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 Gene Wilder QuotationMovie Title: The World's Greatest Lover (1977) as Rudy Valentine: Rudy Valentine : Are you trying to give me fart hailure?! Movie Title: The Little Prince (1974) as The Fox: The Fox : It's only with the heart that one can see clearly. What's essential, is invisible to the eye. Movie Title: The Lady in Question (1999) as Larry Carter: Det. Tony Rossini : I got one of my men watching him at the hotel. I could take you there, wait with you in my car. If this Wheeler guy shows himself in the lobby or cocktail lounge, or tries to leave the hotel, maybe you could bump into him -- you know, accidentally pass him by -- and if he asks you for a drink, maybe you could accept. "Oh, what kind of business are you in, Mr. Wheeler? Oh, how NICE. Oh, do you have family, Mr. Wheeler?" Do you think you could do that? Mimi Barnes : Are you kidding? That's what I do all day on the plane! Det. Tony Rossini : [to Larry] I see your face, pal. What do you think, I'm nuts? One of my guys would be with her EVERY MINUTE! And if he wants to get her alone, she just says no. You think I'd let anything happen to her? Larry Carter : You know how many movies I've seen this in? But somehow the girl ALWAYS gets-- Det. Tony Rossini : [interrupting] Ah, no! No! Not this girl. And you wanna you know why? Larry Carter : Why? Det. Tony Rossini : Because I wasn't in any of those movies, that's why. Mimi Barnes : Let's try it. Det. Tony Rossini : I already know who did it, you know? Larry Carter : You do? Det. Tony Rossini : Yeah, that's what worries me. Larry Carter : Why? Det. Tony Rossini : 'Cause I might spend all my time trying to prove that I'm right, and miss out on the REAL McCoy. And that's why you're here, pal. Movie Title: Another You (1991) as George: [Last line (after credits)] George : Don't ever call my friend a "shithead" again, OK? Movie Title: Young Frankenstein (1974) as Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Igor : You know, I'll never forget my old dad. When these things would happen to him... the things he'd say to me. Dr. Frederick Frankenstein : What did he say? Igor : "What the hell are you doing in the bathroom day and night? Why don't you get out of there and give someone else a chance?" Dr. Frederick Frankenstein : [dreaming] I am not a Frankenstein. I'm a Fronkensteen. Don't give me that. I don't believe in fate. And I won't say it. [pauses] Dr. Frederick Frankenstein : All right, you win. You win. I give. I'll say it. I'll say it. I'll say it. DESTINY! DESTINY! NO ESCAPING DEATH FOR ME! DESTINY! DESTINY! NO ESCAPING DEATH FOR ME! [Doctor Frankenstein is having a heated argument with a student during a lecture] Student: But what about all the discoveries made with hearts and kidneys? Dr. Frederick Frankenstein : Hearts and Kidneys are tinkertoys! I'm talking about the central nervous system! Student: But sir... Dr. Frederick Frankenstein : I am a scientist, not a philosopher! [Doctor Frankenstein takes a medical instrument from a nearby table] Dr. Frederick Frankenstein : You have more chance of reanimating this SCALPEL than a central nervous system! Student: But what about your grandfather's work? Dr. Frederick Frankenstein : My grandfather's work was DOO-DOO! The only thing that concerns me is the preservation of LIFE! [in a fit of rage, he stabs himself accidentally in the kneecap - he covers it with his knee] Dr. Frederick Frankenstein : [keeping dignity while in extreme pain] Class is... dis... missed. Dr. Frederick Frankenstein : Igor, would you give me a hand with the bags? Igor : [doing a Groucho Marx] Certainly, you take the blonde and I'll take the one in the turban. Frau Blücher : Would the doctor care for a brandy before retiring? Dr. Frederick Frankenstein : No. Thank you. Frau Blücher : Some varm milk... perhaps? Dr. Frederick Frankenstein : No. Thank you very much. No thanks. Frau Blücher : Ovaltine? Dr. Frederick Frankenstein : NOTHING! Thank you. I'm a little tired. Frau Blücher : Then I vill say... goodnight. Dr. Frederick Frankenstein : Goodnight. Dr. Frederick Frankenstein : That music... Frau Blücher : Yes. It's in your blood - it's in the blood of ALL Frankensteins. It reaches the soul when words are useless. Your grandfather used to play it to the creature HE vas making. Dr. Frederick Frankenstein : Then it was you all the time. Frau Blücher : Yes. Dr. Frederick Frankenstein : You played that music in the middle of the night... Frau Blücher : Yes. Dr. Frederick Frankenstein : ...to get us to the laboratory. Frau Blücher : Yes. Dr. Frederick Frankenstein : That was YOUR cigar smoldering in the ashtray. Frau Blücher : Yes. Dr. Frederick Frankenstein : And it was you... who left my grandfather's book out for me to find. Frau Blücher : Yes. Dr. Frederick Frankenstein : So that I would... Frau Blücher : Yes. Dr. Frederick Frankenstein : Then you and Victor were... Frau Blücher : YES. YES. Say it. He vas my... BOYFRIEND. [Frankenstein, Igor and Inga in front of HUGE castle doors] Dr. Frederick Frankenstein : What knockers. Inga : Oh, thank you doctor. Dr. Frederick Frankenstein : Igor, would you mind telling me whose brain I did put in? Igor : And you won't be angry? Dr. Frederick Frankenstein : I will NOT be angry. Igor : Abby someone. Dr. Frederick Frankenstein : Abby someone. Abby who? Igor : Abby Normal. Dr. Frederick Frankenstein : Abby Normal? Igor : I'm almost sure that was the name. Dr. Frederick Frankenstein : Are you saying that I put an abnormal brain into a seven and a half foot long, fifty-four inch wide GORILLA? IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE TELLING ME? [Dr. Frankenstein leans in for a kiss] Elizabeth : Taffeta, darling. Dr. Frederick Frankenstein : Taffeta, dear. Elizabeth : [pulling away] No, the dress is taffeta. It wrinkles so easily. [Froederick and Igor are exhuming a dead criminal] Dr. Frederick Frankenstein : What a filthy job. Igor : Could be worse. Dr. Frederick Frankenstein : How? Igor : Could be raining. [it starts to pour] Dr. Frederick Frankenstein : For what we are about to see next, we must enter quietly into the realm of genius. Igor : Dr. Frankenstein... Dr. Frederick Frankenstein : "Fronkensteen." Igor : You're putting me on. Dr. Frederick Frankenstein : No, it's pronounced "Fronkensteen." Igor : Do you also say "Froaderick"? Dr. Frederick Frankenstein : No..."Frederick." Igor : Well, why isn't it "Froaderick Fronkensteen"? Dr. Frederick Frankenstein : It isn't; it's "Frederick Fronensteen." Igor : I see. Dr. Frederick Frankenstein : You must be Igor. [He pronounces it ee-gor] Igor : No, it's pronounced "eye-gor." Dr. Frederick Frankenstein : But they told me it was "ee-gor." Igor : Well, they were wrong then, weren't they? Inga : Werewolf Dr. Frederick Frankenstein : Werewolf? Igor : There. Dr. Frederick Frankenstein : What? Igor : There wolf. There castle. Dr. Frederick Frankenstein : Damn your eyes. Igor : [to camera] Too late. Dr. Frederick Frankenstein : For the experiment to be a success, all of the body parts must be enlarged. Inga : His veins, his feet, his hands, his organs vould all have to be increased in size. Dr. Frederick Frankenstein : Exactly. Inga : He vould have an enormous schwanzstucker. Dr. Frederick Frankenstein : That goes without saying. Inga : Voof. Igor : He's going to be very popular. [in Victor Frankenstein's laboratory] Igor : [sings] I ain't got no body, and nobody cares for me. Yakka tak ta a yakka tak ta ha! Dr. Frederick Frankenstein : Igor. Igor : Froedrick. Dr. Frederick Frankenstein : How did you get here? Igor : Through the dumbwaiter. Dr. Frederick Frankenstein : You know, I'm a rather brilliant surgeon. Perhaps I can help you with that hump. Igor : What hump? Dr. Frederick Frankenstein : I am a scientist, not a philosopher! You have more chance of reanimating this scalpel than you have of mending a broken nervous system! Medical Student : But what about your grandfather's work, sir? Dr. Frederick Frankenstein : My grandfather's work was doodoo! I am not interested in death! The only thing that concerns me is the preservation of life! [jams the scalpel into his leg, lets go of the scalpel and it sticks upright out of his leg, grasps it again, then slowly crosses his legs to block the scalpel from view] Dr. Frederick Frankenstein : Class... is... dismissed. [Friedrich arrives at the Transylvania station] Dr. Frederick Frankenstein : Pardon me, boy. Is this the Transylvania station? Shoe-Shine Boy: Ja, ja. Track 29. Can I give you a shine? Dr. Frederick Frankenstein : LIFE! DO YOU HEAR ME? GIVE MY CREATION... LIFE! Dr. Frederick Frankenstein : Love is the only thing that can save this poor creature, and I am going to convince him that he is loved even at the cost of my own life. No matter what you hear in there, no matter how cruelly I beg you, no matter how terribly I may scream, do not open this door or you will undo everything I have worked for. Do you understand? Do not open this door. Inga : Yes, Doctor. Igor : Nice working with ya. [Dr. Frederick Frankenstein goes into the room with The Monster. The Monster wakes up] Dr. Frederick Frankenstein : Let me out. Let me out of here. Get me the hell out of here. What's the matter with you people? I was joking! Don't you know a joke when you hear one? HA-HA-HA-HA. Jesus Christ, get me out of here! Open this goddamn door or I'll kick your rotten heads in! Mommy! Inga : You haven't even touched your food. [Frederick explodes and slaps on his food] Dr. Frederick Frankenstein : There. Now I've touched it. Happy? Dr. Frederick Frankenstein : [singing] If you're blue, and you don't know where to go to, why don't you go where fashion sits... The Monster : 'UTTIN' ON THE 'IIIIITZ. Dr. Frederick Frankenstein : PUT THE CANDLE BACK. Dr. Frederick Frankenstein : Well, dear, are you ready? Inga : Yes, Doctor. Dr. Frederick Frankenstein : Elevate me. Inga : Now? Right here? Dr. Frederick Frankenstein : Yes, yes, raise the platform. Inga : Oh. Ze platform. Oh, zat, yah, yah... yes. [after failing to bring the creature to life] Dr. Frederick Frankenstein : Nothing. Inga : Oh, Doctor, I'm sorry. Dr. Frederick Frankenstein : No. No. Be of good cheer. If science teaches us anything, it teaches us to accept our failures, as well as our successes, with quiet dignity and grace. [starts beating up the creature] Dr. Frederick Frankenstein : Son of a bitch! Bastard! I'll get you for this! What did you do to me? What did you do to me. Inga : Stop it! Stop that! Stop it! You'll kill him! Dr. Frederick Frankenstein : I don't want to live. I do not want to live. Igor : Quiet dignity and grace [rolls eyes] Dr. Frederick Frankenstein : Oh... mama... Dr. Frederick Frankenstein : Eyegor. Igor : Froadrick. Dr. Frederick Frankenstein : [To The Monster] Hello handsome. You're a good looking fellow, do you know that? People laugh at you, people hate you, but why do they hate you? Because... they are jealous. Look at that boyish face. Look at that sweet smile. Do you wanna talk about physical strength? Do you want to talk about sheer muscle? Do you want to talk about the Olympian ideal? You are a God. And listen to me, you are not evil. You... are... good. [The Monster starts to cry, and Dr. Frederick Frankenstein hugs him] Dr. Frederick Frankenstein : This is a nice boy. This is a good boy. This is a mother's angel. And I want the world to know once and for all, and without any shame, that we love him. I'm going to teach you. I'm going to show you how to walk, how to speak, how to move, how to think. Together, you and I are going to make the greatest single contribution to science since the creation of fire. Dr. Frederick Frankenstein : Well it seems as if our mysterious violinist has disa... [sees something] Dr. Frederick Frankenstein : puh. Inga : Disa what? Igor : -ppeared. Dr. Frederick Frankenstein : Shh. [The trio find an abandoned violin] Dr. Frederick Frankenstein : Well this explains the music. Igor : It's still warm. Dr. Frederick Frankenstein : From that fateful day when stinking bits of slime first crawled from the sea and shouted to the cold stars, "I am man.", our greatest dread has always been the knowledge of our mortality. But tonight, we shall hurl the gauntlet of science into the frightful face of death itself. Tonight, we shall ascend into the heavens. We shall mock the earthquake. We shall command the thunders, and penetrate into the very womb of impervious nature herself. [following Igor's botched attempt to interpret Dr. Frankenstein's charade clues while being attacked by the monster] Dr. Frederick Frankenstein : SEDA-GIVE? [after he brings the creature to life] Dr. Frederick Frankenstein : Alive! It's alive! It's alive! Frau Blücher : Good night, Herr Doktor. Dr. Frederick Frankenstein : Good night, Frau Blücher. [horses whinny] Igor : Where are you going? Dr. Frederick Frankenstein : To wash up. I've got to look normal. [his bowtie pops open] Dr. Frederick Frankenstein : We've all of us got to behave normally. Movie Title: Alice in Wonderland (1999) as Mock Turtle: Mock Turtle : The master was an old turtle. We used to call him Tortoise. Alice : Why did you call him Tortoise if he wasn't one? Mock Turtle : We called him Tortoise because he taught us! Movie Title: Silver Streak (1976) as George Caldwell: Grover Muldoon : What do they want you for? George Caldwell : Murder. Grover Muldoon : Drop me off anywhere along here okay? I don't mess with the Big M. George Caldwell : I know what goes where, and why. George Caldwell : Son of a bitch. George Caldwell : You stupid, ignorant son of a bitch, dumb bastard. Jesus Christ. I've met some dumb bastards in my time but you out do them all. George Caldwell : I've never milked a cow before. Rita : Cut the gas, Steve, you're a grown man. I'm sure you've had some similar experience. Grover Muldoon : So this is Mr. Big. George Caldwell : That's the man. Grover Muldoon : You ain't saying shit now, Mr. Big. [Grover is attempting to hot wire a Jaguar] Grover Muldoon : I'm following the plan. Just changed my mind. George Caldwell : Are you crazy? I thought we were gonna take the Chevy in back. Grover Muldoon : Chevy? That's a jerk-off, man. This here is pure pussy. George Caldwell : Pure pussy? Tell that to the judge. Grover Muldoon : Don't worry about no judge, Man, this thing gonna get us to Kansas City on time. George Caldwell : How about jail? Did you know that the office is right in front of us? George Caldwell : A Pussy? A Pussy? George Caldwell : Just get in the car. George Caldwell : I can't pass for Black. Grover Muldoon : I didn't say I was gonna make you black. I said I was gonna get you on the train. What's the matter, you afraid it won't come off? [George drinks over his loss of Hilly, and tells Bob] George Caldwell : Did you know... that the Brainard Tunnel is the highest point on this line? Bob Sweet : Yeah, yeah. I knew that. George Caldwell : Did you know that when we reach it I intend to be higher? [George is pretending to be a black man in order to evade the police] George Caldwell : I don't think we're going to make it past the cops. Grover Muldoon : We'll make it past the cops. I just hope we don't see no Muslims. George Caldwell : What did you come back here for? Grover Muldoon : You forgot your wallet. George Caldwell : Oh, some thief you are. Movie Title: Blazing Saddles (1974) as Jim: [Recalling his gunfighting career] Jim : I must have killed more men than Cecil B. DeMille. Bart : Are we awake? Jim : We're not sure. Are we black? Bart : Yes, we are. Jim : Then we're awake, but very puzzled. [Jim downs a bottle of whiskey in one long guzzle] Bart : A man drink like that and he don't eat, he is going to DIE. Jim : When? Bart : I better go check out this Mongo character. [Bart reaches for his gun] Jim : Oh no, don't do that. Bart : Why not? Jim : If you shoot him, you'll just make him mad. Jim : Uh-oh, Bart. I think Mongo here's taken a liking to you. Mongo : Huh-huh, naw, Mongo straight. Jim : You've got to remember that these are just simple farmers. These are people of the land. The common clay of the new West. You know... morons. Bart : You be my guest, and I be your host. What be your pleasure, Jim? Jim : I don't know... play chess... screw... Bart : [quickly] Let's play chess. [describing how everyone wanted to duel him when he was The Waco Kid] Jim : Then one day I hear "Reach for it, mister." I spun around, and there I was standing face to face with a six year old kid. Well, I just laid down my guns and walked away. Little bastard shot me in the ass. So I limped to the nearest saloon, crawled inside a whiskey bottle, and I've been there ever since. [to two members of the KKK] Jim : Oh boys, lookee what I got heyuh. Bart : Hey, where the white women at. [Bart and Jim are wearing KKK outfits to infiltrate the enemy's lynch mob] Jim : [spotting Bart's black hands] How many times have I told you to wash your hands after a weekly cross burning? [Taggart whips off Bart's hood] Bart : For my next impression, Jesse Owens. Jim : Another twenty-five years and you'll be able to shake their hands in broad daylight. Bart : What's your name? Jim : Well, my name is Jim, but most people call me... Jim. Jim : Where you goin'? Bart : Oh, nowhere special. Jim : Nowhere special. Always wanted to go there. Movie Title: Start the Revolution Without Me (1970) as Claude / Philippe de Sisis / Philippe: Duke d'Escargot : What brings you to Paris? Philippe : Oh, you might say a little business... Pierre : ...and a little pleasure. Duke d'Escargot : Which do you prefer? Business, or pleasure? Pierre : Well that depends on what you regard as business. Philippe : And, what you may regard as pleasure! Duke d'Escargot : In Paris we say, business is pleasure. Pierre : And to us, pleasure is our business. Duke d'Escargot : Then your business should be a pleasure, making my pleasure a business. Philippe : Unless, some mistake business for pleasure. While others know no business but pleasure. Duke d'Escargot : In that case sir I will show you my business. Philippe : My pleasure. Helene de Sisis : I'm sorry Philippe, I try my best to please you. Philippe de Sisis : How? You can't hunt, you can't ride, you can't shoot, you can't fence! What kind of a marriage is this? [there are two sets of brothers, a brother from one set has unknowingly spoken to a brother from another set when their actual brothers arrive] Philippe : How did you get here so fast? Pierre : I took a secret passageway. Charles : How did you get here so fast? Claude : I took a secret passage. Charles : She's beautiful. I like the king's plan. Claude : What are you talking about? Charles : She'll never marry Escargot, it'll be a pleasure killing that swine! Claude : You've forgotten who you are? You'd be lucky to run the girl through. Charles : Oh, yeah. Movie Title: Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex * But Were Afraid to Ask (1972) as Dr Doug Ross: [Dr. Ross's wife has caught him in bed with a sheep wearing sexy black garters] Mrs. Ross : [upset] How could you? Dr Doug Ross : This is Mrs. Bencours, one of my patients. She thinks she's a sheep. Movie Title: The Producers (1968) as Leo Bloom: Max Bialystock : What's the matter with you? Leo Bloom : I'm hysterical! I'm having hysterics! I'm hysterical! I can't stop when I get like this. I can't stop. I'm hysterical. Oh my god. Ah-la-la-la. [Bialystock throws a glass of water in Leo's face] Leo Bloom : [stunned] ... I'm wet! I'm wet! I'm hysterical and I'm wet! [Bialystock slaps Leo] Leo Bloom : ...I'm in pain! I'm in pain, and I'm wet!... and I'm still hysterical! [Max raises his hand to slap Leo again] Leo Bloom : No, no, no don't hit, don't hit. It doesn't help. It only increases my sense of danger. Max Bialystock : What can I do? What can I do? You're getting me hysterical. Leo Bloom : Go away. Go away. You frighten me. Roger De Bris : Ah, Bialystock and Bloom, I presume! Heh heh, forgive the pun! Leo Bloom : [to Max] What pun? Max Bialystock : Shut up, he thinks he's witty. Ulla : Goddag på dig! Leo Bloom : Uh, I beg your pardon? Ulla : Goddag på dig! Leo Bloom : Ah, gut da! Max, have you gone mad? A receptionist who can't speak English? What will people say? Max Bialystock : They'll say, "A wuma wa wa wa wa!" Leo Bloom : Let's assume, just for the moment, that you are a dishonest man. Max Bialystock : Assume away. Leo Bloom : Actors are not animals! They're human beings! Max Bialystock : They are? Have you ever eaten with one? Leo Bloom : I'm in pain and I'm wet and I'm still hysterical! Concierge : Who d'ya want? Leo Bloom : I beg your pardon? Concierge : Who d'ya want? Nobody gets in the building unless I know who they want. I'm the "concierge". My husband used to be the "concierge", but he's dead. Now I'M the "concierge". Max Bialystock : We are seeking Franz Liebkind. Concierge : Oh... the Kraut! He's on the top floor, apartment 23. Max Bialystock : Thank you... Concierge : ...But you won't find him there... he's up on the roof with his boids. He keeps boids. Dirty... disgusting... filthy... lice-ridden boids. You used to be able to sit out on the stoop like a person. Not anymore! No, sir! Boids!... You get my drift? Leo Bloom : We... uh... get your "drift". Thank you, madam. Concierge : I'm not a "madam"! I'm a "concierge"! Max Bialystock : Roger, did you have a chance to read "Springtime for Hitler?" Roger De Bris : [emerges from behind a partition wearing a dress] Remarkable, remarkable! A stunning piece of work. Leo Bloom : [under his breath] Max... he's wearing a dress. Max Bialystock : No kidding. Roger De Bris : Did you know, I never knew that the Third Reich meant Germany. I mean it's just drenched with historical goodies like that... Oh dear, you're staring at my dress. I should explain. We are going to the choreographer's ball tonight and there's a prize for the best costume. Carmen Giya : And we always win! Roger De Bris : I don't know about tonight. I'm supposed to be the Grand Duchess Anastasia, but I think I look more like Tugboat Annie. What do you think, Mr. Bloom? Leo Bloom : ...Where do you keep your wallet? [Leo Bloom walks in on Bialystock romancing Holdmethouchme] Leo Bloom : Oh my God! Max Bialystock : You mean "oops" don't you just say "oops" and get out! Leo Bloom : Ahahahahahahahaha Max Bialystock : Not "ahahahahahahah!" Oops! Leo Bloom : Oops! [slams the door] Max Bialystock : Here's to failure Leo Bloom : ...To failure Drunk : Why, thank you! You're very kind! [Max Bialystock drops him to the floor] Leo Bloom : Ooh, I fell on my keys! Movie Title: Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory (1971) as Willy Wonka: Willy Wonka : Don't you know what this is? Violet Beauregarde : By gum, it's gum. Willy Wonka : Wrong. It's the most fabulous sensational gum in the whole world. Violet Beauregarde : What's so fab about it? Willy Wonka : This little piece of gum is a three course dinner. Mr. Salt : Bull. Willy Wonka : No, roast beef. But I haven't got it quite right yet. Willy Wonka : I'm sorry, but all questions must be submitted in writing. Violet Beauregarde : Well they can't be real people. Willy Wonka : Well of course they're real people. Mr. Salt : Stuff and nonsense. Willy Wonka : No, Oompa Loompas. The Group: Oompa Loompas? Willy Wonka : From Loompaland. Mrs. Teevee : Loompaland? There's no such place. Willy Wonka : Excuse me, dear lady... Mrs. Teevee : Mr. Wonka, I am a teacher of geography. Willy Wonka : Oh, well then you know all about it and what a terrible country it is. Nothing but desolate wastes and fierce beasts. And the poor little Oompa Loompas were so small and helpless, they would get gobbled up right and left. A Wangdoodle would eat ten of them for breakfast and think nothing of it. And so, I said, "Come and live with me in peace and safety, away from all the Wangdoodles and Hornswogglers and Snozzwangers and rotten Vermicious Knids." Mr. Salt : Snozzwangers? Vermicious Knids? What kind of rubbish is that? Willy Wonka : I'm sorry, but all questions must be submitted in writing. And so, in the greatest of secrecy I transported the entire population of Oompa Loompas to my factory here. Veruca Salt : Hey, Daddy, I want an Oompa Loompa. I want you to get me an Oompa Loompa right away. Mr. Salt : All right, Veruca, all right. I'll get you one before the day is out. Veruca Salt : I want an Oompa Loompa now! Violet Beauregarde : Can it, you nit! Willy Wonka : Invention, my dear friends, is 93% perspiration, 6% electricity, 4% evaporation, and 2% butterscotch ripple. Mrs. Teevee : That's 105 percent. Willy Wonka : It happens every time, they all become blueberries. Willy Wonka : Little surprises around every corner, but nothing dangerous. Willy Wonka : Oh, you should never, never doubt what nobody is sure about. [Willy Wonka walks down the hall which gets shorter as it goes on in the skewed perspective room] Charlie Bucket : Hey, the room is getting smaller! Mrs. Teevee : No, it's not; he's getting bigger. Mr. Salt : He's at it again. Mike Teevee : Where's the chocolate? Sam Beauregarde : I doubt if there is any. Mr. Salt : I doubt if any of us will get out of here alive. Willy Wonka : Oh, you should never, never doubt what nobody is sure about. Mrs. Gloop : You're not squeezing me through that tiny door. Willy Wonka : [singing] There is no life I know to compare with pure imagination. Living there, you'll be free if you truly wish to be. Willy Wonka : [singing] If you want to view paradise, simply look around and view it. [Noticing signs on vats] Mr. Salt : Wonka. Butterscotch? Buttergin? You running something on the side here? Willy Wonka : Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker. Willy Wonka : Where is fancy bred, in the heart or in the head? Sam Beauregarde : What is this Wonka, some kind of funhouse? Willy Wonka : Why? Are you having fun? Veruca Salt : Snozzberry? Who ever heard of a snozzberry? Willy Wonka : [grabs Veruca's chin] We are the music makers, and we are the dreamers of the dreams. Willy Wonka : So shines a good deed in a weary world. Willy Wonka : A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men. Willy Wonka : No other factory in the world mixes its chocolate by waterfall. But it's the only way if you want it just... right. Willy Wonka : The suspense is terrible... I hope it lasts. Willy Wonka : There's no earthly way of knowing / Which direction we are going / There's no knowing where we're rowing / Or which way the river's flowing / Is it raining? / Is it snowing? / Is a hurricane a-blowing? / Not a speck of light is showing / So the danger must be growing / Are the fires of hell a-glowing? / Is the grisly reaper mowing? / Yes, the danger must be growing / 'Cause the rowers keep on rowing / And they're certainly not showing / Any signs that they are slowing. Willy Wonka : Bubbles, bubbles everywhere, and not a drop to drink... yet. Willy Wonka : If the good Lord had intended us to walk he wouldn't have invented roller-skates. Willy Wonka : Everything inside is eatable, I mean edible, I mean you can eat everything. Charlie Bucket : What was that we just went through? Willy Wonka : Hsawaknow. Mrs. Teevee : Is that Japanese? Willy Wonka : No, that's Wonkawash spelled backwards. Willy Wonka : So much time and so little to do. Wait a minute. Strike that. Reverse it. [Willy Wonka and the group are still on the boat and are at the hallway outside the inventing room] Willy Wonka : We're there. Mrs. Teevee : Where? Willy Wonka : Here. A small step for mankind, but a giant step for us. All ashore! Mr. Beauregarde: Let me off this crate! Mike Teevee : Now why don't they show stuff like that on T.V.? Mrs. Teevee : I don't know. Mr. Salt : What a nightmare. Veruca Salt : Daddy, I do not want a boat like this. [Charlie Bucket and Grandpa Joe read a sign] Charlie Bucket : Dairy cream . . . Grandpa Joe : Whipped cream . . . Charlie Bucket : Coffee cream . . . Grandpa Joe : Vanilla cream . . . Charlie Bucket and Grandpa Joe: Hair cream? Willy Wonka : Meine Herrschaften, schenken Sie mir ihre aufmerksamkeit [My friends (masters), please give me your attention] Willy Wonka : . Mrs. Teevee : That's not French. Willy Wonka : Sie kommen jetzt in den interessantesten und gleichzeitig geheimsten raum meiner fabrik. [You have now come to the most interesting and, at the same time, the most secret room of my factory] Mr. Salt : I can't take much more of this. Willy Wonka : Meine Damen und Herren, der Inventing Room [Ladies and Gentlemen, The Inventing Room] Willy Wonka : . Now remember, no messing about. No touching, no tasting, no telling. Grandpa Joe : No telling what? Willy Wonka : You see, all of my most secret inventions are cooking and simmering in here. Old Slugworth would give his false teeth to get inside for just five minutes, so don't touch a thing! Mrs. Gloop : My son. He'll be made into marshmallows in five seconds. Willy Wonka : Impossible, my dear lady. That's absurd. Unthinkable. Mrs. Gloop : Why? Willy Wonka : Because that pipe doesn't go to the marshmallow rooom. It goes to the fudge room. Mrs. Gloop : You terrible man. Willy Wonka : Well, fortunately, small boys are extremely springy and elastic. So I think we'll put him in my special taffy-pulling machine. That should do the trick. [to an Oompa Loompa] Willy Wonka : To the taffy-pulling room. You'll find the boy in his mother's purse. But be extremely careful. Mrs. Teevee : To the taffy-pulling room? [Oompa Loompa whispers to Wonka] Willy Wonka : No, no. I won't hold you responsible. Grandpa Joe : Mister Wonka? Willy Wonka : I am extraordinarily busy, sir. Grandpa Joe : I was just wondering about the chocolate. The lifetime supply of chocolate? For Charlie? When does he get it? Willy Wonka : He doesn't. Grandpa Joe : Why not? Willy Wonka : Because he broke the rules. Grandpa Joe : What rules? We didn't see any rules, did we, Charlie? Willy Wonka : Wrong, sir. Wrong. Under section 37B of the contract signed by him, it states quite clearly that all offers shall become null and void if - and you can read it for yourself in this photostatic copy - "I, the undersigned, shall forfeit all rights, privileges, and licenses herein and herein contained," et cetera, et cetera..."Fax mentis incendium gloria cultum," et cetera, et cetera..."Memo bis punitor delicatum". It's all there, black and white, clear as crystal. You stole fizzy lifting drinks. You bumped into the ceiling which now has to be washed and sterilized, so you get nothing. You lose. Good day sir. Grandpa Joe : You're a crook. You're a cheat and a swindler. How could you do a thing like this, raise up a little boy's hopes and then dash all his dreams to pieces? You're an inhuman monster. Willy Wonka : I said good day. Willy Wonka : And Charlie: don't forget what happened to the man who suddenly got everything he'd ever wished for. Charlie Bucket : What happened? Willy Wonka : He lived happily ever after. Mr. Salt : Quite a nice little canoe you got there, Wonka. Willy Wonka : All I ask is for a tall ship and a star to sail her by. All aboard everybody. Mr. Salt : Ladies first and that means Veruca. Grandpa Joe : If she's a lady, then I'm a Vernicious Knid. Mr. Salt : Wonka, how much do you want for the golden goose? Willy Wonka : They're not for sale. Mr. Salt : Name your price. Willy Wonka : She can't have one. Veruca Salt : Who says I can't? Mr. Salt : The man with the funny hat. Charlie Bucket : Mr. Wonka, they won't really be burned in the furnace, will they? Willy Wonka : Well, I think that furnace is only lit every other day, so they have a good sporting chance, haven't they? Willy Wonka : [singing] In springtime, the only pretty ring time, birds sing hey ding, a-ding, a-ding. Sweet lovers love the spring. Violet Beauregarde : [While sticking her finger up her nose & digging] . Spitting's a nasty habit. Willy Wonka : [Glaring at her] I know a worse one. Willy Wonka : Now over here I have something rather special to show you. Mr. Salt : It's special alright, I only hope my Veruca doesn't want one. Willy Wonka : Well... Two naughty, nasty little children gone... Three good, sweet little children left. Sam Beauregarde : Come on, Violet. We're getting out of here. Willy Wonka : Oh, you can't get out backwards. You've got to go forwards to go back, better press on. [Talking about the Everlasting Gobstopper] Willy Wonka : Everybody has had one and one is enough for anybody. [Mr. Wonka puts sneakers into a vat] Mr. Salt : What's that for? Willy Wonka : Gives it a little kick. [Willy Wonka greets Charlie and Grandpa Joe at the gates of the WONKA factory] Willy Wonka : And who is this gentleman? Charlie Bucket : My grandfather, Grandpa Joe. Willy Wonka : [shaking Grandpa Joe's hand] Delighted to meet you, sir. Overjoyed, enraptured, entranced. Are we ready? Yes, good. In we go. Mrs. Gloop : [Augustus is drowning] Help. He can't swim. Willy Wonka : There's no better time to learn. Mrs. Gloop : Don't just stand there do something. Willy Wonka : [sarcastically] Help. Police. Murder. Augustus Gloop : Let me in. I'm starving. Willy Wonka : Now, don't get excited. Don't lose your head, Augustus. We wouldn't want anybody to lose that. Charlie Bucket : It's perfect. Mrs. Teevee : It's unbelievable. Grandpa Joe : It's a miracle. Mike Teevee : It's a TV dinner. Willy Wonka : It's Wonkavision. Grandpa Joe : It could change the world. Mike Teevee : Look at me. I'm gonna be the first person in the world to be sent by television. Mrs. Teevee : Mike, get away from that thing. Willy Wonka : [sarcastically] Stop. Don't. Come back. Mike Teevee : Lights. Camera. ACTION. Mrs. Gloop : Aye. Mr. Wonka help I'm getting squooshed. Willy Wonka : Is it my soul that calls me by my name? [As Willy Wonka, Grandpa Joe, and Charlie Bucket are going up towards the glass roof in the Wonkavator] Grandpa Joe : But the roof is made of glass. It'll shatter into a thousand pieces. We'll be cut to ribbons. Willy Wonka : Probably. Willy Wonka : For some moments in life there are no words. Mrs. Teevee : I assume there's an accident indemnity clause. Willy Wonka : Never between friends. Willy Wonka : Oh! I wouldn't do that. I really wouldn't. Charlie Bucket : Mr. Wonka, what's gonna happen to the other kids? Augustus, Veruca? Willy Wonka : My dear boy, I promise you they'll be quite all right. When they leave here, they'll be completely restored to their normal, terrible old selves. But maybe they'll be a little bit wiser for the wear. Anyway, don't worry about them. [opening lock] Willy Wonka : Ninety-nine... forty-four... one hundred percent pure. Willy Wonka : The snozzberries taste like snozzberries Willy Wonka : Around the world and home again, that's the sailors way. Willy Wonka : How do you like my factory, Charlie? Charlie Bucket : It's the most amazing place in the whole world! Willy Wonka : I'm very glad to hear that. Because I'm giving it to you. Movie Title: Will & Grace (1998) as Mr Stein / Mr. Stein: Mr. Stein : I thank you from the heart of my bottom. No. Wait a minute. Strike that, reverse it. Will : "I am Mr Stein." Say it. Mr. Stein : It. Mr. Stein : I like you, Will. You remind me of a young me. [pauses] Mr. Stein : Do you know where my red wagon is? Will : Uhh... no. I'll have to ask mom. Karen : What's so great about another person anyway? All they do is manhandle your boobs and eat all the ham. Will : Yeah. And get hair gel all over your pillow and move around your bedside table figurines. Mr Stein : And cut your tie in half and make you call yourself Nancy... Movie Title: Something Wilder (1994) as Gene Bergman: Gene Bergman : Why am I the one who's going? Annie Bergman : Because we don't know if they're a bunch of maniacs over there with Uzis waiting to blow away the first person to come to the door. Gene Bergman : So, I'm the one who's expendable? Annie Bergman : Unfortunately, Gene, yes. Because I'm the only one who knows how to work the dishwasher! Alice Cooper : You know, when I put the band together, biting heads off chickens was not part of the original act. Gene Bergman : You bite heads off of chickens? Alice Cooper : Oh, no, no, no. The chicken thing was exaggerated. I mean, you know, we were already the bad boys of rock. We had the long hair and the makeup and the snake. Gene Bergman : What snake? Alice Cooper : Gene, do you have any idea who I am? Gene Bergman : Why are you so starstruck? In New York, we lived next door to the man who won the Nobel Prize in physics. Annie Bergman : Yeah, but I didn't lose my virginity listening to one of his lectures on quantum theory! Gene Bergman : Alice, would you do me one more little favor? Alice Cooper : Sure, Gene. Us guys with girls' names have got to stick together. Gene Bergman : (to Jack Travis) The most diffacult task is to raise a family. Brain: (reading) Gene, The hardest thing to do is: avoiding taxes Gene Bergman : (angry at being out smarted) Are you just here to state the obvious. Brain: (still reading) No, I'm here to point out your obvious shortcomings. Gene Bergman : Why don't I just get rid of him. Brain: (Still reading) Because I figure out your Income Tax for free. Jack Travis : He's got you on a Technacality there Gene. Movie Title: See No Evil, Hear No Evil (1989) as Dave: Dave : Tell me the first thing that pops in your head. Wally : Pussy! Dave : And then one day, my wife turned into this remarkable creature that could sit on the end of a broom stick and take off. She could actually achieve flight. Wally : I think I was married to that woman once. Dave : Small world. Hotel Clerk: Dr. Kesselring, we thought you wouldn't make it, did you have trouble with your visa? Dave : Yes and zen suddeny dey excepted American Express. Wally : Yes, don't go home without it. Capt. Braddock : Okay no more bullshit [to Dave, talking fast] Capt. Braddock : was there or wasn't there a woman? Dave : Are you serious? Capt. Braddock : Yes I'm goddamn serious. Dave : Fuzzy Wuzzy was a woman? Dave : Today I threatened to shoot a naked woman with my erection. Dave : You swear an awful lot. Wally : You're fucking-A right! Dave : Who are you talking to?! Wally : I'm talking to you, you prick. Dave : Why don't you look me in the eye and say that? Wally : I would if I could but I can't, I'm blind. Dave : You're blind?! Wally : Yes I'm blind, what are you fucking deaf? Dave : Yes, I'm fucking deaf! Wally : You're really deaf? Dave : I'm really deaf. Wally : Then how do you know what I'm saying? Dave : Because I'm reading your lips now you want the job or not? Dave : Well excuse me! Pardon em moi, masseur hot shit! Wally : Where are we? Dave : Probably on our way to New Jersey by now. Wally : No kidding! I got family in there! Do you wanna come with me? Dave : Of course. You've earned my trust, Wally. You've been a very good friend to me these past couple days. You're always there for me. You never get me into trouble. Sometimes it seems a bit boring but that's a small price to pay for such a wonderful friendship. Wally : That's beautiful, Dave. Do you mean everything you just said? Dave : I'll tell you how I really feel in about a minute or two. Right now I'm a little overwhelmed by the STINK of the seven tons of garbage that you drove us into!!! Wally : Is THAT what it is?! I thought you let one go! That's why I didn't say anything! Dave : That's very kind of you! Thank you! Wally : These streets are bumpy. Dave : You're driving on the sidewalk! Wally : Where are we? Dave : I think we're floating towards New Jersey. Dave : We're in a warehouse, and you just hit a cow. I think we better back up. Adele : I think David got a little messed up. Dave : What did she say? Wally : She said she thinks you're an asshole! [Dave doesn't hold up any fingers.] Dave : How many fingers am I holding up in front of your eyes right now? Wally : Three! Dave : That's good. That's pretty good, considering that he's blind. Wally : [Yelling in Dave's ear] SHAZAAM!! CAN YOU HEAR ME?! Dave : Wally! I heard you!! I heard your voice!! Wally : Hooray! You can hear me! Dave : WHAT? Wally : You can hear me! Dave : NO, SCHMUCK!! I'M DEAF! NOW YOU'VE DONE IT!! Dave : Fucking-A. Something bothers you, fuck it. Your wife leaves you, fuck her. Your boss fires you, fuck him. Fucking-A. Fuckin'em. Right? Wally : You're fucking right! Dave : It's a gift to be able to do that. Movie Title: The Frisco Kid (1979) as Avram: [Trying to catch a wild chicken] Avram : Come here little chicken. I don't want to hurt you. I just want to eat you. [The chicken flies away] Avram : I don't want to hurt you! I just want to make you kosher! [Avram teaches some Indians how Jews dance] Avram : Watch that lady. I think she's a Jewish Indian. Avram : [narrating] It says in the Torah to find thyself a teacher. This I have done. There were times, however, when I feared my teacher would find another student. Avram : I'm from Poland. Tommy : Is that near Pittsburgh? Avram : No, that's near Czechoslovakia. Tommy : What do you call this part of the horse? Avram : The tuches! Tommy : Well, you just keep your eyes on this took-iss, and don't take them off 'till we get to San Francisco! Movie Title: The Adventure of Sherlock Holmes' Smarter Brother (1975) as Sigerson Holmes: Orville : Are you Mister S., for Sigerson, Holmes? Sigerson Holmes : Perhaps. Orville : Do you have a brother whose first name is Sherlock? Sigerson Holmes : I do not. Orville : You do have a brother? Sigerson Holmes : I do. Orville : Might I inquire as to his first name? Sigerson Holmes : "Sheer luck." Sigerson Holmes : The clue obviously lies in the word "cheddar." Let's see now. Seven letters. Rearranged, they come to, let me see: "Rachedd." "Dechdar." "Drechad." "Chaderd" - hello, chaderd! Unless I'm very much mistaken, chaderd is the Egyptian word meaning "to eat fat." Now we're getting somewhere! Sigerson Holmes : You call this tea? Orville : No, I call that hot water. |
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