|
|
|
|
 |
|
 Sarah Michelle Gellar Quotation(about her father) - "Just because you donate sperm does not make you a father. I don't have a father. I would never give him the credit or acknowledge him as my father." [On Being A Teen Idol] "This is what I've waited for my whole life." (High school) "My biggest complaint is school when it's Send-the-roses day, somebody's always left out. I always got roses, but I would give them to someone who hadn't gotten any." (Horror Movies) "I'm always the one who gets killed. And I want it to be really gory. Body parts all over the place. Mangled! " [on Ryan Phillippe and Reese Witherspoon]: "They're unbelievable. They're an inspiration to young love." [on job pressures] "There's so much pressure on all of us right now. On Katie [Holmes], on James [Van Der Beek], and myself, to do these movies, and do as much as you can because there is the slight feeling that one day your phone will stop ringing. It's not about the craft, per se. It's so easy to fall for it all because people remind you constantly that as fast as it comes, it can go. And I think there is this sort of paranoia, this need to keep working. And I know that I felt it, and for the first three years of the show, I never had more than a week off, except for Christmas. That was it." (On being 'skinny') "How can women be as thin as we are? We have personal trainers to work us out. We have specially prepared meals." [on the Internet] "I got a computer and I'm learning how to use it. I collect antique books, so I used it to get my copy of 'Les Liaisons Dangereuses,' and I use it for travel, to look up customs. I went to Fiji, and I looked up all this stuff before I went, like 'Don't wear a hat in someone's house because it's rude, and don't wear shoes.' You've got to think there's something better I can do with my time than log on to the Internet and say, 'Ooo, let's find out about me!' I think that would frighten me a little bit." "It makes me think of women who don't shave their legs." - on what the word "feminist" means [On her kissing scene with Selma Blair in Movie Title: Cruel Intentions]: "It was a great kiss. It even had a saliva trail." "One of the greatest gifts my job has given me is that my mother, who gave up her entire life for me, doesn't have to work any more. I'm now in a position to repay her for her devotion." "I am militant about drugs. You want to do 'em? You're out of my life." [on posing nude] "Right now I can't picture posing, but I don't believe in saying never... There might be a time when I got pregnant and felt really beautiful and wanted to have a nude picture." "I would go to college to be a journalist. I always wanted to write for Time or Newsweek." (On what she would do if she wasn't acting.) "You'll never know what you're capable of if you don't try." "I don't understand why James Bond has to be a man all the time. When Pierce Brosnan retires, why not one of us?" [on why she was happy to get married:] "I'm so grateful I don't have to go looking for a man on a Saturday night. I was always terrible at chatting up men." [December 10, 2003] [about Movie Title: Buffy the Vampire Slayer:] "To me, the scariest elements of horror films are the things that could really happen. And what is more scary than high school? ... What I like about the show is that it reminds you it's O.K. to be different. What people think isn't necessarily true. If people walk away with half of that, we've done our job." [New York Times, April 27, 1997] [on playing Kendall Hart on Movie Title: All My Children:] "I seduced my stepfather, and when he wouldn't sleep with me, I slept with the stable boy, cried rape, and my mother stabbed him with a letter opener. Then I went to jail for perjury, burned my parents' divorce papers, and locked up my little sister. I think that was all in the first week." [New York Times, April 27, 1997] [on attending the Professional Children's High School in Manhattan:] "Everybody there had a talent, and everyone was respected. If somebody didn't like you--they didn't talk to you! They didn't make fun of you, punish you. You could, you know, mess around with how you dress. You really had that chance to find yourself, and I thank God for that school. I went to that school feeling amazingly untalented. That school was my lifeline. Let me tell you something--talent night at our school? There was nothing like it." Movie Title: Simply Irresistible (1999) as Amanda Shelton: Amanda Shelton : My friend told me this thing about men and sex, they think about it 238 times a day. Tom Bartlett : That's ridiculous, that would be about every 4 minutes... yeah, that's about right. Amanda Shelton : I've been here 20 minutes. Tom Bartlett : I've liked you since the day I met you. Amanda Shelton : You mean the day I had my hand up your pants. Men are so easy. Tom Bartlett : Oh yeah. Movie Title: I Know What You Did Last Summer (1997) as Helen: Sheriff : Oh, and did this killer use his hook to cut all your hair off? Helen : No, he used scissors, asshole. Helen : We should have a plan. Angela Lansbury always had a plan. Helen : By that time I'll just be finishing my two year contract with Guiding Light coinciding with your first year as starting quarterback for the Steelers. Barry : Cowboys. Helen : Then we can elope to Europe, or the Caymans, wherever, where I'll let you impregnate me with the first of 3 children before you head off to rehab. Then we can live happily blah blah blah. Helen : Well Bob, at summer's end I plan on moving to New York where I'll pursue a career as a serious actress. It's my goal to entertain the world through artistic expression. Through art I shall serve my country. Helen : Come sit in the back. I'll let you do things to me. Helen : You little shit-stick-mayberry-ass reject. There has been a murder, and you are going to fry in hell if you don't do something about it. Julie : Helen, we killed a man and ruined the lives of everyone he knew. Helen : I don't think we were that powerful Julie, you're giving us way to much credit. Movie Title: Small Soldiers (1998) as Gwendy Doll: Gwendy Doll : All my makeup is cruelty free! Gwendy Doll : If you can't accessorize, pulverize! Gwendy Doll : I think I over-plucked my eyebrows! Movie Title: Cruel Intentions (1999) as Kathryn: Kathryn : Everybody loves me, and I intend to keep that way. Kathryn : Don Juan is moving with the speed of a Special Olympics hurdler. Kathryn : Can I take my new car for a ride? Sebastian : Kathryn, the only thing you'll be riding is me. Kathryn : If I win, then that hot little car of yours is mine. Sebastian : And if I win? Kathryn : I'll give you something you've been obsessing about ever since our parents got married. Sebastian : Be more specific. Kathryn : In English I'll fuck your brains out. Kathryn : Introduce her to your world of sex, drugs and... what else do you do? Kathryn : Fuck her yet? Sebastian : Working on it. Kathryn : Loser. Sebastian : Blow me. Kathryn : Call me later? Kathryn : She's quite cute, you know. Young, supple breasts, a tight, firm ass and an uncharted pootie. Be her Captain Picard, Valmont. Boldly go where no man has gone before. Kathryn : My advice is to sleep with as many people as possible. Cecile Caldwell : But that would make me a slut, wouldn't it? Kathryn : Cecile, everybody does it; it's just that nobody talks about it. Cecile Caldwell : So, it's like a secret society? Kathryn : That's one way looking at it. Kathryn : I hate it when things don't go my way. It makes me so horny. Kathryn : I think there's something going on between Cecile and her music teacher. Bunny Caldwell : Ronald? That's crazy! Kathryn : I know, she's so young and he's so... Bunny Caldwell : Black! Kathryn : I wanna FUCK! Sebastian : And I don't. Sebastian : What shall we toast to? Kathryn : To my triumph. Sebastian : It's not my choice of toast, but it's your call. To your triumph over Annette. [Kathryn laughs] Sebastian : What's so funny? Kathryn : Silly rabbit. My triumph isn't over her. It's over you. Sebastian : Come again? Kathryn : You were very much in love with her. And you're still in love with her. But it amused me to make you ashamed of it. You gave up on the first person you ever loved because I threatened your reputation. Don't you get it? You're just a toy, Sebastian. A little toy I like to play with. And now you've completely blown it with her. I think it's the saddest thing I've ever heard. [drinks champagne] Kathryn : Tastes good. So I assume you've come here to make arrangements, but unfortunately, I don't fuck losers. Sebastian : You AMAZE me. Kathryn : Eat me, Sebastian. It's okay for guys like you and Court to fuck everyone but when I do it, I get dumped for innocent little twits like Cecile. Do you think I relish the fact that I have to act like Mary Sunshine 24/7 to be considered a lady? I am the Marcia fucking Brady of the Upper East Side, and sometimes I want to kill myself. So there's your psychoanalysis, Dr. Freud. Now are you in, or are you out? Kathryn : The parental units called while you were out. Sebastian : How IS your gold-digging whore of a mother enjoying Bali? Kathryn : She suspects your impotent, alcoholic father is diddling the maid. Sebastian : Good. Kathryn : I think that I'll go and take my new car for a ride. Sebastian : Kathryn, the only thing you'll be riding is me. Kathryn : [on the phone] Cecile?... OK, stop crying... stop crying... You know... hold on for Sebastian. Sebastian : Cecile?... Stop crying. Sebastian : Ohh well duty calls Dr. Greenbalm and her daughter should make for interesting entry. Kathryn : Ohh your journal could you be more queer. Sebastian : Could you be more desperate to read it Kathryn : Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. When I'm through with Cecile, she'll be the premiere tramp of the New York area. Sebastian : Read this. [puts down a copy of "seventeen" magazine on the table] Kathryn : I know how to alleviate menstrual cramps, thank you. Sebastian : She has a boyfriend . . Trevor. Trevor understands. Kathryn : Trevor's a fag. [Reading a virgin's manifesto] Kathryn : "Why I Plan to Wait" by Annette Hargrove, Kansas City, Kansas. Holy shit, is this girl for real? Sebastian : Oh, she's daddy's little angel, a paradigm of chastity and virtue. Bunny Caldwell : How do you do it? Where do you get your strength? Kathryn : I know this will sound corny, but, whenever I feel the temptation of peer pressure, I turn to God and he helps me through the problem. Annette : I don't know if this'll help. But sometimes when I'm feeling down, I turn to Jesus and he helps me through it. Kathryn : ...Thank you. Annette : Alright, well, I'll see you around campus. Kathryn : Looking forward to it... Freak. Movie Title: Harvard Man (2001) as Cindy Bandolini / Cindy: Cindy Bandolini : [getting up after being pinned down by Kelly Morgan] This wrestling shits for girls, if you tried golf sometime I'd whoop your ass" Kelly Morgan : Hmm I'm sure but in the mean time let's stick to reality. Cindy Bandolini : You really should loosen up and try to have a little fun, it be good for ya Kelly Morgan : Oh I know how to have fun Cindy Bandolini : What's that suppose to mean? Kelly Morgan : Whatever you want it to mean Cindy Bandolini : Your a little weird aren't you, I thought FBI agents were suppose to be straight Kelly Morgan : We are straight, we enforce the law Kelly Morgan : Why don't you tell me what you have to tell me and I'll do my best Cindy Bandolini : Why don't you suck my dick Cindy Bandolini : What's more important a Basketball game or the greatest fuck in the world? Alan Jensen : Who are you referring to as the greatest fuck in the world? Cindy Bandolini : I was referring to you, but now that you mention it Cindy : Well, pardon me for breathing, what are you his fucking savior? Movie Title: Scream 2 (1997) as Cici: [To the Killer] Cici : Who are you calling for? Ghostface Killer: What if I said you? Cici : What if I said goodbye? Ghostface Killer: Why would you want to do that? Cici : Why do you always answer a question with a question? Ghostface Killer: I'm inquisitive. Cici : Yeah, and I'm impatient, do you wanna leave a message for somebody? Ghostface Killer: Do you want to die tonight Cici. Cici : Drink with your brains, that's our motto. Movie Title: Scooby-Doo (2002) as Daphne: Daphne : Those creatures are taking over the world... that's so mean. Daphne : [in Fred's body] Fred keeps touching me. Daphne : I've got a major wedgie. Daphne : Scooby. We're here to solve a mystery. [Talking to Fred and Velma] Daphne : I'm a black-belt now. I've transformed my body into a dangerous weapon. Daphne : Wait. I know how to deal with this guy. Hey, you. Velma : Yes that is masterful. Daphne : I'm not helpless. I'm not helpless. I am helpless. I'm gonna die. Velma : Oh please. You get kidnapped so much you should come with your own ransom note. [Daphne snatches Velma's glasses off her face] Velma : My glasses. Where's my glasses? Daphne : Who's helpless now? Daphne : Hey, I'm me again. Velma : [in Fred's body] Yippee for you. Shaggy : [as Velma] Man! Like why am I wearing a dress? Scrappy Doo : Scrappy-Dappy-Doo. Scooby Doo : Hey. Scrappy Doo : Ghosts don't stand a chance with me, let me at em. I'll rock 'em and I sock 'em. Fred : Scrappy. for the thousandth time, there's no such things as ghost. Scrappy Doo : Sure there are, and when I find them I'll give them a good of puppy power [wets on Daphne] Scrappy Doo : ta-da. Daphne : Oh God. he's peeing on me. Daphne : Now, who's the damsel in distress? Henchman: Me. Daphne : Straight up. Fred : I'm me! Daphne : I'm back. Shaggy : Like, me too. Velma : Told you so. [Shaggy pulls Daphne's protoplasm out of the vat] Daphne : Put me back, Shaggy. I'll figure a way out myself. Shaggy : Like how? Daphne : I don't know. I'll - I'll use my tongue, or I'll swim out to the edge. Shaggy : Sorry. [releases Daphne's protoplasm] Movie Title: Scooby Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed (2004) as Daphne: Shaggy : We're gonna die! Daphne : Think positive! Shaggy : We're gonna die quickly! Daphne : Guys, come on remember what I told you? Shaggy : Never pick in nose in public. Daphne : No, but that's... good too. Scooby-Doo : Rimage ris everything. Daphne : yes, image is everything. okay the whole city is watching, so try to keep a brave face. Shaggy : Huh? Daphne : Guys, they're costumes. Shaggy : She's right, Scoob, up close they look totally fake. [after releasing herself and friends from the trap using make-up accessories] Daphne : I enjoy being a girl. Heather : It's my job to unmask those who pretend to be who they're not. Daphne : Unmask those? You sound like... Heather : Sound like who? Daphne : The Evil-Masked Guy. But you knew that. Because just as you know I'm standing here you know that I know who you know you are, which is him who's a her which is you. Heather : Oh. Now I see what you're doing for the gang. You're in charge of incoherent bubbling. Evil Masked Figure : Mystery Incorporated, once again you have proven useless before my power. Because of you soon Coolsville will be mine Heather : darn it! thank alot, the scoop of the night gone. can't you do anything right Daphne : Fred, do you think that I'm just a pretty face? Fred : No. I mean... yes. I mean *not fat*. Definitely *not fat*. Is this sort of you're looking for? Daphne : Fat? Why did you even use that word? Fred : I'm affraid. I'm wimp, huh? Daphne : That doesn't make you wimp. Makes you human. Movie Title: Swans Crossing (1992) as Sydney Rutledge: Sydney Rutledge : What is this, a lame and moronic attempt at revenge? Sydney Rutledge : I know someone who could get a girl to do just about anything, Countess. Sydney Rutledge : Read my lips--they're sealed. Sydney Rutledge : Nancy, shut up and leave! Mayor Margaret Rutledge : Poor Mila is probably suffering from trauma too, dear. Sydney Rutledge : She's suffering from drama, not trauma. Just a bad case of overacting. Countess Valaria Rosnovsky : If you ask me the whole thing is an oxymoron. Sydney Rutledge : Excuse me? Countess Valaria Rosnovsky : It's just that in my book, slumber and party just don't seem to go together. Well, darling, my cook needs some suggestions as to what you angels like to eat. Sydney Rutledge : Well, that's easy enough. For a good slumber party, one needs to usual finger foods- pretzels, potato chips, soda, natural and artificial. Countess Valaria Rosnovsky : Hold on, darling, I'm not a stenographer! Sandy Swan : Sydney, you never wear anything more than twice. Sydney Rutledge : That's once too often. Sydney Rutledge : Use your pedal! Sydney Rutledge : (Sydney's answering machine): This is Sydney Rutledge. Obviously, I'm not answering. So, leave me and message so I'll know whether I want to call you back or not. Movie Title: Angel: The Series (1999) as Buffy: Buffy : I have someone in my life now. That I love. It's not what you and I had. It's very new. You know what makes it new? I trust him. I know him. Buffy : Angel? You okay? Angel : I feel weird. Buffy : I know. I do, too. I mean, I only came to see you so I could tell you face to face not to see me face to face anymore. And I know there's a fly in that logic ointment somewhere, but the next thing I knew, we were being attacked by this Mutant Ninja Demon Thing, and we're on the floor on top of each other, and it's just really confusing being around you. Angel : No, I meant I felt weird from the demon's blood. It's powerful. Buffy : O-kay. Let's just rewind Buffy's little outburst and pretend it never happened. Buffy : Oh boy. I was really jonesing for another heartbreaking sewer talk. Buffy : Oh boy, I was really jonesing for another heartbreaking sewer talk. Buffy : [re: the Mohra demon] It was rude. We should go kill it. Angel : I'm free. Buffy : She tried to kill you. Angel : That was just a cry for help. Buffy : A cry for help is when you say "help" in a loud voice. Movie Title: Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1997) as The First / Buffybot / Buffy: Buffy : We have a marching jazz band? Oz : Yeah, but, you know, since the best jazz is improvisational, we'd be going off in all directions, banging into floats... scary. Buffy : All right, what do you want? Spike : I told you. I want to help you stop Angel. I... I want to save the world. Buffy : Okay... and you do remember you're a vampire right? Spike : We like to talk big, vampires do. "I'm going to destroy the world." It's just tough guy talk. Strutting around with your friends over a pint of blood. The truth is, I like this world. You've got... dog racing, Manchester United, and you've got people. Billions of people walking around like Happy Meals with legs. It's all right here. But then someone comes along with a vision. With a real... passion for destruction. Angel could pull it off. Goodbye, Piccadilly. Farewell, Leicester Bloody Square. You know what I'm saying? Buffy : She was looking to go all payback-y on Glory for a minute, but I cooled her down a little. Actually a lot. Spike : So she's not gonna do anything rash then. Buffy : No. I explained there was no point. Spike : Mm-hmm. Buffy : What? Spike : You- so you're saying that a powerful and mightily pissed off witch was plannin' on going' and spillin' herself a few pints of god blood until you, what..."explained"? Buffy : You think she- no. I told Willow it would be like suicide. Spike : I'd do it. Right person. Person I loved. I'd do it. Giles : I don't understand. What did this? [Buffy's final line] Buffy : Spike. Buffy : Will, you know how bad I feel about this. It's eating me up... [to Anya] Buffy : 1/4 Cup of brandy and let it simmer. [to Willow] Buffy : But even though it's hard, we have to end this. Yes, he's been wronged, And I personally would be ready to apologize. Spike : Oh, someone put a stake in me. Xander : You got a lot of volunteers in here. Spike : I just can't take all this mamby-pamby boo-hooing about the bloody indians. Buffy : Uh, the preferred term... Spike : You won. All right? You came in and you killed them and you took their land. That's what conquering nations do. It's what Caesar did, and he's not going around saying, "I came, I conquered, I felt really bad about it." The history of the world isn't people making friends. You had better weapons, and you massacred them. End of story. Buffy : Well, I think the Spaniards actually did a lot of - Not that I don't like Spaniards. Spike : Listen to you. How you gonna fight anyone with that attitude? Willow : We don't wanna fight anyone. Buffy : I just wanna have thanksgiving. Spike : Heh heh. Yeah... Good luck. Willow : If we could talk to him... Spike : You exterminated his race. What could you possibly say that would make him feel better? It's kill or be killed here. Take your bloody pick. Xander : Maybe it's the syphilis talking, but... Some of that made sense. Giles : How did you know it was me? Buffy : Your eyes. You're the only person in the world that can look that annoyed with me. Angel : Do you love me? Buffy : What? Angel : Do you? Buffy : I love you. I don't know if I trust you. Buffy : [sighing] We need to find Willow. Xander : Yeah, she's off the wagon big-time. Warren's a dead man if she finds him. Dawn : [bitterly] Good. Buffy : Dawn, don't say that. Dawn : Why not? I'd do it myself if I could. Buffy : Because you don't really feel that way. Dawn : Yes I do. And you should too. He killed Tara, and he nearly killed you. He needs to pay. Xander : Out of the mouths of babes. Buffy : Xander. Xander : I'm just saying he's... he's just as bad as any vampire you've sent to dustville. Buffy : Being a Slayer doesn't give me a license to kill. Warren's human. Dawn : [scoffs] So? Buffy : So the human world has its own rules for dealing with people like him. Xander : Yeah, we all know how well those rules work. Buffy : Sometimes they do. Sometimes they don't. We can't control the universe. If we were supposed to... then the magic wouldn't change Willow the way it does. And... we'd be able to bring Tara back. Dawn : [quietly] And Mom. Buffy : There are limits to what we can do. There should be. Willow doesn't want to believe that. And now she's messing with forces that want to hurt her. All of us. Xander : I just... I've had blood on my hands all day. Blood from people I love. Buffy : I know. And now it has to stop. Warren's going to get what he deserves. I promise. But I will *not* let Willow destroy herself. Buffy : I don't know what it is, Spike, but I know there's something you're not telling me. Spike : You're right, there is; but we aren't best friends anymore. So, too bad for me. I'm not sharing. We've been through things, the end of the world and back. I can be useful because, honestly, I've got nothing better to do. You can make use of me if you want. Buffy : Hi. Angel : Hi. Buffy : So, is there danger at the Bronze? Should I beware? Angel : I can't help thinking I've done something to make you angry. And that bothers me more than I'd like. Buffy : I'm not angry. I don't know where that comes from. Angel : What are you afraid of? Me? Us? Buffy : Could you contemplate getting over yourself for a second? There's no 'us'. Look, Angel, I'm sorry if I was supposed to spend the summer mooning over you, but I didn't. I moved on. To the living. Buffy : I don't know what to do. Angel : Then let me decide for you. I can face this thing. Buffy : You can't. Angel : Look, I, I can at least buy you enough time for Willow's spell to bind it. Buffy, this is worse than anything we've ever faced. It's the only way. Buffy : I can't watch you die again. Angel : I love you. Buffy : I love you. Angel : Nothing can change that. Not even death. [Buffy has learned that Giles has robbed her of her powers for a Council test] Giles : You have to listen to me. Because I've told you this, the test is invalidated. You will be safe now, I promise you. Now, whatever I have to do to deal with Kralik... and to win back your trust... Buffy : You stuck a needle in me. You poisoned me. Cordelia : What's going on? Oh, God. Is the world ending? I have to research a paper on Bosnia for tomorrow, but if the world's ending, I'm not gonna bother. Giles : You can't walk home alone, Buffy. It isn't safe. Buffy : I don't know you. Cordelia : Did something take her memory? He's Giles. Giiillles. He hangs out here a lot. Buffy : Cordelia, could you please drive me home? Cordelia : Of course. But if the world doesn't end, I'm gonna need a note. [After Spike slays a vampire for her] Buffy : Spike. Why did you do that? Spike : Not for money, if that's what you're thinkin'. Your heartfelt gratitude is plenty. Expect I'll be getting that any moment. Buffy : Gratitude? For getting in my way? Spike : Getting in your way? I saved you. Buffy : I was regrouping. Spike : You were about to be regrouped into separate piles. You needed help. Buffy : I didn't need you. I never need you, Spike. Spike : Oh, I get it. You just don't like who did the rescuing, that's all. Wishin' I was your boyfriend what's-his-height - oh wait, he's run off. Buffy : You know what? I don't need a boyfriend. To rescue me or for any other reason. Spike : Don't need or can't keep? You keep making notches on the headboard, but eventually they get out of bed and run off, don't they? Buffy : You're disgusting. Spike : Rough talk. Maybe that's your problem - maybe you push 'em away? Or is it the other - maybe you cling too much? Or maybe... your beauty's fading. The stress of slaying aging you prematurely. Things not as high, not as firm. Buffy : You know what, Spike? The more I get to know you, the more I wish I didn't. Spike : Or maybe you just don't hold their interest. [walks away] Spike : Something's happening to me. I can't stop thinking about you. And if that means turning my back on the whole evil... Buffy : You don't know what you mean. You don't know what feelings are. Spike : I damn well do. I lie awake every night... Buffy : You sleep during the day. Spike : Yeah but- you are missing the point. This is real here. I lov... Buffy : Don't. Don't say it. I'm going. Buffy : You know me, not much with the damseling. Angel : You know, I started it. The whole... having a soul thing. Before it was all the 'cool new thing'. Buffy : Oh my god, are you twelve? Angel : I'm getting the brush off for Captain Peroxide. It doesn't necessarily bring out the champion in me. Buffy : You're not getting the brush off. Are you just going to come here and go all Dawson on me everytime I have a boyfriend? Angel : Aha! Boyfriend! Buffy : He's not. But he is in my heart. Angel : That'll end well. Buffy : And what was the highlight of our relationship? When you broke up with me or when I killed you? Giles : Jonathan? How's he? Buffy : Pretty crappy. His parents are freaking. He got suspended. And toting a piece to school, not exactly winning him a place with the in-crowd. But, I think he's dealing. Giles : Well, it's good of you to check on him. Buffy : Well, it's nice to be able to help someone in a non-slaying capacity. Except, he's starting to get that look, you know, like he's gonna ask me to Prom. Giles : Well, it would probably be good for his self-esteem, if you... Buffy : Oh come on. What am I, Saint Buffy? He's like three feet tall. Buffy : They're gonna expect me to... to be like a Slayer and, and know stuff, but I'm just me and I don't know anything and they're gonna to go away and they're not gonna tell me how to fight Glory and I'm not gonna be able to protect Dawn. Giles : Buffy, calm down. The scandal here is not anything you've done wrong, it's the way they're behaving. Holding what they know hostage, with a gun pointed at my bleeding green card no less. It's humiliating. Buffy : Also smart. They picked the perfect thing. I can't lose you. Willow : What about Angel? Buffy : Angel? I can just see him in a relationship. 'Hi, honey, you're in grave danger. I'll see you next month.' Willow : He's not around much, it's true. Buffy : When he is around... it's like the lights dim everywhere else. You know how it's like that with some guys? Willow : Oh, yeah. Buffy : You're Watchers. Without a Slayer, you're pretty much just watchin' Masterpiece Theater. You can't stop Glory. You can't do anything with the information you have except maybe publish it in the "Everyone Thinks We're Insane-O's Home Journal." So here's how it's gonna work. You're gonna tell me everything you know. Then you're gonna go away. You'll contact me if and when you have any further information about Glory. The magic shop will remain open. Mr. Giles will stay here as my official Watcher, reinstated at full salary... Giles : Retroactive. Buffy : ...to be paid retroactively from the month he was fired. I will continue my work with the help of my friends... Watcher: I, uh, I... don't want a sword thrown at me, but, but, civilians, I - we're talking about children. Buffy : We're talking about two very powerful witches and a thousand-year-old ex-demon. Anya : Willow's a demon? [Buffy is pretending to be the Buffybot] Buffy : Why did you let that Glory hurt you? Spike : She wanted to know who the key was. Buffy : Oh, well, I can tell her, and then you'll... Spike : No. You can't ever. Glory never finds out. Buffy : Why? Spike : 'Cause Buffy... the other, not so pleasant Buffy... anything happened to Dawn, it'd destroy her. I couldn't live, her bein' in that much pain. Let Glory kill me first. Nearly bloody did. Faith : I'm looking at you, everything you have, and, I don't know, jealous. Then there I am. Everybody's looking to me, trusting me to lead them, and I've never felt so alone in my entire life. Buffy : Yeah. Faith : And that's you every day, isn't it? Buffy : I love my friends. I'm very grateful for them. But that's the price. Being a slayer. Faith : There's only supposed to be one. Maybe that's why you and I can never get along. We're not supposed to exist together. Buffy : Also, you went evil and were killing people. Faith : Good point. Also a factor. Buffy : But you're right. I mean, I... I guess everyone's alone. But being a slayer? There's a burden we can't share. Faith : And no one else can feel it. Thank God we're hot chicks with superpowers. Giles : I'm not supposed to have a private life? Buffy : No. Because you're very, very old and it's gross. Professor Maggie Walsh : So, the Slayer. Buffy : Yeah, that's me. Professor Maggie Walsh : We thought you were a myth. Buffy : Well, you were myth-taken. Buffy : It's over. Spike : I've memorized this tune, luv. Think I have the sheet music. Doesn't change what you want. Buffy : I know that. I do want you. Being with you... makes things... simpler. For a little while. Spike : I don't call five hours straight a little while. Buffy : I'm using you. I can't love you. I'm just... being weak, and selfish... Spike : Really not complaining here. Buffy : And it's killing me. I have to be strong about this. I'm sorry William. [the gang angrily confronts Buffy on Angel's return] Giles : To hide this, to take this in your own hands... Buffy : I was going to tell you. But I didn't know why he was back or anything. I wanted to wait. Xander : For what? For Angel to go psycho again the next time you give him a happy? Buffy : I'm not going to... We're not together like that. Oz : But you were kissing him. Buffy : [to Xander] You were spying on me? What gives you the right? Cordelia : What gives you the right to suck face with your demon lover again? Buffy : It was an accident. Xander : What? You just tripped and fell on his lips? Buffy : It was wrong. It can't happen again. But I... I'd never put you guys in danger. If I knew Angel was going to hurt anyone... Xander : You'd stop him? Like you tried when he took out Miss Calendar? Buffy : Gee, you'd just love a reason to kill him. Wouldn't you? Xander : I don't need a reason. A lot of dead people, including Jenny Calendar, already constitutes a reason. Angelus : You can't do it. You can't kill me. Buffy : [kicking him in the groin] Give me time. Spike : Oh, poor little lost girl. She doesn't fit in anywhere. She's got no one to love. Buffy : Me? I'm lost? Look at you, you idiot. Poor Spikey. Can't be a human, can't be a vampire. Where the hell do you fit in? Your job is to kill the slayer. But all you can do is follow me around making moon eyes. Spike : I'm in love with you. Buffy : You're in love with pain. Admit it. You like me... because you enjoy getting beat down. So really, who's screwed up? Spike : Hello. Vampire. I'm supposed to be treading on the dark side. What's your excuse? Buffy : I love you. Spike : No, you don't. But thanks for sayin' it. Buffybot : Oh Spike, devour me. Spike : Alright. Buffybot : Spike, I can't help myself. I love you. Spike : You're mine, Buffy. Buffybot : Should I start this program over? Spike : Shh. No programs, don't use that word. Just be Buffy. Buffy : I just don't want you to get your hopes up. Xander : Hopes? Oh, no no no no. There are no hopes. Anya and I are done. I love being single. I'm a strong, successful male who's giddy at the thought of all the women I will no doubt be dating in the near future. Buffy : Strong, successful males say "giddy"? Buffy : Well, I've got a news flash for you, braintrust: that's not how it works. You die, and a demon sets up shop in your old house, and it walks, and it talks, and it remembers your life, but it's not you. Ford: It's better than nothing. Buffy : And your life is nothing? Ford, these people don't deserve to die. Ford: Well, neither do I. But apparently no one took that into consideration, 'cause I'm still dying. Ford: I'm sorry, Summers. Did I screw up your righteous anger riff? Does the nest of tumors liquefying my brain kinda spoil the fun? Buffy : I'm sorry. I had no idea. But what you're doing is still very wrong. Ford: Okay, well, you try vomiting for twenty-four hours straight because the pain in your head is so intense, and *then* we'll discuss the concept of right and wrong. These people are sheep. They wanna be vampires 'cause they're lonely, miserable or bored. I don't have a choice. Buffy : You have a choice. You don't have a good choice, but you have a choice. You're opting for mass murder here, and nothing you say is gonna make that okay. Giles : It's not over. I-I-I suppose you know that. He'll come after you, particularly. His profile, uh, well, he... he's likely to strike out at the things that made him the most human. Buffy : You must be so disappointed in me. Giles : No. No, no, I'm not. Buffy : But this is all my fault. Giles : No. I don't believe it is. Do you want me to wag my finger at you and tell you that you acted rashly? You did. A-and I can. I know that you loved him. And... he... has proven more than once that he loved you. You couldn't have known what would happen. The coming months a-are gonna, are gonna be hard... I, I suspect on all of us, but... if it's guilt you're looking for, Buffy, I'm, I'm not your man. All you will get from me is, is my support. And my respect. Spike : Last night was... God, I'm such a jerk. I can't do this. Buffy : Spike... Spike : It was the best night of my life. If you poke fun at me you bloody well better use that 'cause I couldn't bear it. It may not mean that much to you. Buffy : I just told you it did. Spike : I know, I hear you say it, but... I've lived for sodding ever, Buffy, I've done everything - I've done things with you I can't spell, but I've never... been close. To anyone, least of all you... Until last night. All I did was hold you, and watch you sleep, and it was the best night of my life. So I'm, yeah. Terrified. Angelus : You're going to Hell! Buffy : Save me a seat. Buffy : I hate this. I hate being here. I hate that you have to be here. I hate that there's evil and I've been chosen to fight it. I wish a whole lot of the time that I hadn't been. I know a lot of you wish I hadn't been either. This isn't about wishes. It's about choices. I believe we can beat this evil. Not when it comes. Now when its army is ready. Now. Tomorrow morning I'm opening the seal. I'm going down into the Hellmouth and I'm finishing this once and for all. Right now you're asking yourself what makes this different. What makes us more than a bunch of girls being picked off one by one? It's true. None of you have the power that Faith and I do. So here's the part where you make a choice. Buffy : You guys didn't come all the way from England to determine whether or not I was good enough to be let back in. You came to beg me to let you back in. To give your jobs, your lives some semblance of meaning. Nigel: This is beyond insolence- [Buffy throws a sword at him] Buffy : I'm fairly certain I said no interruptions. Xander : That was excellent. Buffy : [to Turok-Han] Looks good, doesn't it? They're trapped in here. Terrified. Meat for the beast and all they can do is wait. That's all they've been doing for days. Waiting to be picked off one by one. Having nightmares about monsters that can't be killed... but I don't believe that. I always find a way. I am the thing that monsters have nightmares about, and right now you and me are gonna show them why. It's time. Welcome to Thunderdome. Andrew Wells : Two men enter. One man leaves. Buffy : What if you could have that power? Now. All of you. In every generation one Slayer is born because a bunch of guys that died thousands of years ago made up that rule. They were powerful men. This woman is more powerful than all of them combined. So I say we change the rules. I say my power should be our power. Tomorrow Willow will use the essence of this scythe to change our destiny. From now on, every girl in the world who might be a Slayer, will be a Slayer. Every girl who could have the power, will have the power. Who can stand up, will stand up. Every one of you, and girls we've never known, and generations to come... they will have strength they never dreamed of, and more than that, they will have each other. Slayers. Every one of us. Make your choice. Are you ready to be strong? [Buffy has said that Spike only loved her because she was unattainable] Spike : You listen to me. I've been alive a bit longer than you, and dead a lot longer than that. I've seen things you couldn't imagine, and done things I'd prefer you didn't. I don't exactly have a reputation for being a thinker; I follow my blood, which does not always rush in the direction of my head. So I've made a lot of mistakes. A lot of wrong bloody calls. A hundred plus years, only one thing I've ever been sure of. You. Look at me. I'm not asking you for anything. When I tell you that I love you, it's not because I want you, or 'cause I can't have you, it has nothing to do with me. I love what you are, what you do, how you try... I've seen your strength, and your kindness, I've seen the best and the worst of you and I understand with perfect clarity exactly what you are. You are a hell of a woman. You're the one, Buffy. Buffy : I don't... I don't want to be the one. Spike : I don't want to be this good-looking and athletic. We all have crosses to bear. Buffy : What part of punching you in the face do you not understand? Buffy : You got your soul back. How? Spike : It's what you wanted, right? It's what you wanted, right? And-and now everybody's in here, talking. Everything I did, everyone I- and him. And it. The other... the thing... beneath... beneath you. It's here, too. Everybody... they all just tell me go. Go... to hell. Buffy : Why? Why would you do that? Spike : Buffy, shame on you. Why does a man do what he mustn't? For her. To be hers. To be the kind of man who would nev- To be a kind of man. And she shall look on him with forgiveness... and everybody will forgive and love. He will be loved. So everybody's okay, right? C-can we rest now? Buffy? Can we rest? Buffy : So, what do you guys want to do tomorrow? Willow : Nothing strenuous. Xander : Well, mini-golf is always the first thing that comes to mind. Giles : I think we can do better than that. Buffy : I was thinking about shopping. As per usual. Willow : Oh. There's an Arden B. in the new mall. Xander : I could use a few items. Giles : Well, now aren't we gonna discuss this? Save the world to go to the mall? Buffy : I'm having a wicked shoe craving. Xander : Aren't you on the patch? Willow : Those never work. Giles : Here I am, invisible to the eye... Xander : See, I need a new look. It's this whole eye patch thing. Buffy : Oh, you could go with full black secret agent look. Willow : Or the puffy shirt, pirate slash... Giles : The earth is *definitely* doomed. Buffy : When your blood pours out it might save the world. What do you think about that? Does it buy it all back? Are you redeemed? Andrew : No. Buffy : Why not? Andrew : Because I killed him. Because I listened to Warren, and I pretended I thought it was him, but I knew-I knew it wasn't. And I killed Jonathan. And now you're gonna kill me. And I'm scared, and I'm going to die. And this-this is what Jonathan felt. Xander : You think we haven't all seen this before? The part where you just cut us all out? Just step away from everything human and act like you're the law? If you knew what I... Buffy : I killed Angel. Do you even remember that? I would've given up everything I had to be with- I loved him more than I will ever love anything in this life and I put a sword through his heart because I had to. Willow : And that all worked out okay. Buffy : Do you remember cheering me on? The both of you? Do you remember giving me Willow's message? 'Kick his ass'? Willow : I never said that... Xander : This is different. Buffy : It is always different. It's always complicated. And at some point someone has to draw the line and that is always going to be me. You-you get down on me for cutting myself off, and in the end the slayer is always cut off. There's no mystical guide book, no all knowing council. Human rules don't apply. There's only me. I am the law. Xander : There has to be another way. Buffy : Then please find it. Willow : You dreamed about Angel again? Buffy : Third night in a row. Willow : What did he do in the dream? Buffy : Stuff. Willow : Oh. Stuff. Was it one of those vivid dreams where you could feel his lips and smell his hair? Buffy : It had surround sound. I'm just thinking about him so much lately. Willow : You two are so right for each other. Except for the uh, Buffy : Vampire thing. Buffy : Spike, what are you doing here? Five words or less. Spike : [Counting each word on his fingers] Out. For. A. Walk... Bitch. Buffy : Harmony, when you tried to be head cheerleader you were bad, when you tried to chair the homecoming committee you were really bad, but when you try to be bad, you suck. Kendra : He's lying to us. Buffy : That's really good percepto girl, but we're not gonna get much outta him if he's oh, say, unconscious. Ted Buchanan : . . .You're such a pretty girl, the boys must be swarming. Buffy : No, not really. Willow : Besides . . .she's only interested in . . .her studies. Book-cracker Buffy is sort of her nickname. Buffy : See, that's my secret to attracting men. You know, it's simple, really. You slap 'em around a bit, you torture 'em, you make their lives a living hell, and sure, the nice guys, they'll run away, but every now and then you'll come across a real prince of a guy like Spike who gets off on it. Spike : Drink? Buffy : A world of no. So any idea what's causing this? Spike : Oh. So that's all. You just come to pump me for information? Buffy : What else would I want to pump you for? I really just said that, didn't I? Buffy : I was happy. Wherever I was... I was happy... at peace. I knew that everyone I cared about was all right. I knew it. Time didn't mean anything. Nothing had form. But I was still me, you know? And I was warm, and I was loved, and I was finished. Complete. I - I don't understand theology or dimensions, any of it really... but I think I was in heaven. And now I'm not. I was torn out of there, pulled out, by my friends. Everything here is hard and bright and violent. Everything I feel, everything I touch, this is Hell. Just getting through the next moment, and the one after that, knowing what I've lost. They can never know. Never. Spike : And the thing about the dance is, you never get to stop. Every day you wake up, it's the same bloody question that haunts you: is today the day I die? Death is on your heels, baby, and sooner or later it's gonna catch you. And part of you wants it... not only to stop the fear and uncertainty, but because you're just a little bit in love with it. Death is your art. You make it with your hands, day after day. That final gasp. That look of peace. Part of you is desperate to know: What's it like? Where does it lead you? And now you see, that's the secret. Not the punch you didn't throw or the kicks you didn't land. Every Slayer... has a death wish. Even you. The only reason you've lasted as long as you have is you've got ties to the world... your mum, your brat kid sister, the Scoobies. They all tie you here but you're just putting off the inevitable. Sooner or later, you're gonna want it. And the second- the second- that happens... You know I'll be there. I'll slip in... have myself a real good day. Here endeth the lesson. I just wonder if you'll like it as much as she did. Buffy : Get out of my sight. Now. Spike : Oh... did I scare ya? You're the Slayer. Do something about it. Hit me. Come on. One good swing. You know you want to. Buffy : I mean it. Spike : So do I. Give it me good, Buffy. Do it. Angel : I'm getting the brush off for Captain Peroxide. It doesn't necessarily bring out the champion in me. Buffy : You're not getting the brush off. Are you just going to come here and go all Dawson on me every time I have a boyfriend? Angel : Aha. Boyfriend. Buffy : Dawn, listen to me. listen. I love you. I will *Always* love you. But this is the work that I have to do. Tell Giles... tell Giles I figured it out. And, and I'm okay. And give my love to my friends. You have to take care of them now. You have to be strong. Dawn, the hardest thing in this world... it to live in it. Be brave. Live. For me. Willow : So, that's it? Buffy : That's it. Assuming we survive this Ascension thing, he's gonna leave town. Willow : Well, he's a fool. He's just a big, dumb, jerk person. If you ask me. And he's a super maxi-jerk for doing it right before the prom. Buffy : It's not his fault. He's 243 years old. He doesn't exactly get the prom. Willow : But he should. If he... Buffy : Will, it's okay. You don't have to make him the bad guy. Willow : But, that's the best friend's job. Vilifying and grousing. Buffy : Usually, yeah. But he's right. I think that maybe in the long run, he's right. Willow : Yeah. I think he is. I mean, I tried to hope for the best, but... I'm sorry. Must be horrible. Buffy : I think horrible is still coming. Right now, it's worse. Right now, I'm just trying to keep from dying. Willow : Oh Buffy. Buffy : I can't breathe Will. I feel like I can't breathe. Buffy : I've had a lot of people talking at me the last few days. Everyone just lining up to tell me how unimportant I am. And I've finally figured out why. Power. I have it. They don't. This bothers them. Glory... came to my home today. Giles : Buffy, are you... Buffy : Just to talk. She told me I'm a bug, I'm a flea, she could squash me in a second. Only she didn't. She came into my home, and we talked. We had what in her warped brain probably passes for a civilized conversation. Why? Because she needs something from me. Because I have power over her. Anya : We're just kinda thrown by the, you having sex with Spike. Buffy : The who whatting how with huh? Anya : Okay, that's denial. That comes before anger. Buffy : I am not having sex with Spike. Anya : Anger. Xander : No one is judging you. It's understandable. Spike is strong and mysterious and sort of compact but well-muscled... Buffy : I am not having sex with Spike, but I'm starting to think you are. Spike : The last time I looked in on you two, you were fighting to the death. Now you're back making googly-eyes at each other like nothing happened. Makes me want to heave. Buffy : I don't know what you're talking about. Spike : Oh, yeah. You're just friends. Angel : That's right. Spike : You're not friends. You'll never be friends. You'll be in love till it kills you both. You'll fight, you'll shag and you'll hate each other till it makes you quiver, but you'll never be friends. Love isn't brains children, it's blood. Blood screaming inside you to work its will. I may be love's bitch, but at least I'm man enough to admit it. [After the group finished singing together for the first time] Xander : Now, see... that was disturbing. Willow : I thought it was neat. Buffy : So what is it? What's causing it? Giles : I thought it didn't matter. Buffy : Well, I'm not exactly quaking in my stylish, yet afforable boots, but there's definitely something unnatural going on here... And that doesn't usually lead to hugs and puppies. [on the stupidity of the vampire worshippers] Buffy : Spike and all of his friends are going to be pigging out at the All You Can Eat Moron Bar. Buffy : I told you. I'm a vampire slayer. Joyce Summers : Well I just don't accept that. Angel : Why are you riding me? Buffy : Because I don't trust you. You're a vampire. Or is that an offensive term? Should I say 'undead American'? Kendra : Who are you? Buffy : You attacked me, who the hell are you? Buffy : Angel there must be some part of you inside that still remembers who are. Angelus : Dream on schoolgirl. Angel, your boyfriend, is dead and you're all going to join him. Rona : They told me I'd be safe here. Buffy : Right. Well, you are. I mean, you will be safer with me around. Rona : That's good. Buffy : Next time you're attacked... Rona : Whoa, next time? You saying I'm gonna get attacked again? Buffy : Welcome to the Hellmouth. Buffy : This is all you get. I'm listening. Tell me what happened. Spike : I tried to find it of course. Buffy : Find what? Spike : The spark. The missing, the piece, that fit. That made me fit because you didn't want- I can't. Not with you looking. I dreamed of killing you. I think they were dreams. So weak. Did you make me weak? Thinking of you? Hauling myself, spilling buckets of useless salt over your- ending. Angel, he should've warned me. Makes a good show, to watch it. It's here. In me. All the time. The spark. I wanted to give you what you deserved. And I got it. They put the spark in me and all it does, is burn. Buffy : Your soul. Spike : Bit worse for lack of use. Wesley Wyndam-Pryce : Excuse me, but Lohesh was a four-winged soul killer. I was told there're not quite that fierce of all the demons we faced. Anya : You've never seen a demon. Buffy : Excuse me, killing them professionally four years and running. Anya : No, you don't understand. All the demons that walk the Earth, myself included, are tainted, human hybrids, like vampires. The ascension means that a human becomes pure demon. They're different. Buffy : How? Anya : Well for one thing, there're bigger. Buffy : The rest of you are just waiting for me. Xander : Well, yeah, but only because you kinda told us to. You're our leader, Buffy, as in "follow the". Buffy : Well, from now on, I'm your leader as in "do what I say". Xander : Ja wohl. But let's not try to forget, we're also your friends. Anya : I'm not. Buffy : Then why are you here? Aside from getting rescued, what is it that you do? Anya : I provide much needed... sarcasm. Xander : Um, that would kinda be my job, actually. Buffy : Can you vague that up for me? [Angelus has just grabbed Willow] Xander : Hey! Don't do that! Angelus : Oh, I think I'll do that! Jenny Calendar : [holding up a cross] Let her go, Angelus. Willow : Angel? Jenny Calendar : He's not Angel anymore. Are you? Angelus : Wrong. I am Angel... at last! Xander : Oh my God. Angelus : And, I want to leave a message for Buffy. [Buffy appears behind Angelus] Buffy : Why don't you give it to me in person? Angelus : Gee Buff, it's not the sort of message you tell. It sort of involves finding the mangled bodies of all your friends. Angel : Hey. I was wondering when you were coming. Buffy : I'm not coming back. We're not friends. We never were. And I can fool Giles, and I can fool my friends, but I can't fool myself. Or Spike, for some reason. What I want from you I can never have. You don't need me to take care of you anymore. So I'm gonna go. Angel : I don't accept that. Buffy : You have to. Angel : How can... There's gotta be some way we can still see each other. Buffy : There is: tell me that you don't love me. Giles : Dear god, Buffy, there's only so much I can take. We're going to have to change the system. A fourteen-year-old's too old to be babysat, and it's not fair on her. Buffy : What'd she make you do? Giles : Um, well, we listened to aggressively cheerful music sung by people chosen for their ability to dance. Then we ate cookie dough, and talked about boys. Buffy : [laughing] I'm sorry. I'm very, very sorry, but if it makes you feel any better, my "fun time Buffy party night" involved watching a robot throw Spike through a window, so if you wanna trade... no... wait... I wouldn't give that memory up for anything. Buffy : It's not your fault. You're not the one doing this. Spike : I already did it. It's already done. You wanna know what I've done to girls Dawn's age? This is me Buffy. You've got to kill me before I get out. Buffy : We can keep you locked up. Keep you here and we'll figure out... Spike : Have you ever really asked yourself why you can't do it? Off me? After everything I've done to you, to people around you. It's not love. We both know that. Buffy : You fought by my side. You've saved lives. You've helped... Spike : Don't do that. Don't rationalize this into some noble act. We both know the truth of it. You like men who hurt you. Buffy : No. Spike : You need the pain we cause you. You need the hate. You need it to do your job, to be the slayer. Buffy : No. I don't hate like that. Not you, or myself. Not anymore. Angelus : Fun fact about wasps. They have no taste for the undead. Not that a sting would do me any damage, it's just... tonight's special. I wanted to look my best for you. Buffy : [possesed by the ghost James] You're the only one. The only person I can talk to. Angelus : Gosh, Buff. That's really pathetic. Buffy : [faces him] You can't make me disappear just because you say it's over. Angelus : Actually... [approaches her] Angelus : I can. In fact... [possesed by the ghost Grace] Angelus : I just want you to be able to have some kind of normal life. We can never have that, don't you see? Buffy : I don't give a damn about a normal life! I'm going crazy not seeing you. I think about you every minute. [Ghost Indian transforms into a large bear while fighting Buffy] Spike : A bear! You made a bear! Buffy : I didn't mean to. Spike : Undo it! Undo it! Spike : And just what brings our good principal to this neck of the gloom? Buffy : I'm showing him our operation. Us. Spike : Fine by me. Big fight against evil coming up. The more good guys we've got, the longer we'll all live. Principal Robin Wood : Is that what you are? A good guy? Spike : I haven't heard any complaints. Well, I have heard a few complaints over the years, but then I just killed whoever spoke up, and that was pretty much that. Buffy : He's joking. Spike : No, I'm not. Spike : And my robot? Buffy : The robot is gone. The robot was gross and obscene. Spike : It wasn't supposed to... Buffy : Don't. That... thing, it... it wasn't even real. What you did, for me, and Dawn... that was real. I won't forget it. Joyce Summers : I think we're just about ready for pie. Xander : Then I'll be pretty much ready for barf. Buffy : Xander. Xander : No, no, barf from the eating. 'Cause all was good, and too much goodness... Joyce Summers : I'm taking it as a compliment. Willow : I'll give Xander a call. What's his number? Oh, yeah, 1-800-I'm-Dating-A-Skanky-Ho. Buffy : Meow. Willow : Really? Thanks. I've never gotten a "meow" before. [to Cordelia] Buffy : Well, that works out great. You won't tell anyone that I'm the Slayer, and I won't tell anyone you're a moron. Cordelia : When did you become Martha Stewart? Buffy : First of all, Martha Stewart knows jack about hand-cut prosciutto. Xander : I don't believe she slays, either. Oz : Oh, I hear she can, but she doesn't like to. Faith : When I'm fighting, it's like the whole world goes away. I only know one thing: that I'm gonna win, and they're gonna lose. I *like* that feeling. Buffy : Well sure, beats that "dead" feeling you get when they win and *you* lose. Faith : You can't trust guys. Buffy : You can trust some guys. Really, I've read about them. Buffy : I just wanna get my life back, you know? Do normal stuff. Willow : Like date? Buffy : Well... Xander : Aw, you wanna date. I saw that half-smile, you little slut. [Buffy punches him on the arm] Xander : Ow. Buffy : All right... yes, date, and hang out and go to school and save the world from unspeakable demons. You know, I wanna do girlie stuff. Buffy : Mom, dead people are talking to you. Do the math. Buffy : Oh, no... I have to go take an English make-up exam. They give you credit just for speaking it, right? Buffy : What are you guys talking about? Oz : Oddly enough, your boyfriend. Again. Buffy : He's not my boyfriend. Really and truly, he's... I don't know. Are we cool? Xander : Yeah. Just, seeing the two of you kissing, after everything that happened... I leaned toward the postal. But I trust you. Cordelia : I don't. Just for the record. Buffy : Do you remember that demon that almost got out the night I died? Willow : Every nightmare I have that doesn't revolve around academic failure or public nudity is about that thing. In fact, once I dreamt that it attacked me while I was late for a test and naked. Buffy : Hey. Look at us. We came up with a plan, a good plan. Buffy : I can't believe you got into Oxford. Willow : It's pretty exciting. Oz : That's some deep academia there. Buffy : That's where they make Gileses. Willow : I know. I can learn, and have scones. Buffy : What should we do with the trio over here? Should we burn them? Willow : I brought marshmallows. Xander : Willow, did you remember to tape "Biography" last Friday? Willow : Uh huh. Buffy : See? I told you... old reliable. Willow : Oh, thanks. Buffy : What? Willow : "Old reliable"? Yeah, there's a sexy nickname. Buffy : I-I didn't mean it as... Willow : No, it's fine. I'm "old reliable." Xander : She just means, you know, the geyser. You're like a geyser of fun that goes off at regular intervals. Willow : That's Old Faithful. Xander : Isn't that the dog that the guy had to shoot... Willow : That's Old *Yeller*. Buffy : Xander, I beg you not to help me. [The gang looks at the vampire version of Willow from an alternate reality] Giles : It's extraordinary. Willow : It's horrible. That's me as a vampire? I'm so evil, and skanky... and I think I'm kinda gay Buffy : Willow just remember, a vampire's personality has nothing to do with the person it was. Angel : Well actually... ah... good point. Buffy : What do you want? Angel : The same thing you do. Buffy : Okay. What do I want? Angel : To kill 'em. To kill 'em all. Buffy : Sorry, that's incorrect. But, you do get this watch and a year's supply of turtle wax. What I want is to be left alone. Wesley Wyndam-Pryce : The Council's orders are to concentrate on... Buffy : Orders? I don't think I'm gonna be taking any more orders. Not from you. Not from them. Wesley Wyndam-Pryce : You can't turn your back on the Council. Buffy : They're in England. I don't think they can tell which way my back is facing. Buffy : I'm gonna give you all a nice, fun, normal evening if I have to kill every person on the face of the Earth to do it. Xander : Yay? Angel : You know, I never properly thanked you for sending me to Hell. Buffy : No... Angel : I'm wondering, where do I start? A card, fruit basket, hmm? Evisceration? Buffy : I went to Angel's last night, and Faith was there. They looked sort of... intimate. Willow : No way. I know what you're thinking, and no way. Buffy : You're right. Faith would never do that. Willow : Faith would *totally* do that. Faith was *built* to do that. She's the *do that* girl. Buffy : Comfort, remember? Comfort here. Willow : I mean, please. Does Angel come up to Faith's standards for a guy? Let's see... is he breathing? Buffy : Actually, no. Buffy : Okay, that was too close for comfort. Not that slaying is ever comfy, but... you know what I mean. Buffy : The world is what it is - -we fight, we die. Wishing doesn't change that. Rupert Giles : I have to believe in a better world. Buffy : Go ahead. I have to live in this one. Xander : But you know what really bugs me? Okay, we were kissing, it was a mistake, but I know that was positively the last time we were ever gonna kiss. Willow : Darn tootin'. Xander : And they burst in rescuing us, without even knocking? I mean this is really all their fault. Buffy : Your logic does not resemble our earth logic. Xander : Mine is much more advanced. Xander : Is it too much to ask for a little backup? Buffy : I'm here for you Xand. I'm supporto gal. Angel : The Master arose. He let me live... to punish me. I kept hoping you'd come. My destiny... Buffy : Is this a get-in-my-pants thing? You guys in Sunnydale talk like I'm the second coming. Angel : What's the plan? Buffy : [holding a stake] Don't fall on this. Buffy : I don't play well with others. Buffy : Do - -do you think I chose to be like this? Do you have any idea how lonely it is, how dangerous? I would *love* to be upstairs watching TV or gossiping about boys or... God, even studying. But I have to save the world. Again. Xander : So, Buffy, how'd the slaying go last night? Buffy : Xander. Xander : I mean, how'd the *laying* go? No, I don't mean that either. Angelus : No weapons... no friends... no hope. Take all that away and what's left? Buffy : Me. Buffy : I didn't jump to conclusions. I took a small step, and conclusions there were. Angel : I'm trying to do what's right here, okay? I'm trying to think with my head instead of my heart. Buffy : Heart? You have a heart? It isn't even beating. Angel : Don't. Buffy : Don't what? Don't love you? I'm sorry you know what, I didn't know that I got a choice in that. I'm never gonna change. I can't change. I want my life to be with you. Angel : I don't. Buffy : You don't want to be with me? I can't believe you're breaking up with me. Buffy : I wish we could be regular kids. Angel : I'll never be a kid. Buffy : Okay then, a regular kid and her cradle-robbing creature-of-the-night boyfriend. Buffy : You're right. We don't know how to fight it. We don't know when it'll come. Can't run, can't hide. Can't pretend it's not the end 'cause it is. Something's always been there to try and destroy the world, and we've beaten them back. Well, we're not dealing with them anymore. We're dealing with why they exist. Evil. The strongest. The First. Giles : Buffy, um, I-I know you're tired... Buffy : I'm beyond tired. I'm beyond scared. I'm standing on the mouth of hell and it's gonna swallow me whole. And it'll choke on me. We're not ready? They're not ready. They think we're gonna wait for the end to come, like we always do. I'm done waiting. They want an apocalypse? We'll give them one. Anyone else who wants to run? Do it now, 'cause we just became an army. We just declared war. From now on we won't just face our worst fears, we will seek them out. We will find them and cut out their hearts till the First shows itself for what it really is. And I'll kill myself. There is only one thing on earth more powerful than evil, and that's us. Any questions? Buffy : You can attack me, you can send assassins after me, that's fine. But nobody messes with my boyfriend. Buffy : Who are you? Angel : Let's just say, I'm a friend. Buffy : Yeah, maybe I don't want a friend. Angel : I didn't say I was yours. Buffy : Vampires are creeps. Rupert Giles : Yes. That's why one slays them. Vampire: Slayer. Buffy : Slayee. Buffy : We're not all gonna make it. You know that. Spike : Yeah. Hey. Always knew I'd go down fightin'. Buffy : I'm counting on you... to protect her. Spike : Till the end of the world. Even if that happens to be tonight. Buffy : Have I ever let you down? Rupert Giles : Do you want me to answer that, or shall I just glare? Rupert Giles : I'll bring the weaponry. Buffy : I'll bring the party mix. Buffy : It must have been wonderful. To put on some fantabulous gown and go to a ball like a princess. And have horses and servants and yet more gowns. Buffy : I think I speak for everyone here when I say, huh? Buffy : We saved the world. I say we have to party. Angelus : Hello, lover. I wasn't sure you'd come. Buffy : After your immolation-o-gram? Come on, I had to show. Shouldn't you be out destroying the world right now, pulling the sword out of Al Franken or whatever his name is? Angelus : There's time enough. I wanted to say goodbye first. You are the one thing in this dimension I will miss. Buffy : This is a beautiful moment we're having. Can we please fight? Angelus : I didn't come here to fight. Buffy : No? Angelus : Gosh, I was hoping we could get back together. What do you think? Do we have a shot? Alright. We'll fight. Buffy : Add it up, it all spells duh. Buffy : Ahh, it's okay. Gave Cord and I chance to spend some quality death time. Cordelia : And we got these free corsages. Buffy : Are you crazy? You just don't sneak up on people in a graveyard. You make noise when you walk, you stomp, or... yodel. Buffy : Cordelia, your mouth is open, sound is coming from it, this is never good. Buffy : Do you really love Xander? Cordelia : Well, he kinda grows on you, like... a Chia Pet. Buffy : God. I am so mentally challenged. Buffy : Hey, I know. Why don't you kill them? Rupert Giles : I'm a Watcher, I haven't the skill. Buffy : Oh, come on. A stake through the heart, a little sunlight. It's like falling off a log. Buffy : How long do you think that he can stay angry at me anyway? Willow : The emotional marathon man? Buffy : I didn't say that I'd never slay another vampire. It's not like I have all these fluffy bunny feelings for them, I'm just not gonna get way extracurricular with it. Buffy : I don't get it. Why would anybody want to make a girl? Xander : You mean when there's so many pre-made ones just laying around? Buffy : I gotta stop him before he unleashes unholy havoc and it's just another Tuesday night in Sunnydale. The Master : You're dead. Buffy : I may be dead, but I'm still pretty. Which is more than I can say about you. Buffy : I spent a good part of my allowance on this new cream rinse and it's neither creamy nor rinsey. Buffy : I'm Buffy, The Vampire Slayer. And you are? Buffy : I-I-I have a few questions, about being the Slayer. What about... love? Not just boyfriend love. Spirit Guide: You think you're losing your ability to love. Buffy : I didn't say that... yeah. Spirit Guide: You're afraid that being the Slayer means losing your humanity. Buffy : Does it? Spirit Guide: You are full of love, you love with all your soul. It's brighter than the fire... blinding... that's why you pull away from it. Buffy : I'm full of love? I'm not losing it? Spirit Guide: Only if you reject it. Love is pain, and the Slayer forges strength from pain. Love... give... forgive. Risk the pain, it is your nature. Love will bring you to your gift. Buffy : What? Buffy : Are we really going to do this? Willow : Oh, come on, this is a huge deal for me. Six years as a sideman, now I get to be the slayer. Buffy : A killer isn't a slayer. Being a slayer means something you can't conceive of. Willow : Oh Buffy. You really need to have every square inch of your ass kicked. Buffy : Then show me what you got. And I'll show you what a slayer really is. Buffy : I guess because I'm the slayer I was invulnerable to the spell. Xander : Right, and you're marrying Spike because he's so right for you. Buffy : I'm sorry, it's just been a really weird day. Xander : Yeah, Buffy died and everything. Willow : Wow, harsh. Buffy : Love makes you do the wacky. Buffy : Maybe I should introduce you again. Faith, this is Giles. Faith : I've seen him. If I would have known they came that young and cute, I would have requested a transfer. Buffy : Raise your hand if eww. Buffy : Mom, the only way you get a new slayer is if the old slayer dies. Joyce Summers : Then that means you... When did you die? You never told me you died. Buffy : It was just for a few minutes. Buffy : Now, we can do this the hard way or... well, actually, there's just the hard way. Darla : That's fine with me. Buffy : Are you sure? Now this is not gonna be pretty. We're talking violence, strong language, adult content. Buffy : You need a personality, stat. Buffy : Oh look, a bad guy. Buffy : Okay, everyone look at me like I'm in a bunny suit because that's how stupid I feel like saying this. Buffy : People to see, demons to kill. Buffy : See, this is a school. And we have students and they check out books and then they learn things. Rupert Giles : I was beginning to suspect that was a myth. Buffy : Being called an idiot tends to take people out of the dating mood. Xander : That actually kinda turns me on. Buffy : I fear you. Buffy : What's with all the tragedy masks? [After knocking Giles unconscious] Buffy : When he wakes up, tell him... I don't know. Make something cool up, tell him I said it. Buffy : You know, I just woke up and I looked in the mirror and thought, "Hey, what's with all the sin." I need to change. I'm dirty, I'm bad with the sex, and the envy, and the loud music us kids listen to nowadays. Oh, I just suck at undercover. Buffy : You read my diary? That is not OK. A diary is like a person's most private possession. You don't even know what I was writing about. Hunk can mean a lot of things, bad things. And, and when I said his eyes were penetrating, I meant bulging. Angel : Buffy... Buffy : A doesn't even stand for Angel for that matter. It stand for Achmed, a charming foreign exchange student. And that whole fantasy part has nothing to even do with you, at all... Angel : Your mother moved your diary when she came in to straighten up. I watched her from the closet. I didn't read it, I swear. Buffy : Oh. Buffy : You're a vampire. Oh, I'm sorry. Was that an offensive term? Should I say undead American? Cordelia : You're really campaigning for bitch of the year, aren't you? Buffy : As defending champion, you nervous? Rupert Giles : Alright. I'll just jump into my time machine, go back to the 12th century and ask the vampires to postpone their ancient prophecy for a few days while you take in dinner and a show. Buffy : Okay, at this point you're abusing sarcasm. Buffy : She saw these scores and her head spun round and exploded. Rupert Giles : I've been on the Hellmouth too long. That was metaphorical, yes? Rupert Giles : They came after me, but I was more than a match for them. Buffy : Meaning? Rupert Giles : I hid. Rupert Giles : This is the SATs, Buffy. Not connect the dots. Please pay attention. A low score can seriously harm your chances of getting into college. Buffy : Gee, thanks. That takes the pressure right off. Joyce Summers : You belong in a good old fashioned college with keg parties and boys. Not here with Hellmouths and vampires. Buffy : Not really seeing the distinction. The Master : You were destined to die, it was written. Buffy : What can I say? I flunked the written. Nurse: What are you doing? Buffy : Breaking into your office and going through your private files. Xander : When are you guys gonna stop making fun of me for dating Cordelia? Buffy : I'm sorry, but never. Buffy : I told one lie... I had one drink... Rupert Giles : Yes. And you were very nearly devoured by a giant demon snake. The words, "Let that be a lesson" are a tad redundant at this juncture. Angel : I knew this was gonna happen. Buffy : What? What do you think is happening? Angel : You're 16 years old, I'm 241. Buffy : I've done the math. Angel : You don't know what you're doing. You don't know what you want. Buffy : Oh, no. I think I do. I want out of this conversation. Angel : Listen, if we date, you and I both know one thing's gonna lead to another. Buffy : One thing already has led to another. You think it's a little bit late to be reading me a warning label? Angel : I'm just trying to protect you. This could get out of control. Buffy : Isn't that the way it's supposed to be? [Angel grabs her and pulls her close, and she gasps] Angel : This isn't some fairy tale. When I kiss you... you don't wake up from a deep sleep and live happily ever after. Buffy : No... when you kiss me, I wanna die. Angel : Listen. If we date, you and I both know one thing's going to lead to another. Buffy : One thing's already lead to another. It's a little late to be reading me the warning label. Angel : I'm just trying to protect you. This could get out of control. Buffy : Isn't that the way it's supposed to be? Angel : You think I want anything to happen to you? Do you think I could stand it? We just gotta figure out a way... Buffy : I already did. I quit, remember? Pay attention. Giles : Buffy, if the Master rises... Buffy : I don't care. I don't care. Giles, I'm sixteen years old. I don't wanna die. Buffy : Slaying is a tad more perilous than dating. Xander : Obviously you're not dating Cordelia. Buffy : My boyfriend had a bicentennial. Buffy : I have to bail. Xander : No, stay here. Buffy : I'd only be here for moral support. Xander : . . .but you can get the ho-ho's for us. Rupert Giles : She's right, she should go. Xander : . . .but ho-ho's are a vital part of my thinking process. Rupert Giles : Might I have a word? Buffy : Have a sentence even. Buffy : It claimed to be the original evil, the one that came before anything else. Anya : Please, how many times have I heard that line in my demon days? "I'm so rotten, they don't even have a word for it. I'm bad. Baddy bad bad bad. Does it make you horny?" [Buffy reads her mom's thoughts] Buffy : You had sex with Giles? You had SEX with Giles? Joyce Summers : It was the candy, we were teenagers. Buffy : On the top of a police car? Joyce Summers : I'll be downstairs. Buffy : TWICE? Buffy : When Giles sends me on a mission, he says "please." And afterwards I get a cookie. Jenny Calendar : You're here again? You kids really dig the library don't you? Buffy : We're literary. Xander : To read makes our speaking English good. Buffy : Does it ever get easy? Rupert Giles : You mean life? Buffy : Yeah, does it ever get easy? Rupert Giles : What do you want me to say? Buffy : Lie to me. Rupert Giles : Yes. It's terribly simple. The good guys are always stalwart and true. The bad guys are easily distinguished by their pointy horns or black hats, and we always defeat them and save the day. No one ever dies... and everyone lives happily ever after. Buffy : Liar. Willow : Why is she so Evita-like? Buffy : It's the hair. Willow : Weighs heavy on the cerebral cortex. Xander : Giles lived for school. He's still bitter there were only twelve grades. Buffy : He probably sat in math class thinking, "There should be more math. This could be mathier." Xander : Come on. You don't think he ever got restless as a kid? Buffy : Are you kidding? His diapers were tweed. Willow : [Nailing crosses around her doors] I'm going to have a hard time explaining this to my dad. Buffy : You really think this'll bother him? Willow : Ira Rosenberg's only daughter nailing crucifixes to her bedroom wall? I have to go to Xander's house just to watch A Charlie Brown Christmas every year. Buffy : Yeah, I see your point. Willow : Although it is worthwhile just to see Xander do the Snoopy dance. Buffy : You know, for someone who teaches human behavior, you might try showing some. Professor Maggie Walsh : It's not my job to coddle my students. Buffy : You're right. A human being in pain has nothing to do with your job. [walks away] Professor Maggie Walsh : I like her. Riley Finn : Really? You don't think she's a little peculiar? Buffy : I told you. I said end of the world. And you're like, "Pooh-pooh, Southern California, pooh-pooh." Rupert Giles : I'm so very sorry. My contrition completely dwarfs the impending apocalypse. Willow : No, it can't be. We - we've done this already. Rupert Giles : It's the end of the world. Everyone dies. It's rather important, really. Willow : So what do we do? Buffy : I stop it. Riley Finn : I thought maybe we could have a little spread. Sandwiches, maybe some ants. Could be fun. Buffy : We were talking about a picnic? Riley Finn : Oh... so, was that a conversation I actually had or one I was just practicing? Buffy : Practicing? Riley Finn : Okay, yes, I have been known to do a little prep work before our conversations. It's not easy, you know, talking to you sometimes. It's like an oral exam. Buffy : Boy, that's just what every girl longs to hear. Riley Finn : Well, you're tricky. Buffy : It's just... different, you know? A picnic. First of all, daylight. That's kind of a new venue, Buffywise. And the best part - he said that he would bring all the food, so all I have to do is show up and eat. Those are two things I'm really good at. Willow : So he's nice? Buffy : Very, very. Willow : And there's sparkage? Buffy : Yeah. He's... have you seen his arms? Those are... good arms to have. Buffy : I have to get away from that "bad boy" thing. There's no good there. Buffy : Hello to the pain. Willow : The pain is not a friend. Willow : I don't like it. The thought that there's a vampire out there that looks like me. Xander : Not looks like, "is you." Buffy : It was you, Willow, in every detail. Except for you not being a dominatrix... as far as we know. Willow : Oh, right. Me and Oz play Mistress of Pain every night. Please. Xander : Did anyone else just go to a scary visual place? Buffy : Oh, look at my poor neck... all bare and tender and exposed. All that blood, just pumping away. Rupert Giles : Oh, please. Spike : Giles, make her stop. Rupert Giles : If those two don't kill each other, I might lend a hand. Buffy : Cool. Crossbow. Check out these babies. Goodbye stakes, hello flying fatality. [As the group ponders how to stop Glory] Anya : Okay, but I'm still not hearing enough ideas. She's a God, let's think outside the box. Spike : Why don't you go think outside the bleeding box. Giles : Yes, Anya. Apart from your incredibly uninfectious enthusiasm have you anything else to contribute... Anya : The daggon sphere. Giles : Sorry? Anya : When Buffy first met Glory she found that magical glowy sphere that was meant to repel Glory. We've got it in the basement. It might drive her away or hurt her. Oh. [motioning to a large hammer] Anya : And Olaf the troll god's enchanted hammer. You want to fight a god, use the weapon of a god. Spike : Nah, that thing's too heavy to... [Buffy easily picks up the hammer] Spike : Yeah, good. Buffy : I like this. Thanks. Anya : Here to help. Wanna live. Buffy : I thought a professional demon chaser like yourself would've figured it out by now. I'm the Slayer. Slay-er. Chosen One. She-who-hangs-out-a-lot-in-cemeteries? You're kidding. Ask around. Look it up: "Slayer, comma, the." Buffy : Cool. You guys can do the brain thing. I'm gonna go to class. Oz : Which could also be construed as the brain thing. [Buffy thinks her new college roommate is a demon] Willow : Toenails? Buffy : Evil toenails. I took them off the floor last night when she was in the bathroom. She thought I was asleep. Willow : Good thinking. 'Cause in the middle of the night, those toenails could have attacked you and left little half-moon marks all over your body. Buffy : I'm cookie dough. I'm not done baking yet. I'm not finished becoming who ever the hell it is I'm supposed to be. I make it through this, and the next thing, and the next thing, and one day, I'll turn around and realize, I'm ready. I'm cookies. And then if I want someone to eat m-er, to enjoy warm, delicious cookie me, then that's fine. That'll be then. When I'm done. Angel : Any thoughts on who might enjoy- do I have to go with the cookie analogy? Buffy : I don't really think that far ahead. That's kind of the point. Angel : I'll start working on that second front. Make sure I don't have to use it. [starts to leave] Buffy : Angel. I do. Sometimes, think that far ahead. Angel : Sometimes is something. Buffy : It'd be a long time coming. Years, if ever. Angel : I ain't getting any older. Angel : Buffy, careful with this gift. Lots of things that seem strong and good and powerful, they can be painful. Buffy : Like, say, immortality? Angel : Exactly. I'm dying to get rid of that. Buffy : Funny. Angel : I'm a funny guy. Buffy : Tonight sucks. And, and look at me. Look at, look at stupid Buffy. Too dumb for college, and, and, and freak Buffy, too strong for construction work. And, and my job at the magic shop? I was bored to tears even before the hour that wouldn't end. And the only person I can even stand to be around is a... neutered vampire who cheats at kitten poker. Rupert Giles : Who are you? Kendra : I am the slayer. Buffy : We got that part honey. He means your name. Kendra : My name is Kendra. I have no last name. Buffy : Can we say stuck in the eighties? [After finding Spike outside her house] Buffy : What are you doing here, Spike? Five words or less. Spike : [counting on fingers] Out... for... a... walk... bitch. Oz : We survived Buffy : It was a hell of a battle. Oz : Not the battle. High School. Dawn : What are you doing? Buffy : My boyfriend. [Spike opens the door for Buffy] Buffy : What are you doing? Spike : I... I... was... I wasn't thinking. Buffy : What is this? Spike : Oh, don't get your knickers twisted, I was... Buffy : What is this? The late-night stakeout, the bogus suspects, the flask. Is this a date? Spike : A d- please. A date. You are completely off your bird. I mean- Do you want it to be? Buffy : Oh my God. [After Xander is released from Dracula's thrall] Xander : That's it. I'm tired of always being the one eating insects and getting the funny syphillis. From now on, I'm not going to be anyone's butt-monkey. Buffy : Okay, no more butt-monkey. Buffy : You sound like Mr. Initiative. "Demons bad, people good." Riley Finn : Something wrong with that theorem? Buffy : Every time you show up like this, you risk all your parts, you know that? Spike : I wouldn't be here if I didn't have a good reason. As usual, I'm here to help you and I... are you naked under there? Buffy : Get out. Spike : No, I'm serious. I mean, not about the naked part... Buffy : When the apocalypse comes... beep me. Xander : All right, where is he? Where's the creep who turned me into a spider-eating man-bitch? Buffy : He's gone. Xander : Dammit. You know what? I'm sick of this. I'm tired of being the guy who eats insects and gets the funny syphilis. As of this moment, it's over. I'm through being everybody's butt-monkey. Buffy : Check. No more butt-monkey. Willow : 'Have a nice summer', 'Have a nice summer'. This girl had no friends of all. Giles : Once again I teeter at the precipice of the generation gap. Buffy : 'Have a nice summer' is what you write when you have nothing to say. Xander : It's the kiss of death. Xander : Y'know, this might go a lot faster if you femmes actually picked up a shovel, too. Giles : Here, here. Buffy : Sorry, but I'm an old-fashioned gal. I was raised to believe that men dig up the corpses and the women have the babies. [how to stop Der Kindestod] Buffy : Thought I might try violence. Buffy : Giles, are you sure about this? Giles : Why wouldn't I be? Buffy : Well, aside from the fact that most magic shop owners in Sunnydale have the life expectancy of a Spinal Tap drummer, have you ever run a store before? Buffy : This'll probably go faster if we split up. Lily : Okay. Can I come with you? Buffy : Okay, where did I lose you on the whole splitting up thing? [Buffy and Spike are engaged after a spell goes wrong] Buffy : Spike and I are getting married. Xander : How? What? How? Giles : Three excellent questions. Buffy : Mr. Flutie... Principal Flutie : All the pupils here are free to call me Bob. Buffy : Bob... Principal Flutie : But they don't Buffy : I'm rash and impulsive. It's a flaw. Buffy : Impulsive? Do you remember my ex-boyfriend, the vampire? I slept with him, he lost his soul, now my boyfriend's gone forever, and the demon that wears his face is killing my friends. The next impulsive decision I make will involve my choice of dentures. Willow : Okay, the Angel thing went badly, I'm on board with that, but that's not your fault. And anyways, love isn't always like that. Love can be... nice. Buffy : . .And my God could you have a dorkier outfit? Buffy : This is not the mother ship people. This ugly dead come to play. Buffy : It'd be simpler if I could just hate him. I think he wanted me to. I think it made it easier for him to be the villain of the piece. Really he was just scared. Giles : Yes, I suppose he was. Buffy : Nothing's ever simple anymore. I'm constantly trying to work it out. Who to love or hate. Who to trust. It's just, like, the more I know, the more confused I get. Giles : I believe that's called growing up. Buffy : I'd like to stop then, okay? Buffy : Why are you standing in my room hugging Mr. Gordo? Angel : Mr. Gordo? Buffy : The pig. Buffy : Color me stunned. Buffy : Giles, what gives? You're stuck in pace mode . . .That's okay, have a cow. Buffy : I have no time to shop, yet my hair and fingernails continue to grow. So, what's the diff? Buffy : Get with the program Giles. I'm a teen, I'm not yet mature. Buffy : Note to self - religion = freaky. Buffy : Thanks for the wake up call, but I think I'll stick to my clock radio. Buffy : Could ya stop with the slayer stuff? I am the damn slayer. Kendra : Wiggy? Buffy : Yeah, wiggy. Ya know-no kicko, no fighto. Buffy : Back off pink ranger. Giles : Buffy, you technically were dead. Buffy : I was only gone for a minute. Giles : That's why Kendra is here. You were dead. Buffy : Would you stop saying that? I was only dead for a little while. Kendra : We have to go back to your Watcher to get orders. Buffy : I don't take orders. I do things my way. Kendra : No wonder you died. Buffy : Let's go. Buffy : Ooh, good plan. Let's go, charge. Not quite, John Wayne. Willow : There's a Slayer handbook? Buffy : Wait. Handbook? What handbook? How come I don't have a handbook? Willow : Is there a T-shirt, too? 'Cause that would be cool... Giles : Is everything okay? Buffy : It's okay, Kendra killed the bad lamp. Buffy : Xander, what's with you and bug people? Buffy : My emotions give me power. They're total assets. Kendra : I would've wiped the floor with you. Buffy : I woulda kicked your butt in the end. No imagination. Kendra : You tink he might help us? Buffy : I tink we might make him. Kendra : Tanks for the shirt. Buffy : Well, it looks better on . . .me, but no worries. Kendra : It's not a job. It's something that you have to do. Buffy : That's good. Let me guess, the handbook? Kendra : No, you taught me that. Buffy : Well, goodbye. Kendra : I don't do hugs. Buffy : Yeah right, hate hugs. Buffy : My mom's been totally weird since he came around. Willow : Weird, like happy? Buffy : Weird, like Stepford. Spike : What, your Mom doesn't know? Joyce Summers : Know what? Buffy : That I'm. . .I'm. . .in a band... withum um, Spike here. Spike : Yeah, she plays the. . .triangle. Buffy : The drums. Spike : She's hell on the old skins you know. Buffy : And you're sure this isn't a fan boy thing? Cause I've fought more than a couple pimply overweight vamps that called themselves Lestat. Dracula : Do you know why you cannot resist? Buffy : 'Cause you're famous? Buffy : Was it sudden? Tara Maclay : What? Buffy : Your mother... Tara Maclay : No. And yes. It's always sudden. Spike : I love you. Buffy : Oh my god. Spike : No, look at me. I... love you. You're all I bloody think about. Dream about. You're in my gut... my throat... I'm drowning in you, Summers, I'm drowning in you. Buffy : Spike, you're a killer. And I should've done this years ago. Spike : You know what? Do it. Bloody just do it. Buffy : What? Spike : End... my... torment. Seeing you, every day, everywhere I go, every time I turn around. Take me... out of a world... that has you in it. Just kill me." Spike : Come on. I can feel it, Slayer. You know you want to dance. Buffy : Say it's true. Say I do want to. It wouldn't be you, Spike. It would never be you. You're beneath me. Buffy : Go ahead, Giles. Do it. Tell me to kill my sister. Buffy : Oz. hi. I seem to be having a slight case of nudity here. Oz : but your not a rat so call it an upside. Buffy : This is how many apocalypses for us now? Giles : Oh, uh, six at least. Feels like a hundred. Buffy : I've always beaten them. Always won. Giles : Yes. Buffy : I sacrificed Angel to save the world. I loved him so much. But I knew, what was right. I don't have that anymore. I don't understand. I don't know how to live in this world, if these are the choices. If everything just gets stripped away. I don't see the point. I just wish- I just wish my mom was here. [gets up] Buffy : The spirit guide told me, that death is my gift. I guess that means that a Slayer really is just a killer after all. Giles : I believe you're that. Buffy : It doesn't matter. If Dawn dies, I'm quitting. [After slaying a vampire in an alley] Buffy : It's been a long time since I killed one that doesn't know me. Buffy : How was school today? Dawn |
