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 John Leguizamo QuotationOn what was it like in the Clown suit while filming Movie Title: Spawn: "Like a penis wearing a condom". "I see the new Latin artist as a pioneer, opening up doors for others to follow. And when they don't open, we crowbar our way in." Movie Title: Collateral Damage (2002) as Felix: [referring to Gordon as Armstrong's replacement] Felix : It's like ordering a pizza. You ask for Canadian Bacon you end up with a German sausage. Felix : Why isn't Armstrong here? Gordon Brewer : He was arrested for screwing the police chief's daughter. Felix : That's Armstrong for ya. Movie Title: Sexaholix: A Love Story (2002) as John Lequizamo: John Lequizamo : [imitating his grandfather] Help! Help! I fell in the toilet! [imitating his grandmother] John Lequizamo : How did you come to fall in the toilet? [imitating his grandfather] John Lequizamo : I didn't come to fall in the toilet. I came to take a shit. John Lequizamo : I remember there was this one hottie that was legendary in our neighborhood. Her dad was a cop, and she never came down from the third floor. We started calling her Rapanzo Garcia. Now, Rapanzo used to think she was better than me, 'cause she was Argentinean and didn't have any Indian in her... yet. [Imitating how his ancestors met] John Lequizamo : So, I hear you sacrifice your birgins....are you a birgin? John Lequizamo : [imitating his girlfriend Evelyn] I was supposed to be the one in my family who was gonna make it, but do you know what I got on my SATs? I got nail polish. John Lequizamo : [imitating his friend] Latin women are like blow-up dolls. You put a ring on their finger and watch their hips expand. Movie Title: Spawn (1997) as Clown: Spawn : What's happening to me? Clown : Nothing. Just your necro-flesh going through its larval stage. Soon you're gonna get hair in funny places and gonna start thinking about girls. Spawn : Just get me to a hospital. Clown : A hospital? Have you seen yourself lately? Burnt man walking. Not even the entire cast of "E.R." could put you back together. Clown : Everytime someone farts, a demon gets his wings. [farts twice] Clown : Oh, twins. Spawn : God. Clown : [covering ears] Why'd you hafta go and say the "G" word? La la la la. Clown : I love the smell of burning asphalt in the morning. Clown : You're dead. D-E-D. Dead. Clown : I say destroy the cosmos, ask questions later. Clown : I'm gonna cut you into 50 pieces and mail one to each state. Jason Wynn : He killed Jessica, and he almost killed me. Clown : You say that like it's a bad thing. Clown : Ooh. Burnt man walkin'. Clown : Boy you were just tied to that track and that stupid train just kept runnin' over ya didn't it? Just runnin' over you. Clown : There you are. I've been looking everwhere for you. Bad crispy, BAD crispy. Clown not like. Clown : Come on, fry-boy. Can't keep that side-order of potato salad waitning, now can we? Clown : Why must you people always question? Why, why, why? When how is so much more fun. Clown : [in cheerleader get-up] That's a lovely dress... I wonder if they have it in my size? [begins cheering] Clown : Spawny, Spawny, he's our man, if he can't kill them, no one can. Yay, Spawny. S to the P to the A to the AWN, yes, S to the P to the A to the AWN. Go Spawny, go Spawny. Clown : [as Wanda] You over-sized bacon crisp. Clown : How come Heaven gets all the good fellas, and we're left with the retards? Clown : [to a group of would-be Satanists] Behold. This one of a kind necroplasmic armor can be yours for the teeny price of your soul, and a butt-load of pain. Clown : I hate clowns. I hate them all. Ronald, Bozo, Chuckles... with their stupid red noses and over-sized shoes... I don't mind being short, fat, and ugly - but the pay sucks. Movie Title: Executive Decision (1996) as Rat: Rat : I hope there's a good movie on this flight. [Grant, wearing a tuxedo, meets the commando unit] Rat : Who's this? 007? Movie Title: Joe Henry (1999) as Jorge: [seeing Joe eating scraps out of the sink] Jorge : Didn't you have anything to eat earlier? Joe : Um... I had some Ho-Ho's. Jorge : "Ho-ho's"? Get a sandwich, man. (calling to the cook) Hey, Roy, you old fuck. Roy : What? Jorge : Make the kid of goddamn sandwich. He's eatin' out of the sink for crisake. Movie Title: Freak (1998) as John Leguizamo: John Leguizamo : I don't wanna leave you with a bad impression of my father. No, no, because my father wasn't always this brutal. No, sometimes he drank too. John Leguizamo : Once upon a time...there was a Little Red Riding Hood...and she went into the woods...and she got a Greencard. And she lived happily ever after, now shut the fuck up and go to sleep! John Leguizamo : On the way to our tenement building, it was like the modern day Tower of Babel. The many colors of Beneton were there. John Leguizamo : You people go back to your damn country! You multiply like roaches! John Leguizamo : We lived on Roosevelt Avenue. John Leguizamo : I was outnumbered. But I didn't care, 'cause I did what any Spanish kid raised in the ghetto would do...I acted like a retard. Movie Title: Doctor Dolittle (1998) as Rat #2: Dr. John Dolittle : You know how to do CPR? Rat #2 : CPR? I can't even spell it! [after performing CPR on a rat, the rat farts] Dr. John Dolittle : He just had gas Rat #2 : Whoa! you're telling me! Movie Title: The Pest (1997) as Pest: [After his crotch caught on fire] Pest : Fear not. The Pest line shall continue. My childrens have been savededed. [After he pees his pants from fright] Pest : I'm sorry. I couldn't make it to the newspaper. Pest : ...I hope you get violated by pig monkey men in the woods. Pest : Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the slickest of them all? It's the schemin'est, keenest scam artist. GOD, IT'S SO HARD TO BE MODEST. Pest : Excuse me, but--ahh. Why do I gotta look like something out of "Jungle Book" and you guys all get the nice Banana Republic stuff? Pest : So, you started a few wars. a-ite? Okay, you actually you started every war, but I mean who's counting; it's not like you ever won one, right? [laughs and pulls Leo's pants down] Leo : Ve kicked France's ass. Pest : Oh please, like who hasn't? Xantha : Anything you have to say to me... you can say it in front of Malaria. Pest : Anything? Xantha : Anything. Pest : Alright. Malaria's got mossy teeth, dandruff, and a fat butt! Xantha : PEST! Malaria : These jeans make me look fat! Pest : Ah no, Malaria, your fat butt makes you look fat! Pest : So... uh... what was your snake's name? Himmel : Cocteau. Pest : [nervously] Coc-teau? Like the French playwright? Himmel : Nein... After my two favorite body parts. Pest : O MY GOD. Quacky. Quacky. What have they dided to you? [Pretends to cry] Pest : Which one is he? Pest : "The United States of... Germany." Wow, somebody's a sore loser. [Singing] Pest : I'm "ridiculiculous." Like a booger I stick to this. [singing] Pest : I'm in the mood to scam, simply because I can. Pest : Love, peace and chicken grease. Pest : Later, masturbator. Pest : Of course I farted. What, you think I smell like this all the time? Angus : Do you know what today is? Pest : The first day of the rest of our lives? Angus : No. Pest : Sean Connery's birthday? Angus : Sean Connery's birthday? Bagpipe Player : SEAN CONNERY'S BIRTHDAY? [Band plays "For He's A Jolly Good Fellow"] [Pest and Angus speak over telephone] Angus : You'd show more respect if we were the Italian mob. Pest : Oh, please. Don't start that again. Angus : Just because we're Scottish people don't take us seriously [Pest burps into mouthpiece] [Pest and Chubbs enter an armory] Pest : Be all you can be! Chubbs: Yeah, don't ask, don't tell. Pest : ...What's that supposed to mean? Chubbs: Oh, nothin'. Pest : Just checkin... [After tumbling down a steep hill and banging his head against a rock] Pest : Aaahhh, now I'm nice and limber! [After Gustav wasted his tranquilzers on Xantha's family and his son, missing Pest] Pest : You can't hit me! You can't hit me! You're a big sucker-butt! Ha ha ha, ha ha ha! I can't believe you're German! Ha ha h... [Gustav hits him with the gun handle] [Pest works at a Chinese restaurant, disguised as Chinese] Mr. Cheung} How come I don't understand any of your Chinese?, Pest : [in heavy Chinese accent] I from Souff! Is a diffewent diawect! Mr. Cheung : Oh really? Well, I'm from Souff too! Pest : [pause] Well, I from FAR, FAR, FAR, far Souff! Movie Title: Carlito's Way (1993) as Benny Blanco: Benny Blanco : Maybe you don't remember me... Carlito : Maybe I don't remember the last time I blew my nose either. [to Carlito] Benny Blanco : Hey remember me, Benny Blanco from the Bronx? Movie Title: Super Mario Bros. (1993) as Luigi / Luigi Mario: Mario : How are we gonna get in there? I got two words for you: Im-possible. Luigi : Nothing is impossible, Mario. Improbable, Unlikely, but never impossible. Luigi : Anything is possible, Mario, you just gotta believe in it. Desk Sergeant: Name. Mario : Mario. Desk Sergeant: Last name. Mario : Mario. Desk Sergeant: And you? Luigi : Luigi. Desk Sergeant: Luigi Luigi? Luigi : No, Luigi Mario. Desk Sergeant: Okay how many Marios are there between the two of you? Luigi : Three: Mario Mario and Luigi Mario. [In the police car, a wanted poster of Luigi and Mario flashes on a TV screen naming them Alien Plumbers] Luigi Mario : Aliens? We gotta deal with aliens too? Mario Mario : Luigi, *we're* the aliens. Luigi Mario : We are? Wow, cool. [Mario and Luigi survey Dinohattan] Mario Mario : This can't be Manhattan. Luigi Mario : I don't know, I haven't been to Manhattan in a couple weeks. Mario Mario : Must have been a bad couple of weeks. Luigi : Remember, trust the fungus. Cop: Nobody touches President Koopa. Luigi : [Rubbing his eyes in pain] But he said he was... King Koopa : -One evil, egg sucking son of a snake. Did I lie? Luigi Mario : Nothing's impossible, you just gotta believe. Luigi : By the bar, that big lady with the red spikes took the rock. Iggy : Was she corpulent? Very corpulent? Luigi : No, she was really, really round. Luigi : Where's Daisy, butt-breath? Iggy : Where's the rock, scalawag? Luigi : Where's Daisy, biscuit-head? Luigi : Do you eat? Princess Daisy : Yes. Luigi : Dinner? Princess Daisy : Yes. Luigi : Tonight? Luigi : It is an honor to meet you sir, and a pleasure, and I just wanna thank you for all your help. Mario : Come on, Luigi. You'll be talking to the mildew in the shower next. [Entering the Boom Boom Bar] Luigi : Isn't this a little bit feminine? Iggy : Yes, I know. It was my ex wife's. Mario : But you wear this stuff? Spike : Yes. On occasion, we have a... date. Mario : Who do you date, a canary? Luigi : [driving] I've heard sea turtles travel thousands of miles on their own. Mario : Not in New York traffic, they don't. Movie Title: Summer of Sam (1999) as Vinny: Vinny : I can't be a whore! I'm a man! Movie Title: Moulin Rouge! (2001) as Toulouse-Lautrec: Christian : I can't write the show for the Moulin Rouge. Toulouse-Lautrec : Why not? Christian : I... I don't even know if I am a true Bohemian revolutionary. Toulouse-Lautrec : Do you believe in beauty? Christian : Yes. Doctor : Freedom? Christian : Yes, of course. Satie : Truth? Christian : Yes. Doctor : Love? Christian : Love? Above all things I believe in love. Love is like oxygen. Love is a many-splendored thing, love lifts us up where we belong, all you need is love. Toulouse-Lautrec : See? You can't fool us. You are the voice of the Children of the Revolution. Bohemians: We can't be fooled. Toulouse-Lautrec : I got it, I got it. Christian. [shouts] Toulouse-Lautrec : The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be love loved in return. Toulouse-Lautrec : Christian, you may see me only as a drunken, vice-ridden gnome whose friends are just pimps and girls from the brothels. But I know about art and love, if only because I long for it with every fiber of my being. Toulouse-Lautrec : Oh no, I forgot my line. Toulouse-Lautrec : Things aren't always as they seem. Christian : Things are exactly the way they seem. Toulouse-Lautrec : Unbewievable. Stwaight to the ewephant. Toulouse-Lautrec : He's got a huge... talent . [The bohemians are rehearsing a play that resembles a certain musical that begins with a nun singing atop a hill] Toulouse-Lautrec : [singing] The hills are made with the euphonious symphonies of descant... Doctor : I don't think a nun would say that about a hill. Toulouse-Lautrec : How do you do? My name is Henri Marie Raymond Toulouse-Lautrec Montfa. Christian : What? Toulouse-Lautrec : I'm terribly sorry about all this. We're just upstairs rehearsing a play. Christian : What? Movie Title: To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything! Julie Newmar (1995) as Miss Chi-Chi Rodriguez: Miss Chi-Chi Rodriguez : Go on Vida and talk to him, you speak honky! Miss Chi-Chi Rodriguez : I didn't ask to come on this trip, did I? No, I don't think so! Did I ask you to be making me over and jump all kinds of hoops like some circus poodle? No, I don't think so! Do I want to go to jail because of some cop killer? No, I don't think so! So as soon as we get to the next town I am jumping on the first man and riding him all the way to New York City and away from you two puckered up, stuck up putas 'cause this trip sucks! It sucks! Miss Chi-Chi Rodriguez : If I were bread, would you be my butter? Miss Chi-Chi Rodriguez : I'm the latina Marilyn Monroe. I've got more legs than a bucket of chicken! Miss Chi-Chi Rodriguez : I'm a looser, I hate myself, I hate my life, I hate everything! Vida Boheme : Oh no! No You're a winner, why you look like! You are a winner! Movie Title: What's the Worst That Could Happen? (2001) as Berger: Detective Alex Tardio : Come on boys, pull daddy like a chariot. Berger : This is straight out of a Hitchcock movie. I think I'm feeling vertigo. Berger : [as sheik] He says with that price, camel can dance up pyramid. It loses in translation. Berger : Salaam, salaam, Kuwait! Berger : It kills me. The leave the light on trick. Kevin Caffrey : Why don't they just put a sign saying welcome burglers no one home? Berger : You ever read the papers? Kevin Caffrey : I used to, but the news kept changing. Movie Title: Ice Age (2002) as Sid: Sid : For a second there, I actually thought you were gonna eat me. Diego : I don't eat junk food. Sid : Hey, what's your problem? Manfred : You are my problem. Sid : Well, I think you're stressed, and that's why you eat so much. I mean, it's hard to get fat on a vegan diet. Manfred : I'm not fat. It's all this hair. It makes me look poofy. Sid : Fine. You have fat hair, but when you're ready to talk, I'm here. Diego : Is its nose dry? Sid : That means there's something wrong with it. Diego : Someone should lick it, just in case. Manfred : Hey, he's wearing one of those baby thingies. Sid : So? Manfred : So, if he poops, where does it go? Sid : [pause] Humans are disgusting. Sid : I don't know about you guys but we are the weirdest herd I've ever seen. Sid : From now on, you'll have to refer to me as 'Sid - Lord of the Flame'. Manfred : Hey, Lord of the Flame, your tail's on fire. Sid : From now on, I'm gonna call you 'Diego... Diego : ...Lord of Touch Me and you're Dead. Sid : Look, the tigers are just playing tag with the antelope [pause] Sid : with their teeth. Diego : Come on Sid, let's play tag. You're it. Sid : I bet he's hungry. Manny : How 'bout some milk? Sid : Ooh, I'd love some. Diego : Not you. The baby. Sid : Well, I ain't exactly lactating right now, pal. Diego : You're a little low on the food chain to be mouthing off, aren't... Manny : Enough. Sid : You know? This whole ice age thing is getting old. You know what I could go for? A global warming. Diego : Keep dreaming... Sid : Awww, the big, bad Tigey-Wigey gets left behind. Poor Tigey-Wigey. Manfred : Sid, Tigey-Wigey's gonna lead the way. Sid : Uh, Manny, can I talk to you for a second? Manfred : No. The sooner we get to Glacier Pass, the sooner I get rid of Mr. Stinky Droolface. And the baby, too. Diego : You won't always have Jumbo around to protect you. And when that day comes, I suggest you watch your back... 'cause I'll be chewing on it. Manfred : Hey, über-tracker. Up front where I can see you. Manfred : Check for poop. Sid : Why am I the poop-checker? Manfred : Because returning the runt was your idea, because you're small and insignificant, and because I'll pummel you if you don't. [Pause] Sid : Why else? Manfred : NOW, SID. Sid : Uh, Manny, can I have a word with you? Manfred : No. The sooner we get to Glacier Pass, the sooner I get rid of Mr. Stinky Droolface. And the baby, too. Diego : You won't always have Jumbo around to protect you. And when that day comes, you better watch your back... 'cause I'll be chewing on it. [the tigers find out the "baby" is a snow decoy] Sid : Sorry, fellas! He got a little frostbite! Diego : The baby? Please. I was just returning it to its herd. Sid : Oh, yeah. Nice try, Bucktooth. Diego : You calling me a liar? Sid : I didn't say that. Diego : You were thinking it. Sid : [to Manfred] I don't like this guy. He reads minds. Diego : I'm... sorry I set you up. Sid : Ah, you know me, I'm too lazy to hold a grudge. Sid : Hey, my feet are sweating. Diego : Do we need a news flash every time your body does something? Manfred : He's doing it for attention. Just ignore him... Manfred : Hey, Sid, the tiger found a shortcut. [Sid looks up at the mountain they will have to climb] Sid : No thanks, I choose life. Diego : Then I suggest you take the shortcut. Sid : Are you threatening me? Diego : MOVE, SLOTH. Diego : You don't know much about tracking, do you? Sid : Hey, I'm a sloth. I see a tree, eat a leaf. That's my tracking. Dodo: Prepare for the Ice Age. Sid : Ice Age? Diego : I've heard of these crackpots. [Sid's trying to use the baby to get attention from girls] Sid : I'm begging you. I need him. Manny : What, a good-looking guy like you? Sid : Aw, you say that, but you don't mean it. Manny : No, seriously, look at you. Aw, those ladies, they don't stand a chance. Sid : You have a very cruel sense of humor. [To an animal whose dung he has stepped in] Sid : Hey, widebody, curb it next time. [Sid is drawing a sloth with chalk] Diego : What are you doing? Sid : I'm putting sloths on the map. Manfred : Why don't you make him more realistic and draw him lying down. Diego : And make him rounder. [Manfred draws a pot belly on Sid's drawing] Diego : Perfect. Sid : Ha, ha. I forgot how to laugh. Sid : You have beautiful eyeshhh. Sid : mmm... Pineconeshhh. Sid : Doesn't anybody love Shid the Shlof. [Diego makes a huge jump] Sid : I wish I could jump like that. Manford: [kicking Sid] Wish granted! Manny : AAAH! Diego : AAAH! Sid : AAAH! Roshan: WHEE! Diego : At the bottom of Half Peak... there's an ambush waiting for you. Manfred : What are you talking about? [Beat] Manfred : You set us up. Diego : It was my job. I was supposed to get the baby, but then... Mamfred: But then you brought us home for dinner. Sid : That's it! You're out of the herd! Sid : Well, I think mating for life is stupid. I mean, there's plenty of Sid to go around. Manfred : What are you doing, just toss it on the ledge! [The baby lands on the edge, and crawls away] Sid : Shouldn't we see if they've found him? Manfred : Good idea! [Throws a protesting Sid up after the baby] Sid : Don't spear me! [looks around] Sid : Ooohhh, this is a problem... Manfred : Now what? [sees the abandoned campsite] Manfred : Oh, that's perfect! Sid : They migrated without me. They do this every year. Sid : Slalom, baby! Movie Title: Titan A.E. (2000) as Gune: [Gune is licking Cale's hand] Gune : Hmmm... spaghetti derivative... meatballs, sort of anyway... and... ooh, Kaldorf droppings! Who ate it before you did? Gune : Preed! Preed! Aren't you supposed to be watching for the Drej? Preed : *Not paying much attention to Gune* Yes, Caveman. Drej bad, we good. Now go look at something shiny for a while. Gune : *Tugging on Preed's arm* You better look again. Preed : *Looks up from his gun and spotts the Drej off in the distance* Gune & Preed: DREJ! Gune : [shooting at the Drej ships] Who's your daddee! Gune : [Gune's first appareance] Does this look familiar? Do you know what it is? Neither do I. I made it last night in my sleep. Apparently I used Gindrogac. Highly unstable. Preed : Gune... Gune : I put at button on it. Yes. I wish to press it, but I'm not sure what will happen if I do. Movie Title: The Fan (1996) as Manny: Manny : [refusing Jewel an interview with Bobby] He'd rather nail his penis to a burning building! Movie Title: Romeo + Juliet (1996) as Tybalt: Tybalt : Romeo, thou art a villain. Tybalt : Peace? Peace. I hate the word, as I hate hell, all Montagues, and thee. Tybalt : Turn thee, Benvolio, and look upon thy death. |
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