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 Carl Anthony Payne II QuotationMovie Title: Black & White (1998) as Ernie Pitts: Ernie Pitts : You know what they say about broads in uniform, don't you? They are either nymphos, lesbos or psychos! Movie Title: Rock Me Baby (2003) as Carl: Jimmy : You're putting beer in Otis's bottles. Carl : Hey, you're the one who named him after the town drunk from Mayberry. Jimmy : Dude, being a dad changes you. I mean, every time I look down at this little guy I realize that he needs me to take care of him. I've never loved anything so much. Carl : Wow, sounds like being a dad changes you - into a woman. Carl : Man, I hate it when strippers talk about their kids. Carl : Hey, I found this new sports bar where we can watch the game. It's kinda like Hooters only it's for butts. It's called Assies. Jimmy : You're still my partner and my best buddy and I - and I'm watching the Broncos with you. Carl : What about your new gay friend? Jimmy : I'll blow him off. God, I hope this mic isn't on. Jimmy : All gay guys are cool. Carl : Hey, I thought all black guys were cool. Jimmy : No, not since the eighties. Urkel screwed that up for you. Jimmy : All I'm a dad. I can't be doing drugs anymore. Carl : Apparently you don't watch The Osbournes. Jimmy : Smell my breath. Does it smell like pot? Carl : No. Smells like feet and ass. Kevin : Here, I've got some minty breath spray. My breath smells like ass too, but not the good kind. [Jimmy smokes pot but doesn't tell Beth] Carl : As Johnny Cochrane would say, "If you take a hit, you must omit." Carl : Jimmy was just telling me he's gonna get some life insurance. Kind of a Ward Cleaver thing to do, isn't it, Jimmy? Jimmy : Well, Carl, it is my job to protect the Beaver. [Jimmy takes out a million dollar insurance policy on himself] Jimmy : Yeah, I want Beth to be taken care of but, you know, I don't wanna give her too much incentive to have me whacked. Carl : Man, for a million dollars, I'd whack ya. Jimmy : Okay, when you say "whack", you mean "kill", right? Carl : Either way. Jimmy : There probably are a lot of jobs that are tougher than being a mom. What about those guys that have to clean out the port-o-johns from outdoor rock concerts? Carl : I've been in those things. I don't think that job exists. Carl : You took your baby to a cop movie? That's like taking your mother to a porno. Carl : You over here talkin' about me? Cause my ears are burnin. Pam : Must be the Aqua Velva. Carl : I wouldn't be so quick to dis me if I were you, Pam. Pam : You know what, Carl? You're right. I'll dis you more slowly. Goooooo awaayyyy! Carl : I could use a little eye candy in my picture. Pam : Well, I'm sorry, Carl, but you're gonna have to find some other eye candy... 'cause ya ain't gonna lick me. [Otis gives Carl pinkeye] Carl : I wake up this morning with my eye glued to my pillow because you and Beth chose not to inform us that Otis was the host-monkey. Carl : That's just great. Great. Seven hour car ride with a baby. Pop in a John Tesh CD and I'm in Hell. Carl : To me, kids are like musicals. Jimmy : Oh yeah? How's that? Carl : I don't like 'em. Jimmy : I'm pathetic? You own a blowup doll. Carl : Hey, I told you it's not a blowup doll. It's an action figure. Jimmy : So, you seen any action lately? Jimmy : Yeah, well having a wife and child is the most rewarding thing a man can do with his life. Carl : You know she's not here, right? Jimmy : Yeah, but you never know when they're gonna sneak up behind ya. Jimmy : Yeah, the wife meeting the old girlfriend, isn't that in The Bad Idea Hall of Fame? Carl : It's right up there next to mesh condoms. Carl : So is this the place you hung out when you used to dress like Boy George? Jimmy : That was once, alright, for a Halloween party. And I'd appreciate it if you would take the picture off of your screensaver. Jimmy : You know somethin', Carl? The times, they are a-changin'. Carl : Mmm, that's hard to believe when you're quoting a forty year old song. Carl : It's time for us to take a break here on The Core, so if you're in your car, take a minute and pick your nose and pretend no one can see ya. Carl : Where'd you get the sweater? I mean, did Bill Cosby throw up on you? Pam : You know, you're not that bad when you're looking me in the eyes and not the sweater. Carl : You know what? I'm glad you brought that up cause I gotta know. Are they real or, uh, contacts? Pam : Oh, they're definitely real. My vision is 36, 24, 36. Carl : Does everybody in Morocco eat with their hands or did this place run out of silverware? Carl : Hey, you - you have a webcam in your bedroom? Pam : Yeah, I call it the Hot Pam Cam... dot org... dot gasm. Carl : Remember the last time we did a radio-thon, right? Mention a pizza place on air, pizza shows up. Mention a bar, boom, beer shows up. This year, I'm thinking big. I'm going for some clothes, jewelry, home theatre system... Jimmy : Carl, listen, you're gonna have to pretend that this radio-thon is gonna be torture, okay? Carl : Why? Jimmy : Because, man, look I could be the jackhole trying to escape my wife and kid for a few days, or I could be the nice guy forced to sleep on a rooftop for charity. Alright? Which one of those guys do you think gets sympathy sex? Carl : Well, we define commitment differently, y'know. I call her "my girlfriend", she calls me "Carl". [Jimmy and Carl wake up spooning] Carl : How much beer did we drink? Jimmy : Is my hand on your ass? Carl : Yes. Jimmy : Too much! [Jimmy awakens Pam by pulling a sleeping bag off of her, thinking she's Carl] Pam : What? You touch my butt once and you come back for seconds? Carl : Did he grab your butt? Cause he grabbed mine earlier. What's up with you and black booty? [Carl and Pam have sex on a rooftop] Carl : So listen, what we did up here tonight, right, qualifies us for the, uh, 800 foot high club. Pam : Yeah, but I'm already a member - since 1992. Carl : How do you like your steak? Jimmy : Like I like my Childhood Mutism - very rare. Movie Title: Martin (1992) as Cole: Cole : Rent-A-Spoons!! Cole : I'll see you in Hell, Martin! Martin : Yeah, you'll be the only one down there still living with your mother! Martin : Stanks a lot, Pam. Tommy : My mama always told me, if she can't use your comb, don't bring her home! Cole : Tommy, you dated a white girl in college! Tommy : Oh, no, she wasn't white! She was French! Pam : Martin was the one who said Cole was a virgin until he was 23! Cole : He said the stew was so bad, the homeless give it back! Martin : I love the stew, baby! It looked like Alpo, but I loved it! Tommy : Cole. Cole : Yes? Tommy : I want you to testify for me. [Cole and Shanise carry on as if they were in church.] Tommy : I'm talkin' 'bout testifyin' in court, Cole! Cole : That's because you don't have an IQ of 31 like me. Shanise : Don't you mean 13? [leaving a message] Cole : Mom, I don't like it here. I wanna come home and my place is wack! See you later. Oh, and by the way, this is your son, Cole. Martin : Cole, do me a favor. Remind me to give you an ass-whoopin' tomorrow. Cole : [pulls out pen & pad] What time is good for you? Martin : Cole, do me a favor. Cole : What's up? Martin : Remind me to give you an ass-whoopin' later. Cole : [pulls out pen & pad] What time is good for you? Martin : Ummm... how 'bout 6:43? Cole : I'm busy at 6:43... but I'm free at 6:44 though. Martin : Oh, alright. Then at 6:44, I'ma be waitin' on that ass-whoopin'. Martin : Tommy, it's all good. If you like her, then we like her. It don't matter what color she is. I don't care if she's black, white, green, or whatever. Cole : [laughing] Martin, c'mon now! You know you'd be trippin' if Tommy was dating a green girl. Cole : See you later, Pam... my little chocolate ho-ho. Pam : [offended] What did you call me? Tommy : He meant "ring ding"... like the cupcake. [leaving message on answering machine] Cole : Mom, I wanna come back. I'm lonely and my place is wack. Oh, and if you get this message, it's me, Cole. |
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