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 Arnold Schwarzenegger Quotation"I was always interested in proportion and perfection. When I was fifteen, I took off my clothes and looked in the mirror. When I stared at myself naked, I realized that to be perfectly proportioned I would need twenty-inch arms to match the rest of me." "There's so little time to do all the things I want to do that I can't see any reason to get bogged down in sequels." - to Starlog magazine in 1991, explaining his reluctance to do sequels to most of his successful films from the '80s. "Everything I have ever done in my life has always stayed. I've just added to it...But I will not change. Because when you are successful and you change, you are an idiot." "I know that if you leave dishes in the sink, they get sticky and hard to wash the next day." "I would rather be Governor of California than own Austria." "I love the Hong Kong style of action movies, but that only looks good for small guys. The reason why the whole style was developed over there was because those guys were very puny guys - they're not powerful-looking guys, they're also not powerful guys. There's no weight lifting champion coming out of Hong Kong - maybe in the bantam division or the lightweight division or something like that, but normally you don't have really strong men coming out of there...they had to learn a technique that small people can do that are as effective as the big guy's strength. So that's where the martial arts came from." "In the beginning I was selfish. It was all about, 'How do I build Arnold? How can I win the most Mr. Universe and Mr. Olympic contests? How can I get into the movies and get into business?' I was thinking about myself...As I've grew up, got older, maybe wiser, I think your life is judged not by how much you have taken but by how much you give back." "Where I did make mistakes, or maybe go overboard sometimes...I regret that. This is a different Arnold" - offering an apology for his misbehavious behaviour. "How many times do you get away with this - to take a woman, grab her upside down and bury her face in a toilet bowl? The thing is you can do it, because, in the end, I didn't do it to a woman - she's a machine. We could get away with it without being crucified by who knows what group" - on his fight scenes with the female T-X in Terminator 3. "It was the most difficult decision in my life - except the one in 1978 when I decided to get a bikini wax" - on his decision to run for Governor "This guy owes me bacon now...you can't have egg without bacon" - after being pelted with an egg at a rally "I just realised I have the perfect part for you in Terminator 4" - responding to criticism during a televised debate "I will not fail, I will not disappoint you, I will not let you down" - victory speech as Governor of California "The worst I can be is the same as everybody else. I hate that." There's a lot of people who want me to get out of acting and want me to run for governor. I think it's mostly movie critics. "You have to remember something: Everybody pities the weak; jealousy you have to earn." "I took more abuse in Predator than I did in Conan the Barbarian. I fell down that waterfall [forty feet] and swam in this ice-cold water for days and for weeks was covered in mud. It was freezing in the Mexican jungle. They had these heat lamps on all the time, but they were no good. If you stayed in front of the lamps, the mud dried. Then you had to take it off and put new mud on again. It was a no-win situaiton. The location was tough. Never on flat ground. Always on a hill. We stood all day long on a hill, one leg down, one leg up. It was terrible." "If they don't have the guts to come up here in front of you and say, 'I don't want to represent you, I want to represent those special interests, the unions, the trial lawyers ... if they don't have the guts, I call them girlie men" - referring to Democrats at a political rally in Ontario, California in 2004. "If [Democratic Party legislators in California] don't have the guts to come up here in front of you and say, 'I don't want to represent you, I want to represent those special interests, the unions, the trial lawyers ... if they don't have the guts, I call them girlie men." "I was always interested in proportion and perfection." Movie Title: Collateral Damage (2002) as Gordon Brewer: Claudio "The Wolf" Perrini : What's the difference between you and I? Gordon Brewer : The difference is... I''m just going to kill you. Claudio "The Wolf" Perrini : When are you going to kill me? Gordon Brewer : NOW! Felix : Why isn't Armstrong here? Gordon Brewer : He was arrested for screwing the police chief's daughter. Felix : That's Armstrong for ya. Selena : Claudio is now a man consumed by hate, just like you. Gordon Brewer : I'm not like him. Gordon Brewer : Why are you taking care of me? Selena : You saved my son. Gordon Brewer : And your husband killed mine. [reffering to Selena and Gordon.] Bradnt : You two make quite a team. A fireman and a refugee. Sounds like a T.V. show. Gordon Brewer : Mm-Hmm, and you could play the asshole. Gordon Brewer : If you keep working with him, then you are no better than he is. Selena : What would you have me do? Gordon Brewer : Help me stop him. Gordon Brewer : Hey, sell me your pass so I can work the zone. Armstrong : Would you stick a sock in it "Jolly Green"? I'm just a wrench for hire. Movie Title: The 6th Day (2000) as Adam Gibson: Adam Gibson : Doesn't anybody die any more? Adam Gibson : I want my life back. Adam Gibson : I might be back. Adam Gibson : You should clone yourself now, while you're still alive. Drucker : Why, so I can share your unique perspective? Adam Gibson : No, so you can go screw yourself. [Later, when Drucker's clone is lying on the real Drucker] Adam Gibson : When I told you screw yourself, I didn't mean for you to take it literally. Adam Gibson : This time stay dead. Adam Gibson : My daughter's inside. I don't want her exposed to any graphic violence, she gets enough from the media. Adam Gibson : You should clone yourself while you're still alive. Drucker : So I can get a perspective on your situation? Adam Gibson : No, so you can fuck yourself! Adam Gibson : You read my mind? Drucker : Just the highlights. Adam Gibson : That's enough philosophy for now. Movie Title: Jingle All the Way (1996) as Howard / Howard Langston: Howard Langston : I'm not a pervert! I was just looking for a Turbo Man doll! Ted : Howard. They say it might get icy later. You might wanna wrap some chains around those tires. Howard Langston : Maybe I should wrap some chains around you. Ted : What? Myron Larabee : I work for the post office so you know I'm not stable! Tell 'em! Howard Langston : This man is totally insane. Myron Larabee : Thank you! Mall Santa : Hey, Pal, you want a Turbo Man for Christmas? Howard Langston : Forget it, I'm not gonna sit on your lap. Mall Santa : Hey, Chief, that's not my bag... Get it? Howard Langston : Ted what the hell are you doing on my roof? [Howard is trying to reach his wife on the phone, but Ted is over and answers] Howard Langston : Can I talk to my wife? Ted : I think she is in the shower Howard, do you want me to check? Howard Langston : NO! Howard Langston : You guys are nothing but a bunch of sleazy conmen in red suits. Mall Santa : What did you call us? Howard Langston : You heard me right. Conmen. Degenerates. Low-lifes. Thugs. Criminals! Mall Santa : At the North Pole them are fighting words, Partner. Howard Langston : Jamie, let me talk to your mother. Jamie Langston : She's next door pettin' Ted. Myron Larabee : As if I didn't have enough trouble, my son sends me out for some goofy-butt toy. Some fruity robot named Turtle-Man. Howard Langston : It's Turbo Man. My son wants one too. Howard : This can't happen. It's just a doll. It's just a stupid little plastic doll. Myron : Ah ah, that's "action figure". Officer Hummel : Turbo Man, we could use a man like you on the force. Howard Langston : [In Turbo Man outfit] Thanks, I'll keep that in mind. Oh, I'm sorry about the bike, and the coffee, and the bus, and... the bomb. Howard Langston : I gotta tell you, Santa, there's something about this place that doesn't seem quite... Kosher. Mall Santa : Kosher? This coming from a guy who assaulted a toddler for a super ball? Liz : Everything you went through today for Jamie really shows how much you love him. And if it means going through all that just for a present, well that makes me wonder. Howard : What? Liz : What did you get me? [The camera zooms in on Howard's terrified face] Howard Langston : Cookies? [shouting] Howard Langston : Who told you you could eat my cookies? Howard : Put that cookie down. NOW! Movie Title: Pumping Iron (1977) as Arnold Schwarzenegger: Arnold Schwarzenegger : Franco is pretty smart, but Franco's a child, and when it comes to the day of the contest, I am his father. He comes to me for advices. So it's not that hard for me to give him the wrong advices. Arnold Schwarzenegger : I don't have any weak points. I had weak points three years ago, but my main thing in mind is, my goal always was, to even out everything to the point... that everything is perfect. Which means if I want to increase one muscle a half inch, the rest of the body has to increase. I would never make one muscle increase or decrease, because everything fits together now, and all I have to do is get my posing routine down more perfect, which is almost impossible to do, you know. It's perfect already. Interviewer: Do you visualize yourself as a living sculpture? Arnold Schwarzenegger : Yes, definitely. Good bodybuilders have the same mind when it comes to sculpting, than a sculptor has. Arnold Schwarzenegger : Milk are for babies, when you get older you drink beer. Arnold Schwarzenegger : The greatest feeling you can get in a gym, or the most satisfying feeling you can get in the gym is... The Pump. Let's say you train your biceps. Blood is rushing into your muscles and that's what we call The Pump. You muscles get a really tight feeling, like your skin is going to explode any minute, and it's really tight -- it's like somebody blowing air into it, into your muscle. It just blows up, and it feels really different. It feels fantastic. [continuing about The Pump] Arnold Schwarzenegger : It's as satisfying to me as, uh, coming is, you know? As, ah, having sex with a woman and coming. And so can you believe how much I am in heaven? I am like, uh, getting the feeling of coming in a gym, I'm getting the feeling of coming at home, I'm getting the feeling of coming backstage when I pump up, when I pose in front of 5,000 people, I get the same feeling, so I am coming day and night. I mean, it's terrific. Right? So you know, I am in heaven. Movie Title: The Running Man (1987) as Ben Richards / Richards: Ben Richards : I'm not into politics. I'm into survival. Amber : I warn you I get sick. Car sick, air sick. And I'm going to throw up all over *you*. Richards : That's ok. On this shirt it wont show. Ben Richards : Now I'm gonna untie you, and then you're gonna get dressed, and then you're gonna come with me. Amber : Oh yeah? But why should I? Ben Richards : Because I'm gonna say "please"... [Arnold tears up the bench Amber is tied to from the floor it was bolted to] Amber : Well, why didn't you say so? Ben Richards : Killian! I'll be back! Damon Killian : Only in a rerun. Damon Killian : You bastard! Drop dead! Ben Richards : I don't do requests. Ben Richards : Killian, here's your Subzero, now plain zero. Ben Richards : Uplink underground, uplink underground. If you say that one more time, I'll uplink your uplink your ass, and you'll be underground! Ben Richards : [after strangling Sub-Zero with barbed wire)] What a pain in the neck. Amber : [after Richards cut Buzzsaw in half with a chain saw] What happened to Buzzsaw? Ben Richards : He had to split. Ben Richards : I live to see you eat that contract, but I hope you leave enough room for my fist because I'm going to ram it into your stomach and break your god-damn spine! Ben Richards : Uplinks on the ground. Uplinks underground. You guys don't shut up, I'm going to uplink your ass... you'll be on the ground! Ben Richards : If you're not ready to act, give me a break and shut up! [Richard tied Amber to her bench-press, which is bolted to the floor] Amber : What makes you think I'm going to do anything you say? Ben Richards : [lifts the bench, tearing it away from the floor] Because, I'm going to say 'Please'. Movie Title: End of Days (1999) as Jericho Cane: Father Kovak : Do you believe in God? Jericho Cane : Maybe once, not anymore. Father Kovak : What happened? Jericho Cane : We had a difference of opinion. I thought my wife and daughter should live. He felt otherwise. Father Kovak : He was doing God's work. Jericho Cane : So God ordered a hit on an investment banker? Father Kovak : You think you've seen everything? There's a whole world you've never dreamed of. Thomas saw it, and it destroyed him. Jericho Cane : I've seen a lot, but nothing would ever make me cut out my tongue. Father Kovak : Wait a few days. Jericho Cane : Who the fuck are you? Satan : Oh, I think you know who I am. You just don't want to believe it. Jericho Cane : Between your faith and my Glock nine millimeter, I'll take the Glock. Satan : Now you're making me angry. You don't want to see me angry. Jericho Cane : Oh, you think you're bad, huh? You're a fucking choir boy compared to me! A CHOIR BOY! Satan : You're in touch with your anger. I admire that. Well, I don't know about you, but I'm going to have a drink. Pope : We're not afraid to die for our cause. Jericho Cane : Good, because I'm not afraid to kill you! Satan : Just tell me what you want. Jericho Cane : I'll tell you what I want. I want you to go to Hell. Satan : Well, you see, the problem is... [grabs Jericho and lifts him] Satan : ... sometimes Hell comes to YOU! Jericho Cane : They're not real. Satan : Would that matter? Jericho Cane : Oh, yes. Satan : I think you need a reminder of how painful reality can be. Movie Title: Raw Deal (1986) as Kaminsky: Monique : Losing improves your character. Kaminsky : What do you think I look like, Dirty Harry? Kaminsky : You should not drink and bake! Kaminsky : Magic?... or magnet? Movie Title: The 70th Annual Academy Awards (1998) as Arnold Schwarzenegger: Arnold Schwarzenegger : My friend James Cameron and I made three films together: "True Lies," "Terminator," and "Terminator 2." Of course, that was during his early low-budget art-house period. Movie Title: Conan the Barbarian (1982) as Conan: Conan : The riddle...of steel. Thulsa Doom : Yes! You know what it is don't you boy. Shall I tell you? It's the least I can do. Steel isn't strong boy, flesh is stronger! Look around you. There, on the rocks; that beautiful girl. Come to me my child... That is strength boy! That is power! What is steel compared to the hand that wields it? Look at the strength in your body, the desire in your heart, I gave you this! Such a waste. Contemplate this on the tree of woe. Crucify him! Conan : Crom, I have never prayed to you before. I have no tongue for it. No one, not even you, will remember if we were good men or bad. Why we fought, and why we died. All that matters is that today, two stood against many. Valor pleases you, so grant me this one request. Grant me revenge! And if you do not listen, the HELL with you! Mongol General : We have won again. That is good! But what is best in life? Mongol General : The open steppe, fleet horse, falcon on your wrist, wind in your hair! Mongol General : Wrong! Conan, what is best in life? Conan : To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of the women! Mongol General : That is good. Movie Title: Red Heat (1988) as Ivan Danko: Abdul Elijah : Revolutionary political leaders like myself are incarcerated to keep us quiet. Ivan Danko : What is your political crime? Abdul Elijah : I robbed a bank. Art Ridzik : About this pile-of-shit pimp in here. In this country, we try to protect the rights of individuals. It's called the Miranda Act, and it says that you can't even touch his ass. Ivan Danko : I do not want to touch his ass. I want to make him talk! [After torturing a witness into talking] Ivan Danko : Soviet method is more economical. Ivan Danko : I have car under control. Art Ridzik : Yeah, I'm sure they taught you all about cars and the price of insurance at your famous Russian school in Kiev! Ivan Danko : In socialist countries, insurance not necessary. State pays for everything. Art Ridzik : Yeah? Well, tell me something, Captain. If you've got such a fucking paradise over there, how come you're up the same creek as we are with heroin and cocaine? Ivan Danko : Chinese find way. Right after revolution, they round up all drug dealers, all drug addicts, take them to public square, and shoot them in back of head. Art Ridzik : Ah, it'd never work here. Fucking politicians wouldn't go for it. Ivan Danko : Shoot them first. Commander Lou Donnelly CPD : How do you deal with stress in Russia? Ivan Danko : Vodka. Ivan Danko : Tea, please. Art Ridzik : In a glass, with lemon, right? Ivan Danko : [surprised] Yes. Art Ridzik : Yeah. I saw Dr. Zhivago. [Ivan Danko's alarm goes off] Ivan Danko : Time to feed my parakeet. Art Ridzik : What is that, Russian for "wacking off"? [Watching a porno scene on the TV] Ivan Danko : Capitalism! Movie Title: Tinseltown TV (2002) as Arnold Schwarzenegger: Arnold Schwarzenegger : I'm a very spiritual person too, not just a machine. Movie Title: Hercules in New York (1970) as Hercules: Hercules : Ha, ha, ha. You have struck Hercules. Hercules : Hercules hides from no man! Hercules : Hercules has no need of money! Hercules : Bucks? Doe? What is all this zoological talk about male and female animals? Mercury: You could do great harm. Hercules : Ahm To Oom? Movie Title: The Terminator (1984) as The Terminator: [The Terminator arrives naked and encounters some punks] Punk Leader : Nice night for a walk, eh? The Terminator : Nice night for a walk. Punk : Wash day tomorrow? Nothing clean, right? The Terminator : Nothing clean. Right. Punk Leader : Hey, I think this guy's a couple cans short of a six-pack. The Terminator : Your clothes - give them to me, now. Punk Leader : Fuck you, asshole! [At a gun store] The Terminator : The .45 Long Slide, with laser sighting. Pawn Shop Clerk : These are brand new; we just got them in. That's a good gun. Just touch the trigger, the beam comes on and you put the red dot where you want the bullet to go. You can't miss. Anything else? The Terminator : Phased-plasma rifle in the forty watt range. Pawn Shop Clerk : Hey, just what you see, pal. [The Terminator is loading a rifle in the shop] Pawn Shop Clerk : You can't do that. The Terminator : Wrong. [shoots him] The Terminator : I'll be back. Cleaning Man at Flophouse : Hey, buddy. You got a dead cat in there, or what? [The Terminator visualizes: 'POSSIBLE RESPONSE: YES/NO; OR WHAT?; GO AWAY; PLEASE COME BACK LATER; FUCK YOU, ASSHOLE; FUCK YOU'] The Terminator : Fuck you, asshole. The Terminator : [to the passenger in the semi truck] Get out. Movie Title: Dr. Dolittle 2 (2001) as White Wolf: White Wolf : Hasta la vista, baby! Movie Title: Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines (2003) as Terminator: Terminator : Katherine Brewster? Have you sustained injury? Kate Brewster : Drop dead you asshole. Terminator : I am unable to comply. Terminator : [After inspecting John Connor] No sign of brain trauma. John Connor : Yeah I'm fine, thanks. John Connor : Do you even remember me? Sarah Connor, blowing up Cyberdyne, hasta la vista, baby. Ring any bells? Terminator : That was a different T-101. John Connor : What do you guys, come off an assembly line or something? Terminator : Exactly. John Connor : Oh man, I'm gonna have to teach you everything all over again. [to T-X] Terminator : You are terminated. Terminator : John Connor leads the resistance to victory. John Connor : How? Why? Why me? Terminator : You are John Connor. John Connor : Christ! My mom fed me that bullshit since the cradle! Look at me! I'm no leader! I never was! I'm never gonna- [is choked by Terminator] John Connor : Let go! Terminator : You're right. You're not the one I want. You're wasting my time. John Connor : Fuck you, you fucking machine! [is released by Terminator] Terminator : Better. John Connor : What, you were just dicking with me? Terminator : Anger is more useful than despair. Terminator : I'm back. Terminator : It was Katherine Brewster who reprogrammed me and sent me back through the time displacement field. John Connor : Why didn't I send you back? Terminator : I'm not authorized to answer your questions. Kate Brewster : Why didn't he send you back? Terminator : He was dead. John Connor : Oh, well that sucks. [The Terminator walks into a strip club to look for clothes] Terminator : Take off your clothes. Male Stripper : Patience, honey. [The T-850 steps up onto the stage] Male Stripper : Woah, bitch. Wait your turn. Terminator : Your clothes. Male Stripper : Talk to the hand. [The T-850 grabs his hand] Terminator : Now. Terminator : She'll be back. John Connor : You've got to be shitting me. Terminator : No, I am not shitting you. Terminator : That was a different T-101. John Connor : What do you guys, come off an assembly line or something? Terminator : Exactly. John Connor : Oh man, I'm gonna have to teach you everything all over again. Terminator : Desire is irrelevant. I am a machine. John Connor : What is your mission? Terminator : To. . .ensure the survival. . .of John Connor. . .and Katherine Brewster. John Connor : You are about to fail that mission. Gas Station Cashier : Hey. are you gonna pay for that? Terminator : Talk to the hand. Terminator : John Connor. It is time. John Connor : Are you here to kill me? Terminator : No. You must live. John Connor : The T-X, can you find a way to destroy it? Terminator : Unlikely, I'm an obsolete design. Terminator : Your levity is good, it relieves tension and the fear of death. John Connor : Tell her who I am. Terminator : John Connor is the leader of the worldwide resistance and last hope for mankind. Terminator : Where's John Connor? Kate Brewster : If I tell you, do you promise to let me go? Terminator : Yes. Kate Brewster : He's, he's in the kennel. [The Terminator goes to close the trunk] Kate Brewster : Hey. You said you'd let me go. Terminator : I lied. John Connor : Thank you. Terminator : [last words to John] We'll meet again. [John is holding a gun to his head] Terminator : You cannot self-terminate. John Connor : No, you can't. I can do anything I want. I'm a human being, not some god-damn robot. Terminator : [correcting him] Cybernetic organism. John Connor : I am a human being. Terminator : Cybernetic organism. John Connor : Whatever. Robert Brewster : Skynet? The virus has infected Skynet? John Connor : Skynet is the virus. It's the reason everything's falling apart. Terminator : Skynet has become self aware. In one hour it will conduct a massive nuclear attack on its enemy. Robert Brewster : What enemy? John Connor : Us. Humans. [Kate points a gun at the Terminator, and threatens to shoot him] John Connor : Go ahead. See what happens. [she fires at the Terminator, who then spits out the bullet] Terminator : Don't do that. John Connor : We stopped Judgment Day. Terminator : You only postponed it. Judgment Day is inevitable. Movie Title: Last Action Hero (1993) as Jack Slater / Hamlet: [Jack Slater is Hamlet] Hamlet : Hey Claudius! You killed my father! Big mistake! Narrator: Something is rotten in the state of Denmark, and Hamlet is taking out the trash. Old Man : Stay thy hand, fair prince. Hamlet : [shooting him] Who said I'm fair? Narrator: No one is going to tell this sweet prince good night. Hamlet : To be or not to be? Not to be. Jack Slater : Big mistake! [Dead assassin tumbles out of closet after Slater has fired into it without warning] Danny Madigan : How'd you know someone was in there? Jack Slater : There's always someone in there. It costs me a fortune in closet doors. [When danny comes home with Jack at 4 a.m] Danny's mom : Where have you been? The police called. You're not here. You're not there. Danny Madigan : Mom, I'm sorry, okay. Shh. Danny's mom : " Okay, shh?" There are 9 million kids out there with guns and that's all you have to say to me? "Okay, shh?" Will you get in here? Danny Madigan : Mom? You know how you always say you wish I had more friends? Well. Jack Slater : Hello Mrs. Madigan. Arnold Braunshweiger. Jack Slater : Who the hell are you? Danny Madigan : Don't shoot me. I'm Danny Madigan. I'm a kid. Danny Madigan : OK, I got one. What about this girl right here. She is way too attractive to be working in a video store. Jack Slater : I agree with you. I think she should be working with us... under cover of course... Danny Madigan : You think you are funny, don't you? Jack Slater : I know I am. I'm the famous comedian Arnold Braunschweiger. Danny Madigan : Schwarzenegger! Jack Slater : Gesundheit. Jack Slater : Could I speak to the drug dealer of the house, please? Jack Slater : I'll be back! Ha! You didn't know I was gonna say that, did you? Danny Madigan : That's what you always say! Jack Slater : I do? Jack Slater : Kid! Who does the doctor treat? Danny Madigan : Patients? Jack Slater : Look at the elbow of my jacket. What is it doing? Danny Madigan : Wearing thin? Jack Slater : Bingo! Danny Madigan : ...I though I was going to die. Jack Slater : Well I'm sorry to disappoint you but you're gonna live to enjoy all the glorious fruits life has got to offer - acne, shaving, premature ejaculation... and your first divorce. Jack Slater : And Whitney! Why can't she be like every other teenager. For prom night she stayed home and field stripped an AK-47. [Jack Slater realizes that a nerve gas bomb is hidden in Leo "the Fart"'s body] Jack Slater : Leo "the Fart" is gonna pass gas one more time. [The nervgasbomb goes of in the tar-pit] Jack Slater : Silent but deadly! [Jack Slater throws Benedict against a wall, and both Benedict and his servant disappears through it] Jack Slater : Usually when I do that it leaves a hole... Nick : There are lots of things worse than movies: politicians, wars, forest fires, famine, plague, sickness, pain, whores, politicians... Jack Slater : You already mentioned them. Nick : I know I did. They are twice as bad as anything else. Jack Slater : Here's another explosion for your movie, kid. Jack Slater : You wanna be a farmer? Here's a couple of acres! Jack Slater : Look! Elephant! Jack Slater : We're that close in catching him. Danny Madigan : No, Jack. We're that close to catching pneumonia. Jack Slater : I think the taxis are bulletproof. Dekker : And you promised me you wouldn't tell! Jack Slater : I didn't. Dekker : Well, then how did he know? Danny Madigan : "Jack Slater I". Dekker : What's winning got to do with this? Danny Madigan : No. The very first "Jack Slater". Dekker : [to Jack] You told your dad? Jack Slater : I didn't tell anybody! I don't even know this kid! Dekker : Well, he sure seems to know a lot about us. [After seeing a "Terminator 2" poster with Sylvester Stallone] Danny Madigan : No. It's not possible! Jack Slater : What's not possible? The man is an artist. It's his best performance ever! Danny Madigan : But... that was you! YOU were in that movie! [A girl close-by hears them] Girl: [to Jack] You were in a movie? Jack Slater : Yes. It was called "The Girl of My Dreams". It starred you. As a matter of fact, there was this very romantic scene where we had dinner together. John Practice : How do you get to Carnegie Hall? Jack Slater : By practice. John Practice! Jack Slater : Sir, are you a henchman? Benedict : No, I only go as far as lackey. Danny Madigan : Where are the ordinary, everyday women? They don't exist because this is a movie! Jack Slater : No, this is California. Jack Slater : Did you make a movie mistake? You forgot to reload the damn gun! Jack Slater : Let's say this is a movie. How many times have you heard someone say, "stay in the car," and the guy doesn't? What happens? Danny Madigan : He saves the day. Jack Slater : Or, gets killed! The mayor : Jack, as mayor of this great metropolis, you and I have had our little tiffs, but this is the Lieutenant Governor. Lt. Governor : Slater, here's what I... Jack Slater : [breaks the Lieutenant Governor's nose] When the Governor gets here, call me. Movie Title: True Lies (1994) as Harry Tasker / Harry: [About Harry's daughter] Gib : Do you think she's still a virgin? Harry : Dont be ridiculous, she's only - -what is she now? Gib : She's fourteen! Harry : She's fourteen years old! Gib : Yeah, and her little hormones are going off like a car alarm. Harry : Helen is having an affair. Gib : Welcome to the club! Samir : Is there anything you'd like to tell me before we start? Harry : Yeah: I'm going to kill you pretty soon. Harry : Ask me a question I would normally lie to. Helen Tasker : Are we going to die? Harry : Yep! Helen Tasker : Have you ever killed anyone? Harry : Yeah, but they were all bad. [While launching a Harrier missile, from which Salim Abu Aziz is hanging] Harry : You're fired! Harry : There *is* no us, you psychotic bitch! Harry : You tell on me, I tell on you. Gib : What are you talking about, I'm as clean as a preacher's sheets. I'm as clean as... Harry : What about that time you blew a six-week operation because you were too busy getting a blow job? Gib : You knew about that? Harry : Uh-huh. Harry : The code name of your assignment will be... Borus. And your code name will be... Helen Tasker : [hopeful] Natasha? Harry : No... Dorus. Faisil : Care to tango? Gib : Yes, I do. Harry : Assholes. Harry : But what about their husbands? Simon : Dickless! I mean let's face it, if they were taking care of business, I'd be outta business! [Harry returns to the van after escaping the castle] Harry : Hi guys. Gib : Well that worked real good. Right out the old front gate. Harry : Can you lean back a second... [Harry shoots two remaining pursuers] Harry : Can you hurry up. My horse is getting tired. Gib : Your horse? [Salim Abu Aziz reveals a nuclear weapon] Salim Abu Aziz : Do you know what this is? Harry : I know what this is... [Salim smiles] Harry : This is an espresso machine. [Salim frowns] Harry : No, no wait. It's a snow cone maker. [Salim approaches Harry] Harry : Is it a water heater? Gib : [over radio] Alright twinkle toes, what's your exit strategy? Harry : I'm gonna walk right out of the front gate. Gib : [over radio] Ballsy. Stupid but ballsy. [Harry is commandeering a Harrier to rescue his daughter] Gib : Harry, do you realize it has, in fact, been 10 years since you've been behind the wheel of one of these things? Harry Tasker : If I break it, they can take it outta my pay. Harry Tasker : First I'm gonna use you as a human shield, then I gonna take that chisel and kill the guard with it. Then I was thinking about breaking your neck. Samir : And how are you going to do all that? Harry : You know my handcuffs? Samir : Yes... Harry : [Hold his hands up] I picked them. Harry : Well, you see, this is the problem with terrorists. They're really inconsiderate when it comes to people's schedules. [Harry sticks an unconscious terrorist's head in a bathroom urinal and flushes it] Harry Tasker : Cool off. [Harry lights up a cigarette and starts coughing] Gib : Dickhead. Harry : Blow me. Movie Title: Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991) as The Terminator: The Terminator : The Skynet Funding Bill is passed. The system goes on-line August 4th, 1997. Human decisions are removed from strategic defense. Skynet begins to learn at a geometric rate. It becomes self-aware at 2:14 a.m. Eastern time, August 29th. In a panic, they try to pull the plug. Sarah Connor : And Skynet fights back. John Connor : No, no, no, no. You gotta listen to the way people talk. You don't say "affirmative," or some shit like that. You say "no problemo." And if someone comes on to you with an attitude you say "eat me." And if you want to shine them on it's "hasta la vista, baby." The Terminator : Hasta la vista, baby. John Connor : Yeah! Or "later dickwad." And if someone gets upset you say, "chill out"! Or you can do combinations. The Terminator : Chill out, dickwad. John Connor : Great! See, you're getting it! The Terminator : No problemo. The Terminator : It's in your nature to destroy yourselves. [One-armed and battered after confronting the T-1000] The Terminator : I need a vacation. John Connor : I need a minute here. Your telling me that this thing can imitate anything it touches? The Terminator : Anything it samples by physical contact. John Connor : Get real, like it could disguise itself as a pack of cigarettes? The Terminator : No, only an object of equal size. John Connor : Why doesnt it become a bomb or something to get me? The Terminator : It cant form complex machines, guns and explosives have chemicals, moving parts, it doesn't work that way, but it can form solid metal shapes. John Connor : Like what? The Terminator : Knives and stabbing weapons. [Dyson's personal code fails to access the computer room] The Terminator : Let me try mine. [Blasts door open] [John Connor wants to get some things from home] The Terminator : Negative. The T1000 will definitely try to reacquire you there. John Connor : You sure? The Terminator : I would. The Terminator : Why do you cry? John Connor : You mean people? The Terminator : Yes. John Connor : I dont' know. We just cry. You know, when it hurts. The Terminator : Pain causes it? John Connor : No, it's when there's nothing wrong with you, but you cry anyway. You get it? The Terminator : No. [On the phone to John Connor's foster mom] The Terminator : What's the dog's name? John Connor : Max. The Terminator : [in John's voice] Hey Janelle, what's wrong with Wolfie? I can hear him barking. Is he all right? Janelle Voight : Wolfie's fine, honey. Wolfie's just fine. Where are you? The Terminator : [hangs up] Your foster parents are dead. [The T-1000 has fallen into a vat of molten iron] John Connor : Is it dead? The Terminator : Terminated. John Connor : You just can't go around killing people. The Terminator : Why? John Connor : What do you mean why? 'Cause you can't. The Terminator : Why? John Connor : Because you just can't, OK? Trust me on this. The Terminator : I need your clothes, boots and your motorcycle! Cigar Biker : You forgot to say please... John Connor : You're not here to kill me - I figured out that for myself. So what's the deal? The Terminator : My mission is to protect you. John Connor : Yeah? Who sent you? The Terminator : You did. 35 years from now you reprogrammed me to be your protector here - in this time. John Connor : This is deep... [The Terminator has promised not to kill anybody, but to get into the hospital he shoots the guard in the legs] The Terminator : He'll live. The Terminator : Come with me if you want to live! The Terminator : Stay here, I'll be back! The Terminator : Hasta la vista, baby! The Terminator : I know now why you cry. But it's something I can never do. John Connor : Jesus, you were gonna kill that guy. The Terminator : Of course; I'm a terminator. John Connor : You know what you're doing? The Terminator : I have detailed files on human anatomy. Sarah Connor : Makes you a more efficient killer, right? The Terminator : Correct. The Terminator : I'll take care of the police. John Connor : Hey, wait! You swore! The Terminator : [smiles] Trust me. The Terminator : The more contact I have with humans, the more I learn. The Terminator : I swear I will not kill anyone. John Connor : Can you learn stuff you haven't been programmed with so you could be... you know, more human? And not such a dork all the time? The Terminator : My CPU is a neural net processor; a learning computer. But Skynet pre-sets the switch to read-only when we're sent out alone. Sarah Connor : Doesn't want you doing too much thinking, huh? The Terminator : No. John Connor : Are you ever afraid? The Terminator : No. John Connor : Not even of dying? The Terminator : No. John Connor : You don't feel any emotion about it one way or another? The Terminator : No. I have to stay functional until my mission is complete. Then it doesn't matter. John Connor : Yeah. I have to stay functional too. I'm "too important". Movie Title: Red Sonja (1985) as Kalidor: Red Sonja : No man may have me, unless he's beaten me in a fair fight. Kalidor : So, the only man that can have you, is one who's trying to kill you. That's logic. [Red Sonja goes and lies down. Kalidor picks up his sword and holds it to her throat] Kalidor : If you yield only to a conqueror, then prepared to be conquered. Red Sonja : Don't be a fool, I don't want to kill you. Kalidor : Try it. Red Sonja : But why didn't you tell me who you were? Kalidor : You didn't seem to want a man's help. But you needed it, so that's why I followed you. I had to be sure you reached the talisman. Red Sonja : I see, I misunderstood. I thought you had another reason. Kalidor : I did. (He kisses her.) Kalidor : I know you're a brave girl, but danger is my TRADE. Red Sonja : If danger is a trade, I'll learn it by myself. Movie Title: Total Recall (1990) as Douglas Quaid: Douglas Quaid : If I am not me, den who da hell am I? Douglas Quaid : I'll be back! Lori : Doug. You wouldn't shoot me, would you sweetheart? Sweetheart, after all, we're married! [Lori goes for her gun. Quaid shoots her] Douglas Quaid : Consider that a divorce. [Douglas Quaid seeing his real personality on the screen] Douglas Quaid : Now get your ass to Mars. Melina : It's been a while Hauser. Still bulging I see. [Grabs his crotch] Melina : What have you been feeding this thing? Douglas Quaid : Blondes. Melina : I think it's still hungry. Melina : Kuato's gonna make you remember some things when you were Hauser. Douglas Quaid : Like what? Melina : All sorts of things, like maybe you'll remember that you loved me. Douglas Quaid : I don't need Kuato for that. Melina : Since when? Kuato : What do you want, Mr. Quaid? Douglas Quaid : The same as you, to remember. Kuato : But why? Douglas Quaid : To be myself again. Kuato : You are what you do. A man is defined by his actions, not his memory. Vilos Cohaagen : Don't touch that, get away, get back! Douglas Quaid : What are you afraid of? Turn it on. Vilos Cohaagen : Impossible, once the reaction starts, it'll spread to all the turbinium in the planet. Mars will go into global meltdown. That's why the aliens never turned it on. Douglas Quaid : And you expect me to believe you? Vilos Cohaagen : Who gives a shit what you believe? In thirty seconds you'll be dead, and I'll blow this place up and be home in time for corn flakes. I didn't want it to end this way, I wanted Hauser back, but nooo, you had to be Quaid. Douglas Quaid : I am Quaid. Vilos Cohaagen : You're nothing, you're nobody, you're a stupid dream. Well, all dreams come to an end. Melina : I can't believe it, it's like a dream. What's wrong? Douglas Quaid : I just had a terrible thought: what if this is a dream? Melina : Well then kiss me quick before you wake up. Douglas Quaid : See you at the party Richter! [While killing Benny with a large drill] Douglas Quaid : Hey, Benny; screw you! Douglas Quaid : Benny! Here! Benny : WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU? Douglas Quaid : SCREW YOU! Douglas Quaid : Cohaagen, you got what you wanted; you must give those people air! [Quaid enters a Johnnycab to escape from killers] Johnnycab : Please state your destination. Douglas Quaid : [absently] Shit! Johnnycab : I am not familiar with that destination! [Quaid wakes up in a Johnnycab] Douglas Quaid : Where am I? Johnnycab : You're in a Johnnycab. Douglas Quaid : What am I doing here? Johnnycab : I'm sorry. Would you please rephrase the question? Douglas Quaid : How did I get in this taxi? Johnnycab : The door opened. You got in. [the taxicab pulls up] Johnnycab : The fare is 18 credits please. [Quaid gets out] Douglas Quaid : Sue me, dickhead. Lori : Those assholes at Rekall have fucked up your mind. You're having paranoid delusions. [Quaid holds up his bloodied hands] Douglas Quaid : You call this a delusion? Vilos Cohaagen : You see, Quaid, none of my people could get near Kuato. Fucking mutants could always sniff us out. That's when Hauser and I sat down and invented you: Douglas Quaid, the perfect mole. Douglas Quaid : You know you're lying. Hauser turned against you. Vilos Cohaagen : No, Quaid. That's exactly what we wanted you to think. The truth is Hauser volunteered to become Doug Quaid, to have all his memories erased. It was the only way to fool the psychics. Douglas Quaid : Get your story straight. That idiot over there, Richter, has been trying to kill me ever since I went to Recall. You don't send your own men to kill a mole you're trying to plant. Vilos Cohaagen : That's because Richter wasn't in on it. You set him off by going to Recall. Douglas Quaid : So, why am I still alive? Vilos Cohaagen : We gave you lots of help. Benny here with his driving skills and wits... that man on Earth with the suitecase containing the money, the mask, the messages from Hauser. All of that was set up by us. Douglas Quaid : Bullshit! I still don't buy it. It's too perfect. Vilos Cohaagen : Perfect my ass! You go to Recall and pop your memory chip before we can activate you. Richter goes hog-wild and tries to kill you, bringing a lot of attention to us and ruining the plans I've spent a over year to prepare for. To be perfectly honest, I'm amazed it worked! Douglas Quaid : Excuse me, what's that? Burly Miner : You mean the Pyramid Mine? I used to work there, until they found all that alien shit inside. Douglas Quaid : Well it's a rumor isn't it? Burly Miner : Ha, think so? Benny : Hey man, I've got five kids to feed! [Quaid hands him a wad of cash] Douglas Quaid : Then take them to the dentist. Vilos Cohaagen : Well my boy, you're a hero! Douglas Quaid : Fuck you. Vilos Cohaagen : Now, now, don't be modest. [Benny shoots George/Kuato] Melina : How could you? You're a mutant. Benny : I've got four kids to feed. Douglas Quaid : So what happened to number five? Benny : Shit, man! You got me. I ain't even married. Now put your fuckin' hands in the air! Harry : Hey Quaid, how was your trip to Mars? Douglas Quaid : What trip? Harry : You went on a trip to Mars, remember? Douglas Quaid : I did? Harry : Yeah you did. I told you not to but you went anyway. Douglas Quaid : Ever heard of Rekall? They sell those fake memories. Harry : Oh, "Rekall, Rekall, Rekall". Why? You thinking of going? Douglas Quaid : I don't know, maybe. Harry : Well don't. A friend of mine tried one their "special offers", nearly got himself lobotamised. Douglas Quaid : No shit? Harry : Don't fuck with your brain, pal. It ain't worth it. Douglas Quaid : I guess not. Vilos Cohaagen : [Cohaagen has Quaid strapped into a memory machine and is about to turn him back into Hauser] Relax, Quaid. You'll like being Hauser. Douglas Quaid : The guy is a fucking asshole! Vilos Cohaagen : Not true. He's one of my best friends. Besides, he's got a big house and a Mercedes. And you like Melina, right? Well you get to fuck her every night. That's right, she's going to be Hauser's babe. Douglas Quaid : [old woman grabs briefcase left on sidewalk for Quaid] Excuse me, this is mine. Woman in Phone Booth : [struggling with him] I don't see your name on it! Douglas Quaid : I'm sorry, but I NEED it! [rips it away from her, walks away] Woman in Phone Booth : FUCK YOU, YOU ASSHOLE! [Quaid turns, bows] Movie Title: The Rundown (2003) as Arnold Schwarzenegger: Arnold Schwarzenegger : Have fun. Movie Title: Commando (1985) as Matrix: [Matrix has thrown a pipe through Bennett] Matrix : Let off some steam, Bennett. Sully : Here's twenty dollars to get some drinks in Val Verde. It'll give us all a little more time with your daughter. Henriques : Heh. Matrix : You're a funny man, Sully, I like you. That's why I'm going to kill you last. Matrix : Remember, Sully, when I promised to kill you last? Sully : That's right, Matrix. You did. Matrix : I lied. Cooke : You scared motherfucker? Well you should be because this green beret is going to kick your big ass. Matrix : I eat green berets for breakfast. And right now I'm very hungry. Cindy : I can't believe this macho bullshit. Matrix : I'll be back, Bennett. Matrix : Don't break radio silence until they see me. Cindy : How will I know? Matrix : Because all fucking hell is going to break loose. Matrix : [after killing a man in the plane] Don't disturb my friend, he's dead tired. [Cooke aims a gun at Matrix] Cooke : Fuck you asshole. [click] Matrix : Fuck you asshole. Cindy : What happened to Sully? Matrix : I let him go. [Plane will not start] Matrix : Fly or die. [Plane starts up] Matrix : Works every time. Gen. Kirby : Leave anything for us? Matrix : Just bodies. [Cindy uses a rocket launcher] Matrix : Where did you learn how to do that? Cindy : I read the instructions. Matrix : We'll take Cooke's car. He won't be needing it. Cindy : You don't even have a car. [Matrix pushes Sully's overturned car back upright] Matrix : I do now. Cindy : You steal my car, you rip the seat out, you kidnap me, you ask me to help you find your daughter which I very kindly do, and then you get me involved in a shoot out where people are dying and there's blood spurting all over the place, and then I watch you rip a phone booth out of a wall, swing from the ceiling like Tarzan, and then there's a cop that's going to shoot you and I save you and they start chasing me. Are you going to tell me what's going on or what? Matrix : No. Stewardess: Any carry-on luggage? Matrix : Just him. Matrix : A guy I trusted for years wants me dead. Cindy : I've only known you five minutes and I want you dead, too. Matrix : Come on, Bennett, throw away that chicken-shit gun. You don't just want to pull a trigger. Put the knife in me and look me in the eye and see what's going on in there when you turn it. Diaz : Okay, Matrix. We have your daughter. There is someone who wishes to talk to you. If you want to see her alive, you'll cooperate, right? Matrix : Wrong! [shoots Diaz between the eyes] [Matrix declines an offer to resume his unit] Matrix : This was the last time. Gen. Kirby : Until a next time. [pause] Matrix : No chance. Matrix : [reading about Boy George in a pop magazine] Why don't they just call him Girl George? It would cut down on the confusion. Movie Title: T2 3-D: Battle Across Time (1996) as The Terminator: [The Terminator destroys an endoskeleton] John Connor : Who was he? The Terminator : My college roommate. The Terminator : Hasta la vista, baby! The Terminator : I said I'd be back. John : That's Skynet? The Terminator : Yep. John : Can I ask why we're heading toward it? The Terminator : You don't want to know. The Terminator : Let's bust a move. The Terminator : John, please stop helping. Movie Title: Batman & Robin (1997) as Mr. Freeze / Victor Fries/Mr. Freeze / Freeze: Mr. Freeze : You're not sending ME to the COOLER! Cop: Please show some mercy! Freeze : I'm afraid my condition has left me cold to your pleas of mercy. Mr. Freeze : Tonight, hell freezes over! Victor Fries/Mr. Freeze : If I must suffer, humanity will suffer with me. Mr. Freeze : Hello, Sorry about the door, Is the party over? Henchman: Sir! Sir! You've gotta see this! [Freeze freezes him] Mr. Freeze : I hate it when they talk during the movie. Poison Ivy : He loves me. He loves me not. He loves me. He loves me ... Mr. Freeze : NOT! Surprise, I am your new cell mate. And I'm here to make your life a living hell. Prepare for a bitter harvest. Winter has come at last. Mr. Freeze : I will blanket the city in endless winter. First Gotham, and then the world. Poison Ivy : Just what I had in mind. Everything dead on earth, except us. A chance for Mother Nature to start again. Behold, the dawn of a new age. My mutant plants have the strength of the deadliest animals. Once you have frozen mankind, these babies will overrun the globe, and we shall rule them, for we will be the only two people left in the world. Mr. Freeze : Adam and Evil! Mr. Freeze : What killed the dinosaurs? The Ice Age! Mr. Freeze : In this universe, there's only one absolute... everything freezes! Movie Title: Predator (1987) as Dutch: Poncho : Major, you'd better take a look at this. Dutch : Did you find Hawkins? Poncho : I... I can't tell. Dutch : Hey Billy, give me a way out of this hole. Aerial says we are cut off. Billy : The only way outta here is that valley that leads to the east. But I wouldn't wish that on a broke-dick dog. Dutch : Not much choice. Dutch : What's the matter? The CIA got you pushing too many pencils? [after Dutch has nailed a guy to the wall with his knife] Dutch : Stick around. Dutch : If it bleeds, we can kill it. Dillon : We need the best. That's why you're here. Dutch : Go on. Dillon : Simple set-up. One day operation. We pick up their trail at the chopper, run 'em down, grab those hostages and bounce back across the border before anybody knows we were there. Dutch : Whaddya mean "we"? Dutch : Bleed, bastard. Dutch : What the hell ARE you? The Predator : What the hell are YOU? Dutch : You're one ugly motherfucker. Dillon : Look, we've been looking for this place for months. My men were in that chopper when it got hit! Hopper's orders were to go in and get my men and he disappeared. Dutch : He didn't disappear. He was skinned alive! Dutch : What happened to you, Dillon? You used to be someone I could trust. Dillon : I woke up. Why don't you? You're an asset. An expendable asset. And I used you to get the job done, got it? Dutch : Dillon. You son of a bitch. Dutch : We're a rescue team. Not assassins. Dutch : She's your baggage. You fall behind, and you're on your own. Billy : I don't believe he did; I can't find a single track. Dutch : What about the rest of Hoppers men? Billy : There's no sign, sir. They never left here. Hell, it's like they just disappeared. Dutch : He's killing us one at a time. [throttling Dillon] Dutch : You set us up. It was bullshit, all of it. Dutch : My team works alone, you know that. Dutch : My men are not expendable. And I don't do this kind of work. [Anna reaches for a gun] Dutch : Leave it. He didn't kill you because you weren't armed. No sport. [after knocking a door down] Dutch : Knock knock. Dillon : Hold it Dutch, I'm goin after Mac. Dutch : That's not your style, Dillon. Dillon : I guess I picked up some bad habbits from you, now get your people the hell out of here. Dutch : You can't win this Dillon. Dillon : Maybe I can get even. [Dillon walks away] Dutch : Dillon. [Dutch throws a machine gun to Dillon. They look at each other, knowing this is probably goodbye] Dillon : Just hold on to that goddamn chopper. Movie Title: Eraser (1996) as John: John : Lee, this is Father Rodriguez. Lee : How do you do? Father Rodriguez : Of course, I wasn't always Father Rodriguez. You might say I was born again, with a little help from our friend here. John : Some of his Colombian associates wanted to introduce him to God personally. Father Rodriguez : I've been given a second chance at life. I'm using it to do God's work. [the phone rings] Undersecretary of Defense Daniel Harper : It's for you. [takes the phone] Robert : Yeah? John : [over phone] You've just been erased. [the phone rings] Daniel Harper: It's for you. [takes the phone] Robert : Yeah? John : [over phone] You've just been erased. John : [to dead alligator] You're luggage! [John parachutes into a junkyard] John : Where is this? Camille : Earth. Welcome. Calderon : Don't you ever get tired of babysitting scumbags? John : Yeah, but in your case I'll make an exception. John : I work alone. If anyone comes to you and claims that I sent them... [reveals a gun] John : Don't move, you're dead. [takes a photo] [John knocks down a door and shoots a guy] Lee : You're late! John : Traffic. John : Drop your gun. Robert : What? John : If you drop your gun now, I promise I won't kill you. John : I work alone, you know that. Robert : Not today. [John wakes up from a drug-induced sleep] Robert : Confused, pal? New York. John : You're off course. Robert : No, no we're not. You're gonna take us to her John. [John reaches for his gun. Robert holds up his gun in a plastic bag] Robert : You did a very, very bad thing, John. You killed Monroe. Now that makes you the mole. John : No, that makes you a murderer. Agent: This is Special Agent John Kruger. He'll be handling your personal security. Lee : My protection? John : New identity, relocation, I'll take you through it step by step. Lee : What are you talking about? I'm not going anywhere! John : You're in an extremely high risk situation, Miss Cullen. That should've been explained to you. John : A major defense contractor is selling to terrorists on the black market. Tony Two Toes : [laughs] Mr. Sixty Minutes, tell me something I don't know. John : It's happening tonight, on your docks. Tony Two Toes : THAT I didn't know. [The limousine that Daniel Harper, Robert Deguerin, and Morehart were trapped in was just hit by a train] Lee : What happened? John : They caught a train. Johnny C : Was it your idea to hook me up with the Village People over there? John : Well, you're safe, aren't you? Johnny C : Well, from the Mob, yeah. I mean, no self-respecting wiseguy would be caught dead in a joint like this! [Johnny C is working as a bartender in a drag club. John comes to see him] Johnny C : I got one question: was it your idea to hook me up with the Village People here? John : Well, you're safe, aren't you? Johnny C : Well, from the mob, yeah. I mean no self-respecting wiseguy would ever be caught dead in a joint like this. Robert : Hey, John? That was good work last night. John : I had a good teacher. Robert : Bullshit. You had the best. Movie Title: The Villain (1979) as Handsome Stranger: Telegraph agent : (stuttering) W-w-w-h-y d-d-d-o you t-t-alk s-s-o f-f-u-nny? Handsome Stranger : [heavy Austrian accent] That's easy for you to say. [Charity is bending over while wearing a low cut dress] Charming Jones : Well, Handsome; would you like to grab a hold of these? Handsome Stranger : Sure. [picks up her luggage and walks off] [Handsome Stranger and Cactus Jack are about to shoot it out] Charming Jones : Just a minute! Now, Handsome, what are you planning to do if you win? Handsome Stranger : Well, I'm going to take the money and give it to your father like I promised and go on my way trying to do good. Charming Jones : And you, Cactus Jack? Cactus Jack : Well, first I'm going to kill him, then steal the money and ravish you within an inch of your life. Charming Jones : Too bad, Handsome; you lose. Handsome Stranger : This is a seven-shot six-shooter. Movie Title: Conan the Destroyer (1984) as Conan: Jehnna : I go where I feel myself led. Conan : So I've noticed. Jehnna : I suppose nothing hurts you. Conan : Only pain. Malak : I think we made the merchant angry. Conan : Are you surprised? Malak : But we didn't steal everything he had! Conan : We didn't have time. Malak : Why are they trying to kill us? Conan : Maybe the want to capture us, and torture us to death. Conan : Into the boat! Movie Title: Twins (1988) as Julius Benedict: Julius Benedict : Thank you for the cookies. I look forward to tossing them. Julius Benedict : If you're lying, I'll be back! Julius Benedict : The pavement was his enemy. Vincent Benedict : Money talks and bullshit walks! Julius Benedict : How can bullshit walk? Julius Benedict : For the first time in my life I am...pissed off! Vincent Benedict : You're a virgin! Julius Benedict : That's private. Vincent Benedict : A 230-pound virgin! Julius Benedict : You have no respect for logic. Vincent Benedict : But he's got an axe! Julius Benedict : My name is Julius and I am your twin brother. Vincent Benedict : Oh, obviously! The moment I sat down I thought I was looking into a mirror. Julius Benedict : Actually, I hate violence. Vincent Benedict : But you're so good at it! Julius Benedict : I don't know what the problem is, but I'm sure it can be solved without resorting to violence. Movie Title: Kindergarten Cop (1990) as Detective John Kimble: Mitch, the Dope Dealer : So who are you, man? [Kimble loads his shot-gun] Mitch, the Dope Dealer : Shit! Detective John Kimble : I'm the party pooper. [O'Hara rushes to the airplane's restroom] Flight Attendant: Is your wife okay, sir? Detective John Kimble : Compared to what? Detective John Kimble : There *is* no bathroom. Joseph : Boys have a penis, girls have a vagina! Detective John Kimble : Thanks for the tip. Detective John Kimble : We're going to play a wonderful game called..."Who is my daddy and what does he do?" Detective John Kimble : I'm a cop you idiot! Detective John Kimble : [to two gang members standing by his car] Oh, excuse me. I forgot to introduce myself. Detective John Kimble : My name is John Kimble [cocks shotgun] Detective John Kimble : , and I love my car. Gang Member: Yo, man, I'm just gonna keep a eye on it for you, all right? Gang Member: You got a beautiful ride. [As soon as Kimble is out of hearing range] Gang Member: Shit. Who he think he is? He's lucky I didn't kick his ass. Detective John Kimble : I Have a headache. Lowell : It might be a tumor. Detective John Kimble : It's not a tumor! Detective John Kimble : Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Miss Schlowski : What did it feel like to hit that son of a bitch? Detective John Kimble : It felt great. Detective John Kimble : Just don't throw up on me. Phoebe O'Hara : Nah, it's OK, I'm not gonna throw up on you. But I am gonna kiss you! Detective John Kimble : I really appreciate your honesty. You happen to know someone that is not better than me? Dominic : I don't know that many people. [John Kimble sees boy eating out of lunch boxes] Detective John Kimble : Are these all your lunches? [Boy shakes his head] Detective John Kimble : You mean you eat other people's lunches? [Boy nods] Detective John Kimble : STOP IT! [after the kids start complaining about "police school"] Detective John Kimble : Oh come on... STOP WHINING! You kids are soft! You lack discipline! WELL I'VE GOT NEWS FOR YOU, YOU ARE MINE NOW! YOU BELONG TO ME! Detective John Kimble : They're 6-year-old kids. How much trouble can they be? Phoebe O'Hara : On second thought, take the gun. Phoebe : Well, what are you going to do? Handcuff her to the bumper of your car and take her for a ride? Detective John Kimble : Let's just say I'm not going to offer to cook her dinner. Detective John Kimble : Emma, take your toy back to the carpet and sit down. Emma : I'm not a policeman, I'm a princess! Detective John Kimble : Take your toy back to the carpet! Emma : [softly] I'm not policeman, I'm princess. Detective John Kimble : TAKE IT BACK! Emma : [miserable] All right. |
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