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 Diedrich Bader QuotationMovie Title: The Zeta Project (2001) as Zeta: Zeta : Hello, I'm looking for Raymond DeFlores, also known as the "Merchant of Death". Zeta : I must admit, there are many thing about the heart that puzzle me. Like what does it mean when people say, 'broken hearts,' 'heart throb', and 'heartache'? Ro : It means they've been listening to too much country and western. Movie Title: The Beverly Hillbillies (1993) as Jethro: Elly May : I reckon why they got two sets of steps. Jethro : That's easy! One's for going up, and the other's for going down! Elly May : Oh. Aunt Pearl : You folks oughta move yourselves to a place like... Beverly Hills, Californy. Jethro : They got swimming pools and movie stars! [On the subject of California] Elly May : I hear they got smog. Granny : What's a smog? [Pause] Jethro : I reckon it's a small hog. [Trying to figure out the game of Bowling] Jethro : I think I got this game figured out. You throw the ball down this gully. Then you throw yourself down the other gully, and try to hit them snake-hittin' clubs before the ball does. Milburne Drysdale : I'm president of a bank. Jethro : Wow, can I be president of a bank too? Jed Clampett : Jethro that was a mighty disrespectful thing to say to Mr. Drysdale. Ask if you can be vice president. [Jethro and Cousin Pearl are driving in the truck to Jed's place] Cousin Pearl : Jethro, did you take care of those old brakes like I told you to? Jethro : Yes, Ma, I pulled them off the truck yesterday. The new brakes should be coming in the mail next week. [The Clampetts were flipped off by an irate motorist] Jed Clampett : Now why you suppose he's doing that? Jethro : I reckon that's how people wave hello in Beverly Hills. Jethro : [discussing his theory on bowling] I think I've finally figured this game out, Spanky. You take this here ball, put it in this here gully, and let it roll down yonder. Then you hurl yourself down this here slippery gully and see how many of them there snake bashing clubs you can knock down before the ball gets there. Movie Title: Gargoyles (1994) as Jason Conover: Jason Conover : I've heard a lot of wild things about New York, like alligators in the sewers. Elisa Maza : I could tell you stories. Jason Conover : I'm all ears. Movie Title: Buzz Lightyear of Star Command: The Adventure Begins (2000) as Warp Darkmatter/Agent Z: Buzz Lightyear : This diabolical plot can only be the work of the sworn enemy of the Galactic Alliance - Evil Emperor Zurg! Warp Darkmatter/Agent Z : [as Warp Darkmatter] What plot? You think Zurg is behind every kitten stuck up a tree! Buzz Lightyear : The fiend! Why can't he leave kitty-cats out of his nefarious schemes? Movie Title: The Country Bears (2002) as Officer Cheets: [coming out of the car wash, Officer Hamm's hair looks like doo-wop style hair] Officer Cheets : Your hair looks ridiculous. [Officer Cheets turns to find that his hair is longer] Officer Hamm : My hair? Movie Title: Hercules (1998) as Adonis: [At the retirement home, Adonis has one of the boarders cleaning his feet] Hercules : Adonis, aren't you supposed to be helping him? Adonis : Oh, but I am. I'm giving him gainful employment. Does wonders for the self esteem. Hercules : His, or yours? Adonis : It's a win-win. Movie Title: Baby Blues (2000) as Kenny: Kenny : Darryl MacPherson went to a strip joint? I'm gonna have to stop calling you a bottle-warming, baby-toting wuss. Darryl : You never call me that. Kenny : Not to your face. Darryl : My wife is obsessed with our babysitter's love life! Kenny : Obsessed enough to take pictures? Kenny : Women need women friends. Take my wife. We used to fight all the time. Then she started hanging out with this nice gal down the street. Got her into weight lifting, ladies' professional golf, home repair, now I get my Saturday nights to myself while they lock the door and play board games in the basement. Yep, we got a perfect marriage all thanks to her special friend. Movie Title: Kim Possible (2002) as Junior: Junior : I'm sorry, but this is a rather exclusive club, and you're not on the guest list. Senor Senior, Sr. : Ah, the clever threat. Now, follow it up with a violent show of anger. Junior : But I'm mildly put off at best. Movie Title: Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back (2001) as Miramax Studios Security Guard Gordon / Miramax Security Guard Gordon: [James Van Der Beek and Jason Biggs are being arrested by mistake] James Van Der Beek : You've got the wrong guys! Doesn't anyone watch the WB? Jason Biggs : I'm a teen idol, dammit! Don't you recognize me? Look at me. I'm the pie fucker. Miramax Studios Security Guard Gordon : [to his buddies] Yeah, well. In prison, he'll be the pie. Jay : Hey, I'll make you a deal - this guy [points to Silent Bob] Jay : will suck your dick off if you let us go. Miramax Studios Security Guard Gordon : Contrary to what you believe, not everyone in Hollywood is a homosexual. Jay : How about this deal- he'll suck my dick while you watch and jerk off. Miramax Studios Security Guard Gordon : Alright. [takes Jay and Silent Bob behind a wall, out of sight] Miramax Studios Security Guard Gordon : Make it fast and sexy. Jay : [to Silent Bob] It's either this or jail. And you know what they do to you in jail. Miramax Studios Security Guard Gordon : I was a guard. Alright, and after it's all over, you say "Ooh, what a lovely tea party". Miramax Security Guard Gordon : Sorry to interrupt fellas, but we have a 10-07 on our hands. Matt Damon : [exasperated] Oh Jesus. Again Ben? Ben Affleck : Nah! That's bullshit because I wasn't with a hooker today! Ah ha! Miramax Security Guard Gordon : There they are! Jay : Affleck, you the bomb in "Phantoms", yo! Movie Title: Office Space (1999) as Lawrence: Peter Gibbons : [about the plan to steal from Initech] Before we go any further, all right, we have to swear to God, Allah, that nobody knows about this, all right? No family members, no girlfriends, nobody. Samir : Of course. Michael Bolton : Agreed Lawrence : [from the next apartment through wall] Don't worry man. I won't tell anyone about this either. Michael Bolton : Who the fuck is that? Peter Gibbons : Uh, don't worry about him. He's cool. Lawrence : [shouting through the wall from his apartment] Hey Peter man, check out channel 9, it's the breast exams. Peter Gibbons : What would you do if you had a million dollars? Lawrence : I'll tell you what I'd do, man, two chicks at the same time, man. Peter Gibbons : That's it? If you had a million dollars, you'd do two chicks at the same time? Lawrence : Damn straight. I always wanted to do that, man. And I think if I had a million dollars I could hook that up, cause chicks dig a dude with money. Peter Gibbons : Well, not all chicks. Lawrence : Well the kind of chicks that'd double up on a dude like me do. Peter Gibbons : Good point. Lawrence : Well what about you now? what would you do? Peter Gibbons : Besides two chicks at the same time? Lawrence : Well yeah. Peter Gibbons : Nothing. Lawrence : Nothing, huh? Peter Gibbons : I'd relax, I would sit on my ass all day, I would do nothing. Lawrence : Well you don't need a million dollars to do nothing, man. Just take a look at my cousin, he's broke, don't do shit. Peter Gibbons : Lawrence, you awake? Lawrence : Yeah. Peter Gibbons : You wanna come over? Lawrence : No, thanks, man. I don't want you fucking up my life, too. Lawrence : [as Peter leaves to confess to Lumbergh about stealing money, knowing he may go to prison] "Peter... Watch out for your cornhole..." Peter Gibbons : Let me ask you something. When you come in on Monday, and you're not feelin' real well, does anyone ever say to you, 'Sounds like someone has a case of the Mondays'? Lawrence : No. No, man. Shit, no, man. I believe you'd get your ass kicked sayin' something like that, man. Lawrence : Doesn't that chick look like Anne? Peter Gibbons : Yeah, a little bit... Lawrence : Hey, she hasn't been over here in a while. You two still goin' out? Peter Gibbons : Yeah. I guess... I don't know. Sometimes I get thie feeling like she's cheating on me. Lawrence : Yeah, I get that feeling too, man. Peter Gibbons : What do you mean by that? Lawrence : I don't know, man. I just get that feeling lookin' at her like she's the type of chick that just... Movie Title: The Drew Carey Show (1995) as Oswald Lee Harvey: Lewis Kiniski : Man... what do you get a guy who's just lost the girl of his dreams and is having a gay green-card wedding just to get his crappy job back? Oswald Lee Harvey : Champagne flutes? Lewis Kiniski : You read my mind. Lewis Kiniski : Mimi, if you lose the bet, you'll have to name your baby after us. Lewis Oswald. Oswald Lee Harvey : No, no. Oswald Lewis. Lewis Kiniski : [after much careful thought] Loswald! Lewis Kiniski : Man, it must be weird thinking you're going to lunch with someone and you end up going to their funeral. Oswald Lee Harvey : Yeah. The closest things I've ever had to that is when my pet possum died. One minute he was fine, the next, on his back, dead. So I buried him in the backyard. But the weird thing is, the next morning, the grave was empty, and the ghost had taken a dump in my shoe. Lewis Kiniski : Drew, we found the Bed and Breakfast where the lesbians are staying! Oswald Lee Harvey : Yeah, we rented the room next door and the walls are paper thin! Drew Carey : I want to be a scoutmaster. [Pause] Drew Carey : Tomorrow. Kate O'Brien : Oswald, how do I look? Oswald Lee Harvey : On the Oswald Harvey scale... I'd give you a six. Kate O'Brien : Oswald! Drew Carey : Don't worry Kate, it only goes up to six. Kate O'Brien : Oh. Oswald Lee Harvey : It starts at three. Drew Carey : I think I should help people. Oswald Lee Harvey : That's good. My uncle was a general at the Salvation Army, until he went crazy and led a surprise attack on the Good Will Store. There was blood and platform shoes everywhere... Lewis Kiniski : It's a great day. Drew's got a new job, Kate got a promotion, and the manager at Drug-Co is paying me off so I won't talk about their new experiment. Oswald Lee Harvey : Really? Lewis Kiniski : Yeah, I'm supposed to meet him in the woods at midnight. Oswald Lee Harvey : How much is he going to pay you? Lewis Kiniski : I don't know, but I think it's going to be a lot. He told me to bring a duffel bag I could fit in. [Mimi kicked Steve out] Drew Carey : So, where are you staying? Steve Carey : A hotel. Drew Carey : You shouldn't be staying in no hotel, you should be staying here. Steve Carey : Thanks, but if I stay here, Mimi's never gonna let you see your nephew. Oswald Lee Harvey : Why don't you stay with me and Lewis? Steve Carey : Really? Lewis Kiniski : Sure. You clean, you cook, you're like a big, bald Mary Poppins. [Lewis ate a human liver that Oswald brought home for his med class] Lewis Kiniski : I'm a freak! I need some time alone! [Opens the door, at the same time that Milan comes in. Lewis makes sucking noises, creeping her out and leaves] Oswald Lee Harvey : I hope he's going to be all right. [Oswald stands up, bangs his leg on the table, and limps outside] Oswald Lee Harvey : Well, I'm off to the morgue to get another human liver. Milan : Hi, Drew... I see why you drink... Woman: Oswald? Oswald Harvey? Oswald Lee Harvey : That's what it says on my underwear. Woman: Hi, you probably don't remember me. I used to sit next to you, in homeroom class. Oswald Lee Harvey : Oh, yeah... How could I not remember you. By the way, you remember that girl that had the same first name is you. What was her name? Kate O'Brien : I don't believe this. You're taking advice from Oswald? Oswald who once swallowed a sponge to soak up all the beer, so he won't get drunk? Oswald Lee Harvey : Did I get drunk? Kate O'Brien : We had to take you to the hospital! You were clinically dead for two minutes! Oswald Lee Harvey : But, did I get drunk? Drew Carey : Hey, what were you doing upstairs? Oswald Lee Harvey : I was using your blow dryer to defrost my crotch. Drew Carey : Well, you just bought yourself a blow dryer mister! Drew Carey : I have a question to ask. Am I healthy? Oswald Lee Harvey : Well, you sound healthy. I can hear you breathing from here. Oswald Lee Harvey : I have an idea. Well at least hear me out first! Drew Carey : Uhh, Oswald nobody objected. Oswald Lee Harvey : Oh, OK. Anyway, if you're afraid to take a physical, you could get Lewis to take it for you. [pause] Oswald Lee Harvey : Why are you looking at me approvingly? Drew Carey : Because I'm proud of you. We can now add the word "savant" to your title. Oswald Lee Harvey : Don't worry Kate, I don't mind that you're dating Drew. As long as he doesn't see that tape. Kate O'Brien : Oh, my god! You still have that tape? Oswald Lee Harvey : Yeah, the one we made at the karaoke bar. Kate O'Brien : Oh, I thought you meant THAT tape... Oswald Lee Harvey : Ohh, that tape. No... I accidentally sold that at a yard sale. Lewis Kiniski : If we win, you have to name your son after us. Steve Carey : And, if I win, you two have to legally change your names to 'Boob 1' and 'Boob 2' Lewis Kiniski : That's ridiculous. Oswald Lee Harvey : Dibs on 'Boob 1'! Lewis Kiniski : Damn! Lewis Kiniski : Ok, Drew is really going to mope about this. So, we need beer, junk food, and pity sex. Kate O'Brien : I'll get the food. Lewis Kiniski : I'll get the beer. [pause] Oswald Lee Harvey : Every damn time! Oswald Lee Harvey : All right. Drew told us not to let speedy into the house. Lewis Kiniski : Where is he? Oswald Lee Harvey : Probably in the brewery. Lewis Kiniski : [opens the door] Ok, when he comes out, we pretend to let him into the house, and then we catch him. [Speedy comes out of the brewery, with a six-pack] Oswald Lee Harvey : Hey, he brought us a six pack! But, why did he put it all the way over there? Lewis Kiniski : 'Cause he's a dumb animal. Come on, let's go get it. [Oswald and Lewis go to get the beer, while Speedy runs into the house, and pushes the door closed, locking Oswald and Lewis out] Lewis Kiniski : We must never speak of this again... Drew Carey : [hangs up phone] Well, Wendy and I are having lunch tomorrow. Kate O'Brien : That's fine. I'd like to see Wendy again. Drew Carey : Well, actually... she just wants to have lunch me. Oswald Lee Harvey : [to Lewis] This subject will never change. I bet you 100$, this subject will never change. Drew Carey : Why are you guys wearing suits? Lewis Kiniski : Well, Wendy's coming back. Looks like ripe picking for the love buzzards! Oswald Lee Harvey : Picking at the bones of her self respect! Drew Carey : I don't know how to break this to you guys, but, I don't think she was ever crazy about you two. Lewis Kiniski : Ahh, but you don't know how forgettable we are. I went out on a date with this one woman. She told me about her worst date ever. Little did she know- that date was me. Oswald Lee Harvey : [flirting] I'm Oswald. And, as of last week, I am work-free. Oswald Lee Harvey : I don't know about you guys, but I could sure use more beer. Drew Carey : All right. Oswald Lee Harvey : One case, coming right up. Drew Carey : Why do you need a whole case? Oswald Lee Harvey : I don't know. Why do you have to shed light on my addiction? Drew Carey : Oh, my god. I realized why I screwed up my life. I always wanted attention. I'm a pity whore! Oswald Lee Harvey : Aww, Drew... Drew Carey : No! Do not pity the whore! [Oswald just found out he has a son] Oswald Lee Harvey : His name is Robert Gates! I wish it was Bill though... Drew Carey : How come? Oswald Lee Harvey : Well, imagine all the fun you could have. 'Hey, Bill Gates, take out the trash! Hey, Bill Gates, mow the lawn! What're ya, Bill Gates, an idiot?' Oswald Lee Harvey : Wow, your team really sucks... Is that a guy with a hunchback? Drew Carey : That's a woman. Lewis Kiniski : Give me a night and a bottle of wine, I'll straighten out that spine. [At the Warsaw] Kate O'Brien : I can't believe Drew did this to me! I'm going to kill him! [storms out] Oswald Lee Harvey : Oh, no. We should probably warn Drew. Lewis Kiniski : Yeah, we should do a lot of things. [both continue drinking] [Drew, Kate, Oswald and Lewis come to a black church] Drew Carey : Hi, Mr. Nichols. I brought some friends, I hope you don't mind. Mr. Nichols: No problem. Jesus even befriended the whores and the feeble minded. [Oswald, Lewis and Kate stare at him] Mr. Nichols: Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean you people. Oswald Lee Harvey : Oh, we're not offended. We're actually amazed at your insight. [Drew, Kate, Oswald and Lewis come to a black church] Drew Carey : Hi, Mr. Nichols. I brought some friends, I hope you don't mind. Mr. Nichols: No problem. Jesus even befriended the whores and the feeble minded. [Oswald, Lewis and Kate stare at him] Mr. Nichols: Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean you people. Oswald Lee Harvey : Oh, we're not offended. We're actually amazed at your insight. Oswald Lee Harvey : Hey, I'm not going anywhere until I get my money. Drew Carey : Get comfortable, pal. You're the worst mobile DJ I ever hired. Oswald Lee Harvey : I thought people liked my voice. [disguises voice] Oswald Lee Harvey : This one's for all the lovers in the crowd. Drew Carey : How about one for all the snipers in the crowd? Oswald Lee Harvey : Every time my dad and I got into an argument we made up over a nice cold beer... I think that's one of the reasons the county took me away from him. [Kate, Lewis, and Oswald recover Drew's old refrigerator from the dump] Drew Carey : Oh my god, it's Frankenfridge. Kate O'Brien : It's filled with... baking soda. Because it really smells. Lewis Kiniski : Are you crying, Drew? Drew Carey : It's that smell. It's killing me. Oswald Lee Harvey : Hope you like it, Drew. Drew Carey : Wow, I cant believe you guys did such a nice thing for me. And yet you sit here, while this refrigerator is attracting flies in the middle of winter! Drew Carey : Wow, what a great diet. You lose weight by drinking beer. Oswald Lee Harvey : Hey, I'm on that diet, too. You get drunk, you pass out. You don't eat for two days. [Steve is wearing a dress] Oswald Lee Harvey : Why are you wearing a dress? Steve Carey : Why do you take long walks in the park? Oswald Lee Harvey : Because it feels good. Steve Carey : You should try women's underwear. [Drew and Lewis walk into Mimi's apartment] Drew Carey : And... wow, my eyes wont focus. Oswald Lee Harvey : Wow, you go into a garage sale and you wonder who buys all that crap? Lewis Kiniski : Gee, Drew, I'm really sorry about your troubles with your hot, young and rich boss. I'd send you a sympathy card if I wasn't so busy mopping elephant afterbirth at Drug-Co. Oswald Lee Harvey : Eww! Lewis Kiniski : That's typical. You want your shampoo and conditioner in one but you don't want to know how it's done. Drew Carey : [to Lewis] Come on, you were a genius before you met Oswald. Oswald Lee Harvey : Like I told you, buddy, smarty had a party and nobody came. Drew Carey : Ask me about my day, I dare you. Lewis Kiniski : Drew, how was your day? Drew Carey : You're not sincere enough. [points to Oswald] Drew Carey : YOU! Ask me about my day. Oswald Lee Harvey : Drew, how was your day? Drew Carey : Lousy. It was like the rubber glove part of a physical exam. [during an "oldest unpaid bill contest"] Oswald Lee Harvey : I have an unpaid student loan bill. Well, when you give a loan to a community college student with a 2.0 GPA, you takes your chances. Lewis Kiniski : I have an unpaid bill... from my own birth. What are they going to do, put me back? Kate O'Brien : We should go to Lewis and Oswald's place. Oswald Lee Harvey : Our place? Even we don't like going to our place. [after Drew asks what he should do to get his girlfriend back] Lewis Kiniski : I say we kill what she loves must in life that way you go up a notch. Drew Carey : What did you come up with Oswald? Oswald Lee Harvey : Beard of bee's Oswald Lee Harvey : I don't see what the big deal is. You're born naked and you die naked. The Councilman : You don't die naked. Oswald Lee Harvey : You do if you plan it right. Movie Title: Napoleon Dynamite (2004) as Rex: Rex : At Rex Kwan Do, we use the buddy system. No more flying solo. You need somebody watching your back at all times. Second off, you're gonna learn to discipline your image. You think I got where I am today because I dressed like Peter Pan over here? [points to Napoleon] Rex : Take a look at what I'm wearing, people. You think anybody wants a roundhouse kick to the face while I'm wearing these bad boys? Forget about it. Last off, my students will learn about self respect. You think anybody thinks I'm a failure because I go home to Starla at night? Forget about it! Rex : I'm Rex, founder of the Rex Kwan Do self-defense system! After one week with me in my dojo, you'll be prepared to defend yourself with the strength of a grizzly, the reflexes of a puma, and the wisdom of a man. |
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