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 Victoria Jackson Quotation"For with God nothing shall be impossible" (Luke 1:37; favourite Bible verse) Movie Title: I Love You to Death (1990) as Lacey: Lacey : Joey, if you're such a good Catholic, why do you commit adultery? Joey Boca : I'm a man; I got a lot of hormones in my body. Movie Title: The Undercover Kid (1996) as Voice of 'Nellie': Voice of 'Nellie' : I know what: call the President. Max Anderson : I can't just call the President, they'd lock me up for sure. Movie Title: UHF (1989) as Teri: [George and Teri make up] Teri : Hello, stranger. George Newman : Teri, what are you doing here? I thought you never wanted to see me again. Teri : Whatever gave you that idea? George Newman : Well, my first clue is when you told me you never wanted to see me again. Teri : George, did you get fired again? George Newman : [banging his head against a counter] Yes. Yes. It's all true. I just don't know what's wrong with me. [instantly changes his mood] George Newman : So, what's for dinner? [takes a look at what's for dinner] George Newman : Mashed potatoes! My favorite! Teri : George, you've been bouncing from job to job ever since I've known you. You have to find some way of making your overactive imagination work for you instead of against you. [turns around and discovers that George has molded his mashed potatoes into a mountain] Teri : What are you doing? George Newman : This is important. This means something. Movie Title: Casual Sex? (1988) as Melissa: Stacy: Yeah. Now, when you're with a guy, you're not just sleeping with him, you're sleeping with everyone they've had sex with. Ilene : And everyone they've had sex with. Ilene , Melissa : And everyone *they've* had sex with! Melissa : Gee, I'm a lot more experienced than I thought I was! [They laugh.] Stacy: This is kind of embarrassing to admit, but I remember when it was actually fun to say, "WOW, that really felt great! What's your name again?" Melissa : I've never had sex with someone I didn't know. For that matter, I've never said, "Wow, that felt really great." [Melissa's dream.] Dr. Goodman : The good news is that your Blue Cross will cover this visit. The bad news is that you have herpes simplex I and II, trichomonas, gonorrhea, acute [sic] Dr. Goodman : immune deficiency syndrome related complex, vulvar lesions, secondary syphilis, venereal warts, and a potentially unbearable case of crabs. Melissa : But he was only the third guy in my life, and the first one didn't count! Dr. Goodman : Oh, all contact counts. Melissa : But I thought I had safe sex. Dr. Goodman : Oh, no sex is safe enough for you, Melissa. Well, enjoy the rest of your vacation. [Plunges huge needle into her.] [Attempting seduction.] Matthew : Melissa, did you know that women experience 63% more heightened sensitivity during the arousal phase than during climax itself? Melissa : Really? I like all the phases. [Several minutes into the attempted seduction.] Melissa : What's the matter? Matthew : We have a problem. Melissa : Well, what is it? Matthew : I can't. I'm sorry. Melissa : Is it me? Matthew : No no no, it's not you. It's me. I'm not attracted to you. Melissa : Oh. Matthew : Now, I don't want you to take this as a rejection, but as an acceptance between two people whose needs are profoundly incompatible. And you're not alone. I devote an entire chapter to this in my book. [To the camera.] Melissa : I really wish you hadn't seen that. [Narrating as we see an image of Melissa as Marilyn Monroe on the subway vent in Movie Title: The Seven Year Itch.] Melissa : Just once I'd like to wear a sexy white dress blowing all around me and not have men run away screaming. Just once I'd like to have the kind of sexual experience where you don't have to go to the bathroom and cry afterwards. Stacy: I bet Marilyn cried in the bathroom after sex, probably more than once. Everyone does. Melissa : Men too? Stacy: They can't. They're asleep. Ilene : Haven't you ever had an orgasm? Melissa : Oh, yeah, sure-- No, not really. I mean, not with someone else in the room. Melissa : Uh, this is one that the kids at school told me. Why did the chicken go halfway across the street? Vinny : Why? Melissa : He wanted to lay it on the line. --You're not laughing. Vinny : Oh, not yet, not yet. Inside, it's building, it's building. About a half hour from now I'll be rolling all over the beach, I'm telling you. You won't be able to stop me. I'll be in hysterics. Melissa : You know, Matthew's a psychologist. I just love therapy. I think everyone should be in therapy. Matthew : That would be good for me. Actually, I'm here to do reseach for a book I'm writing, on the psycho-sexual tendencies of pre-menopausal females. Vinny : Yeah, me too. |
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