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 Barbra Streisand Quotation"Oh God, don't envy me, I have my own pains." "The audience is the barometer of the truth." "I am simple, complex, generous, selfish, unattractive, beautiful, lazy, and driven." "I hate tooting my own horn, but after Steven [Spielberg] saw Yentl, he said, 'I wish I could tell you how to fix your picture, but I can't. It's the best film I've seen since Citizen Kane.'" "One thing's for sure: now when I look at Funny Girl, I think I was gorgeous. I was too beautiful to play Fanny Brice." Movie Title: Nuts (1987) as Claudia Draper: Allen Green : Do you have certain questions that you ask? Claudia Draper : No. I just go by the seat of my pants. Allen Green : Well how am I doing? Claudia Draper : I'm about to slide off my chair. Claudia Draper : You married? Aaron Levinsky : Pardon me? Claudia Draper : You got a Mrs.? Aaron Levinsky : Yeah. Claudia Draper : Does she give good head? Aaron Levinsky : You want to talk about your situation here or what? Youv'e been indited manslaugter in the first degree! Claudia Draper : I know all of that. Now tell me why you're here. Aaron Levinsky : The truth? Claudia Draper : No the bullshit Levinsky! I love listening to bullshit especially when I'm drowning in it! Dr. Herbert A. Morrison : Would you like a cup of coffee? Claudia Draper : Not unless there's tyrosine in it! Dr. Herbert A. Morrison : Sorry just milk and sugar. Claudia Draper : Pass. Aaron Levinsky : You look wonderful. Claudia Draper : You know why I use this dress? For the ones who want to sit on mama's lap! Francis MacMillan : Do you believe Dr. Morrison is acting out of a personal motive? Claudia Draper : No, I'm sure he believes what he believes. He thinks whores are girls who hang out on 8th Avenue and stick needles in their arms. He knows whores aren't nice white girls from nice white families. He knows that just as sure as he knows his wife is at home cleaning the oven. Isn't that right Herbie? But what if he's wrong? What if his wife is out balling the insurance salesman? What if he doesn't know is ass from his elbow? What if he's just an asshole with power to lock me up? What if that's all he is? An asshole with power. Dr. Herbert A. Morrison : You need treatment in order to control yourself. Claudia Draper : I'm in control, because right now I would like to ring your fucking neck! But I'm not going to. Dr. Herbert A. Morrison : Good. That's a step in the right direction. I would like to help you put your life back in order. Claudia Draper : Oh Herbie, there is no order in life. Maybe you need order. Maybe that's why your here. Behind bars. Makes you feel safe doesn't it. Dr. Hebert A. Morrison : Do you think this is productive? Claudia Draper : I know you. You see I know you better than you know me. Because I've seen you with your pants down. You drop your pants and talk about your troubles on how you couldn't make it on 5th Avenue or better yet Columbus. So you're stuck in the shitist and crumbest joint in town. Right Herbie? [questioning Dr. Morrison if Claudia knew what Manslaughter meant.] Aaron Levinsky : Is it true that Claudia Draper new she was charged with manslaugter in the first degree? Claudia Draper : Actually it's called woman slaughter, only I finish first! Francis MacMillan : You don't trust me, do you, Claudia? Claudia Draper : Are you crazy? Oh, I'm sorry. That's YOUR question. Movie Title: The Prince of Tides (1991) as Susan Lowenstein / Susan Lownstein: Herbert Woodruff : That Stradivarius is worth over a million dollars! Tom Wingo: Well, if I drop it, it won't be worth shit. Susan Lowenstein : Don't do it, Tom. Tom Wingo: Apologize to your wife, Herbert. Herbert Woodruff : You're bluffing. Tom Wingo: I may be, but its a powerful bluff, isn't it, asshole. [Tom throws fiddle high in the air.] Herbert Woodruff : [screaming] I'm sorry, Susan! [Tom catches fiddle.] Tom Wingo: Sincerity becomes you, Herbie. Now apologize to me for your unforgivable breach of etiquette at the dinner table tonight, you possum-bred cocksucker. Herbert Woodruff : I'm very sorry, Tom. Susan Lowenstein : I've gotta find me a nice Jewish boy. You guys are killing me. Susan Lownstein : So you feel your mother betrayed you? Tom Wingo: I was talking about my WIFE! Susan Lowenstein : Oh... Tom Wingo: THIS IS NOT ABOUT ME! Susan Lowenstein : Then, why are you so upset? Susan Lowenstein : How did you deal with his death? Tom Wingo: I shut down like a broken motor. Susan Lowenstein : Huh. And according to the Southern way, still no tears. Tom Wingo: [laughing] Oh, I cry sometimes, Lowenstein. I cry at weddings, at the Olympics. I'm real big at the national anthem. Susan Lowenstein : But not over Luke? Tom Wingo: What the hell for? It wouldn't bring him back. Susan Lowenstein : No. But it might bring you back. Movie Title: Funny Girl (1968) as Fanny / Fanny Brice / Fannie Brice: [Looking in the mirror] Fanny Brice : Hello, gorgeous. Fanny Brice : You think beautiful girls are going to be in style forever! I should say not! Any day now they're going to be over! Finished! Then it'll be my turn! Nick Arnstein : I'd be happy to wait while you change. Fanny : I'd have to change too much, nobody could wait that long. Nick Arnstein : Look, we're going to Delmonico's for supper. Would you care to join us? We'd be happy to wait while you change. Fanny : I'd have to change too much. Nobody could wait that long. Fanny Brice : Where I come from, when two people... well, sort of love each other... oh, never mind. Nick Arnstein : Well? What do they do when they "sort of love each other"? Fanny Brice : Well, one of them says, "Why don't we get married?" Nick Arnstein : Really? Fanny Brice : Yeah, and sometimes it's even the man. Fanny Brice : You could get lonesome being that free. Nick Arnstein : You could get lonesome being that busy. Fanny Brice : Now who'd think to look at you and me and see we got the same problem! Fanny Brice : He's a gentleman. A gentleman fits in anyplace. Rose Brice : A sponge fits in any place. Rose Brice : When you look at him, you only see what you want to see. Fannie Brice : I see him as he is. I love him as he is! Rose Brice : Fannie. Love him a little less. Help him a little more. Fannie Brice : I'm a bagel on a plate full of onion rolls! Rose Brice : What sort of mother would name her son Florence? Fanny Brice : It's not Florence, ma, it's Florenz! Rose Brice : What sort of mother would name her son Florenz? Movie Title: Yentl (1983) as Yentl/Anshel / Yentl: Yentl/Anshel : Why is it people who want the truth never believe it when they hear it? Yentl : If we don't have to hide my studying from God, then why from the neighbors? Yentl's Father : Why? Because I trust God will understand. I'm not so sure about the neighbors. Avigdor : I can't believe this, I'm arguing with a woman! Yentl : It's not the first time. Movie Title: Hello, Dolly! (1969) as Dolly Levi: Dolly Levi : Here, let me cut your wings! Horace : I don't want my wings cut! Dolly Levi : No man does, Horace, no man does. Dolly Levi : Money, pardon the expression, is like manure. It's not worth a thing unless it's spread around, encouraging young things to grow. Dolly Levi : And on those cold winter nights, Horace, you can snuggle up to your cash register. It's a little lumpy, but it rings! Dolly Levi : Hello! Hello there, how are you? Oh Hello! Horace : You know too many people. Dolly Levi : Total strangers! Horace : Then why do you greet them? Dolly Levi : It makes me feel good to have so many friends. Horace : Oh, say hello for me too then. Dolly Levi : I already did. Dolly Levi : As my late husband, Ephraim Levi, used to say, 'If you have to live from hand-to-mouth, you'd better be ambidextrous.' Ambrose Kemper : This doesn't concern her! Dolly Levi : Mr. Kemper, everything concerns Dolly Levi! Dolly Levi : Goodness, the whole room is crawling with men. Irene, my dear, congratulations. Dolly Levi : Mr. Kempler, do you mind if we go inside? I'm feeling an updraft in my underpants! Movie Title: The Mirror Has Two Faces (1996) as Rose Morgan: Rose Morgan : When my date takes me home and I don't hear the philharmonic in my head, I dump him. Rose Morgan : A wedding is the final scene of the fairy tale, they never tell you what happens after. They never tell you that Cinderella drove the Prince crazy with her obsessive need to clean the castle and that she missed her day job. Rose Morgan : What, what? Yes, I do have breasts. Unfortunately, they cannot, however, be the subject of your next report. Rose Morgan : I look like an over-the-hill Barbie Doll. Rose Morgan : It's not a date. We're just agreeing to eat at the same place. Gregory Larkin : You don't use make-up. Rose Morgan : What's the point? It'd still be me, only in color. Rose Morgan : Let's face it. They're not standing in line for me. Rose Morgan : By the way, would telling you now that I want sex tonight be enough of a warning? Rose Morgan : I just can't eat a cheesburger in the middle of the day anymore. Doesn't it make you bloated? Doris : Bloated? No, I thought it went rather nicely with the spare ribs I had for breakfast. Hannah Morgan : Why are you going to all of this trouble unless there's something special about this one? Rose Morgan : Mother, would you stop calling him "this one," it sounds like you're picking out a lobster! Rose Morgan : Why don't you get the coffee? Hannah Morgan : I've buried a husband, I've raised two daughters. I've made my coffee. Claire : Your hair looks good, the curls work. Why don't you get a perm? Rose Morgan : I tried that once, I looked like Shirley Temple on crack. Claire : Now you listen to me! Rose Morgan : Take it easy, Claire! Claire : Now, I want you to get up there and remember that this is MY day... and if you don't behave yourself, I'm gonna have your birth certificate blown up as a Christmas card! Hannah Morgan : I should never have encouraged you to speak. Rose Morgan : I don't feel anything, isn't that great! I never worried about how I would feel, I only ever thought about you. I only wanted to make you happy, I never thought I was good enough for you. Alex : Oh but you are Rose, you are! Rose Morgan : I know, I know, but Alex, you're not good enough for me! Movie Title: The Way We Were (1973) as Katie Morosky Gardner: [discussing advocacy for political causes] Hubbell Gardner : I don't see how you can do it. Katie Morosky Gardner : And I don't see how you can't Movie Title: What's Up, Doc? (1972) as Judy: Hugh Simon : I find that as difficult to swallow as this potage au gelee. Judy : How would you like to swallow one sandwich d'knuckles? Judy : You don't wanna marry someone who's gonna get all wrinkled, lined and flabby! Howard : Everyone gets wrinkled, lined and flabby! Judy : By next week? Judy : I know I'm different, but from now on I'm going to try and be the same. Howard : The same as what? Judy : The same as people who aren't different. Judy : I don't know who he is but I hate him. Eunice : Don't you know the meaning of propriety? Judy : Propriety; noun: conformity to established standards of behavior or manner, suitability, rightness, or justice. See "etiquette." Judy : I can't see! Howard : There's nothing to see really, we're inside a Chinese dragon. [Meeting Mr. Larabee] Howard : You! You! Judy : Eu-nice. Eunice. We've almost gotten that stammer cured. Howard : How! How! Judy : How-ard. Howard. He always gets stuck on names. It must be the excitement of meeting you for the first time. Judy : Love means never having to say you're sorry. Howard : That's the dumbest thing I ever heard. Judy : Eunice? That's a person named Eunice? Judy : Well, this last time was not my fault. Howard : What happened? Judy : Nothing, nothing, really. It was just a little classroom, it sort of burned down. Howard : Burned down? Judy : Well, blew up actually. Howard : Political activism? Judy : Chemistry major. Howard : I see. Judge Maxwell : Judy! Judy : Hello Daddy... Judy : Steve, you didn't tell me you were married. Howard : We're not married. Judy : Congratulations. Eunice : But we will be soon. Judy : Condolences. [Judy and Howard's Volkswagen Beetle is speeding along a pier towards a departing ferry] Judy : We can make it... Howard : No. Judy : We can make it... Howard : No. Judy : [The beetle arcs gracefully into San Francisco Bay] I don't think we can make it. Judy : Has anyone ever told you that you are very, very sexy? Hugh : Well, actually no. Judy : They never will. Frederick Larrabee : [Judy and Howard have their heads under the table, Howard is trying to convince Judy to leave, Frederick joins them] What's going on down here? You two just can't keep away from each other! Howard : We were just talking. Judy : We're just testing a theory Howard has about Vocal Reverberation Under Spinal Pressure. Musicologist : [A musicologist at their table joins them] What? Musicologist : [The other musicologist at their table joins them] Vocal Reverberation Under Spinal Pressure? Judy : You know, V.R.U.S.P.? Musicologist : Oh yes! Musicologist : I think I read a monograph on that. [Howard walks into the hotel gift shop, wanders around, picks up a big rock (souvenir of Alcatraz) and starts tapping it with a tuning fork] Judy : What's up, Doc? Howard : I beg your pardon? Judy : We gotta stop meeting like this. Howard : I think you've made a mistake. You see, I only came in here for something for a headache. Judy : You're gonna need an awful big glass of water to get that down. Howard : What? No, you see I was just testing this specimen for inherent tonal qualities. I have this theory about early man's musical relationship to igneous rock formations. But I guess you're not interested in igneous rock formations. Judy : About as much as I am in the sedimentary or metamorphic rock categories. I mean, I can take to igneous rocks or leave 'em. I relate primarily to micas, quartz, feldspar. You can keep your Pyroxenes, magnetites and coarse grain granites as far as I'm concerned. Howard : I forgot why I came in here. Judy : Headache. [Howard returns to his room after the dinner and starts changing into his pyjamas] Judy : [calling from the bathroom] Hello out there. Howard : [responding automatically] Hello. [mutters to himself] Judy : [calling from the bathroom] What? [Howard runs to the bathroom and drops his pyjama trousers, Judy's taking a big bubble bath] Judy : I believe you dropped something. Howard : What do you think you are doing? Judy : I think I'm taking a bath aren't I? Howard : If you're not out of here in two minutes, I'm calling the police. Judy : Who do you think they'll arrest? The girl in the tub or the guy with his pants down? Howard : I am not joking now. I do not like to act rashly, but you are the last straw that breaks my camel's back, you are the plague, you bring havoc and chaos to everyone, but why to me? Why me? Why? Judy : Because you look cute in your pyjamas, Steve. Howard : GET OUT! Judy : Right now? Howard : YES! [Judy starts to get out the bath] Howard : No! Wait a minute! Movie Title: The Owl and the Pussycat (1970) as Doris: Felix : I'm extremely sorry but I don't know the story to "The Sound Of Music". Doris : Oh no, that's terrible. Felix : You thought "The Sound Of Music" was terrible? Doris : Four times I saw that terrible movie. Felix : You must have really hated it. Doris : I saw it with my friend Eleanor at the Loew's King now torn down. It was playing continuous, no intermission. Get it? Felix : I don't think so. Doris : Her bladder burst. Doris : [To Felix through the door.] Say that you are just a little fruit all alone out in the hall. Movie Title: On a Clear Day You Can See Forever (1970) as Daisy Gamble: Dr. Marc Chabot : Have you ever been to England, Miss Gamble? Daisy Gamble : No, I'm afraid of flying. Well, not so much of flying, more so of the "no smoking" sign! |
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