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 Ashton Kutcher Quotation"In between scenes, we go up and play Nintendo 64. We just all hang out and have a good time." - On his experience with James Van Der Beek and Rachael Leigh Cook on the set of Texas Rangers (2000). "I think he's got [guts] for saying what he said. People get way too worked up about that stuff instead of just enjoying it." - On rapper Eminem and his music "I didn't even know guys modeled before that. I thought Fabio was the only male model, and I really didn't fit that bill." "I'll probably never be the best actor in Hollywood, but I hope to be the hardest working." "I don't believe that old cliche that good things come to those who wait. I think good things come to those who want something so bad they can't sit still." "I'm a guy's guy. I don't comb my hair unless I have to, and I don't use lotions or fancy shampoos." Movie Title: Down to You (2000) as Jim: Jim : So then I asked her to show me some of her paintings...they're so good. Al : She's a very talented lady. Jim : Yeah!...so goood!! Movie Title: Dude, Where's My Car? (2000) as Jesse: Jesse : Who's Johnny Potsmoker? Chester : Oh ,that's my alter ego. Jesse : Wait, I thought Johnny Potsmoker was MY alter ego. Chester : No. Yours is Smokey McPot. Jesse : Oh yeah. Chinese Food Intercom: And then? Jesse : No "and then"! Chinese Food Intercom: And then! [Jeese and Chester come across an ostrich] Jesse : Dude, it's a llama! [Chester refuses to leave a strip club] Jesse : Dude, this is an *emergency*! Chester : So is this. It's a break-dancing stripper emergency! Jesse : I refuse to play your Chinese food mind games! Jesse : Dude, where's my car? Chester : Where's your car dude? Jesse : DUDE, where's my car? Chester : Where's your car dude? Jesse : Have you seen my car? Christie Boner : Yeah. Jesse : You have? Christie Boner : Well, I saw the backseat. Jesse : No, I'm talking about the whole thing. Chester : Dude, you just touched Christie Boner's hoo-hoo. Jesse : Shibby! Chester : Low five. [Jesse & Chester's answering machine message] Jesse : Jesse... Chester : ...and Chester are shibby at the moment. Jesse : Please your shibby at the beep. Jesse & Chester: Shibby. [Jesse and Chester have tattoos on their backs that say "dude" and "sweet."] Jesse : Dude! You got a tattoo! Chester : So do you, dude! Dude, what does my tattoo say? Jesse : "Sweet!" What about mine? Chester : "Dude!" What does mine say? Jesse : "Sweet!" What about mine? Chester : "Dude!" What does mine say? Jesse : "Sweet!" What about mine? Chester : "Dude!" What does mine say? Jesse : "Sweet!" What about mine? Chester : "Dude!" What does mine say? Jesse : "Sweet!" What about mine? Chester : "Dude!" What does mine say? Jesse : "Sweet!" What about mine? [later] Chester : [angry] "Dude!" What does mine say? Jesse : [screaming] "Sweet!" Jesse : Wait a second, let's recap. Last night, we lost my car, we accepted stolen money from a transsexual stripper, and now some space nerds want us to find something we can't pronounce. I hate to say it, Chester, but maybe we need to cut back on the shibbying. [Chester slaps him] Jesse : Thanks, dude. Chester : Is that a barn? Jesse : Is it red? Chester : No. Jesse : Then it isn't a barn! Chester : How wasted were we last night? Jesse : Well, I touched Christy Boner's hoo-hoo, were on the hook for two hundred thousand dollars to a transsexual stripper, and my car's gone. I'd say we were pretty wasted. Jesse : Look, dude. It's those two totally gay Nordic dudes at 10 o'clock! [Jesse attacked a speaker box] Chester : Well, you didn't have to go all egg roll on that speaker box, dude. Jesse : I'm not the one who called the Dali Lama a fag! Jesse : I do not want to go down in history as the guy who destroyed the universe. Jumpsuit Chick #1 : First you give us the continuum transfunctioner, then we give you oral pleasure. Jesse : I've heard that one before... Alien Nordic Dude: But the universe? Jesse : [mocking the Nordic dude's accent] "Screw the Universe!" Alien Nordic Dudes: Screw the universe? Jesse : I'm sensing something very Canadian about this place. Mr. Pizzacoli : A trained dolphin could deliver pizzas better than you two! Jesse : But then the pizzas would get all wet. Jesse : Look, an elephant! Mr. Pizzacoli : [turning around] What? Jesse : Sorry, I guess it was just the mailman. Zoltan : You gotta activate the... Space Nerds: Photon Accelerator Annihilation Beam! Jesse : What? Mr. Pizzacoli : They said The Photon Accelerator Annihilation Beam, YOU FOOL! Chester : Hurry, activate it, dude! Jumpsuit Chick #1 : If you are Jesse and Chester, maybe we will give you erotic pleasure. Jesse : That's us! Chester : Right here! Jesse : Is it possible that we got so wasted last night that we bought a lifetime supply of pudding and then totally forgot about it? Chester : [opens cupboard] I'd say it's entirely possible. [Jesse and Chester are looking up at the Super Hot Giant Alien] Jesse : That is amazing! Chester : Yeah! Those are the bigest hoo-hoos I've ever seen [first lines] Jesse : What's up? Chester : Animal Planet! Jesse : Man, I just had the craziest dream. Chester : About what? Jesse : I don't remember [chuckles] Movie Title: My Boss's Daughter (2003) as Tom Stansfield: [Jack Taylor introduces his pet owl] Jack Taylor : This is O.J. Tom Stansfield : O.J.? Like the murderer? Jack Taylor : No, like a football player. O.J. Simpson. T.J. : You rat me out, I'm gonna carve you like a turkey and beat your kids with what's left of you. Tom Stansfield : I don't have any kids. T.J. : I can wait. Tom Stansfield : I appreciate all your help, but could you make sure that your friends stay out of the house? Audrey Bennett : All of them or just the colored guy? Tom Stansfield : No, all of them. Audrey Bennett : Oh, that's smart. That way the colored guy won't take it personal. Audrey Bennett : Speed, tell Tom about Kennedy's assassination. This is so cool, Tom, Speed knows who killed JFK. No ask him, Tom, ask him! Ask him who killed him! Tom Stansfield : Alright, alright. Who killed JFK? Speed : Desi... Arnaz. [Tom sees a mouse running loose, runs away to catch it] Speed : [To Audrey] His life just changed. Movie Title: Punk'd (2003) as Ashton: Ashton : Naked men can be sexy too. Ashton : What's Pauley Shore doing, trying to pick a fight with an eight-year-old kid? Ashton : You go up against my boy, and you will lose. Ashton : Dude, you just got Punk'd. Ashton : Frankie is a 16 year old little kid, driving a $200,000 car. When I was 16, I was driving around in a little baby blue, Ford Escort. We are gonna Punk this kid so hard. Ashton : I wouldn't even hire me if I had to hire someone, what makes you think I'm going to hire you? Ashton : It's dangerous being my friend. Ashton : Okay, when I'm at the urinal and I have my wang in my hand, I don't want to shake your hand, or take a picture with you... Ashton : I wonder why he calls himself the "rock"! Ashton : I wish my last name was Wood. Ashton Rachael Wood. Movie Title: The Andy Dick Show (2001) as Ashton Kutcher: [Ashton Kutcher drops Andy's Dead Cat] Andy: Ashton Kutcher killed my cat! Ashton Kutcher : Goddamnit Andy, That cat is dead! Andy: Yeah, because of you catkiller! Are you gonna go out and drown some puppies now? How about strangle some babies while your at it! YOU KILLED MY CAT ASHTON KUTCHER, I HATE YOU! Movie Title: Cheaper by the Dozen (2003) as Hank: Hank : Twelve kids... that's nuts. Hank : It's gettin' so as I can hardly go out in public any more. I mean, really, between the autograph hounds and the paparazzi... Kate : Autographs and everything? I mean, just the one commercial, and you have paparazzi? Hank : Yeah. I've never actually seen them, but, you know, they hide in the bush and... they get their shot. Nora : Oh honey, there just welcoming you into the family. Hank : They set me on fire. Nora : Just your pants. Hank : So, you guys popping another one anytime soon? [Tom and Kate looking shocked] Hank : Curiosity! Hank : [motions to his face] This is the moneymaker! I'm not that good of an actor! This is how I get the jobs, I know that. Nora : Did you not hear me? My brother is missing! Hank : Did you not hear me? I'm on TV! Hank : [with passion] Every once in a while, I carve a pumpkin with a knife made of lollipop sticks... Nora : [talking on the phone] It totally sucks! Movie Title: Just Married (2003) as Tom: Sarah : Tom, Tom, calm down your acting crazy. Tom : O.K, sorry, maybe it's just the fact I just got hit in the head with a ten pound ashtray. Tom : I need to know everything... where, when, how small his weiner is. Tom : Did you use protection? Sarah : I'm sorry, they don't make condoms that big. Peter : I'm not afraid of you. I studied martial arts with some of the best Chinese masters. Tom : Well, I sure hope they taught you how to pull a fire poker out of your ass. Tom : The first sex I had on my honeymoon, was with a man named Santino. Tom : Look, Yuan, Willie, whoever else is listening. You don't want me to be with Sarah and I can't change that. I don't know where we're gonna be in 10, 20, 40 years. I don't know who we're gonna be. I don't know if I'm ever gonna be able to give her all of this. There are a million things that I don't know. But there's one thing that I do. And that's that I love Sarah. And I am going to love her day in and day out for the rest of my life. Now, will you please... please... open the gate so I can tell that to my wife. Tom : I just hope that... I can be... all that I can... be... in this... family... Tom's Dad: Gonna tell me what your chewin' on? Tom : I just don't know if love is enough anymore. Tom's Dad: What do you mean, "enough"? Tom : I mean... Even if Sarah and I do love each other... maybe we did need more time to get to know each other. Tom's Dad: So- [clears throat] Tom's Dad: what your saying here is... you had a couple of bad days in Europe and... it's over. Time to grow up, Tommy. Tom : Hmm? Tom's Dad: Some days your mother and me loved each other. Other days we had to work at it. You never see the hard days in a photo album... but those are the ones that get you from one happy snapshot to the next. I'm sorry your honeymoon stunk but that's what you got dealt. Now you gotta work through it. Sarah doesn't need a guy with a fat wallet to make her happy. I saw how you love this girl. How you two lit each other up. She doesn't need anymore security than that. Tom : Thanks, dad. Tom : Girl, we are never gonna forget this honeymoon. Sarah : Is that a Thunderstick A-200o Tom : When did you become an expert? Sarah : I told you about that night in college. Tom : But you never told me about the hardware. Sarah : Getting a visual Tom : We gotta charge this thing Sarah : That plug won't fit in European outlet. Tom : I'll make it fit. Sarah : Don't force it. [After being shocked while trying to charge the battery in an adult toy] Tom : Good thing that didn't happen while we were using it. Tom : Okay, whatever. Listen, you get guests here from all over the world, it's up to you to have some American on your signs. Sarah : He means English. Tom : Hey, we're in this together. Sarah : Do you have four guys staring at your boobies right now? No. Sarah : Tom, have you ever not told me something cause you were afraid of how I would react? Like have you ever not told me the truth about anything? Tom : Like when I told you I liked your brother? Sarah : This is serious Tom. Tom : I am serious, I really don't like him. Tom : Assbag! Tom : Wow! Pussy's never insulted me. Tom : Maybe we should just have sex. Sarah : Call me crazy, but I'm not in the mood to make love to you. Tom : Those birds are psychotic. Tom : How often are the Dodgers on TV in Europe. Willie McNerney : We'll sic the hounds on you Leezak. Tom : BRING EM ON, WILLIE! Tom : HOOKER! Sarah : MURDERER! Tom : And the hits just keep on coming. Wendy : Oh my god! This is like the Twilight Zone. Tom : I couldn't agree with you more. Movie Title: The Butterfly Effect (2004) as Evan: Evan : Fuck Bag. Evan : Tell me the Greek alphabet. Huh huh huh? Alpha beta... [first lines] [reading aloud as he writes a note] Evan : If anyone finds this, it means my plan didn't work and I'm already dead. But if I can somehow go back to the beginning of all of this, I might be able to save her. [After Evan has just tried to commit suicide by drowning himself in the bathtub] Tommy : You forgot to put the toaster on the ledge. Evan : Lenny likes Poptarts... [To the neo-Nazi inmates] Evan : So, should I suck your dick now? Evan : More fucked up than I am now? You think you know me? *I* don't even know me! Kayleigh Miller : Where'd you learn those new tricks? Evan : What? It... it wasn't... weird... was it? Kayleigh Miller : Yeah, if you call multiple orgasms weird! [upon discovering his armlessness] Evan : What the fuck? Evan : I just thought that you should know. Kayleigh : Know what? Evan : That you were happy once... with me. Kayleigh : You know there is one major hole in your story, there is no fucking way on this planet, nor any other i would ever be in some fucking sorority. Evan : [Whispering] You were happy there... Evan : [to Kayleigh] I've already lost you once, I'm not gonna lose you again. Evan : I just thought that you would want to know. Kayleigh : Know what? Evan : That you were happy once... with me. [after handless Evan is saved by Tommy from an intentional drowning in his bathtub] Evan : I can't even fucking kill myself. Tommy : Don't talk like that. [Evan visits Kayleigh, who has now become a prostitute] Kayleigh : So, how's tricks? Sorry, occupational humor. Evan : Yeah, I got it. [in the reality where Kaleigh is with Lenny] Evan : So, do you think it might have worked? Kaleigh: Yeah... But that's not how things wound up... I'm with Lenny, Lenny is your friend... and that's where it ends. Evan : Whoa... Would it make a difference if i told you that no one could possibly ever love anyone as much as i love you? Evan : ...I am not saying that, I am just saying it like if you were a girl, would that be something you would want to hear? Evan : Yeah, you remember me? We had a nice chat once when I was seven... Evan : Where's Kaleigh? Lenny : Who's Kaleigh? [Evan looks confused] Lenny : You want me to take you to the doctor? Even: No, I think everything's gonna be alright this time. [last lines] [theatrical version] Evan : I'm just running a little late. Yeah, I had to finish up with the patients. Well, get the soup or something. All right. Love you, mom. Bye-bye. Movie Title: That '70s Show (1998) as Kelso / Michael Kelso: Michael Kelso : The truth is out there, man, it's out there. Fez : No more for you. Steven Hyde : Okay. Alright. Do you remember that time when I was climbing your fence, and I hit my forehead on that tree branch, and I fell into your yard, and your dog Yogi came out of the house and bit me twice on the ass? Michael Kelso : [laughing] Yeah, you bled and you cried. Steven Hyde : I bled. I didn't cry. Michael Kelso : Yeah, you did. You bled AND you cried. Steven Hyde : And you laughed, man. A lot. While I was bleeding... You see my point? Michael Kelso : Yeah: it's funny when friends get hurt. Steven Hyde : Close enough. Michael Kelso : Hey, Eric, maybe she's going to give you the big gift. You know, the BIG gift. You guys know what I'm talking about right? Steven Hyde : Yes, Kelso. We got it. Then, we got it. Fez : I'm not even from here, and I got it. Michael Kelso : C'mon Eric, we never ask you for anything. Eric : You guys ask me for everything. Michael Kelso : So, what's one more thing? [the guys are high in Eric's basement] Steven Hyde : I read somewhere that people in India fast, man. And, that it makes them think better. And, sometimes they can actually think themselves to death, man. Michael Kelso : I wonder if that's what I'm doing right now? Sometimes my brain is doing things that I don't even know about. Eric : Man, we think of some great stuff down here. But, later on I can never remember it. Michael Kelso : I miss Eric. Jackie Burkhardt : Well, you still have me. Michael Kelso : It's not the same, Jackie. I can talk to Eric about things that I can't talk about with you. Jackie Burkhardt : Okay, well like what? Michael Kelso : Well, for instance, the annoying things you do. Jackie Burkhardt : Michael. Michael Kelso : See, I can't talk to you. Eric : Gentlemen, we have finally done it. A pot leaf on the water tower. Fez : This is the proudest moment of my life. Steven Hyde : It doesn't look like a pot leaf. It looks like its giving me the finger. Michael Kelso : Well it doesn't have to look perfect Hyde, it's art. Michael Kelso : Cartoons make me horny. Oh and food. Michael Kelso : Yeah, I'm so Brando. Steven Hyde : Yeah, if Brando had a buddy named Potsie. Michael Kelso : If you really do love her, there's only one thing to do, man. You gotta dump her and live free. Michael Kelso : Why would you just cuddle with her when you could do it? I mean, Forman, doing it is "it." That's why they call it "it." IT. [Donna and Kelso are hiding under a bed] Donna Pinciotti : Is that your hand on my ass? Michael Kelso : It was an accident. Donna Pinciotti : Kelso, your hand's still on my ass. Michael Kelso : IT'S STILL AN ACCIDENT. Michael Kelso : I'm not shallow. I just judge women on their looks. Michael Kelso : Fez, the foundation of a good relationship is three little words: I don't know. What're you doing? I don't know. What're you thinking about? I don't know. Who's that under you? I don't know. Michael Kelso : If this van's a-rockin'... we're in there doing it. [while being questioned by Canadian police] Michael Kelso : If you call ham "Canadian bacon", what to you call bacon? Michael Kelso : Girls must really like astronauts, 'cause it says here they get all the tang they want. Michael Kelso : Look, she's beautiful, she believes in me, and if I can get her to put out, it's 3 out of 3. Right now, it's 2 out of 3, and I'm sorry but 50% ain't gonna cut it. Michael Kelso : Guys, I was making out with Pam Macy in the orchestra pit. And... the worst thing that could happen to a guy happened. Fez : Ohhhh. Mr. Cooper came in to wash the floors? Michael Kelso : No. Steven Hyde : Fez, I think what Kelso meant to say was... the rabbit wouldn't come out of his hat. Eric : The weasel wouldn't pop out. Michael Kelso : OK, ENOUGH. Eric : Oh, wait. There's a lot of Amish people, but they never raised a barn. Steven Hyde : That's a good one Forman. Eric : I know, it just came to me. Fez : Oh, I get it. The barn is Kelso's pants. Michael Kelso : This can't be happening to me. Fez : Oh, don't worry Kelso. I'm really sorry... SORRY YOU'RE NOT A MAN. [Everyone is going to a new club] Michael Kelso : All right. I'm going. Jackie Burkhardt : No, Michael, my parents are going out tonight. You're coming over to my house to... study. Michael Kelso : No. What a gyp. I'm going to the club. Jackie Burkhardt : No, Michael. You have to come over to my house to "STUDY". Michael Kelso : Fine. I'm gonna study. Steven Hyde : Man, you're stupid. Michael Kelso : I know, that's why I have to go study. Kelso : You have the right to remain BURNED! Eric : Kelso, I don't know if you should come over to dinner tonight. Michael Kelso : Look, I know you think it's gonna be uncomfortable because I'm dating Laurie. But, look, Red loves Laurie, and Laurie loves me. Red has to like me. I mean, what kind of father doesn't love the guy who's nailing his daughter. Kelso : Whatever. You know, none of this is as bad as Hyde not telling me. You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna make him tell me. Donna : How are you gonna do that? Michael Kelso : By outwitting him conversationally. What a fine game of cat and mouse it will be. Eric : So what are you gonna say? Michael Kelso : Oh, it'll come to me in the moment. Donna : Don't you think you should plan it out a little? Michael Kelso : Does an astronaut plan out his missions? Fez : What happens in cat and mouse if the cat is retarded? Michael Kelso : Oh, you just wait and see. Red Forman : This is a smoke detector. Michael Kelso : Does that detect any type of smoke? Jackie Burkhardt : Oh Michael, you're prettier than Bowie. Michael Kelso : I'm prettier than you. [Kelso just told Jackie a list of embarrassing things he's done in his life, in an effort to be honest] Michael Kelso : Oh, and that time we were about to fool around, and you asked me if I washed my hands, I had just actually finished playing with six dogs. Oh, but that's not nearly as bad as the time... Jackie Burkhardt : OK, Michael. Enough. You know when I talked to you about honesty? Let's talk about SELECTIVE honesty. Fez : And basic hygiene. Michael Kelso : Hey guys, guess what I got? Steven Hyde : VD? Michael Kelso : No. A hundred bucks. Eric : So money to treat your VD. [Michael on Eric] Michael Kelso : How dumb was he to give me the car keys? I mean, who in here trusts me? Fez : Not me. Jackie Burkhardt : Not me. Steven Hyde : Not me, man. Michael Kelso : Thank you. Michael Kelso : It turns out, the key to winning Jackie's heart was in the last place I thought to look - my own brain. Red Forman : Kelso, you make Eric look like Einstein. Eric : [sarcastically] Gee, thank you daddy. Michael Kelso : "Thank you"? Einstein was ugly. Red Forman : What are you doing here? Michael Kelso : The explanation is in the note. Red Forman : [reading the note] Dear Red, we would like for you to give Michael thirty dollars for the game you threw out the window and broke. Signed, my parents. [Kitty laughs hysterically, and leaves the room] Red Forman : Well, you made her laugh, that's worth at least thirty bucks. [Gives Kelso the money] Michael Kelso : Yeah, Hyde's in jail. Hey guys, do you think that he's anyone's girlfriend yet? Fez : Kelso, he's been in there for three hours. Of COURSE he's someone's girlfriend. Michael Kelso : What does he have that I don't? I mean, I have the three things women want: I'm hot and I'm smart. Donna Pinciotti : That's two things you moron. Michael Kelso : Nuh-uh, hot counts twice. Michael Kelso : That team is cheating. The brown guy is a robot. Kitty Forman : [to Michael] What is wrong with you? Were you dropped on your head? Michael Kelso : Yes, I was. And up until now, everyone had the good grace not to mention it. Michael Kelso : If this is about maturity, I want nothing to do with it. Michael Kelso : One day, I'm gonna open a restaurant, and everything on the menu is gonna be special. So, when somebody comes in and says "Hey, Kelso, what's special on the menu?", I can say "Everything." Michael Kelso : A promise ring is not only a gift from the heart, but it also means more sex and less mouthin' off. Michael Kelso : Jackie and I are back together. Laurie Forman : I understand. But, do you want to see my appendix scar? Michael Kelso : Once again... WHAT'S-HER-NAME AND I ARE BACK TOGETHER. Michael Kelso : What fun is it in being a girlfriend if you don't even have your own boobs to play with? Michael Kelso : Don't freak out, but if I see a deer on the side of the road, I'm gonna shoot him. Red Forman : Kelso, you fire that gun in this car, and I will pull over and kick your ass for an hour. Michael Kelso : I wish there was a way I could give Jackie a thing. That wasn't actually the ring. You know? Like a, a test gift just to she what she would say, and if it went bad I could just walk away... Hey, am I talking in rhyme? I wish I could do that all the time. Michael Kelso : Guys. I just saw a U.F.O... Steven Hyde : What a coincidence, I was just telling Fez how stupid you were. Donna Pinciotti : Do you think Eric could cheat on me with Shelley? Michael Kelso : Donna, Shelley's a tramp. No guy could ever turn down a tramp. Donna Pinciotti : Oh, my god. Is that true? Steven Hyde : I don't know. Let's find out. Laurie, have you ever been turned down? Laurie Forman : No. Steven Hyde : See? Steven Hyde : Hold on, Kelso. Suddenly, you're too mature to go cruising for chicks with us, and you're going to the mall with Jackie? Michael Kelso : Yeah, I've been doing a lot of thinking. And, I've come to realize that Jackie is the only girl I want to be with. Eric : Today? Michael Kelso : I've heard of 'kissing cousins', but have you ever heard of 'doin' it' cousins? Michael Kelso : Your soul is like an appendix. I don't even use mine. [Eric wants to propose to Donna] Michael Kelso : Forman, I'm saying this to you, as a friend who likes to see you get hurt. Don't do it. Michael Kelso : Jackie, when you told me to be honest, I decided that I'm gonna be completely honest. I'm going to tell you the truth about everything I've ever lied to you about. I have a list that Hyde helped me put together. Thanks again, Hyde. Steven Hyde : [grinning] No problem, buddy. Jackie Burkhardt : Ok, but, why are they here? Michael Kelso : Well, Hyde helpfully pointed out, that it's not completely honest, unless your friends are allowed to watch. [Jackie and Donna need something that's in Kelso's room, so they sneak in at night] Michael Kelso : [wakes up] Jackie? Donna? [Jackie and Donna freeze] Michael Kelso : Is this a dream? Jackie Burkhardt : Uhh, yeah, Michael. This is a dream. Michael Kelso : Are we gonna do it? Jackie Burkhardt : Uhh, yes, Michael. We're gonna do it. Michael Kelso : Ok. Donna first. [Kelso is clumsy with a gun] Donna Pinciotti : Kelso, careful with that. Michael Kelso : Don't worry, guns don't just go off by accident. Donna Pinciotti : What about Eric's hamster in fourth grade? Eric : Oh, no, my hamster went upstate to live with a new family upstate. Right? [Nobody says anything] Eric : Oh, my god. You killed my hamster. Michael Kelso : It wasn't my fault. The gun went off by accident. Steven Hyde : Look, Forman, if you give Donna that ring, she'll see the girl inside of you. And, you don't want to wake Erica up. Michael Kelso : Yeah, Erica. That's classic. I'm lucky. You can't make a girl name out of Michael. Steven Hyde : Oh, really, Michelle? Michael Kelso : Damn it. I forgot about Michelle. But, you know what, Forman? You should get Donna that promise ring. I'm gonna give one to Jackie too. Eric : Thank you, Kelso. Let's go get them, right now. [Eric and Kelso start leaving] Eric : See you later... Damn it. What's a girl name for Hyde? [Eric and Kelso start thinking] Steven Hyde : It's Heidi, you morons. [Kelso invited Hyde and Fez to Jackie's party behind her back] Jackie Burkhardt : Hyde? Fez?... MICHAEL. Michael Kelso : Oh good, it's Hyde, Fez, and Michael. Jackie Burkhardt : Well, I have a date too. Michael Kelso : Who is he? What's his name? Jackie Burkhardt : His name is... not important. What's important is, he's better than you, in every single conceivable way. Michael Kelso : DAMN, JACKIE. THAT COULD BE ANYBODY. Michael Kelso : I ate a piece of gum off a parking meter once. It was on a dare. I made a dollar. Man, there are some suckers out there. Michael Kelso : [Reading off a small box] A UNICEF contribution of thirteen cents will feed a child for a month. Man, living in Africa must be great. Everything's so cheap. Michael Kelso : We just saw college butt... ON A GIRL. Michael Kelso : Hey Laurie, long time, no doin' it. Donna Pinciotti : So, how many things around here have you put your butt on? Michael Kelso : Let's start with what I haven't put my butt on. Fez : We've been here for like 2 hours, and we've only moved like two feet. Michael Kelso : If you think the lines at the DMV are long, you should see the free clinic. Now there's a wait. Red Forman : Eric, if your mother wants you and Archie and Jughead to help her, then you'll help her. Michael Kelso : [to Steven] You're Jughead. Steven Hyde : You're so Jughead, its not even debatable. Michael Kelso : You are so... [Steven punches Michael] Red Forman : Steven, stop hitting Jughead. Michael Kelso : Laurie... yeah, me and her really had something, huh? Steven Hyde : Yeah, ointment took care of that though, right? Kelso : So! Jackie. You wanna go see Star Wars tonight? Jackie Burkhardt : God, Michael, I told you. I don't like space. Kelso : Jackie, if we're gonna start our relationship over, you gotta meet me halfway, honey! Jackie Burkhardt : Well, maybe I wanna do something else tonight. Kelso : Like what? [He stares at her until realization sinks in] Kelso : God, Jackie! We can do that for the rest of our lives! Star Wars is a limited engagement! Michael Kelso : Laurie, what's going on? You're acting like you're liking me, and that's weird. Laurie Forman : Like I told you, Kelso. I'm bored. Michael Kelso : Well, that's very flattering. Steven Hyde : Look man, I gotta talk to you about some things that happened while you were gone this summer. Michael Kelso : Hyde, if this isn't about free ice cream, naked volleyball or a dog wearing a hat and sunglasses, I'd rather not know. Miss McGee: Good night. I apologize if my being here upset you. Kitty Forman : I just feel that you being seen out with a student, it's just bad principle. Michael Kelso : Oh, he doesn't care. He's dating a cheerleader. Michael Kelso : So Jackie, do you wanna go see 'Star Wars' tonight? Jackie Burkhardt : Now Michael, I told you. I don't like space. Jackie Burkhardt : [points to Rhonda] Michael, why am I not in the loop? Why is she in the loop? Michael Kelso : Uhh... Jackie, I don't know what loop it is you're talking about. But, if she's in it, I don't think there's any room for you. Jackie Burkhardt : Michael, how come she has a key and I don't have one? Michael Kelso : Well... Uhh... It's not because nobody wants you to have one. That's for sure. Steven Hyde : So, Bud, can we have a keg party here? Bud Hyde : Yeah... sure. I'm cool with it. That's me... cool dad... Michael Kelso : Yeah. Bud's the coolest. [high-fives Bud] Eric : Yeah, Bud. [high-fives Bud] Eric : Would you be my dad? [both laugh] Eric : No, really. [both laugh] Eric : No, I'm serious. [At a bowling alley] Michael Kelso : [picks up two bowling balls] Hey, guys, I got 10 pound balls. [everybody laughs] Fez : [picks up two balls] Hey, guys, my balls have holes in them. [everybody stares at Fez] Fez : Now why was that not funny? Steven Hyde : Yeah, I'm going to go... bird watching with my girlfriend. Michael Kelso : Yeah, me and Jackie are going to go "BIRDWATCHING", too. [laughs and points at Red and Kitty] Michael Kelso : It's cool 'cause they don't know what we're talking about. [Red and Kitty stare at him] Steven Hyde : I think they cracked it. [about an attractive new cashier at Price Mart] Steven Hyde : Forman, you have a responsibility to all of us. You have to find out what's under that smock. Michael Kelso : I bet it's boobs. [There's a live firecracker, and they have to get it] Michael Kelso : Ok, Forman, you go get it. Eric : Why me? Michael Kelso : Because you're the skinniest one here. If anything blows up, you're the least likely get stuff fly at you. Eric : Yeah... But if you go it would be better. I mean, who would be surprised if you blew yourself up? Michael Kelso : Good point... Eric : Everything costs money. Gas. Food. Parties. Fun. Michael Kelso : Dates. Dates cost money. Fez : No, Kelso, that is prostitution. Steven Hyde : No, Fez, dating IS prostitution. Only, you don't always get what you paid for. Michael Kelso : You're engaged? Eric : No. Steven Hyde : How could you give her that ring? You're in High School, and according to the SATs, that's about as far as you're gonna go. Michael Kelso : Well, if being smart isn't gonna help me impress the chicks, then I want no part of it. Michael Kelso : There are a lot of other hot older women out there besides Midge. And they deserve our respect. Fez : Yes, I would love to make love to an 80-year old. They must know everything. Not just about sex, but history and trivia, too. Red Forman : What's going on? Michael Kelso : Nothing. Just a classic case of Hand-Stuck-In-Vase. Red Forman : Well, if you don't get your hand out of there, you're gonna have a classic case of Foot-Stuck-In-Ass. Michael Kelso : The only thing better than eatin' lobster is eatin' lobster and haulin' ass. Michael Kelso : [reading] Here's something that I did not know... they number every page. [Hyde is trying to pull a vase off Kelso's hand] Steven Hyde : Hey, this vase smells like chocolate. Michael Kelso : Really? [smells the vase and Hyde shoves it in his face] Michael Kelso : Ow. STOP DOING THAT. Steven Hyde : GET SMARTER. [Everybody's playing "Horse" in the driveway. Kelso throws and misses] Michael Kelso : Damn. Steven Hyde : Oh. Kelso misses another one. I believe it's already H-O-R. Fez : That's right. You are a whore. Michael Kelso : You know what? All this talk about havin' fun makes me wanna have fun. Hey. Let's throw stuff at other stuff. Michael Kelso : Yeah, I guess it was wrong, what I did with Laurie, but I was just amusin' myself, you know? And that's the key to life, right? Never stop amusing yourself. Fez : ...unless it starts to chafe. Then you should take a week off. [about Star Wars] Michael Kelso : There's no way it's better than Planet of the Apes. I mean, those apes were really good actors. [Kelso just got bossed around by his new girlfriend] Michael Kelso : Man, it's great to be under somebody's thumb again. [pause] Fez : What did your mother do to you? Eric : Ok, I know it. She told you about "Dr. PeePee". Fine, you got it. I couldn't sleep on the top bunk and I was 10. Fine, I'm "Dr. PeePee". [Everybody stares for a while, then they start laughing] Michael Kelso : "Dr. PeePee". That's great. You are so "Dr. PeePee". Eric : Oh, really, "Big Chief Brown Bottom"? Michael Kelso : [quietly] Sorry, man. I'm sorry. Everybody shut up. Just, shut up. [the screen is split in two parts. On top, Donna is talking to Jackie. On bottom, Eric is talking to Kelso] Eric : I really want to do it with her. Donna Pinciotti : I don't know if I'm ready to do it with him. Michael Kelso : I know what you mean. [positively] Michael Kelso : It's Donna. Jackie Burkhardt : I know what you mean. [negatively] Jackie Burkhardt : It's Eric. Eric Forman, Donna Pinciotti: What the hell's that supposed to mean? Michael Kelso, Jackie Burkhardt: Nothing. Eric : I mean, you and Jackie have done it millions of times, right? Michael Kelso : Oh, yeah. We do it all the time. Donna Pinciotti : I mean, you and Kelso have done it millions of times, right? Jackie Burkhardt : No. I let him get to second base once, but that's it. Michael Kelso : [reading] Oh Wait, Jackie. Two o'clock... 'Smokey and the Bandit'. Jackie Burkhardt : No-no-no-no-no. I told you, I don't wanna see that again. I don't like the South. Donna Pinciotti : What are you doing? Michael Kelso : Jackie gave me this egg to take care of, so me and Hyde are throwing it back and forth. Donna Pinciotti : Look, I'm not supposed to tell you this, but Jackie gave you that egg as a test. She's trying to see if you have any parenting skills. Michael Kelso : Oh, really? Hyde, better give that back. Bud Hyde : All right. [throws it, but it flies back and smashes against the wall] Bud Hyde : Whoops. I mean, hahahahahahahaha. Donna Pinciotti : And exactly whose panties are these? Midge Pinciotti : Um, actually, they're mine. [Kelso and Fez kneel on the ground] Michael Kelso : Eric. You are a GOD. Michael Kelso : I don't get Jackie. I mean, we were together for years, and the second I turn my back she off and frenches Hyde. Steven Hyde : And by turning your back you mean ditching her for two months to have sex with random beach trash? [pause] Michael Kelso : Whatever, man. It's all about words with you. Michael Kelso : When guys cheat, its because they need some hot action. But when girls cheat it's way worse, 'cause girls don't even like sex. Jackie Burkhardt : We do too. Michael Kelso : Well why aren't we doin' it now? Jackie Burkhardt : Because I don't want to do it right now. Michael Kelso : I do. Point made. Thank you. Michael Kelso : You can't sleep in the same bed with someone and not be doin' it. I've fallen asleep not doin' it and woken up doin' it. Eric : ...and that's why they won't put him to sleep at the dentist. Michael Kelso : [to Jackie] I still can't get over you cheating on me, and I need to hear you apologize again. And this time, maybe you should cry or give me money. Donna Pinciotti : [to Eric] Have you suddenly become the stupidest man ever? I mean, is Kelso no longer the reigning king? Michael Kelso : Oh, I'm the king. Michael Kelso : In Wisconsin, if you win a girl a giant, purple rhinoceros, she puts out. [Kelso brought Fez to the Piggly Wiggly to meet attractive, older women] Kitty Forman : How could you bring Fez to the Piggly Wiggly? There's a lot of footloose women in there. Do you know Joyce Ferguson? Michael Kelso : No. That's a lie. Kitty Forman : What? Michael Kelso : [nervously] What? Kitty Forman : What? Michael Kelso : [nervously] What? [On the Beer] Mountie: No you are well within the legal limit on that you are over the legal limit of foreign kids you can smuggle out of this country. Michael Kelso : Well what is the legal limit on that? Mountie: The limit is ZERO you hoser. Michael Kelso : Guys guess how many countries I've wizzed in? TWO. Steven Hyde : Would you shut up about that lame ass story? Michael Kelso : Well, it's the truth and I'll prove it. Let's go ask Fez. Steven Hyde : Fine. Michael Kelso : You drive, my van's in the shop. Steven Hyde : Fine. I need gas though. Michael Kelso : Fine. Can I borrow money for fries? Steven Hyde : No. Michael Kelso : Fine. Shotgun. Steven Hyde : There's only two of us you moron. Michael Kelso : Fine. Fez : I just wish that there was someplace in the world where prejudice didn't exist. Michael Kelso : Well, that's Canada... Yup, good ol' Canada. They don't make generalizations about people because they're too busy playin' hockey or gettin' drunk or puttin' maple syrup on their ham. Michael Kelso : I say do it with her. Eric : Kelso, your solution to everything is "Do it with her". Michael Kelso : Hey, it worked on my science teacher. C minus. [Laurie returns Kelso's shirt] Michael Kelso : (to Jackie) See, I borrowed Eric's shirt 'cause mine wasn't working right. And then my mom must have sewn my name in it. Jackie Burkhardt : Hmm, I don't know Michael. Michael Kelso : Jackie, if I were lyin' I'd come up with a lot better lie than that. Steven Hyde : Yeah, you'd think so. Michael Kelso : One time I asked Jackie what was wrong, she didn't shut up for like three straight days. Michael Kelso : Hey. Guess who made out with Pam Macy behind the Gym. Steven Hyde : Everybody. Eric : Keep it down, you guys. If my dad finds out we're going to Canada, for beer, he won't be happy. [Kelso runs up, shouting] Michael Kelso : All right. Canada. Wooooooo. Beer. [blows an air horn] [the guys do homework] Donna Pinciotti : If x equals seven, than y equals? Jackie Burkhardt : Two? Donna Pinciotti : No. Kelso? Michael Kelso : Uh, L? Donna Pinciotti : We're gonna graduate in two months, and there's a whole town out there waiting for us. We just have to, you know, grab the bull by the horns. Michael Kelso : Hey, I'm gonna tell you from experience, if you're gonna mess with a bull, you better have a backup plan. Jackie Burkhardt : So, what kind of career do you see yourself in? Michael Kelso : Well, I was considering becoming a doctor... Jackie Burkhardt : A doctor? Ooh, that's so mature. Michael Kelso : Or, a rodeo clown. Annette : If you expect me to go to the dance tonight you'll have to do a few things for me. Michael Kelso : For you or to you? Steven Hyde : Forman's first suspension... I'm so proud. Michael Kelso : Whoa, back up. Why'd he get suspended? Donna Pinciotti : Because he's stupid. Michael Kelso : [terrified] They can do that? Michael Kelso : See, I've enlightened you situation to that of Pavlov's dog. See, Pavlov was this science guy, and every time that Pavlov's dog would ring a bell, he would eat. Eric : Are you sure that it was the dog who rang the bell? Michael Kelso : Yeah, I mean, who else would it be? Eric : Pavlov? Michael Kelso : Well that wouldn't be a trick. I mean, what man can't ring a bell? But anyway, anytime that dog would ring that bell, he would eat and then Pavlov would drool. Eric : You just read that chapter two seconds ago. Michael Kelso : Do you even want my help? Eric : No. Michael Kelso : Well, your loss. Michael Kelso : Horror movies turn on chicks faster than porno. Steven Hyde : Really? Faster than that? Michael Kelso : Yeah. If only somebody would make a porno-horror movie. [the guys cheat at Bingo] Steven Hyde : Kelso man, you're willing to cheat? You're in the house of the Lord. You're coming along nicely. Michael Kelso : Yeah, I mean it's not that bad, because technically we're only in the basement of the Lord, and I'll bet he never comes down here. [Michael puts a cheese star over his eye] Michael Kelso : Look. I'm Paul Stanley from 'Kiss'. [Kitty's father has just passed in the emergency room] Kitty Forman : I don't know how to say this... Daddy's gone to a better place. Michael Kelso : Good, 'cause this hospital sucks. [Kelso gets an angry look from everyone] Michael Kelso : What? [Kelso realizes] Michael Kelso : Oh. (whispering) This hospital sucks. [Jackie just got a job] Michael Kelso : You got money? Cool. Let's go buy me that transformer. Jackie Burkhardt : No, Michael. Money doesn't grow on trees. Ohh... Money DOESN'T grow on trees... Michael Kelso : [rings the doorbell and Kitty opens the door] Hi, Mrs. Forman. I'm here to pick up Laurie. Kitty Forman : Laurie? You must mean Eric. Michael Kelso : Uhh, no. I mean Laurie... Your other kid. Kitty Forman : But... Why? Steven Hyde : You're dating Laurie? That's not different. You're going where every man has boldly gone before. Kitty Forman : Steven. It's not nice to be so... truthful. Michael Kelso : Laurie is my girlfriend now, and I love her. Donna Pinciotti : No you don't. Michael Kelso : I like her. Steven Hyde : No you don't. Michael Kelso : I think she is okay. And the line between love and okay is fine, but the line between doin' it and not doin' it is NOT fine. Michael Kelso : Look Jackie, here's the deal. You cheated on me. Jackie Burkhardt : You cheated on me all the time. Michael Kelso : Well, yeah... but you cheated out of hate, and I cheated out of joy. Michael Kelso : You know what's a funny word? Pickleweasel. Eric : What kind of moron leaves the keys in the ignition? Michael Kelso : When I put the keys in my pocket, it distracts from my natural bulge. [after finding out a girl he slept with is pregnant] Kelso : You ladies don't know what I'm going through. I mean, you can have all the sex you want and don't have to worry about getting anyone pregnant. [after Red insults Fez, Eric, and Kelso] Kelso : Hey, hold on a second. Am I the pretty boy moron? Red : Yes. Kelso : Cool, because that's the best one. Kelso : Okay, which job sounds better: wide receiver or spy? Eric : Well, Kelso, I don't understand why you just can't do both. Kelso : You're right, it's the perfect cover. [looking at possible girlfriends for Eric after he is voted "Most Eligible Viking"] Eric : Hey, look at her. Kelso : Yeah, I made out with her once. Eric : I don't want my tongue anywhere near where Kelso's tongue has been. Kelso : Oh... then you better stay away from your mom. [Eric is trying to figure out what to do about David hitting on Donna] Steven Hyde : You know, Forman, I'm a romantic. So I say you choke him 'til his eyes pop out! Kelso : Yeah. Hittin' people's cool. Steven Hyde : Go ahead and hit me. A free shot. Kelso : You gonna hit me back? Steven Hyde : No, man. That's why they call it a free shot. Kelso : Oh. OK. Get ready. Here it comes. It's coming. Get ready. Fez : We're ready. Do it, fool. Steven Hyde : Man you went to the free clinic? Kelso : No, but I saw your mom there. BURN. [Hyde hits him] Kelso : OW. That left a mark. Like your mom did. [Hyde hits him again] Kelso : Well maybe we should check the School Morgue. Steven Hyde : Kelso, the school doesn't HAVE a morgue. Kelso : So what do we pay all those taxes for? Steven Hyde : You know what kills me? You do better in school than I do. Kelso : I'm not afraid either. There are laws to protect a man and his van. Steven Hyde : For instance, the Man-Van Act of 1847. Michael Kelso : [Hyde says Rudolph is gay] Rudolph had a girlfriend. Her name was Clarice. She said he was cute, okay, if anyone was gay it was Herby. No straight guy has hair like that. Steven Hyde : Let's face it Forman. You're soft. Donna Pinciotti : How soft is he, Hyde? Steven Hyde : Softer than Liberace at the Playboy mansion. [brief pause] Kelso : Yeah. Because he plays the piano... wait... [Donna whispers in his ear] Kelso : [to Eric] OOOOH. BURN. Michael Kelso : No, I said, "Not it!" If playground rules are not in effect, this is anarchy. Michael Kelso : You guys! You guys! Great news! Rudolph, Santa Claus Is Coming To Town, The Little Drummer Boy - they're all on TV this week! [Kelso's complaining about how much he misses Jackie] Fez : What do you miss about her, Kelso? All she ever did was call you names. Heck, I can do that for you. You idiot. See? Kelso : Aw, thanks, Fez. [after Kelso suggests hitting a guy that's hitting on Donna] Eric : I dunno. If I hit this guy, Donna's just gonna be pissed. Kelso : No, man. Chicks dig that stuff! I mean, Leia, right, she acted like she was mad at Han. But I could tell she liked him. Steven Hyde : Kelso, man, what are you, an idiot? Leia likes Luke, I mean she kissed him on that bridge! Kelso : Uh! Just for luck! [Eric and Donna fed the rest of the gang laxative-laced brownies as revenge for a prank] Michael Kelso : That was a wicked burn. I mean, it had all the elements. You didn't see it coming... parts of it really hurt... Eric : Tell me again Kelso how is this car baby friendly Kelso : Because its tiny... like a baby Donna Pinciotti : You know what I love about Hyde? He's always beating up Kelso. Michael Kelso : Uh! That is false! Name one time. Donna Pinciotti : Gladly. Steven Hyde : [scene switches to the gang sitting around the Forman's kitchen table, eating] Mmmmm, I love mashed potatoes. Michael Kelso : Really? [spits some on Hyde's plate, which makes Hyde shove Kelso down and start punching him] Michael Kelso : Augh! My eye! Steven Hyde : [scene switches to the gang playing basketball in the driveway] That's a foul. Michael Kelso : You know what's foul? Your playing. [throws the basketball at Hyde, who tackles Kelso and starts punching him] Michael Kelso : Owwww! That's my eye! Steven Hyde : [scene switches to the gang sitting in the basement watching TV, when Kelso comes in and changes the channel] Change it back, I was watching that. Michael Kelso : No. Steven Hyde : CHANGE IT BACK. Michael Kelso : NOOOOOOOOOOOOO. [Hyde knocks Kelso over the couch and begins punching] Michael Kelso : Waaah-haa-haaa! My eye! Michael Kelso : [scene switches back to where it started] Seriously, dude. You keep hurting my eye. |
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