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 David Schwimmer QuotationMovie Title: Six Days Seven Nights (1998) as Frank Martin: Angelica : Look what I bought, Quinny. Quinn Harris : Uh... what is it? Angelica : It's a bikini, silly. Frank Martin : I thought it was an eye patch. Frank Martin : I want this to be the most unforgettable vacation of our lives. [Waking up in Angelica's bed] Frank Martin : Oh no. What did I do? And how many times did I do it? Movie Title: The Pallbearer (1996) as Tom: Julie : I love this song. Tom : Is that a sign. Movie Title: Apt Pupil (1998) as Edward French: Edward French : You can't do this Todd. Todd Bowden : You have no idea what I can do. Movie Title: Band of Brothers (2001) as Herbert Sobel: Herbert Sobel : What's your name, trooper? Donald Malarkey : Malarkey, sir. Herbert Sobel : Malarkey. Is that slang for bullshit? Donald Malarkey : Yes sir. George Luz : [imitating Maj. Horton] Is there a problem, Captain Sobel? Herbert Sobel : Who said that? Who broke silence? Edward Tipper : I think it's Major Horton, sir. Herbert Sobel : Major Horton? Wh, what is he... Did he join us? Edward Tipper : I think, maybe, he's moving between platoons, sir? George Luz : What is the god-damn holdup, Mr. Sobel? Herbert Sobel : A fence. Sir, uh, god... barbwire fence. George Luz : Oh, that dog just ain't gonna hunt. You cut that fence and get this goddamn platoon on the move. Movie Title: Picking Up the Pieces (2000) as Father Leo: Father Leo : I'm sure the Virgin was wearing turquoise nail polish. Father Leo : This is the house of God, there is no jumping and shouting in here. Movie Title: Friends (1994) as Ross: Ross : I would date her but there is a big age difference. Joey : Well think about it when you're 90... Ross : I know, she'll be 80 and it won't be such a big difference. Joey : No. What I was gonna say is when you're 90 you'll still have the memory of what it was like to be with a 20-year-old. Ross : [receiving his Christmas gift] You got me a cola drink. Chandler : And a LEMON LIME. Ross : You shouldn't have. I feel like I should get you another sweater. Joey : And last but not least. [Monica receives her gift] Joey : They're RIBBED FOR YOUR PLEASURE. [pounding a scone] Ross : Stupid British snack food. Chandler : Did they teach you that in your anger management class? Ross : You know how at the end of the day, you throw your jacket over a chair? Joey : Yeah? Ross : Well at her place, instead of a jacket, it's a pile of garbage. And instead of a chair, it's a pile of garbage. And instead of the end of the day, it's the end of time, and garbage is all that has survived. [after Monica gets a disastrous haircut] Ross : How's Monica? Phoebe : She's calmed down a bit. I put a clip on one side, which seems to have stopped the curling. Ross : How's the hair? Phoebe : I'm not gonna lie to you Ross. It doesn't look good. Joey : Can we see her? Phoebe : No, your hair looks too good. I think it would only upset her. Rachel : Oh. Phoebe : Ross, you can go on in. Ross : So what are you up to? Will : I'm a commodities broker. Ross : Really? That sounds interesting? Will : Yeah, no it's not but I'm rich and thin. [after Chandler Bing has slapped him on the butt] Ross : Dude, what are you doing? Ross : What the hell are you doing, you scared the crap out of me! Ross : What are you doing? Chandler : Making chocolate milk. You want some? Ross : No thanks, I'm 29. Ross : Oh, really? Well, I guess Monica should know about Atlantic City. Chandler : Dude. Monica : What happened in Atlantic City? Ross : Well, Chandler and I are in a bar... Chandler : Did you not hear me say, "Dude"? Ross : ...and this girl is making eyes at Chandler, okay? So after a while he just goes over to her and, uh, after a minute or two, I see them kissing. Now, I know what you're thinking. Chandler's not the type of guy who just goes to bars and makes out with girls. And you're right. Chandler's not the type of guy just goes to bars and makes out with girls. Monica : You kissed a guy? Oh my God. Chandler : In my defense, it was dark and he was a very pretty guy. Ross : What are you doing tonight? Chandler : Why, do you have a lecture? Ross : No. Chandler : Free as a bird, what's up? Phoebe : Now, we can kick anybody's ass! Rachel : Yeah! Ross : After one class? I don't think so. Rachel : What? You want to see me self-defend myself? Go over there and pretend you're a sexual predator! Go on! I dare ya! Ross : Well, of course you can defend yourself from an attack you know is coming, that's not enough. Look, I studied karate for a long time, and there's a concept you should really be familiar with. It's what the Japanese call unagi. Rachel : Isn't that a kind of sushi? Ross : No, it's a concept. Phoebe : Yeah, it is! It is! It's freshwater eel. Ross : All right, maybe it means that too. Rachel : Ooh! I would kill for a salmon skin roll right now. Ross : Y'know what? Fine! Get attacked! I don't even care! Ross : So do you have any cats that are very old or increadibly sick? Julie : Ross... I don't want one that's about to die... Ross : Oh well, we should've discussed this before we came down here Julie : Ok Ross, look I'm gonna narrow it down to this one over here... and this one with the stripes... You pick... Ross : Woah, woah... I... I have to pick? Julie : Yeah sure which ever one you want Ross : [Looks back and forth between the cats and scratches his head] Well, I don't know, you know it's not that easy to choose... both cats are-are beautiful... and... funny... I'm sure I'd be happier with either cat... Julie : Well do you wanna take both? Ross : Both? Both?... I can't have TWO cats!... Joey's the kind of guy that can have two cats... Monica : What you guys don't understand is, for us, kissing is as important as any part of it. Joey : Yeah, right!... Y'serious? Phoebe : Oh, yeah! Rachel : Everything you need to know is in that first kiss. Monica : Absolutely. Chandler : Yeah, I think for us, kissing is pretty much like an opening act, y'know? I mean it's like the stand-up comedian you have to sit through before Pink Floyd comes out. Ross : Yeah, and-and it's not that we don't like the comedian, it's that-that... that's not why we bought the ticket. Chandler : The problem is, though, after the concert's over, no matter how great the show was, you girls are always looking for the comedian again, y'know? I mean, we're in the car, we're fighting traffic... basically just trying to stay awake. Rachel : Yeah, well, word of advice: Bring back the comedian. Otherwise next time you're gonna find yourself sitting at home, listening to that album alone. Joey : [pause] ... Are we still talking about sex? Monica : OKAY. Are we ready to play some serious poker? Ross : Well, I don't know. Phoebe just threw a Jack away because he didn't look happy. Ross : Wow, you guys sure have a lot of books about being a lesbian. Susan : Well, you know, you have to take a course. Otherwise they don't let you do it. Ross : I know something that will cheer you up, guess whose middle name is Muriel? Rachel : OH MY GOD. Chandler M. Bing. Ross : Every week a TV Guide is delivered to Joey and Chandler. What is the name on the magazine? Rachel : Oh it's Chandler Bing. Him. Right there. Monica : No. Ross : Actually the correct answer is "Chanandler Bong" Chandler : Ms. Chanandler Bong. Ross : What is the name of Chandler's father's all male burlesque review? Monica : Viva Las Gay-gas. Chandler : Unfortunately, that would be correct. Ross : What? No. What - what are you doing? GET OFF MY SISTER. Chandler : The Bings have horrible marriages. They yell. They fight. And they use the pool boy as a pawn in their sexual games. Ross : Chandler, have you ever put on a black cocktail dress and asked me up to your hotel room? Chandler : No. Ross : Then you are neither of your parents. Ross : My dad wanted to know if you wanted to play racquetball with us. Monica : Wow. That's great. Dad must really like you, he doesn't ask just anyone to play. Ross : Yeah and he didn't really ask for you, he asked for Chancy, I assumed he meant you. Chandler : Well, did-did you correct him? Ross : No, I-I thought it would be more fun this way. Ross : I'm gonna go out on a limb and say, "No divorces in '99. Whoo." Rachel : But your divorce isn't even final yet. Ross : Just the one divorce in '99. WHOO. This year I'm going to be happy, I'm gonna make myself happy. Chandler : So, do you want us to leave the room? Minister: Friends. Family. We are gathered to celebrate here today the joyous union of Ross and Emily. Now Ross, repeat after me. I Ross... Ross : I Ross... Minister: Take thee, Emily... Ross : Take thee, Rachel... Emily. [In the Central Perk, Joey told Ross he likes Rachel] Ross : I don't... Rachel? Joey : Ross... Ross : Rachel? [Ross leaves; Joey turns around and finds Gunther right behind him] Gunther : RACHEL? [Chandler booked a room in Vermont for himself and Monica, but she can't go, and he can't cancel the room] Monica : Why don't you take Ross? Ross : Uh, don't you think that would be a little weird? I mean, two guys in a romantic inn... Monica : No, not if their room has two beds! Ross : [reading the hotel brochure] I guess... It still seems a little... *moonlight boat ride*? Will : [about how he hated Rachel in high school] It wasn't just me. We had a club. Rachel : You had a club? Will : That's right. The I Hate Rachel Green Club. Rachel : O my God! So what? You all just join together to hate me? Who else was in this club? Will : Me and Ross. [points to Ross] Ross : No need to point. She knows who Ross is. Julie : Ok Ross, I'm gonna narrow it down to this cat right here... and this one with the stripes ok? You pick... Ross : Wait woah... I uh... I have to pick? Julie : Yeah which ever one you want Ross : [looks back and forth between the kittens... sighs] Well, I don't know it's not that easy to choose... both cats are beautiful and... funny... I'm sure I'd be happy with either cat... Julie : Well do you want to take both? Ross : Both? Both? I can't have TWO cats! Joey's the kind of guy who can have two cats! Joey : Ok Ross, you're gettin a divorce... you're angry, you're hurtin... can I tell you what the answer is?... STRIP JOINTS! Come on! You're single! Have some hormones! Ross : But I don't want to be single... I just want to be married again [Rachel walks in wearing wedding dress] Chandler : And I just want a million dollars! [Re: "If you had to give up sex or food, which would you pick?"] Monica : Sex! Chandler : Seriously. Answer faster. Monica : I'm sorry, sweetie. When she said "sex" I wasn't thinking of sex with you. Chandler : It's like a big hug. Phoebe : Ross, how about you? Sex or food? Ross : Sex! Phoebe : What about sex or dinosaurs? Ross : My God, it's like Sophie's Choice. Phoebe : Joey, if you had to give up sex or food, which would you pick? Joey : I don't know it's too hard. Rachel : Come on, you have to answer. Joey : Okay... sex. No, food. No, uh... I want both! I want girls on bread! [Mona doesn't know that Rachel is living with Ross] Mona: Listen, Rachel, I appreciate your situation but this is Valentine's Day. So, if you don't mind, would you please just go back home? [Ross enters with his gift for Mona] Rachel : What are you talking about? I live here. Ross : [nervously gives Mona her present] Happy Valentine's Day. [Mona stares angrily at Ross] Ross : Or, something to remember me by... [Monica knocks] Chandler : You can't come in. Monica : Why not? Chandler : Because, uh, Ross is naked. Ross : What? Chandler : Well, I couldn't tell her *I* was naked. She's allowed to see me naked. Ross : Why does *anyone* have to be naked? [Ross is given medicine for anger management] Chandler : What did they give you? Ross : I don't know, but I sure don't care about my sandwich anymore. [Rachel is nervous about leaving Emma alone in the apartment for a few minutes] Rachel : What if she jumped out the basinet? Ross : Can't hold her own head up, but yeah, jump out. Rachel : Oh my God, I left the water running. Ross : Rach, you did not leave the water running. Please, just pull yourself together, okay? Rachel : Ah, did I leave the stove on? Ross : You haven't cooked since 1996. Rachel : Is the window open? Because if there's a window open, a bird could fly in there. Ross : Oh my god, you know what, yeah, I think you're right. I think... listen, listen. Rachel : Huh? Ross : A pigeon, a pigeon. No, no wait, no, no, an eagle flew in. Landed on the stove and caught fire. The baby, seeing this, jumps across the apartment to the mighty bird's aid. The eagle, however, misconstrues it as an act of aggression and grabs the baby in its talons. Meanwhile the faucet fills the apartment with water. Baby and bird still ablaze are locked in a death grip, swirling around in the whirlpool that fills the apartment. Rachel : If that happens now, you're going to feel SO bad. Rachel : Hey, you guys wanna go see a movie? Ross : Yeh, sure. Rachel : How about you, Phoebe? Phoebe : No thanks I've already seen one. Ross : Okay, okay. But if she doesn't call, it is definitely over. No, wait, wait. Unless eventually I call her, you know, just to see what's going on and she says she'll call me back, but then she doesn't. Then it's over. Joey : Way to be strong, man. Ross : I don't know what I'm gonna do. What am I gonna do? I mean, this, this is like a complete nightmare. Chandler : Oh, I know, this must be so hard. "Oh no, two women love me. They're both gorgeous and sexy. My wallet's too small for my fifties AND MY DIAMOND SHOES ARE TOO TIGHT." [Ross has traded in his "Snuggles" for a more manly laundry detergent] Rachel : What's that? Ross : Uberweiss. It's strong, it's German, it's extra-tough. [Ross is wearing a white suit] Monica : I like it even better on you than on Colonel Sanders. Ross : Look, I just came here to tell you guys something. Rachel : Oh. Was it how you invented the cotton gin? Emily : Ross. Come look. There's a deer just outside eating fruit from the orchard. Ross : [on the phone] I gotta go. There's a deer just outside eating fruit from the orchard. Monica : He had to go. There was a deer just outside, eating fruit from the orchard. Phoebe : No, I definitely don't like the name Ross. Ross : What a weird way to kick me when I'm down. Phoebe : Well it's just that something like this would never happen to, like, The Hulk. Rachel : You caught me. I'm a laundry virgin. Ross : Then I'll use the gentle cycle. Monica : Mom and Dad have always liked you better. Ross : Hey. I married a lesbian to make you look good. [Doing a crossword puzzle] Ross : Heating device. Phoebe : Radiator. Ross : Five letters. Phoebe : Rdatr. Ross : Monica categorizes her towels. How many categories are there? Joey : Everyday use... Chandler : Fancy... Joey : Guest... Chandler : Fancy Guest... Ross : Two seconds. Joey : Uh, uh... Eleven. Ross : Amazing. Eleven is correct. Ross : No Phoebe. You don't want to see what's under there. Phoebe : Oh my God... the foster puppets. Ross : You know how at the end of the day, you throw your jacket over a chair? Joey : Yeah? Ross : Well at her place, instead of a jacket, it's a pile of garbage. And instead of a chair, it's a pile of garbage. [Carol is nursing Ben] Ross : This is the most beautiful, natural thing in the world. Joey : Yeah, but there's a baby sucking on it. Ross : So, uh, what did the insurance company say? Chandler : Oh, they said uh, "You don't have insurance here so stop calling us." Chandler : Hey, you guys in the living room all know what you want to do. You know, you have goals. You have dreams. I don't have a dream. Ross : Ah, the lesser known "I Don't Have a Dream" speech. Phoebe : [As Ross sits down on the sofa, Pheobe begins "cleansing his aura"] Ross : Oh no, no stop cleansing my aura... Phoebe : But... [continues] Ross : No just leave my aura alone... OK? Phoebe : Fine... be murky... Ross : I'll be fine... really you guys, I hope she'll be very happy... Monica : No you don't... Ross : No I don't! To hell with her! She left me! Joey : You never knew she was a lesbian... Ross : [stares at Joey... ] No! OK? Why does everyone keep fixating on that? She didn't know. How should I know? Chandler : Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian... [everyone stares at Chandler] Chandler : ... Did I say that out loud? Joey : Ross, if homo sapiens actually were HOMO sapiens, is that why they<sum>re exctinct? Ross : Joey, they are people. Joey : Hey, I'm not judging. Ross : I think my marriage might be kind of over. Phoebe : Oh my god, why? Ross : Cause Carol's a lesbian, and I'm not... and apparently it's not a mix and match situation. Ross : I guess I should have known... we'd be out somewhere, and a beautiful woman would go by, and Carol would go, "Ross, look at her." And I'd think, "My wife is cool." Ross : Wanna hear something weird? Phoebe : Always. [Ross and Joey's first meeting] Ross : [glum] My wife's a lesbian. Joey : Cool. Chandler : Ross, this is Joey. Joey, Ross. Monica : Paul, this is everybody. Everybody, this is Paul. Joey : Hey, Paul, the wine guy. Ross : Hey, Paul. Phoebe : Hey, Paul. Rachel : Hi, Paul. Chandler : I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name. Paul, was it? Ross : You know, you probably didn't know this, but back in high school, I had a major crush on you. Rachel : I knew. Ross : You did. Oh... I always figured you just thought I was Monica's geeky older brother. Rachel : I did. Ross : This is so exciting, I haven't seen my monkey in almost a year. Chandler : What, you never look down in the shower? [pause] Chandler : Oh, please. I'm not allowed to make *one* joke in the monkey-is-penis genre? [Peering out the window] Phoebe : Hey. It looks like Ugly Naked Guy is moving. Ross : Ironically, most of the boxes are labeled "clothes." Rachel : Oh, I'm gonna miss that big, fat, squishy butt. [Ross is newly divorced from his lesbian wife] Ross : You know what the scariest part is? What if there's only one woman for everybody, you know? I mean, what if you get one woman, and that's it? Unfortunately, in my case, it was only one woman for her. Joey : What are you talking about? One woman? That's like saying there's only one flavor of ice cream for you. Let me tell you something, Ross. There's lots of flavors out there. There's Rocky Road, and Cookie Dough, and Bing. Cherry Vanilla. You could get them with jimmies, or nuts, or whipped cream. This is the best thing that ever happened to you. You got married, you were, what, eight? Welcome back to the world. Grab a spoon. Ross : I honestly don't know if I'm hungry or horny. Chandler : Stay out of my freezer. Ross : You know what? I'd better pass on the game. I'm just gonna go home and think about my ex-wife and her lesbian lover. Joey : The hell with hockey. Let's all do that. Monica : Joey, what would you do if you were omnipotent? Joey : I'd probably kill myself. Monica : Excuse me? Joey : Hey, if "Little Joey"'s dead, then I got no reason to live. Ross : Uh, Joey... Omnipotent. Joey : You are? Ross, I'm sorry. Ross : It would be so cool to live across from you guys. Joey : Hey, yeah. Then we could do that telephone thing. Y'know, you have a can, we have a can and it's connected by a string. Chandler : Or we can do the *actual* telephone thing. Ross : So when I get to China, guess who's in charge of the dig? Rachel : Julie. Isn't that just kick-you-in-the-crotch, spit-on-your-neck, fantastic. Ross : First divorce: wife's hidden sexuality, not my fault. Second divorce: said the wrong name at the altar, kind of my fault. Third divorce: they shouldn't let you get married when you're that drunk and have stuff drawn all over your face, Nevada's fault. Ross : And, uh, then I kissed her. Joey : Tongue? Ross : Yeah. Joey : Cool. Ross : I'm sorry your husband cheated on you. Rachel : I'm sorry your wife is gay. Susan : There's Father's Day, there's Mother's Day, there's no Lesbian Lover's Day. Ross : Every day is Lesbian Lover's Day. Rachel : Well, it was one night at a party and we both had a lot of sangria and we started kissing. Ross : Now that's two of my wives. [Chandler's trying to quit smoking] Chandler : Eww, Lambchop. How old is that sock? If I had a sock in my hand for thirty years it'd be talking too. Ross : Okay, I think it's time to change someone's nicotine patch. [does so] Chandler : [deadpan] Ooh, I'm alive with pleasure now. Chandler : Did you do it on our invitations? Ross : Not on the ones we sent out. Chandler : Oh, so it was on the ones, we had framed. Chandler : [taking duck out in the hallway] Now you stay out here and you think about what you did. Ross : That's a duck. Chandler : That's a bad duck. Ross : [while moving a sofa with Phoebe and Chandler] Pivot. Pi-vot. PI-VOT. Ross : Sorry, Ben, but Santa has to go now. Ben : Why? I want him to stay. Chandler : Because... if Santa and the Holiday Armadillo stay in the same room for too long... the universe will... implode... Ross : I'm the Holiday Armadillo. Phoebe : [entering in an elegant yellow dress] Hello. Ross : Hey. Joey : Whoa. Ross : Wow, hello. You look great. Phoebe : Thank you. I know, though. Ross : Look, I don't care it starts at eight, we can't be late. Phoebe : [Rhyming] We could not, would not want to wait. [Ross tries picking out a dress for Rachel] Ross : Look, I'm sorry, I thought it looked pretty. Rachel : Ross, that was a Halloween costume, unless you would like me to go to this thing as Little Bo Peep. Ross : Look, I didn't recognize it without that inflatable sheep. Rachel : Yeah, which, by the way Chandler, I would like back one of these days. Chandler : We used them as pillows when we went camping. Ross : What? Chandler : [shyly] The sheep. Ross : Hey, what you do on your own time... Joey : Where's my underwear? Ross : Whoa, whoa, whoa. You took his underwear? Chandler : He took my essence. Ross : Okay, now hold on. Joey, why can't you just wear the underwear you're wearing now? Joey : Because, I'm not wearing any underwear now. Ross : Okay, then why do you have to wear underwear tonight? Joey : It's a rented tux. Okay? I'm not gonna go commando in another man's fatigues. [about Ugly Naked Guy] Ross : Hey, didn't he used to have a cat? Phoebe : Oh, I wouldn't bring that up. It'll probably just bum him out. Joey : Yeah. Poor cat. Never saw that big butt coming. [Ross is refusing to have another nap with Joey] Joey : OK, well, you want a drink? Ross : Sure what d'you got? Joey : Warm milk and Excedrin PM... Joey : You're mean on the boat. Rachel : What? I was just trying to teach you. Joey : Well, lesson learned. Rachel is mean. Ross : Yeeeeeep... Yep-yep-yep-yep-yep. I remember when she took me out on her dad's boat she wouldn't let me help at all. Rachel : Excuse me, I wanted you to help, but you couldn't move your arms because you were wearing three life jackets. Ross : You have to respect the sea. [bursts into Chandler's hotel room] Ross : [Screaming] I'm getting married today. Whoo-hoo. Chandler : [With the covers pulled up to his chin] Morning, Ross. Ross : I'm getting married, to... day. Chandler : Yeah you are. Ross : Ahh, whoo-hoo. [He runs back out the door] Monica : [Comes up for below the covers] Do you think he knew I was here? Monica : You broke a little girl's leg? Ross : I know. I feel horrible. Okay. Chandler : [reading the paper] Says here that a Muppet got whacked on Sesame Street last night. [to Ross] Chandler : Where exactly were you around ten-ish? Ross : [to his parents] Look, I, uh- I realize you guys have been wondering what exactly happened between Carol and me, and, so, well, here's the deal. Carol's a lesbian. She's living with a woman named Susan. She's pregnant with my child, and she and Susan are going to raise the baby. Phoebe : [imitating Chandler] OK, could that report BE any later? Chandler : I don't sound like that. Joey : Oh, yes you do. Ross : The hills are alive with the sound... OF music. Chandler : You wanna tell secrets? Okay. In college, Ross used to wear leg warmers. Ross : All right. Chandler entered a Vanilla Ice look-a-like contest and won. Chandler : Ross came in fourth and cried. Ross : Chandler got drunk one night and slept with the woman who cleaned our dorm. Chandler : That was you. Ross : Whatever dude. You kissed a guy. [Ross defends his fast eating habits to Rachel] Ross : I grew up in a house with Monica, okay. If you didn't eat fast, you didn't eat. [Ross' Halloween costume] Ross : You know that Russian satellite Sputnik? Well I'm a potato which is a spud and i have my antennas. [Everyone glares at him like he's crazy] Ross : Sputnik? SPUD-nik [Joey enters] Joey : Hey. Ross came as Doody. Emily : There's someone else. Ross : Does that mean the same thing in England as it does in America? [Upon learning he must move far away and commute to work] Ross : Why, it's like I've been given the gift of time. Chandler : That's great. Last year I got the gift of space. We should get together and make a continuum. Ross : So, does it do something special? Chandler : Why yes Ross. Pressing my third nipple, it opens the delivery entrance to the magical land of Narnia. Ross : I'm gonna say this as Monica's brother. Not as your friend. Chandler : So now you're not my friend? Ross : Not now. Chandler : All right. Ross : So i couldn't be happier cause you're marrying Monica. But if someday you ever hurt her, I will hunt you down and kick your ass. Chandler : Hahahahahahaha. Ross : What, what? I'm just warning you. I'll hunt you down and kick your ass. Chandler : Ok. So now you're my friend again? Ross : Yes. Chandler : You wouldn't believe what Monica's brother just told me... [Ross coming back from bathroom, getting ready to play poker with Rachel] Ross : Your money is mine, Green. Rachel : Your fly is open, Geller. [Rachel just found out her husband Barry has been cheating on her] Rachel : What is it with men? Do wedding vows mean squat to you people? Ross : Wait. Didn't you spend last night at Joey's Rachel : What are you a detective? Monica : Dad, Chandler didn't melt your records, Ross did. Jack Geller : Is that... Monica : And Dad, you know that mailman you got fired? He didn't steal your Playboy's, Ross did. Ross : Yea, well Hurricane Gloria didn't break the porch swing, Monica did. Monica : Ross hasn't worked at the museum for a year. Ross : MONICA & CHANDLER ARE LIVING TOGETHER. Monica : Ross married Rachel in Vegas, and got divorced, AGAIN. Phoebe : I Love Jok Custou. Rachel : I wasn't supposed to put beef in the trifle. Joey : I WANNA GOOOOOOO. Judy Geller : That's a lot of information to get in thirty seconds. Ross : It came in the mail today, it's uh, 72 long-stemmed red roses, one for each day that I've known and loved Emily, cut up into mulch. [Ross and Rachel are trying to decide a name for their baby] Ross : OK, how about Ruth? Rachel : Oh, I'm sorry, are we having an 89 year old woman? Ross : I'm going to China Monica : China? Why? Ross : We have a bone, they want the bone so we have to take the bone over - it's a big bone thing. [Ross is trying to cheer Chandler up who won't get out of his sweatpants] Ross : C'mon man, just take em off, just take em off and we'll have some fun. [Debating whether to see Ross & Rachel's videotape] Ross : You want to see it? Rachel : Clearly, you don't want people to see it. Now I don't want people to see it either, but you so badly don't want people to see it makes me want to see it, you see? Joey : Are we watching the tape or not? Ross : Hey, Mon, if everything works out between you and Richard's son, you will be able to tell your kids, that you slept with their grandfather. [All sitting around coffee table talking about their "weirdest place"] Rachel : Come on, someone go. Monica : OK, I'll go, Senior year of college on a pool table. Ross : That's my sister. Joey : OK, my weirdest place would have to be... the women's room on the second floor of the New York City Public Library. Monica : Oh my God. What were YOU doing in a library? Ross : Phoebs, what about you? Phoebe : Oh... Milwaukee... well it's a really weird place. Rachel : Um... Ross? Ross : Disneyland, 1989, 'It's a Small World After All'. The ride broke down. So, Carol and I went behind a couple of those mechanical dutch children... then they fixed the ride and we were asked never to return to the Magic Kingdom. Phoebe : Oh, Rachel. Rachel : Oh come on, I already went. Monica : You did not go. Rachel : All right... oh, the foot of the bed. Ross : Step back... Joey : We have a winner. Ross : [about Rachel's date Russ] Plus, it takes the guy, what, I don't know, uh, like, a week, to get a sentence out? Chandler : Yeah, it's annoying, huh? Ross : Hey, Pheebs, you gonna have the rest of that Pop-Tart? Pheebs? Phoebe : Does anyone want the rest of this Pop-Tart Ross : Hey, I might. Katie : A paleontologist who works out... you're like "Indiana Jones." Ross : I AM like "Indiana Jones." [Ross got Joey a job at the museum, as a tour guide] Rachel : But shouldn't you know what you're talking about? Joey : Yeah, but they tell me everything I need to know. It's like reading a script. Like, "this is a Tyranosaurus Rex a creature from the Jurassic period". [everyone approves] Ross : Actually, Joey, it's the Cretaceous period. Joey : Yeah, but, I can pronounce Jurassic. Phoebe : I'm going to get a coffee. Anybody want anything? Monica : I'll have a latte. Ross : I'll have a blueberry muffin, with a decaf. Chandler : I'll have a bagel with a little... Phoebe : You know I was just being polite. [In Ross's apartment] Amy : Could I take this call upstairs? Ross : Sure... but we don't live there. Amy : [to Rachel] I thought he was a doctor. Rachel : He has a Phd. Amy : Ewww... Ross : Wow, Joey, that's a steamy picture. Joey : Yeah, I know. The magazine said it was for my gay fans. [winks at Ross] Ross : Why'd you wink at me? Joey : Don't look at me. You're the one who like the picture so much. Monica : Look, Joey feels really bad for what happened. He thinks you hate him. He wants to move to Vermont. Ross : I don't hate him. It's just... You know what, I'll go talk to him. It's not his fault. Monica : Thank you. He already asked me where he could exchange his dollars for Vermont money. Phoebe : Ok, I got an idea. If it's a girl, Phoebe, naturally. And, if it's a boy... Phoebo. Ross : Uhh... Sure, but let's not limit ourselves to just one name. Rachel : Ok, I got one. If it's a girl... Sandrine. It's French. Ross : That's a great name... for an industrial solvent. Rachel : Ok, you got a better one? Ross : Yeah, check this out. If it's a boy - Darwin. Rachel : Yes, Ross, I do want a son who'll be regularly beaten in the schoolyard. Phoebe : By Sandrine. Ross : I'm really going to have to settle down. I'm beginning to feel like a nomad. [Joey giggles] Ross : What's so funny? Chandler : He thought you said "gonad". [Ross and Rachel are picking out names for their baby, and have each 5 vetoes] Ross : Curie. Rachel : Veto. Rain. Ross : Veto. Mark. Rachel : Veto. Vince. Ross : Veto. Lance. Rachel : Veto. James. Ross : Hmmm... Rachel : If it's a girl. Ross : Veto. Phoebe : Is it just me, or is Vito beginning to sound real good? Monica : Oh, my god. Chandler. Why aren't you in Tulsa? Won't you get fired? Chandler : They can't fire me because I quit. I mean, why should everybody else do what they like, except for me. Monica : Oh, I'm so happy. Chandler : And, by the way, here are your Christmas presents. [hands out envelopes to everyone] Ross : [opens envelope] "A donation has been made in your name to the New York Ballet". [everyone looks disapprovingly at Chandler] Chandler : Ok, I don't have a JOB. [Jack knows that Richard is dating a younger woman, but doesn't know that it's actually Monica] Jack Geller : Come on, tell us. Jack's friend: Yeah. Is she really 20? Richard : I'm not telling you guys anything. Jack Geller : Come on, Rich. It's my birthday, let me live vicariously. Ross : Dad, you really don't want to do that. Jack Geller : Ahh, what's a little mid-life crisis between friends? Richard : Jack, would you let it go? Jack Geller : Look, I know what you're going through. When I turned 50 I got my Porsche. You... you got your own speedster. Richard : Guys, seriously, it's not like that. Jack Geller : Tell you what, maybe one of these weekends you can borrow the car and I could... Ross : Dad, I beg you not to finish that sentence. [Ross is selling girl scout cookies] Chandler : So, how many boxes did you sell? Ross : 517. Chandler : Wow. Ross : Yeah, I know. A week ago, I was at the planetarium, and as they were leaving I sold like 50 boxes. That's when I realized what sells a lot of these- munchies. After that, I started hitting NYU dorms around midnight. They call me "Cookie Duuuude". [Ross was selling girl scout cookies] Chandler : Tell us what happened, Brown Bird Ross. Ross : I lost. I only got second place. This one girl gave her girl scout outfit to her 19 year old sister. She went down to the U.S.S Nimitz and sold 2000 boxes. [At an advance taping of "Dick Clark's Rocking New Year's Eve"] Director: All right. All of you guys just dance and don't look at the cameras. Any questions? Ross : Yeah. When is this going to air. [Nobody laughs except for Ross and Monica] Director: Yeah. Let's start. Joey : Hey, Ross. When IS this going to air? [Ross asked Rachel to bring Joey to help move the couch but brought Chandler instead] Ross : So, did you bring Joey? Rachel : Uh, no, but I brought the next best thing. [Chandler walks in] Ross : Chandler. You brought Chandler. The next best thing would be Monica. Chandler : Normally, I would be offended, but Monica is freakishly strong. Ross : Chandler Muriel Bing... Your parents never gave you a chance. Rachel : I would like to invite Amy to Thanksgiving. Ross : You know, I think that's a great idea. It'll be like the Pilgrims bringing the Indians syphilis. Chandler : Time's up. Pheebs, how many you got? Phoebe : Well, I started naming states, but then I got tired of it. So, I started naming different types of celery. So far I only got one- regular celery. Chandler : ...Okay, Phoebe's got the lead in vegetables. Rach? Rachel : 48. Chandler : Not bad. Joey? Joey : Behold the new champion of Chandler's stupid state game. Ross : How many you got? Joey : 56. Phoebe : You still love Rachel. Ross : No, I don't. Phoebe : You got married to her. Ross : In Vegas. I was so drunk, I could've married Joey. Phoebe : [angry] Hey. You could do a lot worse than Joey Tribianni. Chandler : Now, remember, Ben, keep your balance. Ben : Thanks, daddy. Ross : No, remember, Ben, two mommies, one daddy. Ross : That's amazing. How did you know she would buy scotch tape? Chandler : 'Cause Joey and me used theirs up last night, making scary faces. [Ross's cousin is very attractive] Cassie : The last time we were together was in that cabin our parents rented. Remember that? Ross : Yeah. I tickled you until you cried... We're probably too old for that. Cassie : Yeah. I'll never forget that summer. That's when I got these freckles. [reveals a part of her shoulder, showing her bra strap] Ross : Whoa. Yeah. I'll never forget that summer either. That's the summer I, uh, figured out that we're related. Cassie : It took you that long to figure it out? Ross : Yeah, I'm a little slow. [softly] Ross : Just like our children would be... Cassie : Wow. You do a great Chandler. Ross : Wha?... Huh?... Oh, yeah. I, uh, do a lot of impressions. [laughs nervously] Ross : It's, uh, a hobby. Cassie : Oh, well, maybe when we catch up you could do me. Ross : Ye- No. Chandler : You can't wear Batman's tux. I got James Bond's tux. You'll ruin the special time for me. Ross : Look, you're marrying the woman you love. It's special enough. Chandler : [mimics Ross] Me me me me me meh. Don't do this to me. I wouldn't do anything on your wedding to make you upset. Ross : At my wedding, you slept with my sister. Chandler : 'Cause that's what 007 would do. [When one of Ross' male students claims to be in love with him] Ross : I mean, last year Elizabeth now-now this kid. What-what-what-what is it? Am I giving out some kind of... sexy professor vibe? Rachel : Not right now. [Joey is starring in a World War I epic] Ross : Why are you wearing sunglasses? Joey : Well, I figure if I wore them the guy wouldn't spit in my eyes so much when he talks. Ross : Yeah, and if I remember correctly, "Rayban" was the official sponsor of World War I. Joey : Really? Great. Ross : Ok, Monica once got a pencil stuck in a certain part of her body. What body part was it? [Chandler whispers the answer in Ross' ear] Ross : EEWW NO. Her EAR. Ross : Ok, look. You don't have to get married. We can just go home and take a shower. That's not so scary is it? Chandler : Depends on what you mean by "we". Chandler : Ok, I'm just going to go outside. Ross : Whoa, whoa, hold it. Chandler : Don't worry. I'm not going to run away again. I just want to get some fresh air. Ross : Ok. Chandler : [exits into hallway and lights a cigarette] Ahh, fresh air... [Ross is walking down the aisle at Chandler and Monica's wedding] Ross : Wow. This is the first time I've walked down the aisle without the possibility of it ending in divorce. Ross : All right, I'll tell you why you're a bad driver. You're fast and irresponsible. Rachel : Well, excuse me but in high school that made me head cheerleader. Ross : [clinks wine glass] Uhh, excuse me. If I could have everybody's attention. I'm Ross Geller. Jack Geller : DR. Ross Geller. Ross : Dad... Please. Anyway, as I was saying, I'm Dr. Ross Geller... Ross : Rachel won't talk to me. She won't even let me in the apartment. Phoebe : Hmmm, I wonder why, pervert? Ross : I'm not a pervert. Phoebe : Please, that's the pervert motto. They have you raise your right hand, put your left hand in your pants and say that. [Chandler is caught smoking] Phoebe : Oh, I can't believe you. You've been so good, for three years. Chandler : And this- is my reward. Ross : Hold on a second, all right? Just think about what you went through the last time you quit. Chandler : Okay, so this time I won't quit. Joey : So, what, you just want to stay here and wait for Rachel to come back from her date? Ross : Yeah. I mean, this guy could be my baby's stepfather. Joey : They go out on one date and you worry about her marrying him? He's not you. Monica : Look, Chandler, I feel really bad about this. Please have this bachelor party. Chandler : No. Monica : Stop being a baby and watch the hot woman get naked. Chandler : ...All right. Joey : YEAH. Chandler : But, I'm only doing this for you... And Joey. Monica : Ok, so who's going to be there? Chandler : No, no, no. Just Ross and Joey is humiliating enough. Ross : Well, actually, I have a date tonight. Chandler : Yeah, I understand. What kind of guy would blow off a date for a fake bachelor party. Joey : [on cell phone] Yeah, baby, I'm not gonna make it tonight... Mona: Thanks for showing me your pre-fossilized rock collection. You got 300 of them. It was fascinating. So, we still on for tonight? Ross : Sure. Mona: Ok. Bye. Ross : Bye. Chandler : [to Ross] Wow, you must be great in bed. Joey : [about a poker hand] There was chocolate on the 3. It looked like an 8. All right? Ross : You should've seen him. "Read 'em and weep". Chandler : And then he did. Chandler : Yo, paisan. Can I talk to you for a sec? Your tailor is a very bad man. Joey : Frankie? What are you talking about? Ross : Hey, what's going on? Chandler : Joey's tailor... took advantage of me. Ross : What? Joey : No way. I've been going to that guy for 12 years. Chandler : Oh, come on. He said he was going to do my inseam, and then he ran his hand up my leg. And then, there was definite... cupping. Joey : That's how they do pants. First they go up one side, they move it over, then they go up the other side, they move it back, and then they do the rear. [Chandler and Ross stare at him] Joey : What? Ross, Ross, would you tell him? Isn't that how they measure pants? Ross : Yes. Yes, it is... In prison. Phoebe : You name one woman that you broke up with for a real reason. Chandler : Maureen Rosilla. Ross : "'Cause she doesn't hate Yanni" is not a real reason. Ross : [on Monica's phone] Yeah, Tony, hold on. [gets second line] Ross : Hello? Yeah, she's right here. Hold on. [returns to second line] Ross : Yeah, Tony I'll call you back. It's my sister's boyfriend. [switches back to second line] Monica : Give me that. [into phone] Monica : Hi sweetie. Before I forget, did I leave my diaphragm at your house? [pause] Monica : Oh, hi mom. [starts throwing things at Ross] Joey : You guys have to be at the next table in case I, you know, start to say something stupid. Ross : Just now, or all the time? Because we have jobs you know. [to Joey's stalker who thinks he is Drake Remore] Joey : I'm not Drake. Ross : That's right, he's not Drake, he's Hans Remore, Drake's evil twin. Erica : Is this true? Rachel : Yes, yes it is true. And I know this because... because he pretended to be Drake too, to sleep with me. [Rachel throws water in his face] Monica : And then he told me he would run away with me, and he didn't. [Rachel throws water in his face] Chandler : And you left the toilet seat up, you bastard. [Chandler throws water in his face] [One of Ross's students wrote a flirtatious evaluation of his class] Chandler : So, who is she? Ross : I don't know. The evaluations were anonymous. Joey : Well, do you still have their final exams? Ross : Yeah. Joey : Well, it's simple. You take the final exams and the evaluations, you see whose handwriting matches, and boom. You got your admirer. Chandler : A hot chick is at stake and suddenly he's Rain Man. Phoebe : Where are the seats exactly? Ross : Middle balcony. Phoebe : Now would you say that that's more than fifty yards away from Sting, his wife, or a member of his family? Ross : Yeah. Phoebe : Than it's not breaking the law. I can go. Ross : I love marriage. Phoebe : Seriously? You?... Divorce-O? Ross : If you're going to call me names, I would prefer Ross, the Divorce Force. It's just cooler. [Ross's hand is in a cast and he is struggling to write something down] Joey : Hey, do you need any help? Ross : Why, does it look like I'm having trouble with my mis-shapened claw? Roger: Maybe you wanted your marriage with Carol to fail. Ross : No. Why would I why. No. Why. Roger: Siblings. You fail at something so your sibling will look better in the eyes of your parents. Ross : I don't think that Monica's failures... Monica : Oh, so I'm a failure now is that it? I'm a bigger failure than you, is that right? Ross : Hey, I married a lesbian to make you look good. Ross : Don't you want a washboard stomach and rock-hard abs? Chandler : No. I want a flabby gut and saggy man-breasts. [In Vegas, Ross and Rachel are drunk in their hotel room] Rachel : [Picking up the phone] Hello? Vegas? Yes, we would like some more alcohol, and you know, we would like some more beers too... hello? Oh wait... I forgot to dial. [There is a knock at the door] Ross : That must be our alcohol and beers. Ross : Chandler was how old when he first touched a girl's breasts? Rachel : 14. Ross : No, 19. Chandler : Thanks, man. Ross : Ask them if it would be faster if we cut the baby's face off of the penis and moved it to the bunny... That's a WEIRD sentence. Ross : While we're waiting, why don't you guys record your message to Emma? Chandler : Hi Emma. It's the year 2020. Are you still enjoying your nap? Chandler : Hey, Joey. Playboy published my joke. Ross : No, it's MY joke. Chandler : No, it's mine. Ross : No, it was MY joke. Joey : Hey, hey, hey. You guys. You know they put pictures of naked chicks in there, right? Ross : Hey, remember when I had a monkey? Yeah, what was I thinking? Ross : Seriously? Rachel : Yes, I was 4 years-old and I was on the swing and then all of a sudden my hair got tangled in the chain. And to get me out my mom had to - had to cut a big chunk of my hair. [she starts crying] Rachel : And it was uneven for weeks. Ross : [sarcastically] And you made it through that? I wonder who's gonna play you in the movie. Rachel : Ok, fine. You can make fun of me. I do not want Emma going there. [pause] Rachel : And I was thinking Claire Danes. [Ross looking at Monica's legs] Ross : Wow. Chandler : Hey stop staring at my wife's legs. No, no, stop staring at your sister's legs [for the upcoming wedding, Ross and Chandler have gotten suits formerly worn by movie stars] Ross : Hey, hey... why don't we put them on? You know, get a picture of Batman and James Bond, together. Chandler : I would, but mine doesn't fit. The pants are a little tight. Monica : Too tight? I can see double-O *and* seven in those things. Ross : I made Marcel's favorite: Banana cake... Joey : Mmm. Ross : ...with mealworm. Joey : Ugh. Ross : We *were* on a *break*! Chandler : What? What? What is it? That she left you? That she likes women? That she left you for another woman that likes women? Ross : A little louder, okay? I think there's a man on the twelfth floor - in a COMA - who didn't hear you. Joey : Of course it was a line! Monica : Why? Why? Why would anyone do something like that? Ross : I assume we're looking for an answer more sophisticated than, "to get you into bed." Ross : You-you-you-you [trying to remain in control] Ross : threw my sandwich away MY SANDWICH? MY SANDWICH! Ross : So, uh, how long are you going to punish him? Joey : Five years. Ross : You've sentenced him? Joey : Hey, don't do the crime if you can't do the time. Ross : So why don't you quit? Chandler : You don't think I've tried? You think I like have 50 dollars taken out of my bank account every month? No, they make you go all the way down there! Then they use all these phrases and peppiness to try to confuse you. And then they bring out Maria. Ross : Who is Maria? Chandler : Ah, Maria. You can't say no to her. She's like this lycra/spandex covered gym... treat. Rachel : Thank you for my beautiful earrings, they're perfect. I love you. Ross : Oh, now you can exchange them if you want, okay? Rachel : Now I love you even more. Joey : Ross, have you ever been beaten up before? Ross : Yeah, sure. Joey : By someone besides Monica? Phoebe : You guys, this may sound weird, but I think this cat is my mom. Ross : Uh... why do you think that? Phoebe : Well, okay... the first thing she was drawn to was the orange felt lining of my guitar case. Ross : So? Phoebe : So... my mom's favorite fish was orange ruffee. [Everyone stares... ] Phoebe : Cats love fish! Ross : Did you see the kid on that nose? Ross : You uh, you don't believe in gravity? Phoebe : Well, it's not so much that you know, like I don't believe in it, you know, it's just... I don't know, lately I get the feeling that I'm not so much being pulled down as I am being pushed. [Knock at door] Chandler : Uh-Oh. It's Isaac Newton, and he's pissed. [Ross is having problems naming all 50 states] Ross : I hate America! When I finish this game, I swear I am moving. [Elizabeth is packing for spring break] Ross : [Holding a tiny swimsuit from Elizabeth's suitcase] What is this. Elizabeth: A swimsuit. Ross : You mean to wear in front of people? Elizabeth: Is that being supportive? Ross : [holding up swimsuit] Is *this*? Ross : [frantically presses buttons on answering machine] Oh my God! Did she get off the plane? Did she get off the plane? Rachel : [from behind] I got off the plane. Ross : Hi... Joey : Pfft... This guy says, "Hello," I wanna kill myself. Ross : Grab a spoon... Do you know how long it's been since I grabbed a spoon? Do the words "Billy don't be a hero" mean anything to you? Joey : Great story! But I gotta go... I date with Angela... Andrea... Oh man! Chandler : Andrea's the screamer, Angela has cats. Joey : Right thanks... it's Julie... I'm outta here! Rachel : Guess what? Ross : You got a job? Rachel : Are you kidding? I'm trained for nothing! I was laughed at 12 interviews today Chandler : And yet you're surprisingly upbeat! Rachel : Well you would be too if you got new boots 50% off Chandler : Oh how well you know me Ross : Oh I gotta go kids... I go Lamaze class Chandler : Oh! And I got Earth Science but I'll catch you in Gym? Ross : So I don't know if he's testing me or just acting out but my monkey is OUT OF CONTROL!... He keeps erasing the messages on my machine! Rachel : Oh yeah... I've done that Ross : And a few days ago he got to the newspaper before I did and peed all over the crossword! Rachel : I've never done that Ross : And last night I don't know what he did but there were capers EVERYWHERE! Chandler : I know they call this a love seat but I'm not feeling anything special towards you... Ross : [takes newspaper... folds it up... faces Chandler... and hits him... ] Ross : I want someone who gets my heart pounding [sees Rachel] Ross : ... Someone who... Chandler : Little play things with yarn? Ross : What? Chandler : Could you want her more? Ross : Who? Chandler : Dee the sarcastic sister from "What's Happening". Rachel : You learned some new moves. Ross : A friend at work gave me Sex for Dummies as a joke. Who's laughing now? Rachel : You didn't finish reading it? Ross : It was 5:30 in the morning, and you had rambled on for eighteen pages - front and back! Joey : Hey you guys ever been to the Rainbow Room? Is it expensive? Chandler : Only if you order stuff... Joey : I'm takin Ursula there, it's her birthday Ross : Woah, woah, woah! What about Pheobe's birthday? Joey : When's that? Ross : Tonight! Joey : Oh man... what are the odds of that happening? Ross : You take your time... Chandler : "Garge"? Ross : Nautical term Chandler : Cheating man! Ross : Uh, Pheebs I don't think "scrunchie" is a word... Phoebe : Why not? If "crunchie" is a word why isn't "scrunchie"? Chandler : All right well I'm usin that same argument for "fligament" Ross : [runs into hospital holding Marcel] You've got to help me my monkey swallowed a "K"! Nurse : Get that animal outta here! Ross : No the animal hospital is on the other side of the city he's choking! Nurse : Excuse me? This hospital is for people! Ross : Lady he IS people! He has a name! OK? He watches Jepordy! He... he... touches himself when no one's watching! Ross : Hey who is this Casey? Why's he calling Rachel? Chandler : Well I'm guessing he wants to do a little dance... You know make a little love... Well pretty much get down tonight... Ross : [puts message in cupboard] Phoebe : Oh! What is that shiny thing? Ross : [Quickly picks up Chandlers braclet from the floor] Chandler : It's a... [goes to take it away from Ross but Ross pushes his hand away] Chandler : ... Yeah it's a little flashy... Ross : No no... no no... this isn't flashy enough for a good fella... Ross : You're crazy! Benjamin Hobart : Crazy? Or... Romantic? Ross : Crazy! Benjamin Hobart : Ooor . . . Ross : Get out! Ross : Hey. Phoebe : So, How are things going with crazy? Has she cooked your rabbit yet? [Ross is trying to talk Rachel's boss into giving her her job back so she won't go to Paris; Mr. Zelner has a son who is also named Ross] Ross : Does little Ross like dinosaurs by any chance? Mr. Zelner : Yeah, they're all he talks about, why? Ross : How would he like to come with me to the Museum of Natural History after everyone else has left, just the two of us, and he can touch anything he wants. [Mr. Zelner looks shocked] Ross : I just heard it as you must have heard it and that's not good. Let me start again. I'm a paleontologist, you'll be there with us and the touching refers only to bones - fossils! Ross : [after trying to kiss his cousin] [thinking] Ross : Say something. Say anything. Nothing you say could make this situation worse. Oh my God, this is the longest that anyone has not spoken EVER. [actually speaking to his cousin] Ross : I haven't had sex in a very long time. [thinking again] Ross : Yeah you really shouldn't have said anything. Ross : [talking to Rachel's old boss] If you rehire Rachel, I will give your son this genuine teridactal egg, replica. Movie Title: Kissing a Fool (1998) as Max Abbitt: Max Abbitt : This is not a toothpick, okay? It's an Australian chewing stick. See, I know other countries in Europe! Max Abbitt : True love cannot be found where it does not truly exist, nor can it be hidden where it truly does. [on Jay putting an end to Max's hedonistic lifestyle] Jay Murphy : I mean, Max, you don't wanna become that fourty-year-old guy who's still out at the clubs with the silk shirt and gold chains trying to pick up on college girls, do you? Max Abbitt : Of course not, Jay.. at forty, I wanna be the bald guy with a pony-tail and a Harley trying to pick up High School girls. Jay Murphy : You're an idiot. Max Abbitt : Yet you're the one in therapy. Jay Murphy : You're the one who SHOULD be. Max Abbitt : Maybe you can get me in! I've always wanted to pay a hundred bucks an hour to talk myself out of being happy. Max Abbitt : He's drunk, he's been drinking an awful lot lately. Jay Murphy : He's right! Jay Murphy : You're an idiot. Max Abbitt : You're the one in therapy! [Speaking about a large book.] Jay Murphy : So read it then. Max Abbitt : Read it? I can barely lift it! Max Abbitt : Ever have sex in a Mercedes? Convertible. Max Abbitt : You stick with the Virgin Mary, and remember, if you fuck it up again, you're back to Italy doing another romance novel. Max Abbitt : She thinks I'm uncomfortable around her now, which I am, because of your stupid test. Max Abbitt : I thought we agreed not to set each other up anymore. Jay Murphy : No, I agreed not to let you set me up anymore after that girl who you said was perfect for me tied me up and came out with that hood and cane and offered to beat the shit out of me. Jay Murphy : Why would I set you up with some girl that I banged? Max Abbitt : Share the wealth, brother. |
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