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 Mark Linn-Baker QuotationMovie Title: Perfect Strangers (1986) as Larry Appleton: [Larry has rented Balki a tuxedo] Balki Bartokomous : Yours? Larry Appleton : Yes. Balki Bartokomous : Yours... looks... just like mine. Larry Appleton : Yes. Balki Bartokomous : But if we dress alike, how will people tell us apart? Larry Appleton : Dental records. Larry Appleton : Was it me, or did you see steam rising from his head? Balki Bartokomous : Are you asking did - did I see *steam* rising from his head or did I see *you* rising from his head? Larry Appleton : I'm asking, was it me, or did you see steam rising from his head? Balki Bartokomous : Okay... Okay, are you asking was it *me* who saw steam rising from his head or was it *you* who saw steam rising from his head? Larry Appleton : I'm asking, was it me, or did you see steam rising from his head? Balki Bartokomous : [pause] Yes. Now, I have one for you - Was it me... or was that Miss Lydia's beauty mark sliding down her cheek? Larry Appleton : It was you. It was definitely you sliding down her cheek. Larry Appleton : I have... Balki Bartokomous : Oh, God. Larry Appleton : ...a plan. Larry Appleton : Oh, my lord... Mr. Wainwright : Appleton, you idiot! Larry Appleton : I just shot my boss in the butt. [Larry is hanging from a hook on the wall] Balki Bartokomous : Cousin, do it for me, please? Larry Appleton : No, no... Balki Bartokomous : Oh, please. Please, Mr. Scarecrow, which way is it to the Emerald City? Larry Appleton : Some people go that way, and some people go that way... Balki Bartokomous : But, of course, people do go both ways. [Larry is installing a shower head] Balki Bartokomous : Where are the instructions? Larry Appleton : I threw them out. Balki Bartokomous : You threw them out? Larry Appleton : Appletons have never used instructions. My dad completely rewired the house in Denver without instructions. Balki Bartokomous : Isn't that the house that burned to the ground? [Larry pauses for a second] Larry Appleton : [sheepishly] They never proved it was the wiring. Movie Title: Noises Off... (1992) as Tim Allgood: Lloyd Fellowes : And God said, "Where the Hell is Tim?" And there the Hell was Tim. And God said, "Let there be doors that open when they open, and close when they close." Tim Allgood : Do something? Lloyd Fellowes : Doors! Tim Allgood : I was getting the bananas for the sardines. Lloyd Fellowes : DOORS! Tim Allgood : Doors? Lloyd Fellowes : I bet God had a stage manager that understood English! Movie Title: Laughter on the 23rd Floor (2001) as Val: [Re: Max's health] Val : God forgive me for saying this word: Nervous breakdown! Milt : That's two words. God will never forgive you! Val : If you're a Jew, you end up in the desert no matter what. Val : Max has been very paranoid lately. Has anyone noticed? Brian : Isn't it impolite to watch someone being paranoid? [With a thick Russian accent] Val : Go feck yourself. Milt : There's no such word as feck. A person cannot go feck themselves. You cannot be an American citizen until you learn to say "Go fuck yourself." Val : Kiss my Naturalization papers. Val : My dog dreams funnier than you. Milt : My dog can say, "Fucking pumpernickel." Carol : Since when has anyone here noticed I'm a woman? Val : I noticed it when you first came to work here. You never used the men's john. Brian : The game is funny names. Ira : You against me? Where's the challenge? You can have all the other writers. Carol : Why do I want children? Look what they become. Val : All right. Let's get this over with. What's the bet? Ira : Shoes! We're playing for shoes. (They take off their shoes) My seventy dollar aligators against his Irish clogs after 15 St. Patrick's Day parades. Val : Aaaaaand...Go! Brian : Rabbi John Wayne. Writers: Eh. Ira : The Count of Monte through Friday. Writers: Oooh! Brian : Ira Chuvney. Ira : Ira Chuvney. That's my name. What's funny about that. Brian : Nothing. NOTHING IS FUNNY ABOUT IRA CHUVNEY! Writers: (Applaud) [About Max] Brian : He called me last night. Said something about we're going to war again. Val : With the Japanese? Brian : I don't know, depends on how Japanese NBC is. Val : You think it's funny that Max called me at 12 AM midnight? Milt : Only when you say it. Movie Title: My Favorite Year (1982) as Benjy Stone: [Alan Swann pours himself a drink.] Benjy Stone : Mr. Swann, I was supposed to watch you, remember? Swann : Good. Watch this. [Pours another drink.] Benjy Stone : Bring Allan Swann to Brooklyn? Belle : Sure, what are you ashamed of? Benjy Stone : Everything! Benjy Stone : I think I'm going to be unwell. Alan Swann : Ladies are unwell, Stone. Gentlemen vomit. Benjy Stone : Catherine, Jews know two things: suffering, and where to find great Chinese food. K.C. : I mean, what do you want from me? Benjy Stone : Sex! [Benjy Stone and a very drunken Alan Swann are up on a roof as Swann attempts to shimmy down the side of the building] Benjy Stone : Let's *not* do this - it's too dangerous! Alan Swann : Nonsense! It worked perfectly well in "A Slight Case of Divorce"! Benjy Stone : That was a movie! This is real life! Alan Swann : What is the difference? K.C. : Sanctuary! Sanctuary! Benjy Stone : Sanctuary my ass! |
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