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 Bruce Willis Quotation"I'm much more proud of being a father than being an actor." "You can't undo the past... but you can certainly not repeat it." "I'm staggered by the question of what it's like to be a multimilionaire. I always have to remind myself that I am." Movie Title: The Kid (2000) as Russ Duritz: Rusty Duritz : Isn't it cool we both have to go to the bathroom at the same time? Russ Duritz : Oh, yeah. This is a moment I'll cherish forever. Rusty Duritz : How old are you? Russ Duritz : Forty. In a couple days. Rusty Duritz : That is old! I'm turning eight. In a couple days. Russ Duritz : Eight. You're eight. I'm eight. Rusty Duritz : This is scary. Russ Duritz : No. This is hilarious. Russ Duritz : There's safety in sandwiches. Russ Duritz : Look at him. It's so embarrassing. Amy : You're not embarrassing. I think you're adorable... then. You're adorable then. Rusty Duritz : When do I learn how to drive? Russ Duritz : When you're sixteen. Rusty Duritz : When do I get a car? Russ Duritz : When you're eighteen. Rusty Duritz : When do I get a hickey? Russ Duritz : [smile] When you're seventeen. Rusty Duritz : When do I find out what a hickey is? Russ Duritz : Not tonight. Russ Duritz : Toshiya, let me ask you something. If you get called a jerk four times in a single day, does that make it true? Amy : What, only four? Did you get up late? Russ Duritz : Excuse me, I'm asking Toshiya. Toshia : Four times is a pattern. It have to be five times to be a fact. Russ Duritz : Thank you. See? There's hope after all. Amy : Jerk. Movie Title: Look Who's Talking (1989) as Mikey: [The moment he's born.] Mikey : Put me back in! Put me back in! James : Mind if I borrow some of this? [takes Mikey's bottle and pours the milk into his coffee cup] James : Thank a lot, man. [drinks coffee] Mollie : Hey, you know, that's breast milk. James : [spits out coffee] Really, now? [turns to Mikey] James : Why didn't you tell me? Mikey : Hey, man, you're on your own. James : Are you thinkin' what I'm thinkin'? Mikey : Yeah. Lunch! Mollie : I'm sorry that I made you wear that stupid outfit, and I'm sorry that you had to meet that MEAN MAN. You'll never have to see him again. You know what I don't get? Every time I take you somewhere, everyone says how cute you are, and how crazy they are about you? Mikey : Naturally. Mollie : Then, the one person who has the genetic bondage treats you like a jerk. Here, let me dry it now. Everyone loves you. All the kids at the playground love you, Ma loves you, Rona loves you, everybody at work loves you, James loves you... Mikey, do you love James? [Mikey picks up a toy telephone] Mikey : Give him a call. Mollie : What, honey? You want to play telephone? Mikey : Call him. [immediately after being born] Mikey : This has got to be the weirdest day of my life... well, so far. Mollie : So you're the one who was kicking me. Mikey : Well, you're the one who ate all that spicy food. Mikey : I don't get it. I just don't get it. And, I don't like it. Where'd I go wrong? [Mikey says Daddy] James : He- he said Daddy! Mollie : I think he called you Daddy. Mikey : [sarcastically] No, I'm talking to hear myself say it! Mikey : Help! Help! Somebody burp me before I blow up! Mikey : [gazing at Carrie's chest] Wait a minute. These things come in different sizes? What are these, jumbos? Mikey : Is that a new hat, or is it time to change the bandage? Mikey : How many babies does it take to change a light bulb? Sand Box Baby : How many? Mikey : What's a light bulb? [both burst out laughing] [James and Molly kiss] Mikey : Boy, I hope they don't get stuck together like that. Movie Title: The Jackal (1997) as The Jackal: [The Jackal shoots and blows Lamont's arm off] The Jackal : I told you it was off! Movie Title: Mercury Rising (1998) as Art Jeffries: Art Jeffries : Well, it's good to see you've got your priorities in order. You care about a $75 bottle of wine, but you don't give a fuck about killing a nine year old boy. Movie Title: The Sixth Sense (1999) as Malcolm Crowe: Cole Sear : We were supposed to draw a picture, anything we wanted. I drew a man who got hurt in the neck by another man with a screwdriver. Malcolm Crowe : You saw that on TV, Cole? Cole Sear : Everyone got upset. They had a meeting. Mom started crying. I don't draw like that any more. Malcolm Crowe : How do you draw now? Cole Sear : Draw... people smiling, dogs running, rainbows. They don't have meetings about rainbows. Cole Sear : Are you a good doctor? Malcolm Crowe : Well... I used to be. I won an award once. From the Mayor. It had an expensive frame. Cole Sear : Congratulations. Cole Sear : Tell me a story about why you're sad. Malcolm Crowe : Do you think I'm sad? [Cole nods.] Malcolm Crowe : What makes you think that? Cole Sear : Your eyes told me. Malcolm Crowe : Once upon a time there was this person named Malcolm. He worked with children. Loved it more than anything. Then one night, he finds out he made a mistake with one of them. Didn't help that one at all. He thinks about that one a lot. Can't forget. Ever since then, things have been different. He's become messed up. Confused. Angry. Not the same person he used to be. And his wife doesn't like the person he's become. They hardly speak at all anymore. They're like strangers. And then one day this person Malcolm meets a wonderful boy who reminds him of that one. Reminds him a lot of that one. Malcolm decides to try to help this new boy. He thinks maybe if he can help this boy, it would be like helping that one too. Cole Sear : How does the story end? Malcolm Crowe : I don't know. Cole Sear : I see dead people. Malcolm Crowe : In your dreams? [Cole shakes his head no] Malcolm Crowe : While you're awake? [Cole nods] Malcolm Crowe : Dead people like, in graves? In coffins? Cole Sear : Walking around like regular people. They don't see each other. They only see what they want to see. They don't know they're dead. Malcolm Crowe : How often do you see them? Cole Sear : All the time. Cole Sear : I walk this way to school with Tommy Tammisimo. Malcolm Crowe : He your best buddy? Cole Sear : He hates me. Malcolm Crowe : You hate him? Cole Sear : No. Malcolm Crowe : Your mom set that up? Cole Sear : Yes. Malcolm Crowe : You ever tell her about how it is with Tommy? Cole Sear : I don't tell her anything. Malcolm Crowe : Why? Cole Sear : Because she doesn't look at me like everybody else does and I don't want her to. I don't want her to know. Malcolm Crowe : Know what? Cole Sear : That I'm a freak. Malcolm Crowe : Hey... you are not a freak. Don't you believe anybody that tells you that. It's bullshit and you don't have to grow up believing that. You hear me? Cole Sear : You said the "s" word. Malcolm Crowe : Yeah... sorry. [Malcolm arrives late for dinner with his wife] Malcolm Crowe : I thought you meant the other Italian restaurant where I asked you to marry me. Cole Sear : You ever feel the prickly things on the back of your neck? Malcolm Crowe : Yes. Cole Sear : And the tiny hairs on your arm, you know when they stand up? That's them. When they get mad... it gets cold. Malcolm Crowe : Anna Crowe, I am in love... in love I am. Cole Sear : Instead of something I want, can it be something I don't want? Malcolm Crowe : Okay... Cole Sear : I don't wanna be scared anymore. Movie Title: Death Becomes Her (1992) as Ernest Menville / Ernest: Helen Sharp : You're a powerful sexual being, Ernest. Ernest Menville : I am? Helen Sharp : Yes, you are. If I never told you before, it was because I wasn't the sort of girl who could say the word "sexual" without blushing. Well I can now. Sexual... sensual... sexy... sex... sex... sex... Emergency Room Doctor : I tell you what, kids, it's, uh, odd thing here. Your wrist, uh, far as I can tell, is, uh, fractured in three places. Uh, and you've shattered, uh, two vertebrae, though I can't be certain without an X-ray... The bone protrusion through the skin -- that's not a good sign. You're body temperature is below 80, and your, your, your heart's stopped beating. Ernest Menville : What the hell does that mean? Emergency Room Doctor : Exactly! What... what... I'm going to get a second opinion. [The doctor leaves in a hurry] Madeline Ashton : Well, it could be worse. Ernest Menville : Where did you put my wife? Second Doctor : She's dead, sir. They took her to the morgue. Ernest Menville : The morgue? She'll be FURIOUS! Ernest : Is this an angel I see before me? Madeleine : Oh, it's you. Ernest : Fine, dear, thank you, like a rock. [about his wife] Ernest : Is it up yet? Helen : Madeleine! I need to speak to Madeleine! Ernest : She's not here. Helen : Oh, thank god. Ernest : You're sitting there, you're talking to me, but you're dead! Helen : Ernest, ask me to go. Ask me to leave this house immediately! Ernest : You just got here! Ernest : She's dead! Madeleine : She is? These are the moments that make life worth living. [Lisle stabs his finger] Ernest : What are you doing? Lisle : I'm loving you. Lisle : Siempre Viva! Live Forever! Ernest : Then what? Lisle : What? Ernest : Then what happens? Lisle : What? Ernest : I don't want to live forever. I mean, it sounds good, but what am I gonna do? What if I get bored? Lisle : What? Ernest : And what if I get lonely? Who am I gonna hang around with, Madeleine and Helen? Lisle : But you'll never grow old! Ernest : Yes, but everybody else will! I'll have to watch everyone around me die. I don't think this is right. This is not a dream. This is a nightmare! Ernest : Well, from now on, I'm going to be the kind of idiot I want to be! Movie Title: The Story of Us (1999) as Ben: Ben : And you can take that bread and shove it up the tops of your legs! Ben : Isn't this the moment where one of us is supposed to say: Look, this is ridiculous, we love each other, all couples go through this, let's give it another try. Movie Title: The Siege (1998) as General William Deveroux / General William Devereaux: General William Devereaux : The CIA didn't know the Berlin Wall was falling until the bricks started hitting them in the face. General William Devereaux : This is the land of opportunity, gentlemen. You have the opportunity to turn yourself in. General William Deveroux : This is a new kind of war. Anthony 'Hub' Hubbard : William Devereaux, you are under arrest for the torture and murder of Tariq Husseini, an American citizen. General William Devereaux : Is this some kind of a joke? Anthony 'Hub' Hubbard : You see me laughing, general? Anthony 'Hub' Hubbard : Are you people insane? What are you talkin' about? General William Devereaux : The time has come for one man to suffer in order to save hundreds of lives. Anthony 'Hub' Hubbard : One Man? What about two? What about six? How about public executions, huh? General William Devereaux : Feel free to leave whenever you like, Agent Hubbard. Anthony 'Hub' Hubbard : Come on General, you've lost men, I've lost men, but you can't do this. What if what they really want... what if they don't even want the Sheik? Have you considered that, huh? What if what they really want is for us to herd children into stadiums like we're doing? And put soldiers on the street and have Americans looking over their shoulders? Bend the law, shred the Constitution just a little bit. Because if we torture him, General, we do that and everything we have bled and fought and died for is over. And they've won. They've already won! General William Devereaux : Escort him out. General William Devereaux : Twelve hours after the President gives the order we can be on the ground. One light infantry division of 10,700 men, elements of the Rapid Deployment Force, Special Forces, Delta, APCs, helicopters, tanks and of course the ubiquitous M-16 A1 assault rifle. A humble enough weapon until you see it in the hands of a man outside your local bowling alley or 7-11. It will be noisy, it will be scary and it will not be mistaken for a VFW parade. General William Devereaux : The Army is a broad sword, not a scalpel. Trust me, senator - you do not want the Army in an American city. General William Devereaux : Go fuck yourself, bureau! I am serving my country. Why don't you try serving yours? Movie Title: Nobody's Fool (1994) as Carl Roebuck: Carl Roebuck : 60 years old and still getting crushes on other men's wives. I hope that when I'm your age, I'll be a little bit smarter than that. Sully : You sure are off to a slow start. Sully : What's the matter with you? Wirf : I'm trying to communicate with you telepathically. Carl Roebuck : Forget about it. The only way to communicate with Sully's to whack him in the head with a shovel. Movie Title: The Bonfire of the Vanities (1990) as Peter Fallow: Peter Fallow : Caroline, you devil. Caroline Heftshank : Peter, you pig! Peter Fallow : If you're going to live in a whorehouse, there's only one thing you can do: be the best damn whore around. Movie Title: Look Who's Talking Too (1990) as Mikey: Mikey : Got you a gift for coming into the world, here it is, [offers her a stuffed cow] Mikey : Have a cow, honey. [Julie begins to bawl] Mikey : Alright don't have a cow. Mikey : Poor Daddy, hanging out with buttholes all day long. [Mikey is learning the difference between men and women] Mikey : [Is shown a picture of a man] Penis. [Is shown a picture of a woman] Mikey : No penis. [Is shown a picture of George Bush] Mikey : [Thinking] Hmm, that's a tough one. Mikey : I don't care what you say, I'm not pooping in that thing. I've got my standards. Movie Title: Striking Distance (1993) as Tom Hardy: Tom Hardy : How was California? Danny Detillo : Sunny. Tom Hardy : Sunny? You've been out there two years and that's all you've got to say? Danny Detillo : The Simpsons are on an hour earlier. Det. Nick Detillo : There's an old Italian saying: don't burn your tongue on another man's soup. Tom Hardy : Yeah? There's an old Irish saying: don't listen to old Italian sayings. Tom Hardy : I've never had a woman partner before. Jo Christman : Neither have I. Movie Title: Twelve Monkeys (1995) as James Cole: Jeffrey Goines : You know what crazy is? Crazy is majority rules. Take germs for example. James Cole : Germs? Jeffrey Goines : Uh-huh. Eighteenth century, no such thing, nada, nothing. No one ever imagined such a thing. No sane person. Along comes this doctor, uh, Semmelweis, Semmelweis. Semmelweis comes along. He's trying to convince people, other doctors mainly, that's there's these teeny tiny invisible bad things called germs that get into your body and make you sick. He's trying to get doctors to wash their hands. What is this guy? Crazy? Teeny, tiny, invisible? What do they call it? Uh-uh, germs? Huh? What? Now, up to the 20th century, last week, as a matter of fact, before I got dragged into this hellhole. I go in to order a burger at this fast food joint, and the guy drops it on the floor. James, he picks it up, he wipes it off, he hands it to me like it's all OK. "What about the germs?" I say. He says, "I don't believe in germs. Germs is a plot made up so they could sell disinfectants and soaps." Now he's crazy, right? James Cole : Look at them. They're just asking for it. Maybe the human race deserves to be wiped out. Jeffrey Goines : Wiping out the human race? That's a great idea. That's great. But more of a long-term thing. I mean, first we have to focus on more immediate goals. James Cole : Oh, wouldn't it be great if I *was* crazy? Then the world would be okay. James Cole : All I see is dead people. James Cole : This is a place for crazy people. I'm not crazy. Dr. Peters : We don't use the term "crazy," Mr. Cole. James Cole : Well you've got some real nuts here. James Cole : You're all gonna die. Dr. Kathryn Railly : Nobody is going to die! You're not going to save the world, Okay you're delusional. You've made this all up out of bits and piece in you're head. James Cole : No. Dr. Kathryn Railly : Uh, Yes! Let me give you an example you know Jeffrey Goines. You were both patients at county hospital, at the same time. James Cole : Jeffrey Goines was a fruitcake. James Cole : She's not honey babe, She's a doctor. My psychiatrist. Understand? Charlie the Hotel Clerk : Whatever gets it up for you jack. James Cole : I am insane, and you are my insanity. Dr. Kathryn Railly : Where are we going? James Cole : Philadelphia. Dr. Kathryn Railly : Philadelphia? That's more then a hundred miles away! James Cole : I know, that's why I can't walk there. Movie Title: Hudson Hawk (1991) as Hudson Hawk: Darwin Mayflower : I'll kill your friends, your family, and the bitch you took to the prom! Hudson Hawk : Betty Jo Byarsky? I can get you an address on that, if you want. Hudson Hawk : You fuck my freedom for a lousy job? [Hawk has just decapitated a villain] Hudson Hawk : Looks like you won't be attending that hat convention in July. Gates : I got a proposition for ya. Hudson Hawk : Answer's "no," Gates... Even if you bathe. Hudson Hawk : But I want to do community service; I want to teach the handicapped how to yodel. Hudson Hawk : If the Mario brothers weren't New Jersey's third-largest crime family, I'd say, "Kiss my ass." But considering your status, I will say, "Slurp my butt." Tommy Five-Tone : Did I miss anything? Hudson Hawk : Gates tries to blackmail me, you ask me "Did I miss anything." Gates gets killed, you say "Did I miss anything." I bet you went up to Mrs. Lincoln at the Ford Theatre and said "How was the show? Did I miss anything?" Hudson Hawk : Is looking like a constipated warthog a prerequisite for getting a job in the artworld? Hudson Hawk : I guess we see who wears the penis in this family. George Kaplan : I've always had a soft spot in my heart for Rome. I did my first bare-handed strangulation here. Communist politician. Hudson Hawk : Why George you old softie. George Kaplan : God, I miss Communism. The Red threat... people were scared... the agency had some respect and I got laid every night. Waiter : I am the waiter sir. Hudson Hawk : Oh. Very nice. Fettucini con fungi porcinni. Prego. Oh, and bring me a bottle of ketchup, will ya? Anna : You heard him. Waiter : Ketchup! Ketchup! Stupid Americanos always ketchup... Darwin Mayflower : The last ingredient in the recipe is Da Vinci's model of a helicopter... Minerva Mayflower : ...on display for three days only at the Louvre in Paris. Hudson Hawk : As opposed to the Louvre in Wisconsin? Hudson Hawk : Will you play Nintendo with me? Anna : I can't think of anyone I'd rather play Nintendo with. George Kaplan : The last time you saw me I was bald, beard with no mustache, and I had a different nose. So if you don't recognize me, I won't be offended Hudson Hawk : My high school science teacher? Hudson Hawk : Hey, this doesn't taste like cappuccino. Hudson Hawk : Anna, we're supposed to be saving YOU. Hudson Hawk : Oh, no! Of COURSE you love me! It's YOUR JOB! You probably love Butterfingers over there. [Tommy Five-Tone is miraculously alive at the end of the film] Hudson Hawk : You're supposed to be all cracked up at the bottom of the hill! Hudson Hawk : How's my driving? 1-800-I'm-gonna-fuckin'-die! Butterfinger : I'm Butterfingers. Hudson Hawk : No Shit. Movie Title: Beavis and Butt-Head Do America (1996) as Muddy / Muddy Grimmes: Muddy Grimmes : You got any last words before I kill ya? Butt-head : I got a couple - buttcheeks. Beavis : Yeah - and boobs. I just wanna say that again... Boobs. Muddy Grimmes : I'm gonna blow ya both to hell,that's what I'm goin' to do! Butt-head : Cool. [After Beavis and Butt-head enter the motel room] Muddy Grimmes : Man, Earl said you guys were young, but... jeez. Oh, well. As long as you can get the job done. What are your names? Butt-head : Uh, Butt-head. Beavis : Beavis. Muddy Grimmes : Heh heh. That's OK. I'd rather not know your real names, anyway. My name's Muddy. Muddy : You guy's are late Butt-head : Really? Did we miss Baywatch? Movie Title: Blind Date (1987) as Walter Davis: Walter Davis : Nadia I'm taking you home! Nadia Gates : To Baton Rouge? Walter Davis : I'm taking you to your friends house! Now what's the address? Nadia Gates : Oh I feel horrible... Walter Davis : OH dare I to hope that you sobered up? Nadia Gates : Walter if you will just drop me off at a hotel... Walter Davis : [cuts off Nadia] What? and bring an end to this glorious evening? Walter Davis : New car? Ted Davis : [very smug from behind his sunglasses] Yes... Walter Davis : [leans forward and vomits in car] Uuuuugggghhhhhh! Movie Title: The Whole Nine Yards (2000) as Jimmy / Jimmy "The Tulip" Tudeski / Jimmy 'The Tulip' Tudeski: Jimmy "The Tulip" Tudeski : It doesn't matter how many people I've killed. What matters is how I get along with the people who are still alive. Jimmy "The Tulip" Tudeski : Everybody dies. Sooner or later. Jimmy "The Tulip" Tudeski : I'm gonna keep the soda and the fries but I'm gonna send this back. If you bring me another hamburger with mayonnaise on it, I will chop off your legs, set fire to your house, and watch as you drag your bloody stumps out the door. Nicholas "Oz" Oseransky : I just want you to know that everything I did, I did for love. Jimmy "The Tulip" Tudeski : Yeah, whatever. Jimmy "The Tulip" Tudeski : I take it you're not Canadian. Nicholas "Oz" Oseransky : Only by marriage. Jill St. Claire : What about the Walther? You know it's the same gun James Bond uses? Jimmy "The Tulip" Tudeski : Really? Jill St. Claire : Yeah. Nicholas "Oz" Oseransky : Damn it, Jimmy. What the hell did you have to move next door to me? Jimmy "The Tulip" Tudeski : Oz, do you know what kind of soil they have in the back yard? I've been here two days and I've got these tiny little tomato plants... Nicholas "Oz" Oseransky : Oh my God. Jimmy : You like living in Canada? Nicholas "Oz" Oseransky : I live here with my wife. Jimmy "The Tulip" Tudeski : Every red-blooded American knows that the only condiment that you are ever supposed to put on a hamburger is KETCHUP. Or maybe some of that special sauce you like so much here in Canada; which I think has a little bit of mayonnaise in it too, but I swear to God when they start slapping that mayonnaise on there I could kill somebody. Jimmy 'The Tulip' Tudeski : The great and powerful Oz. Jimmy 'The Tulip' Tudeski : You're a dentist? Nicholas "Oz" Oseransky : Afraid so. Jimmy 'The Tulip' Tudeski : You suicidal? Nicholas "Oz" Oseransky : Why would you say that? Jimmy 'The Tulip' Tudeski : Well, I read that dentists are prone to suicide. Nicholas "Oz" Oseransky : Look, Jimmy, I may hate my life, but I certainly don't want to die. Jimmy 'The Tulip' Tudeski : [speaking about 'Oz'] You are the most chivalrous guy I've ever met. Jill St. Claire : Do you see why I couldn't kill him? Jimmy 'The Tulip' Tudeski : Friends do not engage in sexual congress with each other's wives. Jimmy 'The Tulip' Tudeski : I'm telling you this like a friend because if you screw this up - I would hate to... I would really hate to have to kill you. I would hate it more than mayonnaise. You know how much I hate mayonnaise. Nicholas "Oz" Oseransky : Why did you kill him? Jimmy 'The Tulip' Tudeski : Well, I had to kill one of you. Nicholas "Oz" Oseransky : Well, then you definitely made the right decision. But why did you have to kill him? Jimmy "The Tulip" Tudeski : You know this whole... sneaking into the house thing, to try to kill me? You guys are really good! You really... heh heh heh... bye, Janni! [shoots Janni in the head] [after Oz tells Jimmy over a payphone he loves Jimmy's wife, while Jimmy doesn't know they slept together] Jimmy "The Tulip" Tudeski : Will you listen to yourself? What are you talkin' about, you love her? You just met her! [to Frankie] Jimmy "The Tulip" Tudeski : He said he's in love with Cynthia! Frankie Figs : No shit! Jill St. Claire : So SHE'S the one! Jimmy "The Tulip" Tudeski : She's the one what? Jill St. Claire : The one he schtupped in Chicago! Jimmy "The Tulip" Tudeski : The one he... Jimmy "The Tulip" Tudeski : My wife? You shtupped my wife, Oz? Nicholas "Oz" Oseransky : I wouldn't exactly put it quite like that, I mean... Jimmy "The Tulip" Tudeski : [Jimmy's anger is increasing] No, no, no! Let me get this straight. You went down to Chicago and engaged in sexual CONGRESS with my wife? Is that it? IS IT? [now livid] Jimmy "The Tulip" Tudeski : I SWEAR TO GOD! [Jill takes the phone from Jimmy] Jill St. Claire : Oz. You, stud you. Frankie Figs : He gonna be a DEAD stud. Movie Title: Color of Night (1994) as Dr. Bill Capa: Dr. Bill Capa : In the what-I-wait-for department, you're it baby. Dr. Bill Capa : If I knew it was your birthday, Hector, I would have stopped by tomorrow. Hector Martinez : Yeah, me too. Dr. Bill Capa : Does mommy know you escaped from a straight jacket? Dr. Bob Moore : Why don't we cut through this macho shit and just drop our pants and see who has the bigger dick? Then we can go home, sit down and have a nice, civilized breakfast. Dr. Bill Capa : It wouldn't be civilized. Dr. Bob Moore : Why not? Dr. Bill Capa : Because you'd be sulking! Movie Title: Moonlighting (1985) as David Addison / David: David : I remember when they told Sylvia Plath, "Hey, Syl, cheer up!" I remember when they told e. e. cummings, "e, baby; use caps!" But did ol' e listen? No. Little n. Little o. David : And then last night, an idea hit me! Maddie : Left a bruise, I hope. David : Who is the one person out there, who is spreading happiness and joy out there in the world? Maddie : Steven Spielberg? David : SANTY CLAUS!! Maddie Hayes : Well, let me remind you Mr. Addison, that one case does not a detective make. David Addison : Well, let me remind you Ms. Hayes, that I HATE IT WHEN YOU TALK BACKWARDS. Maddie Hayes : David, may I please have some ANSWERS?! David Addison : Delaware, all of the above, 90 degrees. David Addison : Do bears bear? Do bees be? Man: You can't just burst in here like that. David Addison : Oh yeah? Tell that to the writers. [Reading a ransom note.] Maddie Hayes : "Exactly"'s all in capital letters. What do you think that means? David Addison : I think it means exactly what it says. Maddie Hayes : Unhand me! David Addison : I'll try, but I don't think they'll come off! Maddie Hayes : Good husband, are we married merrily? David Addison : Yea, verily, we are married merrily... though at first warily, and unfortunately quite sterilely. Maddie Hayes : Wipe that stupid grin off your face. David Addison : This is the smartest grin I know. Security Officer: I'm sorry, but you're not on the guest list. David Addison : That's because we're not guests. We're looking for a man with a mole on his nose. Security Officer: A mole on his nose? Maddie Hayes : A mole on his nose. Security Officer: [to Maddie] What kind of clothes? Maddie Hayes : [to David] What kind of clothes? David Addison : What kind of clothes do you suppose? Security Officer: What kind of clothes do I suppose would be worn by a man with a mole on his nose? Who knows? David Addison : Did I happen to mention, did I bother to disclose, that this man that we're seeking with the mole on his nose? I'm not sure of his clothes or anything else, except he's Chinese, a big clue by itself. Maddie Hayes : How do you do that? David Addison : Gotta read a lot of Dr. Seuss. Security Officer: I'm sorry to say, I'm sad to report, I haven't seen anyone at all of that sort. Not a man who's Chinese with a mole on his nose with some kind of clothes that you can't suppose. So get away from this door and get out of this place, or I'll have to hurt you -- put my foot in your face. Maddie Hayes : David, I just don't think-- David Addison : [interrupting] That's okay, you look good. David Addison : I know who he is, he paints naked girls. Maddie Hayes : Nudes. David Addison : Nudes, right. Nakeds have staples in them. Mortician: This is him, Edward O'Leary. Recognize him? Maddie Hayes : I don't know, we never knew him. Mortician: Then what did you want to look at the body for? Maddie Hayes : What did we want to look at the body for? David Addison : We're private detectives. It's what we do. Mortician: You wanna look at any others while you're here? Maddie Hayes : No thanks. Our limit is one stiff per day. [Maddie grabs David by the throat] Maddie Hayes : Addison! You better figure out a way to get me off this train! David Addison : Whoa! Lady, I will gladly get you off this train. I will throw you off this train, if necessary, but kindly refrain from any physical act that is not of an erotic nature. Maddie Hayes : Brian Baker called me names. Preston Holt lied to me. Omar Gaus mocked me. I don't think I like men anymore. David Addison : We still like you. Maddie Hayes : I didn't even know you had a brother. David Addison : Never thought of him as a brother--just mom and dad's science project. David Addison : Do math majors multiply? Do eggs get laid? David Addison : Could've fooled me. Maddie Hayes : A gnat with a lobotomy could fool you. David Addison : Boy, are you a tough customer. I bet you didn't even clap your hands to save Tinkerbell. David Addison : What about this banquet? I don't want to go. Maddie Hayes : We're going. It's very important. David Addison : Important for what? Okay, it will give us a chance to fight in public, but what else? Maddie Hayes : I wouldn't want you losing any more sleep over me. David Addison : Believe me, if and when I ever find myself over you, the last thing I'll be thinking about is sleeping. Maddie Hayes : I had no idea. David Addison : That's okay. I got lots of 'em. I'll loan you one. Maddie Hayes : You are eye crust! David Addison : The better to see you with, my dear. Maddie Hayes : You are navel lint! David Addison : Expensive navel lint. Maddie Hayes : You are-- David Addison : Don't go much lower, they'll take us off the air. Maddie Hayes : Since when did my personal life outside the office become fair game for your amusement inside the office? David Addison : If I remember correctly, since you started working here. Maddie Hayes : I got an idea! David Addison : Excuse me? Maddie Hayes : An idea. You know, an original thought. You've heard of them. Anyway, I was just lying in my bed last night, just lying there, feeling terrible about telling that poor man that he couldn't write Mrs. Woodley anymore, when suddenly, BA-BING! I get this idea -- David Addison : Ba-what? Maddie Hayes : Huh? David Addison : Ba-what? I thought I just heard you say ba-bing. Maddie Hayes : Ba-bing? So what if I did say ba-bing? So what? Anyway, David, I suddenly realized -- why are you looking at me like that? David Addison : Huh? Maddie Hayes : Why are you looking at me like that? David Addison : You're doing me. Maddie Hayes : I'm WHAT? David Addison : You're doing me, Maddie. You come in here, you slam the door, you say ba-bing, you sit on the corner of that desk -- I know what I'm talking about, Maddie Hayes. This is not just some idea I plucked out of my head willy-nilly -- now I'm doing you! Maddie Hayes : David! Are you all right? David Addison : Trust me Maddie, we are doing this backwards. Let's just go to your office and start all over. Maddie Hayes : You're an animal! David Addison : Exactly. Maddie Hayes : And what does that mean? David Addison : The male of the species engages in sexual congress no less than forty-six thousand, five hundred and three times from the time he is thirteen until the time he runs out of ammo. Maddie Hayes : You know that and you can't remember our zip code? Maddie Hayes : David! Can I have a minute of your time, please? David Addison : Take two, they're small. Agnes DiPesto : Mr. Addison. Here's your ticket. David Addison : Thanks again, Agnes. Agnes DiPesto : I guess this means you're going away. David Addison : Agnes, in all my born days I have never met a person who could put two and two together faster than you. Agnes DiPesto : Math was always my strongest subject. David : Do ducks duck? David : Do flies fly? David : Does Spock beam up? [picking Maddie up at Police station] David Addison : Why is my client being held at this hour, and why isn't it by me? David Addison : [scaring Maddie] Hey lady, want to lick my mail! David Addison : [to pregnant Maddie] Louder. You're shouting for two now. Movie Title: Armageddon (1998) as Harry Stamper / Harry: Harry Stamper : I'm not gonna kill him, I'm just gonna shoot him in the leg. He can still work with one leg! A.J. : Five wonderful years. Harry Stamper : And in those five years you have never apologized to me this quickly, now what going on here? Grace Stamper : A.J. is my choice! Harry Stamper : Choice? He's the only one here your age. That's not a choice, it's a lack of option. Harry Stamper : Come on! You're NASA for Christ's sake! You're the ones who come up with this shit! Why I bet you have a bunch of guys sitting around somewhere right now just thinking shit up, and somebody backing them up. What's your contingency plan? Truman : Our contingency plan? Harry Stamper : Yeah, your back up plan. You've gotta have a back up plan. Truman : No, we don't have a back up plan. Harry Stamper : The United States Government just asked us to save the world. Anyone wanna say no? Chick : 20 years, I've never let you down before. I'm there. Harry Stamper : Houson, you have a problem. You see, I promised my little girl that I was coming home. Now I don't know WHAT you people are doing down there, but we've got a hole to dig up here! Sharp: Okay, here's the situation. It takes two to fly this thing; so, either we all stay here and die or you draw straws to see who stays behind to detonate the bomb. Harry : There's no need for that; I'll stay behind. Chick : I can't live with a deal like that. Harry : You don't have to live with it, I'm staying. Chick : I *ain't* drawin' against you, Harry. Harry : You might as well 'cause I'm drawin' against you! Lev: You think I am returning to my country as the one who wouldn't volunteer! Rockhound : (tied up)Guys, I know you think I'm a little crazy now, but I'd really like this responsibility. AJ : I'll draw. Bear : Hey, let's draw and see who goes home and who stays here and dances. [Lev draws a long straw] Lew: Is this good or bad? AJ : (after drawing the short straw)Well; we all have to die; I'm the guy who gets to do it savng the world. Harry Stamper : Just a little help, God, that's all I'm asking. Max : I think we're close enough He might have heard ya. [reviewing the NASA test results for Harry's crew] Dr. Banks : One toxicology screen showed traces of ketamin. That is a very powerful sedative. Harry Stamper : Sedatives are often used, Doctor. Dr. Banks : Well this one's used on horses! Harry Stamper : Gee, one more thing. None of them want to pay taxes again. Ever. Harry Stamper : AJ, I have only five words for you: Damn glad to see you boy! A.J. : That's six words. Harry Stamper : Quincy! Somebody tell me what this is. Plastic ice cream scoop? What'd that cost? About $400. [Military guys are talking to Harry] Rockhound : Harry! I swear to God man, she never told me her age. Harry Stamper : No, it's okay. It's not about you. Rockhound : Oh. Never mind. Rockhound : Harry, this is illegal man Harry Stamper : I'm temporarily insane, Rock, it's all right. Harry Stamper : Gracie, it looks like I'm going to have to break my promise. I won't be coming home. Movie Title: Die Hard 2 (1990) as John McClane: John McClane : That punk pulled a Glock 7 on me. You know what that is? It's a porcelain gun made in Germany. It dosen't show up on you airport X-ray machines, and it cost more than you make here in a month. Carmine Lorenzo : You'd be a surprised what I make in a month. John McClane : If it was more than a dollar ninety-eight I'd be surprised. Al Powell : What's this about? John McClane : Oh, just a feeling I have. Al Powell : Ouch. When you get those feelings, insurance companies start to go bankrupt. John McClane : Hey, Carmine, let me ask you something. What sets off the metal detectors first? The lead in your ass or the shit in your brain? [McClane is forced to crawl through yet another ventilation system] John McClane : Just once, I'd like a regular, normal Christmas. A little eggnog... a fuckin' Christmas tree... a little turkey. But, no. I gotta crawl around in this motherfuckin' tin can. [McClane is showing his nervousness while riding in a helicopter] Chopper Pilot: What's the matter, cowboy? Ride too rough? John McClane : I don't like to fly. Samantha Coleman : Then what are you doing here? John McClane : I don't like to lose either. Al Powell : You ain't pissing in somebody's pool, are you? John McClane : Yeah, and I'm fresh out of chlorine. John McClane : Oh man, I can't fucking believe this. Another basement, another elevator. How can the same thing happen to the same guy twice? Grant : You are the wrong person at the wrong place at the wrong time. John McClane : Story of my life. John McClane : I guess I was wrong about you. You're not such an asshole after all. Grant : Oh, you were right about me. I'm just your kind of asshole. Grant : Too bad, McClane. I kind of liked you. John McClane : I got enough friends. Holly McClane : They told me there were terrorists at the airport. John McClane : Yeah, I heard that too. Marvin : So you like that one huh? How 'bout you give me twenty bucks for it? John McClane : How 'bout I let you live? Marvin : Man sure knows how to bargain. Carmine Lorenzo : Hey McClane! You get this parking ticket in front of my airport? John McClane : Yeah. [Lorenzo tears ticket up] Carmine Lorenzo : Ah, what the hell; it's Christmas! [John can't get out from under his parachute] John McClane : Where's the fuckin door? John McClane : What do you say, Marv? Marvin : I'll be damned if I'm gonna clean up this mess. [John McClane is taking a dead guy's fingerprints] Morgue Worker : Hey. You're supposed to do that at the morgue. John McClane : Not anymore. Got a new SOP for DOA's from the FAA. John McClane : Yippie-kay-yay, motherfucker. [to Al Powell] John McClane : Will you take the fucking Twinkie out of your mouth? John McClane : Holly, here's your fucking landing light. WHOOO. Rent-A-Car Girl : I'm closing off in an hour. Do you want to get a drink? John McClane : [shows his wedding ring] Just the facts, ma'am. John McClane : As far as I'm concerned, progress peaked with frozen pizza. Samantha Coleman : You give me this story and I'll have your baby. John McClane : Not the kind of ride I'm looking for. Carmine Lorenzo : It's time to kick head. Marvin : Just like Iwo Jima! John McClane : Well we are just up to our necks in terrorists again, John. Col. Stuart : I thought you were a little out of your league on Nightline. John McClane : Blow me, Colonel. Movie Title: Die Hard: With a Vengeance (1995) as John McClane: John McClane : Look I fail you cover my ass. You fail I cover your ass! Zeus : And if we both fail? John McClane : Then were both fucked! John McClane : I'll tell you what your problem is, you don't like me because you're a racist! Zeus : What? John McClane : You're a racist! You don't like me because I'm white! Zeus : I don't like you because you're going to get me *killed*! Zeus : You famous in L.A. or something? John McClane : Yeah, for about five minutes. Zeus : Don't tell me. Rodney King, right? [McClane hands Zeus a gun] John McClane : You know how to fire one of these? Zeus : No. John McClane : No? Zeus : Hey, all brothers don't know how to use guns, you racist motherfucker. [McClane and Zeus are speeding through Central Park] Zeus : Are you aiming for these people? John McClane : No. [Pauses] John McClane : Well, maybe that mime. FBI agent : Have you been followed at all during the last few days? Any suspicious phone calls? Any kind of surveillance at all? Anything? John McClane : Well, now that you mention it, I have, sort of, been feeling this burning sensation between my toes. [McClane and Zeus are speeding through Central Park] John McClane : Relax, I know what I'm doing. Zeus : Not even God knows what you're doing, McClane. Inspector Cobb : Simon, I can appreciate your feelings for McClane. But believe me, the jerk isn't worth it. He's stepped on so many toes in this department, by next month he's gonna be a security guard. His own wife wants nothing to do with him, and he's about two steps to becoming a full-blown alcoholic. John McClane : [whispering] *One* step, one step. Zeus : What the fuck are you doin'? John McClane : Interrogatin' him. Zeus : Well, what's he gonna tell you, "I'm dead"? John McClane : Well, I ain't gonna know 'til I ask him, am I? John McClane : They told me to stay on the line. Simon : Ha! God I love this country! John McClane : You know, your brother was an asshole. Simon : [Pauses and smiles] Yeah, he was an asshole. You got his number. John McClane : Hey, partner! Zeus : I ain't your partner. I ain't your neighbor, your brother, or your friend. I'm your total stranger. Simon : I want you and the Samaritan at the corner of 72nd and Broadway in fifteen minutes. You understand? John McClane : Yeah, I understand. I understand that you're a fucking wacko who likes to play kids' games. Simon : Hardly. John McClane : Hardly? Well what have you got against me anyway? What did I bring you in for? Shoplifting? Purse-snatching? [pauses] John McClane : Cross-dressing? Simon : You c... c... couldn't c... c... catch me if I stole your ch... ch... chair with you in it! John McClane : My ch... ch... chair with me in it? Well Simon, why are you trying to k... k... k... kill me? Dr. Schiller : This guy wants you to know who he is, so "Simon" is not an alias. It's probably his real name. Joe Lambert : [reading a rap sheet] Simon, Robert E. Convicted of kidnapping and extortion, 10-15. Served 7 years on good behavior. Released on parole two months ago. John McClane : Bob Simon is a bankrupt businessman who kidnapped his partner's daughter. He's a fuck-up, not a psycho. John McClane : You know this guy Simon we're talking to? (Jackson, Samuel L.@Zeus) Yeah. John McClane : I threw his little brother off the thirty-second floor of Nakatomi Tower out in L.A. I guess he's a little pissed at me. Zeus : You mean to tell me that I'm caught up in all this shit because some white cop threw some white asshole's brother off a roof? [McClane and Zeus are arguing over how to solve the problem] John McClane : You can't do it that way you dumb, motherfucking...! Zeus : Say it! Say it! John McClane : Say what? Zeus : You were going to call me a nigger, weren't you? John McClane : No I wasn't! Zeus : Yes you were! What were you gonna call me? John McClane : Asshole! How's that, asshole! John McClane : Hey, can you pick locks? Zeus : Is this one of those black things again? [McClane removes his shirt and pants] John McClane : You know, you're the first woman since Holly to see me do this. Connie Kowalski : I'm honored... John McClane : Yeah, so was she. John McClane : Hot in here, or am I just scared to death? [Trying to get to one of Simon's destinations on time] Zeus : See, I told you Park Drive was jammed! John McClane : I didn't say through Park Drive. [McClane turns the cab and drives through the park] John McClane : I said through the park. [after dropping McClane off in Harlem with a sign that says "I hate niggers"] Inspector Cobb : We'll be back to pick you up in fifteen minutes. John McClane : Take your time. I expect to be dead in four. [Simon is in one of the dumptrucks driving gold through the unfinished aqueduct] Simon : [on a phone] Rear guard, you can close up now. [pauses, not getting an answer] Simon : We've reached the dam, you can come up now... [pauses again, no answer] Simon : Nils? You can close in now. Nils? John McClane : [on the guard's phone] Attention! Attention! Nils is dead! I repeat, Nils is dead, fuck-head. So's his pal, and those four guys from the East German All-Stars, your boys at the bank? They're gonna be a little late. Simon : [on the phone] John... in the back of the truck you're driving there's $13 billon dollars worth in gold bullion. I wonder would a deal be out of the question? John McClane : [on the phone] I got a deal for you. Come out from that rock you're hiding under and I'll drive this truck up your ass. Simon : [on the phone] How colorful. John McClane : The only thing better than blowing up $100 billion worth of gold is making people think you did. [McClane and Zeus break into a car] John McClane : You know how to hot-wire this thing? Zeus : Of course I can, I'm an electrician. Only problem is... [Zeus starts the ignition with his pliers] Zeus : ...it takes too fuckin' long. [Referring to The Sign of the Cross] Zeus : How do Catholics do their thing? John McClane : North, South, West, East. John McClane : Say hello to your brother. FBI Agent: Does the name Gruber mean anything to you, lieutenant? [Flashback to Hans Gruber falling from Nakatomi Towers] John McClane : It rings a bell, yeah. John McClane : You know that bomb I said they found up in Harlem? Zeus : Yeah, what about it? John McClane : Well, I kind of lied. They found it down in Chinatown. Zeus : Oh that's low man. [about to call Simon with the answer to another riddle] Zeus : Wait a minute, wait a minute, it's a trick! I forgot about the man. John McClane : Man? What man? Fuck the man! I got ten seconds here! Zeus : The riddle begins, "As I was going to St. Ives, I met a man with seven wives!" John McClane : So? Zeus : So, the guy and his wives aren't going anywhere. John McClane : What are they doing? Zeus : Sitting in the fucking road! Waiting on the moors! How the hell should I know? Zeus : Morning. John McClane : Good morning. Zeus : You having a nice day, sir? You feeling alright? Not to get too personal, but a white man standing in the middle of Harlem wearing a sign that says "I hate niggers" has either got some serious personal issues, or not all his dogs are barking. [McClane yawns] Zeus : Hey! I'm talking to you! Now you've got about ten seconds before those guys see you, and when they do they will kill you do you understand? You're about to have a very bad day. John McClane : Tell me about it. Dr. Schiller : Yes I was saying that we're dealing with a middle-of-the-night personality with possible paranoid schizo... John McClane : Hey, hey! How 'bout you just skip down to the part where you tell me what the fuck this has to do with me. John McClane : [to terrorists in a tunnel] Hi, Mickey O'Brien, aquaduct security. We've had a report of a guy coming through here with, uh, eight reindeer. [shoots the terrorists] John McClane : Yeah, they said he was a jolly old fat guy with a snowy white beard. Cute red clothes. I'm surprised you didn't see him. Zeus : Is this a black-shit again? John McClane : Hey will you stop that racial shit? Are you a fuckin' locksmith or not? John McClane : Hey dickhead! Did I come at a bad time? John McClane : Yippie-kay-yay motherfucker John McClane : I never knew Canada could be this much fun. John McClane : [to Zeus] This guy doesn't care about skin color. Even if you do. Movie Title: Pulp Fiction (1994) as Butch Coolidge / Butch: Butch : Will you hand me a towel, tulip? Fabienne : Ah, I like that. I like tulip. Tulip is much better than mongoloid. Marsellus : In the fifth, your ass goes down. Say it. Butch : In the fifth, my ass goes down. [after Butch saves Marsellus from rapists] Butch : You okay? Marsellus : Naw man. I'm pretty fuckin' far from okay. Butch : What now? Marsellus : What now? Let me tell you what now. I'ma call a coupla hard, pipe-hittin' niggers, who'll go to work on the homes here with a pair of pliers and a blow torch. You hear me talkin', hillbilly boy? I ain't through with you by a damn sight. I'ma get medieval on your ass. Butch : I meant what now between me and you? Marsellus : Oh, that "what now." I tell you what now between me and you. There is no me and you. Not no more. Butch : So we cool? Marsellus : Yeah, we cool. Two things. Don't tell nobody about this. This shit is between me, you, and Mr. Soon-to-be-living-the-rest-of-his-short-ass-life-in-agonizing-pain-rapist here. It ain't nobody else's business. Two: you leave town tonight, right now. And when you're gone, you stay gone, or you be gone. You lost all your L.A. privileges. Deal? Butch : Deal. Marsellus : Get your ass out of here. [Vincent goes up to Butch at the bar] Butch : What're you looking at, friend? Vincent : I ain't your friend, palooka. Butch : What did you say? Vincent : I think you heard me just fine, punchy. Butch : I think I have a broken rib. Fabienne : From giving me oral pleasure? Fabienne : Whose motorcycle is this? Butch : It's a chopper, baby. Fabienne : Whose chopper is this? Butch : It's Zed's. Fabienne : Who's Zed? Butch : Zed's dead, baby. Zed's dead. Esmeralda : What is your name? Butch : Butch. Esmeralda : What does it mean? Butch : I'm American, honey. Our names don't mean shit. Butch : That's how you're gonna beat 'em, Butch. They keep underestimating you. Fabienne : Where's my Honda? Butch : Sorry baby but I had to crash that Honda. Butch : Did you bring the watch? Fabienne : I believe so. Butch : You BELIEVE so? You BELIEVE so? WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN? You either did, or you didn't. Fabienne : Then I did. Butch : Are you sure. Fabienne : [Shakes her head, no] [A pause] Butch : [Explodes into a rampage] FUCK. MOTHERFUCKING SHIT. DO YOU FUCKING KNOW HOW FUCKING STUPID YOU ARE? SHIT. FUCK. [He calms down just as quickly and suddenly as he started] Butch : It's not your fault. Butch : Where's my watch? Fabienne : It's there. Butch : No it's not. Fabienne : It should be. Butch : Yes it most definitely should be but it's not here now, so where the fuck is it? Butch Coolidge : How was your breakfast? Fabienne : It was good... Butch Coolidge : Did you get the pancakes, the blueberry pancakes? Fabienne : No, no, they didn't have blueberry pancakes, I had to get buttermilk - are you sure you're okay? Butch Coolidge : Honey, since I left you, this has been without a doubt the single weirdest fucking day of my life. Come on, hop on - I'll tell you all about it. Butch Coolidge : I'll be back before you can say "Blueberry pie". Fabienne : Blueberry pie. Butch Coolidge : OK, maybe not that fast... Butch Coolidge : Are you ok? Marsellus Wallace : No. I'm pretty fucking far from ok. Movie Title: Unbreakable (2000) as David Dunn: David Dunn : I'm gonna ask you a question, and it's going to sound a little weird, so just think about it. Do you remember me ever being sick? Audrey Dunn : I, I don't, I can't remember... David Dunn : No cold, no fever, no headache, isn't that a little weird? What do you think it means? Joseph Dunn : Do you think you could beat up Bruce Lee? David Dunn : No, Joseph. Joseph Dunn : Even if he wasn't allowed to kick, and you were really mad at him? David Dunn : You should never do anything like this. You know that, right? Joseph Dunn : Yeah. David Dunn : What should you do if something bad happens? Joseph Dunn : Get Mom. Joseph Dunn : I thought maybe because you're my dad... I thought I might be like you... I'm not like you... David Dunn : You are like me. We can both get hurt. I'm just an ordinary man. Joseph Dunn : No, you're not... Why do you keep saying that? David Dunn : You killed all those people. Elijah Price : But I found you. So many sacrifices just to find you. David Dunn : [talking to Elijah on phone] I've never been sick, I've never been injured... what do I do now? Elijah Price : Go to a place where people are... you won't have to wait very long. Movie Title: Die Hard (1988) as John McClane: Businessman : You don't flying, do you? John McClane : What gives you that idea? Businessman : You want to know the secret to surviving air travel? After you get where you're going, take off your shoes and your socks then walk around on the rug bare foot and make fists with your toes. John McClane : Fists with your toes? Businessman : I know, it sounds crazy. But trust me, I've been doing it for nine years. It makes me wake up to a hot cup of coffee. John McClane : OK. [the businessman sees a gun in McClane's pocket] John McClane : It's okay. I'm a cop. Trust me, I've been doing this for *eleven* years. John McClane : You throw quite a party. I didn't realize they celebrated Christmas in Japan. Joseph Takagi : Hey, we're flexible. Pearl Harbor didn't work out so we got you with tape decks. [McClane watches fire trucks approach the building] John McClane : C'mon baby, come ta' papa, I'll kiss ya' fuckin' dalmatian. [Stealing the dead terrorist's shoes] John McClane : A hundred million terrorists in the world and I gotta kill one with feet smaller than my sister. [McClane tries to call up police] Supervisor : Attention, whoever you are. This channel is reserved for emergency calls only... John McClane : No fucking shit, lady. Do I sound like I'm ordering a pizza? [Hans' radio turns on] Hans Gruber : I thought I told all of you, I want radio silence until further... John McClane : Ooooh, I'm very sorry Hans. I didn't get that message. Maybe you should've put it on the bulletin board. I figured since I've waxed Tony and Marco and his friend here, I figured you and Karl and Franco might be a little lonely, so I decided to give you a call. Hans Gruber : Eh, that's... very kind of you, considering you are a mysterious party crasher. You are most troublesome, for a security guard. John McClane : Bzzzt. Sorry Hans, wrong guess. Would you like to go for Double Jeopardy where the scores can really change? [Indicating cigarettes in dead man's pocket] John McClane : Whoa, these are very bad for you. Hans Gruber : Who are you then? John McClane : Just a fly in the ointment, Hans. The monkey in the wrench. The pain in the ass. [On the radio] Hans Gruber : Mister Mystery Guest? Are you still there? John McClane : Yeah, I'm still here. Unless you wanna open the front door for me. Hans Gruber : Uh, no I'm afraid not. But you have me at a loss. You know my name but who are you? Just another American who saw too many movies as a child? Another orphan of a bankrupt culture who thinks he's John Wayne? Rambo? Marshall Dillon? John McClane : Was always kinda' partial to Roy Rogers actually. I really dig those sequined shirts. Hans Gruber : Do you really think you have a chance against us, Mister Cowboy? John McClane : Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker. John McClane : [recalls his wife's invitation] Come out to the coast, we'll get together, have a few laughs... John McClane : Take *this* under advisement, jerkweed. Hans Gruber : This time John Wayne does not walk off into the sunset with Grace Kelly. John McClane : That was Gary Cooper, asshole. John McClane : Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker. [while crawling through a narrow ventilation shaft] John McClane : Now I know what a TV dinner feels like. John McClane : Welcome to the party pal. John McClane : Yippie cay-yay, motherfucker. [after McClane sets off massive explosion] John McClane : Is the building on fire? Sergeant Al Powell : No, but it's gonna need a paint job and a shit load of screen doors. John McClane : Merry Christmas, Argyle. Argyle : Merry Christmas. [Argyle shuts the limo door] Argyle : Man, if this is their idea of Christmas, I *gotta* be here for New Year's. [after witnessing Mr. Takagi's murder] John McClane : [talking to himself] Why the fuck didn't you stop them, John? Because then you'd be dead, too, asshole. John McClane : So this is what it's about, Hans? A fucking robbery? Hans Gruber : Well, when you steal $600, you can just disappear. But when you steal $600 million, they will find you, unless they think you're already dead. John McClane : You would have made a pretty good cowboy yourself, Hans. Hans Gruber : What was it you said to me earlier? "Yippie-kay-ya, motherfucker." [John is fighting Karl] John McClane : Just like I heard your brother squeal. When I broke his fucking neck. Dwayne T. Robinson : I got a hundred people down here and they're all covered in glass. John McClane : Glass? Who gives a fuck about glass? Dwayne T. Robinson : You listen to me you little asshole. John McClane : Asshole? I'm not the one who just got butt-fucked on national television, Dwayne. Argyle : So, why didn't you come with her man? What's up? John McClane : 'Cause I'm a New York cop. I got a six-month backlog on New York scumbags I'm still trying to put behind bars. I can't just pick up and go that easy. [McClane, before jumping from the roof] John McClane : I promise I will never even THINK about going up in a tall building again. Oh, god. Please don't let me die. Hans Gruber : You an American? John McClane : Only if New Jersey counts. [Hans pulls a gun on McClane after impersonating a hostage] Hans : Put down the gun, and give me my detonators. John McClane : Well, well, well... Hans. Hans : Put it down now. John McClane : That was pretty tricky with that accent. You oughta be on fucking TV with that accent. But what do you want with the detonators, Hans? I already used all the explosives. Or did I? Hans : I'm going to count to three... John McClane : Yeah, like you did with Takagi? [Hans pulls trigger, but there are no bullets] John McClane : Ooops, no bullets. What do you think, I'm fucking stupid, Hans? [elevator opens] Hans : You were saying? Marco : [cocks his gun] Next time you have a chance to kill someone, don't hesitate! John McClane : [shoots through the table, killing Marco] Thanks for the advice. Hans : Touching, Cowboy. Touching. Or should I call you Mr McClane? Mr Officer John McClane of the New York Police Department? John McClane : Sister Teresa called me Mr McClane in the Third Grade. My friends call me John... and you're neither shithead Movie Title: Moonlighting (1985) as David Addison: David Addison : Women: You can't live with them, can't leave 'em on the curb when you're done with them. [repeated throughout series during arguments] David Addison : [yelling] Fine! Madelyn 'Maddie' Hayes : [yelling] Fine! [both stalk into their offices and slam the doors behind them] David Addison : All right! You're looking great, kid! I'm right behind ya. Now, don't look back and try and see me, just know that I'm right in back of you, and -- yes, I am looking up your dress. Movie Title: Bandits (2001) as Joe: Joe : Paradise. Tuxedos and Margaritas. Terry : You know the hardest thing about being smart? Joe : No. Terry : I always pretty much know what's gonna happen next. There's no suspense. Bank teller: Is this a joke? Joe : No ma'am, this is a bank robbery. [Kate starts reciting the lines to "Total Eclipse of the Heart". Joe joins in] Kate : Oh my god! I can't believe you KNOW that song! Joe : Yeah. Bonnie Tyler. "Total Eclipse of the Heart". It's the ultimate sappy chick song. Joe : Got the gun? [the back window of the car they are driving gets shot out] Terry : No. Terry : I noticed you got a gold watch. Joe : It's an 18 carrot gold watch. Terry : I don't give a shit how many carrots it is. Joe : 36 grand. It's no big deal. Terry : Did you ever think about asking someone for the time? It's a lot cheaper. Joe : What'd you bring her here for? Terry : 1) I had no choice. 2) I may have suffered a slight concussion. Joe : Terry! That's Kate, right there, take her! Joe : Put that gun down. Terry : Make me! Joe : Make me? Terry : Yes, MAKE ME! Joe : What the hell is this, the third grade? Terry : Well, I'm out of well-turned phrases at this point, Joe! Terry : Kate, you should choose. What's it gonna be? Mr. Action Figure Hero Guy? Or brains, and sensitivity, and a lot of other things I could name. So in other words: me or THAT guy? Joe : Yeah, good looking, or ITCHY. Movie Title: The Last Boy Scout (1991) as Joe as puppet / Joe Hallenbeck: Joe Hallenbeck : The sky is blue, water is wet, women have secrets. Alley Thug : Alright, you want it in the chest, or the head? Joe Hallenbeck : Yeah, that's what your wife said. Alley Thug : Hey man, would you stop with the wife shit? Joe Hallenbeck : Ask me how fat she is. Ask me. Alley Thug : Fuck you, man! How fat is she? Joe Hallenbeck : She's so fat I had to roll her in flour and look for the wet spot. Motherfucker, if you wanna fuck her you gotta slap her thigh and ride the wave in. Now I'm saying she's fat, her high school picture was an aerial shot. Joe Hallenbeck : This is the nineties. You don't just go around punching people. You have to say something cool first. Joe Hallenbeck : Leather pants. Jimmy Dix : Yeah. Joe Hallenbeck : What's something like that run? Jimmy Dix : Six-fifty. Joe Hallenbeck : Six hundred and fifty dollars? Jimmy Dix : Yeah. Joe Hallenbeck : They're pants. Jimmy Dix : Yeah. Joe Hallenbeck : You wear them? Jimmy Dix : YES. Joe Hallenbeck : They don't, like, have a TV in them or something? Jimmy Dix : Nope. Joe Hallenbeck : I am very old. Milo : Can we get a formal introduction? Joe Hallenbeck : Who gives a fuck? You're the bad guy, right? Milo : I am the bad guy. Joe Hallenbeck : And I'm supposed to be trembling in fear or something like that? Milo : Something like that. Joe Hallenbeck : I'll tremble later. For now, how about a drink? Jimmy Dix : Maybe I could take your daughter horseback riding. How old is she? Joe Hallenbeck : She's 13, and if you even look at her funny I'm gonna shove an umbrella up your ass and open it. Joe Hallenbeck : I swear to Christ that if I survive this fucking case I'm gonna dance a jig. Jimmy : You're a real bastard, ya know that, Joe? Joe Hallenbeck : And then some. Joe Hallenbeck : You don't think the cops can helpyou? Cory : Sure, after I'm dead they'll perform the autopsy. [after giving Jimmy a briefcase full of money] Joe Hallenbeck : Go buy yourself a new pair of pants. [Joe Hallenbeck wakes up in his car and stares at his grubby reflection in the mirror] Joe Hallenbeck : Nobody likes you. Everybody hates you. You're gonna lose. Smile, you fuck. Jimmy Dix : Hi, you're nobody. Joe Hallenbeck : Shhh, don't tell anyone. Jimmy Dix : Man, you couldn't protect a warm cup of piss. [throws ice at Joe] Joe Hallenbeck : Why don't you just go ahead and hit me? Jimmy Dix : Excuse me? Joe Hallenbeck : Come on chicken shit. Bust me in the chops. You don't think an old guy like me could hurt ya, do ya Jimmy? Jimmy Dix : So now you know my name? Joe Hallenbeck : James Alexander Dix. Quarterback for the L.A. Stallions, '89-'90. Banned from the league on gambling charges, allegations of drug abuse. Another tragic tale of wasted youth. Jimmy Dix : [stands up from his chair] Now you're starting to piss me off. Joe Hallenbeck : It's about fuckin' time. I'm Joe Hallenbeck. Joe Hallenbeck : [Joe reaches out his hand, Jimmy slaps it] I'm a private detective. Jimmy Dix : You're like a fuckin lowlife to me. Joe Hallenbeck : At least I didn't shit my talent away on coke. [Jimmy tries to punch Joe, who subsequently blocks his punch and pushes him on the ground] Joe Hallenbeck : [noticing his spilled beer] I spilled my warm cup of piss. [Joe has just found out that Mike was sleeping with his wife] Mike Mathews : Look Joe, it just happened. Joe Hallenbeck : Sure, sure, it just happened. Could happen to anybody. It was an accident, right? You tripped, fell on the floor and accidently stuck your dick into my wife. "Oops, I'm sorry, Mrs. H, I guess this just isn't my week". [Joe Hallenbeck is talking to a puppet on his hand] Joe as puppet : Why did Mr. Milo cross the road? Joe Hallenbeck : I don't know. Why? Joe as puppet : Because his dick was stuck in the chicken. Alley Thug : Wrong place, wrong time. Nothing personal. Joe Hallenbeck : That's what you think. Last night I fucked your wife. Alley Thug : Oh you did, hah? How'd you know it was my wife? Joe Hallenbeck : She said her husband was a big pimp lookin' motherfucker with a hat. Alley Thug : Oh, you're real cool but you've got to take a bullet. Joe Hallenbeck : After fucking your wife I'll take two. Jimmy Dix : It ain't right. Joe Hallenbeck : No, it ain't right. [sighs] Joe Hallenbeck : This ain't no game, flash. Real guns, real bullets. It's dangerous. Jimmy Dix : Danger's my middle name. Joe Hallenbeck : Mine's Cornelius. You tell anybody, I'll kill you. Jimmy Dix : You ever watch "Soul Train"? Joe Hallenbeck : Shut the fuck up. Detective : There's a new invention out. It's called the razor. Joe Hallenbeck : Too risky, I might start thinkin' about you and slash my wrist. Milo : You think you are so fucking cool, don't you? You think you are so fucking cool. But just once, I would like to hear you scream in pain... Joe Hallenbeck : Play some rap music. Joe Hallenbeck : Where are you goin'? Jimmy Dix : To the bathroom, okay. You wanna come? The doc said I shouldn't lift anything heavy. Joe Hallenbeck : No, I'll pass. Jimmy Dix : She get's evidence to use against 'em, right? Joe Hallenbeck : That's right. Jimmy Dix : So now we have the evidence. Joe Hallenbeck : What we got, Junior, is Marcone and Baynard by the nuts and that is why I love America. Scrabble Man : Drop the gun, Hallenbeck. [takes Joe's gun and tosses it] Scrabble Man : Bit late for a stroll, don't you think? Joe Hallenbeck : Yeah, you girls oughta be gettin' home. Jimmy Dix : Yeah, streetlights are on. Jake : Shut up fuckface. Joe Hallenbeck : I'm fuckface, he's asshole. [Jimmy smiles sarcastically, in agreement] Scrabble Man : Jake? [Jake punches Joe in the face] Scrabble Man : Advise Rodney Dangerfield here of the situation. Perhaps we can dispense with the fun and games now, yes? Joe Hallenbeck : You want the envelope, right? Scrabble Man : The envelope, very smart. See Jake, here is a man who knows when a situation is untennable. Joe Hallenbeck : Good word. Scrabble Man : You like that word? And you do have that envelope, don't you? Joe Hallenbeck : Better give up, Jimmy. We're dealin' with a couple of geniuses here. [Jake punches Joe again] Jimmy Dix : Hey man, just leave him the fuck alone. [Jake proceeds to kick Jimmy in the gut] Scrabble Man : Leave him alone? Yeah, sure Jimmy. Whatever you say. Jake here takes his job with a certain exuberance. Jimmy Dix : Shit, we're being beat up by the inventor of scrabble. Scrabble Man : He's in a good mood, Jake. Kick 'em again. Joe Hallenbeck : All right. You want the envelope the hooker had, right? Jimmy Dix : She wasn't a hooker, Joe. Joe Hallenbeck : Shut the fuck up. Joe Hallenbeck : Hey flash, rescue attempt? Jimmy Dix : Blow me. Milo : You must be James. Jimmy Dix : James? Joe Hallenbeck : He does that with everybody. He calls me Joseph. Milo : I trust you're alone. Jimmy Dix : No, I got the fuckin' Vienna Boys Choir with me. What, is everybody stupid around here? Joe Hallenbeck : Just you, kid. Joe Hallenbeck : The sky is blue, water is wet, women have secrets. Who gives a fuck? Jimmy Dix : Hey, man. You ever play ball? You've got a good build. Joe Hallenbeck : What are you, a fag? Jimmy Dix : No, I'm just trying to break the ice. Joe Hallenbeck : I like ice. Leave it the fuck alone. Joe Hallenbeck : Yeah, I believe in love; I believe in cancer. [Joe gets to his office, after waking up next to a dead squirrel a bunch of kids threw in his car] Mike Matthews : What'd you do last night? Joe Hallenbeck : I think I fucked a squirrel to death, and don't remember. Joe Hallenbeck : Hey Milo. Where ya callin from, the bottom of the pool? Jimmy : It's called a vocabulary. You got one of those? Joe Hallenbeck : Sorry, my subscription to JUGGS magazine ran out. [to Milo] Joe Hallenbeck : I told you, if you ever touch me again, I'll kill you. Joe Hallenbeck : Can I have a cigarette? Chet : A cigarette? Yeah sure. [gives him one] Joe Hallenbeck : Got a light? Chet : Yeah, got a light. [pretends to give him a light and punches him instead] Chet : Hey baby I thought you were tough. See Pablo, he's no sweat! Joe Hallenbeck : I seem to have dropped my cigarette. May I have another? Chet : [hesitates] Sure, sure thing buddy. [gives him another cigarette] Joe Hallenbeck : I'm gonna need a light. You touch me again, I'll kill ya. [last lines] Joe Hallenbeck : Be Prepared, son. That's my motto. Be Prepared. Jimmy Dix : Hey, ugly! Looks like our evidence got blown up. I think we might have to get some more. Joe Hallenbeck : Just won't let go, huh? You're like a dog with a frisbee. [Hallenbeck and Dix are trying to tell the bodyguards in a car about a bomb] Joe Hallenbeck : Now what are you doing? Jimmy Dix : I'm drawing them a picture. Joe Hallenbeck : What's that? Jimmy Dix : It's a bomb. Joe Hallenbeck : It doesn't look like a bomb, it looks like an apple with lines coming out of it. What are they gonna say, "don't open the briefcase, it's full of fresh fruit"? Jimmy Dix : Do you want to draw the damn thing? Jimmy Dix : [Dix shows Hallenbeck the draw of a bomb with "bom" written below] Happy? Joe Hallenbeck : Are you kidding me? Jimmy Dix : [Dix shows the draw to the bodyguards] Always criticizing my shit. I can't do nothing right. Jimmy Dix : [the bodyguards shoot them] Oh, shit! Joe Hallenbeck : I forgot to tell you. "Bom" means "fuck you" in Polish. Jimmy Dix : Hey, that's not funny, man. I almost bought it there! Joe Hallenbeck : Tragic loss to the art world, let me tell ya. Jimmy Dix : You don't like women much do ya Joe. Joe Hallenbeck : [about his wife] At least I liked the guy she was fuckin'. He was my best friend. Jimmy Dix : Nah man, he was a scumbag private detective. Joe Hallenbeck : All private detectives are scumbags. Jimmy Dix : Yeah, but that scumbag tried to get you killed. Joe Hallenbeck : Yeah well, friends can't be perfect. Joe Hallenbeck : I wish that water wasn't wet, I wish the sky wasn't blue and I wish that I didn't still love my wife. Joe Hallenbeck : Ahh, life sucks! [reaches for a glass of wine] Movie Title: Rugrats Go Wild! (2003) as Spike: Spike : "Woof! That's right, I said woof!" Spike : I ate one of Chuckie's diapers once and, let me tell you, that is spicy. Spike : Could you give a dog a little warning?! I'm trying to do my business here. Eliza : Oh, I'm so sorry. Spike : You know, it's funny. For a minute there, I thought I actually heard you talking to me. You talking to me? Are you talking to me? Eliza : Yeah, I can talk to animals. It's a long story. Spike : Hey, chimp boy. Will you stop worrying? I know all about cats with a capital "K". Sit on a window sill, hack up a fur ball... Oh! That is very ferocious! Eliza : Spike, this isn't your regular housecat. Spike : They all twitch their whiskers one whisker at a time, just like you and me. Spike : I am Spike. Full name: Down, Spike, down! Get off that couch! Spike : Well, Eliza, as dog as my witness, I will never lose my babies again! Movie Title: Tears of the Sun (2003) as Lt. A.K. Waters: Lt. A.K. Waters : God already left Africa. Ellis 'Zee' Pettigrew : What are you doin'? New mission? Lt. A.K. Waters : No. Same mission. Lt. A.K. Waters : What've you got? Kelly Lake : Ringside seats to an ethnic cleansing. Lt. A.K. Waters : Sir, you know as well as I do what's going to happen to him if I leave him out here. There's not going to be a trial. There's not going to be a jury. There gonna take him outside the courthouse and put two in his head. Father Gianni: Go with God! Lt. A.K. Waters : God already left Africa. Ellis 'Zee' Pettigrew : LT! Rules of Engagement! Lt. A.K. Waters : We're already engaged. Lt. A.K. Waters : Here's the deal: it's been strongly suggested that we turn over Arthur and abandon these refugees out here in the bush. I'll tell you right now: I'm not gonna do that. Can't do that. Broke my own rule - started to give a fuck. And brought you guys along with me. We're about to walk into some serious shit. Before we do, I just like to hear what you guys have to say about it. That's all. Speak freely. Kelly Lake : My opinion, Sir: we cut our losses. This isn't our fuckin' war. As far as me being in or out, you know the answer to that. Danny 'Doc' Kelley: Let's get these people to safety. Let's finish the job. Demetrius 'Silk' Owens: I can't leave 'em, Sir. Jason 'Flea' Mabry: I'm good to go. Lt. A.K. Waters : What 'bout you, Red? James 'Red' Atkins: I can't look at 'em like packages anymore. I'm gonna get 'em out or I'm gonna die tryin'. Lt. A.K. Waters : I broke my own rule. I started to give a fuck... and I brought you guys along with me. Ellis 'Zee' Pettigrew : Those Africans are my people too. For all the years that we have been told to stand down and stand by, you doin' the right thing. Lt. A.K. Waters : For our sins. Ellis 'Zee' Pettigrew : Hooyah. Lt. A.K. Waters : Hooyah. Movie Title: The Whole Ten Yards (2004) as Jimmy Tudeski: [from trailer] Jimmy Tudeski : You refused to follow the ABCs of professional killing! Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky : There's an actual ABC for professional killing? Jimmy Tudeski : Shut up! Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky : [after Oz wakes up naked in a bed with Jimmy] What the hell happened last night? And why does my ass hurt? Jimmy Tudeski : You fell down a flight of stairs. Jimmy Tudeski : Stay away from my chickens, Oz. Jimmy Tudeski : If you ever grab me like that again, I will stick a knife in your face. Strabo : [after seeing Jimmy and Oz in a bed together] A little male bonding? Jimmy Tudeski : Just like C block, huh Strabo? Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky : [in the background] I fell down the stairs, Strabo! Jimmy Tudeski : You know I was a bed wetter? Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky : You don't do it anymore do you? Jimmy Tudeski : When I was 12 I saw my father naked in a shower. Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky : Well that's probably why you wet the bed. Very Freudian. Jungian. Jimmy Tudeski : [to Oz] Squeal bag! Squealster! Remington Squeal! Jimmy Tudeski : What is this? [referring to a tower of glasses on the table] Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky : It's what we've been building for the last few hours. Jimmy Tudeski : Well get it out of here! Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky : Why? Jimmy Tudeski : Because I hate it! It makes me sad. Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky : I don't think God keeps an eye on your sperm. What kind of job is that for God? It'd take him all day. I'm gonna throw up. Jimmy Tudeski : [later] Did you have a good relationship with your father? Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky : Yeah we were like pals. Jimmy Tudeski : I wanna to kill my father. I want to take a icepick and stick it right in his eyeball. Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky : Still gonna throw up. Jimmy Tudeski : We had some great times though. Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky : You and your father? Jimmy Tudeski : No. Me and Cynthia. Nicholas 'Oz' Oseransky : [burps] that's almost vomit. Movie Title: Breakfast of Champions (1999) as Dwayne Hoover: [on Harry dressing like a mortician] Dwayne Hoover : Modern science has given us a vast array of colors with exciting names like Red! Blue! Orange! Brown! and PINK! Harry Le Sabre : Why don't you come right out and say it, Dwayne? Dwayne Hoover : Say what, Harry? Harry Le Sabre : That I like to wear women's clothing. Dwayne Hoover : Is that what you LIKE, Harry? Harry Le Sabre : Yes... I mean, NO! NO! OF COURSE NOT! Dwayne Hoover : It's all life until your dead. Movie Title: The Fifth Element (1997) as Korben Dallas: Priest Vito Cornelius : What are you doing? Korben Dallas : Trying to save your ass so you can save the world. Leeloo : Leeloo Dallas mul-ti-pass. Korben Dallas : Yeah. Leeloo : Mul-ti-pass. Korben Dallas : Yeah, multipass, she knows it's a multipass. Leeloo Dallas. This is my wife. Leeloo : Mul-ti-pass. Korben Dallas : We're newlyweds. Just met. You know how it is. We bumped into each other, sparks happen... Leeloo : Mul-ti-pass. Korben Dallas : Yes, she knows it's a multipass. Anyway, we're in love. Leeloo : Everything you create, you use to destroy. Korben Dallas : Yeah, we call it human nature. Police : Are you classified as human? Korben Dallas : Negative, I am a meat popsicle. DJ Ruby Rhod : What was that honey? It was bad. It had no fire, no energy, no nothing. So tomorrow from 5 to 7 will you PLEASE act like you have more than a two word vocabulary. It must be green. Korben Dallas : Can I talk to you for a second? [Throws Ruby up against a wall] Korben Dallas : I didn't come here to play Pumbaa on the radio. So tomorrow from 5 to 7 your gonna give yourself a hand, green? DJ Ruby Rhod : Supergreen. DJ Ruby Rhod : We'll find out everything there is to know about the D man: his dreams, his desires, his most intimates of intimates, and from what I'm looking at, "intimate" is the stud muffin's middle name. So tell me my man, are you nervous in the service? Korben Dallas : Mmm... not really. Korben Dallas : Whoa,lady, I only speak two languages, English and bad English. [Leeloo continues to talk in divine language] Korben Dallas : Now, don't get me wrong, I'm all for conversation, but maybe you could just shut up for a moment? Mr. Kim : You got a message. Korben Dallas : Yeah Mr. Kim : You're not gonna open it? It might be important. Korben Dallas : Yeah, like the last two I got were important. The first one was from my wife, telling me she was leaving. The second was from my lawyer, telling me he was leaving... with my wife. Mr. Kim : Ah, that's bad luck. Grandfather say it not rain everyday. This is good news, guaranteed. I bet your lunch. Korben Dallas : Okay, you're on. Mr. Kim : Come on... [Reads] Mr. Kim : You are fired. Oh. Korben Dallas : Well, at least I won lunch. Mr. Kim : Good philosophy, see good in bad, I like. [Korben shows up at Father Cornelius' door with an unconscious Leeloo in his arms] Priest Vito Cornelius : Yes? Korben Dallas : I'm, uh, looking for a priest. Priest Vito Cornelius : Weddings are one floor down, my son. Congratulations. Korben Dallas : Whats your name? Leeloo : Leeloo Minai Lekarariba-Laminai-Tchai Ekbat De Sebat. Korben Dallas : Good. That... that whole thing's your name, huh? Do you have, uh... a shorter name? Leeloo : Leeloo. [Dallas shoots the negotiator] Korben Dallas : Anyone else want to negotiate? Leeloo : Hello. Korben Dallas : Oh, so you speak English now. Leeloo : Yes. I learned. General Munro : [after telling Korben about the mission] Any questions? Korben Dallas : Yeah. Just one. Why me? I retired six months ago. You remember? General Munro : Three reasons. One - as a member of the elite special forces unit of the Federated Army, you are expert in the use of all major weapons & space craft needed for this mission. Two - of all the members of your unit, you were the most highly decorated. Korben Dallas : ...and the third one? General Munro : Of all the members of your unit, you're the only one left alive. [Cornelius bursts into Korben's room and holds him at gunpoint] Priest Vito Cornelius : I'm really sorry to have to resort to these methods, Mr. Wallace. Korben Dallas : Dallas. Priest Vito Cornelius : Er, Mr. Dallas. But we heard about your good luck on the radio, and we need your tickets for Fhloston. |
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