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 Matt LeBlanc QuotationMovie Title: Ed (1996) as Jack "Duece" Cooper: Jack "Duece" Cooper : I am going to spank that monkey! Movie Title: Joey (2004) as Joey Tribbiani: [from trailer] Joey Tribbiani : Welcome to Hollywood Minute. I am name. [from trailer] Gina Tribbiani : I thought you and Chandler should have moved out a long time ago. It's a very vibrant gay scene. Joey Tribbiani : Chandler and I are not a gay couple! Movie Title: Lost in Space (1998) as Major West: Major West : You know, I'm thinking this is your "kiss for luck" situation. Judy Robinson : Thinking. Not your strong point, is it? Major West : 8 years of flight training. Navigational holographics online. 50 combat missions. Course confirmed for slingshot exit of the solar system. Just so I could take the family camper on an interstellar picnic. Major West : OK, last one to kill a bad guy buys the beer. Dr. Zachary Smith : Like the drip, drip, drip of blood... Major West : You really need to shut up. [Launching the Jupiter-1] Major West : And the monkey flips the switch. Major West : I don't like the sound of that sound. Major West : If there's no time for fun, Doc, then what are we saving the planet for? [The Robinson family shares a tender moment of love as they are reunited] Major West : You know, the planet IS breaking up around us. [Major West arms the Proteus' reactor to explode, to kill the Space Spiders] John Robinson : What are you doing? Major West : You never leave an enemy stronghold intact. John Robinson : Major, stop. Major West : One of your father's first rules of engagement. John Robinson : That's a direct order. Major West : I hate spiders. [The Jupiter II is hurtling towards the Sun] John Robinson : We're caught in the sun's gravitational pull. We're headed straight for it. Major West : Oh, really? So that's what the big yellow ball is. Major West : It's still working. John Robinson : What? Major West : The hyperdrive. If we can't go around the Sun, then we go straight through it, using your hyperdrive. John Robinson : But, without a hypergate, the exit vector's random. There's no telling where we'd come out. Major West : Anywhere but here. Major West : I'm going to try to break us out of the atmosphere. John Robinson : No, we don't have enough core material for that. Major West : Well, maybe if we catch one of the thermal... John Robinson : No, it won't work. I *know*. We have to go... down. Through the planet as she's breaking up. We can use the planet's gravity... Major West : What? John Robinson : To throw us ut the other side and back into space! Major West : That's insane! John Robinson : I don't have time to argue. Major West : If this is all a dream, why can't there be more girls? Movie Title: Friends (1994) as Joey: Ross : I would date her but there is a big age difference. Joey : Well think about it when you're 90... Ross : I know, she'll be 80 and it won't be such a big difference. Joey : No. What I was gonna say is when you're 90 you'll still have the memory of what it was like to be with a 20-year-old. Monica : Hey. Where is he, where's Richard? Did you ditch him? Joey : Yeah right after we stole his lunch money and gave him a wedgie. What's the matter with you, he's parking the car. [Joey comes out from his room wearing ridiculous clothes. He has to look nineteen for an audition] Joey : 'Sup? 'Sup, dude? Chandler : [putting his hands up] Take whatever you want, just please don't hurt me. Joey : So, you're playing a little Playstation, huh? That's whack. Playstation is whack. 'Sup with the whack Playstation, 'sup? Huh? Come on, am I nineteen or what? Chandler : Yes, on a scale from one to ten, ten being the dumbest a person can look, you are definitely nineteen. [Monica's been leaving candy for the neighbors outside her door, and they got hooked on it] Chandler : What the hell's going on here? You formed a mob outside our apartment? This woman tried to do something nice for you people. This is how you thank her? I bet you none of you know her name. Neighbor: Yeah, we do. Candy lady. Chandler : Okay, that's it. Everybody get out of here. Go home. Joey : Yeah, go home. [goes inside the apartment, and starts eating the candy] Monica : Thank you. I was really scared for a minute. Somebody left this threatening note. Joey : [takes note] Oh, yeah. Sorry about that. Mob mentality... Ross : [receiving his Christmas gift] You got me a cola drink. Chandler : And a LEMON LIME. Ross : You shouldn't have. I feel like I should get you another sweater. Joey : And last but not least. [Monica receives her gift] Joey : They're RIBBED FOR YOUR PLEASURE. Ross : You know how at the end of the day, you throw your jacket over a chair? Joey : Yeah? Ross : Well at her place, instead of a jacket, it's a pile of garbage. And instead of a chair, it's a pile of garbage. And instead of the end of the day, it's the end of time, and garbage is all that has survived. [after Monica gets a disastrous haircut] Ross : How's Monica? Phoebe : She's calmed down a bit. I put a clip on one side, which seems to have stopped the curling. Ross : How's the hair? Phoebe : I'm not gonna lie to you Ross. It doesn't look good. Joey : Can we see her? Phoebe : No, your hair looks too good. I think it would only upset her. Rachel : Oh. Phoebe : Ross, you can go on in. Monica : Also, just so you know, I'm not making a turkey this year. Joey : What? Monica : Well, Pheobe doesn't eat turkey... Joey : Pheobe. Phoebe : Turkey's are beautiful, intelligent animals. Joey : No they're not. They're ugly and stupid and delicious. Chandler : All right, you will notice that I am fully dressed. I, in turn, have noticed that you are not. So in the words of A. A. Milne, "Get out of my chair, dillhole." Joey : Okay. [He gets up and takes the cushions with him, as he starts to leave] Chandler : What are you doing? Joey : You said I had to give you the chair, you didn't say anything about the cushions. Chandler : The cushions are the essence of the chair. Joey : THAT'S RIGHT. I'm taking the ESSENCE. Chandler : Oh-ho, he'll be back. Oh-ho, there's nobody in the room. Joey : [Chick Jr and Duck Jr are trapped in the Foosball table] Does that mean we're gonna have to bust it open? Chandler : I don't know. Maybe. Joey : Oh my God! Chandler : I know, it's the Foosball table. Joey : All right, you know what? We don't have a choice. It's like what I'd have said in that Sci-Fi movie if I'd gotten the part: "Those are our men in there, and we have to get 'em out. Even if I have to sacrifice the most important thing in my life... my time machine." Monica : What you guys don't understand is, for us, kissing is as important as any part of it. Joey : Yeah, right!... Y'serious? Phoebe : Oh, yeah! Rachel : Everything you need to know is in that first kiss. Monica : Absolutely. Chandler : Yeah, I think for us, kissing is pretty much like an opening act, y'know? I mean it's like the stand-up comedian you have to sit through before Pink Floyd comes out. Ross : Yeah, and-and it's not that we don't like the comedian, it's that-that... that's not why we bought the ticket. Chandler : The problem is, though, after the concert's over, no matter how great the show was, you girls are always looking for the comedian again, y'know? I mean, we're in the car, we're fighting traffic... basically just trying to stay awake. Rachel : Yeah, well, word of advice: Bring back the comedian. Otherwise next time you're gonna find yourself sitting at home, listening to that album alone. Joey : [pause] ... Are we still talking about sex? [Joey finds out Chandler likes his girlfriend] Joey : Did you sleep with her? Chandler : No, we just kissed. Joey : That's even worse. Chandler : How is that worse? Joey : I don't know, but it's the same. Joey : Here it is buddy boy, you hide my clothes, I'm wearing everything you own. Chandler : Oh My God, that is so not the opposite of taking someone's underwear. Joey : Look at me, I'm Chandler, could I *be* wearing anymore clothes? Monica : My motto is get out before they go down. Joey : That is so not my motto. Chandler : [to Joey who's removing his tie] Would you put that back on? Monica's gonna be here any minute. Joey : But it hurt's my Joey's Apple. Chandler : [frustrated] Okay, for the last time. It's not named for each individual man. [In the Central Perk, Joey told Ross he likes Rachel] Ross : I don't... Rachel? Joey : Ross... Ross : Rachel? [Ross leaves; Joey turns around and finds Gunther right behind him] Gunther : RACHEL? Joey : Ok Ross, you're gettin a divorce... you're angry, you're hurtin... can I tell you what the answer is?... STRIP JOINTS! Come on! You're single! Have some hormones! Ross : But I don't want to be single... I just want to be married again [Rachel walks in wearing wedding dress] Chandler : And I just want a million dollars! [Re: "If you had to give up sex or food, which would you pick?"] Monica : Sex! Chandler : Seriously. Answer faster. Monica : I'm sorry, sweetie. When she said "sex" I wasn't thinking of sex with you. Chandler : It's like a big hug. Phoebe : Ross, how about you? Sex or food? Ross : Sex! Phoebe : What about sex or dinosaurs? Ross : My God, it's like Sophie's Choice. Phoebe : Joey, if you had to give up sex or food, which would you pick? Joey : I don't know it's too hard. Rachel : Come on, you have to answer. Joey : Okay... sex. No, food. No, uh... I want both! I want girls on bread! Phoebe : They don't know we know they know we know. And Joey, you can't say anything. Joey : Couldn't if I wanted to. Joey : [sees Rachel and Chandler eating cheesecake off the floor] All right, what are we having? [takes out a fork and starts to eat with them] Chandler : What are we gonna do? What are we gonna DO? Joey : Uh, uh, we'll flip for it, ducks or clowns. Candler: Oh, we're gonna flip for the baby? Joey : You got a better idea? Chandler : All right, call it in the air. Joey : Heads. Chandler : Heads it is. Joey : Yess! Whoo! Chandler : We have to assign heads to something! Joey : Right, okay, okay, uhhh, ducks is heads, because ducks... have heads. Chandler : What kinda' scary-ass clowns came to your birthday? [after catching Ross kissing Chandler's mother in front of the male bathroom] Joey : I'll just go pee in the street. Joey : And you call yourself an accountant? Chandler : ...No. [Joey and Chandler apartment has been robbed] Joey : Aw, man. He took the five of spades. [looks through deck] Joey : No, here it is. Joey : I can pass for 19, right? Chandler : Yes, you can pass for 19. Joey : Really? Chandler : Yes. Joey : Seriously. Chandler : Seriously? Seriously, no, okay? You can play your own age, which is 31. Joey : [gasps] I'm 30. Rachel : Joey, you are not; you're 31. Joey : Aw, crap. [when Joey asks why Chandler's friend is called Gandalf] Chandler : Didn't you read Lord of the Rings in High School? Joey : No. I had sex in High School. Ross : Okay, okay. But if she doesn't call, it is definitely over. No, wait, wait. Unless eventually I call her, you know, just to see what's going on and she says she'll call me back, but then she doesn't. Then it's over. Joey : Way to be strong, man. Rachel : Guess what. Barry and Mindy are getting a divorce. Joey : [looking at Ross] How dare you. Monica : No. Barry and Mindy. Joey : Oh, sorry, I hear "divorce" and I automatically go to Ross. Joey : Just tell him Joey sent you. He'll know what it means. Chandler : Gee, I don't know. Do you think he'll be able to crack your code? Joey : And look. A phone in the bathroom. Monica : Joey, don't ever call me from that phone. Joey : Want some jam? Chandler : No thanks, I just had a jar of mustard. [Joey has packed an emergency kit with food, Mad-Libs and condoms] Chandler : Condoms? Joey : We don't know how long we're gonna be stuck here. We might have to repopulate the world. Chandler : And condoms are the way to do that? Joey : What? You made a bet. A bet is a bet. You bet on a bet, and if you lose you lose the bet. Rachel : Finally. I get to see what Joey Tribianni is like on a date. So, you got any moves? Joey : No. I'm just myself, and if the girl doesn't like that then- [breaks down laughing] Joey : I'm sorry, I couldn't even get through that. Ross : Monica categorizes her towels. How many categories are there? Joey : Everyday use... Chandler : Fancy... Joey : Guest... Chandler : Fancy Guest... Ross : Two seconds. Joey : Uh, uh... Eleven. Ross : Amazing. Eleven is correct. Ross : You know how at the end of the day, you throw your jacket over a chair? Joey : Yeah? Ross : Well at her place, instead of a jacket, it's a pile of garbage. And instead of a chair, it's a pile of garbage. Joey : She thinks she's the greatest actress since... since... sliced bread. Chandler : Ah yes, sliced bread. A wonderful Lady Macbeth. [Carol is nursing Ben] Ross : This is the most beautiful, natural thing in the world. Joey : Yeah, but there's a baby sucking on it. Joey : [watching Carol nursing Ben] If you blow into one side, does the other get bigger? Phoebe : [As Ross sits down on the sofa, Pheobe begins "cleansing his aura"] Ross : Oh no, no stop cleansing my aura... Phoebe : But... [continues] Ross : No just leave my aura alone... OK? Phoebe : Fine... be murky... Ross : I'll be fine... really you guys, I hope she'll be very happy... Monica : No you don't... Ross : No I don't! To hell with her! She left me! Joey : You never knew she was a lesbian... Ross : [stares at Joey... ] No! OK? Why does everyone keep fixating on that? She didn't know. How should I know? Chandler : Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian... [everyone stares at Chandler] Chandler : ... Did I say that out loud? Joey : Why do you have to break up with her? Be a man. Just stop calling. Joey : Ross, if homo sapiens actually were HOMO sapiens, is that why they<sum>re exctinct? Ross : Joey, they are people. Joey : Hey, I'm not judging. [Ross and Joey's first meeting] Ross : [glum] My wife's a lesbian. Joey : Cool. Chandler : Ross, this is Joey. Joey, Ross. [Flipping a coin to choose between "ducks" and "clowns."] Joey : "Heads" should be ducks, because ducks have heads. Chandler : What kind of scary-ass clowns came to your birthday parties? Monica : Paul, this is everybody. Everybody, this is Paul. Joey : Hey, Paul, the wine guy. Ross : Hey, Paul. Phoebe : Hey, Paul. Rachel : Hi, Paul. Chandler : I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name. Paul, was it? Joey : Hey, I got something for you. Chandler : What's this? Joey : Eight hundred and twelve bucks. Chandler : Well, I don't know what Big Leon told you but it's an even thousand if you want me for the whole night. [Ross is newly divorced from his lesbian wife] Ross : You know what the scariest part is? What if there's only one woman for everybody, you know? I mean, what if you get one woman, and that's it? Unfortunately, in my case, it was only one woman for her. Joey : What are you talking about? One woman? That's like saying there's only one flavor of ice cream for you. Let me tell you something, Ross. There's lots of flavors out there. There's Rocky Road, and Cookie Dough, and Bing. Cherry Vanilla. You could get them with jimmies, or nuts, or whipped cream. This is the best thing that ever happened to you. You got married, you were, what, eight? Welcome back to the world. Grab a spoon. Ross : I honestly don't know if I'm hungry or horny. Chandler : Stay out of my freezer. [Chandler and Joey emerge from the bathroom after hiding from a fight between Ross and Monica] Chandler : That was pretty intense, huh? Joey : Yeah. Hey, I hope Ross didn't think that we just went in there because we were uncomfortable being out here. Chandler : I hope he did. Joey : Pheebs, you wanna help? Phoebe : Oh, I wish I could, but I really don't want to. Ross : You know what? I'd better pass on the game. I'm just gonna go home and think about my ex-wife and her lesbian lover. Joey : The hell with hockey. Let's all do that. Monica : Joey, what would you do if you were omnipotent? Joey : I'd probably kill myself. Monica : Excuse me? Joey : Hey, if "Little Joey"'s dead, then I got no reason to live. Ross : Uh, Joey... Omnipotent. Joey : You are? Ross, I'm sorry. Ross : It would be so cool to live across from you guys. Joey : Hey, yeah. Then we could do that telephone thing. Y'know, you have a can, we have a can and it's connected by a string. Chandler : Or we can do the *actual* telephone thing. Chandler : Men are here. Joey : We make fire. Cook meat. Chandler : Then put out fire by peeing, no get invited back. [Trying to fix up Monica with a date] Joey : Aw, c'mon, this guy's perfect for you. Monica : No, not after your cousin who could belch the alphabet. Chandler : From now on, I have no first name. Joey : So - you're just Bing? Chandler : I have no name. Phoebe : All right, so what are we supposed to call you? Chandler : Okay, for now, temporarily, you can call me... Clint. Joey : No way are you cool enough to pull off Clint. Chandler : Okay, so what name am I cool enough to pull off? Phoebe : Um... Gene. Chandler : It's Clint. It's Clint. Joey : See ya later, Gene. Phoebe : Bye, Gene. Chandler : It's Clint. Clint. Joey : What's up with Gene? Chandler : Am I a Mark or a John? Joey : Well, you're not tall enough to be a Mark... but you might make a good Barney. Ross : And, uh, then I kissed her. Joey : Tongue? Ross : Yeah. Joey : Cool. Rachel : See? Unisex. Joey : Maybe *you* need sex. I just had it a few days ago. Rachel : No, Joey, U-N-I-sex. Joey : I wouldn't say no to that. Chandler : You tried to save a sandwich from a bullet? Joey : I know this doesn't make much sense... Chandler : MUCH sense? Chandler : I got her machine. Joey : Her answering machine? Chandler : No. Interestingly enough, her leaf blower picked up. Chandler : [talking about a dog] What if it attacks me? Joey : Chandler, it's like a big gerbil. Chandler : And that doesn't scare you? [Referring to Janice] Chandler : How can I dump this woman on Valentine's Day? Joey : I don't know. You dumped her on New Year's. Chandler : Oh man. In my next life I'm comin' back as a toilet brush. [Janice enters Central Perk] Janice : [to Chandler] Hello Funny Valentine. Chandler : Hello, Just Janice. [advising Ross about Rachel] Joey : You waited too long and now you're in "The Friend Zone". Chandler : I got a job in advertising. Well, not a paying job. More of an internship. But, they hire people they like. Joey : Yeah, we got interns on "Days of Our Lives". Chandler : Yeah, it's the same thing... except, less sex with you. Joey : Hey, you know, you could always visit him. Phoebe : Oh, right, like they're going to let me have a passport? Joey : It's just my character that's not brain-dead. Joey : The vicar won't be home for hours. Rachel : [shocked] Joey, where'd you learn that word? Joey : Get your sorry, non-believer ass out of my chair. Joey : [mubling over a cell phone to Chandler] Mmmm mmm mmm mmmm mm mmmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm. Chandler : Like that thought never entered my mind. Joey : Rach, you gotta find out if he's in the same place you are. Otherwise, it's just a moo point. Rachel : A moo point? Joey : Yeah. It's like a cow's opinion. It just doesn't matter. It's moo. Rachel : Have I been living with him too long or did that all just make sense? [Chandler walks in] Joey : You know, with that goatee, you kinda look like Satan. Joey : I'm Joey. I'm disgusting. I make low-budget adult films. [Joey walks into the Central Perk coffee shop] Joey : Hey Gunther, have you seen Chandler? Gunther : I thought you were Chandler. [Joey looks disturbed] Gunther : [motioning to Chandler] Um, one of you is over there. [Ross and Rachel are drunk in Vegas] Joey : Hey Rach. How you doin'? Rachel : I'm doing good baby. How you doin'? Joey : Ross. Don't let her drink anymore. Rachel : How do I ask a guy out? Joey : Well when I ask a girl out I look her up and down and say, how you doing? Rachel : ewww Joey : [Turns to Phoebe] How you doing? Phoebe : [Giggles] Just fine. Joey : We're going to London, Baby Chandler : That's not going to get annoying. Phoebe : I just saw somebody that looked like you in the station. I was going to go up to him to tell him. But what does he care he looks like you. Joey : Thanks Phebes, that just cost me four bucks. [Rachel is furious with a noise across the hall and asks what's happening] Joey : It's the chick. She's going through some changes. Monica : What kind of changes? Chandler : The vet seems to think she becoming a rooster. [Rooster crows] Chandler : We're getting second opinion. Joey : All right they got water, orange juice, and what looks like cider. [takes a glass from the fridge] Chandler : Taste it. Joey : [drinks from the glass and puts it back in the fridge] Yep, it's fat. I drank fat. Chandler : Yeah, I know, I did that two minutes ago. Phoebe : [entering in an elegant yellow dress] Hello. Ross : Hey. Joey : Whoa. Ross : Wow, hello. You look great. Phoebe : Thank you. I know, though. [Chandler fights with Joey over a chair] Chandler : All right, fine, you know what, we'll both sit in the chair. [sits on Joey's lap] Chandler : I'm soooo, comfortable. Joey : Me too. In fact, I think I might be a little too comfortable. Chandler : All right. [jumps up] Joey : Where's my underwear? Ross : Whoa, whoa, whoa. You took his underwear? Chandler : He took my essence. Ross : Okay, now hold on. Joey, why can't you just wear the underwear you're wearing now? Joey : Because, I'm not wearing any underwear now. Ross : Okay, then why do you have to wear underwear tonight? Joey : It's a rented tux. Okay? I'm not gonna go commando in another man's fatigues. [Thanksgiving] Rachel : You know what we should do? We should play that game where everybody says what they're thankful for. Joey : Oh. I should be thankful for the wonderful fall we've been having. Everybody: YEAH. Joey : I remember one day I was at the bus stop and this cool fall breeze came blowing out of nowhere and totally lifted this chick's skirt. Oh. And I'm also thankful for thongs. [about Ugly Naked Guy] Ross : Hey, didn't he used to have a cat? Phoebe : Oh, I wouldn't bring that up. It'll probably just bum him out. Joey : Yeah. Poor cat. Never saw that big butt coming. Joey : Hey check it out. Ugly Naked Guy's got a naked friend. Rachel : Omigod. That's our friend. It's naked Ross. [Ross is refusing to have another nap with Joey] Joey : OK, well, you want a drink? Ross : Sure what d'you got? Joey : Warm milk and Excedrin PM... Joey : But I-I-I can't stay too long, I gotta get up early for a commercial audition tomorrow and I gotta look good. I'm supposed to be playing a 19-year-old. [Everyone stops in their tracks upon hearing this] Chandler : So when you said, "Get up early," did you mean 1986? Rachel : Y'know Joey, I could teach you to sail if you want. Joey : You could? Rachel : Yeah. I've been sailing my whole life. When I was fifteen my dad bought me my own boat. Phoebe : Your own boat? Rachel : What? What? He was trying to cheer me up. My pony was sick. Joey : [drinking a beer on the boat] Look at this clown. Just because he's got a bigger boat he thinks he can take up the whole river. [Yelling] Joey : Get out of the way jackass. [to Rachel] Joey : Who names his boat Coast Guard anyway? Rachel : That is the Coast Guard. Joey : You're mean on the boat. Rachel : What? I was just trying to teach you. Joey : Well, lesson learned. Rachel is mean. Ross : Yeeeeeep... Yep-yep-yep-yep-yep. I remember when she took me out on her dad's boat she wouldn't let me help at all. Rachel : Excuse me, I wanted you to help, but you couldn't move your arms because you were wearing three life jackets. Ross : You have to respect the sea. [talking to Ross] Joey : I may only have a couple beers in me, but... I love you, man. Chandler : I'm still on my first. I just think you're nice. [Watching Joey's small role in a porno movie] Joey : Wait wait wait wait, you see me again. Hang on, the guy's butt's blockin' me. There I am, there I am, there I am, there I am, there I am... Phoebe : [imitating Chandler] OK, could that report BE any later? Chandler : I don't sound like that. Joey : Oh, yes you do. Ross : The hills are alive with the sound... OF music. Joey : Oh, yeah. Go for it man, jump off the high dive, stare down the barrel of the gun, pee into the wind. Chandler : Yeah, Joe, I assure you if I'm staring down the barrel of a gun, I'm pretty much peeing every which way. Joey : Okay, some tricks of the trade. Now, I've never been able to cry as an actor, so if I'm in a scene where I have to cry, I cut a hole in my pocket, take a pair of tweezers, and just start pulling. Or ah, or, let's say I wanna convey that I've just done something evil. That would be the basic 'I have a fishhook in my eyebrow and I like it' [Does it by raising one eyebrow, and showing off the pretend fishhook] Joey : Okay, let's say I've just gotten bad news, well all I do there is try and divide 232 by 13. [looks all confused] Joey : And that's how it's done. Great soap opera acting tonight everybody, class dismissed. Joey : Hey, can you close that window Chandler? My nipples can cut glass over here. Joey : Here it is-our last pizzas together as roommates. Chandler : I wish I'd known you were going to do that. I ordered Chinese. Joey : Oh, well, that's okay. Hey, actually, in a way it's kinda nice. You know, our last dinner together. Me, bringing the food of my ancestors; you, the food of yours. Joey : Wow what a cool job. [Imitating the answering machine] Joey : You have two new messages. Please pass the pie. [Ross' Halloween costume] Ross : You know that Russian satellite Sputnik? Well I'm a potato which is a spud and i have my antennas. [Everyone glares at him like he's crazy] Ross : Sputnik? SPUD-nik [Joey enters] Joey : Hey. Ross came as Doody. Joey : Sup? So i see you're playing a little Playstation. That's whack. Playstation is whack. Sup with the whack Playstaion, sup? Am I 19 or what? Chandler : Yes on a scale of 1 to 10 on how ridiculous a person can look, you are definitely 19. [They are reminiscing on their worst Thanksgivings, Phoebe remembers some from past lives] Joey : Hey, how come I can't remember my past lives? Phoebe : That's cause you're brand new honey. Joey : I can't believe Ross is going out with Rachel's sister. Ya know, when Chandler made out with my sister, I was mad at him for, like, ten years. Chandler : That was five years ago. Joey : I know. You got five more years. Chandler : Joey... Joey : You want to make it six? [Joey just hired Chandler to be his assistant] Joey : Look Chandler, if this is going to work you have got to listen. Your gonna throw that juice in my face aren't ya? Chandler : It's not all juice. Monica : Dad, Chandler didn't melt your records, Ross did. Jack Geller : Is that... Monica : And Dad, you know that mailman you got fired? He didn't steal your Playboy's, Ross did. Ross : Yea, well Hurricane Gloria didn't break the porch swing, Monica did. Monica : Ross hasn't worked at the museum for a year. Ross : MONICA & CHANDLER ARE LIVING TOGETHER. Monica : Ross married Rachel in Vegas, and got divorced, AGAIN. Phoebe : I Love Jok Custou. Rachel : I wasn't supposed to put beef in the trifle. Joey : I WANNA GOOOOOOO. Judy Geller : That's a lot of information to get in thirty seconds. [Joey is trying to make Frank Jr. see sense] Joey : Think about it... You're 18, she's 44. When you're 36, she's gonna be 88. Frank Buffay Jr. : You think I don't know that? Chandler : Hey Joey, where do Dutch people come from? Joey : Uh... well the Pennsylvania Dutch come from Pennsylvania. Chandler : and the other Dutch come from somewhere near the Netherlands right? Joey : Nice try, see the Netherlands is this make believe place where Peter Pan and Tinkerbell come from. [Joey and Ross looking at Chandler in a bathroom stall] Chandler : Joey, I'll give you $50.00 for your underpants. Joey : Can't help you, I'm not wearing any underwear. Chandler : You're not wearing any underwear? Joey : Oh, I'm getting heat from the guy in the hot pink thong. [the Friends attend a lesbian wedding] Joey : All these women, and nothin'. Chandler : Now you know how I feel. The world is my lesbian wedding. [after Chandler kisses Kathy] Joey : You're so far past the line, you can't even see the line. The line is a dot to you. Joey : [to Ross] Forget about Rachel. Go to China, eat Chinese food. Chandler : Of course there they'd just call it food. [about Ross being in love with Rachel] Phoebe : This is big. No this is huge. No this is like really really... all right what's bigger than huge? Joey : Uh, this? Phoebe : Yeah. [Debating whether to see Ross & Rachel's videotape] Ross : You want to see it? Rachel : Clearly, you don't want people to see it. Now I don't want people to see it either, but you so badly don't want people to see it makes me want to see it, you see? Joey : Are we watching the tape or not? Chandler : That's the magical story you use when you want to have sex. Rachel : How do you know about that story? Joey : How do YOU know about that story? Rachel : I heard it from my friend Irene who heard it from some guy. Joey : [raising his hand] some guy. Rachel : No, she told me his name was Ken Adams. Joey : [raising his hand again] Ken Adams. [Phoebe, Chandler, Joey, and Monica are trapped in Monica's bedroom] Joey : I'm hungry. Phoebe : We could eat the wax. It's organic. Chandler : Oh great, food with hair on it. Phoebe : No, not the used wax. Chandler : Because THAT would be crazy. Joey : You think I need a new walk? Chandler : What? Joey : Well I've had the same walk since high school and you know how when a guy walks into a room and everybody takes notice. I think I need a 'take notice' walk. Chandler : Are you actually saying these words? [All sitting around coffee table talking about their "weirdest place"] Rachel : Come on, someone go. Monica : OK, I'll go, Senior year of college on a pool table. Ross : That's my sister. Joey : OK, my weirdest place would have to be... the women's room on the second floor of the New York City Public Library. Monica : Oh my God. What were YOU doing in a library? Ross : Phoebs, what about you? Phoebe : Oh... Milwaukee... well it's a really weird place. Rachel : Um... Ross? Ross : Disneyland, 1989, 'It's a Small World After All'. The ride broke down. So, Carol and I went behind a couple of those mechanical dutch children... then they fixed the ride and we were asked never to return to the Magic Kingdom. Phoebe : Oh, Rachel. Rachel : Oh come on, I already went. Monica : You did not go. Rachel : All right... oh, the foot of the bed. Ross : Step back... Joey : We have a winner. Joey : Va fa napoli. Joey : Hey Mon, I got a question for you. Monica : Okay, for the bizillionth time, yes I see other women in the shower at the gym, and no I don't look. [At a soap opera awards show, Joey accepted an award on an absent actress' behalf]] Rachel : Joey, you can't steal an award. Joey : I'm not stealing it. I'm accepting it on her behalf. Rachel : You don't even know what behalf means. Joey : I know what it means. It's a verb. As in, I behalfing it. Joey : Ooh-ooh-ooh. Are we opening presents? Monica : No. No. I shouldn't have even opened these. I mean I - Joey, I am out of control. Joey, you have to do me a favor. No matter what I say, no matter what I do, please do not let me open another present. Okay? Joey : Okay. Monica : Give me one more. Joey : Okay. [hands her one] Chandler : I am an excellent secret keeper. I have kept all of out secrets. Joey : What secrets? Chandler : Oh no-no, Joey, I am not going to tell you because I am an excellent secret keeper. [the girls walk away] Joey : You'll tell me later? Chandler : You already know. Rachel : How long do you think, should a girl wait if a guy just broke up with his girlfriend? Phoebe : A month. Monica : Really? I'd say two or three. Joey : Half hour. Rachel : Interesting. [Rachel doesn't take his advice] Joey : Fine. No one ever listens to me. If the package is this pretty, no one cares what's inside. Joey : You didn't cry when Bambi's mum died? Chandler : Yes, it was so sad when the guy stopped drawing the deer. [talking about Ralph Lauren] Joey : I hate his underwear. one time I brought a pair marked XS and let me tell you there's no room for anything excess in there. Joey : Ninety-five, ninety-six, ninety-seven. See, I told you. Less than a hundred steps from our place to here. Chandler : You've got waaaay too much free time. Monica : Joey, did you actually interview her before you asked her to move in? Joey : Of course I did. Monica : Well, what did you ask her? Joey : 'When can you move in?'. Joey : So, Monica. Still going out with Doctor Boring? Monica : He's not boring. He's just low key. [Ross got Joey a job at the museum, as a tour guide] Rachel : But shouldn't you know what you're talking about? Joey : Yeah, but they tell me everything I need to know. It's like reading a script. Like, "this is a Tyranosaurus Rex a creature from the Jurassic period". [everyone approves] Ross : Actually, Joey, it's the Cretaceous period. Joey : Yeah, but, I can pronounce Jurassic. [Chandler fell asleep, during Joey's movie. The credits roll, and Chandler wakes up] Chandler : Great show. Good work, Joey. Joey : You liked it? Chandler : Liked it? I loved it. Joey : What did you like best about it? Chandler : I liked... everything the whole show. Joey : What about the specifics? Chandler : Specifics? Specifics were the best part. Joey : What about the scene with the kangaroo? Chandler : I... I was surprised to see a kangaroo in a World War I epic. Joey : You fell asleep. There was no kangaroo. They didn't take any of my suggestions. Chandler : Look, when Monica comes in, mention fire trucks. Joey : Why? Chandler : There's this guy at her work that she says is the funniest guy she ever met. Joey : How could she do that? She know being funny is your thing. Chandler : I know. So could you mention fire trucks when she comes in. Joey : I don't know. I'm not too good at memorizing lines. Chandler : [sarcastically] It's a good thing you don't have to do that for a living. Joey : I know. Ross : Wow, Joey, that's a steamy picture. Joey : Yeah, I know. The magazine said it was for my gay fans. [winks at Ross] Ross : Why'd you wink at me? Joey : Don't look at me. You're the one who like the picture so much. Joey : [thinking] OK, I have no feelings for Rachel. No feelings at all. She's just a friend. I mean, I might have had some feelings for her, but now they're all gone. All of them. As a matter of fact, I don't think I ever had feelings for Rachel. [Rachel walks into the room] Rachel : Hey, sweetie. Joey : [thinking] I love you. [Phoebe thinks Joey has a crush on her] Phoebe : Look, Joey, I know about your feelings. Joey : Oh, you do? Phoebe : Yeah, and I don't think it could happen. Joey : I know. I mean it's not just my friend Rachel, it's my pregnant with Ross's child friend Rachel. Phoebe : Uhh... Yeah, Rachel, I mean you two are friends. [under her breath] Phoebe : Kick me in the stomach why don't you. Joey : What? Phoebe : Nothing. You know, maybe it's just a crush, it doesn't mean you love her. Joey : You think? Phoebe : Yeah. I mean I've had them for you guys... except for Ross and Chandler. I'm sure you had them for us before, right? Joey : No, not really. Phoebe : [under her breath] Throw me a friggin' bone here, will ya? Joey : Ok, Phoebe. This is for the kids, later on. You got something you want to say? Phoebe : Hi, kids. I can't wait to see you. Please don't hurt me. Joey : C'mon. I got *your* secrets, I got *their* secrets; I got secrets of my own you know. Rachel : [rolling her eyes] You don't have any secrets Joey : Oh yeah? Well you don't know about Hugsy, my bedtime penguin pal. [blushes, embarrassed] Joey : I don't get it. Why can't we use the same toothbrush? We use the same soap. Chandler : That's different. The toothbrush has been in my mouth. Joey : OK. But next time you're in the shower, think of the first place you're washing, and the last place I washed. [in Richard's apartment] Chandler : Oh, my god. Look at this tape. It says 'Monica'. Joey : So? Chandler : Think about it. Ex-boyfriend's apartment, videotape with her name on it... [Joey looks thoughtful] Chandler : Get there faster. [Joey thinks for a few seconds] Joey : Ohhhh. [Everyone calls Chandler, who is in Tulsa, on speakerphone] Monica : So, is everyone else working on Christmas Eve, too? Chandler : No, I sent everyone home. Monica : You are such a good boss. Chandler : Yeah, I know. It's just me and Wendy. Monica : Who's Wendy? That sounds like a girl's name. Chandler : Well, yeah... Joey : Oh, Wendy was the one who was runner up for Ms. Oklahoma. Monica : You're in alone in the same room as the second prettiest girl in Oklahoma? Chandler : Well... The second prettiest THAT year. If you count it now, she's probably the... Rachel : Oh, Chandler, stop talking. Phoebe : What happens to the old Christmas trees? Joey : They go into the chipper. Phoebe : Why do I get the feeling that's not as happy as it sounds? Janine: 3, 2, 1. Happy New Year. [kisses Joey] Joey : [mumbles] Oomchimawa. [At an advance taping of "Dick Clark's Rocking New Year's Eve"] Director: All right. All of you guys just dance and don't look at the cameras. Any questions? Ross : Yeah. When is this going to air. [Nobody laughs except for Ross and Monica] Director: Yeah. Let's start. Joey : Hey, Ross. When IS this going to air? [In mens' room] Joey : Hey, Tall Guy. How's it going? Tall Guy: Good. Joey : You know that girl who's your dancing partner? Tall Guy: Yeah, tell me about it. I was almost about to bring my wife. Joey : Yeah, well, I kinda came with her. And, I hoping... Tall Guy: No. Joey : Come on, man. I've been trying to ask her out for a month, now. I had this plan where I kiss her on the New Year's countdown. Tall Guy: I can see where you're coming from. But... no. Sorry she's fair game. Joey : ...All right, that's fair. [throws water at Tall guy's crotch] Tall Guy: Hey. What're you, in second grade? Joey : Hey. You're the one wetting your pants. [Ross and Chandler have been arm wrestling for a long time] Ross's Date: Wow. They must both be very strong. Joey : Or equally weak. [after hearing about Chandlers breakup with Janice] Phoebe : Where's Chandler? Joey : He's grieving. [We see Chandler running outside] Chandler : I'M FREE. I AM FREE. Rachel : I mean, is that woman capable of talking about anything else but sex? Joey : Yeah sure. Well, you know earlier she was talking about geography. Monica : Joey, she was listing the countries she's done it in. Joey : Well, I think we all learned something. Monica : Joey, you've been acting weird for a couple of days, now. What's wrong? Joey : Nothing... Well, something. I kinda had a dream, sorta... Ahh, forget it. Chandler : Come on. What if Martin Luther King said that- "I kinda had a dream, sorta..."? Joey : Yeah, it's just like that thing about Santa. Phoebe : What thing about Santa? Joey : You know, that he doesn't exist. Phoebe : Oh yeah. Of course. Joey : Ok, see you later. [leaves] Phoebe : Bye. [stares, terrified] Chandler : And, Joey, while I'm gone don't let Ross look at any maps of the States or the globe in your apartment. Joey : Don't worry. It's not a globe of the United States. Chandler : Time's up. Pheebs, how many you got? Phoebe : Well, I started naming states, but then I got tired of it. So, I started naming different types of celery. So far I only got one- regular celery. Chandler : ...Okay, Phoebe's got the lead in vegetables. Rach? Rachel : 48. Chandler : Not bad. Joey? Joey : Behold the new champion of Chandler's stupid state game. Ross : How many you got? Joey : 56. [On living alone] Joey : I thought it'd be great, you know? have some time alone with my thoughts... turns out, I don't have as many thoughts as you'd think. Joey : They want me to do frontal nudity. I can't do that. My grandmother's gonna see that movie. Phoebe : Well, grandma's gonna have to get in line. [winks at Joey] [Joey and Chandler are looking at the apartment that Richard is selling] Catherine: All the appliances are included. There is a lot of light, a new kitchen... I think you guys would be very happy here. [Joey and Chandler laugh] Chandler : No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. We're not together. We're not a couple. We're definitely not a couple. Catherine: Oh. Okay. Sorry. Joey : Well... you seem pretty insulted by that. What? I'm not good enough for you? Chandler : We're not gonna' have this conversation again. [Chandler and Joey are looking at Richard's videotape collection] Chandler : Oh my God. Joey : What? Chandler : There's a tape here with Monica's name on it. Joey : Ooh. A tape with a girl's name on it. It's probably a sex tape. [Joey thinks] Joey : Wait a minute. This says Monica. [Joey looks around] Joey : And this is Richard's apartment. Chandler : Get there faster. [Joey is starring in a World War I epic] Ross : Why are you wearing sunglasses? Joey : Well, I figure if I wore them the guy wouldn't spit in my eyes so much when he talks. Ross : Yeah, and if I remember correctly, "Rayban" was the official sponsor of World War I. Joey : Really? Great. Joey : So, what, you just want to stay here and wait for Rachel to come back from her date? Ross : Yeah. I mean, this guy could be my baby's stepfather. Joey : They go out on one date and you worry about her marrying him? He's not you. Joey : I am telling this to Rachel. Monica : No, Joey. Joey : Unless... Chandler : Unless what? Joey : Unless you name your first born after me. Chandler : What? Why? Joey : Because, I may never have kids. Somebody's gonna have to carry on my family name. Chandler : Your family name is Tribianni. [pause] Joey : Oh ho ho. You almost had me there. Monica : Look, Chandler, I feel really bad about this. Please have this bachelor party. Chandler : No. Monica : Stop being a baby and watch the hot woman get naked. Chandler : ...All right. Joey : YEAH. Chandler : But, I'm only doing this for you... And Joey. Monica : Ok, so who's going to be there? Chandler : No, no, no. Just Ross and Joey is humiliating enough. Ross : Well, actually, I have a date tonight. Chandler : Yeah, I understand. What kind of guy would blow off a date for a fake bachelor party. Joey : [on cell phone] Yeah, baby, I'm not gonna make it tonight... Joey : You two were having sex. Monica : No, we weren't. Joey : Yeah, you were. I can see it by the back of Chandler's hair. [to Chandler] Joey : You are so lazy, can't you get on top for once? Joey : [about a poker hand] There was chocolate on the 3. It looked like an 8. All right? Ross : You should've seen him. "Read 'em and weep". Chandler : And then he did. Chandler : Yo, paisan. Can I talk to you for a sec? Your tailor is a very bad man. Joey : Frankie? What are you talking about? Ross : Hey, what's going on? Chandler : Joey's tailor... took advantage of me. Ross : What? Joey : No way. I've been going to that guy for 12 years. Chandler : Oh, come on. He said he was going to do my inseam, and then he ran his hand up my leg. And then, there was definite... cupping. Joey : That's how they do pants. First they go up one side, they move it over, then they go up the other side, they move it back, and then they do the rear. [Chandler and Ross stare at him] Joey : What? Ross, Ross, would you tell him? Isn't that how they measure pants? Ross : Yes. Yes, it is... In prison. [Joey has to sleep with a woman to get a part] Joey : I just don't think that I want it that way though, you know? I mean, let's say I do make it, all right? I'm always gonna look back and wonder if it was because of my talent or because of... y'know, the Little General. Chandler : Didn't you use to call it the Little Major? Joey : Yeah, but after Denise DeMarco, I had to promote it. [after Joey told Rachel he loved her, she told him her boss wanted to buy her baby in order to make things less awkward] Rachel : Joey, I'm really sorry that I lied to you. I was just trying to make things... Joey : I know. I know. Rachel : It kinda worked. I mean you know, I don't know about you but I haven't thought about our thing since all this. Joey : Hey you're right. Yeah, it's kinda been like us again a little bit. Rachel : Yeah I know. I miss that. Joey : Me too. I mean I... haven't thought at all about how I put myself out there and said all that stuff and how you didn't feel the same way about me and-and how it was really awkward. [long, awkward pause] Rachel : My gynecologist tried to kill me. Chandler : [about Richard] Oh hey listen, don't be mad at him, it's our fault. I'm sorry we've been hoggin so much of his time. Joey : Yeah, he's just really great to hang around with. Richard : Well... Joey : No, I'm serious. Chandler and I were just talkin' about this. He is so much cooler than our dads. [Chandler kicks, out of sight] Joey : I mean, you know, our dads are okay, you know? But Richard is just- ow, ow. [to Chandler] Joey : What are you kickin' me for, huh? I'm tryin' to talk here. [At an audition] Joey : Come on, give me another chance. I can do a southern accent. [with Jamaican accent] Joey : Ya, mon. Joey : You guys have to be at the next table in case I, you know, start to say something stupid. Ross : Just now, or all the time? Because we have jobs you know. Interviewer: One last question. Other than "Days of Our Lives" what other soap operas do you watch? Joey : Oh I don't watch soap operas. I mean excuse me, I have a life you know. Interviewer: Thank you. I'm sure the readers of Soap Opera Digest will be very interested to hear that. Joey : In my spare time I... uh... read to the blind. And I'm also a Mento for the kids. You know, a mento... a role model. Interviewer: A Mento? Joey : Right. Interviewer: Like the candy? Joey : Matter of fact, I do. [to Joey's stalker who thinks he is Drake Remore] Joey : I'm not Drake. Ross : That's right, he's not Drake, he's Hans Remore, Drake's evil twin. Erica : Is this true? Rachel : Yes, yes it is true. And I know this because... because he pretended to be Drake too, to sleep with me. [Rachel throws water in his face] Monica : And then he told me he would run away with me, and he didn't. [Rachel throws water in his face] Chandler : And you left the toilet seat up, you bastard. [Chandler throws water in his face] Joey : She's so great. She kisses like my mom cooks. Monica : I am so glad you said "cooks". [One of Ross's students wrote a flirtatious evaluation of his class] Chandler : So, who is she? Ross : I don't know. The evaluations were anonymous. Joey : Well, do you still have their final exams? Ross : Yeah. Joey : Well, it's simple. You take the final exams and the evaluations, you see whose handwriting matches, and boom. You got your admirer. Chandler : A hot chick is at stake and suddenly he's Rain Man. Joey : Well, I'm sorry if I'm not a middle-aged black woman. And I'm also sorry if sometimes I go to the wrong audition. Monica : Anyway, are you gonna get a handyman to install all this stuff? Rachel : No, I was going to do this all by myself. Joey : [laughs] You're gonna do it? Rachel : Yeah. Why, you don't think a woman can do this? Joey : Oh, women can. You... can't. [Ross's hand is in a cast and he is struggling to write something down] Joey : Hey, do you need any help? Ross : Why, does it look like I'm having trouble with my mis-shapened claw? Joey : I play Doctor Drake Ramoray. Sarah: I'm sorry. I don't own a t.v. Joey : You don't own a t.v.? What's all your furniture pointed at? [Joey and Chandler are trying to break into a closet] Joey : Do you have a bobby pin? Chandler : Wait. [runs hands through hair] Chandler : Oh, that's right. I'm NOT an eight year-old girl. Joey : Really? Then why do you throw like one? Joey : All you have to do is pretend to be Mike. Mike: I am Mike. Joey : Attaboy. [Joey is posing as a doctor in order to get information about a patient that Phoebe likes] [Just been told the patients date of birth] Joey : Age...? Patient: Can't you work that out by my date of birth? Joey : I'm a doctor, not a mathematician. [Chandler and Joey are being lazy in new recliners, and Chandler ordered pizza to be delivered to Monica's] Chandler : Pizza's on the way. I told you we wouldn't have to get up. Joey : What if we have to pee? [Pause] Chandler : I'll cancel the sodas... Joey : Is Phoebe here with the cab yet? Chandler : Yeah, she brought the invisible cab. Jump in. Joey : There's no juice for the people who need the juice and want the juice and I need the juice. [Joey has to keep everyone in his apartment] Judy Geller : Well, we'll get going. Jack Geller : Bye. [both leave] Monica : Hey. How come they get to leave? Joey : Hey, Jack is a great man. He fought for our country. Monica : No, he didn't. He pretended to be a Quaker to get out of Korea. Joey : Oh. I got it. Ok, everyone pick a number from one to ten. All right? Whoever gets the highest number gets to go first. Monica : Ok, ten. Joey : Okay, Monica picks ten, I call nine. Anyone else? Phoebe : No, lets just draw straws. Joey : Or... we could flip a coin, and then multiply the... Chandler : I'm begging you stop. [Joey enters the apartment carrying a bag] Joey : Man, it is so hard to shop for girls. [Chandler looks at the bag] Chandler : Yes, it is... at Office Max. [Joey is having trouble getting a birthday present for Kathy] Chandler : All right, look, look. What did... what did you get for Angela Delveccio for her birthday? Joey : She didn't have a birthday while we were going out. Chandler : For three years? Chandler : Hey, Joey. Playboy published my joke. Ross : No, it's MY joke. Chandler : No, it's mine. Ross : No, it was MY joke. Joey : Hey, hey, hey. You guys. You know they put pictures of naked chicks in there, right? [Looking through the ads in a newspaper] Monica : There are no jobs for me. Joey : Wait, here's one. Um, would you be willing to cook naked? Monica : There's an ad for a naked chef? Joey : No. But if you'd be willing to COOK naked, you might be willing to DANCE naked. [Telling Rachel how to be sexy] Joey : There was this movie, "Footloose". Chandler : "Flashdance". Joey : Where this plumber chick... Chandler : She was a welder Joey : What, were you like *in* the movie? Ross : I made Marcel's favorite: Banana cake... Joey : Mmm. Ross : ...with mealworm. Joey : Ugh. Phoebe : They're coming. Run! Joey : Where? Phoebe : Mexico! Joey : Oh, I'm sorry. Did I get you? Chandler : It's an electric drill! You get me, you kill me! Joey : Of course it was a line! Monica : Why? Why? Why would anyone do something like that? Ross : I assume we're looking for an answer more sophisticated than, "to get you into bed." Chandler : Look, Gippetto, I'm a real live boy. Joey : I will not take this abuse. [Walks to the door and opens it to leave] Chandler : You're right, I'm sorry. [Burst into song and dances out of the door] Chandler : 'Once I was a wooden boy, a little wooden boy... ' Joey : It's all London, baby! Here we go. Chandler : You got your passport? Joey : Yeah, in my third drawer in my dresser. You don't want to lose that. Ross : So, uh, how long are you going to punish him? Joey : Five years. Ross : You've sentenced him? Joey : Hey, don't do the crime if you can't do the time. Joey : Ross, have you ever been beaten up before? Ross : Yeah, sure. Joey : By someone besides Monica? Chandler : And this from the cry-for-help department: Are you wearing makeup? Joey : Yes, I am. As of today, I am officially Joey Tribbiani, actor slash model. Chandler : That's funny, 'cause I was thinking you look more like Joey Tribbiani, man slash woman. Joey : You can't have Thanksgiving without turkey. That's like Fourth of July without apple pie, or Friday with no two pizzas. Joey : I think we've all learned a lesson about who's disgusting around here. Now, anybody want some fried chicken? I'm only eating the skins, so the chicken's up for grabs. Chandler : What are you guys like a gang or something? [Joey whispers to Rachel] Joey : Yeah, we are. [Rachel whispers to Joey] Rachel : We're the Cobras. Rachel : Ok Joey, we'll do it one more time. Don't forget the rules: Heads I win, Tails you loose. Joey : Just flip the coin! Joey : [about Estelle] I'm going to call her and hire her again. Phoebe : No, don't call her! Wait for her to call you. Joey : Why? Phoebe : Because... Patience is the road to understanding, which is the key to a happy heart. Joey : You blow me away. Joey : Maybe we can lure them out somehow. Do you know any bird calls? Chandler : Oh, tons. I'm quite the woodsman. Joey : There will come a time in each of your careers when you'll have a chance to screw over another soap opera actor. I had such an opportunity in the recent, present. And I'm ashamed to say that I took it, I advised a fellow actor to play a role, homosexually. Yeah, we both auditioned for the part, and uh, as it turned out, they... liked the stupid gay thing and cast him! And now, he's got a two year contract opposite Susan Lucci, the First Lady of daytime television, and me, me I'm stuck here teaching a bunch of people, most of whom are too ugly to even be on TV! Ross : Hi... Joey : Pfft... This guy says, "Hello," I wanna kill myself. Ross : Grab a spoon... Do you know how long it's been since I grabbed a spoon? Do the words "Billy don't be a hero" mean anything to you? Joey : Great story! But I gotta go... I date with Angela... Andrea... Oh man! Chandler : Andrea's the screamer, Angela has cats. Joey : Right thanks... it's Julie... I'm outta here! Joey : Hey you guys ever been to the Rainbow Room? Is it expensive? Chandler : Only if you order stuff... Joey : I'm takin Ursula there, it's her birthday Ross : Woah, woah, woah! What about Pheobe's birthday? Joey : When's that? Ross : Tonight! Joey : Oh man... what are the odds of that happening? Ross : You take your time... Chandler : And by the way, Count Rushmore doesn't exist. Joey : Oh yeah? Then who's the guy who painted all the faces on the mountain? Joey : [Joey is talking on the phone to the mom of a girl he met in the hospital who is in labour] Joey Tribianni [pause] Joey : 25 [pause] Joey : Yeah I'm single [pause] Joey : Actor... hello? Joey : [Joey is talking on the phone to the mom of a girl he met in the hospital who is in labour] Joey Tribianni [pause] Joey : 25 [pause] Joey : Yeah I'm single [pause] Joey : Actor... hello? [Joey is on Pyramid, the category is "Things you'd find in a fridge"] Pyramid Partner: It's white. Joey : Paper... snow... A GHOST? |
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