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 David Duchovny Quotation"I never, ever, ever cook. And I would never eat anything I might cook." "I'm half Jewish, half Scottish. It's hard for me to buy anything." "Privacy is something I have come to respect. I think when I was younger I wanted to tell everybody everything, because I thought I was so damn interesting. Then I heard the snoring." "I've always been overly concerned about what people think which has resulted in a lot of inner turmoil. I try not to give a damn but inside I'm a huge ball of worry." "If you're smart, you'll always be humble. You can learn all you want, but there'll always be somebody who's never read a book who'll know twice what you know." "I'm frightened by the possibilities of my own lack of talent." "I think I'm nice enough to look at, but I think people make a big deal about my appearance. I think it was like hypnosis, like all of the sudden everybody's been trained: 'OK, now cluck like a chicken!' 'OK, now say David Duchovny's handsome!' I mean, I was a normal-looking kid, and whoever you are and whatever you look like, there are always things you want to change. I just remember that I wished I was blond. And I wished that my nose were smaller and my lips were smaller and my eyes were bigger... you know, everything." [On his role as Agent Fox Mulder on "The X-Files"] "It's pretty workaday, people don't seem to realize: You get up, you take a shower, you read the paper, you play Mulder." (from June 1998 "Entertainment Weekly" interview) [About "The X-Files"] "I get tired of people asking if I believe in what's presented on the show. They don't ask the guys on 'E.R.' if they believe in euthanasia." (from Oct. 1997 "Chicago Tribune" interview) Movie Title: Chaplin (1992) as Rollie Totheroh: [Sennett is explaining the film industry to Chaplin as Rollie edits a film] Mack Sennett : Now I know this is all new to ya, but remember something, we're all new. This is not an ancient industry. This whole place here is built around speed. Start the story, start the chase. I get bored easy. Rollie Totheroh : How much you reckon Mack? Couple yards of Mabel? Mack Sennett : Hmm, yeah. Nah, make it three. But don't go thinking we sacrifice quality. I never make more than two motion pictures a week, but I'll spend up to a thousand dollars on each of 'em if I have to. Movie Title: Dr. Katz, Professional Therapist (1995) as David Duchovny: David Duchovny : Sometimes I think that the dream is reality and life is the simulacrum. Dr. Katz : It certainly is. Movie Title: The X-Files (1993) as Mulder / Fox Mulder: Fox Mulder : Sometimes the only sane answer to an insane world is insanity. Fox Mulder : Why is it that every time I think I know the answers, someone goes and changes the questions? Fox Mulder : I do not *gaze* at Scully. [A rainmaker is losing control of his powers] Fox Mulder : I'll build the ark, you fetch the animals. Fox Mulder : He just wants some dating advice. Dana Scully : From whom? Fox Mulder : Yours truly. [Long silence] Fox Mulder : Hello? Scully? Dana Scully : Mulder, when was the last time you went on a date? Fox Mulder : I will talk to you later. [hangs up] Dana Scully : The blind leading the blind. [Upon seeing a body in two pieces] Dana Scully : So, should we arrest David Copperfield? Fox Mulder : Yes, but not for this. Fox Mulder : Wow. Admit it, all you want to do is play house. Woman! Get back in here and make me a sandwich! [Scully throws a rubber glove at him] Fox Mulder : Did I not make myself clear? Fox Mulder : On behalf of the International Jewish Conspiracy, I've got to inform you that we're almost out of gas. Fox Mulder : I was told once that the best way to regenerate body heat was to crawl naked into a sleeping bag with someone else who is already naked. Dana Scully : Maybe if it starts raining sleeping bags, you might get lucky. Skinner : For every step you take they're three steps ahead. Fox Mulder : What about you, where do you stand? Skinner : I stand right on the line you keep crossing. Fox Mulder : Using psychology to solve a crime was something like... Dana Scully : Believing in the paranormal? Fox Mulder : Well, that's one of the luxuries of hunting down aliens and genetic mutants. You rarely get to press charges. Dana Scully : According to the briefing, the prisoners escaped while hiding in a laundry cart. Fox Mulder : I don't think the guards have been watching enough prison movies. Dana Scully : Have you ever had any dealings with a cow? Fox Mulder : Agent Scully, WHAT are you implying? Dana Scully : You know, on the old mariners' maps, the cartographers would designate uncharted territory by writing "here be monsters." Fox Mulder : I've got a map of New York City just like that. Stonecypher : Have you ever been to a team seminar, Agent Mulder? Fox Mulder : No, unfortunately around this time of year I usually develop a severe hemorrhoidal condition. [In the posh apartment of a Madame] Dana Scully : Business is booming. Fox Mulder : I think you mean banging. Fox Mulder : People videotape police beatings on darkened streets. They manage to spot Elvis in three cities across America every day, but no one saw a pretty woman forced off the road in a rental car. [On sea monsters] Fox Mulder : Sounds like you know a little something about the subject. Dana Scully : I did as a kid, but then I grew up and became a scientist. Fox Mulder : Abducted. Dana Scully : Kidnapped. Fox Mulder : Pot-ay-toe, pot-ah-toe. Fox Mulder : Do you know how hard it is to fake your own death? Only one man has pulled it off: Elvis. Fox Mulder : He believes the government is out to get him. Mr. X : It's tax season, so do most Americans. Fox Mulder : How was the opera? Mr. X : Wonderful. I've never slept better. Fox Mulder : I get tired of losing my gun. Fox Mulder : I think I saw some of these people at Woodstock. Dana Scully : Mulder, you weren't at Woodstock. Fox Mulder : I saw the movie! Fox Mulder : It's all our questions. The proof that we've suspected. The proof that we've never been able to hold in our hands. That proof is here. Dana Scully : Mulder, it's the dim hope of finding that proof that's kept us in this car or one very muh like it for more nights than I care to remember. Driving hundreds, if not thousands of miles, through neighborhoods and cities and towns, where people are raising families and buying homes and playing with their kids and dogs and in short, living their lives. While we... we just keep driving. Fox Mulder : What's your point? Dana Scully : Don't you ever want to stop? Get out of the damn car and live something approaching a normal life? Fox Mulder : This is a normal life. [about Mulder's encounter with a gargoyle] Dana Scully : Maybe you're just seeing what you wanted to see. Fox Mulder : What makes you think I'd want to see that? Byers : He's being put into power by the most heinous and evil force in the 20th century. Fox Mulder : Barney? Dana Scully : Mulder, toads just fell from the sky! Fox Mulder : I guess their parachutes didn't open. [Calling Scully after spending a day apart] Fox Mulder : Hi, my name is Fox Mulder, we used to sit next to each other at the FBI. Fox Mulder : Should we be picking out china patterns or what? Fox Mulder : Hey, Scully. Dana Scully : Yes? Fox Mulder : I love you. Dana Scully : Oh, brother. Dana Scully : Mulder, there something out there. Fox Mulder : I know. I've been saying that for years. Dana Scully : I need something to put my back up against, Mulder. Fox Mulder : I know. I feel the same way. I feel that we've lost so much... but we've got The X-Files, and I believe what we're looking for is in them. I'm more certain than ever the truth is out there, Scully. Dana Scully : I've heard the truth, Mulder. Now what I want are the answers. [On finding a severed thumb] Fox Mulder : Siskel or Ebert? Fox Mulder : Hey Scully, is this display of boyish agility turning you on at all? [Looking at a destroyed doorbell button] Fox Mulder : Frustrated Jehovah's Witness? Fox Mulder : They're shutting us down. It's over, Scully. Dana Scully : What are you going to do? Fox Mulder : I'm... not going to give up. I can't give up. Not as long as the truth is out there. Fox Mulder : It looks like I'm going to have to tell Skinner his suspect is a giant bloodsucking worm after all. Fox Mulder : You can get the next mutant. Fox Mulder : One more anal-probing gyro-pyro levitating ectoplasm alien anti-matter story and I'm going to take out my gun and shoot somebody. Fox Mulder : Do you believe in the afterlife, Scully? Dana Scully : I'd settle for a life in this one. Fox Mulder : I changed it to "Trust Everyone." I didn't tell you? Fox Mulder : Whatever tape you found in the VCR, it isn't mine. Dana Scully : Good, because I put it back in the drawer with all the other tapes that aren't yours. Dana Scully : I noticed you dropped everything fast enough in order to help her out. Fox Mulder : I was merely extending her a professional courtesy. Dana Scully : Oh, is that what you were extending? Dana Scully : Mulder, did you see their eyes? If I were that stoned... Fox Mulder : Ooh! If you were that stoned what? Dana Scully : The answers are there, you just have to know where to look for them. Fox Mulder : That's why they put the "I" in FBI. Frohike : Obviously, you haven't read our August edition of The Lone Gunman. Fox Mulder : Oh sorry boys, it arrived the same day as my subscription to Celebrity Skin. Frohike : So Mulder, where's your little partner? Fox Mulder : She couldn't come. She was afraid of her love for you. Kinsley: Last year, I had something of a personal revelation. We were doing an exercise called Team Builders where we were given two minutes to build a tower out of ordinary office furniture. Stonecypher : When I stood on Mike's shoulders and I put that electric pencil sharpener on top of the pile... we both knew we could never have done it alone. Fox Mulder : [whispering to Scully] Kill me now? Fox Mulder : Is this display of boyish agility turning you on, Scully? Fox Mulder : Will you let me drive! Dana Scully : I'm driving! Why do you always have to drive? Because you're the guy? Because you're the big, macho man? Fox Mulder : No. I was just never sure your little feet could reach the pedals. Dana Scully : No... I don't think it's witchcraft or sorcery. I've looked around and I don't see any evidence of anything that warrants that kind of suspicion. Fox Mulder : Well, maybe you don't know what you're looking for. Dana Scully : Like evidence of conjury or the black arts? Or shamanism, divination, Wicca, or any kind of pagan or neo-pagan practice? Charms, cards, familiars, blood-stones, or hex signs, or any kind of the ritual tableau associated with the occult; Santeria, Voudom, Macumba or any high or low magic... Fox Mulder : Scully? Dana Scully : Yes? Fox Mulder : Marry me. Dana Scully : I was hoping for something a little more helpful. Fox Mulder : You don't suppose she's a virgin, do you? Dana Scully : I don't even think she's a blonde. Dana Scully : Fox... Fox Mulder : I... I... even made my parents call me "Mulder". Dana Scully : Mulder, I wouldn't put myself on the line for anybody but you. Fox Mulder : I brought you a present. It's a video. Superstars of the Superbowls. Dana Scully : I knew there was a reason to live. Fox Mulder : If coincidences are just coincidences, why do they feel so contrived? Fox Mulder : How can an eight year-old boy who can barely multiply be a threat to national security? And people call me paranoid. Fox Mulder : Before I could only trust myself. Now I can only trust you. Fox Mulder : No one down here but the FBI's most unwanted. Fox Mulder : Is there any way I can get this off my fingers quickly without betraying my cool exterior? Fox Mulder : Come on, Scully, it'll be a nice trip to the forest. Fox Mulder : Just because you're paranoid, it doesn't mean they're not out to get you. Fox Mulder : If you're lucky, you get 75 years. If you're very lucky, you get 80 years. And if you're extraordinarily lucky, you get to have 50 of those years with a full head of hair. The Son : Don't you want to live forever? Fox Mulder : Not if drawstring pants come back in style. Dana Scully : Mulder, are you all right? Fox Mulder : No, it's OK. My ass broke the fall. Dana Scully : [holding an Apollo 11 keychain] I actually was thinking about, uh, this gift that you gave me for my birthday. You never got to tell me why you gave it to me or what it means, but I think I know. I think that you appreciate that there are extraordinary men and women and extraordinary moments when history leaps forward on the backs of these individuals, that what can be imagined can be achieved, that you must dare to dream, but that there's no substitute for perseverance and hard work and teamwork because no one gets there alone; and that, while we commemorate the... the greatness of these events and the individuals who achieve them, we cannot forget the sacrifice of those who make these achievements and leaps possible. Fox Mulder : I just thought it was a pretty cool keychain. Dana Scully : You're so consumed by your personal vengeance against life, whether it be its inherent cruelties or mysteries, that everything takes on a warped significance to fit your megalomaniacal cosmology. Fox Mulder : Are you coming on to me, Scully? Dana Scully : I must remind you, this goes against the bureau's policy of male and female agents staying in the same motel room while on assignment. Fox Mulder : Try any of that Tailhook crap on me Scully, and I'll kick your ass. Dana Scully : Spontaneous human combustion. Fox Mulder : [grinning] Scully! Dana Scully : Well, isn't that where you were going with this? Fox Mulder : Dear Diary, today my heart leapt when Agent Scully suggested spontaneous human combustion. Dana Scully : Mulder, there are one or two somewhat well-documented cases. [Mulder nods, grinning] Dana Scully : Mulder, shut up. [Teaching Scully to hit a fastball] Fox Mulder : What you may find is you concentrate on hitting that little ball, the rest of the world just fades away. All your everyday nagging concerns. The ticking of your biological clock. How you probably couldn't afford that nice, new suede coat on a G-woman's salary. How you threw away a promising career in medicine to hunt aliens with a crackpot - albeit brilliant - partner. Getting into the heart of a global conspiracy. Your obscenely overdue triple-x bill. Oh, I'm sorry, Scully, those last two problems are mine, not yours. Ringo Langly : Check it out, Mulder: I had breakfast with the guy who shot John F. Kennedy. Fox Mulder : Is that so? Ringo Langly : Old dude now, but yeah. Said he was dressed as a cop on the grassy knoll. Fox Mulder : Brown Mountain, Scully, that doesn't ring a bell? Dana Scully : No... Fox Mulder : Brown Mountain lights? It's a famous atmospheric phenomenon dating back nearly 700 years, witnessed by thousands of people, back to the Cherokee Indians. Strange multicolored lights are seen to dance above the peak of the mountain. There's been no geological explanation, no scientific credible explanation at all. Dana Scully : And, what does that have to do with these two? Fox Mulder : Well, as I said, there is no scientific explanation, but there are those of us that believe that these multicolored lights are really... Dana Scully : UFOs. Extra-terrestrial visitors from beyond who apparently have nothing better to do than buzz one mountain for 700 years. Fox Mulder : It sounds like crap when you say it. Fox Mulder : I would never lie. I wilfully participated in a campaign of misinformation. [Ringo picks up the phone and turns on the tape recorder] Ringo Langly : Lone Gunmen. Fox Mulder : It's Mulder. Turn the tape recorder off. Ringo Langly : [pauses] Okay, it's off. Fox Mulder : Turn it off! Ringo Langly : It's off, already! [Mulder and Scully are undercover as newlyweds] Fox Mulder : Can we make the honeymoon video now? Jeffrey Swaim: Did you know that through the protective Chinese practice of Tiea Bu Shan, you can train your testicles to draw up into your abdomen? Fox Mulder : Oh, I'm doing that as we speak. Fox Mulder : They're here aren't they? Deep Throat : Mr. Mulder, THEY'VE been here for a long, long time. Fox Mulder : Why is it still so hard for you to believe, even when all the evidence suggests extraordinary phenomena? Dana Scully : Because sometimes looking for extreme possibilities makes you blind to the probable explanation right in front of you. [At a crime scene] Agent Tom Colton : So, Mulder, whaddaya think? This look like the work of little green men? Fox Mulder : Gray. Agent Tom Colton : What? Fox Mulder : Gray. You said "green men." A Reticulian's skin tone is gray. They're notorious for their extraction of terrestrial human livers, due to iron depletion in the Reticulum galaxy. Agent Tom Colton : You can't be serious. Fox Mulder : Do you know how much liver and onions go for on Reticulum? Dana Scully : Did you find what you were looking for? Fox Mulder : No, no, but I found something I thought I'd lost. Faith to keep looking. Fox Mulder : I feel, Scully... that you believe... you're not ready to go. And you've always had the strength of your beliefs. I don't know if my being here... will help bring you back. But I'm here. Fox Mulder : It's been said that fear of the unknown is an irrational response to the excesses of the imagination. But our fear of the everyday, of the lurking stranger and the sound of footfalls on the stairs, the fear of violent death and the primitive impulse to survive, are as frightening as any X-File, as real as the acceptance that it could happen to you. Dana Scully : Don't you see Mulder, you're doing their work for them. You're chasing aliens that aren't there, helping them to create the story that covers the shameful truth. And what they can't cover they apologize for. Apology has become policy. Fox Mulder : Maybe. Maybe you're right, Scully. But I don't need an apology for the lies. I don't care about the fictions they create to cover their crimes. I want them held accountable for what did happen. I want them to apologize for the truth. Clyde Bruckman : You're looking down. You stepped in a pie that's fallen to the floor. The killer comes up to you and... coconut cream. Fox Mulder : What? Clyde Bruckman : The pie... eh, coconut cream, or, is it lemon meringue? I don't know, it's... not sure, it's, it's hazy. As long as you're looking down, he comes up with the knife and... banana cream! Definitely banana cream. Fox Mulder : Scully, do you believe that my sister Samantha was abducted by aliens? Have you ever believed that? No. So what do you think happened to her? Dana Scully : What are you saying you believe now? Fox Mulder : I don't know. I don't know what happened. I don't know what to believe. I just know that I have to find out now. Dana Scully : Mulder, I can't kid myself. People live with cancer. They carry on, and so will I. You know I've got things to finish, to prove to myself, to my family, but for my own reasons. Fox Mulder : Come on back. The truth will save you, Scully. I think it'll save both of us. Fox Mulder : I don't think you understand. There's just too much evidence that it's all been a lie. The conspiracy is not to hide the existence of extraterrestrials. It's to make people believe in it so completely that they question nothing. Weber: So, you and I have been advocates of insanity all along? Is this the extreme possibility you believe in now? Skinner : So this kid is a human oddity. Tell me why anyone would go to such lengths as to kill him? Fox Mulder : This kid may be the key not just to all human potential, but to all spiritual unexplained paranormal phenomena. The key to everything in The X-Files. Clyde Bruckman : You know, there are worse ways to go, but I can't think of a more undignified way than autoerotic asphyxiation. Fox Mulder : Why are you telling me that? Clyde Bruckman : Look, forget I mentioned it. It's none of my business. Dana Scully : Mulder, it's such a gorgeous day out. Have you ever entertained the idea of trying to find life on this planet? Fox Mulder : I've seen life on this planet, Scully, and that's precisely why I'm looking elsewhere. John Doggett : I never would have believed those stories about you. Fox Mulder : Really? What stories are those? John Doggett : That you could find a conspiracy at a church picnic. Fox Mulder : What church? [After meeting the Lone Gunmen] Dana Scully : They were the most paranoid people I have ever met. I don't know how you think that what they say is even remotely plausible. Fox Mulder : I think it's remotely plausible that someone might think you're hot. Dana Scully : There's no sign of him, Mulder. Maybe he's moved on. What are you looking at? Fox Mulder : On the videotape, Dr. Banton kept staring at the floor. I've been trying to figure out what he might have been looking at. Dana Scully : Well, maybe the exposure affected his mind. Nonsensical repetitive behavior is a common trait of mental illness. Fox Mulder : You trying to tell me something? Fox Mulder : My father's dead, Scully. They killed him. Fox Mulder : Historically, cemeteries were thought to be a haven for vampires, as are castles, catacombs and swamps, but unfortunately, you don't have any of those. Sheriff Hartwell : We used to have swamps, only the EPA made us take to calling 'em "wetlands". [Mulder has swapped bodies with another man] Fox Mulder : If I shoot him is that murder or suicide? Dana Scully : Neither, if I do it first. Dana Scully : Snake handling. I didn't learn that in catechism class. Fox Mulder : That's funny - I knew a couple of catholic school girls who were expert at it! Fox Mulder : Maybe out past where the imagination ends our true natures lie, waiting to be confronted on their own terms. Born in anarchy with an unquenchable bloodthirst we shudder to think what might rise up from the darkness. Dana Scully : Mulder, this is a needle in a haystack. These poor souls have been dead for 50 years. Let them rest in peace. Let sleeping dogs lie. Fox Mulder : Well I won't sit idly by while you hurl cliches at me, preparation is the father of inspiration. Dana Scully : Necessity is the mother of invention. Fox Mulder : The road of excess leads to the palace of wisdom. Dana Scully : East, sleep and be merry for tomorrow we die. Fox Mulder : I scream, you scream, we all scream for nonfat tofutti rice dreamsicle. Dana Scully : I don't imagine you need to be told this, Mulder, but you're not a loser. Fox Mulder : Yeah, but I'm not Eddie van Blundht either, am I? Fox Mulder : Bambi also has a theory I've come to acro... Dana Scully : Who? Fox Mulder : Dr. Berenbaum. Anyway her theory is... Dana Scully : Her name is Bambi? Fox Mulder : Yeah. Both her parents were naturalists. Her theory is that UFO's are actually nocturnal insect swarms passing through electrical air fields. Dana Scully : Her name is Bambi? Fox Mulder : If Lucas Menand never gets hit by that bus, his complaint gets heard before the grand committee, Jason Nichols loses his funding and he never gets to collaborate on his research with Dr. Yonechi. Therefore, this photograph never gets taken because this celebration never happens. Dana Scully : ...And if your sister is your aunt and your mother marries your uncle, you'd be your own grandpa! Fox Mulder : Did you really believe that you could call up the Devil and ask him to behave? Fox Mulder : Max could tell them. You know why you collapsed don't you, Max? Max Harden: Yeah, too much teen spirit. Fox Mulder : You think? Smells like murder to me. Fox Mulder : Get that gun out of my face! X: This high-capacity compact Sig Sauer .40 caliber weapon is pointed at your head to stress my insistence that your search for who put your partner on that respirator desist immediately! Fox Mulder : I'm going to find Trepkos. Dana Scully : What if he's already dead? Fox Mulder : Then he'll have a lot of trouble answering my questions. Fox Mulder : [to the Cigarette-Smoking Man] You murdered my father, you killed Scully's sister and if Scully dies I will kill you. I don't care who's father you are, I will put you down. Fox Mulder : It was five hours of Boggs channeling. After three hours i asked him to summon up the soul of Jimi Hendrix and requested 'All Along the Watchtower'. Your know, the guys been dead for 20 years but he has still got his touch. Dana Scully : It just means proving to the world the existence of alien life is not my last dying wish. Fox Mulder : What about Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny? [on explaining how a young boy could reappear after 10 years without aging even a day] Fox Mulder : There are x-files cases, that describe similar paranormal findings. Alien abductees, who came back with anomalous medical stats. John Doggett : You know, these words, 'anomalous', 'supernatural', 'paranormal', they propound to explain something by not explaining it. That's lazy! Fox Mulder : [To P. Crump] ... and it's Mr. Mulder to you, ya peanut picking bastard. [After Scully tells Mulder about Diana Fowley's death] Fox Mulder : You were my constant, my touchstone. Dana Scully : And you are mine. Fox Mulder : [spills coffee in his lap] That's great. Now my crotch is gonna be up all night. Byers : Why risk perfect happiness, Mulder? Why risk your lives? Fox Mulder : Because I need to know the truth. Byers : You already know the truth. [trying to distract Eugene Tooms] Fox Mulder : I'm looking for my dog. His name is Heinrick. He's a Norwegian Elkhound. I use him to hunt moose! Dana Scully : I'm just constantly amazed by you. You're working down here in the basement, sifting through files and transmissions that any other agent would just throw away in the garbage. Fox Mulder : Well, that's why I'm in the basement, Scully. Dana Scully : You're in the basement because they're afraid of you, of your relentlessness, and because they know that they could drop you in the middle of the desert and tell you the truth is out there, and you'd ask them for a shovel. [Mulder just woke up from a coma] Dana Scully : Hey. Fox Mulder : Who are you? Dana Scully : Oh, my God! Don't do that to me! Fox Mulder : Did anybody miss me? Man In Black: [tapping on window] Please, step out of the car. Fox Mulder : [to Scully] You think if maybe we ignore him, he'll go away? Man In Black: [tapping on window] Please, step out of the car. Fox Mulder : [to Scully] Guess not. Dr. Jeff Eckerle : How do I know you're not a cockroach? Fox Mulder : I assure you I'm as human as you are, if not more so. Fox Mulder : Modell put the whammy on him. Dana Scully : Please explain to me the scientific nature of the Whammy. Fox Mulder : I could be mistaken. Maybe it was another bald-headed, jigsaw-puzzle-tattooed, naked guy I saw. Mulder : It's okay. He's okay. Harold Piller : My son? You saw my son? Mulder : He's dead. They're all dead, Harold. Your son, Amber Lynn, and my sister. Harold Piller : No. Mulder : Harold, you see so much, but you refuse to see him. You refuse to let him go. But you have to let him go now, Harold. He's protected. He's in a better place. They're all in a better place. We both have to let go, Harold. Dana Scully : Mulder, what happened? Are you sure you're all right? Mulder : I'm free. [Scully thinks that one of Mulder's sources may have murdered an FBI agent] Mulder : Is that what you want me to put on my report to Skinner? Because I would be more than happy to have you explain that to him. Dana Scully : Damn it, Mulder, that is not my job. You'll pursue a case at the expense of everything, to the point of insanity, and expect me to follow you. There has to be somewhere to draw the line. Mulder : Three identical men are dead. A fourth identical man is alive and on the lam. If the pursuit of this case seems like insanity to you, feel free to step away from it. Krycek : You must be losing it, Mulder. I can beat you with one hand. Mulder : Is that how you like to beat yourself? [Krycek cocks gun] Mulder : If those were my last words, I can do better. Movie Title: Kalifornia (1993) as Brian Kessler: Brian Kessler : You know, I didn't know this about you, I didn't know you were so prejudice. Carrie Laughlin : Oh please, because when someone takes of their shoe and scratches their foot while I'm eating and you call me prejudice? Brian Kessler : He can't help the way he was raised. I kinda feel sorry for him. Carrie Laughlin : You feel sorry for him. That's so sweet. You obviously didn't get a whiff of that sock! Brian Kessler : Bitch, bitch, bitch! Brian Kessler : I'll never know why Early Grayce became a killer. I don' know why any of them did. When I looked into his eyes I felt nothing, nothing. That day I learned any one of us is capable of taking another human life. But I also learned there is a difference between us and them: it's feeling remorse. Dealing with it. Confronting a conscience. Early never did. Brian Kessler : I remember once going on a school trip to the top of the Empire State Building. When I looked down at the crowds of people on the street they looked like ants. I pulled out a penny and some of us started talking about what would happen if I dropped it from up there and it landed on someone's head. Of course I never crossed that line and actually dropped the penny. I don't think Early Grayce even knew there was a line to cross. Brian Kessler : I'd always wanted to be a writer, but there's a big difference between writing a magazine article and writing a book. I know I wrote a magazine article. Everything I ever wanted to know about serial killers fit nicely on those four pages. The article got me a book deal with a little cash up front, but between the rent and the convertible the advance was gone. I owed a book and I was stuck. What little I knew about seial killers I learned in a university library. The only thing I knew for certain was that people didn't kill each other in libraries. Brian Kessler : What the hell did I know about California? For some people it was still a place of hopes and dreams, a chance to start over. The idea was if you could get there everything would be okay, and if it wasn't okay there, well, it probably wasn't going to be okay anywhere. Brian Kessler : How many people have you killed, Early? Early Grayce : Well, now, how many people have you seen me kill, Bri? Brian Kessler : None. Early Grayce : That's how many I killed. Brian Kessler : If you say so. Early Grayce : Damn right I do. Shut up! Eat your food. You ain't never killed no one, have you, Bri? Brian Kessler : No. Early Grayce : No. Ain't seen nobody killed either, have you? Brian Kessler : No, I haven't. Early Grayce : No. Tell me something, big time. How are you going to write a book about something you know nothing about? Brian Kessler : When you dream there are no rules. People can fly. Anything can happen. Sometimes there's a moment as you're waking and you become aware of the real world around you, but you are still dreaming. You may think you can fly but you better not try. Brian Kessler : Early lived in the moment. He did whatever he wanted whenever he wanted. I don't know if I was fascinated or frightened by him. Brian Kessler : Early seemed harmless. Primitive, but harmless. Of course the fact of the matter was he had killed his landlord less than an hour before we met him. He was even wearing the guy's ring. Who knows what he did with the finger? Brian Kessler : [narrating] Early seemed harmless. Primitive, but harmless. Of course, the fact of the matter was that he'd killed his landlord less than an hour before we met him. He was even wearing the guy's ring. Who knows what he did with the finger. Brian Kessler : When you first meet people all you notice are the differences between you and them, but as time passes you start noticing the similarities. I guess that's how all friendships begin. [Brian is talking about how killer shouldn't get the electric chair] Brian Kessler : The answer is primitive psychosis. Not the electric chair. Brian's friend: Yeah, that's great Brian. Unless it's your mother's head they find in the freezer. Brian Kessler : Yeah, but executing the killer would not bring my mother back now would it? Carrie Laughlin : Thank God. Carrie Laughlin : He beats her, you know. Brian Kessler : How do you know that? Carrie Laughlin : Because she told me, that's how I know that. Carrie Laughlin : Did you happen to know that he was in jail? Brian Kessler : Yeah, for stealing a car. Carrie Laughlin : Oh, really! Is that what he told you? He told her it was for carrying a gun! Brian, it could be for murder for all we know! Brian Kessler : Would you stop being so fucking melodramatic! Early Grayce : I was reading in your deal there how they never caught that Black Dolly killer. Brian Kessler : Black Dahlia. Early Grayce : Yeah. Brian Kessler : They didn't. Early Grayce : I was wondering how come. See what I'm getting at? It's like 'Hmm?'. Brian Kessler : Well, some people think he just stopped killing and disappeared back into society. Early Grayce : That's fine and dandy, but I wanna know what a smart fella like yourself thinks. Brian Kessler : I always thought it was the work of a serial killer. You know, anybody who took such time and care bisecting another human being. Early Grayce : Bisecting? Brian Kessler : You know, he cut them in two. Early Grayce : Oh, he hacked them up? Brian Kessler : In two pieces, yeah. In half. Anybody who did that much have been enjoying it and he would have done it again and again until someone stopped him. Early Grayce : That's good. That's a good theory, Bri. You wanna hear mine? Brian Kessler : Sure. Early Grayce : OK. Ain't you gonna record it? Brian Kessler : Early Grace's Black Dahlia theory. June 23rd. Early Grayce : OK. Now, I'm betting his still alive. Real old, living in a trailer park or something, somewheres. But he's alive, see. Now, he's thinking about what he's done, going over it and over it in his head, every night, thinking how smart he is for getting away with it. Early Grayce : How long have you had your woman, bud? Brian Kessler : Three years. Early Grayce : Yeah? She's a good one. She's a breeder, you dog. Brian Kessler : I'll tell her you said she's a breeder. She'll like that. I'll tell her that. Early Grayce : Only thing my old man ever gave me was this goddamn .45. Japanese but it's pretty good. Go on, shoot it. Brian Kessler : No, I never did this. I don't know how to do this. Early Grayce : Yeah, you can do it. Point and shoot the damn thing. No, bud, you're jerking it. You're all like this. You gotta hold it soft, like your pecker. OK? Early Grayce : Got them both on the dead run. Adele Corners : No! No, no, no Early! Early Grayce : Come on, momma. [Walks over to Brian who is standing over the wounded cop] Early Grayce : Tell me that don't hurt. Here. [Hands Brian a gun while pointing another one at his head] Brian Kessler : What? Early Grayce : Gotta put that crippled dog out of his misery. You wanna know about it, you gotta do it, son. Shoot him. Come on, lay it on in there. Come on, mean boy. Come on, mean boy. Do it! Shoot him! Shoot the dog! Time to live, boy. Shoot him. Come on. Go! Go, mean boy. [Brian drops the gun] Early Grayce : You faggot. Brian Kessler : Look at his face! It's not your father. Look at him! Early Grayce : I know that, you idiot. That's police in a world of hurting. This here's a mercy killing. [He kills the cop] Carrie Laughlin : Oh God! Early Grayce : Let's hit the road. Early Grayce : You haven't even said thank you. Adele Corners : Thank you. Early Grayce : Thank you for what, Adele? Adele Corners : I don't know, Early. Early Grayce : Well, Adele, it's for saving your fucking life back there! Goddamn! You were this close, momma, from spending the night in the county morgue. Carrie Laughlin : He wasn't going to shoot her, you murdering son of a bitch! Brian Kessler : Stop it, Carrie. Carrie Laughlin : What are you fucking insane? Brian Kessler : Shut up! Carrie Laughlin : He's a monster! Brian Kessler : Shut up, Carrie! Movie Title: Return to Me (2000) as Bob Rueland: Bob Rueland : [Lying] No, Charlie, I just can't make it. I'm, uh, I'm watching the game. Cubs. What's the score? [fumbles frantically for the remote, which doesn't work; gives up] Bob Rueland : Uh, Cubs are losing. Bob Rueland : Would you go out with me? Grace Briggs : Yes? Bob Rueland : Is that a question? Grace Briggs : No, it's a yes. Yes. Bob Rueland : Tomorrow night? Grace Briggs : Yes. Bob Rueland : Eight o'clock? Grace Briggs : Yes. Bob Rueland : Pick you up here? Grace Briggs : Yes. Bob Rueland : My, you're a very difficult woman. [Grace and Bob are on top of a building looking down at the city] Grace Briggs : Wow, this is incredible. We can see all this because we're standing on something you built. Bob Rueland : I had help. Bob Rueland : Elizabeth and I were married by the time we were twenty and we'd been going out since we were fifteen so this may sound a bit juvenile but... can I hold your hand? Grace Briggs : You see I had a heart... I had a heartwarming dream about you. Bob Rueland : God, it must have a been a nightmare. Grace Briggs : No, you were very... Bob Rueland : Scary? Grace Briggs : Sexy! Bob Rueland : You had a sex dream about me! Charlie Johnson : Come on, let's go get a beer. Bob Rueland : No thanks. Charlie Johnson : Well, if not tonight, Friday night, because I have someone for you. Bob Rueland : No, Charlie, no. Charlie Johnson : Come on, she's smart, she has a great body, intelligent, great body... You gotta start going out! She's really great, her cat was a patient of mine! Bob Rueland : I'm a dog person. Movie Title: The X Files (1998) as Fox Mulder: [After shooting the driver in the head.] Well-Manicured Man : Get out of the car. Fox Mulder : [expecting to be next] Why? The upholstery is already ruined. Fox Mulder : Whatever happened to playing a hunch, Scully? The element of surprise, random acts of unpredictability? If we fail to anticipate the unforeseen or expect the unexpected in a universe of infinite possibilities, we may find ourselves at the mercy of anyone or anything that cannot be programmed, categorized or easily referenced. [Pops a sunflower seed into his mouth.] Fox Mulder : What are we doing up here, Scully? It's hotter than hell. Fox Mulder : Maybe we should call in a bomb threat to Houston. I think it's free beer night at the Astrodome. Fox Mulder : After all you've seen you can just walk away? Scully : I have. I did. It's done. Fox Mulder : Five years together Scully, how many times I been wrong? Never. Not driving, anyway. Fox Mulder : How many times have we been here before? So close to the truth. [To a bartender, while drinking.] Fox Mulder : I'm the key figure in an ongoing government charade, the plot to conceal the truth about the existence of extraterrestrials. It's a global conspiracy, actually, with key players in the highest levels of power, that reaches down into the lives of every man, woman, and child on this planet, so, of course, no one believes me. I'm an annoyance to my superiors, a joke to my peers. They call me Spooky. Spooky Mulder, whose sister was abducted by aliens when he was just a kid and who now chases after little green men with a badge and a gun, shouting to the heavens or to anyone who will listen that the fix is in, that the sky is falling and when it hits it's gonna be the shit-storm of all time. Fox Mulder : Is this Dr. Kurzweil's residence? Detective: You got some business with him? Fox Mulder : I'm looking for him. Detective: Looking for him for what? [Mulder shows his ID.] Detective: Hey, the Feds are looking for him, too. Real nice business he's got, huh? Fox Mulder : What's that? Detective: Selling naked pictures of little kids over his computer. You looking for him for some other reason? Fox Mulder : Yeah, I had an appointment for a pelvic examination. Fox Mulder : You told me you had answers! Dr. Alvin Kurtzweil : Yes, but I don't have them all. Scully : Are you drunk, Mulder? Fox Mulder : I was until about 20 minutes ago. Agent Dana Scully : Was that before or after you decided to come here? Fox Mulder : I owe you everything, and Scully, you owe me nothing. Scully : Any thoughts as to why anybody would be growing corn in the middle of the desert? Fox Mulder : Those could be giant Jiffy-Pop poppers. Fox Mulder : You know, one is the loneliest number. Fox Mulder : But you saved me. As difficult and frustrating as it's been sometimes, your God-damned strict rationalism and science have saved me a thousand times over. You kept me honest. You made me a whole person. I owe you everything, and you owe me nothing. I don't know if I want to do this alone. I don't even know if I can. [Scully is slow to realize a countdown timer signifies a bomb.] Fox Mulder : Thirteen fifty-four. Thirteen fifty-two. Thirteen fifty. You see a pattern emerging here Scully? Fox Mulder : If I quit now, they win. Dana Scully : I saw your face Mulder. There was a definite moment of panic. Fox Mulder : You've never seen me panic. When I panic, I make this face. [remains impassive] [Scully rings Mulder while he stares at the bomb] Fox Mulder : Remember that face I showed you, Scully? I'm makin' it again! Fox Mulder : Whadda want? Coke, Pepsi, saline IV? Movie Title: Playing God (1997) as Eugene Sands / Eugene: Eugene : Sometimes we all wonder how things come to be. A chain of events: A leads to B leads to C leads to Z. Each life is made up of big decisions and each day is made up of a million little decisions. What shirt to wear, what street to walk on, what to eat for lunch. Now all of these seemingly inconsequential choices may change your life forever. But who can handle that kind of responsibility? It would paralyze you to think about it. So you have to trust your instinct, what the Greeks might call your character. You better pray to whatever god you believe in that your character knows what the hell it's doing. I thought I was a man of character. Good character. Then I made a mistake. A bad one that changed everything. That's why I found myself walking into a lousy L.A. bar to buy some Phenolcitrate---synthetic heroin, my personal favorite. See, when I got high, the chain of events disappeared. No past, no future, just the sweet and sticky now. But before I could get home that night with my bag of goodies something happened. I did a good thing. One good deed that started another chain that I wasn't ready for. A ride I had no business taking. Agent : I'm with the FBI! Eugene : What do you want? Agent : I want you to let go of my neck! Claire : How did you lose your license? Eugene : I was operating on a patient and the patient died. Claire : Was it your fault? Eugene : I was under the influence of narcotics and methamphetamines at the time, so yes, you could say it was my fault. Claire : How long ago was it? Eugene : Ten months, five days... what time is it now? Eugene : Now I get to use a phrase I always wanted to use in med school: take your clothes off and get under the sheets. Eugene : Alone at last! Claire : You must be somebody who's always on the lookout for a new way to fuck up. Eugene : Why is it that you always find me so objectionable? Claire : Other than the fact that you're a drug addict and the only patients you treat are criminals? Eugene : You mean your associates? I'm not a drug addict. I take drugs to feel normal, to get level. I regulate my intake very precisely. Claire : I'm sorry, that's right, you're a highly trained professional. You should know. Eugene : No, you were actually right the first time- I'm just basically always looking for a new way to fuck up. Eugene : I don't know what I'm doing here. Claire : You're dancing. Eugene : That's a matter of opinion. Claire : Where are we? Eugene Sands : My family's summer home. When I was a kid, whenever a friend of mine would get shot, I'd bring him here. Eugene : Thanks for getting shot. Claire : Anytime. [Eugene is being hidden from the mob by the FBI] FBI guy : Don't worry, we'll protect you. Eugene : Yeah, I saw your work at Ruby Ridge. Raymond : Dr. Eugene Sands? Eugene : How do you know my name? Raymond : Took an interest. Eugene : I'm sorry, you are? Raymond : Oh, I'm sorry. Raymond Blossom. Eugene : You gonna hurt me? Raymond : You asking because you're afraid or because you want me to? Eugene : Just trying to plan my day. Raymond : Oh, man, if I'm interfering with your plans, please forgive me. It's just I was so knocked out by what you did last night I said I gotta meet this guy. That's it. That's all there is to it. Medical Science amazes me. Eugene : Is kidnapping the only way you can meet new friends? Young Gangster: You gonna kill me? Eugene : No, but I know where to shoot you so you'll be in diapers for the rest of your life! Raymond : You think I'm criminal? Eugene : I think you're about as much of a criminal as I'm a doctor. Raymond : And you're a very good doctor. Eugene Sands : Sometimes in life, we are given a choice between being a slave in Heaven or a star in Hell. And Hell does not always look like Hell. On a good day, it can look a lot like LA. Eugene Sands : Tonight, I said to myself, "I will not get high." I might just as well have said to myself, "Tonight, I will not breathe." [Eugene is drinking from the faucet] Gage : You might want to take a piss before we go. Eugene : [sarcastically] And on the way there can we stop at Dairy Queen? Movie Title: The Rapture (1991) as Randy: Randy : God is like a drug. But instead of too much heroine, you're taking too much God. [A gunmen is ready to shoot Randy] Randy : Please, I have a little girl. Gunman: So? Movie Title: Red Shoe Diaries 4: Auto Erotica (1994) as Jake: Jake : I don't even know your name. Kate : Jo. Jake : I don't even know your real name. Movie Title: Zoolander (2001) as J.P. Prewitt: J.P. Prewitt : The truth is male models have been assassinating world leaders for over 200 years. Abe Lincoln wanted to abolish slavery, right? Well, who do you think made the silk stockings and powdered wigs worn by our early leaders? Derek Zoolander : Mugatu! J.P. Prewitt : Slaves Derek. So they hired John Wilkes Booth to do Mr. Lincoln in. The first model/actor! Dallas. 1963. John F. Kennedy. Matilda : Lee Harvey Oswald wasn't a male model. J.P. Prewitt : You're God damn right he wasn't, but the two lookers who capped Kennedy from the Grassy Knoll sure as shit were! J.P. Prewitt : I'm a hand model, mama. A finger jockey. We think differently than the face and body boys... we're a different breed. Movie Title: Evolution (2001) as Ira Kane: Ira Kane : If I was a giant nasty alien bird in a department store, where would I be? Harry Block : Lingerie. Ira Kane : Not you, the bird. Harry Block : Lingerie. Ira Kane : Grab that one. Come on, it's for science! Harry Block : I seen this movie, the black dude dies first. Ira Kane : Let go of my friend you giant sphincter! Ira Kane : Ira Kane, head of the science department, Glen Canyon Community College. Harry Block : Harry Block, geology professor, Glen Canyon Community College. Wayne Grey : Wayne Grey. I took some chemistry in high school. [The heroes just killed a dinosaur-like creature] Ira Kane : So, you want the light meat, or the dark meat? Harry Block : You have to ask? Harry Block : So, do they give the Nobel Prize out in yearly payments or is it just one large cash prize like the lottery? Ira Kane : Let's not get ahead of ourselves. Harry Block : Oh, I'm not getting ahead of myself, I'm just wanna be prepared for any potential tax repercussions. Ira Kane : Ladies, ladies, there's a terrifying alien bird menacing the mall. Can we focus?" Ira Kane : You took it like a man... it was this big Harry Block : Testing, testing, one, two... this is D.J. Harry Block, and I'm an Aquarius... Ira Kane : Harry, enough already, I hear you. Harry Block : Don't snap at me, Ira, unless you want an angry solid gold dancer on your hands. Ira Kane : You wouldn't understand. Dr. Allison Reed : No, how could I? I'm just a humorless ice queen in desperate need of a good humping. Ira Kane : Oh... you heard that, huh? Dr. Allison Reed : Loud and clear. Dr. Allison Reed : I would've rocked your world. Ira Kane : You already have. Harry Block : Shouldn't we call the government to help us out on this? Ira Kane : Absolutely not! I know those people. Nadine : Um, Professor, the little wiggly worm things in there are breaking. Ira Kane : It's not breaking, it's splitting. It's mitosis it's how they reproduce. Harry Block : No sex? Ira Kane : No time for sex. Nadine : Bummer. Harry Block : I may be a Geologist, but how many cells do single celled organisms have? Ira Kane : Harry, if we're going to be big important scientist people you have to start to act the part. Ira Kane : Snag it! Come on, snag it! Harry Block : Snag it? No way. I've seen this movie. The black dude dies first. *You* snag it! [Wayne starts singing into a microphone] Wayne Grey : You are so beautiful to me! Ira Kane : Harry, move, I'm gonna shoot him. Harry Block : Stand down! I'm taking him out myself. Ira Kane : Alright lets cut him open. Harry Block : CUT ME OPEN! There goes your Christmas present! Ira Kane : Unfortunately I couldn't give an 'A' to your papers because of the paragraph you wrote which I was unfortunate to memorize: "Cell's are bad. My uncle lives in a 'Cell' in which he only has a magazine to read and the same lousy food to eat. THE END"! [Kane and Block disguise themselves as a colonel and a private to sneak into the military base] Harry Block : I still don't understand why you get to be colonel and I'm just a private. Ira Kane : That's because I actually WAS a colonel. Besides, it's better for you if we get caught. I'm impersonating an officer. You can get five years for that. Harry Block : Maybe for you, white boy. Me, they hang. Movie Title: The X-Files (1993) as Special Agent Fox Mulder: [they're in the Arctic and have to strip to check for a virus] Special Agent Fox Mulder : Before anyone comments, I would just like to point out that these are sub-zero temperatures. Movie Title: Red Shoe Diaries (1992) as Jake: [Jake is seeing Alex's mother who doesn't seem to like Jake] Alex's mother: So, Jake...are you a good lover? Are you aggressive or do you take your time? Jake : Why don't you close the door and you'll find out. [to Alex's mother] Jake : Here's Alex's stuff. Alex's mother: Thank you. Jake : I loved your daughter. Alex's mother: I know you did. Movie Title: The Simpsons (1989) as Mulder: Mulder : Mr. Simpson, we want you to recreate your every move the night you saw the alien. Homer : The evening began at the gentlemen's club, where we were discussing Wittgenstein over a game of backgammon. Scully : Mr. Simpson, it's a felony to lie to the FBI. Homer : We were sitting in Barney's car eating packets of mustard. Happy? Mulder : Look at this, Scully: there has been another unsubstantiated UFO sighting in the heartland of America. We've got to get there right away. Scully : Well, gee Mulder, there's also this report of a shipment of drugs and illegal weapons coming into New Jersey tonight. Mulder : I hardly think the FBI is concerned with matters like that. Mulder : Are we alone in the universe? Impossible. When you consider the wonders that exist all around us... voodoo priests of Haiti, the Tibetan numerologists of Appalachia, the unsolved mysteries of Unsolved Mysteries... The truth it out there. Movie Title: Connie and Carla (2004) as Jeff: Jeff : [acting like a drag queen] Stripes! Mary holy Martha Stewart's prison collection! I've got three words for you Miss Thing, no, no, no, and four words, yesterday! Movie Title: Beethoven (1992) as Brad: Brad : We want to get in bed with Newton Auto Air Freshners! |
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