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 Peter Cook Quotation"I could have been a Judge, but I never had the Latin for the judgin'. I never had it, so I'd had it, as far as being a judge was concerned." (Beyond the Fringe/Seceret Policeman) "If you ever want to hear a boring conversation, why, pop down the mine. There it'll be!" (Beyond the Fringe/Seceret Policeman) "Be very careful not to drop it on your foot then, ha ha ha!" (Beyond the Fringe/Seceret Policeman) "Never you mind, my dear, " I said to her, "you put on the kettle. We'll have ourselves a nice cup of tea." (Portraying a casting director turning down a one-legged man for the role of Tarzan) "I've got nothing against your right leg. The trouble is, neither have you." Movie Title: The Wrong Box (1966) as Morris Finsbury / Morris: Morris Finsbury : Now what we need is a venal doctor. John Finsbury : But - Uncle Joseph's dead! It's too late! Morris Finsbury : Not for him, for us! Now, you remember that chambermaid you got into... um... John Finsbury : ...thing. Morris Finsbury : Thing. Who was the doctor who did the, um... John Finsbury : ...thing. Uh, Pratt, Dr. Pratt. Morris Finsbury : Was he venal? John Finsbury : I - I didn't like to ask. Morris Finsbury : Well, did he do the... John Finsbury : ...thing. Yes. Morris Finsbury : Good. John Finsbury : But... what's he got to do with it? Morris Finsbury : He's part of the plan. Now you and I are the only two people in the world who *know* that Uncle Joseph is, uh... John Finsbury : ...thing. Morris Finsbury : ...dead. Dr. Pratt: Well, it'll cost you five shillings. Morris Finsbury : Price is no object. Dr. Pratt: Right. Ten shillings, then. Payable in advance. Morris Finsbury : I collect eggs, Doctor. Dr. Pratt: Eggs, yes. Oh, I enjoy an egg myself, yes. They don't make good pets, though; you can never get them in at night. [last lines] Detective : All right, come on, come on, what's going on? Come on, what is it? Come on! Clergyman : Please, sir, I beg of you, there's a dead man here. Detective : All right, no one move! [long pause while he realizes it's a church burial] Detective : Finsbury? Michael Finsbury , Julia Finsbury , Masterman Finsbury , Joseph Finsbury , Morris , John Finsbury : Yes? Detective : MORRIS Finsbury! John Finsbury : [turning Morris around and pointing at him] Yes. Detective : Morris Finsbury, I arrest you for stealing £100,000. Lawyer Patience: But the money has been returned, sir. Detective : Who are you, sir? Some sort of accomplice? Lawyer Patience: Certainly not: I am his solicitor. Detective : Oh, you've brought your solicitor with you, have you? Yes, I've met your type before. Lawyer Patience: No, no, no. I mean, I, I, I'm the administrator of the tontine. Detective : Tontine? Joseph Finsbury : Named after Lorenzo Tonti, a Neapolitan banker. Detective : And who are you, sir?! Joseph Finsbury : I-- Masterman Finsbury : [interrupting] He's nobody. He's my young brother. Detective : And who are you, sir? Masterman Finsbury : None of your business, sir! Detective : I shall have you arrested for indecent exposure! Julia Finsbury : Oh! Michael Finsbury : My grandfather was recently buried, sir. Detective : And who are you, sir? Julia Finsbury : He is Michael Finsbury. Detective : And who are YOU, madam?! Michael Finsbury : She is Julia Finsbury, shortly to become... Julia Finsbury! Detective : Young man, did you know there was a body in the piano? Peacock : I did it. Detective : Who is he? Michael Finsbury : He is the butler, sir. Detective : The butler did it?? Michael Finsbury : No, sir. I put the body there. Detective : Is this true? Michael Finsbury : Yes sir. Detective : In that case, you are entitled to a reward of £1,000. You are responsible for bringing the Bournemouth Strangler to his just end. Michael Finsbury : A, a thousand pounds? Oh, but I-I-I don't, I don't deserve it. The body just arrived in a barrel. John Finsbury : I sent it. Detective : And who are you, sir? Morris Finsbury : He is of diminished responsibility, officer. It was all my doing. If there's any justice in this naughty world, the reward is mine. Detective : And WHO are YOU?! [falls into open grave] Morris Finsbury : You remember me -- Morris Finsbury. I was falsely accused of stealing a hundred thousand pounds, whereas in fact it was me, and me alone, who was responsible for bringing the Bournemouth Strangler to his just desserts. Movie Title: Bedazzled (1967) as George Spiggott: George Spiggott : What terrible sins I have working for me. I suppose it's the wages. George Spiggott : You fill me with inertia. George Spiggott : Don't let me interfere with your doing away with yourself. George Spiggott : You realize that suicide's a criminal offense. In less enlightened times they'd have hung you for it. George Spiggott : I'm the Horned One. The Devil. Let me give you my card. [Searching for change] George Spiggott : Oh, um, have you got sixpence? I've only got a million-pound note. George Spiggott : You're not wearing nylon underwear, are you? It disintegrates at high speeds. George Spiggott : This is the club room. Quite nicely decorated and painted - early Hitler. George Spiggott : You see, a soul's rather like your appendix: totally expendable. George Spiggott : It's the standard contract. Gives you seven wishes in accordance with the mystic rules of life. Seven Days of the Week, Seven Deadly Sins, Seven Seas, Seven Brides for Seven Brothers... George Spiggott : All we need to do now, then, is get it witnessed. Sloth would be best. He's a lawyer. George Spiggott : Now, then, what'd you like to be first? Prime Minister? Oh, no, I've made that deal already. George Spiggott : You're quite safe. It's only a 300-foot drop. George Spiggott : The garden of Eden was a boggy swamp just south of Croydon. You can see it over there. George Spiggott : [to Lust] Pick your clothes up. You're due down at the Foreign Office. George Spiggott : There was a time when I used to get lots of ideas... I thought up the Seven Deadly Sins in one afternoon. The only thing I've come up with recently is advertising. George Spiggott : Everything I've ever told you has been a lie. Including that. Stanley Moon : Including what? George Spiggott : That everything I've ever told has been a lie. That's not true. Stanley Moon : I don't know WHAT to believe. George Spiggott : Not me, believe me! George Spiggott : Just putting a tiny little ventilation hole in this oil tanker. George Spiggott : Most of the saints throughout history have been a pain in the neck. George Spiggott : Job was what you'd technically describe as a loony. George Spiggott : Tell God not to go away. I'll be back in a minute. George Spiggott : [to God] All right, you great git, you've asked for it. I'll cover the world in Tastee-Freez and Wimpy Burgers. George Spiggott : [on telephone] Mrs. Fitch? Mrs. Fitch: Speaking. George Spiggott : Abercrombie here. I work with your husband. Mrs. Fitch: Oh, yes. George Spiggott : I thought you'd like to know that he's just checked into the Cheeseborough Hotel Brighton with his secretary Fiona. Good-bye. George Spiggott : And the magic word: Julie Andrews! Movie Title: Yellowbeard (1983) as Lord Lambourn: Lord Lambourn : I thought this was an atoll. Dr. Gilpin : Not at all. Movie Title: Without a Clue (1988) as Greenhough: [Watson reveals the ongoing deception to his publisher] Greenhough : We'll start at the beginning, shall we? Dr. Watson : It was about nine years ago. One of my patients was a Scotland Yard inspector investigating the Paxton murder case. I give him the name of the murderer, but gave credit to a, heh, nonexistent detective. At the time, I was hoping for an appointment to the staff of a rather conservative medical college; I... knew that they'd frown on my little, uh... Greenhough : Hobby... Dr. Watson : Exactly. Well, I didn't get the appointment. Instead, what I got was a quite unanticipated public demand to meet this "Sherlock Holmes." Greenhough : So you hired this Reginald Kincaid. Dr. Watson : He was an actor. Unfortunately, he was also a gambler, a womanizer, and a drunkard. Greenhough : John, you have jeopardized the integrity of English literature! Still, I should have known. He was always borrowing large sums of money off me and, uh, never paying me back. Dr. Watson : The cad! Greenhough : Oh, don't worry, we deducted it from your royalties. Dr. Watson : But it's time now for the public to learn the truth! Greenhough : The - truth? Dr. Watson : Certainly. No one will want to read of that twit again. His popularity will plummet. They'll be desperate for my new creation. Greenhough : What new creation? Dr. Watson : John Watson, the Crime Doctor! I can have it ready for your very next issue. Movie Title: Supergirl (1984) as Nigel: Nigel : Oh, pathetic. The old dangling-in-a-cage routine. Nigel : I have a secret... Selena : Good idea Nigel! Best write it down before you forget it! Nigel : When you left me there in the park I saw something that should greatly worry you. Mine was blue and red, and it knew how to fly. Selena : I have a secret too, Nigel. I have the POWER! Get that through your head. Nigel : I bet they're really in for it now! Selena : Count on it! Nigel : You girls are rank amateurs playing with fire. Selena : Because we own the matches. Nigel : I want to make a very serious proposal. Selena : In that outfit? Nigel : What's going on? Hey! What's going on? Selena : I've just outgrown you Nigel, these things happen! Nigel : You CAN'T treat me like this Selena! Without me you'd still be reading tea leaves at lake Taho! Movie Title: The Princess Bride (1987) as The Impressive Clergyman: The Impressive Clergyman : Mawage. Mawage is wot bwings us togeder tooday. Mawage, that bwessed awangment, that dweam wifin a dweam... [cut to Westley, Inigo, and Fezzik] The Impressive Clergyman : And wuv, tru wuv, will fowow you foweva... [cut to the trio again] The Impressive Clergyman : So tweasure your wuv. Prince Humperdinck : Skip to the end. The Impressive Clergyman : Have you the wing? [cut to the trio once more] Prince Humperdinck : Man and wife. Say man and wife. The Impressive Clergyman : Man an' wife. |
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