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 Will Smith Quotation[On his first season of Movie Title: The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air] "I was trying so hard. I would memorize the entire script, then I'd be lipping everybody's lines while they were talking. When I watch those episodes, it's disgusting. My performances were horrible." On the change in his body that Ali's intense physical training required: "I'm human viagra. I'm Willagra. I'm a sex machine now. I'm raring to go every second of the day. My wife's loving it." "My biggest emotional defeat and the greatest emotional pain I've had as an actor was when 'Wild Wild West' opened up to $52 million. The movie wasn't good. And it hurt so bad to be the No. 1 movie, to open at $52 million and to know the movie wasn't good." "I want to stop at five." when asked by Jules Asner about having more children. "When I turned 28, everything clicked. I even got way better in bed." "It's a whole different thing being an actor. A rapper is about being completely true to yourself. Being an actor is about changing who you are. You make yourself a different person. You become a different person." "You're so much stronger when your partner is strong. I honestly believe there is no woman for me but Jada. Of all the women I've met - and there've been a few - no one can handle me the way Jada does. Once you feel someone locked in on you, it's no contest. As fine as other women can be, as tempting sexually, I'm not going anywhere. This is it. I can't imagine what anyone else could offer." "I love being black in America, and especially being black in Hollywood." "I really believe that a man and a woman together, raising a family, is the purest form of happiness we can experience." "If you're not willing to work hard, let someone else do it. I'd rather be with someone who does a horrible job, but gives 110% than with someone who does a good job and gives 60%." People laugh, but if I set my mind to it, within the next 15 years I would be president. Movie Title: Ali (2001) as Muhammad Ali: Sonji : Are you a virgin? Muhammad Ali : What do you mean "Am I a virgin"? [Fighting George Foreman] Muhammad Ali : Is that all you got? Muhammad Ali : Gonna get me some Champ Burgers. Muhammad Ali : Yeah, I know where Vietnam is; it's on TV. Southeast Asia? It's there, too? Muhammad Ali : Ain't no Vietcong ever called me nigger. Muhammad Ali : Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee His hands can't hit what his eyes can't see. Muhammad Ali : Damn Don you crazy. You must have studied the whole "D" section of the dictionary. Muhammad Ali : I ain't draft dodging. I ain't burning no flag. I ain't running to Canada. I'm staying right here. You want to send me to jail? Fine, you go right ahead. I've been in jail for 400 years. I could be there for 4 or 5 more, but I ain't going no 10,000 miles to help murder and kill other poor people. If I want to die, I'll die right here, right now, fightin' you, if I want to die. You my enemy, not no Chinese, no Vietcong, no Japanese. You my opposer when I want freedom. You my opposer when I want justice. You my opposer when I want equality. Want me to go somewhere and fight for you? You won't even stand up for me right here in America, for my rights and my religious beliefs. You won't even stand up for my right here at home. Muhammad Ali : What's my name? What's my name, motherfucker! Muhammad Ali : I'm gonna give 300 dollars to the man who brings me Howard Cosell's toupee, dead or alive. Muhammad Ali : This was 'upposed to be the end. This was supposed to be the myth that Muhammad was gonna fall! This was supposed to be my destruction! Well, they miscalculated, they misjudged, they got it wrong. [In an interview about a possible title fight with Joe Frazier] Muhammad Ali : But if I ever was to get in the ring with Joe, here's what you might see. Ali comes out to meet Frazier, but Frazier starts to retreat. If Joe back up an inch farther, he'll wind up in a ringside seat. Ali swings with his left. Ali swings with his right. Just look at the kid carry the fight. Frazier keeps backin', but there's not enough room. It's only a matter of time before Ali lowers the boom. Ali swings with his right. What a beautiful swing. But the punch lifts Frazier clean out of the ring. Frazier still rising, and the referee wears a frown 'cause he can't start countin' till Frazier comes down. Frazier's disappeared from view. The crowd is getting frantic. But our radar stations done picked him up. He's somewheres over the Atlantic. Now, who would've thought, when they came to the fight, they was gonna witness the launching of a black satellite? But don't wait for that fight. It ain't never gonna happen. The onliest thing you can do is wonder and imagine. Muhammad Ali : Man, without me, you'd just be a mouth and a microphone. Howard Cosell: And without me, you'd just be a mouth. Movie Title: Six Degrees of Separation (1993) as Paul: Ouisa Kittredge : There is so much you don't know. You are so smart and so stupid. Paul : I'll be treated with care if you take me to the police. If they don't know you're special, they kill you. Ouisa Kittredge : Oh, I don't think they kill you. Paul : Mrs. Louisa Kittredge, I am black. Ouisa Kittredge : I will deliver you to them with kindness and affection. Paul : It is the worst kind of yellowness to be so scared of yourself that you put blindfolds on rather than deal with yourself. To face ourselves - that's the hard thing. The imagination - that's God's gift, to make the act of self-examination bearable. Paul : You watch. It gives me a thrill to be looked at. Paul : The imagination. It's there to sort out your nightmare, to show you the exit from the maze of your nightmare, to transform the nightmare into dreams, that become your bedrock. If we do not listen to that voice, it dies, it shrivels, it vanishes. The imagination is not our escape. On the contrary, the imagination is the place we are all trying to get to. Paul : Every moment in life is a learning experience. Or what good is it, right? Paul : I was wondering if I could fuck you. Rick : Man, I don't do things like that. Paul : That's what makes it so nice. You don't. Paul : I believe the imagination is the passport that we create to help take us into the real world. I believe the imagination is merely another phrase for what is most uniquely us. Jung says, "The greatest sin is to be unconscious." Paul : Did you see Donald Barthelme's obituary? He said that collage was the art form of the 20th century. Ouisa Kittredge : Everything is somebody else's. Paul : Not your children. Not your life. Ouisa Kittredge : No, you got me there. That is mine. That is nobody else's. Paul : You don't sound happy. Ouisa Kittredge : There is so much you don't know. You are so smart and so stupid. Paul : This world has been so heavy with all the right-to-lifers - "protect the lives of the unborn"; constitutional amendments - "when does life begin?"; or the converse, the end of life: the right to die. Why is life at this point in the twentieth century so focused upon the very beginning of life and the very end of life? What about the 80 years we have to live between those two inexorable bookends? Movie Title: Shark Tale (2004) as Oscar: [from trailer] Ernie : Oscar! Bernie : Did you kill him? Oscar : Yeah, Yeah. Exactly how it looked; that's how it is. Remember this name: Oscar The Sharkslayer! Movie Title: Wild Wild West (1999) as Capt. James West: Artemus Gordon : She's a breath of fresh ass. Capt. James West : You know what you just said? You just said "ass." Artemus Gordon : No I didn't. No, I said "it's nice having her on board, she's a breast of fresh air." Dr. Arliss Loveless : Mister West! How nice of you to join us tonight and add COLOR to these monochromatic proceedings! Capt. James West : Well when a fella comes back from the dead, I find that an occasion to STAND UP and be counted! Dr. Arliss Loveless : Miss East informs me that you were expectin' to see General McGrath here. Well, I knew him years ago, but I haven't seen him in a COON's age! Capt. James West : Well, I can see where it'd be difficult for a man of your stature to keep in touch with even HALF the people you know. Dr. Arliss Loveless : Well, perhaps the lovely Miss East will keep you from bein' a SLAVE to your disappointment! Capt. James West : Well, you know beautiful women; they encourage you one minute, and CUT THE LEGS OUT from under you the next! Capt. James West : Loveless has kidnapped metallurgists, so whatever he's building is going to have armor. He's kidnapped chemists, so it'll have explosives. And you've said that Rita's father is the biggest expert on hydraulics in the world, so it's going to move. What could he be building that will make the president surrender the U.S. Goverment? Artemus Gordon : A bedside heater. Capt. James West : What? Artemus Gordon : Rita. She could use a bedside heater. It gets rather cold back there. Capt. James West : Let me tell you something about your beloved art of disguise, Gordon. That night at Fat Can's, it wasn't a difficult task to tell that you weren't a woman. Artemus Gordon : I was propositioned by three men! [Gordon produces a notebook and pencil on wrist springs] Capt. James West : You know, you could put a gun on that. Artemus Gordon : Then where would I keep my pencil? Capt. James West : I thought I'd go as a government agent who's going to shoot and kill General Bloodbath McGrath. Artemus Gordon : An armed Negro cowboy costume in a room full of white, Southern, former slave-owners. You'll win first prize. [Chased by flying, magnetic buzz-saw disks] Artemus Gordon : The collars are what's attracting them! They contain powerful magnets! As long as we can outrun the blades, we'll be fine! Capt. James West : Gordon! How long does it take for a magnet to lose its power? Artemus Gordon : About four hundred years! Capt. James West : Damn! [West's face is magnetically joined to Gordon's crotch] Capt. James West : Gordon, when you tell this story to your grandkids, you be sure to leave this part out. Artemus Gordon : Don't worry. Artemus Gordon : Oh, look. My auxiliary tool kit, I forgot all about it. It must have fallen out of my pocket. Capt. James West : Your pocket? Why wasn't it on some spring-loaded contraption that shoots out your ass? Artemus Gordon : That's the first place Loveless would have looked. Capt. James West : I have a telegram for a Dr. Loveless. It's from his mother, Irene. She's telling him to come on home, stop all this foolishness. Capt. James West : Never drum on a white lady's boobies at a redneck dance. Artemus Gordon : Jim? Capt. James West : What now, Artie? Artemus Gordon : Mind if I ask you a question? Capt. James West : Actually, I do, Artie. Capt. James West : That's it, no more Mr. Knife guy. Artemus Gordon : We have the element of surprise. What does Loveless have? [They look down into a canyon] Artemus Gordon : He has his own city. Capt. James West : He has an 80-foot tarantula. Artemus Gordon : I was just coming to that. Capt. James West : Let's break it down into two words. First, red. Red is like, fire, passion. Neck is - I can't think of anything for neck right now. Capt. James West : [Whistles] I'd like to have everyone's attention for a moment. It seems we have had series of major misunderstandings here tonight. First of all, the whole "drummin' on the boobies" thing. Now in my native land... Someone in crowd: Georgia? Capt. James West : Africa. We use drums to communicate between villages. And as you can see by this gal, we could communicate all the way to Baton Rouge. Hell, on a clear night, we might even get Galveston. All I was saying to the gal was, "Hi, how ya doing? My name's Jim. How's your momma?" Then there was the whole "Redneck" comment. And I'm sensing that you took that negatively. But let's break down that word "Redneck". First word red, color of power, fire, passion. Second word neck... neck... hey I can't think of nothing for neck right now, but without that you still got red and that's something to be proud of. [hanging out of the 80-foot spider, which is dangling over a cliff] Arliss Loveless : Well now, Mr. West how did we arrive in this DARK situation? Capt. James West : I don't know Dr. Loveless. I'm just as STUMPED as you are. Movie Title: Enemy of the State (1998) as Robert Clayton Dean: Robert Clayton Dean : What the hell is happening? Brill : I blew up the building. Robert Clayton Dean : Why? Brill : Because you made a phone call. [Watching surveillance tape] Brill : I think you're a little young to watch this part. Robert Clayton Dean : Yeah, so's she. Brill : What? That's my best aloha shirt. Robert Clayton Dean : Yeah, well say "aloha" to it. Robert Clayton Dean : Actually, I believe the term "shyster" is reserved for attorneys of the Jewish persuasion. I believe the proper term for me is "eggplant". Robert Clayton Dean : You're the only woman for me. You and Janet Jackson. Robert Clayton Dean : Why are they after me? Brill : You have something they want. Robert Clayton Dean : I don't have anything. Brill : Maybe you do and you don't know it. David Pratt : We believe Mr. Zavitz may have passed sensitive materials to you. Robert Clayton Dean : What sort of materials? David Pratt : Sensitive, sir. Brill : Do they know me? Robert Clayton Dean : Who's them? Brill : Do they know me? Robert Clayton Dean : I don't know what you're talking about. Brill : Either you are very smart or... incredibely stupid. Robert Clayton Dean : I have been a law abiding citizen my whole life, and one day with you, I mean... shoot. Blake : Is it true you had an affair with Rachel Banks? Robert Clayton Dean : You ever beat off in the shower, Brian? Ever have any homosexual thoughts? Silverberg : Robert, I really don't think that's... Robert Clayton Dean : None of my fucking business, you're damn right it's not. I love my wife and I love my son, absolutely and without equivocation, and that's none of your fucking business either. Silverberg : We think you need to take a break... Robert Clayton Dean : Are you firing me? Silverberg : I think you just fired yourself. Robert Clayton Dean : Planning a quick getaway? Brill : Yeah. Ever since I met you. Brill : I need sugar. I'm getting cranky. Robert Clayton Dean : Getting? Brill : You wanna take a poke at me? Robert Clayton Dean : I don't hit senior citizens. Brill : In guerrilla warfare they taught us to use our weaknesses as strengths. Robert Clayton Dean : Such as? Brill : If they're big and your little, then you're fast and they're slow. You're hidden and they're exposed. You fight only the battles you know you can win. Congressman Sam Albert : [On TV] We knew that we had to monitor our enemies. We've also come to realise that we need to monitor the people who are monitoring them... Carla Dean : Well who's gonna monitor the monitors of the monitors. Robert Clayton Dean : I wouldn't mind doing a little monitoring myself. Carla Dean : Yes, and you've got lots and lots of monitoring to do. Eric Dean : Are you guys talking about sex? Rachel F. Banks : How do you like the trout? Robert Clayton Dean : It tastes like fish. Rachel F. Banks : It is fish. Robert Clayton Dean : Yeah, but it tastes like every other fish I've ever eaten. Eric Dean : I missed you too, dad. Where did you go? Robert Clayton Dean : Oh, they've been keeping me really busy on this case. They're trying to work me to death out there. Brill : You're the threat now. Just like I was. Robert Clayton Dean : Threat to whom? To them? Brill : No. To your family, your friends, everybody you know, everybody you meet. That's why I went away and didn't come back. You've got to go away, Robert. Robert Clayton Dean : No, I don't think so. This is my life, I worked hard for it and I want it back. I grew up without a father, I know what that is. And I will not allow my family to go through that. Brill : You're either incredibly smart or incredibly stupid. Robert Clayton Dean : We'll see in a minute. Watch out for the feds. Thomas Reynolds : [talking to Brill] So tell me what was on that tape. Robert Clayton Dean : [watching from afar] Your ugly-ass face, that's what. Robert Clayton Dean : He said his name was Brill. Brill : He said it, or you said it and he picked up on it? Robert Clayton Dean : [pause] Oh shit, I said it. Brill : You're transmitting. Get rid of your watch. Robert Clayton Dean : My wife gave me this watch. Brill : Then keep it. Robert Clayton Dean : Hey, I'll be back to get my blender. John Bingham : Yeah, I'll have it gift-wrapped. Robert Clayton Dean : You were right, I was wrong, but this is not the time for the 'I told you so' speech. Robert Clayton Dean : Conspiracy theorists of the world unite. Eric: So who won the fight? Robert Clayton Dean : This is your Dad Eric you know when I put my foot down that's it. Eric: My Mom won. Robert Clayton Dean : I was shopping for some lingerie. That's still legal, isn't it? David Pratt : Were you buying that for your wife? Robert Clayton Dean : No I was picking something up for myself, I do a little cross dressing on the weekends. You know, you'd be surprised how a nice pair of edible panties can make a guy feel sexy. Movie Title: Men in Black (1997) as Edwards / Jay / James Edwards: Kay : All right, Beatrice, there was no alien. The flash of light you saw in the sky was not a UFO. Swamp gas from a weather balloon was trapped in a thermal pocket and reflected the light from Venus. Jay : Wait a minute. You just flash that thing, it erases her memory, and you just make up a new one? Kay : A standard issue neuralyzer. Jay : And that weak-ass story's the best you can come up with? Kay : On a more personal note Beatrice, Edgar ran off with an old girlfriend, you're gonna go stay with your mom a couple nights then realize you're better off. Jay : Yeah, 'cause you know what? He never appreciated you anyway. In fact, *you* kicked *him* out and now that he's gone you're gonna go into town, go to Bloomingdales, find some nice dresses, you know, maybe find somewhere you can get, you know, a facial, and hire a decorator to come in here fast because... damn. Jay : Why the big secret? People are smart, they can handle it. Kay : A *person* is smart. People are dumb, panicky, dangerous animals and you know it. Jay : Zed, don't you guys ever get any sleep around here? Zed : The twins keep us on Centaurian time, standard thirty-seven hour day. Give it a few months. You'll get used to it... or you'll have a psychotic episode. Kay : Set for pulsar level five, subsonic implosion factor two. Jay : What? Kay : Just shoot the damn thing on the count of three. Kay : There are approximately 1500 aliens in Manhattan. Jay : Cab drivers? Kay : Not as many as you think. Kay : Arquillian battle rules: first we get an ultimatum, then a warning shot, then a galactic standard week to respond. Jay : A galactic standard week? How the hell long is that? Kay : One hour. Jay : One hour... then what? MIB Screen: MIB, delivery the galaxy or earth will be destroyed, sorry. Jay : Oh, now that's bullshit. Edwards : Freeze means stop. Jay : There's only one way off this planet and that's through me. Jay : Did you ever flashy-thing me? Kay : No. Jay : I ain't playing, K. Did you ever flashy-thing me? Kay : No. Elle : Hey Jay! Zed called. The high consulate from Zalaxia 9 wants floor seats for the next Bulls game. Jay : OK, let's put in a call to Dennis Rodman, he's from that planet. Elle : Rodman? You're kidding... Not much of a disguise. Jay : You know the difference between you and me? I make this look good. [J has just jumped from a bridge onto a tour bus] Jay : It just be raining black people in New York. Kay : Not bad for your second day of work, is it? Jay : This definitely rates about a 9.0 on my weird-shit-o-meter. Kay : You should've been here for the Zeronian migration in 1968. James Edwards : NYPD means I will Nock Yo Punkass Down. Jay : You do know Elvis is dead, right? Kay : No, Elvis is not dead. He just went home. Jay : Unlimited technology from the whole universe, and we cruise 'round in a Ford P.O.S. Kay : See ya around, Jay. Jay : No, you won't. Kay : Did he say anything to you? James Edwards : Yeah, that the world is coming to an end. Kay : Did he say when? Jay : [stepping on an insect] Oh, was that your auntie? Then that must be your uncle over there. [in a shooting range, confronted with numerous menacing-looking targets, Edwards shoots a cardboard little girl] Zed : May I ask why you felt little Tiffany deserved to die? James Edwards : Well, she was the only one that actually seemed dangerous at the time, sir. Zed : How'd you come to that conclusion? James Edwards : Well, first I was gonna pop this guy hanging from the street light, and I realized, y'know, he's just working out. I mean, how would I feel if somebody come runnin' in the gym and bust me in my ass while I'm on the treadmill? Then I saw this snarling beast guy, and I noticed he had a tissue in his hand, and I'm realizing, y'know, he's not snarling, he's sneezing. Y'know, ain't no real threat there. Then I saw little Tiffany. I'm thinking, y'know, eight-year-old white girl, middle of the ghetto, bunch of monsters, this time of night with quantum physics books? She about to start some shit, Zed. She's about eight years old, those books are WAY too advanced for her. If you ask me, I'd say she's up to something. And to be honest, I'd appreciate it if you eased up off my back about it. [pause] James Edwards : Or do I owe her an apology? James Edwards : Maybe you already answered this, but: why exactly are we here? Zed : [Noticing a recruit raising his hand] Son. Second Lieutenent Jake Jenson : Second Lieutenant Jake Jenson. West Point. Graduate with honors. We're here because you are looking for the best of the best of the best, sir. [Edwards laughs] Zed : What's so funny, Edwards? James Edwards : Boy Captain America over here. "Best of the best of the best, sir." "With honors." Yeah, he's just really excited and he has no clue why we're here. Kay : [shouting] We do not discharge our weapons in view of the public. Jay : We don't got time for this cover-up bullshit. Look, I don't know if you forgot, but there's an Arquillian Battle... Kay : There's always an Arquillian Battle Cruiser, or a Korilian Death Ray, or an intergalactic plague that is about to wipe out life on this miserable planet. The only way these people can get on with their happy lives is that they do not know about it. Zed : Kay, give the kid a weapon. [Kay opens a chest filled with intergalactic guns. He picks up a large rifle] Kay : Series 4 De-atomizer. Jay : That's what I'm talkin' about. Kay : [Picks up a very tiny gun and gives it to Jay] Noisy Cricket. Jay : Hey, Kay, come on man you get a Series 4 De-atomizer and I get a little midget cricket? Kay : [Notices Jay is pointing the gun in his direction] Whoah! Watch it. Jay : Feel like I'm gonna break this damn thing. Jay : You know what they say. It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Kay : Try it. Jay : Alright, I'm in. 'Cause there's some next level shit going on and I'm OK with that. But before y'all go beaming me up there's one thing you gotta remember: you chose me so you recognized the skills, so I don't want you to call me sport, kid, or anything like that. You got me? Kay : Okay, slick. But let me tell you something about all your skills. As of right now, they mean precisely... dick. Zed : Edwards. Let's put it on. Edwards : Put what on? Zed : The last suit you'll ever wear. Jay : Now that's the worst disguise ever. That guy's gotta be an alien. Frank the Pug : You don't like it you can kiss my furry little butt. Kay : I don't suppose you know what kind of alien life form leaves a green spectral trail and craves sugar water, do you? Jay : Aw that was on Final Jeopardy last night. Come on what did Alex say? Kay : Zed, we got a bug. Kay : Keep him on THIS planet. Jay : Kay, where are you going? Kay : I'm going to get my gun back. Cephalopoid: He's coming, he's coming. Edwards : Yeah and when he gets here I'll arrest his ass too. [After delivering a baby squid] Jay : You know it's actually kinda... [baby throws up on him] Jay : cute. Jay : Gonna get your gun back? Kay : I like this gun. Movie Title: Independence Day (1996) as Captain Steven Hiller: Captain Steven Hiller : Oops. David Levinson : W-what do you mean, oops? Captain Steven Hiller : Some jerk put this... David Levinson : Don't say "oops". Captain Steven Hiller : What do you say we try that again? David Levinson : Yes, yes. Yes. Without the "oops". Thataway. Captain Steven Hiller : I ain't heard no fat lady! David Levinson : Forget the fat lady. You're Obsessed with fat lady. Just get us out of here! David Levinson : You really think you can fly that thing? Captain Steven Hiller : You really think you can do all that bullshit you just said? David Levinson : They're chasing us! Captain Steven Hiller : Really, YOU THINK? Captain Steven Hiller : Oh, no. no, you are NOT shootin' that green shit at me! Captain Steven Hiller : Is that an earthquake? Jasmine Dubrow : Not even a four pointer. Go back to sleep. Captain Steven Hiller : I'm just a little anxious to get up there and whup E.T.'s ass. [After smacking the alien in the head] Captain Steven Hiller : Welcome to Earth! Captain Steven Hiller : Y'know, this was supposed to be my weekend off, but noooo. You got me out here draggin' your heavy ass through the burnin' desert with your dreadlocks stickin' out the back of my parachute. You gotta come down here with an attitude, actin' all big and bad... and what the hell is that smell? I could've been at a barbecue! But I ain't mad. Captain Steven Hiller : Now that's what I call a close encounter Captain Steven Hiller : Look, I really don't think they flew 90 billion light years to come down here and start a fight. Get all rowdy. Jasmine Dubrow : There you go, thinking you're all that. But you are not as charming as you think you are, sir. Captain Steven Hiller : Yes I am. David Levinson : They're bringing us in. Captain Steven Hiller : When the hell was you gonna tell me? David Levinson : Oops. Captain Steven Hiller : We're gonna have to work on our communication. [after starting up alien ship] Captain Steven Hiller : I have got to get me one of these! [Steve Hiller and David Levinson are about to launch the bomb and fly out of the alien ship. They both wave to the alien watching them] David Levinson : Hey, take a look at the earthlings. Goodbye! Captain Steven Hiller : Y'all take care, alright, 'nothing but love for ya. I ain't got nothing by love for ya. [To David] Captain Steven Hiller : You think they have any idea what's about to happen to them? David Levinson : Not a chance in hell. Goodnight! Captain Steven Hiller : THAT'S RIGHT! Thats what you get! Look at you, ship all banged up! WHOSE THE MAN? HUH? WHOSE THE MAN? Wait until I get another plane! I am going to lower your friends RIGHT BESIDE YOU! Area 51 Guard : I'm sorry, Captain. This is a restricted area. I can't let you pass without clearance. Captain Steven Hiller : Okay. Come here. You wanna see my clearance? [shows the officer an alien wrapped up in a parachute, freaking out the guard] Captain Steven Hiller : Maybe I'll just leave this here with you. Area 51 Guard : Let them pass! Let them pass! [as they launch a nuclear missile into the mother ship] Captain Steven Hiller : Peace! [David keeps trying to direct Steve in escaping the mother ship] Captain Steven Hiller : We're not hit! We're not hit! Stop side-seat driving! Movie Title: Bad Boys (1995) as Mike Lowrey: Mike Lowrey : What the hell are you doin'? Marcus Burnett : Keepin' my shit quick. Mike Lowrey : Oh, I see. You aren't gettin any at home, so you got a lot of extra energy. Go ahead, burn it off. Mike Lowrey : Hello? Marcus Burnett : We're your new neighbors. Mike Lowrey : Don't be alarmed, we're negros. Marcus Burnett : Naw man, naw. Too much bass in your voice. That scares white folks. You got to sound more like them. [In high pitched voice] Marcus Burnett : We were wondering if we could borrow some brown sugar...? Mike Lowrey : You know you drive almost slow enough to drive Miss Daisy. Mike Lowrey : King Dingaling. Mike Lowrey : You freeze, bitch. Store Clerk : Oh shit, I'm fucked. Mike Lowrey : Now back up, put the gun down and give me a packet of Tropical Fruit Bubblicious. Marcus Burnett : And some Skittles. Marcus Burnett : You mean, y'all paid, what, $80,000 for this car and you ain't got no damn cup holder? Mike Lowrey : It's $105,000 and this happens to be one of the fastest production cars on the planet. Zero to sixty in four seconds, sweetie. Limited edition. Marcus Burnett : You damn right it's limited. No cup holder, no back seat. Just a shiny dick with two chairs in it. I guess we the balls just draggin' the fuck along. Mike Lowrey : I don't know why you runnin' to your wife. You got shot in the leg, your dick probably don't work. Mike Lowrey : You know, I'm so sick of this bullshit. Am I supposed to apologize for my family leaving me money? All I ever wanted to do was be a cop. I go out there and take it to the max everyday. I'm the first one there, and the last one to leave, so you know what, fuck you, and fuck them, and fuck everybody that's got a problem with Mike Lowery. Marcus Burnett : I love you, man. Mike Lowrey : Fuck you. Marcus Burnett : I do. Mike Lowrey : Shut up, you slowass driver. You drive like a bitch. Marcus Burnett : Why I gotta be all that? Tell you what, I'll drive off this fuckin cliff if you keep fuckin with me. Then it'll be two bitches in the sea. My wife knows I'm no bitch. I'm a bad boy. Mike Lowrey : They should just bone and get that shit over with. Marcus Burnett : I ain't no Wesley Snipes! I just hang out with stupid ass friends, that drive stupid ass cars, that attract a lot of mother fuckin' attention! Mike Lowrey : I need to jump over this car and smack you in your peasy ass head that's what I need to do Marcus Burnett : You're arguin' over a mother fuckin' french fry, it's a fry man Mike Lowrey : It's not about the fry it's about your lack of respect for other people's property! Thug #1: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! Thug #2: Shut the fuck up! Marcus Burnett : [To Thug #2] Hold it, hold the fuck on! Marcus Burnett : [To Mike] You want some bad enough, come get some! Marcus Burnett : [Kicks Thug #2 in the nuts] You like that shit? Wesley Snipes, Passenger 57! Now gimme a mother fuckin' handy wipe! Mike Lowrey : Now let's hear one of those jokes bitch Mike Lowrey : [to thug that is holding a gun to his head] Let me tell you bad bad of a day your having, right now your jacking a couple cops. Thug #1: Oh yeah, well I'm a stand up comedian and I SUCK so I need your car. Marcus Burnett : You got the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. Mike Lowrey : Yo man, what the fuck are you doing? Marcus Burnett : Gettin' it outta the way. Mike Lowrey : Please, man. Married life is easy. You only got one woman to satisfy. Marcus Burnett : Yo, man, we ain't the Cosbys. Mike Lowrey : Now let's hear some of those jokes, bitch. Marcus Burnett : You better do something quick, 'cause we're running out of road. Mike Lowrey : Who picked this dumb-ass road? Marcus Burnett : Man, I ain't no Wesley Snipes. I just hang out with stupid-ass friends, who drive stupid-ass cars, that attract a lot of stupid-ass attention. Mike Lowrey : You know, I should just jump over this car and smack you on your peasy-ass little head. Marcus Burnett : (driving the "ice-cream truck") What am I smelling? Julie Mott : Ether. Highly inflammable... ether. Mike Lowrey : Oh shit... Marcus Burnett : Oh. You the man. You the one who picked an ice-cream truck that's a damn bomb. Mike Lowrey : Hey, hey, what's this having-a-picnic shit in my car? Marcus Burnett : Look man, I ain't getting my sex at home, OK? Don't deny me this. Mike Lowrey : What are you talking about, man? You sleep with a beautiful woman everyday. Marcus Burnett : I'm married. That's what married means. It means you sleep together, but you can't get none. Theresa Burnett : Oh oh. Don't kiss me, Mike. I don't know where your lips were last night. Move. Quincy Burnett : Uncle Mike, did you have a date last night? Mike Lowrey : Whooo. Did I. Let me tell you, this girl was... Theresa Burnett : Hey hey. Don't you go telling my boys none of your sleazy sex stories. Mike Lowrey : Aw, no. I only tell your husband my sleazy sex stories. Marcus Burnett : Hey. Theresa Burnett : Well, I don't want him hearing either. Gives him ideas. Marcus Burnett : Why are you doing this to me, man? I'm with my babies. Okay? Thank you. Mike Lowrey : My plans always work sometimes. [Casper answers the ringing cell phone] Casper : Hello. Mike Lowrey : Yeah, is this Romeo? Casper : No. There ain't no Romeo here, asshole. [To Ferguson] Casper : What the fuck are you laughing at? Mike Lowrey : OK, I'm reaching for my badge now... Store Clerk : Badges? You want badges motherbitch? I'll give you badges. 99 cents each. [throws some badges at Mike] Store Clerk : I'll sell you some. Mike Lowrey : Now that's how you are suppose to drive! From now on that's how you drive! Movie Title: Men in Black II (2002) as Agent J: Agent J : Let's put it on. Kevin Brown/K : What? Agent J : The last suit you'll ever wear... again. Agent J : You probably don't remember me, but we used to work together. Kevin Brown/K : [noticing J's black suit] I don't remember working in a funeral home. [about the driver airbag] Kevin Brown/K : Does that come standard? Agent J : Actually it came with a black dude, but he kept getting pulled over. Agent J : Look, I know you're a little scared. And I'm gonna keep it real with you, I'm a little scared too. Kevin Brown/K : I'm not scared. Agent J : Me neither. I just thought we was bonding. Agent J : What are you doing? Kevin Brown/K : I always do the driving. Agent J : Oh, no. Kevin Brown/K : I remember that. Agent J : No, you drive that old busted joint. I drive... the new hotness. [pointing at K] Agent J : old and busted. [Pointing at himself] Agent J : New hotness. Kevin Brown/K : Why don't you go get me some coffee? Agent J : Okay, you usually take it black? 'Couple cubes of kiss-my-ass? Frank the Pug : [Frank sings "I Will Survive"] I know you're back from outer space. I just walked in here to find you with that sad look upon your face. I should've changed that stupid lock, I should have made you leave your key, if I knew for just one second you'd be back to bother me... Agent J : FRANK! Agent J : Could I have your attention for a moment, please? [neuralyzes the crowd] Agent J : Thank you for participating in our drill. Had this been an actual emergency, y'all would have been EATEN. 'Cause you don't listen! That's the trouble with you New Yorkers, you're hardheaded. "Oh, we've seen it all." I come in, I ask you nicely... how's a man gonna come in trying to help you - then the worm comes in, and it's, "Oh, save us, Mr. Black Man!" You all... [neuralyzes the crowd again] Agent J : Thank you for participating in our drill. Hopefully you enjoyed our smaller, more energy-efficient subway cars. Watch your step, y'all have a nice evening. [handing Kay the Noisy Cricket] Agent J : This is your favorite gun. Agent J : Worms! Give me some cover fire! Worm: Too scared, can't move! Agent J : Kid? While you were off licking stamps I saved the world from a Crelon invasion. Zed : You didn't neauralize another one? Agent J : What's that supposed to mean. Okay, you can't count A, and L really wanted to go back to that morgue. [after K shoots Jeebs in the head] Agent J : You're back. Kevin Brown/K : No. Agent J : Then how did you know that his head would grow back? Kevin Brown/K : It grows back? Agent J : Jarra, you are under arrest for being that ugly, and for making that many copies! Newton : A neuralize... Agent J : Ok. First, get some contact lenses, cause those joints look like they could pick up cable. Second, take her to Cambodia, get her a lobster dinner. Pay more then a dollar. Third, the second y'all get back from Cambodia, move your bum ass outta your mom's house. Boy, you like forty years old. Kevin Brown/K : Agent J. Agent J : Aight! Oh, and there ain't no such thing as aliens or Men in Black. [J leaves] Newton : You wanna go to Cambodia? Hailey : Yeah. Newton : Hey, Mom? [Newton picks up a shovel] Agent J : I'm not going to take advice on relationships from a guy who chases his own ass. Frank the Pug : That is canine profiling, and I resent it! [after a disappointing performance] Agent T : [Crying] You're going to neuralize me, brought me to a public place so I wouldn't make a scene. Agent J : You ARE making a scene Frank the Pug : How about we do the good cop, bad cop routine? You can interrogate the witness, and I'll just growl. Grrrrr... Agent J : How about we do the good cop, dumb dog routine, and you just shut up. Agent J : Yeah, every Saturday night you'd be like, 'Flush me J. Flush me.' and I'd be like, 'Naw'. Agent J : I need a containment crew at the subway station at 81st Street, revoke Jeff's movement privileges immediately, and would someone PLEASE check the expiration date on the Unipod worm tranquilizers? [Jay neuralyzes Agent T] Agent J : Get married, have a bunch of kids, live happily ever after. Agent T : Okay. Agent J : [to a waitress on his way out] My friend over there's kind of shy, but he thinks you are HOT. Agent J : Jarra! Hey, been a long time. Jarra : Five years and forty-two days. You count every one when you're locked away like a primate. [Frank is wearing his very own MIB suit] Frank the Pug : J! Wait up! I appreciate this shot man. Thought I'd never get out of that mailroom. Agent J : Lose the suit! Frank the Pug : Sure thing partner. No problemo. Just going for the look. But if I say so myself, I do find the overall effect very slimming! MIB Autopsy Agent : Would somebody PLEASE explain to me why I have a dead Tricranosloth going through Passport Control? MIB Autopsy Agent : That would be my fault Sir. I'm very sorry Sir. Please don't neuralize me Sir! Agent J : Wha' the hell's that supposed to mean? [J takes Kevin/K into the Deneuralizer room] Agent J : The Deneuralizer. In a few moments, transverse magneto energy will surge through your brain, unlocking information hidden deep and dormant that could hold the key to Earth's very survival. Kevin Brown/K : Okay [Pointing at the deneuralizer] Kevin Brown/K : What's that thing? [on the train] Agent J : Please move to the forward car, we've got a bug in the system. [He is ignored by the passengers] Agent J : YO! WE GOT A BUG IN THE ELECTRICAL SYSTEM! [A huge bug smashes through into the compartment, the passengers flee] Agent J : Oh! Now y'all runnin' Now y'all... No, no, no, no, sit down, sit down, It's only a 600 foot worm! [in the midst of alien fight K repeatedly kicks an alien in the crotch but nothing happens] Agent J : K that won't work he's a Balchinian! [J tangles with Serleena's tentacles] Agent J : I'm gonna lay the smackdown on your candy-ass! Agent J : Didn't your mother ever give you a Gameboy? Kevin Brown/K : WHAT is a Gameboy? Laura : He had you on your back. Agent J : That's how I fight. Agent J : Just about everybody who works in the post office is an alien. Agent K : Hey! Agent J : Hey... Agent K : How ya doing? Agent J : I'm good man. Agent K : We've all been there kid... the girl's gone, and it hurts. You wanna talk? Agent J : No... Agent K : I can help. Agent J : No! Zed : Ah, still sulking? Agent J : Yeah. Zed : Hell, you miss her, it happens to all of us! There was this hot, young thing I knew once, and when our bodies were entwined in the positions of the Kama Sutra... Agent J : ZED! Come on man, damn! [Frank The Pug emerges from a steam room] Frank The Pug: Hey J, I'll tell ya something about dames. They say the wanna be scratched behind the ears, but what they REALLY want is [Starts growling and shaking the water off of him] Agent J : Hey! Frank! Frank The Pug: What? Still sittin' shiva? Want my advice? Agent J : No! [Points to Frank] Agent J : No advice! [Points to Agent K] Agent J : No talking! [Points to Zed] Agent J : ...Hell no! Fellas I swear, I'm fine! [Agent J open his locker] Locker People: ALL HAIL J! ALL HAIL J! [Agent J closes his locker] Agent K : I brought 'em over from Grand Central Terminal. Agent J : Why you put them rats in my locker, man? Agent K : I thought it would put things in perspective for you. Agent J : No, K, it's actually kinda sad man, really. We need to let them outta there. I mean, they need to know that the world is bigger than that. Agent K : [sighs] Still a rookie! [Agent K kicks open a door] Frank The Pug: Whoa! [Camera pans back to reveal a much bigger alien world] Agent J : Stay! Frank the Pug : Listen, partner. I may look like a dog, but I'm only play one here on Earth. Agent J : OK, wipe your mouth. Agent J : [Jay is hiding Laura at the Worms' place] Here's my communicator. You'll be safe here. Worms: [Laura kisses Jay] Whooooh! Agent J : Uh... just... watch out for Neeble. Laura : Which one's Neeble? Agent J : Um... err... which one o' y'all's Neeble? Neeble : Yo, mama! Agent J : Ah, there ya go. And... uh... don't fall asleep. [Jay exits] Worms: Twister! Movie Title: The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air (1990) as Will: [after Vivian asks Will to be her partner at Soul Train] Will : I'd like to Aunt Viv, really. But it's hard to get my groove on with an old woman. [Vivian glares] Will : Oh, you don't know "kid talk". You know, "bad" is good, "stupid" is wonderful, and "old" is uh... beautiful. You *so* old Aunt Viv. You're the *oldest* woman I've even seen. [Will and his girlfriend are trapped in the basement after an earthquake] Will : [singing] I'm stuck in the basement sittin' on a tricycle girl getting' on my nerves. [Will and his girlfriend are trapped in the basement after and earthquake] Will : [singing] I'm stuck in a basement, sittin' on a tricycle, girl gettin' on my nerves; Goin' outta my mind, I thought she was fine, don't know if her body is hers. Jazz : Making a baby truly is a blessed event. Will : Don't you mean "Having a baby"? Jazz : Trust me on this. Will : I'm gonna pop that little zit when I get home. Will : Carlton, I misjudged you. You're a lot cooler than I thought. Hey, you wanna go to the club with us tonight? Carlton : I don't have a date. Will : Carlton, never bring a sandwich to a buffet. Will : [singing while playing harmonica] My butler is black/My butler is blue/His honey has green/Comin' out her wazoo. Will : Carlton, I think you've been deprived of oxygen at birth. Will : Am I alone in this, or did y'all know he was white? I mean - tall. Carlton : You're the man, Will. You're the man. I'm just the man behind the man. Will : Uh, what're you doin' back there? Will : [to Phillip] Hey, hey, hey man. Man, have I told you how thin you're lookin' lately? Will : His highness would like you to clean his sneakers. And you will clean them with your toothbrush. Not up and down, not side to side, but in a circular motion. Carlton : Does he want you to clean his room? Hilary : God, no. Carlton : Will you clean mine? Hilary : What do you know? Will : I know that the basic element of physics is matter. And if you were going to write a term paper, you would have to know something, from... I don't know, the first day? Hilary : How did you find out? Will : I have my methods, and that Toni's roommates have a combined IQ of a raisin. Phillip Banks : Heck, the boys go to a predominantly tall school. Will : [reads inscription on the two doors] "Enter as boys, leave as men?" How long do they plan on keeping us here? Will : I'm going to the-to the library. Vy : Aren't you a little overdressed? Will : I was going to drop by and check on the, the thing. Vy : You mean the wedding? [Scott is interested in Hilary] Scott: Is she involved with anyone? Will : Mostly herself. Phillip Banks : No sex before marriage, Will. Will : Come on, Uncle Phil. This is the 90's. Phillip Banks : Try a cold shower. Will : I've been doing that since the 80's. It don't work no more. Phillip Banks : Will, going to college isn't just about finding a job. It's about finding yourself, and finding what you do best that makes a contribution to the community. It shouldn't be just about money. Will : You really believe that, Uncle Phil? Phillip Banks : Yes, son, I really do. Will : Then how do you explain becoming a lawyer? Carlton : I'm sick of being such a big loser. Will : [faking sympathy] Aw, C - you're not big. Girl: Excuse me, what's a nine-letter word for "Terrific?" Will : That's easy: "Will Smith." Will : Hey. Kool-Aid. Will : Yo, Judge, Judge, check it, Judge. I was umm... working if you could help a brother out... ummm... he's got like two grand worth of parking tickets, ummm... [Will sees Phil glaring at him] Will : I-I thought he was selling condoms. Hilary Banks : You were right, Will. Scott is the first guy since Trevor that I really liked, and I guess I just got scared. I guess I had to find something wrong with him. Will : And that Adams Apple thing is the best you could come up with? Hilary Banks : Well, you know I never had a good imagination. I never even had imaginary friends when I was a kid. I used to play with Carlton's. God, they were such dweebs. Philip Banks : Will, I want the best for Ashley. When I was young I loved classical music, but my parents could never afford lessons. I would stand in parking lot outside the Phil Harmonic, hoping to catch a spare note in the night air. Vivian Banks: Philip, when I met you, you were into James Brown. Will : [laughing] He liked James Brown? Vivian Banks: He even wore his hair like him. Will : [laughing harder] He had hair? [on why he ran away because of Uncle Phil] Will : What if he told you you couldn't wear plaid anymore? Carlton : Don't even joke about that, Will. That's not funny. Will : [to Hilary] And what if he told you you couldn't have men in the jacuzzi anymore? Vivian : You had a man in the Jacuzzi? Hilary : [pause] This isn't about me, it's about Will. Vivian : I want to know when you had a man in the Jacuzzi. Hilary : Look, I have my own private life. What happened between me and the man in the Jacuzzi is between me, the man, and his video camera. William Shatner: [As Captain Kirk] What happened? The bridge looks so different. Spasers on spun. Ow, my tooth. [to Will] William Shatner: Bones, help me. Will : Dammit Jim, I'm a black boy from Philly, not a doctor. Will : Girl, you look so good, I would plant you and create a WHOLE FIELD of y'all. Will : Girl, you look so good, I would marry your brother just to get in your family. Will : Girl, if God created anything less pitiful than you, I hope he kept it for himself. Carlton Banks: The police were doing their job. We were detained a couple hours, and dad came and got us out. The system worked. Will : I hope you like that system, because you're gonna be seeing a lot more of it in your life. Carlton Banks: Not if I bring a map. Will : Man, you don't get it, do you? A map is not gonna help you. Neither is your Glee Club, or your fancy Bel-Air address, or who your daddy is. They don't care about any of that. They only see one thing. [the girl Carlton was supposed to marry leaves him at the altar] Carlton : When she told her parents she was going to marry me, they came and got her right away. Will : What if the kid's yours? Carlton : He's not. Will : Come on, Carlton. Just because the kid's cute, doesn't mean you're not the father. Will : You're going to that hospital if I have to knock you out and call an ambulance. [Will just cancelled his "Shaft" wedding with Lisa] Will : Look, Lisa, I want to marry you, but definitely not like this. Lisa : Right on. Will : Oh, by the way, dude, your Isaac Hayes impression stinks. Himself : Oh, I don't know. I thought it was pretty good. [Will, wearing a fat suit, is spying on Lisa] Lisa : Will? Is that you? Will : Well it ain't Fat Albert. Will : It's your world squirrel, I'm just trying to get a nut. Will : Ain't no thang but a chicken wing. [Trying to hit on a girl] Will : Hey baby, I noticed you noticing me and I just wanted to put you on notice that I noticed you too. Will : I'm sorry, Uncle Phil. I know he was your boy and all. It's kinda like how I felt when I found out that Kermit the Frog was nothing but a piece of green felt with someone's hand up his butt. Will : That's right. You'd best to press on before you get straight molly-wopped up in here. Will : I'm telling you, if you leave Scott now, it could haunt you for the rest of your life. Hilary : What do you mean? Will : Well, you may never date again. You might become an old lady walking around with a shower cap, and a raggety halter-top that says 'Ja-am,' and rhinestone Gouchos. And you would be eating neckbone sandwiches and shouting at your imaginary dog, Brutus. And you know what the worse part of it is? Hilary : What? Will : The only man you will ever get is some fool named Grady who falls asleep in his soup. Hilary : Ewww, I hate soup. Carlton : How dare you not take Will? He has lots of potential. Top Dog : That's why we want him. It's you we don't want. Carlton : What? But I did everything. I cleaned your house, I washed your dishes, I cooked your meals. Top Dog : Yeah, everything your butler does for you. I'm not letting some Bel-Air bred prep school sellout into my fraternity. Carlton : So you think I'm a sellout. Why? Because I live in a really nice house? Or because I dress differently? Or because I like Barry Manilow? Will : [to everyone listening] Or even Barry White, y'all. Carlton : Being black is not what I'm trying to be, it's what I am. I'm running the same race and jumping the same hurdles as you, so why are you tripping me up? You said we have to stick together, but you don't know what that means. Will : Uncle Phil, all I'm saying is what's the difference between what I'm wearing now and you with a dashiki and an Afro back in the '60s? Philip: But I was making a cultural statement. You're just drawing attention to yourself. Will : Now... correct me if I'm wrong, but you think that a six-foot, 250-pound black dude in a dashiki and an Afro the size of West Philly isn't drawing attention to himself? Vivian : Will, why did you want to take a class in black history? Will : Because I'm interested in it. Vivian : Are you really? Will : Hey, I read the autobiography of Malcolm X like three times. Vivian : And that makes you interested? Will : That's a very important book. Vivian : Will, you can read the book, you can wear the shirt, you can even shout out the slogans, but unless you know ALL the history behind it, you're trivializing the entire struggle. Now you started something very good. Now it's up to you to finish it. [Uncle Phil just grounded Will and took away all of his privileges] Will : Why don't you just do me like Kunta Kinte and cut off my foot? Bryan: Man, the word was out on your old man, but I didn't know your whole family was crazy. Ashley Banks : Bryan, I am so sorry. Bryan: Ashley, if you ever decide to run away from home, give me a call. Ashley Banks : But Bryan... Will : Hey, hey. Let him go, baby. Let him go. And good riddance, you little Filthy McNasty! Word: Yeah, you remember Omar Phelps? Carlton : Who's Omar Phelps? Will : That's the dude who would be spinning me over his head in the opening credits. Will : Oh my god, Carlton! What's that hideous thing growing out of your neck? Carlton : Where? Where? Will : Ah, never mind. It's just your head. Will : [to Carlton] Could you drop me off at the beach? No, scratch that. Drop me off a couple of blocks from the beach. The honeys will get nervous if they see me with a midget. Hilary : Guess what? Will : You bought your own dinner? Hilary : [pause] Are you insane? Phillip Banks : As my father used to say, it's better to give than to receive. Will : Your pop had a bit of a drinking problem, didn't he? Carlton : If it looks like a duck, sounds like a duck, and smells like a duck, what is it? Will : Your prom date? Will : Uncle Phil, I don't think all this legal talk is gonna work. I mean, the only legal phrase these people know is, "Will the defendant please rise?" Will : Roses are red, violets are blue, Jazz and I are black but Carlton what are you? Carlton : Will, just face it, the better man won Will : Oh yeah, well the bigger badder man's about to beat the better man into oblivion Will : Ding dong the cricket's dead, Ashley's grounded now you all go to bed. Nicholas 'Nicky' Andrew Banks : Mommy and Daddy won't let me watch "Bad Boys". Will : "Bad Boys", huh? Whatcha gonna do? [Will wants to take Lady Penelope out for the evening] Geoffrey : Master William, I hope you realize the seriousness of the situation. Will : G, why are you trippin? She's just a girl. Geoffrey : Just a girl? Master William, if all 895 members of the Royal Family suddenly died, she would be the next Queen of England. Will : Now, where would that put me? Carlton : Why don't you act like an adult? Will : Why don't you look like one? Carlton : Will, you must change! Will : Carlton, you must grow! Phillip Banks : Carlton, will you relax? My money makes money. We're rich! Carlton : That's right, we are rich. Will : If we're so rich... [Camera pans up to reveal the studio lights] Will : ...why we ain't go no ceiling? [Will's father came back into town, and then lied to Will about being around more and left. Phillip is trying to comfort him] Will : Hey, you no what, you ain't got to do nothing, Yncle Phil. You know, ain't like I'm still five years old, you know? Ain't like I'm be sitting every night asking my mom 'when's daddy coming home?' you know? Who needs him? Hey, he wasn't there to teach me how to shoot my first basket, but I learned it, didn't I? And I got pretty damn good at it too, didn't I, Uncle Phil? Phillip Banks : Yeah, you did. Will : Got to do my first date without him, right? I learned how to ride, I learned how to shave, I learned how to fight without him. I had *fourteen* great birthdays without him; he never even sent me a damn card. The hell with him! [pause] Will : I didn't need him then, I won't need him now. Phillip Banks : Will... Will : No, you know what, Uncle Phil? I'm gonna get through college without him, I'm gonna get a great job without him, I'm gonna marry me a beautiful honey and I'm having a whole bunch of kids. I'm gonna be a better father than he ever was. And I sure as hell don't need him for that, 'cause there ain't a damn thing he can teach me about how to love my kids! [long pause; he's crying] Will : How come he don't want me, man? Movie Title: Bad Boys II (2003) as Mike Lowery: Mike Lowery : Now that's how you supposed to shoot, from now on that's how you shoot! Oh man, I want my next partner to shoot like that WOOOOO... it takes a dysfunctional motherfucker to bust somebody in the head like that. That's some disfunctional shit! My next partner's gonna invite me to his barbeques and shit, though. Mike Lowery : Dan Marino should definitely buy this car. Well not this one, cause I'm gonna fuck this one up. But he should get one just like it. Mike Lowery , Marcus Burnett : [singing] Bad boys, bad boys what ya gonna do? What ya gonna do when we come for you? Mike Lowery : [Marcus starts singing the verse] Dude, you gotta learn the words. Marcus Burnett : We usually only do the chorus. Mike Lowery : It ain't exactly a pool, man. It's like a big-ass puddle wrapped in blue plastic. Mike Lowery : We ride together, we die together. Bad boys for life. Marcus Burnett : on seeing a rat] Oh shit. They ain't normal rats. Mike Lowery : What he means is that these are a special breed. Roberto : What the name of this special breed? Marcus Burnett : Big motherfuckers... Mike Lowery : [pointing a flashlight at Marcus' eyes] "Have you ingested X? Look at your pupils. Marcus Burnett : Look at my pupils? How the hell am I gonna look at my pupils? [tries to cross his eyes] Floyd Poteet : We've got our rights. Mike Lowery : Why don't you exercise your right to shut the fuck up? Marcus Burnett : You see that? Mike Lowery : They throwin' cars. How'd I not see that. Marcus Burnett : Hey, Mike, I'm just trying to be helpful. Mike Lowery : Hey, you'd know what would be fuckin' helpful, Marcus? Just shut the fuck up and let me drive, let's try that. [repeated line] Mike Lowery : That's that bullshit. Mike Lowery : Crash the ambulance into the mortuary now. Detective Mateo Reyes : [over radio] No way. I'm not getting suspended again. Mike Lowery : I'm gonna whoop your asses if you don't crash that ambulance into the mortuary now. Mike Lowery : Change the station... more music less Marcus. If you open the door there'll be a black Dr. Phil for the next 40 minutes. Mike Lowery : Captain, is it possible we can discuss potential reinmursement... Capt. Howard : The department doesn't cover personal property, that's why we drive police cars. Marcus Burnett : [During a gun fight] Sir, we just want to talk. Marcus Burnett : You want to talk? Alright, go ahead, go ahead. Mike Lowery : We're not immigration! Marcus Burnett : [More gunfire] They can't hear you 'coz they still shootin' at you. Marcus Burnett : Look, Mike. Calm down! Mike Lowery : Calm down? I'm calm. I'm calm. Whoaa! Whoa! I am way too unstable for that bullshit! Stop all the goddamn movement! Everybody stop moving. [Mike's way of saying I'm sorry] Mike Lowery : It's a donut. It's a medical thing. I got it from a maternity store. You know, a lot of pregnant women use it. They can put one cheek here and take the pressure off the other. For you, dawg. Marcus Burnett : Thoughtful. Mike Lowery : [Pretending to be drunk] Nigger, who is it at the door? Marcus Burnett : It's Reggie! Mike Lowery : Who the fuck is Reggie? Marcus Burnett : Came to take Megan out. Mike Lowery : [to Reggie] What you want, nigger? Marcus Burnett : Police! Pull over! Stop the car! Mike Lowery : Not your badge, man! He has a gun, shoot him! [after decimating the gang with gunfire] Mike Lowery : Now show 'em your badge! [Top of dead body's head falls off as Marcus touches it's mouth. Marcus is sick] Mike Lowery : That's that bullshit, that's that bullshit. Marcus Burnett : Mike, the motherfuckin head fell off! Mike Lowery : Rodney, I hear there's a boat on fire off the coast of Cuba. Rodney: Don't you think we oughta break international waters to help them out? Mike Lowery : That's my DAWG. [after Mike lifted the sheet covering the dead bimbo in the morgue] Marcus Burnett : Mike, have some dignity! Mike Lowery : What? I ain't doin' nothin'. What am I gonna do with these big-ass fake dead titties? Marcus Burnett : But you're LOOKIN' at them. Mike Lowery : There is something seriously wrong with your brain man Marcus Burnett : Just cover up 'em titties. [Mike walks into the room, wearing a new purple suit] Marcus Burnett : Are you a model or a cop? Mike Lowery : Hey, man, I like lookin' good, that's all. Marcus Burnett : For who? Mike Lowery : Hey man, don't hate the playa, hate the game. Marcus Burnett : Hate the tailor. Mike Lowery : We got a tip that these dope hounders were gonna do a hit on cash or drugs from this big time x-man. Marcus Burnett : That's what they call an ecstacy dealer on the streets. Capt. Howard : Marcus I know what they call them. That's why I'm Captain. Marcus Burnett : My ass stills hurts from what you did to it the other night. Mike Lowery : Hey, it got rough. We got caught up in the moment, shit got crazy. You know how I get. Marcus Burnett : When you popped me from behind I think you damaged some nerves. Mike Lowery : We got a new rule. From now on you can't say the word flacid to me. This is our little 'boundary box'. We're gonna take the word flacid and put it in there with my mom's titties, your erection problems and we gonna close this box and we gonna throw this bitch in the ocean. And the only way that you can get to this box is you gotta be motherfuckin' Jacques Cousteau. Blond Dread: Who that? Who in MY HOUSE? Mike Lowery : It's the Devil! Blonde Dread: The Devil... is not welcome... HEEEEEERRE! Marcus Burnett : Someoneshot me in the ass, man. Mike Lowery : Who shot you in the ass? Marcus Burnett : Who? That who be you. Mike Lowery : Me? I shot you in the ass? I mean, I did a bit of shootin'. I did a lot of shootin'. But I ain't saying I shot you in the ass. Damn! Someone shot you in the ass! Marcus Burnett : Tell me about it. Mike Lowery : [a car flies over, nearly colliding with Mike's Ferrari] WHOOOOO, THAT one puckered up my butt-hole! Mike Lowery : [in a stand off] A bullet in the head will really mess up your extensions! Movie Title: Made in America (1993) as Tea Cake Walters: [Tea Cake Walters is at a sperm bank] Tea Cake Walters : Nurse? I need another cup. Movie Title: I, Robot (2004) as Detective Del Spooner: Lt. John Bergin : We're going to miss the good old days. Detective Del Spooner : What good old days? Lt. John Bergin : When people were killed by other people. Detective Del Spooner : Somehow "I told you so" just doesn't quite say it. Detective Del Spooner : Murder's a new trick for a robot, congratulations. Sonny : I did not murder Dr. Lanning. Detective Del Spooner : Wanna explain why you were hiding at the crime scene? Sonny : I did not murder him. Detective Del Spooner : You were emotional... I don't want my vacuum cleaner, or my toaster appearing emotional... Sonny : [angry] I did not murder him! Detective Del Spooner : That one's called "anger". Detective Del Spooner : Oh, Hell, no! Detective Del Spooner : Does believing you're the last sane man on the planet make you crazy? 'Cause if that's the case, maybe I am. [first lines] Detective Del Spooner : [singing along with Stevie Wonder's "Superstition"] Seven years of bad luck. Detective Del Spooner : [sneezes] ... Sorry, I'm allergic to bullshit. Susan Calvin : Do you ever have a normal day? Detective Del Spooner : Yeah. Once. It was a Thursday. Detective Del Spooner : [to the head of USR] I don't usually do this, but since I'm here, I got a great idea for your next commercial. There's a carpenter, and he builds this beautiful chair. And then a robot comes along and builds a better chair twice as fast, and then it says: "USR. Shittin' on the little guy." Fade out. Susan Calvin : Are you being funny? Detective Del Spooner : I guess not. Farber : Mother, DAMN, Spooner, she just shot at you with her eyes closed. Detective Del Spooner : What the- did you just shoot at me with your eyes closed? Susan Calvin : Well it worked, didn't it? Detective Del Spooner : You are a clever imitation of life... Can a robot write a symphony? Can a robot take a blank canvas and turn it into a masterpiece? Sonny : Can you? Detective Del Spooner : Sonny! Sonny : Yes, detective? Detective Del Spooner : Calvin's okay, save me! Detective Del Spooner : I thought you were dead. Sonny : Technically I was never alive, but thanks for your concern. NS5 Robots : [Jumps on car and tries to steer car out of control] You are experiencing a car accident. Detective Del Spooner : Like hell I am! Detective Del Spooner : Please hold my pie sir. Guy with a Pie : What? -... Detective Del Spooner : Hold it or wear it. It's your choice. Sonny : 2880 steps, Detective. Detective Del Spooner : Do me a favor, keep that kind'o'shit to yourself Detective Del Spooner : Farber, Quit the cussing. Farber : And go home, I got it. Detective Del Spooner : You're the dumbest smart person I've ever met. Susan Calvin : And you're the dumbest dumb person I've ever met. [to VIKI] Detective Del Spooner : You have *so* got to die. Detective Del Spooner : How long is this going to take? Susan Calvin : Six minutes. Detective Del Spooner : What if we didn't have six minutes? Susan Calvin : Then we'd have to find a way to climb down thirty stories and inject the nannites into VIKI. Why? Detective Del Spooner : Because I seriously doubt we have six minutes. Detective Del Spooner : Why didn't you just hand the world over to 'em in on a silver platter? Susan Calvin : Maybe we did. Movie Title: The Legend of Bagger Vance (2000) as Bagger Vance: Bagger Vance : I hear you lost your swing. I guess we got to go find it. Rannulph Junuh : I can't do it, Bagger. It was too long ago! Bagger Vance : No it wasn't. It was just a moment ago. Rannulph Junuh : What were you doing out there? I could have killed you. Bagger Vance : Nah, actually, I positioned myself right in front of you, 'cause from the way your swings were goin', I figured that was the safest place. Rannulph Junuh : Anything else? Bagger Vance : Just bash the living shit out of it. Bagger Vance : Five dollars guaranteed. Rannulph Junuh : This is getting embarassing. Bagger Vance : Oh no sir, this has been embarassing for quite some time. Bagger Vance : Inside each and every one of us is our one, true authentic swing. Something we was born with. Something that's ours and ours alone. Something that can't be learned... something that's got to be remembered. Rannulph Junuh : You a caddy? Bagger Vance : Uh, that depends. You a golfer? Rannulph Junnah : I could have killed you out there. Bagger Vance : Oh no sir, see I set myself directly in front of ya. Judgin' how you were hittin' them balls that's where I figure I'd be out of harms way. |
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