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 Ben Stiller QuotationOn advice he receives from his father Jerry Stiller: "My father is always telling me to take care of myself and get a lot of rest. He's always saying, "Sleep will fix anything. Go take a nap." I think he's right. I find when I get frazzled, if I get a good night's sleep, I feel much better about things." "If my parents were like, plumbers, who knows what I would be doing?" "There's an old saying in Hollywood: It's not the length of your film, it's how you use it." "I have no problem with straight actors playing gay, but I always feel like I can tell. Does that sound horrible?" [on working with Stiller on "Friends" and _Captured (2003)_ :] "He graced us. And again, couldn't get through a take. The whole cast, it's impossible to get through a take with Ben there." [NBC News interview, January 30, 2003] Movie Title: Zero Effect (1998) as Steve Arlo: Gregory Stark : Is this your kid? Steve Arlo : Nope. Just a rental. [On the phone with Zero] Steve Arlo : Are you telling me you can speak six languages and fly a jetliner but you don't know how to file a tax return?... It's never come up?... Does this have to happen right now?... No, that's a "W-2." "WW2" was the Second World War. Steve Arlo : There aren't evil guys and innocent guys. It's just... It's just... It's just a bunch of guys. Daryl Zero : I did find one other thing of interest, though. Steve Arlo : Holy shit, those are the keys. You found the gold Swiss Army knife. Daryl Zero : I know. Steve Arlo : And this is the safe deposit box key. Where'd you find them? Daryl Zero : They were in the sofa, under the cushion. Steve Arlo : What? Daryl Zero : They were stuck in the couch in his office. Steve Arlo : Was he hiding them there? Is that possible? Daryl Zero : Not possible. That's where they fell out of his pocket, over a year ago. Steve Arlo : So... what do you make of this? Daryl Zero : I think that just as I feared, Ms. Sullivan doesn't know a thing about these keys. Steve Arlo : Wait--the keys are a coincidence? Daryl Zero : Yes. Steve Arlo : That's--confusing. Daryl Zero : Yep. Steve Arlo : Doesn't seem like a good thing. Daryl Zero : Sure it is. It's good because the man has been looking for his keys for a *year*. And I've found them. Daryl Zero : I've been awak for three days. Three... Just love those amphetamines. Got to love them. Got to. Steve Arlo : Sounds healthy. Daryl Zero : It's good for my skin. You know if you do enough of that stuff over a very short period of time, you get, like, these canker sores on your tongue. Steve Arlo : I'll shoot you. Really, I will. I have a gun and everything. Steve Arlo : He can tell you where you were born, how old your mother was at the time, and what you had for breakfast, all within 30 seconds of meeting you. Steve Arlo : [talking about his employer, Daryl Zero] I'm telling you he never even leaves the house, okay. I mean he's like some sort of recluse. A complete freak. No social life. In fact, no social skills. It's a strange fucking thing. When he's working, the smoothest operator you've ever seen. Brave, slick, cunning, he can do anything. Soon as he gets off work, it's all gone. Afraid to go to the dry cleaners. Literally. Too uncomfortable in his own skin to go out and eat. Tactless and inept. Rude too. Just an asshole. Steve Arlo : I don't think he's ever kissed a girl. He's like 30-something years old. Steve Arlo : Why are we talking on the phone? Daryl Zero : I told you. We can't be too careful. Two guys in an airport... talking? It's a little fishy. Steve Arlo : Maybe you should stop snorting that shit. Daryl Zero : Keeps my teeth sharp. Steve Arlo : $5 million, so you can kill someone right away instead of a day later. Gregory Stark : No, no. For $5 million, you do it. Movie Title: Empire of the Sun (1987) as Dainty: Dainty : You want a Hershey Bar kid? Jim : Yeah. Dainty : So do I, you got one? Dainty : What else you betting with Baise? Basie : My LIFE. [shows a copy of LIFE magazine] Movie Title: There's Something About Mary (1998) as Ted: [After Mary addresses Ted by name.] Ted : I couldn't believe that she knew my name. Some of my best friends didn't know my name. [After Mary asks Ted to the prom.] Ted : [narrating] From that point on, the guys looked at me in a completely different light. Ted's friend : You're a fuckin' liar! Ted : What about Brett Fav... ruh? Ted : Do you think maybe you wanna maybe, I don't know, go out to dinner, you know, catch up on old times? Mary : Didn't we just do that? Ted : Oh, uh... Mary : I'm fucking with you, Ted! Pat Healy : What, you think yer shit don't stink? Ted : No, I don't think, I mean, yes it does, no I don't... Hitchhiker : You heard of this thing, the 8-Minute Abs? Ted : Yeah, sure, 8-Minute Abs. Yeah, the excercise video. Hitchhiker : Yeah, this is going to blow that right out of the water. Listen to this: 7... Minute... Abs. Ted : Right. Yes. OK, alright. I see where you're going. Hitchhiker : Think about it. You walk into a video store, you see 8-Minute Abs sittin' there, there's 7-Minute Abs right beside it. Which one are you gonna pick, man? Ted : I would go for the 7. Hitchhiker : Bingo, man, bingo. 7-Minute Abs. And we guarantee just as good a workout as the 8-minute folk. Ted : You guarantee it? That's -- how do you do that? Hitchhiker : If you're not happy with the first 7 minutes, we're gonna send you the extra minute free. You see? That's it. That's our motto. That's where we're comin' from. That's from "A" to "B". Ted : That's right. That's -- that's good. That's good. Unless, of course, somebody comes up with 6-Minute Abs. Then you're in trouble, huh? [Hitchhiker convulses] Hitchhiker : No! No, no, not 6! I said 7. Nobody's comin' up with 6. Who works out in 6 minutes? You won't even get your heart goin, not even a mouse on a wheel. Ted : That -- good point. Hitchhiker : 7's the key number here. Think about it. 7-Elevens. 7 doors. 7, man, that's the number. 7 chipmunks twirlin' on a branch, eatin' lots of sunflowers on my uncle's ranch. You know that old children's tale from the sea. It's like you're dreamin' about Gorgonzola cheese when it's clearly Brie time, baby. Step into my office. Ted : Why? Hitchhiker : 'Cause you're fuckin' fired! Ted : I think I still want to look her up. Pat Healy : Who, rollerpig? Are you nuts? Ted : You said she was a real sparkplug. Pat Healy : No, I said buttplug. She's heinous. Ted : Japan? What's she doing in Japan? Pat Healy : Well, you've heard of mail-order brides? Well, they go that way too. Ted : What, are they desperate? She's a whale! Pat Healy : You can't forget, it's a sumo culture, Ted. They pay by the pound over there. Sorta like, um, tuna. [When Ted gets his genitals stuck in the zippers] Charlie Jensen : Is it the frank or the beans? Ted : I don't know, both I guess. Warren : [from outside] Franks and Beans! Franks and Beans! Mary : Did you mean what you said up there? Ted : Well ya I just want you to be happy Mary. Mary : But I'd be happiest with you. Ted : What about Bret Fahvera...? Mary : What did I tell you the first time we met? I'm a Niners fan! Mary : Hey, you want to go upstairs and watch SportsCenter? Ted : No, I think I'm just going to quit while I'm ahead. Mary : You're not that far ahead, Ted. Ted : He never even looked her up down there! He was down there closing his deal with the Rice-a-Roni people the whole time! Ted : So you're moving down to Miami? Pat Healy : I accepted a job offer. Ted : With who? Pat Healy : With... uh... Rice-a-Roni. Ted : Isn't that the San Francisco treat? Pat Healy : It *was*. They're changing their image. Movie Title: The Ben Stiller Show (1992) as Ben Stiller / Tony Bobbins / Daniel Day Lewis / Jonsie / William Shatner / Yakov Smirnoff / Bruce Willis: Yakov Smirnoff : What a Crazy Independent Nation of Union of Socialist Republics that are together in a Federation of Craziness that is all free. [extremely forced laugh] Yakov Smirnoff : I love this country. Yakov Smirnoff : What will the New World Order bring for Yakov? [curls into a ball on the floor] William Shatner : Look at us. Is this what you want? You've... pitted us against each other... like animals in a cage. For what? A silly late night talk show? Do you know what it is to feel... to... Love? Ben Stiller : Today, um, my girlfriend left me for... Stephen Stupidhead Baldwin. Jonsie : [singing to the tune of Nirvana's 'Lithium'] I'm so dizzy, skateboard into gabage cans. Slugging down caffeine, eating veggies, haven't slept in a week and a half. Blah blah blah bl-blah. Blah blah blah bl-blah. Daniel Day Lewis : You know, the Mohicans may have been last in the race to survive, but they were number one when it came to cross-training. Daniel Day Lewis : Warning. If something goes wrong with the treadmill, stay on. Do not get off. I will come, no matter what occurs. I will fix it. Police Officer in Charge : You just destroyed an entire deli section, mister. Bruce Willis : What do you think I'm doing here, comparison shopping, huh? Bruce Willis : Scum check, aisle six. Head Terrorist : Your coincidental appearance at every terrorist attack on Christmas Eve grows tiresome, Mister BAD BOY. Bruce Willis : Yabba dabba doo, dabba dooby dabba dooby dabba. Head Terrorist : Shut UP. Bruce Willis : How can the same thing happen to the same guy so many times? David Cassidy : Tony Bobbins, are you the devil? Tony Bobbins : I am not evil, I am not the devil! Movie Title: Flirting with Disaster (1996) as Mel: Mel : I don't think you know me well enough to call me 'Nuerotic Guy'. Nancy : No thanks, I'm not hungry. Mel : Come on, Nance, you're always hungry. Mel : Oh, so I'm 'Neurotic Guy', is that my designation? Movie Title: Heavyweights (1995) as Tony Perkis: Tony Perkis : Repulse the monkey... part the wild horse's mane. Tony Perkis : First we're going to take an hour meditation break. Then we're going to climb that 1000-foot rock face over there with our bare hands and feet. I know you can do it, I have faith in you. But for now, observe the silence of the chi. Tony Perkis : Attention, campers. Lunch has been cancelled today due to lack of hustle. Deal with it. Gerry : [writing a letter] Dear Grandma... someone once said, "War is hell." They've never been to fat camp. I knew the food would be bad... [shows a revolting-looking lunch being passed out] Gerry : ... but even worse... [shows Lars stabbing the Blob with a spear] Gerry : ... today he killed the Blob. Gerry : [goes to the go-kart track, closed and with people putting the karts in a pile] As for the go-karts, well... may they rest in pieces. I'm writing you because nobody else seemed to care. Maury Garner : [on the phone] I did not send you to 'go-kart' camp! Tony Perkis : [on the PA] Attention campers, lunch has been cancelled today, due to lack of hustle. Deal with it... Gerry : Tony Perkis tries to lead by example... Tony Perkis : [shows Tony on a bed of nails, and two guys placing an ice block on his stomach] This is the 18th level of the PerkiSystem. You'll all be doing this by Labor Day! All right, do it to it, Lars! Lars : [standing by with a large hammer at the block] It's my honor, Tony. [Lars breaks the ice block while the campers freak out. Tony is unharmed] Gerry : ...but we're afraid to follow. Tony Perkis : [nighttime, the campers are around a large fire along with Tony] I know each and every one of you - because I WAS you! Gerry : Once a day, the kids from Camp MVP, drive by and make fun of us. MVP camper: [shows the MVP counselor and two campers driving by in a motor boat] [Into a megaphone] MVP camper: You STINK! You STINK! You STINK! You STINK! HA ha ha ha ha ha ha! [Gerry and Roy are ducked down in the water] Gerry : At night... [shows some more MVP campers at the dock carrying cans of paint] Gerry : ... they vandalize our camp. [Pat is scrubbing it all off] Gerry : [looks at Josh's empty bed and continues] At least Josh got out... where there's food. We have to resort... to more desperate measures. [Shows the campers chasing cows and shouting] Gerry : Tony's arranged a dance with the girls' camp... so he can humiliate us into losing weight. Pray for me, Grandma. Love, Gerry. Josh : The candy belongs to... Seen-More-Butts. Tony Perkis : Seen-More-Butts? Seen-More-Butts? Who's Seen-More-Butts, hmm? Who's Sen-More-Butts? Josh : Nobody's seen more butts than you, Uncle Tony! Tony Perkis : You picked the wrong man to mess with. Josh : [sarcastically] Oh, I didn't know I was messing with a man! Tony Perkis : No dinner, no lunch, no breakfast! How does that grab you? Hmm? Tony Perkis : Kiss the ground, joker-boy! Josh : Hey, would you get your foot off my back? Tony Perkis : Shut up! Tony Perkis : I know each and every one of you... because I was you! Josh : Forty push-ups? Tony Perkis : No! Sixty! Down! Now! Eighty! One hundred! Tony Perkis : This is the eighteenth level of the Perkis System. You'll all be doing it by Labor Day! Do it to it, Lars! Tony Perkis : Let me make something very clear: The PerkiSystem does not work with cheaters like Gerald Garner. OK? How can I sell an infomercial about fat kids who can't keep their piggy little snouts shut? Hmm? Who's gonna buy that, huh? [Tony chases Josh down a hill and Josh gets a leg cramp] Tony Perkis : Congratulations, you've just joined the 76% of Americans who forget to stretch before doing any physical activity. Movie Title: Orange County (2002) as Firefighter: Lance : It was, it was a total electrical fire, it as like a the switches had sparks comin' out and the sockets an a... it was like the fourth of July man. Firefighter : Why aren't you wearin' your pants Joe? Lance : I tripped and a then I had to take them off to run faster out of the flames Firefighter : What's your name? Lance : Joe... John. Joe-John. Firefighter : Your name's Joe-John? Movie Title: Happy Gilmore (1996) as Nursing Home Orderly: Nursing Home Orderly : Good news, everybody, we're extending arts and crafts time by four hours today. Elderly Woman : My fingers hurt. Nursing Home Orderly : What's that? Elderly Woman : My fingers hurt. Nursing Home Orderly : Oh, well, now your back's gonna hurt, 'cause you just pulled landscaping duty. Anybody else's fingers hurt?... I didn't think so. Grandma : Sir, can I trouble you for a warm glass of milk? It helps me go to sleep. Nursing Home Orderly : You can trouble me for a warm glass of shut-the-hell-up. Now, you will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep. Check out the name tag. You're in my world now, grandma. Movie Title: The Royal Tenenbaums (2001) as Chas: Chas : Can we read it? Richie : No. Chas : Can you paraphrase it for us? Richie : I don't think so. Chas : Is it dark? Richie : Of course it's dark. It's a suicide note. [Chas Tenenbaum and his sons enter his mother's house with several bags] Etheline Tenenbaum : Chas? What's going on? Chas : We got locked out of our apartment. Etheline Tenenbaum : Well, did you call a locksmith? Chas : Uh huh. Etheline Tenenbaum : Well, I don't understand. Did you pack your bags BEFORE you got locked out? Eli : Did I hit the dog? Chas : Yeah. Eli : Is he dead? Chas : Yeah. Movie Title: Along Came Polly (2004) as Reuben Feffer: Polly Prince : You wanna come upstairs and have sex? Reuben Feffer : Huh? Polly Prince : I'm kidding! Reuben Feffer : I know that I have a .013% chance of being hit by a car on my way home. Or a one in 46,000 chance of falling through a subway grate. So I try to manage that risk by avoiding danger and having a plan and knowing what my next move is. And I guess you don't exactly live your life that way. Yeah... which is great, but I'm not gonna ever be a dirty dancer, and I don't eat food with my hands, and I really like you, but I just don't think this is gonna work out. Reuben Feffer : Since we have been together I have felt more uncomfortable, out of place, embarassed, and just physically sick then I have in my entire life. But I could not have gone through that, I could not have thrown up 19 times in 48 days if I was not in love with you. Movie Title: Keeping the Faith (2000) as Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram / Jacob: Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram : Oy. Father Brian Kilkenney Finn : Amen to your oy. Jacob : God was showing off when he made you. [Brian, a celibate priest, confesses his love for Anna, to Jake's astonishment] Jacob : I mean, she's like your sister! Father Brian Kilkenney Finn : Thank you for adding new depth to my confusion. Rachel Rose : Oh my God! The Iraqi defense minister just committed suicide! Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram : Ooh!... Is that bad or good? Father Brian Kilkenney Finn : Is this a good machine? Don : Yeah, that one good. If you a cheap bastard! No, that one OK, but if you serious about CAR-O.K., then there only one machine for you. The Audio 3000! This baby got multiple inputs, dual pitch analyzer, so you can change the pitch, if your voice sucks, but I don' need that. Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram : How much does it cost? Don : PRICE IS NOT IMPORTANT! Father Brian Kilkenney Finn : No, price is very important. How much... does it cost... exactly? Don : OK, OK, you got me, take me away. It's a little bit expensive, but it's worth it. When you sing, to your girlfriend, and her heart WaBOOM, fall down on the floor, you say THANK YOU DON! Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram : Whoa! You're telling me that I was supposed to be sensitive to the fact that a Catholic priest might have a crush on my secret girlfriend? Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram : Jews want their rabbis to be the kind of Jews they don't have the time to be. Father Brian Kilkenney Finn : Yeah, and Catholics want their priests to be the kind of Catholics they don't have the discipline to be. Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram : What happened to our youth? Father Brian Kilkenney Finn : I'm telling you, it ended at 30, pal. Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram : You're in love with her? Father Brian Kilkenney Finn : [to himself] No one seems to have picked up on this. It's very strange. Movie Title: Derek Zoolander University (1997) as Derek Zoolander: Derek Zoolander : Two minutes before runway time and you've got an erection. What do you do? Derek Zoolander : Hi. I'm Derek Zoolander, president and model and founder and dean and CEO of the Derek Zoolander University of Modeling for Men. Derek Zoolander : You've got to have blinders on out there. Like a cow. Derek Zoolander : Nothing means more to me than having one of my former students come up to me and say "Derek, thanks for helping me," or "Derek, thanks for being so helpful," or "Derek, me help you did." Derek Zoolander : Don't be afraid to talk to the pants. Make them your friend. Movie Title: Zoolander (2001) as Derek Zoolander: Derek Zoolander : I'm pretty sure there's a lot more to life than being really, really good looking. And I plan on finding out what that is. Derek Zoolander : Moisture is the essence of wetness, and wetness is the essence of beauty. Derek Zoolander : Have you ever wondered if there was more to life, other than being really, really, ridiculously good looking? Matilda : When I was in 7th grade, I was... the fat kid in my class. Derek Zoolander : Ew! Derek Zoolander : Well, I guess it started during my first year of the second grade, when I was eating lunch and caught my reflection in a spoon, and I thought to myself, 'Hey, Derek, you're ridiculously good looking! And I thought maybe I could do that for a career. Matilda : Do what for a career? Derek Zoolander : Be professionally good looking. Matilda : I became... Hansel : What? Matilda : Bulimic. Derek Zoolander : You can read minds? Derek Zoolander : Why do you hate models, Matilda? Matilda : Honestly? Hansel : Yes. Matilda : I think they're vain, stupid, and incredibly self-centered. Hansel : I totally agree with you. But how do you feel about male models? Derek Zoolander : There was a moment last night, when she was sandwiched between the two Finnish dwarves and the Maori tribesmen, where I thought, "Wow, I could really spend the rest of my life with this woman". VH1 Reporter : Derek, are you worried about Hansel? Derek Zoolander : Uhh, not as much as I'm worried about Gretel. Larry Zoolander : I just thank the Lord she didn't live to see her son as a mermaid. Derek Zoolander : Mer-man! *cough* Mer-man! [Unveiling a building model] Mugatu : I give you, "The Derek Zoolander Center for Kids Who Can't Read Good." [Derek looks at the model for a moment, then throws it on the floor] Derek Zoolander : What is this? A center for ants? How can we be expected to teach children to learn how to read if they can't even fit inside the building? Matilda : I've been trying to reach you for a week. Derek Zoolander : A week? What, are you having a whack attack? I saw you this afternoon, dum-dum. Matilda : That was last Friday. Derek Zoolander : Uhh Earth to Matilda, I was at a day spa. Day, D-A-I-Y-E. Okay? Derek Zoolander : Do you understand that the world does not revolve around you and your do whatever it takes, ruin as many people's lives, so long as you can make a name for yourself as an investigatory journalist, no matter how many friends you lose or people you leave dead and bloodied along the way, just so long so you can make a name for yourself as an investigatory journalist, no matter how many friends you lose or people you leave dead and bloodied and dying along the way? [after being in a coal mine for a day] Derek Zoolander : [high-pitched cough] ... I think I'm getting the Black Lung, Pop. It's not very well ventilated down there. Larry Zoolander : For Christ's sake, Derek, you've been down there one day. Talk to me in thirty years. Derek Zoolander : Rufus, Brint, and Meekus were like brothers to me. And when I say brother, I don't mean, like, an actual brother, but I mean it like the way black people use it. Which is more meaningful I think. Derek Zoolander : If there is anything that this horrible tragedy can teach us, it's that a male model's life is a precious, precious commodity. Just because we have chiseled abs and stunning features, it doesn't mean that we too can't not die in a freak gasoline fight accident. Hansel : You can dere-lick my balls cap-E-tan. Derek Zoolander : I can Dere-lick my own balls. [After Derek saves the prime minister] Matilda : Derek that was unbelievable! Derek Zoolander : I know! I turned left! Matilda : No, you saved the prime minister! Derek Zoolander : Oh, well that's cool too. Derek Zoolander : You think that you're too cool for school, but I have a newsflash for you Walter Cronkite... you aren't. J.P. Prewitt : The truth is male models have been assassinating world leaders for over 200 years. Abe Lincoln wanted to abolish slavery, right? Well, who do you think made the silk stockings and powdered wigs worn by our early leaders? Derek Zoolander : Mugatu! J.P. Prewitt : Slaves Derek. So they hired John Wilkes Booth to do Mr. Lincoln in. The first model/actor! Dallas. 1963. John F. Kennedy. Matilda : Lee Harvey Oswald wasn't a male model. J.P. Prewitt : You're God damn right he wasn't, but the two lookers who capped Kennedy from the Grassy Knoll sure as shit were! Derek Zoolander : Oh, I thought you were going to tell me what a bad eugoogalizor I am. Matilda : What? Derek Zoolander : A eugoogalizor, one who speaks at funerals. Or did you think I'd be too stupid to know what a eugoogoly was? Derek Zoolander : You mean, you haven't . . . Matilda : Done it in a while, yeh. Hansel : Now, what's a while? Like, eight days? Derek Zoolander : Now if you'll excuse me, I have an after-funeral party to attend. Derek Zoolander : Look, I think I know what this is about and I'm complimented but not interested. Matilda : What? Derek Zoolander : I can't sleep with you OK? My head is killing me... Matilda : What are you talking about? Derek Zoolander : OK, if you just want to fool around or... Matilda : WAIT! I don't want to sleep with you! Derek Zoolander : [pointing to the small-scale model of centre] The centre has to be at least... three times bigger than this! Derek Zoolander : God? Maury Ballstein : God? What the shit are you talkin' about. It's me, Maury. Derek Zoolander : I just wanted to make you proud of me, pop. Larry Zoolander : How? With your male modeling? Prancing around in your underwear with your weiner hanging out for everyone to see? Hansel : Yeah, you're cool to hide here, but first me and him got to straighten some shit out. Derek Zoolander : Fine. Hansel : Why you been acting so messed up towards me? Derek Zoolander : Why you been acting so messed up towards me? Hansel : Well, you go first. Movie Title: Heat Vision and Jack (1999) as Ben Stiller / Strip Club DJ: Strip Club DJ : [after capturing Paragon onto a tape] You want this labeled? Ben Stiller : [looking angrily at a picture of George Lucas] Hey, Mr. Beard. How many Emmies do you have? Movie Title: Starsky & Hutch (2004) as David Starsky / Starsky: Hutch : Which one do you want? Starsky : I've always had a thing for blondes. Hutch : Good, cause I'll take anything. Starsky : Stop shooting my car! Starsky : In Bay City, when you step over the line, your nuts are mine. Starsky : [in a deep Brooklyn-ish accent to prepare for a disguise] Do me a favor, tip your hat a little bit forward. Just a bit. COME ON, DO IT, DO IT! Hutch : Would you stop it. That accent's making you sound crazy. Starsky : It doesn't make me sound crazy, it makes me sound like "Maury Finkle, founder of Finkle Fixtures, Biggest Lighting Fixture Company in the Southland." Hutch : Ohhhh, it's a voice inside of a character. Starsky : Yeah, little touches, little touches, little details that make a character full, real. Starsky : When I house sit for my sister I don't claim it's my house. David Starsky : I like your Lincoln. Huggy Bear : It's a '76. Won't be out 'til next year. But I know some people that know some people that robbed some people. Hutch : [pointing at Starsky] I like your style. David Starsky : [pointing at Hutch] I like your moves. David Starsky : [After accidentally shooting a horse] Are you okay, little pony? Starsky : It's 10 o'clock, you're late; I've been here since 8. Hutch : 8 o'clock? I didn't even know this place opened that early. Starsky : It's okay though, because crime called in sick, it's going to get a late start too. Hutch : Crime called in sick, I like that... Starsky : Biker bar, huh? What goes on down there? Huggy Bear : I don't know. Listen to Jim Croce, play darts... whatever the hell else you white people do. [Starsky and Hutch are in the Captain's office] Captain Doby : You robbed 7 bookies in the last 6 months. You haven't filed a report, turned in any money and you haven't even arrested anybody. Hutch : How can I arrest them? They'll know I'm a cop! Starsky : Oh, I wouldn't worry. I don't think you are in any danger for being mistaken for a real cop. Hutch : Oh yeah! Hey why don't you do me a favor and go get yourself another perm and let the grown-ups talk. Starsky : For your information my hair is naturally curly. Hutch : No it's not! Starsky : Yes it is. Hutch : That's a perm job all the way. Starsky : TOUCH IT! [Hutch touches Starsky's hair] Captain Doby : Hey! Why are you touching him? Hutch : [ducking for cover] Hey, get that little kid! Starsky : [ducking] It's not a kid, it's a really small person... And he's throwing knives. Starsky : Tell your son to stop throwing knives! Chau : [in Korean] Throw all the knives! Chau's son: [in Korean] Yes father, I throw many! Starsky : I am NOT my mother! Starsky : It was my mother she always used to say it was too much car for me to handle. I couldn't handle the V8. Starsky : Hutch, let's go! Original Hutch : [to Hutch] I think he means you. Movie Title: Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story (2004) as White Goodman: Amber : Justin! I love you! Justin : I lov... White Goodman : [hits Justin in the face with a Dodgeball] Joanie loves Chaci! [from trailer] White Goodman : You should quit now. Peter La Fleur : I think I'll take my chances in the tournament. White Goodman : Yeah, you will take your chances. Peter La Fleur : That's what I just said. White Goodman : That's what I'm saying to you. Peter La Fleur : Okay, I'm not sure where you're trying to go with this. White Goodman : Well, I'm not sure where you're going with this. Peter La Fleur : All right... White Goodman : Touché. [from trailer] White Goodman : Nobody makes me bleed my own blood. NOBODY. White Goodman : Fucking Chuck Norris. White Goodman : Well, I know that you know that I know. White Goodman : Oh, hello, Kate. I wasn't aware I was paying you to "socialize". Kate Veatch : You're not. I'm off the clock. White Goodman : Well, isn't that convenient for you? And the clock. White Goodman : Cram it up your cramhole, LaFleur! White Goodman : You happy? Fatty make a funny? White Goodman : [Peter La Fleur enters his hotel room and finds White Goodman waiting for him in the dark] ¿Dónde está la biblioteca, Pedro? White Goodman : You're their leader. You're like their Fonzee... EH! White Goodman : This doesn't concern you, La Fleur. Peter La Fleur : Not nearly as much as your hair does. Peter La Fleur : I thought Nazi camp didn't get out until eight. Did you skips arts and crafts? White Goodman : You know what, I did! White Goodman : Donde esta la biblioteca? Peter La Fleur : What? White Goodman : I'm thinking of opening a new Globo Gym down in Mexico City, so I've been boning up on my Spanish. White Goodman : Here at Globo Gym we're better than you, and we know it. White Goodman : What about when you slept with three of my female trainers? Peter La Fleur : That was only one night. White Goodman : What about the time you sent me a stripper for Globo-Gym's one year anniversary. Peter La Fleur : The stripper was meant to be congratulatory. White Goodman : Yes, but it was also a man! White Goodman : We should mate. Kate Veatch : What? White Goodman : We should DATE! You know, socially, go out and kick it. [looks like she's choking] White Goodman : Are you okay? Kate Veatch : I just threw up in my mouth a little. White Goodman : [being fat and watching the commercial for Average Joe's in disgust while eating] Spare me... I won the tournament... I did... fuckin' Chuck Norris! Kate Veatch : That's an... interesting painting you have there. White Goodman : Thanks. It's a metaphor. That's me taking the bull by the horns. Kate Veatch : Yeah, I got that. White Goodman : That really happened though. White Goodman : Let's not find ourselves shackled by the bonds of employer/employee relations. Unless of course you're into that sort of thing... in which case I have some shackles in the back. Just kidding. But, no, really, I do. White Goodman : Let me introduce you to my team. This is Blade... Laser... Blazer... White Goodman : Oh, you're into the freaky stuff, huh? If so I've got some shackles in the back. Just kidding. But really, I've got 'em. Kate Veatch : Are you reading the dictionary? White Goodman : Oh, you caught me. I like to break a mental sweat too. White Goodman : Oh, I don't think I'm a lot dumber than you think that I thought I once was. White Goodman : That's me, White. W-H-I-T... E. White Goodman : You're going down like a sweet muffin! White Goodman : We at Globo Gym know that fattiness is genetic, like baldness or necrophilia. Movie Title: Permanent Midnight (1998) as Jerry Stahl / Jerry: Dita : Aw, Jerry, you didn't have to do that. Jerry : No that's all right, I'm Jewish, I never get to do this kind of stuff. Dita's son : You never had a Christmas tree? Why?! Jerry Stahl : People always ask, "What's the worst thing heroin drove you to do?". I always answer, "showing up on Maury." Movie Title: Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy (2004) as Spanish Anchor: Spanish Anchor : Policia! Spanish Anchor : Como estan, bitches? Movie Title: The Cable Guy (1996) as Sam Sweet: Sam Sweet : [Tape of his phone call to the police] Oh my God! Oh my God! My twin brother has been shot! I think it was an Asian gang or something... There was this guy, he looked Asian... and he was speaking another language, I'm pretty sure it was... Asian. Movie Title: Mystery Men (1999) as Mr. Furious: Mr. Furious : I don't need a compass to know which way the wind shines. Monica : I don't find you threatening. Mr. Furious : Well, you're... kind. Monica : At all. Mr. Furious : Right now I'm kinda like a powder keg. Mr. Furious : After all, I am a ticking time bomb of fury. Mr. Furious : Don't mess with the volcano my man, 'cause I will go Pompeii on your... butt. Mr. Furious : You must've torn out the "Q" section in my dictionary, because I don't know the meaning of the word "quit". Mr. Furious : So, why am I doing this again? The Sphinx : Once you can balance a tack hammer on your head, you will head off your foes with a balanced attack. Mr. Furious : And why am I wearing the watermelons on my feet? The Sphinx : I don't remember asking you to do that. [Commenting On The Disco Boy's arsenal] Mr. Furious : What? Guns? That's your power, you shoot guns? The Blue Raja : There's no theme at all here. Mr. Furious : Weak. The Blue Raja : At best. [They high-five each other] Mr. Furious : See, you've got a chain, I would at least make it a gold chain. [A Disco Boy wields a pipe] The Shoveller : And who are you, the Disco Plumber? [the heroes talk about hero recruits] The Blue Raja : Well, there's The Sphinx. Mr. Furious : Who? The Blue Raja : The Sphinx. The Shoveller : Yeah, I've heard of this guy. He's a big crime-fighter down south. Mr. Furious : What's his power? The Blue Raja : Well, he's terribly mysterious. Mr. Furious : That's his power, he's mysterious? The Blue Raja : He's TERRIBLY mysterious, actually. The Shoveller : Yeah, plus he can cut guns in half with his mind. Mr. Furious : Rage... taking over... Casanova Frankenstein : Yes, yes, we've heard that before. Mr. Furious : No. Rage... REALLY taking over... Mr. Furious : What kinda crazy man blows up a crazy house? Roy's Boss: When are you going to tear down that jeep out there? Mr. Furious : Now we went through this yesterday. That "jeep" is actually an armored car of some kind. It was made to withstand bombs, I can't just rip it apart with a crowbar. Mr. Furious : I'm a Pantera's box you do not wanna open. Casanova Frankenstein : It is "Pandora." Mr. Furious : Please don't correct me, it sickens me. Mr. Furious : I just want to tell you that if I don't call you it's because I'm dead. Mr. Furious : We're an elite cadr-cadrey... The Bowler : Cadre. The Shoveller : You're in. The Shoveller : If we had a billionaire like Lance Hunt as our benefactor... Mr. Furious : That's because Lance Hunt *IS* Captain Amazing The Shoveller : Don't start that *again*. Lance Hunt wears glasses. Captain Amazing *doesn't* wear glasses. Mr. Furious : He takes them off when he transforms. The Shoveller : That doesn't make any sense, he wouldn't be able to see. The Sphinx : Until you learn to master your rage... Mr. Furious : My rage will be my master, right? That's what you were going to say, isn't it? Mr. Furious : Frack you later, Frankenpuss. Mr. Furious : That could work. I'm a loose cannon. I'm unpredictable. I stormed off, why can't I storm back? Monica : Or, you could just say you're sorry. Mr. Furious : Do you think there's a really angry way I can say I'm sorry? Mr. Furious : [as the Blue Raja and the Shoveller walk away] Well here I thought I was with a couple of real superheroes, the Shoveller and the Blue Raja! But really, it's Lazy Boy and... and... the recliner! Lazy Boy and the Recliner! Movie Title: Reality Bites (1994) as Michael Grates: Michael Grates : Have I stepped over some line in the sands of coolness with you? Because excuse me if somebody doesn't know the secret handshake with you. Troy Dyer : There's no secret handshake. There's an IQ prerequisite, but there's no secret handshake. Lelaina Pierce : Are you religious? Michael Grates : Um, uh, I guess uh, I guess I'm, uh a non-practicing Jew. Lelaina Pierce : Hey, I'm a non-practicing virgin. Movie Title: Meet the Parents (2000) as Greg Focker: Greg Focker : You can milk just about anything with nipples. Jack Byrnes : I have nipples, Greg, could you milk me? [Jack's Poem] Jack Byrnes : "My Mother" by Jack Byrnes / You gave me life. / You gave me milk. / You gave me courage. / Your name was Angela. / An Angel from Heaven. / But you were also an angel of God. / And he needed you to. / I selfishly tried to hold on to you, / While the cancer ate away at your organs, / Like a rebel force. / And now we'll meet in heaven. / And I shall see you / Nevermore. Nevermore. Nevermore. Pam Byrnes : Dad, that's beautiful. Greg Focker : Yes, it was so beautiful, and yet, had so much information. Jack Byrnes : I mean, can you really trust another human being, Greg? Greg Focker : Yeah, I think so. Jack Byrnes : No. The answer is you can not. Jack Byrnes : I'm just curious, did you pick the color of the car? Greg Focker : Uh no, the guy at the window did, why? Jack Byrnes : Well they say geniuses pick green. Greg Focker : Oh. Jack Byrnes : But you didn't pick it. Greg Focker : I'm gonna go upstairs and pay a visit to the shower fairy. [Greg is trying to fit his large bag into the overhead bin] Flight Attendant : I'm sorry, sir, you're gonna have to check that. Greg Focker : I got it. Flight Attendant : No, I'm sorry, that bag won't fit. Greg Focker : No, no, I'm not - hey, I'm not checking my bag, okay? Flight Attendant : There's no need to raise your voice, sir. Greg Focker : I'm not raising my voice. THIS WOULD BE RAISING MY VOICE TO YOU, okay? I don't want to check my bag, okay? And, by the way, your airline? You SUCK at checking bags, okay, because I already did that once and you lost it, and then I had everything screwed up very badly for me, okay? Flight Attendant : Well, I can assure you that your bag will be placed safely below deck with the other luggage... Greg Focker : Oh, yeah? How do you know my bag will be safe below with the other luggage? Huh? Are you physically going to take my bag and put it beneath the plane? Are you going to go right now outside, with the guys with the earmuffs, and go put it in there? Flight Attendant : No... Greg Focker : No? Okay, then shut your piehole and listen to me when I say that I am FINISHED with the checking-of-the-bags CONVERSATION. Flight Attendant : Sir, we have a policy on this airline that a bag this large must be... Greg Focker : [grabs his bag back] You know what, get your grubby little paws OFF my bag, okay? It's not like I have a bomb in here. It's not like I wanna blow up the plane. I just want to store my bag according to your safety regulations. Flight Attendant : Sir, sir! Greg Focker : Just take a minute, take those little sticks out of your head, clean out your ears, and you'll see that I'm a person with feelings, and all I wanna do is do what *I* wanna do and not listen to you! And the only way I'd ever let you have my bag is if you pried it from my dead, lifeless fingers, okay? If you can get it from my kung-fu grip then you can have it, okay? Otherwise, step off, bitch. Greg Focker : Hey Jack, why don't you tell 'em about your little phone call in Thai. Dina Byrnes : Jack can't talk Thai. Greg Focker : Oh no, Dina, Jack can talk Thai. Jack talked Thai real well. Greg Focker : Oh, oh check my pulse on this one, Jack. Do I think you're a psycho? Yes. Dina Byrnes : Now Greg, you have a *very* unique last name and Jack and I were wondering how to pronounce it? Greg Focker : Oh, just like its spelt. F-O-C-K-E-R. Dina Byrnes : F-Focker. Jack Byrnes : Hmm, Focker. Denny Byrnes : You just sniffing my boxers, man? Greg Focker : No, dude Bob Banks : What is that smell? Greg Focker : That smell, Bob, is our shit. Focker flushed the toilet in the den so the sceptic tank overflowed. Greg Focker : I told you, Jack, it wasn't me, it was Jinx. Jack Byrnes : FOCKER, I'm not gonna tell you again. Jinx cannot flush the toilet. He's a cat for Christ sakes! Larry : The animal doesn't even have thumbs, Focker. Greg Focker : This handles like a dream. Larry : Let's not make it a nightmare. Jack Byrnes : Did you flush this toilet? Greg Focker : Maybe... You know what, maybe Jinx flushed it. I saw little Jinxy in there last night and he took a squatted... relieved himself. Jack Byrnes : Jinx knows not to use that toilet and even if he did, he'd never flush it. Greg Focker : What does it matter? Jack Byrnes : The matter, Greg RN, is that when this toilet is flushed, it runs, and when you have a septic tank that's nearly full and a toilet that's been running all night, then you could have a hell of a problem. [in the car listening to "Puff the Magic Dragon"] Greg Focker : Who'd have thought it wasn't about a dragon. Jack Byrnes : Huh? Greg Focker : Well some people think that 'to puff the magic dragon' means to... puff... smoke... a marijuana cigarette. Jack Byrnes : Puff is just the name of the boy's magical dragon... You a pothead, Focker? Greg Focker : No, I pass on grass always. Well not always. Jack Byrnes : Yes or no? Greg Focker : No, um, yes, um... Norm : I got a plane full of people saying you threatened that stewardess. Greg Focker : I was not threatening her. I was just trying to get my bag into the overhead storage thing... Norm : You were acting like a maniac and you threatened her with a bomb. Greg Focker : No, I said I didn't have a bomb. Norm : But you said bomb. Greg Focker : I said, "It's not like I have a bomb". Norm : You said "Bomb" on an airplane. Greg Focker : What's wrong with saying 'Bomb' on an airplane? Norm : You can't say 'Bomb' on an airplane! Greg Focker : Bomb bomb bomb, bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb. You gonna arrest me? Bomb bomb bomb bomb! During the war I was a BOMBadier! Norm : You assaulted an airline employee and I oughta put you away for years! Pam Byrnes : Greg Honey, how are you doing? Greg Focker : Oh great, considering I desecrated your Grandma's remains, found out you were engaged, and had your Father ask me to milk him. Jack Byrnes : Greg's in medicine too. Bob Banks : What field? Greg Focker : Nursing. Bob Banks : Ha ha ha ha. No, really, what field are you in? Greg Focker : Nursing. Greg Focker : Don't worry about your little covert op, I'll keep it on the low down. Denny Byrnes : Down low. Greg Focker : No doubt. [Greg is sitting in the dark. Pam walks in to check on him] Pam Byrnes : What's the matter sweetie? Can't sleep? Greg Focker : No, no. I was just going over my answers to the polygraph test your dad just gave me. Delivery Man: Gaylord M. Focker? Greg Focker : That's me. Jack Byrnes : I thought your name was Greg. Greg Focker : It is. Delivery Man: That's not what it says here. Greg Focker : Gaylord is my legal name. Nobody's called me by it since third grade. Denny Byrnes : Wait a minute, so your name is Gay Focker? Greg Focker : [on the phone] Yeah, you gave me the wrong suitcase. Uh-huh. Yes, it's a black Samsonite. Uh-huh. Ok, well don't you think that the Samsonite people, in some crazy scheme in order to make a profit, MADE MORE THAN ONE BLACK SUITCASE? Jack Byrnes : Greg's a male nurse. Greg Focker : Yes. Thank you, Jack. Kevin : Wow, that's great. I'd love to find time to do some volunteer work. Just the other day I saw a golden retriever, he had like a gimp, ya know I just wish I could have done something. Greg Focker : Yeah, well I get paid too so it's sort of a everyone wins thing. Greg Focker : Oh, dear god, thank you, you are such a good god to us. A kind and gentle and accommodating god, and we thank you oh sweet, sweet lord of hosts for the smorgasbord you have so aptly laid at our table this day, and each day, by day, day by day, by day oh dear lord three things we pray to love thee more dearly, to see thee more clearly, to follow thee more nearly, day, by day, by day. Amen. [last lines] Greg Focker : You have another question? Sure, I got one question for you. It's CAN YOU DEAL WITH THAT? Greg Focker : It's beautiful... what is it? Kevin : It's an altar; or you might call it a HHH... Chupah? Movie Title: Your Friends & Neighbors (1998) as Jerry: Jerry : What do these characters all have in common? They all want to... fuck! It's always about fucking. Terri : [After sex] Where are you going? Jerry : [Bitter] Out. I wanna talk, I wanna chat. Terri : We can talk. I just don't want something up my ass while we're doing it. Jerry : He's practically my best friend... Terri : Oh, don't even fucking use that! Alright? Best friend? Why don't you try saying that when you're down there lapping between her legs? See how it sounds then? Jerry : I'll talk as much as I like. Terri : Yeah? Well I hope she likes it, cause you won't be fuckin' me. Jerry : [after much prodding by Barry] Ok. The best fuck I ever had. That would be your wife. That was the best fuck I ever had. Cary : That beats my story. |
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