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 Zero Mostel Quotation(Commenting on Jim Henson's Muppets): "He has the best possible actors. If you have a disagreement with them, you can always use then to wash your car." Movie Title: Watership Down (1978) as Kehaar: Kehaar : You stupid bunnies! Movie Title: A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum (1966) as Pseudolus: Hero : People do not go around freeing slaves every day. Pseudolus : Be the first. Start a fashion. Pseudolus : An honest virgin! What a terrible combination! Pseudolus : I shall return in a nonce. At most, two nonces. Hysterium : My father is rolling over in his grave. Pseudolus : Your father is alive. Hysterium : This will kill him. Lycus : Is it contagious? Pseudolus : Have you ever seen a plague that wasn't? Miles Gloriosus : Oh, her bridal bower becomes a burial bier of bitter bereavement! Pseudolus : Very good! Can you say "Titus the tailor told ten tall tales to Titania the titmouse"? Miles Gloriosus : What is she like? Pseudolus : A face so fair, a heart so pure -- Sir, if you had been born a woman, you would have been she! Miles Gloriosus : As magnificent as that? Philia : That's the brute who raped my country, Thrace! Pseudolus : He raped Thrace? Philia : And then he came and did it again! And then again! Pseudolus : He raped Thrace thrice? Pseudolus : We'll need a body. Anybody's body. Hysterium : Can you get one from Gusto the Body Snatcher? Pseudolus : He owes me a favor! But he died yesterday. Hysterium : Uh -- what about HIS body? Pseudolus : Somebody snatched it. Uh, let's see... who do we know that's dead? [Examining a wine bottle.] Pseudolus : Was 1 a good year? Pseudolus : You must never know what goes on in that house. Hero : But I do know. Pseudolus : You do? Isn't it _amazing_? Pseudolus : Wait! Hero : Yes? Pseudolus : A brilliant idea! Hero : Yes! Pseudolus : That's what we need, a brilliant idea. Pseudolus : What can happen in an hour or two? Hysterium : At his age, the mind boggles! Pseudolus : [disguised as a soothsayer] I say! You are in need of a soothsayer. Erronius : How did you know? Pseudolus : I'd be a fine soothsayer if I didn't. Miles Gloriosus : I cannot afford to offend the gods. Pseudolus : Who can? Pseudolus : Calm yourself down! I'll tell you when it's time to panic! Miles Gloriosus : I smell mischief here! Pseudolus : [beat] It's time. Pseudolus : Don't you know? When they start to smile, the end is near. I hear it's lovely on Crete. Everyone lying there... smiling. Pseudolus : Don't you think it's time we started trusting each other? Hysterium : One of us isn't ready yet. Hero : Then receive oh bosom my fatal blade! [tries to stab himself and misses] Pseudolus : [snatches the knife away] Behave yourself! Movie Title: Du Barry Was a Lady (1943) as Taliostra: Black Arrow : Be brave, my friend, you're dying for your country. Taliostra : Yeah, but I was born in the city! Movie Title: The Enforcer (1951) as Babe Lazich: [Big Babe Lazich has just been invited to join Rico's gang. While he is waiting, he notices that Rico is always on the phone] Babe Lazich : Who calls him? Philadelphia Tom Zaca: If you're a good swimmer, you can ask the guy who found out, he's at the bottom of the river. Movie Title: The Producers (1968) as Max Bialystock: Max Bialystock : What's the matter with you? Leo Bloom : I'm hysterical! I'm having hysterics! I'm hysterical! I can't stop when I get like this. I can't stop. I'm hysterical. Oh my god. Ah-la-la-la. [Bialystock throws a glass of water in Leo's face] Leo Bloom : [stunned] ... I'm wet! I'm wet! I'm hysterical and I'm wet! [Bialystock slaps Leo] Leo Bloom : ...I'm in pain! I'm in pain, and I'm wet!... and I'm still hysterical! [Max raises his hand to slap Leo again] Leo Bloom : No, no, no don't hit, don't hit. It doesn't help. It only increases my sense of danger. Max Bialystock : What can I do? What can I do? You're getting me hysterical. Leo Bloom : Go away. Go away. You frighten me. Roger De Bris : Ah, Bialystock and Bloom, I presume! Heh heh, forgive the pun! Leo Bloom : [to Max] What pun? Max Bialystock : Shut up, he thinks he's witty. Ulla : Goddag på dig! Leo Bloom : Uh, I beg your pardon? Ulla : Goddag på dig! Leo Bloom : Ah, gut da! Max, have you gone mad? A receptionist who can't speak English? What will people say? Max Bialystock : They'll say, "A wuma wa wa wa wa!" Max Bialystock : That's it, baby, when you've got it, flaunt it, flaunt it! [Searching for the sure-fire flop] Max Bialystock : "Gregor Samsa awoke one morning to discover that he had been transformed into a giant cockroach." Nah, it's too good. Max Bialystock : Shut up, I'm having a rhetorical conversation. Max Bialystock : Max Bialystock is launching himself into little old lady land. Max Bialystock : Thank you, I knew I could con you. Leo Bloom : Let's assume, just for the moment, that you are a dishonest man. Max Bialystock : Assume away. Max Bialystock : That's exactly why we want to produce this play. To show the world the true Hitler, the Hitler you loved, the Hitler you knew, the Hitler with a song in his heart. Leo Bloom : Actors are not animals! They're human beings! Max Bialystock : They are? Have you ever eaten with one? Max Bialystock : You're an accountant! You're in a noble profession! The word "count" is part of your title! Max Bialystock : You have exactly ten seconds to change that look of disgusting pity into one of enormous respect! Max Bialystock : I'm condemned by a society that demands success when all I can offer is failure! Concierge : Who d'ya want? Leo Bloom : I beg your pardon? Concierge : Who d'ya want? Nobody gets in the building unless I know who they want. I'm the "concierge". My husband used to be the "concierge", but he's dead. Now I'M the "concierge". Max Bialystock : We are seeking Franz Liebkind. Concierge : Oh... the Kraut! He's on the top floor, apartment 23. Max Bialystock : Thank you... Concierge : ...But you won't find him there... he's up on the roof with his boids. He keeps boids. Dirty... disgusting... filthy... lice-ridden boids. You used to be able to sit out on the stoop like a person. Not anymore! No, sir! Boids!... You get my drift? Leo Bloom : We... uh... get your "drift". Thank you, madam. Concierge : I'm not a "madam"! I'm a "concierge"! Max Bialystock : Roger, did you have a chance to read "Springtime for Hitler?" Roger De Bris : [emerges from behind a partition wearing a dress] Remarkable, remarkable! A stunning piece of work. Leo Bloom : [under his breath] Max... he's wearing a dress. Max Bialystock : No kidding. Roger De Bris : Did you know, I never knew that the Third Reich meant Germany. I mean it's just drenched with historical goodies like that... Oh dear, you're staring at my dress. I should explain. We are going to the choreographer's ball tonight and there's a prize for the best costume. Carmen Giya : And we always win! Roger De Bris : I don't know about tonight. I'm supposed to be the Grand Duchess Anastasia, but I think I look more like Tugboat Annie. What do you think, Mr. Bloom? Leo Bloom : ...Where do you keep your wallet? Max Bialystock : Oooooooh, I WANT THAT MONEY! Max Bialystock : This pin used to hold a pearl the size of your eye. Look at me now, LOOK AT ME NOW! I'm wearing a cardboard belt! [Leo Bloom walks in on Bialystock romancing Holdmethouchme] Leo Bloom : Oh my God! Max Bialystock : You mean "oops" don't you just say "oops" and get out! Leo Bloom : Ahahahahahahahaha Max Bialystock : Not "ahahahahahahah!" Oops! Leo Bloom : Oops! [slams the door] Max Bialystock : How could this happen? I was so careful. I picked the wrong play, the wrong director, the wrong cast. Where did I go right? Max Bialystock : Here's to failure Leo Bloom : ...To failure Drunk : Why, thank you! You're very kind! Max Bialystock : Ulla! Go get car! Ulla : Ja, ja! We go to motel? Max Bialystock : No. I go with Mr. Bloom. Ulla : You and Mr. Bloom go to motel? Max Bialystock : No! Get car! Ulla : Get car! Max Bialystock : Leo, he who hesitates is poor! Max Bialystock : Money is honey! Money is honey! [Last line] Max Bialystock : Sing it out, men! Higher, you animals, higher! We open in Leavenworth Saturday night! |
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