? Patricia Eden : Ah. I use a wonderful, over the counter drug - 'Ultradorm'. Don't that the whole thing, just half, and you will wake up without even the tiniest hangover. Joe Fox : I better go deliver this [drink] Joe Fox : I have a very thirsty date - she's part camel. Joe Fox : Hello it's Mr. Nasty. Joe Fox : [on the News] I sell cheap books, I do, so sue me. Kevin : That's what you said? Joe Fox : Well yeah - that's not all I said. I can't believe those bastards. O said we were great, I said you could sit and read for hours and no one will bother you. I said we have 150,000 titles. I showed them the New York section. I said we were a God Damn Piazza. A place in the city where people can mingle & mix & be. Kevin : Piazza? Joe Fox : I was eloquent - Sh**. Kevin : Piazza. Joe Fox : I hope she doesn't have one of those high squeaky voices like the mice in 'Cinderella', I hate that. Joe Fox : Mr. 152 Felony indictments. Kathleen Kelly : Mr. 152 insights into my soul. Joe Fox : Oh yeah. No competing with that. Kathleen Kelly : I hope your mango's ripe. Joe Fox : I think it is. Hey, you wanna bump into me on say, Saturday around lunch time? Nelson Fox : I just have to meet someone new, that's all. That's the easy part. Joe Fox : Oh right, year, a snap to find the one single person in the world who fills your heart with joy. [At Cafe Lalo] Joe Fox : Who cares about Kathleen Kelly? Kevin : Well... if you don't like Kathleen Kelly, I can tell you right now... you're not going to like this girl. Joe Fox : Why? Kevin : Because it *is* Kathleen Kelly. Joe Fox : I brought you flowers. Kathleen Kelly : Oughhh... thank you. Joe Fox : Don't cry Shopgirl, don't cry. Movie Title: Nothing in Common (1986) as David Basner: Max Basner : Your best friend is your dick. David Basner : Now where did I learn that? Your best friend is *your* dick. Max Basner : Great, maybe the four of us can get together and have lunch. Movie Title: Sleepless in Seattle (1993) as Sam Baldwin: [Jay is helping Sam get back into the dating scene.] Sam Baldwin : What is "tiramisu"? Jay : You'll find out. Sam Baldwin : Well, what is it? Jay : You'll see! Sam Baldwin : Some woman is gonna want me to do it to her and I'm not gonna know what it is! Doctor Marcia Fieldstone : People who truly loved once are far more likely to love again. Sam, do you think there's someone out there you could love as much as your wife? Sam Baldwin : Well, Dr. Marcia Fieldstone, that's hard to imagine. Doctor Marcia Fieldstone : What are you going to do? Sam Baldwin : Well, I'm gonna get out of bed every morning... breath in and out all day long. Then, after a while I won't have to remind myself to get out of bed every morning and breath in and out... and, then after a while, I won't have to think about how I had it great and perfect for a while. Doctor Marcia Fieldstone : Tell me what was so special about your wife? Sam Baldwin : Well, how long is your program? Well, it was a million tiny little things that, when you added them all up, they meant we were suppose to be together... and I knew it. I knew it the very first time I touched her. It was like coming home... only to no home I'd ever known... I was just taking her hand to help her out of a car and I knew. It was like... magic. Jonah Baldwin : Talk to her, dad. She's a doctor. Sam Baldwin : Of what? Her first name could be Doctor. Jay : Well, this is fate! She's divorced, we don't want to redo the cabinets, and you need a wife. What do they call it when everything intersects? Sam Baldwin : The Bermuda Triangle. Sam Baldwin : Well I'm not looking for a mail-order bride! I just want somebody I can have a decent conversation with over dinner. Without it falling down into weepy tears over some movie! Greg : She's, as you just saw, very emotional. Sam Baldwin : Although I cried at the end of "the Dirty Dozen." Greg : Who didn't? Sam Baldwin : Jim Brown was throwing these hand grenades down these airshafts. And Richard Jaeckel and Lee Marvin [Begins to cry] Sam Baldwin : were sitting on top of this armored personnel carrier, dressed up like Nazis... Greg : [Crying too] Stop, stop! Sam Baldwin : And Trini Lopez... Greg : Yes, Trini Lopez! Sam Baldwin : He busted his neck while they were parachuting down behind the Nazi lines... Greg : Stop. Sam Baldwin : And Richard Jaeckel - at the beginning he had on this shiny helmet... Greg : [Crying harder] Please no more. Oh God! I loved that movie. Sam Baldwin : Didn't you see Fatal Attraction? Jonah Baldwin : You wouldn't let me! Sam Baldwin : Well I saw it and it scared the shit out of me. It scared the shit out of every man in America. Sam Baldwin : So, how's my butt? Sam Baldwin : [looking at a photograph] She looks like my third grade teacher, and I hated my third grade teacher... wait a minute, she IS my third grade teacher! Movie Title: Splash (1984) as Allen: Allen : It just so happens I come from a very long line of married people. Allen : I don't understand. All my life I've been waiting for someone and when I find her, she's... she's a fish. Freddie : People fall in love every day, huh? Is that what you said? Allen : Yeah. Freddie : Yeah? Well, that's a crock. It doesn't work that way. Look, do you realize how happy you were with her? That is, of course, when you weren't driving yourself crazy. Every day? Come on. Some people will never BE that happy. I'LL never be that happy. What am I talking to you for? You don't know anything. Allen : Freddie, the woman learned how to speak English in a single afternoon. Freddie : She could probably speak English already. I think she was in shock from bein' arrested y'know? Allen : Well now, what about that, huh? What about a woman showing up naked in a public place, Freddie? Freddie : Well I'm for it, of course. Claude : There's a guy down the beach that runs people out to the island. Allen : What's the name? Claude : The guy, or the island? Allen : I'll find him. [Allen is being mobbed by reporters] Freddie : Allen. You all right? Allen : Yeah. Get me outta here. Freddie : Is anyone here from Penthouse Magazine? Reporters: No Freddie : Then we aint talkin. Madison : You said whatever my secret was, you'd understand. Allen : I know, but... Madison : You thought at least I was a human being Movie Title: Punchline (1988) as Steven Gold / Steven: Steven : What do you need it for? Steven : We are all Gods animated cartoons. Steven Gold : I've been coming down here for 18 months. 18 months! And I have not missed a night. I take the money that my father sends me and I pay for a shrink, and I buy groceries. Now I owe my shrink, and I'm behind in my rent. My roommate's a bastard - he's changed the locks in in my front door - I can't get in! He won't give me a key until I pay him. You wanna play games? I can play games! I can play games. I can play ventriloquist with my underwear. I can play darts while maintaining an erection. I can gargle dishwater and fart O Canada at the same time! I can play piano without being popular. I once had this dream - I was dancing on the streetcorner with a jackhammer up my ass - now that was either a sex dream or I need more fiber in my diet. If any of this is turning you on, just let me know. Steven Gold : If you're sending someone down, you better send him fast - 'cuz funny Steve's going under. Steven : Don't be scared, 'cuz I'm Funny Steve... with a lampshade on his head. Singing and dancing, for your entertainment, his own rendition of "Singin' in the Rain"! Movie Title: Bachelor Party (1984) as Rick Gassko: Mr. Thompson : Rick, let's cut through the B.S. Rick Gassko : I'd like that. Mr. Thompson : I think you're an asshole. Rick Gassko : Attention, passengers, we are now leaving Nun Central on our journey to Hell and beyond. Rick Gassko : It's time for spice, and the lucky spice is... paprika! "Oh thank you, thank you! You've made me the happiest spice in the world!" Cole Whittier : The car has low mileage and handles like a dream. Rick Gassko : Well, so does Debbie. Rick Gassko : What the hell are you doing? Brad : I'm slashing my wrist. Rick Gassko : With an electric razor? Brad : Yeah, I couldn't find any razor blades. Rick Gassko : Well at least your wrist will be smooth and kissable. Debbie Thompson : Are there gonna be girls at the party? Rick Gassko : No... it's a stag party, and that means that the gals stay home! Debbie Thompson : I'm not talking about those. I'm talking about hookers. Rick Gassko : Ooohh... those! Rick Gassko : Well Mr. Thompson, that's quite a list. And I think, if I really apply myself, I could be a totally changed person by the time we finish lunch! Brad : Guys, GUYS GUYS! Suitcase Man : For the last time I'm telling you to get off! OFF! Brad : GUYS! Dr. Stan Gassko : Holy shit! Rick Gassko : Diagnoses? Dr. Stan Gassko : Medically speaking? Rick Gassko : Yes. Dr. Stan Gassko : Whacked out of his brains on drugs. Mr. Thompson : [tied up and gagged] MMF MFF MFFFFF MFFF! Rick Gassko : He says he's having a wonderful time and he's thinking of changing his name to Spike. [greeting everybody at table] Cole Whittier : Mr. Thompson... Mrs. Thompson... Debbie... and... Rick Gassko : Bond. James Bond. Movie Title: He Knows You're Alone (1980) as Elliot: Nancy : Amy's getting married in a few weeks and she thinks some maniac is following her around. Elliot : Oh, is he a big man? Amy : Let's just forget it. Elliot : No Amy, is he a big man? Amy : Yes. Elliot : Probably sexual! Movie Title: Radio Flyer (1992) as Older Mike: Older Mike : From that moment on, I realized Bobby was my responsibility. Older Mike : There are six lost secrets and abilities that you loose in the split second between your 12th and 13th birthday. They are: animals can talk; jumping from any height with the aid of an umbrella is completely safe; nothing is too heavy to lift when wearing a cape; monsters exist, and can both be seen and done battle with; your favorite blanket is woven from a fabric so mighty that once pulled over your head it creates impenetrable force field, and the greatest, most special lost power: the ability to fly. Older Mike : [When the bullies showed up] We knew we were dead instantly,the way you always know you're in for it when bigger kids show up. It's a sixth sense you never lose. Older Mike : [on getting the idea to sell golf balls] It was money, I didn't know how it would help but I knew we were better off if we had some than if we didn't. Older Mike : We called him 'The king', because... that's what he liked to be called. Boy #1 : Dad, he promised to let me play with it, now he says he didn't and he won't. Older Mike : Did you promise? [other son nods] Older Mike : Well, you can't just say, "I promise," then forget about it. "I promise" are the most important words you'll ever say... well almost the most important words you'll ever say. Movie Title: That Thing You Do! (1996) as Mr. White: Mr. White : You guys look great in black, have I told you that? Mr. White : You guys look great in gold, have I told you that? Mr. White : You guys look great in red, have I told you that? Mr. White : I don't want any of this lover's lament crap. I want something peppy, something happy, something up-tempo. I want something snappy. Mr. White : You know, Horace was right about you, Guy; you are the smart one. Lenny is the fool, Jimmy is the... talent, and Faye is... well, now, Faye is special, isn't she? And you are the smart one. That's what I think, anyway. Mr. White : Any questions? Don't ask. I'm tired of talking to you and I want to sleep. Mr. White : This "Oneders" thing, with the o-n-e, it doesn't work. It's confusing. From now on, you're just The Wonders. Lenny : As in, I wonder what happened to the O-Needers? Mr. White : It is very important that you don't stink today. Lenny Haise : Hey, I make no guarantees. [After Faye has just broken up with Jimmy] Jimmy : Shoulda dumped you in Pittsburgh! [He gets up] Jimmy : Which one of you butts said we were engaged? Mr. White : The same person who said you had class, Jimmy. Guy Patterson : But we still have a hit record. Mr. White : Yes, you do. [thoughtfully] Mr. White : The one-hit Wonders. [looks at Guy] Mr. White : A very common tale. Movie Title: The Money Pit (1986) as Walter Fielding / Walter / Water Fielding: Walter : There is a house that I want to buy. Benny : Lets just cut to the chase all right? What do you want? Walter : I want you to loan me $200,000 in cash. Benny : No. Walter : Benny! Benny : You shout at me? Walter : I shout at you! I need that money and you are going to loan it to me. Benny : No I won't! Walter : Yes you will! Benny : No, No, No! Walter : Yes you will! I saved you ten times in taxes last year. Benny : So what? Walter : Benny if you don't loan me that money. I'll... Benny : You'll what? Huh? You'll what? Walter : I'll not like you anymore! Benny : ...Ok. Walter : Thanks. Curly : If the permit man ever comes back. You give me a call and we'll come back and finish the job. Walter : When I do get the permits how long will the job take? Curly : Two weeks. Walter : Two weeks? Two weeks? Curly : You sound like a parakeet there. "Two weeks! Two weeks!" Walter : Two weeks. It's amazing. Curly : Amazing nothing. It'll be a regular miracle. Walter : Ahh, home crap home! Walter : Mozart? Mozart is dead, his problems are over, help MEEE... Walter : Here lies Walter Fielding. He bought a house, and it killed him. Walter : What has Max got that I haven't got? Anna : Walls. Anna : "That is such a dumb idea. Sometimes it amazes me you ever passed the bar." Walter : "I'm not surprised. You've never passed a bar in your life." Anna : "You are so much less attractive when I'm sober." Walter : "Thank goodness it's not that often." Walter : its a big house, we'll split it 'til its done, I'll live on my half and you live on yours. Anna : that is the dumbest idea I have ever heard of. sometimes it amazes me you ever passed the bar. Walter : it should you've never passed a bar in you life. Anna : you are so less attractive when I am sober. Walter : thank God its not that often. Anna : [yelling] Alright! we'll stick it out 'til the house is done. Anna : I can't believe you passed the bar. Walter : I know, you've never passed a bar in your life. [Jack is being taken on an ambulance after losing his breath on the jogging track] Jack : I'm fine really. Paramedic : Take it easy Mr. Schidntmann Walter : Has this ever happened to you before? Jack : Yes. Paramedic : Seven times in the past five months. Walter : I thought the jogging was getting you in better shape. Jack : It is. Paramedic : Yeah thanks to the jogging I can lift him into the ambulance. [Walter sees the new stairs that had been built] Walter : Stairs! Ha! A Staircase! We have stairs! [Dances happily on them] Walter : Oh hello Mr. Stairs I've missed you. Walter : What happened? Curly : It was no picnic but those guys are work animals. Well everything looks pretty much under control. Walter : It does? Curly : Well not to the layman's eyes of course. Walter : They completely ripped up my house! Curly : They sure as hell did didn't they? They really ripped the guts out of it. They're work animals I tell you. Look at those holes huh? Then you've got your gravel piles, your sand piles, your scrap piles. Animals! Walter : Animals. Curly : Well I like a good conversation as much as any but I've got to run. Hasta Pronto if you know what I mean. Walter : You're leaving? Curly : Well I ain't moving in. Walter : I'm not trying to tell you your business but you haven't even looked at my pipes. Brad Shirk : I looked at them three years ago. You figure they've improved with age? [Walter and Anna are discussing the possibility of buying the house] Walter : You know what this is? This is the short line at Motor Vehicles. Anna : What? Walter : Sure! You know... you go to Motor Vehicles to get your license renewed, and you get on this line that reaches to Spain, and right next to it is this little short line with only two guys in it, but you figure something must be "wrong" with that line - otherwise everyone else would be in it - so you waste three hours! Anna : I got in the short line once. It was for farm vehicles. Water Fielding : He's supposed to be a really good carpenter. Besides, he has a brother who's a plumber! Anna Crowley : Really? A brother who's a plumber? Think I should sleep with him? Walter Fielding : Maybe just this once. Walter Fielding : Just because they showed up to collect the money, is no guarantee that they'll show up to do the work... and if they do... I can't pay for it! Anna : Well, the turkey's done. Walter : So's the kitchen. Actually, it's a little overdone for my tastes. Let's not go there again. Walter : [Walter is on the phone with the permit inspector] I'm sorry I wasn't here when you came by but my wife, ah, became very ill and we, uh, had to take her to the hospital and she is fact very ill and... oh, that doesn't cut any ice with you. Well, what would cut some ice? A bribe; okay, how much? $200? I'll see you in fifteen minutes. Anna : This is my house, too. I want to help. Walter : Do you have a gun? 'Cheap Girl' # 1: Walter! We've decided to change the name of our group! Walter : Change the name? Why? I love your name, "The Cheap Girls", I love it. I think it says it all! 'Cheap Girl' # 1: We want to change our name to "Meryl Streep". What do you think? Walter : I think you would be opening yourself up to a big lawsuit. In fact, having seen your act, I can guarantee a big lawsuit. Movie Title: Toy Story (1995) as Woody: Mr. Potato Head : How come you don't have a laser, Woody? Woody : It's not a laser. It's a little light that blinks. Hamm : What's wrong with him? Mr. Potato Head : Laser envy. Buzz : I've set my laser from stun to kill. Woody : Oh, great. If anyone attacks we can blink em' to death. [Preparing for the toy mutiny] Woody : Wind the frog. Woody : Wait a minute, I just lit a rocket... rockets explode. AAHH. Woody : Tuesday's plastic corrosion awareness meeting was a big success. Woody : Look, we're all very impressed with Andy's new toy. Buzz : Toy? Woody : T-O-Y, toy. Buzz : Excuse me, I think the word you're searching for is "space ranger". Woody : The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there's preschool toys present. Buzz : I just want you to know that even though you tried to terminate me, revenge is not an idea we promote on my planet. Woody : Oh. Well, that's good. Buzz : But we're not on my planet, are we? Woody : What chance does a toy like me have against a Buzz Lightyear action figure? Buzz : CAN. Woody : That wasn't flying; that was falling with style. Woody : Okay, Buzz. I think you've had enough tea, for now. Woody : Buzz, you're flying. Buzz : This isn't flying, this is falling with style. Woody : Aaaaah. This is the part where we blow up. Buzz : Not today. [Woody finds Buzz dressed up as "Mrs. Nesbitt" and in the company of two headless dolls] Woody : What happened to you? Buzz : One minute you're defending the whole galaxy, and, suddenly, you find yourself sucking down Darjeeling with Marie Antoinette... and her little sister. Woody : Who's got my hat? Shark: Look, I'm Woody: Howdy, howdy, howdy. Woody : Ha-ha, ha-ha. Gimme that. Bo Peep: Why don't I get someone else to watch the sheep for me? Woody : Oh-ho yeah. Buzz : Do you know these life forms? Woody : Yes, they're Andy's toys. [Buzz deploys his wings] Hamm : Wow. Impressive wingspan. Very good. Woody : Oh, what? What? These are plastic. He can't fly. Buzz : They are a terillium-carbonic alloy, and I can fly. Woody : No, you can't. Buzz : Yes, I can. Woody : Can't. Buzz : Can. Woody : Can't, can't, ca-an't. Buzz : I tell you, I could fly around this room with my eyes closed. Woody : Okay, Mr. Lightbeer, prove it. Buzz : All right then, I will. Woody : Does everybody have a moving buddy? Hamm : Moving buddy? You can't be serious. Rex : I didn't know we had to have one already. Mr. Potato Head : [holding his left arm in his right hand] Do we have to hold hands? [All laugh] Woody : [through his voice box] Reach for the sky! Sid: Huh? Woody : This town ain't big enough for the two of us! Sid: What? Woody : Somebody's poisoned the waterhole! Sid: It's busted. Woody : Who are you calling busted, Buster? Sid: Huh? Woody : That's right! I'm talking to you, Sid Philips! We don't like being blown up, Sid. Or smashed, or torn apart. Sid: [hyperventilating] W-we? Woody : That's right, your toys! [Toys get up and surround the terrified Sid] Woody : From now on, you must take good care of your toys, because if you don't, we'll find out, Sid! Woody : [While turning head around slowly] We toys can see EVERYTHING! Woody : [speaking and moving] So play nice! [Sid screams and runs inside] Rex : ROAR! Woody : Oh, hi Rex. Rex : Did I frighten you? Tell me honestly. Woody : I was very close to being scared that time. Rex : I was going for fearsome, but I don't think I have it in me. I think I'm just coming off as annoying. Buzz : This is no time to panic. Woody : This is a perfect time to panic! Movie Title: Forrest Gump (1994) as Forrest Gump: Forrest Gump : Will you marry me? [Jenny turns and looks at him] Forrest Gump : I'd make a good husband, Jenny. Jenny Curran : You would, Forrest. Forrest Gump : But you won't marry me. Jenny Curran : You don't wanna marry me. Forrest Gump : Why don't you love me, Jenny? I'm not a smart man, but I know what love is. Forrest Gump : Mama always said, dying was a part of life. Forrest Gump : Her dream had come true. She was a folk singer. Forrest Gump : When I was in China on the All-American Ping Pong team, I just loved playing ping-pong with my Flexolite ping pong paddle. Forrest Gump : Mama says they was magic shoes. They could take me anywhere. Lieutenant Daniel Taylor : Have you found Jesus yet, Gump? Forrest Gump : I didn't know I was supposed to be looking for him, sir. Forrest Gump : Lieutenant Dan, what are you doing here? Lieutenant Daniel Taylor : I'm here to try out my sea legs. Forrest Gump : But you ain't got no legs, Lieutenant Dan. Jenny Curran : Do you think I could fly off this bridge, Forrest? Forrest Gump : What do you mean , Jenny? Jenny Curran : Nothing. Forrest Gump : Mama always said life was like a box a chocolates, never know what you're gonna get. [Forrest has finished assembling his rifle] Forrest Gump : DONE, DRILL SERGEANT! Drill Sergeant : GUUUUUUMP! Why did you put that weapon together so quickly, Gump? Forrest Gump : Because you told me to, Drill Sergeant? Drill Sergeant : Outstanding, Gump! This is a new company record! If it weren't such a waste of a fine enlisted man I'd recommend you for OCS! You are gonna be a general someday, Gump! Bubba : Have you ever been on a shrimp boat? Forrest Gump : No, but I've been on a real big boat. Forrest Gump : Now you wouldn't believe me if I told you, but I could run like the wind blows. From that day on, if I was ever going somewhere, I was running! [Repeated line] Forrest Gump : Stupid is as stupid does. Forrest Gump : Sometimes, I guess there's just not enough rocks. Drill Sergeant : Gump! What's your sole purpose in this army? Forrest Gump : To do whatever you tell me, drill sergeant! Drill Sergeant : God damn it, Gump! You're a god damn genius! This is the most outstanding answer I have ever heard. You must have a goddamn I.Q. of 160. You are goddamn gifted, Private Gump. Listen up, people... Forrest Gump : Now for some reason I fit in the army like one of them round pegs. It's not really hard. You just make your bed real neat and remember to stand up straight and always answer every question with "Yes, drill sergeant." Drill Sergeant : ...Is that clear? Forrest Gump : Yes, drill sergeant! Fat Man at Bench : It was a bullet, wasn't it? Forrest Gump : A bullet? Fat Man at Bench : That jumped up and bit you. Forrest Gump : Oh, yes sir. Bit me right in the buttocks. They said it was a million dollar wound, but the army must keep that money 'cause I still haven't seen a nickel of that million dollars. Forrest Gump : I'm sorry I had to fight in the middle of your Black Panther party. Bubba : My given name is Benjamin Buford Blue, but people call me Bubba. Just like one of them ol' redneck boys. Can you believe that? Forrest Gump : My name's Forrest Gump. People call me Forrest Gump. [Repeated line] Forrest Gump : We were like peas and carrots, Jenny and I. Forrest Gump : I'm sorry I ruined your New Year's Eve party, Lieutenant Dan. She tasted like cigarettes. Jenny Curran : His name's Forrest. Forrest Gump : Like me. Jenny Curran : I named him after his daddy. Forrest Gump : He got a daddy named Forrest, too? Jenny Curran : You're his daddy, Forrest. Forrest Gump : When I got tired, I slept. When I got hungry, I ate. When I had to go, you know, I went. Elderly Southern Woman on Park Bench : And so, you just ran? Forrest Gump : Yeah. Lieutenant Daniel Taylor : Where are you boys from in the world? Forrest Gump , Bubba : Alabama, sir! Lieutenant Daniel Taylor : You twins? Forrest Gump : No, we are not relations, sir. Forrest Gump : Hello. I'm Forrest, Forrest Gump. Recruit Officer : Nobody gives a hunky shit who you are, pus ball. You're not even a low-life, scum-sucking maggot. Get your ass on the bus, you're in the army now! Jenny Curran : Have you ever been with a girl, Forrest? Forrest Gump : I sit next to them in my Home Economics class all the time. John F. Kennedy : Congratulations, how do you feel? Forrest Gump : I gotta pee. John F. Kennedy : [turning to camera] I believe he said he had to go pee. Heh heh. Lyndon B. Johnson : [Putting medal on Forrest] America owes you a debt of gratitude, son. Now I understand you were wounded. Where were you hit? Forrest Gump : In the buttocks. Lyndon B. Johnson : Oh that must be a site. [Whispering to Forrest] Lyndon B. Johnson : I'd like to see that. [Forrest shows him; Johnson walks away embarrassed] Lyndon B. Johnson : God damn, son. Abbie Hoffman : Tell us a little bit about the war, man. Forrest Gump : The war in Vietnam? Abbie Hoffman : [to audience] War in Viet-Fucking-Nam! [Audience cheers] Forrest Gump : [in the Watergate hotel; on phone with security] Yeah, sir, you might want to send a maintenance man over to that office across the way. The lights are off, and they must be looking for a fuse box, 'cause them flashlights, they keep me awake. [Forrest has just graduated from college] Recruit Officer : Have you given any thought to your future, son? Forrest Gump : 'Thought'? [Describing Vietnam] Forrest Gump : We was always taking long walks, and we was always looking for a guy named 'Charlie.' Forrest Gump : The best thing about visiting the President is the food! Now, since it was all free, and I wasn't hungry but thirsty, I must've drank me fifteen Dr. Peppers. Forrest Gump : [dejected] No shrimp. Lieutenant Daniel Taylor : Where the Hell is this God of yours? Forrest Gump : [narrating] It's funny Lieutenant Dan said that, 'cause right then, God showed up. Forrest Gump : My Mama always said you've got to put the past behind you before you can move on. [Forrest Gump referring to Apple Computer] Forrest Gump : Lieutenant Dan got me invested in some kind of fruit company. So then I got a call from him, saying we don't have to worry about money no more. And I said, that's good! One less thing. Bumper Sticker Guy: [running after Forrest] Hey man! Hey listen, I was wondering if you might help me. 'Cause I'm in the bumper sticker business and I've been trying to think of a good slogan, and since you've been such a big inspiration to the people around here I thought you might be able to help me jump into - WOAH! Man, you just ran through a big pile of dog shit! Forrest Gump : It happens. Bumper Sticker guy: What, shit? Forrest Gump : Sometimes. Forrest Gump : [running] I had run for 3 years, 2 months, 14 days, and 16 hours. [he stops and turns around] Runner: Quiet, quiet! He's gonna say something! Forrest Gump : [pause] I'm pretty tired... I think I'll go home now. Dorothy Harris : Are you coming along? Forrest Gump : Mama said not to be taking rides from strangers. Dorothy Harris : This is the bus to school. Forrest Gump : I'm Forrest, Forrest Gump. Dorothy Harris : I'm Dorothy Harris. Forrest Gump : Well, now we ain't strangers anymore. Jenny Curran : Were you scared in Vietnam? Forrest Gump : Yes. Well, I-I don't know. Sometimes it would stop raining long enough for the stars to come out... and then it was nice. It was like just before the sun goes to bed down on the bayou. There was always a million sparkles on the water... like that mountain lake. It was so clear, Jenny, it looked like there were two skies one on top of the other. And then in the desert, when the sun comes up, I couldn't tell where heaven stopped and the earth began. It's so beautiful. Jenny Curran : I wish I could've been there with you. Forrest Gump : You were. Forrest Gump : Mama always had a way of explaining things so I could understand them. Forrest Gump : What's my destiny, Mama? Mrs. Gump : You're gonna have to figure that out for yourself. Forrest Gump : That day, for no particular reason, I decided to go for a little run. So I ran to the end of the road. And when I got there, I thought maybe I'd run to the end of town. And when I got there, I thought maybe I'd just run across Greenbow County. And I figured, since I run this far, maybe I'd just run across the great state of Alabama. And that's what I did. I ran clear across Alabama. For no particular reason I just kept on going. I ran clear to the ocean. And when I got there, I figured, since I'd gone this far, I might as well turn around, just keep on going. When I got to another ocean, I figured, since I'd gone this far, I might as well just turn back, keep right on going. Forrest Gump : I don't know if we each have a destiny, or if we're all just floatin' around accidental-like on a breeze. But I, I think maybe it's both. Forrest Gump : In the land of China, people hardly got nothing at all. John Lennon : No possessions? Forrest Gump : And in China they never go to church. John Lennon : No religion too? Dick Cavett : Ah. Hard to imagine. John Lennon : Well it's easy if you try, Dick. Jenny Curran : Do you ever dream, Forrest, about who you're gonna be? Forrest Gump : Who I'm gonna be? Jenny Curran : Yeah. Forrest Gump : Aren't-aren't I going to be me? Jenny Curran : You can't keep trying to rescue me all the time. Forrest Gump : They was trying to grab you. Jenny Curran : A lot of people try to grab me. Forrest Gump : He was from a long great military tradition. Somebody from his family had fought and died in every single American war. I guess you could say he had a lot to live up to. Forrest Gump : Lieutenant Dan was always getting these funny feelings about a rock or a trail or the road, so he'd tell us to get down, shut up. Lieutenant Daniel Taylor : Get down! Shut up! Forrest Gump : So we did. [Forrest Gump listing some of his comrades] Forrest Gump : There was Dallas, from Phoenix; Cleveland - he was from Detroit; and Tex... well, I don't remember where Tex come from. [Forrest is waiting with Forrest Jr. for the school bus on little Forrest's first day of school in Greenbow. The bus arrives and little Forrest is about to board it] Forrest Gump : Forrest, don't... [pause, then] Forrest Gump : I just wanted to tell you I love you. Forrest Gump Jr. : I love you too, Daddy. Jenny Curran : Why are you so good to me Forrest? Forrest Gump : You're my girl! Jenny Curran : [pause] I'll always be your girl. Forrest Gump : [to Jenny] They're sendin me to Vietnam... [Jenny is dispondent] Forrest Gump : ...It's this whole other Country Movie Title: The Green Mile (1999) as Paul Edgecomb: Paul Edgecomb : A big man is ripping your ears off Percy. I'd do as he says. Paul Edgecomb : Your name is John Coffey? John Coffey : Yes sir boss. Like the drink, only not spelled the same. Paul Edgecomb : Oh, you can spell can you? John Coffey : Just my name boss. Paul Edgecomb : What did you just do to me? John Coffey : I helped it. Didn't I help it? I just took it back, is all. Awful tired now, boss. Dog tired. Paul Edgecomb : What do you want me to do John? I'll do it. You want me to let you walk out of here and see how far you get? John Coffey : Now why would you want to do a foolish thing like that? Paul Edgecomb : When I die and I stand before God awaiting judgment and he asks me why I let one of HIS miracles die, what am I gonna say, that it was my job? Paul Edgecomb : The man is mean, careless, and stupid. Bad combination in a place like this. Paul Edgecomb : Men under strain can snap. Hurt themselves. Hurt others. That's why our job is talking, not yelling. You'll do better to think of this place like an intensive care ward in a hospital. Percy Wetmore : I think of it as a bucket of piss to drown rats in. That's all. Anybody doesn't like it can kiss my ass. Paul Edgecomb : What do you want, John Coffey? John Coffey : Just to help. Paul Edgecomb : What did you do, big boy? What did you do to me? John Coffey : I helped it. Didn't I help it? Paul Edgecomb : Yes, but... how? John Coffey : [shrugs] Just took it back, is all. Awful tired now, boss. Dog tired. Paul Edgecomb : I just can't see God putting a gift like that in the hands of a man who would kill a child. Paul Edgecomb : John, do you know where we're taking you? John Coffey : Help a lady? Brutus "Brutal" Howell : That's right. But how do you know? John Coffey : Don't know. To tell the truth, Boss, I don't know much'o anything. Paul Edgecomb : I've done some things in my life I'm not proud of, but this is the first time I've ever felt in real danger of hell. Paul Edgecomb : On the day of my judgment, when I stand before God, and He asks me why did I kill one of his true miracles, what am I gonna say? That is was my job? My job? John Coffey : You tell God the Father it was a kindness you done. I know you hurtin' and worryin', I can feel it on you, but you oughta quit on it now. Because I want it over and done. I do. I'm tired, boss. Tired of bein' on the road, lonely as a sparrow in the rain. Tired of not ever having me a buddy to be with, or tell me where we's coming from or going to, or why. Mostly I'm tired of people being ugly to each other. I'm tired of all the pain I feel and hear in the world everyday. There's too much of it. It's like pieces of glass in my head all the time. Can you understand? Paul Edgecomb : Yes, John. I think I can. Hal : [After Del's execution] WHAT IN THE BLUE FUCK WAS THAT? There's puke all over the floor up there. And that smell! I had Van Hayes open both doors but that smell's not going out for five damn years that's what I'm bettin'. And that asshole, Wharton, is singing about it. You can hear him up there! Paul Edgecomb : Can he carry a tune? Hal : Okay, boys, what in the hell happened? Paul Edgecomb : An execution. A successful one. Hal : How in the name of Christ can you call that a success? Paul Edgecomb : Eduard Delacroix is dead. [to Percy] Paul Edgecomb : Isn't he? John Coffey : You know, I fell asleep this afternoon and had me a dream. I dreamed about Del's mouse. Paul Edgecomb : Did you, John? John Coffey : I dreamed he got down to that place Boss Howell talked about, that Mouseville place. I dreamed there was kids, and how they laughed at his tricks! My! I dreamed those two little blonde-headed girls were there. They 'us laughing, too. I put my arms around 'em and sat 'em on my knees, and there 'us no blood comin' outta their hair and they 'us fine. We all watch Mr. Jingles roll that spool, and how we did laugh. Fit to bust, we was. Paul Edgecomb : What happens on the mile stays on the mile. Always has. Arlen Bitterbuck : Do you believe that if a man repents enough for what he done wrong, than he'll get to go back to the time that was happiest for him and live there forever? Could that be what heaven's like? Paul Edgecomb : I just about believe that very thing. Arlen Bitterbuck : I had a young wife when I was eighteen. We spent the summer in the mountains, made love every night. After we would talk sometimes till the sun came up, and she'd lay there, bare breasted in the fire light... that was my best time. [Edgecomb gives Coffey some cornbread] Paul Edgecomb : My wife made it to thank you. John Coffey : For what, boss? Paul Edgecomb : [points to his groin] You know. John Coffey : Oh, was she pleased? Paul Edgecomb : Yeah. Several times. Paul Edgecomb : We'll be doing this for real tomorrow night and I don't want nobody to remember some stupid joke like that and get it going again. You ever try to not to laugh in church when something funny gets stuck in your head? Same goddamn thing. [About Coffey's upcoming execution] Paul Edgecomb : Now how about a preacher? Someone to say a little prayer with? John Coffey : Don't want no preacher. You can say a prayer if you like. Paul Edgecomb : Me? I suppose I could if it came to that. Brutus "Brutal" Howell : You all right in there? Paul Edgecomb : Yeah, for a man pissing razor blades. Paul Edgecomb : John, do you know where we're taking you? John Coffey : Help a lady? Brutus "Brutal" Howell : That's right. But how do you know? John Coffey : Don't know. To tell the truth, Boss, I don't know much o' anything. Hal : Percy. Something to say? Percy Wetmore : I didn't know the sponge was supposed to be wet. Hal : How many years you spend pissing on a toilet seat before someone told you to put it up? Paul Edgecomb : Percy fucked up, Hal, pure and simple. Hal : Is that your official position? Paul Edgecomb : Don't you think it should be? [about toot-toot] Paul Edgecomb : Is his head properly shaved? Dean Stanton : Nope, it's all dandruffy and smells. Paul Edgecomb : I'll take that as a yes. [After Wild Bill causes havoc and nearly kills Dean] Harry Terwilliger : We thought he was doped. Paul Edgecomb : You didn't ask? [Terwilliger shakes his head] Paul Edgecomb : Well I don't think that's a mistake you'll be needing to make again anytime soon is it? [Brutal gets his first look at John Coffey, before Paul] Brutus "Brutal" Howell : He's enormous! Paul Edgecomb : Can't be bigger than you. Paul Edgecomb : I wanna hear about this new inmate, aside from how big he is! Brutus "Brutal" Howell : Monstrous big! Paul Edgecomb : Seeing a man die isn't enough for you, you gotta be close enough to smell his nuts cook? Paul Edgecomb : We all know who your connections are Percy. You ever threaten a man on this block again we're all gonna have a go. The job be damned. Percy Wetmore : You done? Paul Edgecomb : Get all this shit back in the restraining room, you are cluttering up my mile. Paul Edgecomb : Toot, one more remark like that I'll have Van Hay roll on two for real. And I'll have one less crazy old trustee in the world. Harry Terwilliger : Paul, we're not gonna have some Cherokee medicine man in here whoopin', hollerin' and shaking his dick are we? Paul Edgecomb : Well actually... Toot-Toot : Still prayin'! Still prayin'! Gettin' right with Jesus! Harry Terwilliger : Do it quietly you old gink! Paul Edgecomb : As I was saying, I don't think they actually shake their dicks Harry. Be that as it may Mr. Bitterbuck is a Christian, so I have the Reverend Schuster coming out. Dean Stanton : Oh he's good. He's fast too. Doesn't get 'em all worked up. William 'Wild Bill' Wharton : [Brutus Howell hands out cold sodas to the other guards] Hey, hey, I'm gonna get some too, ain't I? Paul Edgecomb : What makes you think you deserve any? William 'Wild Bill' Wharton : [mutters] 'Cause I got a big pecker... Movie Title: A League of Their Own (1992) as Jimmy Dugan: Umpire : Perhaps you chastised her too vehemently. Good rule of thumb: treat each of these girls as you would treat your mother. Jimmy Dugan : Did anyone ever tell you, you look like a penis with that little hat on? Walter Harvey : You kind of let me down on that San Antonio job. Jimmy Dugan : I, uh, yeh, I, uh... I freely admit, sir, I had no right to... sell off the team's equipment like that; that won't happen again. Walter Harvey : Let me be blunt. Are you still a fall-down drunk? Jimmy Dugan : Well, that is blunt. Ahem. No sir, I've, uh, quit drinking. Walter Harvey : You've seen the error of your ways. Jimmy Dugan : No, I just can't afford it. [giggles] Walter Harvey : It's funny to you. Your drinking is funny. You're a young man, Jimmy: you still could be playing, if you just would've laid off the booze. Jimmy Dugan : Well, it's not exactly like that... I hurt my knee. Walter Harvey : You fell out of a hotel. That's how you hurt it. Jimmy Dugan : Well, there was a fire. Walter Harvey : Which you started, which I had to pay for. Jimmy Dugan : Well, now, I was going to send you a thank-you card, Mr. Harvey, but I wasn't allowed anything sharp to write with. Jimmy Dugan : All right, everyone, let's listen up now, listen up. Something important has just happened. I was in the toilet reading my contract, and it turns out, I get a bonus when we get to the World Series. So, let's play hard, let's play smart, use your heads. Doris Murphy : [quoting him] That's that lump three feet above our ass, right, Jimmy? [laughter] Jimmy Dugan : Some more prominent than others, there, Doris. Jimmy Dugan : Taking a little day trip? Dottie Hinson : No, Bob and I are driving home. To Oregon. Jimmy Dugan : [long pause] You know, I really thought you were a ballplayer. Dottie Hinson : Well, you were wrong. Jimmy Dugan : Was I? Dottie Hinson : Yeah. It is only a game, Jimmy. It's only a game, and, and, I don't need this. I have Bob; I don't need this. At all. Jimmy Dugan : I, I gave away five years at the end my career to drink. Five years. And now there isn't anything I wouldn't give to get back any one day of it. Dottie Hinson : Well, we're different. Jimmy Dugan : Shit, Dottie, if you want to go back to Oregon and make a hundred babies, great, I'm in no position to tell anyone how to live. But sneaking out like this, quitting, you'll regret it for the rest of your life. Baseball is what gets inside you. It's what lights you up, you can't deny that. Dottie Hinson : It just got too hard. Jimmy Dugan : It's supposed to be hard. If it wasn't hard, everyone would do it. The hard... is what makes it great. Ira Lowenstein : Until you did that, I couldn't tell if you were... drunk or dead. Jimmy Dugan : It was made very clear to me what I'm supposed to do here. I smile, wave my little hat... I did that, so when do I get paid? Ira Lowenstein : Now, Jimmy, you have some pretty good ballplayers here. You ought to give them a little bit of your... Jimmy Dugan : [interrupting] Ballplayers. I don't have ballplayers, I've got girls. Girls are what you sleep with after the game, not, not what you coach during the game. [spits] Ira Lowenstein : If we paid you a little bit more, Jimmy, do you think you could be just a little more disgusting? Jimmy Dugan : [brightly] Well, I could certainly use the money. Jimmy Dugan : Uh, Lord, hallowed be Thy name. May our feet be swift; may our bats be mighty; may our balls... be plentiful. Lord, I'd just like to thank You for that waitress in South Bend. You know who she is - she kept calling Your name. And God, these are good girls, and they work hard. Just help them see it all the way through. Okay, that's it. Dottie Hinson : How good am I? Jimmy Dugan : You stink, you're lousy, you're only the best player in the league. Dottie Hinson : You ever been married? Jimmy Dugan : Well, let me think... yeah, twice. Dottie Hinson : Any children? Jimmy Dugan : One of them was, yeah. Jimmy Dugan : Evelyn, could you come here for a second? Which team do you play for? Evelyn Gardner : Well, I'm a Peach. Jimmy Dugan : Well I was just wonderin' why you would throw home when we got a two-run lead. You let the tying run get on second base and we lost the lead because of you. Start using your head. That's the lump that's three feet above your ass. [Evelyn starts to cry] Jimmy Dugan : Are you crying? Are you crying? ARE YOU CRYING? There's no crying, there's no crying in baseball. Rogers Hornsby was my manager, and he called me a talking pile of pigshit. And that was when my parents drove all the way down from Michigan to see me play the game. And did I cry? NO. NO. And do you know why? Evelyn Gardner : No, no, no. Jimmy Dugan : Because there's no crying in baseball. [Jimmy has just signed a baseball for a little boy] Little Boy: [reading] Avoid the clap, Jimmy Dugan. Jimmy Dugan : Hey, that's good advice! [Jimmy discovers Dottie has returned for the World Series] Dottie Hinson : Hey, Jimmy. What's wrong with you? Don't you ever shave? You look like shit. Jimmy Dugan : [grinning] We're gonna win. We're GONNA WIN. Walter Harvey : You go out, wave your cap, give the people a thrill. Jimmy Dugan : Why don't you get an organ grinder, I could do a little dance. Walter Harvey : If your knees are up for it, go ahead. Jimmy Dugan : By the way, I loved you in the Wizard of Oz. Movie Title: Catch Me If You Can (2002) as Carl / Carl Hanratty: Carl Hanratty : Well, would you like to hear me tell a joke? Earl Amdursky : Yeah. Yeah, we'd love to hear a joke from you. Carl Hanratty : Knock knock. Earl Amdursky : Who's there? Carl Hanratty : Go fuck yourselves. Carl Hanratty : Sometimes it's easier livin' the lie. Paula Abagnale : Just tell me how much he owes and I'll pay you back. Carl Hanratty : So far, it's about 1.3 million dollars. Tom Fox: He doesn't have a passport. Carl Hanratty : For the last six months, he's gone to Harvard and Berkeley. I'm betting he can get a passport. Carl Hanratty : But, sir, we're gonna let him get away. Assistant Director Marsh : No, Carl, you let him get away. Carl : I love my job! Frank Abagnale, Jr. : Stop chasing me! Carl Hanratty : I can't stop, it's my job. Movie Title: Volunteers (1985) as Lawrence Bourne III: Lawrence Bourne III : It's not that I can't help these people. It's just I don't want to. Chung Mee : Opium is my business. The bridge mean more traffic. More traffic mean more money. More money mean more power. Lawrence Bourne III : Yeah, well, before I commit any of that to memory, would there be anything in this for me? Chung Mee : Speed is important in business. Time is money. Lawrence Bourne III : You said opium was money. Chung Mee : Money is Money. Lawrence Bourne III : Well then, what is time again? Lawrence Bourne III : I need to have a talk with you; sort of a little father-son chat. Lawrence Bourne Jr : Have we ever done this before? Lawrence Bourne III : No, we're breaking you in. Dad, I need $28,000; it's the matter of a little gambling debt. I can assure you it will never happen again. Lawrence Bourne Jr : Well, I must say it doesn't surprise me. You have been a constant disappointment to your mother and me ever since the day we brought you home from the orphanage. Lawrence Bourne III : Stop it, Dad. You know I'm not adopted. Lawrence Bourne Jr : [Puts his head in his hands] I know, but please; just allow me this little fantasy. Kent Sutcliffe : Bourne, it's eight o'clock. Graduation breakfast is at nine, graduation is at ten. Lawrence Bourne III : Well, Booty, we'd better get down to the real sex then. Bootsy : Graduation! My speech. [leaps out of bed] Bootsy : I don't even have a theme yet! [To Kent] Bootsy : I'm the valedictorian at Smith. [Leaves holding her clothes] [Tuttle is lecturing the villagers] At Toon : Asshole! Tom Tuttle : What! who called me an asshole? Lawrence Bourne III : I don't know, but it should have been me. At Toon : It was me. You are an asshole, man. Tom Tuttle : [Laughing] You speak English? Lawrence Bourne III : Either that or he's an incredible mimic. At Toon : You bet, Ace. I am At Toon, the sharpest thing this village has ever seen. I spend two years in American school in Bangkok. Big deal, I rather be here. Lawrence Bourne III : Just a minute, stewardess! Tammy : Yes? Lawrence Bourne III : Could you get the pilot to send a telegram for me? [Writes down message] Lawrence Bourne III : 'Dear Dad. Have made terrible mistake and joined the Peace Corps. Please arrange to have me brought home at once. Your loving son, blah, blah, blah Lawrence'. Tammy : Are you sure? Lawrence Bourne III : Do I look like I'm associated with this hootenanny? And when you come back, bring me something with alcohol in it. Lawrence Bourne III : Well, look at the time. We've been talking for over ten hours. You know, Beth; we'll be awfully busy once we get to Loon Ta. Why don't we take tonight for ourselves; little dinner, dancing and then see what develops. You know, there's only one thing we haven't shared. Beth Wexler : You mean you spent that time talking to me and being nice so that you could have sex with me? Lawrence Bourne III : Well, yes. I mean I think I've put in the hours, don't you? John Reynolds : Bourne? Hey, I got a telegram about you. [Reads telegram] John Reynolds : You must have some kind of pull back home. Lawrence Bourne III : Well, we do like to consider Washington our back yard. John Reynolds : Yep; never seen anything like it. Waiver of training, physical, background check; immediate assignment to the Peace Corps at Loon Ta. Lawrence Bourne III : What! Loon Ta! You mean I'm in the Peace Corps? There, there must be some mistake! Tom Tuttle : Hey, Larry, you going to Loon Ta? So am I. Lawrence Bourne III : Wait a minute, don't tell me he's going too! Lawrence Bourne III : [throwing cigarettes and gum to the villagers] That's right, Lawrence Bournes III; rich American. Movie Title: Big (1988) as Josh: Josh : I wish I were big. Josh : Will you please leave? I got a deadline to meet. God. Billy : Who the fuck do you think you are? Josh : HEY! Billy : You're Josh Baskin, remember? You broke your arm on my roof! You hid in MY basement when Robert Tyson was about to rip your head off! Josh : You don't get it, do you? This is important! Billy : I'm your best friend. What's more important than that, huh? [Turns to leave] Billy : And I'm three months older than you are, ASSHOLE! Susan : I want to spend the night with you. Josh : Do you mean sleep over? Susan : Well... yeah. Josh : Well, okay... but I get to be on top. Josh : It's a glow-in-the-dark compass ring. So you don't get lost. Josh : I'm much better at video hockey. Paul : That's not a sport. Josh : It requires hand and eye coordination. Paul : It's not a sport if you don't sweat. Josh : What about golf? It's a sport and you don't sweat. Paul : It's not a sport if you let a machine do all the work. Josh : What about car racing? Paul : Shut up, Baskin. Mrs. Baskin : You have my son? Josh : [Over the phone] Yes. Mrs. Baskin : Look, if you touch one hair on his head, I swear I will spend the rest of my life making sure you suffer. Josh : Wow, thanks. Interviewer: Where did you go to school? Josh : It was called George Washington. Interviewer: Oh G.W. My brother-in-law got his doctorate there. Did you pledge? Josh : Yes. Every morning. [Josh and Billy hand her Josh's pay check of $187.30] Bank Teller : How would you like that? Josh : [After he and Billy discuss it] Three dimes, a hundred dollar bill and 87 ones. Josh : [checking Billy's baseball cards] Got it, got it, need it, got it... MacMillan : You can't see this on a marketing report. Josh : Um, what's a marketing report? MacMillan : Exactly. Josh : What's this? Scott: Pay day. Josh : [Opens up the envelope and looks at his check] A HUNDRED AND EIGHTY SEVEN DOLLARS? Scott: Yeah. They really screw you don't they? Josh : [playing racketball] That was under the line. Paul : What? Josh : That was under the line. You said it had to be over the line on a serve. Paul : No, I didn't. Josh : Yeah you did. You said it had to be over the line on a serve. Paul : No I did not, now give me the goddamn ball! Josh : Well that's cheating. Paul : Give me the Goddamn ball, will you? Josh : No. Paul : Give me the ball, you little shit. Josh : It's my serve. Paul : Give me the ball! GIVE ME THE GODDAMN BALL! I never said that! Josh : Yes you did. Paul : Give me the... [Josh starts to run, Paul gives chase] Paul : Give me the... Give me the ball. Give me the ball! Movie Title: The 'burbs (1989) as Ray / Ray Peterson: Ray Peterson : Remember what you were saying about people in the 'burbs, Art, people like Skip, people who mow their lawn for the 800th time, and then SNAP? WELL, THAT'S US. IT'S NOT THEM, THAT'S US. WE'RE the ones who are vaulting over the fences, and peeking in through people's windows. We're the ones who are THROWING GARBAGE IN THE STREET, AND LIGHTING FIRES. WE'RE THE ONES WHO ARE ACTING SUSPICIOUS AND PARANOID, ART. WE'RE THE LUNATICS. US. IT'S NOT THEM. It's us. Ricky Butler : Green sky at morning, neighbor take warning. Ray Peterson : Green sky at night? Ricky Butler : Neighbor take flight? Ray Peterson : [chanting] I'm not going to listen to this, I'm not going to here this now. Art : Ray! Ray! Your chanting! [points to book] Art : Ray, unconscious chanting... your chanting! Ray Peterson : [continues Chanting with fingers in ears] Art : [chants] I want to kill everyone. Satan is good. Satan is our pal. Art : Hey, once they get in here, [points to Ray's head] Art : its over pal. Ray Peterson : No, I've never seen that, I've never seen anyone drive thier garbage out to the curb and bang the hell out of it with a stick. Ray Peterson : Nobody knocks off an old man in my neighborhood and gets away with it. Ricky : Ya know, did you ever see the movie "The Centinal," Mr Peterson? It's about the old guy who owns the apartment which is kinda like the, uh, gateway to hell. Ray Peterson : No, I, I didn't see that. Ricky : Well, I was doin' some thinkin' and you know, being that their last house burned down and all, it's like maybe, somebody left the gate open. Art : Being that their last house only... burned to the ground. Ray Peterson : Yeah? Art : Yeah a hideous raging inferno. Dr. Werner Klopek : Come now, Mr. Peterson, you were in my basement. Surely, you looked in the furnace. Ray Peterson : Well I-I-I-I saw your furnace, Doctor. I figured a man's furnace is his business. Dr. Werner Klopek : You saw one of my skulls, didn't you? Oh yes, I know you did. It belonged to a neighbor of yours. The name was Knapp. We took the house from them. I offered to buy it but you know how old people are, they grow so attached to things. Ray Peterson : Uh, you know, Dr. Kopek, I think I forgot my wallet... [Tries to get up but is held down] Dr. Werner Klopek : I let you keep the femur, but now, now I want my skull. Or perhaps, I might just take yours. Hans! Art : Safety is my middle name. Ray Peterson : I thought his middle name was Lewis. Ray Peterson : Is that some sort of a transformer...? Mark Rumsfield : It's a goddamn power company. Ray Peterson : I'm going to go do something productive. I'm gonna go watch television. Ray Peterson : Night vision goggles? What's next, we bug their phones? Mark Rumsfield : That can be arranged. Ray Peterson : I've been blown up, take me to the hospital. Ray Peterson : You wanna take that out of your pocket? You wanna not steal that from Walter's house? Ray Peterson : [mumbling] aw, oh I should have gone to the lake, I shoulda listened to Carol... Art Wiengartner : Listen to your wife? Who listens to their wife? Listen, you gotta listen to me. [loud gunshots are heard] Ray : Art's got a gun Movie Title: Dragnet (1987) as Pep Streebeck: Joe Friday : Ma'am, what is the approximate dry weight of the average Madagascan fruit tree bat? Pep Streebeck : You mean you don't know? [Friday is about to eat a hot dog] Pep Streebeck : Do you have any idea what falls into an industrial sausage press, including rodent hairs and bug excrement? Joe Friday : I hate you, Streebeck. Pep Streebeck : May you live as long as you want, and never want as long as you live. Pep Streebeck : Are you crazy? Silvia Wiss wanted you. Friday : Now let me tell you something, Streebeck. There are two things that clearly differentiate the human species from animals. One, we use cutlery. Two, we're capable of controlling our sexual urges. Now, you might be an exception, but don't drag me down into your private Hell. Pep Streebeck : You've got a lot of repressed feelings, don't you, Friday? That must be what keeps your hair up. Pep Streebeck : Well, Muzz, I guess it's just you, and... and me... and your balls... and this drawer. [Joe Friday arrives] Pep Streebeck : Thank God, it's Friday! Pep Streebeck : [to Joe] Just like your cologne. Pep Streebeck : You know Friday, we're allowed to go 55. Sometimes even higher. Friday : Did it ever occur to you that by going eight miles an hour slower, we might save some gas and ease the burden on the poor taxpayers that pay our salaries. Pep Streebeck : A little gas isn't gonna put the city in hock and besides this looks bad, man. [Streebek hands over a broken phone to Friday] Pep Streebeck : It's for you. It's the president. Pep Streebeck : Well what a pleasant surprise... Grannie Friday... Friday : Not that it's any of your business, she's my maternal Grandmother, her name is Monday. [Friday's car was stolen] Friday : With the exception of you and canned cling peaches, I'd find it hard to find anyone or anything that doesn't know you should never leave your car keys in the ignition. Pep Streebeck : It's called a mistake, Friday. But I guess you never make any of those, do you? Captain Gannon : Friday, Streebeck, we've got another one. Chemical train hijack down at the freight yards. Damn Pagans must be living on No-Doz! Friday : Yessir, Captain. We'll roll as soon as we requisition a new... Captain Gannon : Oh, one more thing. Police and fire departments all over the county are reporting vehicles stolen. So keep an eye on your car. Pep Streebeck : Hey partner. I tried to call you up til midnight. I didn't know the Christian Science reading rooms stayed open so late. Joe Friday : Not that it's any of your business, but I spend the evening in the company of Connie Swail. Pep Streebeck : Don't you mean "the Virgin Connie Swail"? [Friday looks at Streebeck as the Dragnet theme starts] Pep Streebeck : Wait a minute! [the detective's car has just been blown up] Joe Friday : My hat was in that car. Pep Streebeck : I bet you can guess who blocked it for you. Movie Title: Road to Perdition (2002) as Michael Sullivan: Michael Sullivan : He murdered Annie and Peter! John Rooney : There are only murderers in this room! Michael! Open your eyes! This is the life we chose, the life we lead. And there is only one guarantee: none of us will see heaven. Michael Sullivan : Michael could. John Rooney : Then do everything that you can to see that that happens. [Maguire has pulled out a camera] Michael Sullivan : Is that, uh... your profession or... your pleasure? Maguire : Both, I guess. To be paid to do what you love... ain't that the dream? Michael Sullivan, Jr. : I couldn't do it. Michael Sullivan : I know. [After seeing his father kill someone] Michael Sullivan, Jr. : Does Mama know? Michael Sullivan : Your mother knows I love Mr. Rooney. When we had nothing, he gave us a home... a life... and we owe him. Mr. McDougal : Well this is a pleasant surprise. I wasn't expecting another deposit until the end of the month. Michael Sullivan : Actually, I'm making a withdrawal. [Pulls hi |
