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 W.C. Fields Quotation"'Twas a woman drove me to drink. I never had the courtesy to thank her." "I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast." Asked why he never drank water: "Fish fuck in it." When asked what he would like his epitaph to read: "on the whole, I'd rather be in Philadelphia" (When asked whether he liked children) "Ah yes...boiled or fried." (When "caught" reading a Bible) "Just looking for loopholes." "Wouldn't it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol?" "I like, in an audience, the fellow who roars continuously at the troubles of the character I am portraying on the stage, but he probably has a mean streak in him and, if I needed ten dollars, he'd be the last person I'd call upon. I'd go first to the old lady and old gentleman back in Row S who keep wondering what there is to laugh at." "Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people." "Hey, who took the cork off my lunch?" "If at first you don't succeed, try, try, and try again. Then give up. There's no use being a damned fool about it." "Start every day with a smile, and get it over with." "The only thing a lawyer won't question is the legitimacy of his mother." "What fiend put pineapple juice in my pineapple juice?" "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then give up. No use being a damned fool about it." "Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite, and furthermore always carry a small snake." "Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew, and we were forced to live on nothing but food and water for days." "What a gorgeous day. What effulgent sunshine. It was a day of this sort the McGillicuddy brothers murdered their mother with an axe." "Hell, I never vote for anybody. I always vote against." "Children should neither be seen nor heard from - ever again." (looking back on his life) "You know, I'd like to see how I would've made out without liquor." Movie Title: My Little Chickadee (1940) as Cuthbert J. Twillie: Cuthbert J. Twillie : May I present my card? Flower Belle Lee : 'Novelties and Notions.' What kind of notions you got? Cuthbert J. Twillie : You'd be surprised. Some are old, some are new. Whom have I the honor of addressing? Flower Belle Lee : Mmm, call me Flower Belle. Cuthbert J. Twillie : Flower Belle, what a euphonious appellation. Easy on the ears and a banquet for the eyes. Flower Belle Lee : You're kinda cute yourself. Cuthbert J. Twillie : Thank you. I never argue with a lady. Flower Belle Lee : Smart boy. Mrs. Gideon : Ohhh! I hope that wasn't whiskey you were drinking. Cuthbert J. Twillie : Ah, no, dear, just a little sheep dip. Panacea for all stomach ailments. Cuthbert J. Twillie : Tell me, prairie flower, can you give me the inside info on yon damsel with the hothouse cognomen? Mrs. Gideon : Do you mean Miss Flower Belle Lee? Cuthbert J. Twillie : I don't mean some woman out in China. Mrs. Gideon : Well! I'm afraid I can't say anything good about her. Cuthbert J. Twillie : I can see what's good. Tell me the rest. Cuthbert J. Twillie : Come, my fox, my flower! I have some very definite pear-shaped ideas that I'd like to discuss with thee. Milton : Big chief gottum new squaw? Cuthbert J. Twillie : New is right. She hasn't been unwrapped yet. Cuthbert J. Twillie : During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. Compelled to live on food and water ... Gambler: Will you play cards! Cuthbert J. Twillie : - for several days. Cousin Zeb : Uh, is this a game of chance? Cuthbert J. Twillie : Not the way I play it, no. Cuthbert J. Twillie : Sleep! The most beautiful experience in life. Except drink. Barfly: Squawk Mulligan tells me you buried your wife several years ago. Cuthbert J. Twillie : Ah yes. I had to. She died. Cuthbert J. Twillie : If a thing is worth having, it's worth cheating for. Cuthbert J. Twillie : Will you take me? Flower Belle Lee : I'll take you - and how. Movie Title: The Big Broadcast of 1938 (1938) as S.B. Bellows: First reporter : Say, do you know anything about electricity? S.B. Bellows : My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at State Prison. Grace Fielding : Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Bellows. I didn't recognize you in this bad light. S.B. Bellows : Ah, everybody seems to see me in a bad light. Lord Droopy : Aren't you awake yet? S.B. Bellows : Ohhhhh! I don't know. I haven't looked yet. S.B. Bellows : Meet me down in the bar! We'll drink breakfast together. S.B. Bellows : Never mind what I tell you to do. You do what *I* tell you! Movie Title: The Bank Dick (1940) as Egbert Sousé: Egbert Sousé : Og Oggilby... sounds like a bubble in a bathtub! Egbert Sousé : Was I in here last night and did I spend a twenty dollar bill? Joe Guelpe : Yeah. Egbert Sousé : Oh boy, what a load that is off my mind! I thought I'd lost it. J. Frothingham Waterbury : Gosh!... Oh, pardon my language. Egbert Sousé : That's okay. I swear sometimes myself. Egbert Sousé : My uncle, a balloon ascensionist, Effingham Hoofnagle, took a chance. He was three miles and a half up in the air. He jumped out of the basket of the balloon and took a chance of landing on a load of hay. Og Oggilby : Golly! Did he make it? Egbert Sousé : Uh... no. He didn't. Had he been a younger man, he probably would have made it. That's the point. Don't wait too long in life. Egbert Sousé : Don't be a luddy-duddy! Don't be a mooncalf! Don't be a jabbernowl! You're not those, are you? Egbert Sousé : I'm very fond of children. Girl children, around eighteen and twenty. Elsie Mae Adele Brunch Sousé : What's the matter, Pop? Don't you love me? Egbert Sousé : [raising his hand in anger] Certainly I love you! Agatha Sousé : Don't you dare strike that child! Egbert Sousé : She's not gonna tell ME I don't love her. Og Oggilby : Oh... I knew this would happen! I was a perfect idiot to ever listen to you! Egbert Sousé : You listen to me, Og! There's nothing in this world that is perfect. Movie Title: It's a Gift (1934) as Harold: Harold : Vegetable man? Vegetable gentleman? Insurance Salesman : Do you know a man by the name of LaFong? Carl LaFong? Capital L, small a, Capital F, small o, small n, small g. LaFong. Carl LaFong. Harold : No, I don't know Carl LaFong - capital L, small a, capital F, small o, small n, small g. And if I did know Carl LaFong, I wouldn't admit it! [Harold has slipped on a skate] Norman : Ha ha. Do it again, Pop. Harold : Shut up! Amelia : Hurt yourself, Dear? Harold : Shut... Umm no, Dear. Amelia : Now look what you've done! Harold : She ran right in front of the car! Amelia : It's a statue, you idiot. Amelia : Seems pretty strange someone would call you from a maternity hospital in the middle of the night. Harold : They didn't call me from a maternity hospital. They called thinking this was the maternity hospital. Harold : Aw, crackers. Good old crackers. That was a smart thing of me to remember the crackers, wasn't it dear? Harold : Sufferin' sciatica! Norman : Hey Pop, who ya think is dying? Harold : Dying what? Norman : Uncle Bean is dying! Harold : Well you don't have to spit in my eye do ya? Mother: Just use your own judgment. Daughter: You tell me where to go. Harold : [muttering] I'd like to tell you both where to go. Insurance Salesman : If you should live to be 100... [Harold chases him off the deck] Harold : And suppose I live to be 200, I'll get a philosopede! Old Man: You're drunk! Harold : And you're crazy. But I'll be sober tomorrow and you'll be crazy the rest of your life. Harold : You all gotta remember one thing: that I [quietly] Harold : am the boss in this house. Everett : I told him I wouldn't do it if I was him. Harold : You told him you wouldn't do it if you was him. Get him outta here! [Harold ripped a pillow playing with the dog] Amelia : Those were my mother's feathers! Harold : Never knew your mother had feathers. Harold : This sun dial is way off. Amelia : Yes, the sun is wrong but your watch is always right. Insurance Salesman : How old are you? Harold : None of your business. Insurance Salesman : I'd say you were a man about 50. Harold : You would say that. Amelia : Harold! Harold : Don't argue with them, dear, they're beneath our dignity. Amelia : Why were you sitting there like a stone image while those men were insulting me? Harold : I was just waiting for one of'em to say something to me. Movie Title: The Dentist (1932) as Dentist: Dentist : That kid's so dumb he doesn't even know what time it is. Charley Frobisher : By the way, what time is it? Dentist : I don't know. Dentist : Now, have you ever had this tooth pulled, before? Dentist : Get those teeth out of there, they're in my lie. Movie Title: The Golf Specialist (1930) as J. Effingham Bellweather: J. Effingham Bellweather : You know, I've never struck a woman in my life. Mrs. Detective: You haven't? J. Effingham Bellweather : Not even my own mother. J. Effingham Bellweather : Ohhh! Godfrey Daniel! J. Effingham Bellweather : Don't stand there! Don't you know I'll smite you in the sconce with this truncheon? Movie Title: You're Telling Me! (1934) as Sam Bisbee: Sam Bisbee : It's a funny ol' world...Man's lucky if he gets out of it alive. Movie Title: Poppy (1936) as Professor Eustace McGargle: Professor Eustace McGargle : Ah, what a charming little lean-to! Professor Eustace McGargle : And if we should ever separate, my little plum, I want to give you one little piece of fatherly advice. Poppy : Yes Pop. Professor Eustace McGargle : Never give a sucker an even break. Movie Title: You Can't Cheat an Honest Man (1939) as Whipsnade: Whipsnade : I'm taking on the personality of a Mexican jumping bean. First the contortionist gets rheumatism. Then the sword-swallower gets tonsilitis. Hope nothing happens to that fan dancer... not 'til I get rid of this cold, anyway. Whipsnade : You kids are disgusting! Standing around all day, reeking of popcorn and lollipops. Whipsnade : [sings in shower] I'd rather have two girls / At twenty-one each / Than one girl at forty-two! Man: There's been a mistake in my change. Whipsnade : Ah, at long last, an honest man. Want to return some money? Man: No, I'm short! Whipsnade : Don't brag about it. I'm only five-feet-eight myself. Whipsnade : As my dear old grandfather Litvak said (just before they swung the trap), he said "You can't cheat an honest man. Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump." Whipsnade : Never trust a ventriloquist or a barber. Movie Title: The Fatal Glass of Beer (1933) as Mr. Snavely: Mr. Snavely : Once the city gets into a ba-hoy's sa-histem, he a-loses his a-hankerin', for the ca-huntry. Mr. Snavely : I think I'll go milk the elk. Mrs. Snavely : He wants more money and if he don't get it, he'll take our malamutes. Mr. Snavely : He won't take old Bozo, my lead dog. Mrs. Snavely : Why not, Pa? Mr. Snavely : 'Cause I et him. Mrs. Snavely : You ET him? Mr. Snavely : He was mighty good with mustard. Mr. Snavely : And it ain't a fit night out for man nor beast. CORRECT, Mr. Snavely : [trying to play the bugle] The cold has affected my embouchure. Movie Title: Never Give a Sucker an Even Break (1941) as The Great Man: The Great Man : I didn't squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn't see the horse that used to be tethered outside here. His Niece : We're dropping 2,000 feet! The Great Man : It's all right, dear. Don't start worrying 'til we get down 1,999. The last foot is dangerous. The Great Man : You're about to fall heir to a kitten's stocking. Heckler: What's a kitten's stocking? The Great Man : A sock on the puss. The Great Man : How'd you like to hide the egg and gurgitate a few saucers of mocha java? Waitress : And another thing. Don't be so free with your hands. The Great Man : Listen, honey. I was only trying to guess your weight. You take things too seriously. Receptionist : Some day you'll drown in a vat of whiskey! The Great Man : Drown in a vat of whiskey. Death, where is thy sting? Stewardess: Can I get you a bromo? The Great Man : No, I couldn't stand the noise. His Niece : Why didn't you ever marry? The Great Man : I was in love with a beautiful blonde once, dear. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for. The Great Man : Suffering sciatica! Movie Title: International House (1933) as Professor Quail: Peggy : Won't you join me in a glass of wine? Professor Quail : You get in first, and if there's room enough I'll join you. [Peggy finds a litter of assorted kittens on her seat] Peggy : I wonder what their parents were. Professor Quail : Careless, my little dove cake, careless. Professor Quail : Hey! Where am I? Woman: Wu-Hu. Professor Quail : Woo-Hoo to you sweetheart. Hey Charlie, where am I? Hotel Manager : WU-HU! [Professor Quail removes the flower from his lapel] Professor Quail : Don't let the posy fool you! Hotel Manager : I'm the manager of this hotel. Professor Quail : I wouldn't brag about it if I were you. [Professor Quail enters during Rudy Vallee's song] Professor Quail : How long's this dogfight been going on? Peggy : I'm sitting on something! Professor Quail : I lost mine in the stock market. |
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