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 Gary Cole QuotationMovie Title: Midnight Caller (1988) as Jack Killian: [at the end of every episode] Jack Killian : This is Jack Killian, the Nighthawk, on KJCM, 98.3, and good night America... wherever you are. Movie Title: The Brady Bunch Movie (1995) as Mike Brady: Mike Brady : Put on your Sunday best kids; we're going to Sears! Mike Brady : As a wise man once said, "Wherever you go, there you are." Mike Brady : Our house is more important than money. This neighborhood is more important than money. Tell me. How many times have we borrowed each other's power tools or patched up each other's kids? We know so much about each other. I know that every January, Mr. Yeager is going to have that big Super Bowl party at his house. We know that every spring, Mrs. Simmons is going to have the prettiest daffodils on the block. We know that at 10:15 every Saturday morning, Mrs. Topping likes to walk through her living room naked. Call me old-fashioned, but these things are important, and they're not for sale. This is our neighborhood, and we're staying. Mike Brady : Cindy, you know by tattling on your friends, you're really just tattling on yourself. By tattling on your friends, you're just telling them that you're a tattletale. Now is that the tale you want to tell? Mike Brady : Alone, we can only move buckets. But if we work together, we can drain rivers. Mike Brady : I couldn't have put it better myself, Jan. But I'll try anyway. Movie Title: American Gothic (1995) as Sheriff Lucas Buck: Deputy Ben Healy : I'm sick of keepin' secrets, Lucas. Sheriff Lucas Buck : Then leave that one alone, Ben. 'Cause the next time you go back there, you'll be stinkin' up the place yourself. Caleb Temple : I ain't your son! Sheriff Lucas Buck : Beg to differ. Caleb Temple : I don't like trains, and I hate apple pie! Sheriff Lucas Buck : Well... fine. Caleb Temple : I hate you! Sheriff Lucas Buck : And someday, we'll make that hate work for you. Caleb Temple : I hate you! Sheriff Lucas Buck : For now. Caleb Temple : This ain't right. Sheriff Lucas Buck : Sure it is, boy. You're doing fine. Caleb Temple : No, sir. Deputy Ben Healy : Well, it's a grey gun. A grey gun. Sheriff Lucas Buck : A ray gun? Deputy Ben Healy : A grey gun, Lucas! It's a grey gun! Deputy Ben Healy : What's going on here? Sheriff Lucas Buck : Oh, all kinds of fun. Matter of fact... things are just getting good. Deputy Ben Healy : Why do you think they call them "southern belles"? Sheriff Lucas Buck : That's French, Ben. It means "beautiful." Deputy Ben Healy : Oh yeah, I knew that. Four-alarm "belles." Brian: You're late. Sheriff Lucas Buck : And up until now, you were still on my good side. Caleb Temple : Are you spying on me? Sheriff Lucas Buck : Heck, no! That ain't my style. [After hitting a guy with a shovel.] Sheriff Lucas Buck : These things have a thousand uses! Sheriff Lucas Buck : A good loser is still a loser. Sheriff Lucas Buck : Conscience is just the fear of getting caught. Sheriff Lucas Buck : Too late for salvation my friend! Drey: You always disturb evidence with such impunity, Buck? Sheriff Lucas Buck : You always go around barkin' up the wrong tree, Drey? Father Tilden: How did you get in here? Sheriff Lucas Buck : Faith. Gail Emory : Don't you give a damn about anything? Sheriff Lucas Buck : Yeah. But not journalism. Sheriff Lucas Buck : Cat got your pen? Sheriff Lucas Buck : I could never imagine myself in what you call "love." Sheriff Lucas Buck : I don't actually give; I deal. Are you ready to make a deal? Sheriff Lucas Buck : I tell you what, I think that girl's pulling your string. Caleb Temple : Well, I don't know what that means. Sheriff Lucas Buck : You will. Sheriff Lucas Buck : I'm afraid you're under arrest. Deputy Ben Healy : On what charge? Sheriff Lucas Buck : Stealing my heart. Sheriff Lucas Buck : I've seen your future, Mel, and, uh... [laughs] Sheriff Lucas Buck : it's tragic. Sheriff Lucas Buck : Just remember, a good loser's still a loser. Sheriff Lucas Buck : Leave the light on for me, will you, darlin'? I may wanna... tempt fate. Sheriff Lucas Buck : Looks like Marlene did you right. She comes from a long line of backwoods nymphos. Sheriff Lucas Buck : Maybe some monkey's running around Trinity doing his thing with bored housewives. Sheriff Lucas Buck : Some folks would lay all of Trinity's troubles at my doorstep, but hell, you might as well blame a trailer park for attracting lightning bolts and tornadoes. Sheriff Lucas Buck : The profession of journalism has about as much integrity as the world's oldest profession; maybe less. At least whores don't kid themselves about their motives. Sheriff Lucas Buck : Well, well. Feels like you might be coming down with a fever. Hmm... maybe we should slide in the thermometer and take a readin'. Sheriff Lucas Buck : You know me better than that, love. I don't "do" anything. Things just happen. Sheriff Lucas Buck : You know what a conscience is? Caleb Temple : It's like, uh... when you do something wrong and it bothers you? Sheriff Lucas Buck : Well. Not me. Dr. Matt Crower : You don't know anything about my demons. Sheriff Lucas Buck : 'Course I do. Dr. Matt Crower : Go to hell. Sheriff Lucas Buck : Been there. And you know what? It ain't half bad. Sheriff Lucas Buck : You think you're the only woman I have to service tonight? Sheriff Lucas Buck : You look like you got a jock fulla chiggers. Sheriff Lucas Buck : What about the almighty pursuit of the truth? You kinda chucked that awful fast. Sheriff Lucas Buck : What I say is, be careful what you see in a man's eyes. Might not be the truth. Sheriff Lucas Buck : Well. If it ain't the Hardy Boys. Sheriff Lucas Buck : Well, won't that be cozy. Just the two of you. In intensive care. Sheriff Lucas Buck : The past isn't dead. Hell, it's not even the past. Sheriff Lucas Buck : Son, nobody makes anybody do anything they don't wanna do in the first place. Sheriff Lucas Buck : Selena, honey... this was not safe sex. Sheriff Lucas Buck : See? There's that word again. "Choice." Sheriff Lucas Buck : Only two roads in this world. And if you're listening to anyone but me, you're on the wrong one. Sheriff Lucas Buck : Is this what scared feels like? Selena Coombs : I wouldn't know. Sheriff Lucas Buck : He may be cured, but his personality hasn't improved any. Sheriff Lucas Buck : Do you know what a mentor is? Caleb Temple : Half-man, half-beast? Sheriff Lucas Buck : That's a minotaur. Gail Emory : What are you doing? Sheriff Lucas Buck : Prayin'. ["Preyin'"?] Judge: I didn't know you were a gardener, Lucas. Sheriff Lucas Buck : I've been known to pull a few weeds. Sheriff Lucas Buck : WAKE UP! WAKE UP! WAKE UP, TRINITY! I always wanted to do that. Gail Emory : What could I possibly be hiding from you? Sheriff Lucas Buck : Your true feelings, perhaps? Caleb Temple : What're you doing here? Sheriff Lucas Buck : Lookin' after my own. [Last lines of the series.] Caleb Temple : Well, what will I do without her? Sheriff Lucas Buck : Oh... I think we'll get by. Sheriff Lucas Buck : All guilt is relative. Loyalty counts. And never let your conscience be your guide. Movie Title: A Simple Plan (1998) as Neil Baxter: Neil Baxter : Well, it looks like we're both going to have a lot of explaining to do. Hank Mitchell : Just me. [Shoots him] Movie Title: Crusade (1999) as Gideon / Captain Matthew Gideon: Galen : Who are you? Gideon : Captain Matthew Gideon. Galen : What do you want? Gideon : To find a cure for the Drakh plague before it wipes out all life on Earth. Galen : Where are you going? Gideon : Anywhere I have to. Galen : Who do you serve, and who do you trust? [silence] Galen : Who do you serve, and who do you trust? Gideon : I don't know. Galen : Then I will go with you. Gideon : Why me? There are others just as qualified. Senator McQuate : During your time captaining an Explorer-class vessel you've come across more new alien lifeforms than anyone else in the Fleet. There are half a dozen captains riding Explorer ships; the rest are either too old or too cautious. You're a dangerous man when you want to be, Captain, and right now we need a dangerous man. Gideon : Just so we're clear: once we go, this is my command. I'll do whatever's necessary. If that means turning the entire galaxy upside down and shaking its pockets to see what falls out, that's what I'll do. I'm not subtle, I'm not pretty, and I'll piss off a helluva lot of people along the way, but I'll get the job done. [Reminiscing about his dead girlfriend] Galen : Every technomage knows the fourteen words to make someone fall in love with you forever. She only needed one. Captain Matthew Gideon : What word? Galen : "Hello." Gideon : I thought you said you don't hold a grudge. Galen : "I don't. I have no surviving enemies... at all. Captain Lochley: Is there anything you can tell me? Gideon : Never eat anything bigger than your head. Never shoot pool at a place called Pap's. Never eat food at a place called Mom's. The mission is classified, Captain. Elizabeth Lochley : Do you know what you are? Gideon : Ruggedly handsome? Elizabeth Lochley : A control freak! Gideon : Can't I be both? Movie Title: One Hour Photo (2002) as Bill Owens: Bill Owens : Sy, there's a 1000 other places where you can do your photos. There's no reason to come all the way down other than to fuck with me. Sy Parrish : There's a very good reason. I calibrated that machine personally. It's the best mini-lab in the state. Bill Owens : Look, Sy, I got a family. I'm not losing my job over this. I'm letting you go. Sy Parrish : No. Ohhh... Bill Owens : These log discrepancies would be enough, but you've been spacing out on the job, taking 90-minute lunch breaks, creating scenes in front of the customers... giving away free merchandise. Sy Parrish : What? Bill Owens : Free disposable cameras to customers on their birthday? That must have been your bright idea. Sure as shit isn't company policy. Sy Parrish : You can't do this. Bill Owens : It's done, Sy. I talked to Sims at district. Now you finish out the week and clear out your locker. And if you do something like fuck up today's prints ... Sy Parrish : I haven't fucked up a customer's prints in 11 years! Bill Owens : If you haven't noticed, this isn't Neiman Marcus. People just wanna come in here with their kids, have a good time, and save a few pennies on paper towels and socks. If they wanted to see yelling and screaming, they'd stay at home. Movie Title: Kim Possible (2002) as Dr. Possible: Dr. Possible : He never forgave us for that, and in a way, I guess we never forgave ourselves. Kim : For a little giggle fit? Dr. Possible : Oh no, we laughed for days. Long and loud. With youthful abandon! Kim : Oh. That's bad. Dr. Possible : Remember: Candy is dandy, but fruit helps you poop. Dr. Possible : Morning, honey. How'd Cambodia go? Kim : Mixed. The good part, I rescued a priceless icon from a ferociously snakey, spiky pit. Less good, a ninja stole it. Dr. Possible : Isn't that just like those darn ninjas? Movie Title: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law (2001) as Harvey Birdman: Harvey Birdman : Debbie, we're going to need some law books. With pictures this time. Harvey Birdman : Hmm. It says here that if a person's not married by the time he's 35, he's got a better chance of being robbed at gunpoint by a desperate and somewhat bloated Christian Slater. Harvey Birdman : Mr. Boo Boo, would you consider yourself a revolutionary? Boo Boo Bear : Well, no. But I do believe corporations rob us of our dignity and independence, and that these systems must be ripped down, burnt down, or leveled by any force necessary. Harvey Birdman : I'd like to call Yogi Bear to the stand. Harvey Birdman : Uh, look, I knew this might be difficult, so I stopped off at the liquor store and got a couple of magazines that I think will explain everything. Phil : Birdman, this is Dvd, our new efficiency expert. Harvey Birdman : Interesting name. Norweg...? Dvd : [briskly interrupting] Was "David". I eliminated the vowels to save time. Phil : Brllnt! Harvey Birdman : [upon learning that he's George Jetson's great-great-great-great-great-grandfather] Yes! I finally get to have sex! WITH A WOMAN! George Jetson : No, there are other ways. Movie Title: The Gift (2000) as David: David : Someone might come in here Jessica : Then you better fuck me fast. Donnie : I asked her that myself one time. She said I was the only man in town that knew how to fuck. David : You're disgusting. Movie Title: Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story (2004) as Cotton McKnight: Cotton McKnight : And the Average Joe's beat the Purple Cobras in a *shocking* upset. Pepper Brooks : I feel *shocked*. Cotton McKnight : It looks as if the Average Joe's do not have enough players to compete, they will have to forfeit this game. Pepper Brooks : This is a bold strategy Cotton, lets see if it pays off for them. Cotton McKnight : In my 23 years of broadcasting I have never seen anything like this. It seems as if Peter La Fleur has blindfolded himself! Pepper Brooks : Yeah, he isn't going be able to see very well, Cotton. [after sudden death is announced] Pepper Brooks : Pepper needs new shorts, Cotton! Cotton McKnight : Right you are, Pep. Cotton McKnight : It looks like it's two on one. This is a ménage à trois of pain. Pepper Brooks : Usually you have to pay double for that, Cotton. Cotton McKnight : It's time to separate the weak from the chafed, the men from the boys, the awkwardly feminine from the possibly Canadian. Cotton McKnight : It looks like this Cinderella story has come to an end. The clock has struck midnight and this magical carriage has turned back into a pumpkin. Pepper Brooks : I sure do like pumpkins Cotton. Cotton McKnight : In all my 32 years of broadcasting experience I have never seen anything like this. It appears that Peter LaFleur has blindfolded himself! Pepper Brooks : Yeah, he won't be able to see anything like that Cotton. Cotton McKnight : It looks like the Average Joe's are having to forfeit because they don't have enough players. Pepper Brooks : Interesting strategy, Cot. Let's see how that works out for them. Cotton McKnight : We haven't seen a double fault since the Helsinki Affair of 1919, and I think we all remember how THAT turned out! Cotton McKnight : This is an event more exciting than the World Cup, the World Series, and World War II combined. Movie Title: Office Space (1999) as Bill Lumbergh: Bob Slydell : Milton Waddams. Dom Portwood : Who's he? Bob Porter : You know, squirrely looking guy, mumbles a lot. Dom Portwood : Oh, yeah. Bob Slydell : Yeah, we can't actually find a record of him being a current employee here. Bob Porter : I looked into it more deeply and I found that apparently what happened is that he was laid off five years ago and no one ever told him, but through some kind of glitch in the payroll department, he still gets a paycheck. Bob Slydell : So we just went a ahead and fixed the glitch. Bill Lumbergh : Great. Dom Portwood : So um, Milton has been let go? Bob Slydell : Well just a second there, professor. We uh, we fixed the *glitch*. So he won't be receiving a paycheck anymore, so it will just work itself out naturally. Bob Porter : We always like to avoid confrontation, whenever possible. Problem solved from your end. Bill Lumbergh : Milt, we're gonna need to go ahead and move you downstairs into storage B. We have some new people coming in, and we need all the space we can get. So if you could go ahead and pack up your stuff and move it down there, that would be terrific, OK? Milton Waddams : Excuse me, I believe you have my stapler... Bill Lumbergh : Oh, and next Friday... is Hawaiian shirt day... so, you know, if you want to you can go ahead and wear a Hawaiian shirt and jeans. Bill Lumbergh : Ahh, I'm going to have to go ahead and ask you to come in on Sunday, too... [Peter is wearing shorts, sandals and a paisley shirt, with his feet up on his desk, munching chips and playing tetris on his computer] Bill Lumbergh : Hello Peter, what's happening? Listen, are you gonna have those TPS reports for us this afternoon? Peter Gibbons : No. Bill Lumbergh : Ah. Well then I suppose we should go ahead and have a little talk. Peter Gibbons : Not right now Lumbergh, I'm kinda busy. You know what, in fact I'm gonna have to ask you to just go ahead and come back later, I've got a meeting with the Bobs in a couple minutes. Bill Lumbergh : I wasn't aware of a meeting with them. Peter Gibbons : Yeah, they called me at home. |
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