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 Jim Carrey Quotation"I tend to stay up late, not because I'm partying but because it's the only time of day when I'm alone and I don't have to be on, performing." "Until Ace Ventura, no actor had considered talking through his ass" "It's insane...I mean, Nicholson, Hoffman, Jackson, Kline - I don't see how I can lose." - Regarding his chances at 1997 Golden Globes "I've been dubbed the man most responsible for the dumbing of America, so obviously I don't put much stock into thoughts like (the theme of the 'dumbing down' of contemporary comedy). People love to laugh, and most people can find humor in just about anything, which is great. Trying to label or categorize comedy is ridiculous. I mean, if you laugh at a fart joke, does that make you a moron? I don't think so." "Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches." "That's the trouble with being me. At this point, nobody gives a damn what my problem is. I could literally have a tumor on the side of my head and they'd be like, 'Yeah, big deal. I'd eat a tumor every morning for the kinda money you're pulling down." "I'm charming, but I dip into the Prozac now and then." I don't believe in this fairy tale of staying together for ever. Ten years with somebody is enough. In ten years, you can give a lot of love. That's the trouble with being me. At this point, nobody gives a damn what my problem is. I could literally have a tumor on the side of my head and they'd be like, 'Yeah, big deal. I'd eat a tumor every morning for the kinda money you're pulling down. Movie Title: Simon Birch (1998) as Adult Joe Wenteworth: Adult Joe Wenteworth : Ben Goodrich legally adopted me just two days before my 13th birthday. Not a day that goes by that I don't thank God for bringing him into my life. With Simon's help, I had finally found my real father. Adult Joe Wenteworth : When someone you love dies, you don't lose them all at once. You lose them in pieces over time, like how the mail stops coming. What I remember most to this day was my mother's scent and how I hated it when it began to disappear. First from her closets, then from her dresses she had sewn herself and then finally from her bedsheets and pillow cases. Simon and I never talked much about that day on the baseball field. It was too painful for both of us. For as much as I loved my mother, I knew that Simon loved her just as much. She was the only real mother he ever had. Movie Title: The Truman Show (1998) as Truman / Truman Burbank: [repeated line] Truman : Good morning, and in case I don't see ya, good afternoon, good evening, and good night! Truman Burbank : It was Dad. I swear! Dressed like a homeless man. And you know what else was strange? A business man and a woman with a little dog came out of nowhere and forced him onto a bus. Truman's Mother : Well! It's about time they cleaned up the trash downtown before we become just like the rest of the country. Truman Burbank : Lauren, right? It's on your book. Lauren : Lauren. Right. Right. Truman Burbank : Well, I'm Truman. Lauren : Yeah. I know. Look, Truman, I'm not allowed to talk to you. You know. Truman Burbank : Yeah, well, I can understand, I'm a pretty dangerous character. [Truman attempts to leave his town and a convoy of cars pulls in front of him to block his exit] Truman Burbank : Blocked at every turn. Beautifully synchronized, don't you agree? Meryl : You're blaming me for the traffic? Truman Burbank : Should I? Meryl : Truman, let's go home. Truman Burbank : You're right. We could be stuck here for hours. It could be like this all the way to Atlantic City. Let's go back. I'm sorry. I don't know what got into me. Meryl : Truman, can you slow down? Truman Burbank : Yes, I can. Meryl : Truman. Truman, that's our turnoff. Truman Burbank : I changed my mind. What's New Orleans like this time of year? Mardi Gras, woooooo! Ha ha ha ha ha! Hoo hoo hoo! Whoooohoo! Look, Meryl! Same road, no cars. It's magic! Hahaha! Meryl : You let me out, Truman. You're not right in the head. You want to destroy yourself you do it on your own. Truman Burbank : I think I'd like a little company. Truman Burbank : Somebody help me, I'm being spontaneous! Movie Title: Me, Myself & Irene (2000) as Charlie Baileygates / Hank Evans: Irene P. Waters : Could we get Charlie back here please? Hank Evans : Sure, and while I'm at it, why don't you go climb that telephone pole and take a big steamy piss on the power lines! Look, I'm not here to twist your niblets. I'm here to save your life. But to do that, I'm going to need complete uninanonomonitity. Charlie Baileygates : Now you know the house rules, no bitches after eleven. Charlie Baileygates : Do you people take checks? Limo Driver : Say that again. Do we people take checks? You mean a black man? Charlie Baileygates : No, I mean your company. Limo Driver : Don't give me that backtracking bullshit, that was a racist slur! Chris Rock : Toss my salad, fool what's that? Well having your salad tossed means having your asshole eaten out with jelly or syrup. I prefer syrup. Charlie Baileygates : He's a funny motherfucker! Jamaal : Our daddy may have Advanced delusionary schizophrenia with involuntary narcissistic rage. But he is a very gentle person! Hank Evans : [singing to a heavy metal song] MOTHERFUCKER ROBOT! MOTHERFUCKER ROBOT! MO-MO-MO-MO-MO-MO-MO-MO-MO! [Sees Irene with a lawn dart at the ready] Hank Evans : Whoa, whoa, whoa, [turns off radio] Hank Evans : what's the buzz? Tell me what's happenin'. Hank Evans : Vagiclean," huh? What's the matter, honey? Little extra cheese on the taco? Mrs. Bittman : Excuse me? Hank Evans : No, excuse me. There's no tag on this. [grabs microphone] Hank Evans : Price check on Vagiclean, aisle five. I repeat: price check on Vagiclean, aisle five. That's Vagiclean. We've got a customer down here with a full-on fallopian fungus. She's baking a loaf of bread and I think it's sourdough. [When a guy throws a cigarette butt onto the ground] Hank Evans : Well fuck my ozone. Hank Evans : Hey ringworm... [Softball Player looks around] Hank Evans : Yeah I'm talking to you, you toxic waste of life. You gonna pick that butt up, or do I have to glue it to the end of my shoe and stick it in your big fat pimply a-hole? Softball Player : Hey buddy, chill out. It's just a cigarette. Hank Evans : Oh yeah? Well this is just a fist. But when I start throwing it around I can leave one hell of a mess. Lee Harvey : Hey, Jamaal, just cut my man some slack. Jamaal : Look I'm just trying to help him save face, okay? If he keep asking questions like that, motherfuckers gonna think he stupid. Charlie Baileygates : Hey, morning boys. What's all the commotion? Jamaal : Just school shit and shit. Charlie Baileygates : I never said anything remotely racist! Limo Driver : Oooh, so it's the little people thing, than? Charlie Baileygates : No! Limo Driver : You think just coz I'm small you can just push me around? Well, come on my friend. Let's boogie! I'm gonna give a little lesson in low center of gravity! [Limo Driver chases Charlie] Charlie Baileygates : Hey, cut it! Stop it now, Sir! Limo Driver : Don't patronize me with that 'Sir' crap! Hank Evans : You know, I think you're a very special unit. Irene P. Waters : That's sweet. Hank Evans : I hope we get to know each other better. Irene P. Waters : Yeah, me too. Hank Evans : Do you swallow? [Charlie takes his medication at the Massena Police Station] Irene P. Waters : What are those for? Charlie Baileygates : Oh! It's just this stupid thing. I have to take a pill every six hours or I feel... funny. No big deal. Irene P. Waters : What's it called? Charlie Baileygates : Advanced delusionary schizophrenia with involuntary narcissistic rage. Irene P. Waters : Stay away from me, Hank! I know what you have planned, OK? I saw your so-called "supplies." Hank Evans : Oh... that! I wasn't gonna just... ram it home, you know. I was gonna... lube it up and ease it in there, inch by inch, like a gentleman. Irene P. Waters : I was talking about the shovel and the lime. Charlie Baileygates : Will you stay with me, no matter what? Layla : Of course, Charlie. Charlie Baileygates : Well, what if I had to move to the Arctic and you could never come home and you had to eat whale blubber for the rest of your life, would you still stay with me? Layla : Yeah, I'd stay. But I hope that never happens. [Layla leaves Charlie for the Limo Driver] Charlie Baileygates : But you said you'd eat whale blubber. Limo Driver : She'll be eating blubber alright, just as soon as I free "Willy." Hank Evans : So, what's your tale, Mother Goose? Where ya from? Irene P. Waters : Oh, all over. Hank Evans : Omnipresence. I like that in a woman. Local Man: Hey big guy, did you hear the news? My son Billy got the lead in the high school musical. Hank Evans : Well I guess he likes the cock after all. Hank Evans : The name's Hank, fuck face, learn it! [Dunking little girl in fountain] Charlie Baileygates : You had enough? Little Girl : "I'm gonna tell my daddy on you, Charlie! Charlie Baileygates : Wrong answer. And the names Hank, fuckface. [After escaping Lieutenant Gerke] Irene P. Waters : Calling that cop was unbelievably stupid! Hank Evans : Woa, woa, woa, wooa! Tweak the high end on your emotional EQ, sweetpeak. The funky chicken was Charlie's dance. I'm a tango man myself. Colonel Partington : Charlie, why didn't you take a vacation when Layla left? Charlie Baileygates : Why... why would I? Wives leaves their husbands everyday in this country... It's no reason to short change the department... it's not like I had the flue!... Hank Evans : Well looky here, it's a human Q-tip. Guy on Street : Hey big guy, you hear the news, my son Billy got the lead in his school musical. Hank Evans : Well I guess he likes the cock after all. [A kid with glasses stares mindlessly at Charlie, who then transforms into Hank] Hank Evans : What are you staring at, fuckface? Father: What is your problem? Hank Evans : I got no beef with you. This is between me and the boy. [Whitey and Charlie are laying in bed in a hotel room together] Charlie Baileygates : So, Whitey, what happened to your family? Whitey : I killed them. I hacked them up with a hammer while they were asleep. Ma, Pa, Bro, Sis. She was awake, my sis. I was just released from prison on my 21st birthday. I wasn't ready to leave but they said I had to. Fucked up law huh? [After Hank crashes the guy's car into his shop] Hank Evans : There ya go, buddy. I parked it for ya. And by the way, you got a headlight out. [Puts ticket on the winshield] Irene P. Waters : Does your ass feel low. Charlie Baileygates : [referring to his pills] No. But it can give you unbelievable cotton-mouth. Irene P. Waters : I meant from the ride. Charlie Baileygates : Oh. Oh, yeah. Over the years my ass has taken quite a pounding. Charlie Baileygates : I turn my back for one moment then you stick it up my ass. Literally! Irene P. Waters : For your information, you stuck it in your own ass! Hank Evans : What the hell are you still doing here? Charlie Baileygates : You can't just throw me away, Hank, we're in this together. Hank Evans : Ever been bitch slapped? Irene P. Waters : I never wanted to sleep with you, Hank! Okay, you tricked me! Hank Evans : Yes, I tricked you. It was deceitful, it was disgusting and despicable. But just for once, see it from my side. [shrugs] Hank Evans : I was horny. Hank Evans : I noticed you conveniently left out your eating disorder. Irene P. Waters : I don't have and eating disorder. Hank Evans : Whatever you say, slim. [After Dicky falls on Hank] Hank Evans : Warden. I want my own cell. Charlie Baileygates : Irene? Irene P. Waters : Hmm? Charlie Baileygates : Why am I peeing like I was up all night having sex? Narrator : Well, it seems old Hank had pulled a fast one. Hank Evans : Holy Jesus in heaven! it's a giant Q-tip. Irene P. Waters : Hank! Hank Evans : What? I'm jokin' with the guy. Bringin' a little sunshine into his life. Careful, you'll peel. Irene P. Waters : You should be furious. I just dropped kicked you right in the face. Charlie Baileygates : Hey, it happens. Charlie Baileygates : Well, we can't be calling you Milky if your comin' with us, so what's your name? Whitey : Casper, but my friends call me Whitey. Charlie Baileygates : Uh, okay. Hank Evans : [to Irene] Name's Hank, Hank Evans - for little girls... Hank Evans : Just because I rock doesn't mean I'm made of stone. Hank Evans : Charlie's like origami, he folds under pressure. Hank Evans : What are you staring at fucker? You wanna start me up? Just open the choke and pull the cord, pal. There's gonna be an earthquake and you're dancing on the fault line. Irene P. Waters : Charlie may not have a long one, but he's real good on he up and down game. Hank Evans : What? What the hell is that supposed to mean? Can we just speak English here? Hank Evans : Listen, Pocahontas, unless you put your ear to the ground, you'll never hear the buffalo comin'! Irene P. Waters : Ok, look, I don't know what that means! Movie Title: Man on the Moon (1999) as Tony Clifton / Andy Kaufman: Andy Kaufman : You don't know the real me. Lynne Margulies : There isn't a real you. Andy Kaufman : Oh yeah, I forgot. Andy Kaufman : Since you've all been such good boys and girls, I would like to take everybody in this entire audience out for milk and cookies. There are buses outside. Everybody follow me. Andy Kaufman : I am from Caspiar, an Island in the Caspian Sea. It sunk. Tony Clifton : So... ya wanna see Andy? Anybody gotta flashlight and a couple of shovels? Lynne Margulies : So, you just pretend to be an asshole. Andy Kaufman : It's what I'm good at. Movie Title: The Majestic (2001) as Peter Appleton: Peter Appleton : I can't stand the constant nagging. I'm leaving you, Jerry. I'm leaving you - and I'm taking the monkey with me. Adele : Do you remember me? Peter Appleton : I'll sure try. Congressman Doyle : Who did you go as? Peter Appleton : A horny young man. Peter Appleton : I thought this was a democracy. Leo Kubelsky : The Declaration of Independence, the Constitution, they're all just pieces of paper with signatures on them. And you know what a paper of paper with a signature is, a contract. Something that can be renegotiated at any time. Just so happens that the House un-American activities committee is renegotiating the contract this time around. Next time it will be somebody else, but it will always be somebody. Bob Leffert : I knew Luke Trimble. I didn't like him much. Not saying he's a bad guy. Just rubbed me the wrong way. You know that feelin'? Somebody rubs you the wrong way, and you can't even explain why? You kinda rub me that way. Not that it makes you Luke. So, I wanna know is what kinda game are you runnin'? Who are you really? Peter Appleton : Just a guy trying to figure things out. Bob Leffert : This town's had enough heartbreak. Too much. Me, I think you're settin' everybody up for more. I hope I'm wrong. I haven't had to kill anybody since the war. Movie Title: Batman Forever (1995) as Edward Nygma / The Riddler: The Riddler : Joygasm! The Riddler : Riddle me this, what sort of a man has bats on the brain? The Riddler : Riddle me this, riddle me that, who's afraid of the big, black bat? The Riddler : For if knowledge is power, then a GOD AM *I*! [pauses] The Riddler : Was that over the top? I can never tell. The Riddler : You should have let me in on this. We could have planned it, prepared it, pre-sold the movie rights! The Riddler : Tell the fat lady she's on in five. The Riddler : Now the real game begins! The Riddler : [To Two Face after Batman shows up] Your entrance was good... his was better. The difference: showmanship. The Riddler : This is your brain on the box. This is my brain on the box. Does anybody else feel like a fried egg? The Riddler : [after being defeated] Why? Why can't I kill you? Too many questions. Too many questions. Batman : Poor Edward. I had to save them both. You see, I'm both Bruce Wayne and Batman. Not because I have to be. Now... because I choose to be. [holds out his hand. The Riddler backs away as he sees a bat] The Riddler : AAAAHHH! AHHHHGH! AAAAGH! [Stops Two Face killing Batman] The Riddler : Don't kill him! If you kill him, he won't learn nothin'! [After shooting down the Batplane] The Riddler : I hope they can find the little black box. The Riddler : Like the jacket? It keeps me safe when I'm... jogging at night! [Chase has told the Riddler that Batman will come for her] The Riddler : Batman? Batman, you say? Coming for you? I'm... [shouting] The Riddler : counting on it! [Two-Face's Lair] The Riddler : Love what you've done with the place. Heavy Metal meets House and Garden. Edward Nygma : [To Two-face] Your entrance was good. His was even better. Dr. Chase Meridian : [talking to the shadow] ) Edward, who is Batman? Edward Nygma : Won't tell ya' if you don't say please! Dr. Chase Meridian : Edward, please. Who is batman? Edward Nygma : [jumping out] I'M BATMAN [are trying to sink Robin's boat] Two Face : B12! The Riddler : Hit! And my favorite vitamin might I add. [hit boss on head with coffee canister] Edward Nygma : Caffeine will KILL YA! Movie Title: Ace Ventura: Pet Detective (1994) as Ace Ventura: Melissa : Hi, I'm Melissa Robinson. Ace Ventura : Pleasure to meet you. Melissa : Did you have any trouble getting in? Ace Ventura : No, the guy with the rubber glove was surprisingly gentle. Dan Marino : Hey Ace, got anymore of that gum? Ace Ventura : That's none of your damn business and I'll thank you to stay out of my personal affairs. Ace Ventura : If I'm not back in five minutes... just wait longer. Ace Ventura : I have a package for you, sir. Man : Sounds broken. Ace Ventura : Most likely; I bet it was something nice, though. Ace Ventura : Yo, Ron. Where's the bathroom? Ronald Camp : Right over there. Ace Ventura : [groaning] I think it's the pate. Stuff probably looks better on the way out. Ronald Camp : I'll have the plumbing checked immediately, Mr. Ace. Ace Ventura : See that you do. If I'd been drinking out of the toilet, I might've been killed. [Aguado stomps on a cockroach to provoke Ventura] Aguado : Homicide, Ventura. Now how ya gonna solve that one? Ace Ventura : Good question, Aguado. First, I'd establish a motive. In this case the killer saw the size of the bug's DICK and became insanely jealous. Then I'd lose 40 pounds... PORKIN' his wife. [Ace Ventura is trying to get his car started, while looking at somebody smashing it with a bat in his mirror] Ace Ventura : Warning. Assholes are closer than they appear. [Ace Ventura just got his car started] Ace Ventura : It's ALIVE. IT'S ALIVE. Ace Ventura : I just visited Ray Finkle's place. Melissa : And? Ace Ventura : Cozy, if you're Hannibal Lecter. Melissa : You know, you're just mad because your stupid little pebble theory didn't work out and you don't know how to express your anger. Ace Ventura : Oh yeah? And you're ugly. Lois Einhorn : Listen, pet dick. How would you like me to make your life a living hell? Ace Ventura : Well, I'm not really ready for a relationship, Lois, but thank you for asking. Hey, maybe I'll give you a call sometime. Your number's still 911? All righty then. Melissa : You really love animals, don't you? Ace Ventura : If it gets cold enough. Ace Ventura : I'm looking for Ray Finkle. [A shotgun cocks and is pointed at his head] Ace Ventura : ...and a clean pair of shorts. Mr. Finkle : What do you know about Ray Finkle? [Ace sucks in a huge breath of air] Ace Ventura : Soccer style kicker graduated from Cauler high June 1976, Stetson University honors graduate class of 1980, holds 2 NCAA division 1 records one for most points in a season, one for distance, former nickname "The Mule," The first and only pro athlete to come out of Cauler County and one hell of a model American. Mr. Finkle : Are you another one of those "Hard Copy" guys? Ace Ventura : No Sir, I'm just a very big Finkle fan, This is my Graceland. Lois Einhorn : Ventura, when I get out of that bathroom, you better be gone. Ace Ventura : Is it number one or number two? I just want to know how much time I have. [Ventura knocks on the door] Woodstock : What's the password? Ace Ventura : New England clam chowder. Woodstock : Is that the red or the white? Ace Ventura : Ah, I can never remember that. White. [Door opens] Ace Ventura : Yes. Mr. Shickadance : Ventuuurrraaa. Ace Ventura : Yes, Satan? Oh, I'm sorry, sir. You sounded like someone else. Mr. Shickadance : Never mind the wisecracks, Ventura... [coughs in Ace's face] Mr. Shickadance : ... you owe me rent. Ace Ventura : Mr. Shickadance, I told you - you're my first priority. I'm on a very big case right now. Check this out. [shows him a flyer] Ace Ventura : That's a true Albino pigeon. Some rich guy lost it. He's offering a $25,000 reward. As soon as I find this bird, you're paid. Mr. Shickadance : I heard animals in there, Ventura. I heard 'em again this mornin' scratchin' around. Ace Ventura : I never bring my work home with me, sir. Mr. Shickadance : Oh yeah? What's all this pet food for? Ace Ventura : Fiber. Melissa : Ace, Where are you? Ace Ventura : I'm in Psychoville and Finkle's the Mayor. [Lt. Einhorn is pointing a gun at Ace's head] Ace Ventura : [begging] Please don't kill me. I'll never tell anyone. Kill him, he's the one you want. Dan Marino : No, no kill him. Ace Ventura : No kill him. He held the ball wrong, remember? Come on, look at the guy. [Lt. Einhorne shoots into the air] Dan Marino : Whimp. Ace Ventura : Jock. Dan Marino : Cry-baby. Ace Ventura : Muscle-head. Lois Einhorn : SHUT UP. Ace Ventura : [as Captain Kirk] Captain's Log, stardate 29.6, rounded off to the... nearest decimal point. We've... traveled back in time to save an ancient species from... total annihilation. SO FAR... no... signs of aquatic life anywhere, but I'm going to find it. If I have to tear this universe another black hole, I'm going to find it. I've... GOT TO, MISTER. Ace Ventura : [with a German accent] How can I be getting zis vork done mit all de shouting? Reporters: Who's That? Ace Ventura : Heinskitz Velvet. I am trainer of dolphins. You want to talk to de dolphin, you talk to me. Reporter: What happened to the other trainer? Ace Ventura : Vat happened to him? Vat happened to me? Seven years I am mit Siegfried. (He holds up only four fingers) Ve are making de dolphins disappear, und den Roy is coming mit de vite tiger und ze shtuffing in de pants und den I'm gone. Second Reporter: [Skeptically] Where is Snowflake? Ace Ventura : Why do you care about de dolphin? Do you know him? Does he call you at home? DO YOU HAVE A DORSAL FIN? Roger Podacter : Let's got to that conference and let, uh, Heinz do his work? Ace Ventura : [Shooing reporters] Go to de conference, go to it. Ace Ventura : This is double-paned sound-proof glass. There is no way that neighbor could've heard Roger Podacter scream on the way down with that door shut. The scream she heard came from inside the apartment before he was thrown over the balcony and the murderer closed the door before he left. Yes. Yes. Oh, yeah. Can ya feel that, buddy? Huh? Huh? Huh? [mimics southern evangelist minister] Ace Ventura : I have exorcised the demons... this house is clear. [Ace Ventura, bending over and talking from his behind] Ace Ventura : Excuse me sir, but do you have a mint? Perhaps some Banaca? Lois Einhorn : What would you know about pressure. Ace Ventura : Well, I have kissed a man. Ace Ventura : [bending over and talking from his behind] Excuse me, may I... ASS you a few questions? Emilio : This is not the time, Ace. If Einhorn catches me talking to you or your ass I'm gonna be in trouble. Ace Ventura : [to Lt. Einhorn] Whew... now I feel better. 'Course, that might not do any good you see nobody's missing a porpoise. It's a dolphin that's been taken. The common harbor porpoise has an abrupt snout, pointed teeth and a triangular thoracic fin. While the bottlenose dolphin, or Tursiops truncates, has an elongated beak, round cone shaped teeth and a serrated dorsal appendage. But I'm sure you already knew that. That's what turns me on about 'cha, your attention to detail. [Ace sees Lieutenant Einhorn approaching] Ace Ventura : Holy testicle Tuesday. Lois Einhorn : What the hell is he doing here? Ace Ventura : I came to confess. I was the second gunman on the grassy knoll. Ace Ventura : Holy testicle Tuesday. Ace Ventura : She gets flooded, we'll just have to wait a second. [suddenly the dog thief appears and smashes the back windshield with a baseball bat] Ace Ventura : Or we could try it now. Ace Ventura : WOW., Ray Finkle's house, I can't wait to meet him Mr. Finkle : Ray ain't coming home Ace Ventura : But your wife said you expect him home any minute Mr. Finkle : She expects him home any minute, see the engine's running but there's nobody behind the wheel. Eight years ago our son escaped from Shady Acres Mental Hospital in Tampa, and they're still bugging us to pick up his stuff. Ace Ventura : Hi-ho Silver! Away! Movie Title: Liar Liar (1997) as Fletcher: [After sex] Miranda : Ummm that was incredible. Was it good for you? Fletcher : I've had better. Fletcher : You scratched my car! Motorpool Guy: Where? Fletcher : [indicating with his hands] Right there! Motorpool Guy: OH... That was already there. Fletcher : You - -LIAR! You know what I am going to do about this? Motorpool Guy: what? Fletcher : Nothing! Because if I take it to small claims court, it will just drain 8 hours out of my life and you probably won't show up and even if I got the judgment you'd just stiff me anyway; so what I am going to do is piss and moan like an impotent jerk, and then bend over and take it up the tailpipe! Motorpool Guy: [tossing the keys to Fletcher] You've been here before haven't ya? Judge Stevens : Mr. Reede, one more word out of you, and I will hold you in contempt! Fletcher : I hold *myself* in contempt! Why should you be any different? Cop : Do you know why I pulled you over? Fletcher : Depends on how long you were following me. Cop : Let's start from the top. Fletcher : Here it goes: I sped. I followed too closely. I ran a stop sign. I almost hit a Chevy. I sped some more. I failed to yield at a crosswalk. I changed lanes at an intersection. I changed lanes without signaling while running a red light and SPEEDING! Cop : Is that all? Fletcher : No... I have unpaid parking tickets. Max Reede : Is wrestling real? Fletcher : In the Olympics, yes. On channel 23, no. Secretary: He knocked over another ATM. This time at knife point. He needs your legal advice. Fletcher : [picking up phone and shouting] Stop breaking the law, asshole! Bum: Sir, can you spare a little change? Fletcher : Yes I could. Bum: Well, will you? Fletcher : No. Bum: Why not? Fletcher : Because I believe you will buy booze with it. I just want to get from the car to my office without being confronted by the decay of western society. Plus I'm cheap. Receptionist: Do you like my new dress? Fletcher : What ever takes the focus off your head! Fletcher : You don't believe me, do ya? Greta : Of course not. Fletcher : How ironic! Fletcher : The pen is blue, the pen is blue, the goddamn pen is blue! Max Reede : If I keep making this face... will it get stuck like that? Fletcher : Uh uh. As a matter of fact, some people make a very good living that way. Fletcher : Your honor, I object! Judge : Why? Fletcher : Because it's devastating to my case! Judge : Overruled. Fletcher : Good call! Guy in the Washroom : What the hell are you doing? Fletcher : I'm kicking my ass! Do you mind? Office Worker : Hey, Fletcher, how's it hanging? Fletcher : [groans] Short, shriveled, and always to the left. Fletcher : You brought your kids to your court hearing? Samantha : Sympathy. Fletcher : Well, it's working! I feel sorry for them already! Fletcher : I'm so glad my gift could bring them closer together. My plan to phase myself out is almost complete! Secretary: A couple years ago my friend had a burglar on her roof, a burglar. He fell through the kitchen skylight, landed on a butcher's knife cutting his leg. The burglar sued my friend and HE WON! My friend had to pay the burglar $6,000. Is that justice? Fletcher : No. I'da got him ten. Fletcher : Mrs. Cole, the only problem here is that after you've provided years of faithful service and loving support raising his children - They are his? Samantha : Oh yeah. One for sure. Fletcher : After all that, your husband wants to deny you a fair and equitable share of the marital assets based on one single act of indiscretion. Samantha : Seven. Fletcher : Beg your pardon? Samantha : Seven single acts of indiscretion. Fletcher : SEVEN! acts of indiscretion, only one of which he has any evidence and all of which he himself is responsible for. Max Reede : My teacher tells me beauty is on the inside. Fletcher : That's just something ugly people say. Fletcher : Why don't you go play in the office a minute. Sue someone for everything they've got. Audrey : Where were you? Fletcher : Having sex. Audrey : Well, I hope it was with someone VERY special. Fletcher : No, see - that's the thing... I don't even like her, but she's a partner and I thought I could help my career by making her squeal. Driver : What's your problem, Schmuck! Fletcher : I'm an inconsiderate prick! Fletcher : Jerry, enjoy my wife. Fletcher : I was hoping after being married to me you'd have no more strength left. Audrey : Well, you have to remember that when we were married, I wasn't having sex nearly as often as you were. Gretta : Oh and your wife called, she wants know when you're gonna pick up Max from school. Fletcher : Oh, I'm such a shit! Fletcher : Weight: 105, yeah, in your bra. Dana : Your honor i object! Fletcher : You would! Dana : BASTARD! Fletcher : HAG! Fletcher : You lied about your age to make yourself older, but why would any woman WANNA DO THAT? Samantha : I changed it so I could get married. Fletcher : AND THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE! Fletcher : The fact that my client has been ridden more than Seattle Slew is irrelevant. [About Mr. Allen] Miranda : Well, what do you think of him? Fletcher : He's a pedantic, pontificating, pretentious bastard, a pathetic old fart and a worthless steaming pile of cow dung, figuratively speaking. [a moment passes and Mr. Allen starts laughing] Mr. Allen : That's the funniest damn thing I've ever heard. You're a real card, Reede. I love a good roast. Do Simmons. Fletcher : Simmons is old. He should've been out of the game years ago but he can't stay home because he hates his wife. You've met her at the Christmas parties, she's the one that gets plastered and calls him a retard, and you, Tom; you're the biggest brownnose I've ever seen. You've got your head so far up Mr. Allen's ass, I can't tell where you end and he begins. (Fletcher continues with every member.) You have bad breath caused by gingivitis. You couldn't get a porn star off. Your hairpiece looks like something that got killed crossing the highway. I don't know whether to comb it or scrape it off with a shovel and bury it in lyme. Loser! Idiot! Wimp! Degenerate! SLUT! Police Officer: I found him like this in the bathroom, your honor. Somebody beat the hell out of him! Judge : Who did this? Fletcher : A mad man, your honor, a desperate fool at the end of his pitiful ropes. Judge : What did he look like? Fletcher : Uhh... About 6'2", 180lbs. big teeth, kinda gangly. [While hearing Mrs. Cole perform sex on an audio cassette] Fletcher : Your honor, how they prove that the voice on that tape is not Mr. Cole himself? Samantha : [voice on tape] You're a much better lover than my husband. Busty Woman on Elevator : Everyone's been so nice to me. Fletcher : Well thats cause you've got big jugs. I... I mean your boobs are huge. I mean, I want to squeeze them. I... ma ma. [puckers up] Judge Stevens : How are we this morning, Counselor? Dana : Fine, thank you. Judge Stevens : And how about you, Mr. Reede? Fletcher : I'm a little upset about a bad sexual episode I had last night. [Shocked pause] Judge Stevens : Well, you're young. It'll happen more and more. In the meantime, what do you say we get down to business? [The lights turn on after Max makes a wish and blows out the candles] Max Reede : Mom? Dad? [Audrey and Fletcher are kissing] Fletcher : MAX? Did you wish for your mom and I to get back together again? Max Reede : No. I wished for rollerblades! Audrey : Uh... wanna cut the cake... Dad? Fletcher : I would love to... but I have this horrible pain in my arm... Audrey : Oh no... run ITS THE CLAW! Fletcher : NOTHING CAN STOP THE CLAWWWW! [the court erupts] Judge Stevens : Order! Order! ORDER! Fletcher : [to crowd] Knock it off! Judge Stevens : SIT DOWN, MR. REEDE! [Fletcher is on the phone with his mother] Fletcher : [listens for a moment] Because I didn't want to talk to you! [pauses, listening] Fletcher : Because I'm sick of hearing you talk about Dad's bowel movements; size, frequency, COLOR. Fletcher : Your honor, would the court be willing to grant me a short bathroom break? Judge : Can't it wait? Fletcher : Yes it can. But I've heard that if you hold it you could damage the prostate gland, making it very difficult to get an erection, or even become aroused! Judge : Is that true? Fletcher : It has to be! Judge : In that case I'd better take a quick break myself. [one of the outtakes at the end of the film] Dana : Your honor, I object! Fletcher : You would! Dana : OVERACTOR! Fletcher : Jezebel... [entire courtroom falls about laughing] Fletcher : Oh no, they're on to me... Fletcher : Wow! That was a nice image [makes typing noise] Fletcher : DELETED! Fletcher : Audrey, good news, both my legs are broken so they can't take me straight to jail. Movie Title: Peggy Sue Got Married (1986) as Walter Getz: Walter Getz : The best thing about being a dentist. Pure pharmaceutical grade. Couple of lines of this, I could drill my own teeth. Movie Title: Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls (1995) as Ace: Ace : Meeting with sinister types much? A not too much, a much too much. Ace : There's someone on the wing! Some... THING! I'm sorry, were you saying something? Ace : The urine stain on your pants signifies that you are a single-shake man, far too busy for the follow-up jiggle. Ace : Friends, rodents, quadrupeds, lend me your rears! Ace : I'll have you know that I have the reflexes of a cat and the speed of a mongoose. Throw it. I DARE YOU! Ace : It is the mucus that binds us. Ace : Your request is not unlike your lower intestine: stinky and loaded with danger. [spying, sitting in a mechanical rhino] Ace : Pretty hot in these rhinos... [Ace is chasing the villain with a monster truck] Ace : Nobody wants to play with me! Ace : Guano bowls! Collect the whole set... Ace : What did he just say? Fulton Greenwall : He said that she is not a virgin. Ace : They can tell that? Ace : Where iz zhe bat? Ace : Die you bewinged spawn of Satan! Fulton Greenwall : Bumbawe Atuna... Bumbawe Atuna... Ace : Bumblebee tuna! Bumblebee tuna! Excuse me... Your balls are showing... [smiles] Ace : Bumblebee tuna! Ace : OK all looks good, you know, you never really know until you check things out yourself. Fulton Greenwall : Well aren't you going to go investigate? Ace : ITS DARK IN THERE... I MIGHT FALL INTO A PRECIPICE! Ouda : Here you go [hands him torch] Ace : [gives look] Spank you, Helpy Helperton... Ace : Greenwall, hit the lights! The switch on the wall beside you! Go for it!... Flick it, QUICK! [Greenwall does nothing] Ace : Okay, shall we go to jail? Ace : Yes, how selfish of me. Let's do all the things that YOU wanna do. Ace : Can you feel it, Captain Compost? Ace : Ace Ventura, Pet Detective. And you must be the Monopoly guy! [whispering] Ace : Thanks for the free parking! Ace : Isn't this incredible? It's gonna be some kind of a record! Everyone loves a Slinky, you gotta get a Slinky, Slinky, Slinky, go Slinky go! Ace : If you were me then I'd be you and I'd use your body to get to the top. You can't stop me no matter who you are! Quinn : Something wrong, Mr.Ventura? Ace : Of course not, this is a lovely room of death. Ace : [holding a skunk, imitating Tony Montana in Scarface] Say hello to my STINKY little friend! [lifts the skunk's tail] Ace : That's a lovely fur you're wearing. Perhaps I could find you some slippers made from the skins of innocent and defenseless baby seals! Ace : Cadby, from the consulate, right? This is weird! Ace : That's what you slipped in! That's what was on your shoe! AND THAT EXPLAINS THE ABRASION ON YOUR PALM! Damn I'm good! Fulton Greenwall : You must be very proud, Ace. Ace : Pride is an abomination. One must forego the self to obtain total spiritual creaminess, and avoid the chewy chunks of degredation. Movie Title: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004) as Joel Barish / 4-Year-Old Joel / Joel: Joel : Constantly talking isn't necessarily communicating. Clementine : This is it, Joel. It's going to be gone soon. Joel : I know. Clementine : What do we do? Joel : Enjoy it. [Clementine and Joel have broken into an empty house on the Montauk beach] Joel : I think we should go. Clementine : No, it's our house! Just tonight... [she looks at an envelope on the counter] Clementine : ...we're David and Ruth Laskin. Which one do you want to be? I'd like to be Ruth, but I can be flexible. Joel : Is there any risk of brain damage? Howard : Well, technically speaking, the operation is brain damage, but on a par with a night of heavy drinking. Nothing you'll miss. Clementine : You know me, I'm impulsive. Joel : That's what I love about you. Joel : Can you hear me? I don't want this anymore! I want to call it off! Joel : Sand is overrated. It's just tiny, little rocks. [Clementine is trying to comfort baby Joel by showing him her crotch] Clementine : My crotch is still here, just as you remembered it. Joel : Yuck! Joel : [narration as Clementine acknowledges him by raising her coffee mug] Why do I fall in love with every woman I see that shows me the least bit of attention? Clementine : Joel, I'm not a concept. Too many guys think I'm a concept or I complete them or I'm going to make them alive, but I'm just a fucked up girl who is looking for my own peace of mind. Don't assign me yours. Joel : I remember that speech really well. Clementine : I had you pegged, didn't I? Joel : You had the whole human race pegged. Clementine : Probably. Joel : I still thought you were going to save me. Even after that. Joel : I could die right now, Clem. I'm just... happy. I've never felt that before. I'm just exactly where I want to be. Joel : This is working like gangbusters. [looking at the letter from Lacuna, Inc] Joel : What is it? Rob : I don't know, it's a place that does a thing... [as Joel and Clementine eat out, he thinks about the other glum-looking couples in the restaurant:] Joel : Are we like couples you see in restaurants? Are we the dining dead? Clementine : Joely? What if you stay this time? Joel : I walked out the door. There's no memory left. Clementine : Come back and make up a goodbye at least, let's pretend we had one... Goodbye, Joel. Joel : ...I love you... Clementine : ...Meet me in Montauk... Joel : Wait. Clementine : Why? Joel : I don't know. Just wait... for a while. Joel Barish : Pages ripped out. Don't remember doing that. It appears this is my first entry in two years. [Clementine is leading Joel out onto the frozen Charles River] Joel : I don't know. What if it breaks? Clementine : What if? Do you really care right now? Joel : Look at it out here, it's all falling apart. I'm erasing you and I'm happy! Joel : By morning, you'll be gone. Joel : Where's the self help section? Joel : Mierzwiak! Please let me keep this memory, just this one. Joel : I can't remember anything without you. Clementine : That's sweet, but try. Joel : My God, there's people coming out of your butt. Joel : I don't see anything I don't like about you. Clementine : But you will! But you will, and I'll get bored with you and feel trapped, because that's what happens with me. Joel : Okay. [last lines] Clementine : Okay. Joel : Okay. Clementine : Look, I'm sorry if I came off a little nutso, I'm not really. Joel : That's okay, I didn't think you were. Clementine : Let me show you something... come on... Joel : I think I heard a crack. Clementine : It's not gonna crack, or break, or... it's so thick!... Show me which constellations you know. Joel : Um... oh... I don't... know any. Clementine : Show me which ones you know! Joel : Okay... okay... oh! There's Osidius. Clementine : Where? Joel : Right there... see? Sort of a swoop and a cross, Osidius Emphatic. Clementine : You're full of shit, right? Joel : Nope. Osidius, right there, swoop and cross. Clementine : Shut the fuck up! Clementine : I'm gonna marry you... I know it! Joel : Ummm... okay... Clementine : Look, I'm sorry if I came off a little nutso, I'm not really. Joel : That's okay, I really didn't think you were. Joel : I'm so ashamed. Clementine : It's okay, you're a little kid. Clementine : Look man, I'm telling you right off the bat I'm high maintenance. So I'm not gonna tip-toe around your marriage or whatever it is ya got goin' on there. If you wanna be with me, you're with me. Joel : Okay. [4-year-old Joel watches his mother leave the room] 4-Year-Old Joel : I really want her to pick me up. It's amazing how strong that feeling is. Joel : Valentine's Day is a holiday invented by greeting card companies to make people feel like crap. Clementine : I wish you'd stayed. Joel : I wish I'd stayed, too. NOW I wish I'd stayed. I wish I'd done a lot of things. I wish I'd... I wish I'd stayed... I do. Joel : I love being bathed in the sink - such a feeling of security. Clementine : I've never seen you happier, baby Joel. Clementine : You married? Joel : No. Clementine : Let's move into this neighborhood! Joel : I do sorta live with someone though. Clementine : Male or female? Joel : What? Female... female... Clementine : At least I'm not barking up the wrong tree! [Patrick knocks on Joel's car window while parked in front of Clem's apartment] Joel : Yes? Patrick : Can I help you? Joel : What do you mean? Patrick : Can I help you with something? Joel : No. Patrick : What are you doing here? Joel : I'm not really sure what you're asking. Patrick : Oh, thanks... Clementine : You're not a stalker, or anything, right? Joel : I'm not a stalker. YOU'RE the one that talked to me, remember? Clementine : That is the oldest trick in the stalker book. Joel : Really? There's a stalker book? Great, I gotta read that one." Clementine : You like? To match my sweatshirt, exactly. Joel : Ahaaahhhhh! Ohhhhhh! I like it! Clementine : You do? Joel : You look like a tangerine! Clementine : Hmmm, Clementine the tangerine. Joel : Juicy... 'n seedless. Clementine : I like that. [Joel calls Clem on the telephone] Clementine : What took you so long? Joel : I just walked in. Clementine : Do you miss me? Joel : Oddly enough, I do! Clementine : You said 'I do', I guess that means we're married! Joel : I guess so! Carrie : I saw you talking to someone pretty! Rob : Yeah, man, who was that? Joel : She was... just a girl. Clementine : What are you, NUTS? Joel : It's been suggested. Joel : I think your name is magical. Joel : I had a really nice time last night. Clementine : Nice? Joel : I had the best fucking night of my entire fucking life, last night! Clementine : Thaaaat's better! Clementine : Joely, don't ever leave me. Joel : You're pretty... you're pretty... pretty... Movie Title: The Mask (1994) as Stanley Ipkiss / The Mask / Mask: Mask : Hold on, Sugar! Daddy's got a sweet tooth tonight! [After being shot] Mask : Hold me closer Ed, it's getting dark. Tell Auntie Em to let Old Yeller out, [cough cough] Mask : , tell Tiny Tim I won't be coming home this Christmas, (cough cough), tell Scarlett I do give a damn, (cough, cough) [he dies, an audience applauds] Mask : Thank you, you love me, you really love me! [The Mask, standing in front of a mirror, in the process of going out to a club] The Mask : It's party time. P, A, R, T. Why? Because I gotta! [Stanley attempts to get his dog to steal the keys from the sleeping guard] Stanley Ipkiss : No Milo, not the "cheese"... The "keys"! The Mask : Our love is like a red, red rose... and I am a little thorny. The Mask : [innocently] No! It wasn't me! It was the One-Armed Man! [Pulls out a condom in front of a bunch of thugs] The Mask : Sorry, wrong pocket. [in a thick French accent] The Mask : Hello Cherie. We meet again. Is it fate? Is it meant to be? Is it written in the stars that we are destined to fraternize? [Normal voice] The Mask : I'd like to think so. Ha, ha ha! Alley Punk: Hey, mister! You got the time? The Mask : As a matter of fact I do, Cubby. [pulls out watch] The Mask : LOOK AT THAT! It's about two seconds before I honk your nose and pull your underwear over your head! The Mask : SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSMOKIN! The Mask : Ooh, somebody stop me! Lieutenant Mitch Kellaway : Somebody STOLE your pajamas? Stanley Ipkiss : I mean, uh, what is this world coming to when a man's... *pajama drawer* is no longer safe? [Lt. Mitch Kellaway finds a picture of his wife in the Mask's pocket] Lieutenant Mitch Kellaway : Margaret! Why you son of a bitch! The Mask : Jeez, I figured you'd have a sense of humor; after all... YOU MARRIED HER! Cop: A bazooka? The Mask : I have a permit for that. Bank Manager: Ipkiss! We have a crisis on our hands and you stroll in over an hour late... Stanley Ipkiss : Back off monkey-boy, or I'll tell your daddy you're running this place like you're own personal piggie-bank or maybe I should call the IRS and arrange a little vacation for you at club FED! Bobby: Uh, are you on the list? The Mask : Noooo. But I believe my friends are. Perhaps you know them. [He takes thousands of dollars out of his pocket] The Mask : Franklin, Grant, and... Jackson? The Mask : Look Ma, I'm roadkill! [the mask pulls out his guns] The Mask : [in Clint Eastwood voice] You gotta ask yourself one question. "Do I feel lucky?" Well do ya? Punks! [Mrs.Peenman has just stormed into her flat and slammed the door on Stanley] Stanley Ipkiss : [Angrily] Aren't you due back at the lab to have your bolts tightened. [Thugs shoot at the Mask] The Mask : Did you miss me? [Takes a drink, and the liquid pours out through holes in his body] The Mask : I GUESS NOT! [Tyrell and Ipkiss are fighting at the club] Dorian Tyrell: I'm gonna take you apart. Stanley Ipkiss : Well, I hope you can enjoy the victory with one freakin' eye! [Ipkiss pokes Tyrell in the eye] The Mask : Je t'adore. Je t'window. I don't care! Stanley Ipkiss : [explaining how The Mask works] It's like it brings your innermost desires to life. If deep down you're a little repressed, and a hopeless romantic, you become some kind of love-crazy wild man. Tina Carlyle : And if you're someone like Dorian? Stanley Ipkiss : Then we're all in big trouble. Tina Carlyle : [about Dorian, with the mask] He's going to the charity ball tonight. He's gonna do something terrible. Stanley Ipkiss : Like what, the Lumbada? Movie Title: Finders Keepers (1984) as Lane Biddlecoff: Lane Biddlecoff : I wouldn't have deserted if you had kept me out of the draft. Frizzoli: What draft? YOU ENLISTED! Movie Title: How the Grinch Stole Christmas (2000) as Grinch's Answering Machine / The Grinch: The Grinch : That's what it's all about, isn't it? That's what it's always been ABOUT! Gifts, gifts... gifts, gifts, gifts, gifts, gifts! You wanna know what happens to yor gifts? They all come to me. In your garbage. You see what I'm saying? In your GARBAGE! I could hang myself with all the bad Christmas neckties I found at the dump. And the avarice... THE AVARICE NEVER ENDS! "I want golf clubs. I want diamonds. I want a pony so I can ride it twice, get bored and sell it to make glue!" Look, I don't wanna make waves, BUT this WHOLE Christmas season is STUPID, STUPID, STUPID! The Grinch : Those Whos are hard to frazzle, Max. But, we did our worst, and that's all that matters. The Grinch : Blast this Christmas music! It's joyful and triumphant. The Grinch : Hate, hate, hate. Hate, hate, hate. Double Hate! LOATHE ENTIRELY! The Grinch : What's that stench? It's fantastic! The Grinch : Are you having a holly, jolly Christmas? Cindy Lou Who : Santa, don't forget the Grinch. I know he's mean and hairy and smelly, and his hands are cold and clammy, but I think he's kinda... sweet. The Grinch : SWEET!... You think he's sweet? [Cindy runs upstairs] The Grinch : Cute kid, bad judge of character. The Grinch : MAX! HELP ME... I'm FEELING! [Hurtling toward Whoville] The Grinch : I'm gonna die! I'm gonna throw up, then I'm gonna die! The Grinch : Jury duty, jury duty, jury duty, blackmail, pink slip, chain letter, eviction notice, jury duty! The Grinch : Any calls? Grinch's Answering Machine : [computer voice] You have no messages. The Grinch : Odd. Better check the outgoing. Grinch's Answering Machine : [Grinch's voice] If you utter so much as one syllable, I'll hunt you down and gut you like a fish! If you'd like to fax me, press the star key. The Grinch : Hmm. Hmm! Cindy Lou Who : Santa, what's the meaning of Christmas? The Grinch : VENGEANCE! I mean... presents, I suppose. The Grinch : Oh, the Who-manity! Narrator : The Who's young and old would sit down to a Feast, and they will feast, and they will feast. The Grinch : And they'll feast, feast, feast, feast! They'll eat their Who-Pudding and rare Who-Roast Beast. But there's something I just cannot stand in least... Oh no! I'M SPEAKING IN RHYME! [a taxicab passes him by] The Grinch : It's because I'm green isn't it? The Grinch : The nerve of those Whos! Inviting me down there - and on such short notice! Even if I wanted to go my schedule wouldn't allow it. Four o'clock, wallow in self pity; 4:30, stare into the abyss; 5:00, solve world hunger, tell no one. 5:30, jazzercize. 6:30, dinner with me. I can't cancel that again! 7:00, wrestle with my self-loathing; I'm booked! Of course, if I bump the loathing to 9 I could still be done in time to lay in bed, stare at the ceiling and slip slowly into madness. But what would I wear? The Grinch : One man's toxic waste is another man's potpourri. [Max barks] The Grinch : I don't know, it's some kind of soup. Narrator : The Whos young and old would sit down to a Feast, and they will feast, and they will feast. The Grinch : And they'll feast, feast, feast, feast! They'll eat their Who-Pudding and rare Who-Roast Beast. But there's something I just cannot stand in least... Oh no! I'M SPEAKING IN RHYME! [Meeting the Grinch for the first time] Cindy Lou Who : You're the... the... The Grinch : [mimicking Cindy] The... the... THE GRINCH! The Grinch : [talking to his echo and trying to trick it] I'm an idiot! The Grinch's echo: You're an idiot! The Grinch : [whispering] Fine! I'm not going to talk to you anymore! Infact, I'm going to whisper, so that by the time my voice rebounds off the walls and comes back to me, I won't be able to hear it! [pause] The Grinch's echo: You're an idiot! The Grinch : The Presents, they'll be destroyed! And I care, WHAT IS THE DEAL! The Grinch : Cindy, we may be horribly mangled, but there'll be no sad faces on Christmas! The Grinch : I must stop Christmas from coming... but how? I MEAN - in what way? The Grinch : I tell you Max, I don't know why I ever leave here. I got all the company I need right here. [indicates himself] The Grinch : [shouts] Hello? Echo: Hello, hello, hello... The Grinch : How are you? Echo: How are you... how are you... how are you... The Grinch : I asked you first! Echo: I asked you first... I asked you first... The Grinch : Oh right, that's REAL mature repeating what I say! Echo: Real mature repeating what I say... The Grinch : [thinks] I'm an idiot! Echo: You're an idiot... you're an idiot... The Grinch : [whispering] Fine then, I'm just going to whisper from now on, so by the time the sound reverbarates off the walls, I won't be able to hear it! [pause] Echo: You're an idiot! The Grinch : Oh! Bleeding hearts of the world UNITE! The Grinch : [Takes back his mask and barks at Cindy Lou] Don't you know not to take things that don't belong to you? What's the matter, you some kind of wild animal? Movie Title: Dumb & Dumber (1994) as Lloyd Christmas: Lloyd Christmas : When I met Mary, I got that old fashioned romantic feeling, where I'd do anything to bone her. Harry Dunne : That's a special feeling. Harry Dunne : So you got fired again eh? Lloyd Christmas : Yeah, they always freak out when you leave the scene of an accident, ya' know. Harry Dunne : Yeah, well, I lost my job too. Lloyd Christmas : Man, you are one pathetic loser. No offense. Harry Dunne : No, none taken. You know what really chaps my ass though? I spent my life savings turning my van into a dog. The alarm alone cost me two hundred. Lloyd Christmas : Chicks love it. Its a shaggin' wagon. Harry Dunne : Check out the funbags on that hosehound. Lloyd Christmas : I'd like to eat her liver with some fava beans and a bottle of Chianti. Lloyd Christmas : I expected the Rocky Mountains to be a little rockier than this. Harry Dunne : I was thinking the same thing. Lloyd Christmas : That John Denver is full of shit, man. Lloyd Christmas : If I know Mary as well as I think I do, she'll invite us right in for tea and strumpets. Harry Dunne : Hi Lloyd! Lloyd Christmas : Hi Harry! Harry Dunne : How was your day? Lloyd Christmas : Not bad. Fell off a jet way again. Harry Dunne : I can't believe we drove around all day, and there's not a single job in this town. There is nothing, nada, zip! Lloyd Christmas : Yeah! Unless you wanna work forty hours a week. Lloyd Christmas : We got no food, no jobs... our PET'S HEADS ARE FALLING OFF!" Harry Dunne : Yeah, well, I don't know. These places just don't do it for me. Lloyd Christmas : What's the matter, Har? Some little filly break your heart? Harry Dunne : No, it was a girl. Lloyd Christmas : Mary... I desperately wanna make love to a school boy. Lloyd Christmas : Excuse me, Flo, what's the soup du jour? Waitress: It's The Soup of the Day. Lloyd Christmas : Mmmm... that sounds good; I'll have that. Lloyd Christmas : That's a lovely accent... New Jersey? Lady at bus stop : It's Austrian. Lloyd Christmas : Austria! Well, then. G'day mate! Let's put another shrimp on the barbie! Lady at bus stop : Let's not. Lloyd Christmas : This isn't my real job you know. Mary Swanson : No? Lloyd Christmas : Nope. My friend Harry and I are saving up money for a pet store. I got worms! Mary Swanson : I beg your pardon? Lloyd Christmas : I got worms! That's what we're going to call it. We're going to specialize in selling worm farms. You know like ant farms. What's the matter, a little tense about the flight? Mary Swanson : Something like that. Lloyd Christmas : Well suck me sideways! Airport Clerk : Sir, you can't go in there! Lloyd Christmas : It's ok, I'm a limo driver! Lloyd Christmas : What are the chances of a guy like you and a girl like me... ending up together? Mary Swanson : Not good. Lloyd Christmas : Not good like one in a hundred? Mary Swanson : I'd say more like one in a million. Lloyd Christmas : So you're telling me there's a chance? Lloyd Christmas : I'm talkin' about a place where the beer flows like wine, where the women instinctively flock like the salmon of Capistrano. I'm talkin' about Aspen. Harry Dunne : I don't know Lloyd, the French are assholes. Lloyd Christmas : So where are you headin'? Mary Swanson : Aspen. Lloyd Christmas : Hmmm, California! Beautiful! Lloyd Christmas : I'll bet you twenty dollars I can get you gambling before the day is out! Harry Dunne : No! Lloyd Christmas : I'll give you three to one odds. Harry Dunne : No. Lloyd Christmas : Five to one. Harry Dunne : No. Lloyd Christmas : Ten to one? Harry Dunne : You're on! Lloyd Christmas : I'm gonna get ya! Harry Dunne : Nu uh! Lloyd Christmas : I don't know how but I'm gonna get ya. [coming out of the 7-11] Lloyd Christmas : Hey guys. Big gulps huh. Well, see ya later. Harry Dunne : Why would she have you meet her in a bar at 10 in the morning? Lloyd Christmas : I just figured she was a raging alcoholic! Lloyd Christmas : Why you going to the airport, flying somewhere? Mary Swanson : How'd you guess? Lloyd Christmas : I saw your luggage, then when I noticed the airline ticket I put 2 and 2 together. Lloyd Christmas : Hey, look, the Monkees. They were a huge influence on the Beatles. [man and woman walk by] Harry Dunne : Ooh, look at the buns on that one... Lloyd Christmas : Yeah, he must work out. Lloyd Christmas : You're it. Harry Dunne : You're it. Lloyd Christmas : You're it, quitsies! Harry Dunne : Anti-quitsies, you're it, quitsies, no anti-quitsies, no startsies! Lloyd Christmas : You can't do that! Harry Dunne : Can too! Lloyd Christmas : Cannot, stamp it! Harry Dunne : Can too, double stamp it, no erasies! Lloyd Christmas : Cannot, triple stamp, no erasies, Touch blue make it true. Harry Dunne : No, you can't do that... you can't triple stamp a double stamp, you can't triple stamp a double stamp! Lloyd! Lloyd Christmas : [hands over ears] LA LA LA LA LA LA! Harry Dunne : LLOYD! LLOYD! LLOYD! Mary Swanson : Okay, how do you guys know each other? Lloyd Christmas : We used to be best friends. Harry Dunne : Yeah, until he turned into a back-stabber. Lloyd Christmas : Me, a back-stabber? You've got a lot of nerve. You knew I was crazy about her! Harry Dunne : Yeah, and you knew I was crazy about Fraida Felcher, and that didn't stop you, did it? Lloyd Christmas : What do you mean? Harry Dunne : "What do you mean?" Don't deny it, Lloyd. Fraida told me the whole sleazy story, Mr. French Tickler! I guess we both learned a little something about each other today. Lloyd Christmas : You said it, pal. Maybe we're not as good of friends as we thought. I mean, if one beautiful girl can rip us apart, then maybe our friendship isn't worth a damn. Maybe we should call it quits right now. Harry Dunne : You just tell me where to sign, bud. Lloyd Christmas : Right on my ass after you kiss it! Harry Dunne : You kiss mine! Both cheeks, both lips, right here! Lloyd Christmas : I'm only human Harry! Come on! So we backtracked a tad! Harry Dunne : A tad? A tad, Lloyd? You drove almost a sixth of the way across the country in the wrong direction! Now we don't have enough money to get to Aspen, we don't have enough money to get home, we don't have enough money to eat, we don't have enough money to sleep! Lloyd Christmas : Well, it's not gonna do us any good sittin' here whinin' about it. Lloyd Christmas : Well, it's not gonna do us any good sittin' here whinin' about it. Pennsylvania Policeman: Pullover!: Pullover! Harry Dunne : No, it's a cardigan but thanks for noticing. Lloyd Christmas : Yeah, killer boots man! Harry Dunne : I can't believe it. Lloyd Christmas : Life is a fragile thing, Har. One minute you're chewin' on a burger, the next minute you're dead meat. Harry Dunne : But he blamed me. You heard him. Those were his last words. Lloyd Christmas : Not if you count the gurgling sound. Lloyd Christmas : No way. That's great. We landed on the moon! [While looking back at Mary] Lloyd Christmas : There's really nothing to worry about Mary. Statistically they say you're more likely to get killed on the way to the airport. You know, like on a head on crash or flying off a cliff or getting trapped under a gas truck! That's the worst! I have this cousin, well y'know, I had this cousin... Mary Swanson : Uh, Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road please? Lloyd Christmas : Oh, yeah! Good thinking. Can't be too careful. Lot of bad drivers out there. Harry Dunne : What's her last name? Lloyd Christmas : You know, I don't really recall. Uh, it starts with "S". Let's see. Swammi? Slippy? Slappy? Swenson? Swanson? Harry Dunne : Maybe it's on the briefcase. Lloyd Christmas : Oh, yeah! [He reads the manufacturer's name, which is Samsonite] Lloyd Christmas : Here it is! "Samsonite"! I was way off! I knew it started with an "S" though. Lloyd Christmas : Wanna hear the most annoying noise in the world? Lloyd Christmas : [to motorcycle cop] Tic-Tac, sir? Beth Jordan : So I told myself. Beth you just got to run girl and oh you know what that clutz did next? Lloyd Christmas : No and I DON'T CARE! Lloyd Christmas : We don't usually pick up hitchhikers... but I'm-a gonna go with my instincts on this one. Saddle up partner! Lloyd Christmas : Mock Harry Dunne : Yeah! Lloyd Christmas : Ing Harry Dunne : Yeah! Lloyd Christmas : Bird Harry Dunne : Yeah! Lloyd Christmas : Yeah! Harry Dunne : Yeah! Lloyd Christmas : She actually talked to me. Harry Dunne : Get outta here! Harry Dunne : What's in the briefcase? Lloyd Christmas : Man, I would have to be a real lowlife to go rooting around in someone else's private property. Harry Dunne : Is it locked? Lloyd Christmas : Yeah. Really well. Harry Dunne : Where's the booze? Lloyd Christmas : I got robbed by a sweet old lady on a motorized cart. I didn't even see it coming. Harry Dunne : Oh, no, no. Lloyd Christmas : Come on, Harry. Harry Dunne : It gets worse. My parakeet, Petey. Lloyd Christmas : Yeah? Harry Dunne : He's dead. Lloyd Christmas : Oh, man, I'm sorry. What happened? Harry Dunne : His head fell off. Lloyd Christmas : His head fell off? Harry Dunne : Yeah. He was pretty old. Movie Title: In Living Color (1990) as Fire Marshall Bill: [Repeated line] Fire Marshall Bill : This could be dangerous! Movie Title: Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events (2004) as Count Olaf: [from trailer] Count Olaf : All that I ask is that you do every little thing that pops into my head, while I enjoy the enormous fortune your parents left behind. [from trailer] Count Olaf : Now that we're a family, I can be the ulll-timate DAD. Movie Title: Bruce Almighty (2003) as Bruce: [repeated line] Bruce : B-E-A-utiful. Bruce : B-E-A-utiful. Come on, let's go back inside and have a shit. [On Buffalo's biggest cookie] Bruce : We have a new record. Cue the cheesy inspirational music. Bruce : Behind every great man... is a woman rolling her eyes [Finishes up horrible live news story] Bruce : Back to you, fuckers. God : Grace. You want her back? Bruce : No. I want her to be happy, no matter what that means. I want her to find someone who will treat her with all the love she deserved from me. I want her to meet someone who will see her always as I do now, through Your eyes. God : Now THAT'S a prayer. Bruce : Love me. Love me. Grace : ...I did. Grace : I've never seen the moon that big. Bruce : We really shouldn't waste it. Grace : Oh, God. Bruce : You can call me Bruce. Bruce : I am Bruce Almighty. My will be done. Bruce : And now back to Evan Backstabber, Bastard, pardon me, Baxter. Bruce : Feed the hungry, and give peace on all mankind. Is that good? God : Yes... If you're Miss America. Bruce : And that's the way the cookie crumbles. Bruce : How do you make someone love you without changing free will? God : Welcome to my world. Bruce : Nice to meet you, g-d. Nice job on the Grand Canyon and good luck with the apocalypse. Bruce : [sticking up his middle finger and pretending he's playing a jazz tune] I can hold that note all day, buddy. Grace : I've got a very rare blood type. I'm AB positive. Bruce : Well I'm IB positive. I be positive they aren't gettin near me with any needle. God : Well, now I guess you can't do anything now that you're dead. Bruce : I'm DEAD? [pause] God : Naw, I'm just messing with ya. Bruce : That is NOT funny. Bruce : I can do it, Jack. I can be like Evan. Jack : You don't want to be like Evan. Evan's an asshole. Bruce : I can be an asshole. Jack : No you can't. [Bruce knocks over Jack's sandwich] Jack : You going to get that? Bruce : Yeah I'm sorry. Grace : Debbie won the lottery. Bruce : Really? Grace : Yeah, well, she and about 400,000 other people so she only won 17 bucks. Bruce : Okay, prayer beads, 'God, please give me a sign.' [Truck with Danger signs passes him] [Bruce wakes up in the hospital and he's holding the prayer beads] Bruce : Okay, now you're just showing off. Hood: You want me to apologize? Okay, man, the day a monkey comes out of my butt is the day you'll get your sorry. Bruce : Well, how ironic, cause that happens to be TODAY. Bruce : Hey, little anal-dwelling butt monkey. Time for you to go home, little buddy. Bruce : Bruce giveth and Bruce taketh. Don't like it? Megabyte me. Bruce : I needed time to reassess my goals and get in touch with my true self. Jack : You did that in a day? Bruce : Imagine what I could do in seven... Bruce : Where are you going? God : Vacation. Bruce : God doesn't go on vacation. Does he?... Do... ye? God : Ever hear of the dark ages? God : You have the ability to make people laugh. I know, I created you. Bruce : Quit bragging. Bruce : Would it help if I said I was being a complete ass? Kid: Hey. You said "ass". Bruce : Yeah, but it's ok if I'm talkin' about a donkey. Bruce : Smite me, oh mighty Smiter. Bruce : Is it my hair? My teeth not white enough? Or, like the great falls, is the very bedrock of my LIFE ERODING? ERODING, EEEERODING. Bruce : God is just a mean kid with a magnifying glass. And I'm the ant. He could fix my life in five minutes if He wanted to, but he'd rather tear of my feelers and watch me squirm. Homeless Man : [holding up a sign] "GOD BEE GOOD HONEY" Bruce : [holds up his own sign] "WHATEVER HE SAID - >" Grace : You know that everything happens for a reason. Bruce : See, that I don't need. That is a cliché. That is not helpful to me. "A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush"... I have no bird, I have no bush. God has taken my bird and my bush. [After God finds the bead that Bruce had earlier threw in the lake] Bruce : Holy sh... cow. Gang leader: How about this? The day a monkey comes out of my butt, then you get your sorry. How 'bout that? Bruce : What a coincidence, because that's *today*. [looking in mirror] Bruce : That's the way, uh huh, uh huh, I like it. Bruce : There were so many. I just gave them all what they want. God : Yeah. Since when does anyone have a clue as to what they want? Bruce : What if I need you? What if I have questions? God : That's your problem, Bruce. That's everybody's problem. You keep looking up. Bruce : Can I have a spooOO... [A spoon falls out of his mouth] Bruce : Umm... never mind, I found one. Bruce : [Bruce turns around from a mirror and sees the dog urinating on a chair] Grace, the dog! Grace : I'm in the shower! Bruce : What up with thee. Bruce : [Opening line] God, why do you hate me? Movie Title: The Cable Guy (1996) as The Cable Guy / Chip Douglas: Chip Douglas : You were never there for me were you mother? You expected Mike and Carol Brady to raise me! I'm the bastard son of Claire Huxtable! I am a Lost Cunningham! I learned the facts of life from watching The Facts of Life! Oh God! Chip Douglas : You might recognize this song as performed by Jefferson Airplane, in a little rockumentary called "Gimme Shelter," about the Rolling Stones and their nightmare at Altamont. That night the Oakland chapter of the Hell's Angels had their way. Tonight, it's my turn. Rick : Look, Chip Douglas, I don't know what your story is, but I'm going to find out! Chip Douglas : Well, don't dig to deep or you might get burnt by the molten lava! Steven : You're right. That's incredibly insightful. Chip Douglas : I know. It was Jerry Springer's final thought on Friday's show. Chip Douglas : This concludes our broadcast day. Click. Steven : My friend told me this story about this guy who gave his cable guy fifty bucks and he got all the movie channels for free, you ever here about anything like that? Chip Douglas : You talking about free cable, what was his name I want it! You Have offered me a bribe what you have done is a felony for which you could be issued a fine or time in a state correctional facility! Steven : No just forget I brought it up. Chip Douglas : I'm just messin' with ya, I'm just yankin' your chain, boy are you easy! I'll juice ya up! Chip Douglas : Wow, the old McNair place. Never thought they'd get the floors clean after what happened. Steven Kovacs : Why? What happened? Chip Douglas : They had a lot of cats. Chip Douglas : Come on Stevie, time to leavey, It's the fun bus man! Chip Douglas : Hey Steve I'm on a pay phone, so if you're there pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, well OK, call me back. Chip Douglas : Free cable is the ultimate aphrodisiac. Chip Douglas : Dry land is not a myth. I've seen it. Kevin Costner. Waterworld. I don't know what the big fuss is about. I saw that movie nine times. It rules! Chip Douglas : I'll juice ya up. Chip Douglas : Come back here, so that I may brain thee! Chip Douglas : He who hesitates, masturbates. Chip Douglas : Wake up lil snoozy! Smell the smelling salts! Chip Douglas : I got you the big screen TV, deluxe karaoke machine, and THX quality sound that would make George Lucas cream in his pants! Chip Douglas : Here is a comment card. Please mail it in when I am done. Steven Kovacs : Does this go to your boss? Chip Douglas : No it goes to me, I'm sort of a perfectionis... perfectionis... t. Chip Douglas : Call it one guy doing another guy a solid. Steven Kovacs : That is so nice! Chip Douglas : Well you're a nice guy! You'd be surprised how many customers treat me like snot, like I'm a goddamn plumber or somethin'. Steven Kovacs : Hey, wait, come back! Chip Douglas : Well look who decided to show. Steven Kovacs : You were supposed to be here 4 hours ago. Chip Douglas : Was I? So I'm the tardy one? Steven Kovacs : Yeah, I was gonna go to that bed and bath place and now it's closed. Chip Douglas : Well maybe I shouldn't have come at all, JERK OFF! I'm just jokin' with ya. Chip Douglas : The future is now! Soon every American home will integrate their television, phone and computer. You'll be able to visit the Louvre on one channel, or watch female wrestling on another. You can do your shopping at home, or play Mortal Kombat with a friend from Vietnam. There's no end to the possibilities! Chip Douglas : I can be your best friend or your worst enemy. You seem to prefer the latter. Chip Douglas : I forgive you. I only hope my neurologist will feel the same. Chip Douglas : The blue knight rules! The red knight sucks the big one! Down, down, down. Right knight goin' down. Down, down, down. Red knight goin' down. Chip Douglas : Dos thus have thou a mug of ale for me and me mate, for he hath been pitched in battle with a fort knight and has the king's thirst for the frosty brew dos thou might have for thus! Steven : You know, my brother is a speech therapist. Chip Douglas : Tho? Chip Douglas : You better buckle up. I've had a lot to drink... just kidding. That's my humor! Chip Douglas : You know what the trouble about real life is? There's no danger music. Chip Douglas : What a place for an ending, huh? It's like that movie 'Goldeneye'! Chip Douglas : [On Steve's Answer Phone] Awwwww shit. The Cable Guy : Sounds like heart break to me. Steven Kovacs : Well I really don't want to discuss it with you. Could you just install my cable please? I'm gonna go get dressed. The Cable Guy : Suit yourself. No sweat off my sac. Oh by the way, you might wanna put on a bathing suit 'cause you'll be channel surfing in no time! [The Cable Guy makes a slam dunk and breaks the glass panel above the basket] The Cable Guy : I love this game! The Cable Guy : Hey, Rick! I never made a slam dunk before. Thanks for the boost. |
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