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 William H. Macy Quotation"Nobody became an actor because he had a good childhood." "When you do something well, they'll ask you to do it again. Early on, I must have done this [playing losers] well and the reputation was out there. It's strange because in my life, I don't feel like a loser. Far from it. I feel lucky." Movie Title: Door to Door (2002) as Bill Porter: Joey Wallace : I guess this is where I'm supposed to plant my foot, try to keep you from closing the door on me. Bill Porter : No, don't do that, that never works. I have to go. [Bill shuts the door on Joey] Bill Porter : God created us all, Shelly. He doesn't make mistakes. Movie Title: A Slight Case of Murder (1999) as Terry Thorpe: Terry Thorpe : If you're going to commit a murder -- and I don't recommend it -- one thing you should definitely not do is sleep with the investigating officer's wife. It just makes for a lot of unnecessary complications. Movie Title: Wag the Dog (1997) as CIA Agent Mr. Young: CIA Agent Mr. Young : There are two things I know to be true. There's no difference between good flan and bad flan, and there is no war." Movie Title: Homicide (1991) as Tim Sullivan: Tim Sullivan : Hey, you got some... you got some heavy troubles on your mind? Huh, babe? We'll work it out. We'll play some cops and robbers. We'll bust this big criminal. We'll swagger around. Tim Sullivan : The FBI couldn't find Joe Frazier in a bowl of rice. Tim Sullivan : If he had any self respect, he'd work for a living. Tim Sullivan : Bob, I'm gonna tell you what the old whore said, and this is the truest thing I know: "When you start cumming with the customers, it's time to quit." Movie Title: Happy, Texas (1999) as Sheriff Chappy Dent: Sheriff Chappy Dent : I guess like, like everybody I'm scared of bein', you know, rejected. Harry Sawyer : There's no way, man. You're a real catch, you're a man's man, a nice guy. You've got your health. And everybody knows what a turn-on that uniform is. Sheriff Chappy Dent : That's what life's for, isn't it? Finding out? Movie Title: State and Main (2000) as Walt Price: Walt Price : It's not a lie. It's a gift for fiction. Walt Price : Who designed these costumes? It looks like Edith Head puked, and that puke designed these costumes. Walt Price : It's not a lie; it's a gift for fiction. Bob Barrenger : I know my lines. Walt Price : You do? Bob Barrenger : I just don't know what order they come in. Walt Price : This is what my people died for... the right to make a movie in this town. Walt Price : What does he like? Assistant: 14-year-old girls. Walt Price : Well, get him something else. We want to get out of this town alive. Get him half a 28-year-old girl. Walt Price : Get him some... maple syrup. Tommy Max : Maple Syrup? Walt Price : Yes, maple syrup. It grows on trees. Walt Price : And we're going to sue you for a billion dollars. Joe White : What cause? Walt Price : I don't need a cause, I just need a lawyer! Marty Rossen : And how are you getting along with these fine people? Walt Price : Like dykes and dogs! [Marty eats a piece of bread.] Marty Rossen : Mm, this is good. Have you tried it? Walt Price : Oh, like I'm really going to eat carbohydrates. Walt Price : What does that woman WANT from life? Marty Rossen : She wants $800,000 to show her tits. Tommy Max : My wife is going to have a baby. Walt Price : Oh, good, let's bring more people into this overcrowded world. Walt Price : Hey, did you see the grosses for Gandhi 2? Walt Price : How are we coming with the dead horse scene? Marty Rossen : You can't actually kill the horse. Walt Price : Aw, fuck me! Production Assistant: Your wife's on the phone. Walt Price : I have no wife! Walt Price : Marty, we got a new town. It's uh... Where are we? Bill Smith : Waterford, Vermont. Walt Price : Waterford, Vermont. Where is it? THAT'S where it is. Tommy Max : I'm very sorry, I- Walt Price : You're very sorry, you passive aggressive, son-of-a-bitch... can we replace him? Walt Price : What's in the bag? Marty Rossen : My undies, cause, you can't get this film off on time I'm gonna wet myself. Tommy Max : My wife is having a baby... [Walt stares at him irritated] Walt Price : Thank you for keeping me current. Movie Title: That Moment: Magnolia Diary October 1998 - March 2000 (2000) as Himself: Himself : Can I ask you what you thought of the script when you firstread it? Himself : I thought it was astounding. I went to Paul and I said "It's great, it's great, it's a little long... " and he goes "You fuckin' cocksucker! I'm not gonna cut one god damn word out of this thing! "So then I talked to Julianne and I said "What did you think about the script?" and she said "It's amazing. It's a little long." I said "Did you tell Paul that?" and she said "Yeah." I said "What did he say?" She said "You fuckin' cocksucker! I'm not gonna cut one word out of it!" [After Paul Thomas Anderson said he edited the trailer and designed the poster for the film Magnolia] Himself : You know he develloped the film too. He sent it to a lab but he just didn't like the work they were doing, so he set up a lab in his bathroom and he develloped the film. Himself : It's got that homemade look to it. Himself : He ground the lenses that we used in this film. Movie Title: Seabiscuit (2003) as Tick Tock McGlaughlin: Tick Tock McGlaughlin : $100,000? Makes me wanna walk on all fours and put a saddle on my back. Tick Tock McGlaughlin : One comeback I can take, but two? Who's next? Lazarus? Tick Tock McGlaughlin : No more match races for this little horse because frankly they're all out of matches. Who's he gonna race? Pegasus? I pity these horses. Movie Title: Magnolia (1999) as Quiz Kid Donnie Smith: Quiz Kid Donnie Smith : I'm sick. Thurston Howell : Stay that way. Quiz Kid Donnie Smith : No, it is not dangerous to confuse children with angels. Quiz Kid Donnie Smith : I really do have love to give; I just don't know where to put it. Quiz Kid Donnie Smith : I used to be smart, but now I'm just stupid. Quiz Kid Donnie Smith : What the fuck am I doing? Quiz Kid Donnie Smith : I love you, Brad - Brad the bartender. You wanna love me back? I'll be good to you. Quiz Kid Donnie Smith : I'm sick and I'm in love. Thurston Howell : You seem the sort of person who confuses the two. Quiz Kid Donnie Smith : That's right. That's the first time you've been right. I confuse the two and I don't care. Quiz Kid Donnie Smith : I need braces. Quiz Kid Donnie Smith : Have you ever been struck by lightning? It hurts. Movie Title: The Cooler (2003) as Bernie: [Natalie sees herself in the rearview mirror] Natalie : Oh my God. Bernie : Hey. You look in the mirror, you don't like what you see, don't believe it. Bernie : Look in my eyes, I am the only mirror you're ever gonna need. Bernie : You look in my eyes, Natalie. Bernie : Better luck next time. Movie Title: Welcome to Collinwood (2002) as Riley: Riley : How am I meant to go bowling with a fucking broken arm? Pero : As you can see, he's a little upset. [after seeing a removal van going in to the apartment next to the house they're going to rob, Riley and Pero are like] Pero : What the... What the f... What the fuck is this? What the fuck is this, man? Riley : Fuck, fuck, fuck! Pero : What the fuck is this? Movie Title: Mr. Holland's Opus (1995) as Vice Principal Gene Wolters / Vice Principal Wolters: Glenn Holland : Well, congratulations, Gene. You've been looking for a way to get rid of me for 30 years, and they finally gave you an excuse. Vice Principal Wolters : You know, I'm not as popular as you. I'm not anybody's favorite anything. Glenn Holland : That's because you're the enemy, Gene. You just don't know it. Vice Principal Wolters : Have you been to any of the football games this season, Mr. Holland? Glenn Holland : I can't say that I have, no. Vice Principal Wolters : Well, Mrs. Jacobs and I feel that there's something missing. Glenn Holland : Touchdowns? Vice Principal Wolters : I care about these kids just as much as you do. And if I'm forced to choose between Mozart and reading and writing and long division, I choose long division. Glenn Holland : Well, I guess you can cut the arts as much as you want, Gene. Sooner or later, these kids aren't going to have anything to read or write about. Vice Principal Gene Wolters : Rock 'n' roll by its very nature leads to a breakdown in discipline. Movie Title: Pleasantville (1998) as George Parker: George Parker : Where's my dinner? Big Bob : Everybody really likes you, George. George Parker : Oh. Well... Big Bob : No! They do! And it's not just 'cause you're a good bowler. It's 'cause people respect you! George Parker : Honey! I'm home. George Parker : You know, your mom went out. David : Went out? George Parker : Yeah David : When? George Parker : Three days ago David : People change. George Parker : People change? David : Yeah George Parker : Can they change back? David : I don't know. I think it's harder George Parker : So what's going to happen now? Betty Parker : I don't know. Do you know what's going to happen now? George Parker : No [laughing] George Parker : ... I don't! Bill Johnson : I guess I don't either. Movie Title: Spartan (2004) as Stoddard: Stoddard : We would have let her go, but you had to put on your thinking cap. Movie Title: Ghosts of Mississippi (1996) as Charlie Crisco: [about Medgar Evers' widow pursuing the murder case for decades] Bobby DeLaughter : I think about her keeping this thing alive all this time. Imagine a woman loving a man so much. Charlie Crisco : Hell, I can't even get a woman to love me while I'm still alive. Movie Title: Down Periscope (1996) as Captain Carl Knox: Lt. Comd. Dodge : Oh gee, now I've done it, ruined my career. Captain Carl Knox : [reading a radio message] Apparently not. This is just in from COMSUBLANT. You're to report to Norfolk immediately... to take command of your own submarine. Lt. Comd. Dodge : That's not funny. Captain Carl Knox : No, it's not. That's why they decoded it twice. [Buckman has just let go a huge fart] Captain Carl Knox : You hear something? Orlando Sonarman : Yeah. Sounded like... an explosion. Movie Title: Sports Night (1998) as Sam / Sam Donovan: Sam Donovan : Do you guys know who Philo Farnsworth was? J.J. : Philo Farnsworth? Sam Donovan : Yeah. J.J. : What's going on? Sam Donovan : He invented television. I don't mean he invented television like Uncle Milty, I mean he invented the television. [pause] Sam Donovan : In a little house in Provo, Utah. At a time when the idea of transmitting moving pictures through the air would be like me saying I've figured out a way to beam us aboard the Starship Enterprise. J.J. : Yeah, look... Sam Donovan : He was a visionary and he died broke and without fanfare. The guy I really like though was his brother-in-law, Cliff Gardner. He said to Philo, "I know everyone thinks you're crazy, but I want to be a part of this. I don't have your head for science, so I'm not gonna be much help with the design and mechanics of the invention. But it sounds like in order to do your testing, you're gonna need glass tubes." Billie Tasker : J.J., I don't think there's really ... Sam Donovan : See Philo was inventing a cathode receptor, and even though Cliff didn't know what that meant or how it worked, he'd seen Philo's drawing and he knew they were gonna need glass tubes and since television hadn't been invented yet, it's not like you could get 'em at the local TV repair shop. "I want to be a part of this", Cliff said, "and I don't have your head for science. How would it be if I taught myself to be a glassblower? And I could set up a little shop in the backyard. And I could make all the tubes you'll need for testing." [pause] Sam Donovan : There oughta be Congressional medals for people like that. Ray Mitchel : Maybe so... Sam Donovan : I've looked over the notes you've been giving over the last year or so, and I have to say that they exhibit an almost total lack of understanding of how to get the best from talented people. Billie Tasker : Excuse me, but ... Sam Donovan : You said before that for whatever reason, I seem to be able to exert authority around here. I assure you, it isn't because they like me. It's because they knew two minutes after I walked in the door that I'm somebody who knows how to do something. I can help. I can make glass tubes. That's what they need. One last thing: The first and last decision making authority on this show will rest with Isaac Jaffee until Isaac Jaffee says otherwise. And if you disrespect him again in my presence, I'll re-dedicate the rest of my life to ruining the rest of yours. If you think I'm just mouthin' at you, ask around about me, I have absolutely no conscience about these things. J.J. : Sam, why did you bring us out her? Sam Donovan : 'Cause the exit's right there. That's all. The meeting's over. Sally Sasser : Sam? Sam : Susie. Sally Sasser : Sally. Sam : Okay. Sally Sasser : This meeting's not going that well is it? Sam : No. The good news is an hour from now I'm not going to remember who you are. Dana Whitaker : I'm looking for ways to kill you now. Sam Donovan : Dana, I've been through alcohol, marriage, and network television. If you want to kill me, you're gonna need kryptonite. Sam Donovan : You shouldn't think that just because I'm looking at you while you're talking to me, that I'm necessarily listening to or caring about what you're saying. It's just something I do to be polite. Sam : The world's not really like that. It's a much more interesting place than that. Dana Whitaker : Than what? Sam : Black and white. Movie Title: ER (1994) as Dr. David Morgenstern: Dr. David Morgenstern : I don't mind telling you that sometimes I feel like a sheriff without a posse, a general with no grunts in the field, a shepherd with no sheepdog, everywhere you look, sheep, sheep, sheep. Dr. David Morgenstern : [instructing Carter] Dr. Benton is one of the best residents we have, you learn everything you can from him - except attitude. [walks away] Dr. Peter Benton : He didn't mean that. Dr. David Morgenstern : [from next room] Yes he did! Movie Title: Jurassic Park III (2001) as Paul Kirby / Paul: Paul : So what do we do ? Udesky : Look for your son... but in the direction they're going. [a loud roar rocks the jungle] Paul Kirby : What was that? Billy Brennan : That's a Tyrannosaurus. Dr. Grant : I don't think so. It sounds bigger. Billy Brennan : So Mr. Kirby when you climbed K2 did you base camp at twenty-five or thirty-thousand feet? Paul Kirby : Thirty-thousand feet, we were pretty close to the top. Billy Brennan : You were about a thousand feet above actually. Movie Title: Mystery Men (1999) as The Shoveller: The Shoveller : We've got a blind date with Destiny - and it looks like she's ordered the lobster. The Shoveller : We're not your classic heros. We're the other guys. The Shoveller : God's given me a gift. I shovel well. I shove very well. The Shoveller : We fight crime. Call it what you will. [Commenting On The Disco Boy's arsenal] Mr. Furious : What? Guns? That's your power, you shoot guns? The Blue Raja : There's no theme at all here. Mr. Furious : Weak. The Blue Raja : At best. [They high-five each other] Mr. Furious : See, you've got a chain, I would at least make it a gold chain. [A Disco Boy wields a pipe] The Shoveller : And who are you, the Disco Plumber? [the heroes talk about hero recruits] The Blue Raja : Well, there's The Sphinx. Mr. Furious : Who? The Blue Raja : The Sphinx. The Shoveller : Yeah, I've heard of this guy. He's a big crime-fighter down south. Mr. Furious : What's his power? The Blue Raja : Well, he's terribly mysterious. Mr. Furious : That's his power, he's mysterious? The Blue Raja : He's TERRIBLY mysterious, actually. The Shoveller : Yeah, plus he can cut guns in half with his mind. The Shoveller : We struck down evil with the mighty sword of teamwork and the hammer of not bickering. Mr. Furious : We're an elite cadr-cadrey... The Bowler : Cadre. The Shoveller : You're in. Lucille : If just one person vomits in my pool, I'm divorcing you. The Shoveller : That's fair. The Shoveller : If we had a billionaire like Lance Hunt as our benefactor... Mr. Furious : That's because Lance Hunt *IS* Captain Amazing The Shoveller : Don't start that *again*. Lance Hunt wears glasses. Captain Amazing *doesn't* wear glasses. Mr. Furious : He takes them off when he transforms. The Shoveller : That doesn't make any sense, he wouldn't be able to see. The Shoveller : So what do you say? Do we all gather together, and go kick some Casanova butt? Or do I eat this sandwich? The Shoveller : Watch it, Spleen, you're going to kill someone with that thing! Dr. Heller : Oh, no, no, no. All these weapons are completely non-lethal. The Bowler : Wow. How wonderfully eccentric while at the same time being a complete waste of our time. Good day, sir. I say good day. Movie Title: Fargo (1996) as Jerry Lundegaard: Jerry Lundegaard : Now we had a deal. A deal's a deal. Carl Showalter : Is it, Jerry? Why don't you ask those three poor souls in Brainerd if a deal's a deal. Go ahead, ask them! Jerry Lundegaard : The heck do ya mean? Carl Showalter : [mimicking] "The heckya mean?" Carl Showalter : What kind of trouble are you in, Jerry? Jerry Lundegaard : Well, that's, that's, I'm not gonna go inta, inta - see, I just need money. Jerry Lundegaard : Well, heck, if you wanna play games here! I'm workin' with ya on this thing, but I... Okay, I'll do a damned lot count! Marge Gunderson : Sir? Right now? Jerry Lundegaard : Sure right now! You're darned tootin'! Carl Showalter : I'm not gonna debate you, Jerry. Jerry Lundegaard : Okay. Carl Showalter : I'm not gonna sit here and debate. Marge Gunderson : Well I'm sorry sir! Jerry Lundegaard : [storming off to do a lot count] Aw, what the Christ! Movie Title: Boogie Nights (1997) as Little Bill: [Little Bill walks in on his wife having sex with someone] Little Bill : What the fuck do you think you're doing? Little Bill's wife : What the fuck does it look like I'm doing? Little Bill : My wife has an ass in her cock in the driveway, all right. I'm sorry if my thoughts are not on the photography of the film we're shooting tomorrow. [Little Bill discovers his wife having sex for a group of spectators] Little Bill : What the fuck are you doing? Little Bill's wife : Go away Bill, you're embarrassing me. |
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