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 Timothy Stack QuotationMovie Title: Scary Movie 3 (2003) as Carson Ward / Ward, Carson: Ross Giggins : Turning now to sports... [Cindy types new text for the teleprompter] Ross Giggins : and an evil video tape that kills anyone who watches it in seven days. It's true. We're all in danger. There's an alien force that's trying prevent you from knowing the truth. Carson Ward : Oh, no. Campbell, are you insane? Ross Giggins : It's a horrible fate. Cindy Campbell : Carson, I have to do this. [Ward types his text] Ross Giggins : Correction, there really is no danger. Actually, I didn't really mean anything I just said. Yes, I did. Every word of it. Everyone watching this could be dead in a week. [Everybody's fighting over the telemprompter keyboard, the janitor sits on it] Ross Giggins : Oh, shizl gzngahr, % + 7, , 193419 ckin etd vaus erstn gubl chn q shnitzi guorsn blkn (, , 18 469 [Janitor takes over the keyboard] Ross Giggins : I been cleanin' after this dumb-ass cracker Giggins for ten years, but I been hittin' it with his woman for twelve. Know what I'm sayin', nigga? She likes her some chocolate. Sharpton for President y'all. I'm outie. Carson Ward : It's sweeps month. Ratings mean everything. People want human interest stories, like the one you did yesterday. Cindy Campbell : The report on breast augmentation? It was just ten minutes of topless women. People want hard hitting stories, and indepth coverage, and, and... Carson Ward : And TWINS. [news room suddenly converts into nightclub and the Coors Light twins appear] Ward, Carson : And I told you, Campbell, no more paranoid on-air rants about the supernatural. Cindy Campbell : I know. This station is about sex, violence, and the weather. Ward, Carson : Yes. That reminds me. We're gonna need that "Porn Star Shot Dead in a Hurricane" story. [Anchor on the air] Ross Giggins : Meanwhile, a tornado in Charleston threatens a clothing-optional beach where just yesterday a naked couple was brutally murdered. This just five miles from where the last naked couple was brutally murdered. Movie Title: Back to School (1986) as Trendy Man: Trendy Man : Mr. Melon, your wife was just showing us her Klimt. Thornton Melon : You too, huh? She's shown it to everybody. Trendy Man : Well, she's very proud of it. Thornton Melon : I'm proud of mine too. I don't go waving it around at parties, though. Trendy Man : It's an exceptional painting. Thornton Melon : Oh, the painting. Movie Title: The Brave Little Toaster (1987) as Lampy / Zeke: The Radio : I think Houdini did this once, and if I remember right, he was out of the hospital in no time. Lampy : Well, that's reassuring. Lampy : I've never seen contraptions with so many dials and knobs before. Computer : Naturally, we are on the cutting edge of technology. Lampy : I really thought I'd turned in my warranty that time. The Radio : Things could be worse you know. Lampy : How? The Radio : How what? Lampy : How could they be worse? The Radio : They couldn't; I lied. [Radio knocks Lampy off the bed] Lampy : Holy Mother of Edison! What were you thinking? You could have broken my bulb! Lampy : Hey, come over here. I'm gonna... The Radio : Why, do you dare to cross foils with the greatest Saxon swordsman in the land? Haven't you the slightest idea who you're dealing with? Lampy : Precisely - a total idiot! The Radio : If you sabre wags as loosely as your Norman tongue, you'll be run through in an instant. Defend yourself, Sir Lampy of Locksley! [the Radio continually whacks Lampy with his antenna] The Radio : A blow for Richard! A blow for Marion! A blow for Mario, the garbage man! And for Carl and all the boys at the delicatessen! And here's one for the Buddhist in the North District! Lampy : So... uh... what's this thing with you and the Blanket? Toaster : What thing? Lampy : You know. All of a sudden, you're being so darned NICE to him all of a sudden. Toaster : Oh, that. I was just thinking, and I got this feeling I should be nicer to him for a change, you know? And now I feel better. Lampy : Wow, that's weird. Toaster : What's weird about it? Lampy : I don't know. I mean, you were never this nice to him before, and all of a sudden now you're nice to him all the time, and I don't know. I'm, uh, I'm just trying to understand, trying to figure out, what it all means. Toaster : Well, it's kind of hard to describe. It's like being next to a new loaf of bread. [Lampy looks puzzled] Toaster : Hmmm. It's, um, let's see... it's like a warm, toasty feeling inside. [Lampy scratches his head] Toaster : It's like a glow... Lampy : A glow! Toaster : Yeah. Lampy : I think I know what you're talking about! It's like the feeling I get when I think about the Master. [Radio points at the sun] The Radio : Look, Lampy, from here you can see the really BIG lamp. Lampy : WOW! I wonder where his switch is? Kirby : Climb on, you idiot! Kirby : Where's Toaster? Lampy : He sank. [Toaster notices Kirby is reluctant to come] Toaster : You know, we could use someone who's really... strong! Lampy : And loud! Blanky : And grumpy! The Radio : And oblivious to reality! Kirby : [about the Master] He's not coming back. Lampy : He might. The fact is there's just not enough fact. Lampy : I remember the first time my bulb burned out. I thought, "That's it! I'm burnt out! Eighty-sixed! To the showers!" And then the master gave me a new bulb... and I glowed. Toaster : What are you laughing at? Air Conditioner : Absolutely nothing, nothing at all. Lampy : You know what? I think he was laughing at us. Air Conditioner : You know something? You're a very bright little lamp. Lampy : Gee, thanks... Hey! Lampy : Legs would help, you know. Kirby : Brains wouldn't hurt either. Lampy : Lay off. The Radio : Yeah, pipe down, carpet breath. Kirby : I just slipped and fell in. That's all. Lampy : Oh yeah, sure, right. Blanky : You can't fool us. We love you. The Radio : That's right, like Mrs. Roosevelt loved her husband. Black and White TV : Boy if he gonna be surprised when he gets back. He just left a little while ago to drive out to the cab... Spanish Announcer : [Plugsy switches the station; Speaking Spanish] The Radio : Hey! Lampy : What's the idea? Plugsy : Oh, many pardons. Was you watchin' that channel? Blanky : Help me! I'm stuck! Toaster : I hear him. Lampy : I don't see him anywhere. The Radio : Maybe he's calling from Blanket Heaven. He's a white, fluffly little angel with a knob-nose. Zeke : [Elmo St. Peters had fainted after the appliances scared him half to death and escaped] Did I catch ya at a bad time? Just wondering if you got my radio tubes. Movie Title: Son of the Beach (2000) as Notch Johnson: Notch Johnson : How come I can't see your reflection in this mirror? Oh, I see..."Made in Taiwan". |
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