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 Danny DeVito QuotationMovie Title: The Ratings Game (1984) as Vic De Salvo: Francine Kester : What a place you've got here. Vic De Salvo : Yeah. Francine Kester : You're not an Arab, so you must be a drug dealer. Vic De Salvo : I didn't make a move on you for four days. If that isn't love, I don't know what is. Movie Title: Renaissance Man (1994) as Bill Rago: [Talking about Shakespeare to the class] Bill Rago : He wrote plays. Plays...? You know, like TV without the box. Bill Rago : GO NAVY. Bill Rago : Hi. I'm Bill Rago. I've never taught before and you've never thought before. So good luck to all of us. [Bill writes "oxymoron" on the board] Pvt. Jamaal Montgomery : You can't say that. That is a diss. I ain't no ox moron. Bill Rago : No, no, no not ox moron, oxymoron... schmuck. Bill Rago : All I know is, the choices you make dictate the life you lead. To thine own self be true. [Melvin is reading a passage from HAMLET in a monotone voice] Bill Rago : Melvin, read the rest of it when you come out of the coma. [reading Hamlet] Pvt. Jamaal Mongomerey : Bill, are you gonna translate this? Bill Rago : Why? It's in English. Bill Rago : Write... why you're here. Tommy Lee Haywood: This is where they told us to be. Bill Rago : No, no. Write about the magical twist of fate that prompted you to gravitate towards this institute of imbeciles. Double Ds: Huh? Bill Rago : Write why you joined the Army! Movie Title: Hoffa (1992) as Bobby Ciaro: Bobby Ciaro : There's a time to shirk, and a time to work. Bobby Ciaro : He wants to know what you're scared of. Hoffa : Tell him it's none of his fucking business. Bobby Ciaro : One day you're gonna be President of the United States, Jim. Jimmy Hoffa : Fuck that. One day I'll be president of the Teamsters. Bobby Ciaro : There's a time to shirk, and a time to work. [While handcuffed] Bobby Ciaro : I can't even scratch myself. Hoffa : Do you itch? Bobby Ciaro : No. Hoffa : Then what the fuck are you complaining for? Bobby Ciaro : He wants to know what you're scared of. Hoffa : Tell him it's none of his fucking business. Bobby Ciaro : One day your gonna be president of the United States Jim Hoffa : Fuck that. One day I'll be president of the Teamsters. Movie Title: The Big Kahuna (1999) as Phil Cooper: Larry Mann : Do I strike you as a particularly religious man, Phil? Phil Cooper : Not even the slightest. Larry Mann : Then why am I seized with a sudden overwhelming desire to pray? Phil Cooper : I'm saying you've already done plenty of things to regret, you just don't know what they are. It's when you discover them, when you see the folly in something you've done, and you wish that you had it do over, but you know you can't, because it's too late. So you pick that thing up, and carry it with you to remind you that life goes on, the world will spin without you, you really don't matter in the end. Then you will gain character, because honesty will reach out from inside and tattoo itself across your face. Phil Cooper : A man hasn't any idea what his soul looks like until he gazes into the eyes for the woman that he's married to. And then, if he's any kind of decent human being, he spends the next couple of days throwing up. Because no honest man can stand that image. Phil Cooper : It doesn't matter whether you're selling Jesus or Buddha or civil rights or 'How to Make Money in Real Estate With No Money Down.' That doesn't make you a human being; it makes you a marketing rep. If you want to talk to somebody honestly, as a human being, ask him about his kids. Find out what his dreams are - just to find out, for no other reason. Because as soon as you lay your hands on a conversation to steer it, it's not a conversation anymore; it's a pitch. And you're not a human being; you're a marketing rep. Movie Title: Look Who's Talking Now (1993) as Rocks: Rocks : Ma, hey Ma! Check it out! I got these things on my face to open. I can see! I can see... wrinkly butts. Yuck! Rocks's mother: Oh, they're not mine. They're your brothers' and sisters.' Rocks : Good. That makes me the cute one. [Daphne and Rocks are starting at each other] Julie Ubriacco : Look! They like each other! James : [to Mollie] See honey, they like each other. Daphne : Mongrel. Rocks : Bitch. Movie Title: Living Out Loud (1998) as Pat: Judith Moore : I want to feel my life. I want to stop agreeing to things, I don't really want. Pat : Then stop! Movie Title: Junior (1994) as Dr. Larry Arbogast / Larry: Larry : You think you're the first clown whoever woke up and said "I'm bored, I think I'll have a kid!" Dr. Diana Reddin : What do you mean, what am I doing here? It's my baby, not yours! Dr. Larry Arbogast : Hey. I put it in there. Dr. Diana Reddin : It's MY EGG! Dr. Larry Arbogast : Yeah, just 'cause your egg's in some guy doesn't make you the mother! Movie Title: The War of the Roses (1989) as Gavin: Barbara Rose : Have you ever made angry love? Gavin : Is there any other way? Gavin : Oliver, my father used to say that a man can never outdo a woman when it comes to love and revenge. Gavin : There is no winning! Only degrees of losing! Movie Title: One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest (1975) as Martini: [The inmates are playing cards and betting with cigarettes] Martini : [rips a cigarette in half] I bet a nickel. McMurphy : Dime's the limit, Martini. Martini : I bet a dime. [Puts the two halves onto the table] McMurphy : This is not a dime, Martini. This is a dime. [shows a whole cigarette] McMurphy : If you break it in half, you don't get two nickels, you get shit. Try and smoke it. You understand? Martini : Yes. McMurphy : You don't understand. Movie Title: Johnny Dangerously (1984) as D.A. Burr: D.A. Burr : (On Johnny Dangerously's payroll) Why don't you ease into the job, by taking a vacation? Tommy Kelly : But what about crime? D.A. Burr : Don't worry. It'll still be here when you get back! Movie Title: Man on the Moon (1999) as George Shapiro: George Shapiro : You're insane, but you might also be brilliant. [At a meeting with the NBC executives] George Shapiro : Andy Kauffman is Tony Clifton. And Tony Clifton is Andy Kauffman. They'll deny it up and down, but believe me, it's true! George Shapiro : Your material doesn't exactly transfer to film. Movie Title: Matilda (1996) as Harry Wormwood / Narrator: [first lines] Narrator : Everyone is born, but not everyone is born the same. Some will grow to be butchers, or bakers, or candlestick makers. Some will only be really good at making Jell-O salad. One way or another, though, every human being is unique, for better or for worse. [Harry takes his first look at Matilda, grunts, and leaves] Narrator : Most parents believe their children are the most beautiful creatures ever to grace the planet. Others take a less emotional approach: Harry Wormwood : What a waste of time! Zinnia Wormwood : And painful! Harry Wormwood : And expensive... $9.25 for a bar of soap? Zinnia Wormwood : Well, I had to take a shower, Harry! Harry Wormwood : $5,000? I'm not paying it! What are they going to do, repossess the kid? Zinnia Wormwood : Look, Miss Snit, a girl does not get anywhere by acting intelligent! I mean, take a look at you and me. You chose books - I chose looks. I have a nice house, a wonderful husband... and you are slaving away teaching snot-nosed children their ABCs. You want Matilda to go to college? Ha, ha, ha ha... Harry Wormwood : College? I didn't go to college. I don't know anybody who did. Bunch of hippies and cesspool salesmen, ha ha ha ha... Miss Jennifer 'Jenny' Honey : Don't sneer at educated people, Mr. Wormwood. If you became ill, heaven forbid, your doctor would be a college graduate. Harry Wormwood : Yeah... Miss Jennifer 'Jenny' Honey : Or - or say you were sued for selling a faulty car. The lawyer who defended you would have gone to college too. Harry Wormwood : What car? Sued by who? Who you been talking to? Harry Wormwood : A book? What do you want a book for? Matilda Wormwood : To read. Harry Wormwood : To read? Why would you want to read when you got the television set sitting right in front of you? There's nothing you can get from a book that you can't get from a television faster. Harry Wormwood : I'm smart; you're dumb. I'm big; you're little. And there's nothing you can do about it. Agatha Trunchbull : I need a car, inexpensive but reliable. Can you service me? Harry Wormwood : In a manner of speaking, yes. Uh, welcome to Wormwood Motors. Harry Wormwood, owner, founder, whatever. Agatha Trunchbull : Agatha Trunchbull, principal, Crunchem Hall Elementary School. Harry Wormwood : Huh. Agatha Trunchbull : I warn you, sir, I want a tight car, because I run a tight ship. Harry Wormwood : Oh yeah, huh, well, uh... Agatha Trunchbull : My school is a model of discipline! Use the rod, beat the child, that's my motto. Harry Wormwood : Terrific motto! Agatha Trunchbull : You have brats yourself? Harry Wormwood : Yeah, I got a boy, Mikey, and one mistake, Matilda. Agatha Trunchbull : They're all mistakes, children! Filthy, nasty things. Glad I never was one. [after listing prices of cars bought and sold] Harry Wormwood : What was my profit for the day? Michael 'Mikey' Wormwood : Could you repeat the last one? Matilda Wormwood : [interrupting] $10,265. [long pause] Matilda Wormwood : Check it if you don't believe me. Harry Wormwood : You're a little cheat. You saw the paper. Matilda Wormwood : From all the way over here? Harry Wormwood : Are you being smart with me? If you're being smart with me, young lady, you're going to be punished. Matilda Wormwood : Punished for being smart? Harry Wormwood : For being a smart aleck! When a person is bad, that person has to be ought a lesson! Matilda Wormwood : Person? Harry Wormwood : Get up, get up... Narrator : Harry Wormwood had unintentionally given his daughter the first practical advice she could use. He had meant to say, "When a child is bad." Instead he said, "When a person is bad." And thereby introduced a revolutionary idea: that children could punish their parents. Only when they deserved it, of course. Matilda Wormwood : I love it here! I love my school... it isn't fair! Miss Honey, please don't let them... Harry Wormwood : [interrupting] Get in the car, Melinda! Matilda Wormwood : Matilda! Harry Wormwood : Whatever. Matilda Wormwood : I want to stay with Miss Honey. Zinnia Wormwood : Miss Honey doesn't want you. Why would she want some snotty, disobedient kid? Miss Jennifer 'Jenny' Honey : Because she's a spectacularly wonderful child and I love her. Matilda Wormwood : Adopt me, Miss Honey! You can adopt me. Harry Wormwood : Look, I don't have time for all these legalities! Matilda Wormwood : One second, Dad. I have the adoption papers. Zinnia Wormwood : What? Where did you get those? Matilda Wormwood : From a book in the library. I've had them since I was big enough to Xerox. Narrator : Dirty dealings, like buying stolen car parts, never stay secret for long. Especially when the FBI gets involved. First FBI Agent: [into recorder] 9:17, suspect exits domicile. Second FBI Agent: I've got 9:18. First FBI Agent: [into recorder] 9:17 is correct. Harry Wormwood : Any packages come today? Matilda Wormwood : Mm-mm. Harry Wormwood : [noticing her books] Where'd all this come from? Matilda Wormwood : The library. Harry Wormwood : The library? You've never set foot in a library. You're only four years old. Matilda Wormwood : Six-and-a-half. Harry Wormwood : You're four! Matilda Wormwood : Six-and-a-half! Harry Wormwood : If you were six-and-a-half, you'd be in school already. Matilda Wormwood : I want to be in school. I told you I was supposed to start school in September. You wouldn't listen. Harry Wormwood : Get up, get up, get out of here, give me that book. [He drags Matilda, throwing the book aside, to where Zinnia is] Harry Wormwood : Dearest pie, how old is Matilda? Zinnia Wormwood : Four. Matilda Wormwood : I'm six-and-a-half, mommy! Zinnia Wormwood : Five, then! Matilda Wormwood : I was six in August. Harry Wormwood : You're a liar. Matilda Wormwood : I want to go to school. Harry Wormwood : School? It's out of the question. Who would be here to sign for the packages? We can't leave valuable packages sitting out on the doorstep. Now go watch TV like a good kid. [Matilda leaves] Zinnia Wormwood : You know, sometimes I think there's something wrong with that girl. Harry Wormwood : Hmph, tell me about it. Matilda Wormwood : It's not trash, daddy. It's lovely. Moby Dick by Herman Melville. Harry Wormwood : Moby WHAT? Harry Wormwood : Since you're an educator, I'll make you a deal. Agatha Trunchbull : You'd better. Harry Wormwood : Let's do business. Movie Title: The Jewel of the Nile (1985) as Ralph: [At a Sufi celebration] Ralph : Look at these guys, Colton. No sheep is safe tonight. Ralph : You're all I thought about for six months. They threw me in a jail filled with rejects from the communicable disease ward. Every wacko, drippy, open-sored low-life was in that joint, all of them wanting to hire on as my proctologist. Jewel : I am the Jewel of the Nile. Ralph : Yeah, and I'm a kumquat from Queens. Movie Title: Austin Powers: Goldmember (2002) as Famous Mini-Me: Famous Dr. Evil : Careful Mr. Powers, 'cause this is one doctor that does make house calls. [camera pans over to... ] Famous Mini-Me : Hey you assholes. I'm Mini-Me. Movie Title: The Rainmaker (1997) as Deck Shiffler: Deck Shiffler : You remember what a Rainmaker is, kid? The bucks are going to start falling from the sky. Movie Title: What's the Worst That Could Happen? (2001) as Max Fairbanks: Max Fairbanks : Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Max Fairbanks : Nobody talks to me that way! NOBODY! Gloria : I do! Max Fairbanks : That turns me on! Max Fairbanks : I robbed a thief! How can you not see the humor in that? Gloria : Tread a level course. Max Fairbanks : What did the Boston Times call me? Gloria : The Dark Prince of Plunder. Max Fairbanks : [bleep] you and [bleep] Max Fairbanks : your girlfriend! Max Fairbanks : Up yours, you fat pig! Judge : Sell the house! Max Fairbanks : Up yours, you fat pig! Edwina : Why is it that every time Kevin's in trouble, we drop our things, but when I want help, you act like you're through a tunnel and can't hear me? Windham : Maybe because I *like* Kevin! Max Fairbanks : Total stranger. Très bizarre. Max Fairbanks : [bleep] you and [bleep] Max Fairbanks : your girlfriend! Max Fairbanks : You know what you can do for me, scumbucket? You can [bleep] Max Fairbanks : my [bleep] Max Fairbanks : ! Movie Title: Drowning Mona (2000) as Chief Wyatt Rash / Wyatt Rash: Chief Wyatt Rash : My mother always used to say, "When life hands you potatoes, make potato salad." Mona Dearly : Yeah? Well life handed me a pile of shit. What am I supposed to do with that?! Phil Dearly : Make shit salad? Bobby Kalzone : It's been different since Jeff killed Peaches. Wyatt Rash : Jeff killed Peaches? I thought it was the other way around. Bobby Kalzone : Peaches killed Jeff? Chief Wyatt Rash : Tell me something Cubby, you notice anything odd lately? Chief Wyatt Rash : Along those lines. Movie Title: Hercules (1997) as Phil: Meg : Is Wonderboy here for real? Phil : What are you talking about? Of course he's real. And by the way, sweetcheeks, I'm real too. Phil : I trained them all! Odysseus... Perseus... Theseus... a lot of sus-es. [After almost getting knocked down by a chariot (c.f. Movie Title: Midnight Cowboy)] Phil : Hey, I'm *walkin'* here! Phil : [running behind Hercules] I'm right behind ya, kid. [panting] Phil : I'm way behind ya, kid. Ooh, I got a fur wedgie. Young Hercules : But, please! If I don't become a true hero, I'll never be able to rejoin my father, Zeus! Phil : Hold it! Zeus is your father, right? Young Hercules : Mmm-hm. Phil : Ha-ha-ha! Zeus! The big guy! He's your daddy! Ha-ha! "Read me a book, would you, da-da?" Ha-ha! Zeus! [Mimics Zeus] Phil : "Once upon a time - " Ha-ha! Young Hercules : But it's the truth! Phil : Please! Movie Title: Mars Attacks! (1996) as Rude Gambler: Rude Gambler : You wanna conquer the world, you're going to need lawyers, right? Movie Title: Other People's Money (1991) as Lawrence Garfield: Kate Sullivan : Someday the laws will change to put you out of business. Lawrence Garfield : Change the laws all you want, but you can't stop the game. I'll still by here. I adapt. [Kate offers Lawrence 'greenmail' to drop an unfriendly take-over bid] Kate Sullivan : It's not illegal. Lawrence Garfield : It's immoral - a distinction lawyers ignore. Lawrence Garfield : I love money more than the things it can buy... but what I love more than money is other people's money. Lawrence Garfield : Since when do you have to be hungry to eat a doughnut. It doesn't taste any better. Lawrence Garfield : Make as much as you can for as long as you can. Whoever has the most when he dies is the winner. Lawrence Garfield : I take from the Rich, I give to the middle class... Well, the upper middle class. Lawrence Garfield : I gave her "Hiawatha" when all she wanted was a touchdown. Lawrence Garfield : I never met a person so hard to feed. Lawrence Garfield : We make passionate love the rest of the night. The first one that comes, loses. Movie Title: Big Fish (2003) as Amos Calloway: Amos Calloway : Her favorite flower is daffodils Young Ed Bloom : Daffodils. [smiles] [Amos returns from the woods after being a wolf for an night] Amos Calloway : Did I kill anything? Young Ed Bloom : Only two or three rabbits, and one was already dead, I think. Amos Calloway : I see. That explains the indigestion. Amos Calloway : She likes music. Young Ed Bloom : [smiles] Music. She likes music. Amos Calloway : You were a big fish in a small pond, but this here is the ocean and your drownin'. Take my advice, go back to puddleville, you'll be happy there. Amos Calloway : I haven't seen a customer this depressed since that elephant sat on the farmer's wife! [laughs, beat] Amos Calloway : Depressed? Young Ed Bloom : I just saw the woman I'm going to marry, and I lost her. Young Ed Bloom : Now I may not have much, but I have more determination then any man you're likely to ever meet. Movie Title: Taxi (1978) as Louie De Palma: Louie De Palma : Whenever I hear the word "marriage," I say, "Check, please!" [Latka pays Louie a coin] Louie De Palma : What's this? Latka Gravas : It's a kebble. Louie De Palma : What's a kebble? Latka Gravas : 110 kebble make a lithnitch. Louie De Palma : What's a lithnich? Latka Gravas : 270 lithnich make a matta. Louie De Palma : What's a matta? Latka Gravas : I don't know, what's the matter with you? Louie De Palma : Do you know what the difference is between people like you and people like me, Nardo? Alex Rieger : Yeah, two million years of evolution. Louie De Palma : I know what love is cuz I watch talk shows. Love is the end of happiness! Louie De Palma : Get that ugly, flea-ridden, stinking animal out of my garage, and tell him to take his horse with him! Louie De Palma : Ignatowski's got a father? There goes my spore theory! Louie De Palma : Hey, Bobby, I hope someone slams a door on your face, you sneeze, and your head explodes. Monica Banta : You must be Louie. Louie De Palma : How did you know my name? Monica Banta : I only had three people described to me. One was smart, one was good-looking, and one was you. Louie De Palma : What're you listening to, Banta? Tony Banta : I can be here if I want to. Louie De Palma : No, you can't. Tony Banta : This is America, Louie. Louie De Palma : No, it isn't. Tony Banta : It isn't? Louie De Palma : No! This is Louieland. You want America, go outside! Zena Sherman : You got an attitude problem, you got a personality problem, you got a sensitivity problem, you got an emotional problem, you got a maturity problem, you got a sexual problem... Louie De Palma : What do you mean? Zena Sherman : That's all you think about! Louie De Palma : And that's the problem? Zena Sherman : Yeah. Louie De Palma : Whew! Louie De Palma : Jim, your father is no longer with us. "Reverend" Jim Ignatowski : He never was. He lives in Boston. Louie De Palma : No, I mean, he's gone on to his final resting place. "Reverend" Jim Ignatowski : A condo in Palm Beach? Louie De Palma : Ignatowski! Where have you been all week? "Reverend" Jim Ignatowski : I don't work weekends. Louie De Palma : You been gone nine days! "Reverend" Jim Ignatowski : Yeah... Tony Banta : Jim, weekends are only two days. "Reverend" Jim Ignatowski : Oh, I thought we'd switched to the metric system. Louie De Palma : He'll be back... they all come back... the only one who never came back was James Caan... and I'm still waitin'! Louie De Palma : Huskies, I hate 'em. Louie De Palma : Some men climb mountains, others date 'em! Louie De Palma : That dame is older than the Continental Shelf! Elaine Nardo : [Louie has just admitted his mother needs an operation] What's wrong with her? Louie De Palma : Female problems, she's starting not to look like one. Movie Title: Romancing the Stone (1984) as Ralph: Ralph : Hey Ira, the kid's here with the broad. They're taking her out to the boat. I got a real bad feeling about this one Ira, real bad. Ira : Will you look at those snappers Ralph! Ralph : Someone's about to get killed here and you're farting around with prehistoric animals. We've stolen enough of these antique trinkets to keep us living comfortably for the rest of our lives. Let's kiss off this third world toilet. Ira : Would I ever hurt you, have I ever hurt you? No! You know why? We got the same blood! Would I hurt me? Ira : Out of all the things you could say to me right now, 'I've lost her', Ralph, is gonna get the most teeth broken in your mouth. Ralph : Look, bullet head, if they're hiking through the jungle there's nothing I can do about it. I have a car. I am not Tarzan. Ira : Of all the things you could say to me right now, 'I lost her,' Ralph, is gonna get the most teeth broken in your mouth. Ralph : Look bullethead. If they're hiking through the jungle there's nothing I can do about it. I have a car. I am not Tarzan. I have been through every one horse shithole for a 200 mile radius. You should of seen the river I had to traverse this morning. So don't give me any of your crap, you gutless wonder. Ira : Do they know who you are? Ralph : Oh, what, do you think I'm going up and introducing myself to every cop in the pueblo? Movie Title: Ruthless People (1986) as Sam Stone: [Complaining about his wife's wealthy father] Sam Stone : They pulled the plug on him. He wheezed and shook for about an hour and then... he stabilized. That son-of-a-bitch just got older and sicker, and older and sicker, AND OLDER AND SICKER...! [Barbara has been kidnaped] Barbara : My husband worships the ground I walk on! When he hears about this, he will *explode*! [Meanwhile, Sam Stone pops a champagne cork with glee] Sam Stone : Bye-bye, Barbara! [Introducing his wife's toy poodle to his new Doberman pinscher] Sam Stone : Muffy, meet Adolph. Adolph, EAT MUFFY! [About his wife and his plan to murder her] Sam Stone : I had to live with that squealing, corpulent little toad all these years. God, I hate that woman. I - I - I hate the way she licks stamps! I hate her furniture! And I hate that little sound she makes when she sleeps. [Sam imitates a whining nasal sound] Sam Stone : Ugh! And that filthy little shitbag dog of hers..."Muffy"! Carol : Aren't you scared? Sam Stone : Scared? Hell, no. I'm looking FORWARD to it. My only regret, Carol, is that the plan isn't more violent. Sam Stone : [answering the phone] Hello? Debbie? Yeah, Debbie's here, who's this? Well, Ralph, uh, Debbie can't talk right now, my dick's in her mouth. How about if I have her call you back later when I'm done? [hangs up and laughs] Sam Stone : I love wrong numbers. Policeman: Sam Stone, you're under arrest. Sam Stone : For mixing cotton with silk? Sam Stone : What's this phone call about? Ken Kessler : We call to make you an offer. An offer you can't refuse. Sam Stone : Low? Ken Kessler : Yeah, $10,000. Sam Stone : Fat chance! Ken Kessler : Mr. Stone, this is no joke! We're desperate people! We... Sam Stone : Time out! I believe this is a joke pal and you're it! The last time we spoke you said my wife would be in the morgue if I didn't pay. Well, I didn't pay and just today I was at the morgue and she wasn't there. You lied to me! You know what I think? Ken Kessler : [beat] No. Sam Stone : You got no nuts! What do I have to do? Put a gun in your hand, aim and pull your finger down you spineless wimp! I dare you to kill her! [Sam hangs up] Sam Stone : Now that oughta do it! Sam Stone : A bad salesman will automatically drop his price. Bad salesmen make me sick. [Later, Ken calls Sam, who says he doesn't have enough money for the ransom] Ken Kessler : Well, what about... less? Sam Stone : [covers the phone] You make me sick. [Sam is on the phone to an attack-dog company] Sam Stone : Yes, your attack dogs. Do they just attack people or can you get them to attack little dogs? [listening] Sam Stone : Well, what if you starve them for a while? [One of the policemen notices a puddle on the floor of the mansion and takes a taste. Sam quickly explains] Sam Stone : It's the dog. She's not properly house-trained. [the other policemen look disgusted] Policeman: No. It's sweet. Sam Stone : The dog's a little diabetic. Sam Stone : I'm not asking you to screw the dog, Carol. It's for me.! Movie Title: The 61st Annual Golden Globe Awards (2004) as Danny DeVito: Danny DeVito : Thank you, thagnk you. It's really good to see a couple of you. Danny DeVito : I've known Michael Douglas longer than some men's wives have been alive Movie Title: Throw Momma from the Train (1987) as Owen: Owen : Where are you going? Larry : I'm gonna kill the bitch. You want something? Owen : Get me a chunky. Momma : Owen! Food! Owen : In a minute, Momma. Momma : Don't you "In a minute, Momma" me! Get off your fat little ass or I'll break it for you! I want two soft boiled eggs, white toast, and some of that grape jelly god damn it! And don't burn the toast! Owen : Kill her, Larry. Momma : Your friend had an accident, he's dead! You go bowling and leave a corpse to take care of me! Owen : He's dead? Momma : See for yourself. Owen : Larry! My friend, my friend... Larry! Momma : "My friend! My friend!" You big crybaby. Go bury him in the yard before he stinks up the place. Larry : Look what you did! You killed my wife. Owen : No, I didn't... Yes, I did. Larry : You're a sick man, Owen. You need care and I'm taking you to the police. Owen : Did you know that Hawaii is a series of islands that was all spit up by the same volcano? I never knew that. Larry : You killed somebody! You killed a person. You're a murderer. You took a life! Owen : You're right. You're right, I'm no good. How could I do that? I'm a sick pers... cows! (points at passing billboard) [Momma sees Larry for the first time] Momma : Who the hell is this? Owen : Oh, this is Cousin Paddy. He's coming to stay with us a while. Momma : [suspiciously] We don't HAVE a "Cousin Paddy". Owen : [to Larry] You lied to me! [Owen knocks Larry out with a frying pan to the head] Owen : Momma! You're alive! [to police] Owen : Old people - you have to reassure them sometimes. Movie Title: Get Shorty (1995) as Martin / Martin Weir: Martin : And I'm wondering: how did it all slip away? Karen : Well, it didn't slip away, Martin. You did, when you went off to fuck Nicky at my birthday party. Martin : Yeah, that was a good party. Chili Palmer : Martin, look at me. Martin Weir : I'm looking at you Chili Palmer : No, look at me the way I'm looking at you. Movie Title: Batman Returns (1992) as The Penguin: [Addressing a huge flock of penguins] The Penguin : My dear penguins, we stand upon a great threshold! It's alright to be scared; most of you won't be coming back. But, thanks to Batman, the time has come to punish ALL of God's children! 1st, 2nd, 3rd AND 4th-born! Why be biased? Male and female! Hell, the sexes are equal with their erogenous zones BLOWN SKY HIGH! FORWARD MARCH! THE LIBERATION OF GOTHAM HAS BEGUN! The Penguin : Touring the riot scene. Gravely assessing the devastation. Upstanding mayor stuff. The Penguin : It's true I was their number one son... but they treated me like number two! Henchman: Penguin... killing sleeping children. Isn't it that a little ah... The Penguin : No! It's a lot! The Penguin : But when it comes down to it, who is holding the umbrella? The Penguin : I believe the word you are looking for is "Aaahh"! The Penguin : You're just jealous because I'm a genuine freak and you have to wear a mask. The Penguin : I am NOT a human being, I am an animal! The Penguin : You got to admit I've played this stinking city like a harp from hell. The Penguin : You got to admit I've plagued this stinking city like a hawk from hell. The Penguin : [to Catwoman] Just the pussy I was looking for! The Penguin : [to Catwoman] You're beauty and beast. Batman : You're not the mayor. The Penguin : Things change. Batman : What do you want? The Penguin : Ah, the direct approach. I admire that from a man with a mask. [laughs, then turns serious] The Penguin : You don't really think you'll win, do you? Batman : Things change. The Penguin : They wouldn't put me on a pedestal, so I'm layin' them out on a slab! The Penguin : Just relax. I'll take care of the squealing, wretched, pinhead puppets of Gotham! The Penguin : You don't really think you'll win... do you? Volunteer Bimbo : You're the coolest role-model a young person could have! The Penguin : And you're the hottest young person a role-model could have. The Penguin : Ah, shit, I grabbed a cute one. [discards umbrella] The Penguin : The heat is getting to me, I'll kill you momentarily. The Penguin : You didn't invite me, so I CRASHED! The Penguin : Check it out. We're going to disassemble the Batmobile - turn it into an H-bomb on wheels. Catwoman : No, he'd have even more power as a martyr. To destroy Batman, we have to turn him into what he hates the most. Namely us. The Penguin : Burn baby, burn! Catwoman : Not even in office yet and already an enemies list, hmm? The Penguin : Those names aren't for prying eyes. Say, why should I trust some cat-broad, anyway? Maybe you're just some screwed-up sorority chick who's trying to get back at her daddy for not buying her that pony when she turned sweet sixteen. [plotting against Batman] Catwoman : Batman napalmed my arm, and knocked me off a building just when i was starting to feel good about myself. I want to play an integral part in his degradation. The Penguin : A plan is forming. Catwoman : I want in. The thought of busting Batman makes me feel all... dirty. I think I'll give myself a bath right here. [licks herself in a cat-like manner] The Penguin : [to a crowd of voters] I may have saved the mayor's baby, but I refuse to save a mayor who stood by helpless AS A BABY, while Gotham City was ravaged by a disease. A disease that turned eagle scouts into crazed clowns and happy homemakers into catwomen! Catwoman : We need to talk. You see, you and I have something in common. The Penguin : Sounds familiar. Appetite for destruction? Contempt for the czars of fashion? Wait, don't tell me... naked sexual charisma. Catwoman : Batman. The thorn in both our sides. The fly in our ointment. The Penguin : Ointment! Scented or unscented? The Penguin : By tbe way, how's Fred Atkins, your old partner? Maximillian 'Max' Shreck : Fred? I believe he's... on extended vacation. He's good. The Penguin : Good? [Penguin takes out a severed hand] The Penguin : Hi, Max! Remember me? I'm Fred's hand! Remember, Max. You flush it. I flaunt it. The Penguin : Bats with wings do your thing. Movie Title: Heist (2001) as Bergman: Bergman : Don't you want to hear my last words? Joe Moore : I just did. Bergman : Everybody needs money. That's why they call it money. Bergman : I hate to do anything as dramatic as count to three but one, two, three. Bergman : What, do you want to tell me what made you a criminal? Joe Moore : What made *you* a criminal? Bergman : Nothing made me a criminal. I *am* a criminal. Bergman : What's that lady see in you, anyway? Joe Moore : I'm resilient. Bergman : So's Gumby. Joe Moore : I got a better profile. Bergman : This other thing, the Swiss thing, if I was a publisher I'd publish the plans. Bobby Blane : Why don't you publish the plans? Bergman : Yeah, no, I said that's what I would do if I was a publisher. Unfortunately, I'm a thief so I have to do that thing. Bergman : OK, you want to wrap it up? Or you want to just stand around here, try to guess my real name? Joe Moore : What is your real name? Bergman : Rumpelstiltskin. Joe Moore : What was it before you changed it? Joe Moore : Where's my wife? Bergman : Let me tell you something about your girl Joe, she's a whore. Bergman : You should have popped the girl. Joe Moore : Well, you should have been there. Bergman : Where's the gold? Joe Moore : In the heart of the pure. Bergman : Are you fuckin' with me? Are you FUCKIN' with me? Or are you done FUCKIN' with me? Because I've just financialized the problem, and you've just become more trouble than you're worth. Bergman : Lemme add this sweetener: you do the fuckin' job, or else I'm gonna turn you over. I'm gonna drop a Roosevelt dime on your ass. 'Finita la commedia.' How strict is that, you fuckin' vontz? I'm sorry that I hafta use such language in front of a woman, were it not for who I'd waste your fucking ass. Bergman : I'm your partner. I don't set you up, what do you got? Little Lambsy Divy. Movie Title: Saturday Night Live 80 (1975) as Danny DeVito: Danny DeVito : Well, the film is called "Tin Men." It's about two aluminum siding salesmen during the 1950s and one of the men has an affair with the other man's wife. Church Lady : [as the Church Lady] Mmmm, I see. And what is our rating, Daniel? Could it be "R"? Movie Title: Death to Smoochy (2002) as Burke: Burke : You're gonna be so rich you'll be pissing on hundred dollar bills just to see the look on Franklin's face! Sheldon : I don't think I could do that. I have much too much respect for the things that man has accomplished. Burke : If you rat on the Parade of Hope, you'll be lucky to find your toenails. These guys are the roughest of all the charities. Burke : Sheldon, I know you got a fetish for ethics. Movie Title: The Virgin Suicides (1999) as Doctor: Doctor : What are you doing here, honey? You're not even old enough to know how bad life gets. Cecilia Lisbon : Obviously, Doctor, you've never been a thirteen year old girl. Doctor : tell me what these remind you of [holds up a bat] Cecilia : A banana. [the doctor holds up another bat] Cecilia : A swamp. [the doctor holds up another bat] Cecilia : An afro. Movie Title: L.A. Confidential (1997) as Sid Hudgens: Sid Hudgens : Off the record, on the QT, and very hush-hush. [first lines] Sid Hudgens : [voiceover] Come to Los Angeles! The sun shines bright, the beaches are wide and inviting, and the orange groves stretch as far as the eye can see. There are jobs aplenty, and land is cheap. Every working man can have his own house, and inside every house, a happy, all-American family. You can have all this, and who knows... you could even be discovered, become a movie star... or at least see one. Life is good in Los Angeles... it's paradise on Earth." Ha ha ha ha. That's what they tell you, anyway. Sid Hudgens : "It's Christmas Eve in the City of Angels and while decent citizens sleep the sleep of the righteous, hopheads prowl for marijuana not knowing that a man is coming to stop them! Celebrity crimestopper Jack Vincennes, scourge of grasshoppers and dopefieds everywhere!" Ya like it, Jackie-Boy? Jack Vincennes : Yeah. Subtle. Jack Vincennes : Karen, this is Sid Hudgens of Hush-Hush Magazine. Sid Hudgens : Hellooooo, Karen! Jack's Dancing Partner : Hello yourself! [walks off angrily] Jack Vincennes : What's that about? Sid Hudgens : Eh, we ran a piece last year, "Ingenue Dykes in Hollywood." Her name got mentioned. Sid Hudgens : Get me some narco skinny. I want to do an all-hophead issue. You know, schwartze jazz musicians and movie stars. You like it? Sid Hudgens : Something has to be done, but nothing too original, because hey, this is Hollywood. Sid Hudgens : Are you tight with the DA, Jackie? Jack Vincennes : Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. He tried to throw me off the force last Christmas as a little joke. Sid Hudgens : He's on a night train to the big adios. Movie Title: The Simpsons (1989) as Herb / Herb Powell: Homer Simpson : Herb, this is the stupidest invention I've ever seen. I can't believe we blew $2000 on it, when right now rollers could be kneading my buttocks. Herb Powell : Homer, would you stop thinking about your ass? Homer Simpson : I try, but I can't. Herb : [rings Simpsons' bell] Now, what do I do? I mean, this is the guy who ruined me. Then again, he's my brother... So many conflicting emotions. How to express them? Homer : [opens door] Herb. [Herb punches him in the face] Herb : Lisa, aren't you happy to see me? Lisa : Why didn't you write, Unky Herb? Herb : Hey, if I wrote to you, what was I supposed to say? "Dear Lisa, last night I used a rat for a pillow, thanks to your pop?" Lisa : I see your point. Homer : Oh, Herb. Because of me you lost your house and your business. Maybe it would've been better if I'd never come at all. Herb Powell : Maybe I would've been better off? Maybe? As far as I'm concerned, I have no brother. Movie Title: Twins (1988) as Vincent Benedict: Vincent Benedict : Money talks and bullshit walks! Julius Benedict : How can bullshit walk? Vincent Benedict : You're a virgin! Julius Benedict : That's private. Vincent Benedict : A 230-pound virgin! Julius Benedict : You have no respect for logic. Vincent Benedict : But he's got an axe! Julius Benedict : My name is Julius and I am your twin brother. Vincent Benedict : Oh, obviously! The moment I sat down I thought I was looking into a mirror. Julius Benedict : Actually, I hate violence. Vincent Benedict : But you're so good at it! Vincent Benedict : I got another six hours to pay the money. Tell the McClane brothers that harassing a man who already is in the slammer is beneath even them. |
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