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 Kevin Nealon QuotationMovie Title: Saturday Night Live: 25th Anniversary (1999) as Kevin Nealon: Kevin Nealon : Hey, Lorne, you were great in Austin Powers! Just so hilarious! Evil, really funny. Lorne Michaels : Thanks. Kevin Nealon : And you were good too, Mini-Lorne Michaels. Verne Troyer: Thanks, Kevin. Lorne Michaels : How are you Mini-Lorne? You hungry? Would you like a Hot Pocket? Can I get a frickin' Hot Pocket around here? Movie Title: Saturday Night Live: The Best of Adam Sandler (1999) as Kevin Nealon: Kevin Nealon : Now someone told me you guzzled 32 beers in some beer guzzling contest. What happened after that? Cajun Man : HallucinaSHON. Kevin Nealon : Who did you see? Cajun Man : SaTON. Kevin Nealon : Anyone with him? Cajun Man : Jim MorriSON. Kevin Nealon : Wow. How'd you deal with that? Cajun Man : DefficaSHON. Kevin Nealon : Now, you also judge a wet T-shirt contest. What made you decide on the winner? Cajun Man : MelON. Kevin Nealon : Did you have any luck with her? Cajun Man : RejectSHON. Kevin Nealon : That's too bad. Cajun Man : LesbiON. Kevin Nealon : How did you know that? Cajun Man : IntuiSHON. Kevin Nealon : Cajun Man, what's the matter? Cajun Man : DepresSHON. Kevin Nealon : Don't worry, Cajun Man, there's plenty of other women out there. You'll find someone. Cajun Man : The Love ConnecSHON? Kevin Nealon : Well thanks for coming, Cajun Man, you want to say hello to someone? Cajun Man : John GoodMON. Kevin Nealon : Now Cajun Man, when you're down on Daytona Beach alot, how's your body looking? Cajun Man : DefiniSHON. Kevin Nealon : How do you stay thin? Cajun Man : MetaboliSOM. Kevin Nealon : Cajun Man! Cajun Man : LibosucSHON. Movie Title: Saturday Night Live: The Best of Chris Rock (1999) as Kevin Nealon: Chris Rock : There's this big fuss about prison over crowding! Prison over crowding. I don't get it. I thought that was the whole idea of prison, a place for prisoners to feel uncomfortable. At my house we used to sleep four to a bed but we never tried to hang my father. Jails are so nice they go back twice. They don't have this problem in other countries. Nobody goes to Siberia twice. Nobody goes to Iran twice because it's hard to snatch another purse if you don't got another hand. It's pretty hard to lie to the judge with no tongue in your mouth! We're too nice to our criminals! Prisoners get three meals a day, homeless people don't get anything. That's messed up. I think criminals should get one meal a day: dinner. And not on a tray like normal people, they should put a cow in the courtyard and whatever happens, happens. You miss a meal go to deathrow and get the extra meat off the electric chair. I know that's harsh, but I hate the electric chair. Because electricity goes through there and electricity costs money, tax payers money! My $50! There are alot of cheap ways to kill someone. Like stabbing don't cost a damn thing. Get a stabbing chair. That's all I got to say, Man! Kevin Nealon : Chris Rock, ladies and gentlemen. Kevin Nealon : Well it's the season premier of Saturday Night Live, alot of us here at the show look at this as the first day of school. Here with his comments is Chris Rock. Chris Rock : Thank you, Kevin, now to most people, the first day of school was a happy time but not to me, know why? Because I was bussed to school, was very hard being bussed to school. Know what that meant? It means I had to get up every morning at six o'clock in the morning to compete with white kids who didn't have to wake up until eight. And that's not fair! Now say I lower my head on the desk, teacher going "Chris can't read." No, Chris is tired alright! Give me a nap and maybe I'll pass the damn test! Kevin Nealon : This Monday, America celebrates what would've been Martin Luther King's 63rd birthday. Most people will get the day off work, except the residents of Arizona who voted against the King holiday, more on this from SNL news correspondant Chris Rock. Chris Rock : Now there's alot of talk about the people of Arizona being racist. So I went to see for myself, I went to Arizona and I'm walking through the streets of Tucson pushing my little baby brother in a stroller when a white woman comes up to the baby, smiles and says 'Boy what a pretty niglet.' Now if you don't like black people, that's one thing, but what I can't understand is why people in a hot-ass desert town like Tucson, Arizona wouldn't want a day off work. It's not like you have to do something black on that day. You don't have to ready Ebony magazine, you don't have to watch Soul Train, all you have to do is not work. Now if this was an Elvis holiday, they'd take that off. It would be like another Christmas. With big fat white guys coming down chimneys with Elvis jumpsuits on, giving out preyludes. Now, everybody doesn't get Martin Luther King's birthday off, even the states that celebrate, some people still have to work. Now one group that never have to work are prisoners. Criminals. Every ciminal in every jail get's the day off work, which means even James Earl Rey, the man who killed Martin Luther King get's the day off. He's so crazy, he's probably walking around prison saying, "Everybody get's the day off today and nobody even bothered to thank me. " Now what Arizona needs to do is give Dr. King somebody else's holiday. There are so many holidays we celebrate every year that mean nothing. Like Columbus Day. Nobody celebrates Columbus Day, nobody puts three ships in their front yard. First of all, Columbus discovered the West Indies. Second of all, the land he discovered had occupants on it. That's like discovering someone's back yard. All Columbus did was discover a West Indian back yard. He got his little flag and said "I claim this land for Spain." And the West Indians are like, "Hey, Mon, get your darn flag off me lawn now. Move it now!" So Arizona, get your act together and hail the King! Thank you very much. Movie Title: Eight Crazy Nights (2002) as Mayor: Mayor : Whitey, for the first time your partner Davey Stone did something good for this community. Eleanore : What'd he do? Steal beer for everyone? Davey : Good night, mayor! And the answer to your question is Spencer's Gifts. They definitely have furry underwear. Old Lady : [disgusted at the mayor] You're gross. Mayor : Ohh... Movie Title: Little Nicky (2000) as Gatekeeper: Gatekeeper : Are there boobs on my head? Nicky : Yeah, big ones. Movie Title: Happy Gilmore (1996) as Gary Potter: [Happy Gilmore cheers and uses a golf club to do bull dance] Gary Potter : [to his caddy] Doing the Bull Dance, feeling the flow. Working, working. Movie Title: Saturday Night Live: The Best of Phil Hartman (1998) as Private Bennett: [after a recruit laughs at a joke] Drill Instructor : Who thinks that's funny? Who just wrote his own... not-alive-anymore certificate? Was it you, soldier? You think the army's just one big joke... building. What's your name? Private Bennett : Sir, Bennett, sir! Drill Instructor : Well, not anymore, Bennett! From now on, your name is Mister... Smiling, Laughing, Joking Around Man! Movie Title: Saturday Night Live 80 (1975) as Kevin Nealon: Kevin Nealon : In health news, scientists have announced the invention of a women's condom. The condom works by fitting snugly over a woman's wine glass. ["Weekend Update" closing line] Kevin Nealon : I'm Kevin Nealon and that's news to me. Kevin Nealon : [After the audience groans at a gag on "Weekend Update"] Don't blame me. I just thought of it, wrote it, and delivered it. Movie Title: Saturday Night Live: The Best of Chris Farley (1998) as Kevin Nealon: Kevin Nealon : And now here with another commentary is update commentary, Bennet Brauer. Bennet Brauer : That's right, Bennet Brauer here with another commentary. Didn't think the suits would have me back perhaps. Thought they'd have my dairy-air replaced by one of tem store mannequin well maybe I'm not "The norm." I'm not "Camera Friendly", I don't "Wear clothes that fit me", I'm not a "heartbreaker", I haven't had "sex with a woman", I don't know "How that works", I don't "Fall in line", I'm not "hygienic", I don't "Wipe properly", I lack "style", I don't have "self-esteem", I have no "Charisma", I don't "Own a toothbrush", I don't "Let my scabs here", I can't "Reach all the parts of my body", when I sleep I sweat profusely. But I guess the powers that be will keep signing my pay check until Jack and Jane K. Viewer start to go for the remote so they can get back to commentators who don't "frighten children", who don't "eat their own dandruff", who don't "pop their whiteheads with a compass they used in high school". Thank you, Kevin. Kevin Nealon : Bennet Brauer, ladies and gentlemen. |
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