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 Jerry O'Connell Quotation"Playing professional football is something I'll never be able to do. So getting this part was like a dream come true." - on his role in Jerry Maguire (1996) "I'm the kind of guy who can't keep a plant alive for a week, let alone a relationship." Movie Title: Joe's Apartment (1996) as Joe: Lily Dougherty : The lot is completely planted, the, the community is behind it and the flowers just starting to bloom and now all I have to do is show it to my father and show him something good can still come outta the neighborhood and it's worth saving... Joe : Do-you-wanna-come-over-to-my-place? [A coach races by, splashing them with mud] Joe : I've... got a towel you could use. [Joe finds a man lying in a pool of blood] Joe : Oh, my god! Mister, are you alright? Walter Shit : Two days, seven hours, twenty-three minutes and four seconds. That's how long I've been lying here. Joe : Are you O.K.? Walter Shit : 'Course not! I'm an artist! [Walter Shit, performance artist, has been lying in a pool of blood] Walter Shit : I wanted to express how cold, how pitiless this city really is. Joe : Nobody touched you for two days? Walter Shit : Spitting doesn't count. Movie Title: Mission to Mars (2000) as Phil Ohlmyer: Terri Fisher : The genetic difference between men and apes is only three percent. But that three percent gave us Einstein, Mozart... Phil Ohlmyer : ...Jack The Ripper. Luke Graham : Phil, do you read me? Phil Ohlmyer : Phil isn't here right now, he left for Earth FIVE MINUTES AGO, please leave a message after the beep!!! Jim McConnell : what is she now? Phil Ohlmyer : A frog..? Movie Title: Buying the Cow (2002) as David Collins: Jonesy : You're still not telling us everything. David Collins : Of course not, you're my friends. David Collins : You're the only people I've ever told. Mike Hanson : Yeah, can you keep it that way? It makes you seem kind of creepy. [the waitress is missing her right forearm] David Collins : [nervous] How's the chili here? Mexican Restaurant Waitress: [Surly and blasé] I'd give my right arm for a bowl. Movie Title: Scream 2 (1997) as Derek: Derek : I am gonna fucking kill you! FUCKING KILL YOU! You are dead! DEAD! Movie Title: Crossing Jordan (2001) as Woody: Susan: [to Det. Cruz] What, are you playing bad cop? Woody : No, he's not playing. He just is... bad. Woody : Stay in the car. Jordan : What exactly in our past makes you think I'll do that? Woody : Looks like man vs. city bus. You can guess the outcome. Woody : Don't tell me that I missed something. Bug : Okay, I won't. But you did. Woody : Carlsen's car is a '65 El Dorado. Bug : Hard to miss, considering it's the size of the QE II. Bug : Remember, heavy object, odd design. Woody : Thanks. That really narrows things down. Bug : [mutters] Just trying to help. Woody : I have been meaning to ask you why do they call you bug? Bug : Because I like insects. Why do they call you Woody? Woody : Why are you here again? Bug : He's a reporter. Woody : How can you tell? Bug : Calluses on the fingertips suggest a regular typist. Mysteriously empty tape recorder, and - oh, yeah... the press pass around his neck. Woody : [Woody begins to undress and change his clothes] Bug : You obviously didn't make it to the sexual harassment seminar. Woody : Sure I did. That's why I didn't ask if you wanted to wrestle. Woody : Any way to tell her age from the autopsy? Bug : Sure, I'll just cut her open and count the rings. Woody : You could have simply said no. [a woman is running a brothel under the disguise of a modeling agency] Madam : You know, we're starting a men's division, Detective Hoyt. In case you're ever interested in making some extra cash... Woody : I'll keep that in mind. Bug : What about me? Bug : [Bug is having technical difficulties] Woody : You know, I could always go get Nigel. Bug : If you love Nigel so much, why don't you marry him? Woody : We can actually do that now in Vermont. Woody : [checking a victim's phone records] There are over 50 calls in the last three months to a Robert Whiting. Bug : Why does that name sound familiar? Woody : You probably voted for him. Woody : Let's not jump to any hasty conclusions here. If I was looking for the wack-a-doo conspiracy version I would have called Jordan in. Nigel : I am some how both flattered and insulted by that. Woody : I'd appreciate if you handle this with a little bit of sensitivity. I don't know if you know this or not, but I'm up for a promotion this year. So if word got out... Nigel : Woody, Woody, Woody... I promise that I will keep an open mind, okay? And anyway sensitivity is my middle name. [opens the door] Nigel : SWEET MARY IN THE MANGER! Woody : The last four times Burnham met him was at some Goth club named Asmanties. Garrett : Goth club huh? Let Nigel do all the talking. Nigel : I'm so glad you decided to go undercover Woody. You're blending right in. Woody : Sorry, I didn't get the memo. Did you sow those pants on yourself? Devan Maguire : I've always been a good judge of character. I read people very well and I don't think he's guilty. Woody : I'm a pretty good judge of character too Devon. I had you pegged didn't I? Devan Maguire : Don't tell me... Pushy, driven... Woody : And sometimes intolerable. See... Impressive isn't it? Jordan : Look... You guys get along. I need you to talk to him. Woody : He pulled a gun on me! Jordan : That's bonding for him. He feels comfortable with you. Woody : He said he was going to shoot me! Jordan : You see... You guys are closer than I thought. Landlord: [looking for the victim's husband] Landlord: Maybe he's at work. Woody : His wife never came home last night. Would you go to work the next morning? Landlord: Yeah, but you haven't met my husband. Movie Title: Kangaroo Jack (2003) as Charlie: Louis : The kangaroo got the money! Charlie : What are you talking about? Louis : I put the money in the jacket, and the jacket on the kangaroo, and now he's hopping away! [Louis keeps driving into termite mounds] Charlie : Be careful Louis! You almost missed one! Charlie : I'm sorry for feeling your boobs I didn't think they were real. [they are running away from the cops] Louis : They're scaring Waffles! Charlie : Well, maybe you should have thought about that before taking your dog on a crime spree! Charlie : I just got my ass kicked by a marsupial. Charlie : On that fateful day twenty years ago, Louis Booker saved my life and I never forgot it. He wouldn't let me. Charlie : I think I just sweated out a bottle of Yoo-hoo I drank in the eighth grade. Charlie : I am Bolo Man. Louis : That's what I'm talkin' about. Louis : Sal won't kill you. He's married to your mother. Charlie : If Sal Maggio thinks I stole his money, he'll kill me in front of my mother and then make her clean it up. Charlie : : [sipping a rock he thinks is a slurpee] Charlie : Brain freeze! Charlie : Look at her. She thinks she's so much smarter than us. Louis : I'm pretty sure she is, Charlie. Movie Title: Stand by Me (1986) as Vern / Vern Tessio: Gordie : Mickey is a mouse, Donald is a duck, Pluto is a dog. What's Goofy...? Teddy : He's a dog, he's definitely a dog... Chris : He can't be a dog, he wears a hat and drives a car... Vern : Yeah, that is weird. What the hell is Goofy? Vern : Ha! Ha! Very funny, what am I gonna eat? Teddy : Why don't you eat your dick? Chris : It'll be a small meal! Vern : Come on you guys, let's get moving. Teddy : Yeah, by the time we get there the kid won't even be dead anymore. Gordie : Shut up! Vern , Chris , Teddy : I don't shut up, I grow up, and when I look at you, I throw up. Gordie : And then your mother goes around the corner and she licks it up. The Writer : [voiceover] Finding new and preferably disgusting ways to degrade a friend's mother was always held in high regard. Vern Tessio : If I could only have one food for the rest of my life? That's easy. Pez. Cherry flavor Pez. There's no doubt about it. Vern : You think Mighty Mouse could beat up Superman? Teddy : What are you, cracked? Vern : No, I saw him on TV the other day, he was holding five elephants in one hand. Teddy : Boy, you don't know nothing. Mighty Mouse is a cartoon. Superman's a real guy. There's no way a cartoon could beat up a real guy. Vern : I guess you're right. It'd be a good fight though. [after they had dinner] Vern : Nothing like a smoke after a meal! Teddy : Yeah... I cherish these moments! [group chuckles] Teddy : What? What did I say? Vern : You guys wanna go see a dead body? Teddy : Did your mother have any kids that lived? Vern : What do you mean? Vern : I wasn't that scared. I wasn't. Sincerely. Gordie : Okay then you won't mind if we check the seat of your jockies for Hershey squirts, will you? Vern : Go screw. Gordie : His name was Davy Hogan. Vern : Like Joey Hogan's brother. If he had one. Chris : [sarcastically] Good, Vern. Vern : Geez, Gordie, why couldn't you have gotten breakfast stuff like twinkies, Pez and root beer? Gordie : Sorry, Vern. I guess a more experienced shopper could have gotten more for your seven cents. Movie Title: Sliders (1995) as Quinn Michael Mallory: Quinn Michael Mallory : We have a plan. We just don't know what it is yet. Quinn Michael Mallory : What if you could travel to parallel worlds? The same year, the same Earth only different dimensions. A world where the Russians rule America, or where your dreams of being superstar came true or where San Francisco is a maximum security prison. My friends and I found the gateway. Now the problem is, finding a way back home. Quinn Michael Mallory : [season two opening monologue] What if you could travel to parallel worlds? The same year, the same Earth, only different dimensions. A world where the Russians rule America... or where your dreams of being superstar came true... or where San Francisco was a maximum security prison. My friends and I found the gateway. Now the problem is... finding a way back home. Quinn Michael Mallory : [Third season narration during opening credits] What if you found a portal to a parallel universe? What if you could slide into a thousand different worlds, where it's the same year, and you're the same person, but everything else is different? And what if you can't find your way home? Quinn Michael Mallory : [season three and four opening monologue] What if you found a portal to a parallel universe? What if you could Slide into a thousand different worlds? Where it's the same year, and you're the same person, but everything else is different. And what if you can't find your way home? [A group of Amish-dressed people are coming to attack Colin Mallory] Quinn Michael Mallory : Great! We're gonna get beat up by the cast of Witness! Quinn Michael Mallory : [season one monologue/opening] What if you could find brand new worlds right here on Earth? Where anything is possible. Same planet, different dimension. I've found the gateway. Movie Title: Tomcats (2001) as Michael: [to himself] Michael : You are going to have sex with the first woman you see. First woman you see, first woman you see. [walks and stumbles with a large, fat woman] Michael : OK, second woman you see. The second woman you see. Natalie : I'm falling for Kyle. Michael : What? Natalie : He's actually sweet. Michael : Sweet? The guy screws women while they're barfing! Carlos : I'm curious, Mr. Delaney. How did you get the money? Michael : I guess you could say I sold my soul. Carlos : Yeah, I see a lot of that. [Natalie is with Kyle in the bedroom] Michael : Natalie, get out of there! Save yourself! It's the dick of death! [Natalie hands Michael some "Horny Boy" boxers she randomly bought for him] Michael : Oh great! These will go well with my Horny Boy socks. Movie Title: Body Shots (1999) as Michael Penorisi: Michael Penorisi : Things are going to get U-G-L-Y. Movie Title: Ollie Hopnoodle's Haven of Bliss (1988) as Ralph: [Randy desperately has to go to the bathroom] Randy : [whining] Mom, I can't undo my knot, I have to go! Ralph's Mother : Ralph, would you help your brother? Ralph : For crying out loud! O.K. runt, let's go! |
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