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 Tim Conway QuotationMovie Title: Dorf on Golf (1987) as Dorf: Dorf : So let's get started. Leonard, hand me the club. Leonard : What? Dorf : The club! I need the right club! Leonard : Club's over there. Dorf : Leonard, that's the clubHOUSE. Leonard : It's pretty, isn't it? Dorf : [sarcastically] Isn't it, though? Dorf : Leonard, why don't you consider getting to bed a little early tonight? You wouldn't want to miss a visit from the IQ fairy. Dorf : Leonard, get me the three. Leonard : Three? Dorf : Yes, Leonard. One, two, four, five, figure out what's missing. Leonard : I got it! Dorf : Good, Leonard! You get your numbers and colors down and you're going to be a real threat! Leonard : Ya got a pencil? Dorf : Now why would I be having a pencil? Leonard : So I can mark the ball. Dorf : Now Leonard, with dat well-trained caddy eye of yours, how far would you say we are from da nearest hole? [Leonard takes a long moment to look far across the course.] Leonard : Far. [The course map has just fallen on Dorf's head.] Dorf : Boom-Boom? Da sign go bang-bang here. [Dorf is in the rough trying to get his ball out while Leonard watches on from a far distance.] Dorf : [shouting] Leonard! Keepa your eye ona da ball! [Pause.] Leonard : [shouting] Right! [Dorf swings and misses.] Leonard : [shouting] Was that a stroke? Dorf : [shouting] No! When you hit da ball, it's a stroke! Dat was just practice! Leonard : [shouting] Right! [Dorf swings and misses again.] Leonard : [shouting] Another practice? Dorf : [shouting] Shut up! Movie Title: The Private Eyes (1981) as Dr. Tart: [Reading a note next to the dead Hilda] Dr. Tart : Hilda is dead, and here's something to note. You can't bury her at sea, 'cause her bosoms will float. Mr. Uwatsum : You want a hummingbird cookie? Dr. Tart : No thank you. Mr. Uwatsum : How about a bowl of fish eyes? Dr. Tart : Uh... no. Dr. Tart : You want another glass of pus? Inspector Winship : No I don't want another glass of pus! Dr. Tart : Maybe whoever killed Lord Morley wrote that letter. Inspector Winship : If you killed Lord Morley would you write to someone and ask them to find the killer? Dr. Tart : Are you saying I killed Lord Morley? Inpector Winship : No, I'm saying you kill me! Inspector Winship : You know, I have an idea. Whoever wrote that letter must have read about us in the newspaper. Dr. Tart : What is it? Inspector Winship : What's what? Dr. Tart : The idea you have? Inspector Winship : I just told you! Dr. Tart : What was it? Inspector Winship : Whoever wrote that letter must have read about us in the newspaper. Dr. Tart : Right! Now that letter was signed 'Lord Morley'. So he must have read about us in the newspaper and called us in to solve his murder. Inspector Winship : How could Lord Morley write us after he was already dead? Dr. Tart : Right! You know what? Maybe whoever killed Lord Morley wrote that letter. Inspector Winship : If you killed Lord Morley would you write to someone and ask them to find the killer? Dr. Tart : Are you saying *I* killed Lord Morley? Inspector Winship : (aggravated) No! I'm saying you kill me! Dr. Tart : [reading the note from Jock's killer] If Jock could take he'd give you a clue but now that he's dead, what can you do? I did what I did, I don't regret it a bit. Oh, by the way you're standing in bull ca-ca. Dr. Tart : [reading the note from the killer] I said when I died that I'd come back, if you believe in ghosts you're on the right track. I'm out of the grave and roaming the moores, so if you want to stay alive you better lock all your windows and screens. Movie Title: SpongeBob SquarePants (1999) as Barnacle Boy: Barnacle Boy : We won. And the superhero-supervillain rules require you to do what I say. ManRay : World domination. Ask for world domination. The Dirty Bubble : Make him eat dirt. [Man-Ray gives him a curious look] The Dirty Bubble : In addition to the world domination thing. Movie Title: The Apple Dumpling Gang (1975) as Amos / Amos Tucker: Theodore Oglivie : Why did you tell me those three biddy kids were a posse? Amos Tucker : Well, I thought I saw them down there in the bushes. Theodore Ogelvie : Oh, you couldn't see through a barb wire fence. Amos Tucker : How much money do you figure that dude's got in front of him? Theodore Ogelvie : About five hundred. Amos Tucker : Five hundred? Wow! You know, that'll be, uh, that's two hundred apiece! Homer McCoy : This court is now in session, the Honorable Homer McCoy presiding. Theodore Ogelvie, Amos Tucker, you're charged with attempted bank robbery. How do you plead? Guilty or not guilty? Theodore Oglivie : Not guilty? Homer McCoy : Guilty! Amos Tucker : That was the wrong one. Homer McCoy : This court sentences you to be hung by the neck until dead. And I'm fining you an extra ten bucks for perjury. Let 'em out. [Amos and Ted are let out of the cage] Homer McCoy : Be down at the old oak tree near Boot Hill at twelve o'clock sharp for your hanging. And bring your own rope. Theodore Ogelvie : You know something, Amos? Amos Tucker : Huh? Theodore Ogelvie : We got to make a decision. Amos Tucker : What? Theodore Oglivie : Does the Hash Knife Outfit throw in its hand? Or do we go out in a blaze of glory? Amos Tucker : Right! Uh, just what do you mean... blaze of glory? Theodore Oglivie : Fighting till the last man's killed! What's it going to be, pard? Amos Tucker : You know that jail in Santa Fe wasn't all that bad. Theodore : It's a piece of cake. Amos : You mean it ain't gold? Sheriff McCoy : You're rear end's on fire, Theodore. Theodore : Oh. Thank you. [Jumps and frantically slaps fire out; glares at Amos] Theodore : Why didn't you tell me my rear end was on fire? Amos : Well, you said not to do anything to attract attention. Bobby : We want you to have our gold nugget. Amos : What gold nugget is that? Bobby : The one you tried to steal. Amos : Oh, that gold nugget. Amos : Uh, still aren't mad 'cause I shot you in the leg, are you, Frank? Amos : I'm gonna buy some new toes. Movie Title: Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In (1968) as Tim Conway: Tim Conway : Y'know, my wife just doesn't understand me. Eileen : Oh, you married men are all the same. Tim Conway : No, I mean it. She doesn't understand me. She's Swahili. Tim Conway : Well, if your heart belongs to me, how can the rest of you go out with so many other guys? |
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