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 Mark Hamill QuotationI have a sneaking suspicion that if there were a way to make movies without actors, George (Lucas) would do it. "Acting in 'Star Wars' I felt like a raisin in a giant fruit salad, and I didn't even know who the cantaloupes were." "I had the accident way before Star Wars came out, but what really happened has been terribly distorted. I broke my nose, that's it! But I've read accounts about how my face has been reconstructed with plastic surgery and how I was pulling myself along the highway with one arm looking for help. I even heard that I drove off a cliff! That's the best one of all." - Mark Hamill on his auto accident. Movie Title: Batman: Mask of the Phantasm (1993) as Joker / The Joker: Joker : So, what's an old-timer like you want with a two-timer like me? [The Phantasm finds Joker's surveillance camera and a bomb] Joker : Oops! I guess the joke's on me. You're not Batman after all. I guess there's a new face in Gotham and soon his name will be all over town... to say nothing of his feet, and spleen, and head... Joker : Can't be too careful with all those weirdos around. Joker : Mi casa nostra es su casa nostra. D.A. Arthur Reeves : What do you want? The Joker : To find out who's iced the old gang! D.A. Arthur Reeves : Haven't you read the papers? It's Batman! The Joker : Wrong! It ain't the Bat. Nope, nope, nope. I've seen the guy - he looks more like the Ghost of Christmas Future. Nowhere near as cute as Bat-boy. Andrea Beaumont : You're not smiling, Joker. I thought you found death amusing. The Joker : Oh, me? You won't hear a giggle out of me. [Joker presses a button. Hazel the Robot laughs maniacally and attacks with a cleaver] The Joker : Ain't always the way? You get in the mood and company shows up. The Joker : For once, I'm stuck without a punchline. The Joker : Very cute! But I can blow smoke too, toots! Joker : Your crazy! You'll get us both killed! Batman : Whatever it takes! The Joker : Alright, I confess. Tell her Batman. Batman : [Panting] Andrea, the place is set to... explode. Andrea Beaumont : No, one way or another it ends tonight. Goodbye. my love. Joker : You just don't know when to quit, do you? Joker : DON'T TOUCH ME OLD MAN... I don't know where you've been. The Joker : What a photo op: The city councilman and his wacky pal! The Joker : That's it. That's what I want to see, a nice big smile. The Joker : Hello, anybody home? Listen, boopsie, even though you never call and never write... I still got a soft spot for you. So I'm sending you a fun gift. Airmail. And there's no use jumping out the window this time, toots... The plane of the future is going to make you history... Hello? Hello, operator? I believe my party's been... disconnected! Movie Title: Full Throttle (1995) as Emmet / Adrian Ripburger: Ben : What if they search the back and find my bike? Emmet : It's buried under a pile of concentrated fertilizer powder. No one's gonna dig through that crap. [the projector shows Malcolm Corley being murdered by Ripburger] Adrian Ripburger : Now, this next slide demonstrates our new, more agressive corporate strategy. Adrian Ripburger : Nestor, what's that moving over there by that pile? Nestor: I don't know, but I think that pile is Bolus. Adrian Ripburger : Oh yes, now I remember. You're the smart one, aren't you? Malcolm Corley: What do you know, Ripburger? You've never even been on a bike! Adrian Ripburger : Oh, you know I'd be on one right now, sir, if not for this... destabilizing inner-ear condition. Malcolm Corley: Ah, your ears are fine. It's what's between 'em that scares me. Movie Title: The Big Red One (1980) as Griff: Griff : I can't murder anybody. The Sergeant : We don't murder; we kill. Griff : It's the same thing. The Sergeant : The hell it is, Griff. You don't murder animals; you kill 'em. Movie Title: Batman: Vengeance (2001) as The Joker / Dr. Isaac Evers / the Joker: the Joker : Look out, Mary. Heh-heh. Toby or not Toby? That is the question. Catch the Joker of save the boy? Aye, there is the rup. the Joker : Oh well. Kill and the world dies with you; die and you laugh alone. [Harley Quinn drops a mallet on Batman's head, Joker catches it in mid-fall] the Joker : Careful, Harley. You'll kill him. Harley Quinn : But... the Joker : But nothing. You're my hench-wench. Less wench, more hench, you molly-coddling little twit. Nobody kills the bat but me. Like so... [Batman and Joker begin fighting] [Joker is dangling off the edge of the Gotham Bridge] the Joker : Seems like old times, eh, Bats? You, me, a vat of chemicals? [Joker giggles hysterically] the Batman : Joker. the Joker : Heck of a joke, huh, Bats? the Batman : Hilarious. What's the punch-line? the Joker : Hmph. Some detective. Here's the joke: I'm not dead, and Gotham is. The punch-line: It's all YOUR fault, Batsy. the Batman : The gasworks. The prometheum. It was all you. the Joker : That was me, but... Small potatoes. I wanted help, if I wanted to murder a whole city. the Batman : Harley. the Joker : Sure. Harley had you wrapped around her little... whatever... But I needed more! But I needed more! That's where you came in. the Batman : The gasworks. the Joker : Ooh. Nice work with that one, Bats. Opening up those valves did wonders for this little "Burning Down Gotham" idea I've been kicking around. the Batman : But what about Ivy? the Joker : Hah! I've met yams with a higher IQ than that wenchtable! But it was the quietest way to make as much Joker Toxin as I needed... the Batman : And the Prometheum? the Joker : Well that's the burning question, isn't it? Batman : You're going to Arkham. The Joker : Huh, in a coffin or not at all. the Joker : Ah, Batsy, back again? You can't erase all your hard work now! It's all flames and giggles from here on out! the Joker : No, No, NO! No fair! Somebody kill the Bat! I'll handle Gotham myself... the Batman : Isaac Evers? Dr. Isaac Evers : Please! I didn't want it to go this far! the Batman : You! This is your show! You're the one trying to burn down the city! Dr. Isaac Evers : No! Not the city! I never wanted to hurt anyone! the Batman : It's a little late for that. Dr. Isaac Evers : It was an insurance scam! just wanted to burn down Gotham Industrial! After Freeze destroyed my lab, I tried to collect for the damages, but I couldn't without revealing the names of my financial backers. the Batman : And you couldn't do that because the Joker was funding you. So you decided to burn it all. You hired the Joker's men and used the Joker's toys to throw the cops off your trail. Dr. Isaac Evers : It was all I had left to do. But the clowns stopped listening to me. I can't control them anymore. They tied me up; they were trying to burn down the whole city! I swear, I never wanted to hurt anybody. the Batman : ... Movie Title: Time Runner (1993) as Michael Raynor: Michael Raynor : Tomorrow's my birthday -- literally. Movie Title: Batman: Gotham Knights (1997) as Jack Napier: Jack Napier : I may be crazy enough to take on Batman, but the IRS? No thank you! Movie Title: The Adventures of Batman & Robin (1992) as The Joker: Two-Face : Poison Ivy. Poison Ivy : It's been a long time, Harvey. You're still looking halfway decent. Two-Face : Half of me wants to strangle ya. Poison Ivy : And what does the other half want? Two-Face : To hit ya with a truck. Poison Ivy : We used to date. The Joker , The Penguin , Killer Croc : Ah. [Discussing Batman over a poker game] The Joker : He sure gets around for one guy. Two-Face : Yeah, well that's where you're wrong. I don't think it is one guy. Killer Croc : Huh? Two-Face : The way I figure it, Gordon's got a bunch of 'em stashed someplace like a S.W.A.T. team. He wants you to think it's one guy, but... The Joker : Ah, you're always seeing double. The Penguin : It's obvious our cowled friend suffered some crime-related trauma when he was younger. Perhaps an over-anxious mugger blew off a piece of his face. The Joker : Sure, he could be all gross and disgusting under that mask! Uh, no offense, Harv. Two-Face : Just deal. Killer Croc : Well, you know what I think? The Joker : Not the robot theory again. Killer Croc : Well, he could be. The Joker : Since you don't like my side-splitters, how 'bout a skull-splitter? Two-Face : Get outta my face, clown! The Joker : Which one? Harley Quinn : It's Late Night Gotham Live, and here's the man who puts a smile on your face whether you want it or not, The Joker! The Joker : Good evening folks, I'm The Joker. Living proof that you don't have to be crazy to host this show, but it helps. Ha ha! Killer Croc : Hey, I don't get it. You just knocked out Catwoman and left her. The Joker : Ah c'mon Croccers, didn't I say there's more than one way to get someone. Even as I speak, Catwoman is being trust up at the Pussykins Pet Food Factory. First thing tomorrow I'm sending a lovely case of cat food to Batman. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! Batman (as Killer Croc): I don't think so! Batman tosses Joker to a nearby table. The Joker : Was it something I said? The Joker : [on his answering machine] Boy, did YOU get the wrong number! We're not home right now, so please leave your message at the sound of the shriek. Oh, no! No, please!... [gasp] The Joker : AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH! [beep] Two-Face : ...And if it weren't for this blasted coin... I would have got him. The Joker : Gee, that's to bad, Harv, but I guess you'll always come in second. Anybody else want to go? Killer Croc : ME! There I was, holed up in this quarry when Batman came nosing around. He was getting closer... Closer. . . Poison Ivy : And - ? Killer Croc : I threw a rock at him! *everyone stares in dead silence* Poison Ivy : So, Harvey, when became of the giant penny? Killer Croc : It was a big rock. . . Two-Face : They actually let him keep it! The Joker : [to Bud and Lou] Yeah yeah, you're hungry, I'm hungry. Do me a favour and eat each other. The Joker : Drown the kids and shoot the neighbours! We've got a winner! The Joker : [after Batman fights back against his hyenas] Hey! Do I hit your kids? Oh, actually I do... Movie Title: Burl's (2003) as Narrator: [last lines] Narrator : As for my Father... Well, let's just say... His worst fears came true. Movie Title: The Guyver (1991) as Max Reed: Max Reed : Just one thing. I mean, what the hell's a scientist doing in the middle of the night on a concrete riverbed in his lab coat? Fishing? Col. Castle : Who knows? Some people will do anything to land a fish. Even tell a fish story. Max Reed : Yeah? Well it ain't fish I smell, it's a rat! Max Reed : That's a nice place to hide the mirror. Max Reed : [running with Mizky, trying to find a way out] This way! Max Reed : [runs other way with Mizky, now knowing their exit is blocked by a creature chasing them] Guess not! Movie Title: The Muppet Show (1976) as Luke Skywalker: [Luke Skywalker and C-3PO, from the movie Star Wars, are making a guest appearance on the show "Pigs in Space"] Luke Skywalker : [pointing at Miss Piggy, who's dressed like Princess Leia] Look, it's the Princess! C-3PO : She doesn't look anything like the Princess! Miss Piggy : [sternly, to C-3PO] Watch it, hardware! Movie Title: Wing Commander IV: The Price of Freedom (1995) as Colonel Blair: Colonel Blair : Space Marshall Tolwyn believes our victory over the Kilrathi to be a fluke, that we as a race need tinkering with, engineering. If a few billion die along the way, WELL they weren't worthy anyway! Why CAN'T we be more like the Kilrathi, ADDICTED to conflict, the ONLY MEANING IN LIFE being found in death, TELL US ALL, Admiral! Is THAT the Price of Freedom? [Blair and Maniac have just defected from Confed and Blair is trying to cheer Maniac up] Colonel Blair : Hey, look on the bright side - now you don't have to deal with that Confed promotion that finally came through! Maniac : My promotion came through? My promotion came through! (beat) Confed, wait, thats not... right... Movie Title: The Incredible Hulk (1996) as The Gargoyle: The Gargoyle : A grey Hulk? Finally a color I can relate to! Movie Title: Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back (2001) as Scooby Doo / Cock-Knocker: [Cock-Knocker has gotten his hand chopped off] Cock-Knocker : Oh no, not again. Cock-Knocker : Don't fuck with the Jedi Master, son. Scooby Doo : Hi, Ray and Rirent Rob. [Scooby laugh] Movie Title: Star Wars: Episode V - The Empire Strikes Back (1980) as Luke: Yoda : Stopped they must be; on this all depends. Only a fully-trained Jedi Knight, with the Force as his ally, will conquer Vader and his Emperor. Obi-Wan : Patience. Luke : And sacrifice Han and Leia? Yoda : If you honor what they fight for? Yes. Obi-Wan : If you choose to face Vader, you will do it alone. I cannot interfere. Luke : I understand. R2. Fire up the converters. Obi-Wan : Luke. Don't give in to hate. That leads to the Dark Side. Yoda : Strong is Vader. Mind what you have learned. Save you it can. Luke : I will. And I'll return, I promise. [Luke has seen a vision of Han, Leia and Chewie being tortured in Cloud City] Luke : I saw a city in the clouds. They were in pain. Yoda : It is the future you see. Luke : Will they die? Yoda : Difficult to see. Always in motion is future. Luke : I've gotta go to them. Yoda : Decide you must what to serve them best. If you leave now, help them you could but you would destroy all for which they have fought and suffered. Luke : I want my lamp back. I'm gonna need it to get out of this slimy mudhole. Yoda : Mudhole? Slimy? My home this is. [Luke can't levitate his X-Wing out of the bog] Luke : I can't. It's too big. Yoda : Size matters not. Look at me. Judge me by my size, do you? Hmm? Hmm. And well you should not. For my ally is the Force, and a powerful ally it is. Life creates it, makes it grow. Its energy surrounds us and binds us. Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter. You must feel the Force around you; here, between you, me, the tree, the rock, everywhere, yes. Even between the land and the ship. Yoda : I am wondering, why are you here? Luke : I'm looking for someone. Yoda : Looking? Found someone, you have, I would say, hmmm? Luke : Right... Yoda : Help you I can. Yes, mmmm. Luke : I don't think so. I'm looking for a great warrior. Yoda : Ohhh. Great warrior. [laughs and shakes his head] Yoda : Wars not make one great. Luke : All right, I'll give it a try. Yoda : No. Try not. Do... or do not. There is no try. [Using the Force, Yoda effortlessly frees the X-Wing from the bog] Luke : I don't, I don't believe it. Yoda : That is why you fail. Darth Vader : There is no escape. Don't make me destroy you. [pauses] Darth Vader : Luke, you do not yet realize your importance. You have only begun to discover your power. Join me, and I will complete your training. With our combined strength, we can end this destructive conflict and bring order to the galaxy. Luke : I'll never join you. Darth Vader : If you only knew the power of the Dark Side. Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your father. Luke : He told me enough. He told me you killed him. Darth Vader : No. I am your father. Luke : No. That's not true. That's impossible. Darth Vader : Search your feelings you know it to be true. Luke : Nooooo. Nooooo. [Yoda tries to convince Luke not to leave] Luke : But Han and Leia will die if I don't. Obi-Wan : You don't know that. Not even Yoda can tell their destiny. Luke : But I can help them. I feel the Force ... Obi-Wan : But you cannot control it. This is a dangerous time you, were you will be tempted by the Dark Side of the Force Luke : I don't know. I feel like... Yoda : Feel like what? [Luke whips around and pulls out his blaster in defense] Luke : Like we're being watched. Yoda : Away put your weapon. I mean you no harm. Yoda : Why wish you become Jedi? Luke : Mostly because of my father, I guess. Yoda : Ah, father. Powerful Jedi was he, powerful Jedi. Luke : How could you know my father? You don't even know who I am. I don't even know what I'm doing here. We're wasting our time. Darth Vader : Your destiny lies with me Skywalker. Obi-Wan knew this to be true. Luke : No... Yoda : Yes, a Jedi's strength flows from the Force. But beware of the dark side. Anger, fear, aggression; the dark side of the Force are they. Easily they flow, quick to join you in a fight. If once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny, consume you it will, as it did Obi-Wan's apprentice. Luke : Vader... Is the dark side stronger? Yoda : No, no, no. Quicker, easier, more seductive. Luke : But how am I to know the good side from the bad? Yoda : You will know... when you are calm, at peace, passive. A Jedi uses the Force for knowledge and defense, never for attack. Luke : I won't fail you. I'm not afraid. Yoda : You will be. You will be. Luke : How far away is Yoda? Yoda : Not far. Yoda not far. Soon you will be with him. [repeated line] Luke : Ben... Ben. Why didn't you tell me? Han Solo : How are you feeling kid? You don't look so bad to me. You look strong enough to pull the ears off a gundar. Luke : Thanks to you. Han Solo : That's two you owe me junior. [after R2D2 is spit out by a swamp creature on Dagobah - the line is changed in the Special Edition] Luke : You're lucky you don't taste very good. Luke : Wedge, I've lost my gunner. You're going to have to make the shoot. Wedge Antilles : Copy that, Rogue Leader. Luke : Hang on... Hang on, Dak! Darth Vader : You've learned much, young one. Luke : Yeah, you'll see I'm full of surprises. Luke : I feel death, cold. Yoda : The place, were the Dark Side lies, a domain of evil it is. In you must go. Luke : What's in there? Yoda : Only what you take with you. Luke : But tell me why I can't ... Yoda : No, there is no why. Nothing more will I teach you today, clear your mind of questions. [Luke's ship sinks into the mud] Luke : We'll never get it out now! Yoda : So certain are you. Always with you it cannot be done. Have you not heard what I've said? Movie Title: Star Wars: Episode VI - Return of the Jedi (1983) as Luke: Luke : Master Yoda, you can't die. Yoda : Strong am I with the Force, but not that strong. Han Solo : Chewie and I will check it out, you two stay here. Luke : Quietly. There may be more of them out there. Han Solo : Hey, it's me. Han Solo : I think my eyes are getting better. Instead of a big dark blur, I see a big light blur. Luke : There's nothing to see. I used to live here, you know. Han Solo : You're going to die here you know. Convenient. Yoda : Hmm. That face you make? Look I so old to young eyes? Luke : No... of course not. [Yoda chuckles] Yoda : I do, yes, I do. Sick have I become. Old and weak. When nine hundred years old you reach, look as good you will not. Hmm? Luke : If I don't make it back, you're the only hope for the Alliance. Princess Leia : Luke, don't talk that way. You have a power I don't understand and could never have. Luke : You're wrong, Leia. You have that power too. In time you'll learn to use it as I have. The Force runs strong in my family. My father has it. I have it. And... my sister has it. Yes. It's you, Leia. Princess Leia : I know. Somehow, I've always known. Darth Vader : You cannot hide forever, Luke. Luke : I will not fight you. Darth Vader : Give yourself to the Dark Side. It is the only way you can save your friends. Yes. Your thoughts betray you. Your feelings for them are strong. Especially for... sister. So, you have a twin sister. Your feelings have now betrayed her, too. Obi-Wan was wise to hide her from me. Now his failure is complete. If you will not turn to the Dark Side... then perhaps she will. Luke : NEVER! Emperor Palpatine : I assure you, we are quite safe from your friends here. Luke : Your overconfidence is your weakness. Emperor Palpatine : Your faith in your friends is yours. Luke : Never. I'll never turn to the Dark Side. You've failed, your highness. I am a Jedi, like my father before me. Emperor Palpatine : So be it... Jedi. Darth Vader : Luke help me take this mask off. Luke : But you'll die. Darth Vader : Nothing can stop that now. Just for once let me look on you with my own eyes. [Luke takes off the mask one piece at a time] Anakin : Now go my son. Leave me. Luke : No, you're coming with me. I'll not leave you here. I've got to save you Anakin : You already have, Luke. You were right. You were right about me. Tell your sister, you were right. [Anakin slumps down in death] Luke : Father, I won't leave you. Luke : I can't kill my own father. Obi-wan Kenobi : Then the Emperor has already won. You were our last hope. Darth Vader : The Emperor has been expecting you. Luke : I know, father. Darth Vader : So, you have accepted the truth. Luke : I've accepted the truth that you were once Anakin Skywalker, my father. Darth Vader : That name no longer has any meaning for me. Luke : It is the name of your true self, you've only forgotten. I know there is good in you, the Emperor hasn't driven it from you fully. That was why you couldn't destroy me, that's why you won't bring me to your emperor now. Darth Vader : I see you have constructed a new lightsaber. Your skills are complete, indeed you are powerful as the emperor has foreseen. Luke : Come with me. Darth Vader : Obi-Wan once thought as you do. You don't know the *power* of the Dark Side, I *must* obey my master. Luke : I will not turn, and you'll be forced to kill me. Darth Vader : If that is your destiny. Luke : Search your feelings, Father, you can't do this. I feel the conflict within you. Let go of your hate. Darth Vader : It is too late for me son. The Emperor will show you the true nature of the Force. He is your master now. Luke : Then my father is truly dead. Emperor Palpatine : Welcome, young Skywalker. I have been expecting you. You'll no longer need those. [Luke's handcuffs fall from his wrists] Emperor Palpatine : Guards, leave us. I'm looking forward to completing your training. In time you will call *me* master. Luke : You're gravely mistaken, you won't convert me as you did my father. Emperor Palpatine : Oh no, my young Jedi. You will find that it is you who are mistaken, about a great many things. Emperor Palpatine : Come, boy, see for yourself. From here, you will witness the final destruction of the Alliance and the end of your insignificant rebellion. [Luke's eyes go to his lightsaber] Emperor Palpatine : You want this, don't you? The hate is swelling in you now. Take your Jedi weapon. Use it. I am unarmed. Strike me down with it. Give in to your anger. With each passing moment you make yourself more my servant. Luke : No. Emperor Palpatine : It is unavoidable. It is your destiny. You, like your father, are now mine. Luke : Your thoughts betray you, Father. I feel the good in you, the conflict. Darth Vader : There is no conflict. Luke : You couldn't bring yourself to kill me before and I don't believe you'll destroy me now. Darth Vader : You underestimate the power of the Dark Side. If you will not fight, then you will meet your destiny. Luke : Why didn't you tell me? You told me Vader betrayed and murdered my father. Obi-wan Kenobi : Your father was seduced by the dark side of the Force. He ceased to be Anakin Skywalker and became Darth Vader. When that happened, the good man who was your father was destroyed. Yoda : That face you make... look I so old to young eyes? Luke : No. Of course not. Yoda : I do. Yes, I do. Sicker I become, old and weak... When nine hundred years old YOU reach, look as good YOU will not, hmm? Han Solo : Together again. Luke : Wouldn't miss it. Han Solo : How we doin'? Luke : Same as always. Han Solo : That bad, huh? Luke : Vader's on that ship. Han Solo : Now don't get jittery, Luke. There are a lot of command ships. Keep your distance, though, Chewie, but don't look like you're trying to keeping your distance. [Chewie barks a question] Han Solo : I don't know. Fly casual. Luke : Threepio, tell them if they don't do as you wish, you'll become angry and use your magic. C-3PO : But, Master Luke, what magic? I couldn't possibly... Luke : Just tell them. Luke : Yoda spoke of another. Obi-wan Kenobi : The 'other' that he spoke of is your twin sister. Luke : But I have no sister. Obi-wan Kenobi : To protect you both from the Emperor, you were hidden from your father when you were born. The Emperor knew, as I did, that if Anakin were to have any offspring, they would be a threat to him. That is the reason why your sister remains safely anonymous. Luke : Leia. Leia is my sister. Obi-wan Kenobi : Your insight serves you well. C-3PO : At last, Master Luke's come to rescue me! Bib Fortuna : Master. [Jabba wakes up with a start] Bib Fortuna : May I present Luke Skywalker, Jedi Knight? Jabba the Hutt: I told you not to admit him. Luke : I must be allowed to speak. Bib Fortuna : He must be allowed to speak. Jabba the Hutt: You weak minded fool. He's using an old Jedi mind trick. [Jabba shoves Bib Fortuna aside] Luke : You will bring Captain Solo and the wookiee to me. [Jabba laughs] Jabba the Hutt: Your mind powers will not work on me boy. Luke : You will bring Captain Solo and the Wookiee to me. Jabba the Hutt: Your mind tricks will not work on me, boy. Luke : Nevertheless, I am taking Captain Solo and his friends. You can either profit by this or be destroyed. It's your choice, but I warn you not to underestimate my power. Luke : Soon I'll be dead, and you with me. Emperor Palpatine : [laughing] Perhaps you refer to the emminent attack of your rebel fleet. Yes, I assure you, we are quite safe from your friends here. Movie Title: Batman Beyond: Return of the Joker (2000) as Jordan Price / The Joker: The Joker : Brave new world, which has such yutzes in it. The Joker : But now I'm tanned, I'm rested and I'm ready to give the old town a wedgie again. The Joker : Ah, the new boy. Ears are too long and I miss the cape. But not too shabby. Not too shabby at all. The Joker : What are you doing? Terry McGinnis : Fighting dirty. The Joker : The real Batman wouldn't... Terry McGinnis : I told you, you didn't know a thing about me. Bonk : I was just kidding boss. The Joker : Me too. The Joker : Funny guy Batman : Can't say the same for you. The Joker : Impudent brat, who do you think your talking to? Batman : Not a comedian I'll tell ya that! The Joker : Funny guy. Terry McGinnis/Batman : Can't say the same thing about you. The Joker : Impudent brat. Who do you think you're talking to? Terry McGinnis/Batman : Not a comedian, I'll tell you that. The Joker : Shut your mouth! Terry McGinnis/Batman : The real Batman never talked to you much, did he? That's probably why you were so fixated on him. The Joker : Don't play psychoanalyst with me, boy. Terry McGinnis/Batman : Oh, I don't need a degree to figure you out. The real reason you kept coming back was you never got a laugh out of the old man. The Joker : I'm not hearing this... Terry McGinnis/Batman : Get a clue, clowny. He's got no sense of humor. He wouldn't know a good joke if it bit him in the cape. Not that you ever had a good joke. I mean, joy buzzers, squirting flowers - lame. Where's the A material? Make a face, drop your pants, something! [Shot in the chest] The Joker : That's not funny. That's not... The Joker : [to Bruce/Batman] Don't like the movie? I've got slides. Batman : I'll break you in two... The Joker : Oh, please, if you had the guts for that kind of fun, you'd have done it years ago. The Joker : But all too soon the serums and the shocks took their toll, and the dear lad began to share such secrets with me, secrets that are mine alone to know... Bruce. It's true batsy, I know everything. And kind of like the kid who peeks at his Christmas presents I must admit it's sadly anti-climactic. Behind all the stern and bat-o-rangs you're just a little boy in a playsuit crying for mommy and daddy. I'd be funny if it wasn't so pathetic. Oh what the heck I'll laugh anyway. HA HA HA HA HA! The Joker : You're out of your league, McGinnis. I know every trick the original Batman and Robin knew at their peaks. Terry McGinnis/Batman : Maybe, but you don't know a thing about me. The Joker : You? What's to know? You're a punk, a rank amateur, a costumed errand boy taking orders from a senile old man. The Joker : I suppose I should salute you as a worthy adversary and all that, but the truth is I really did hate your guts. [Blows raspberries at Bruce] Jordan Price : You! Where's Amy? Dee Dee : Missed the boat, I'm afraid! [Price looks out the window and sees Amy tied to a pole] Jordan Price : Turn the yacht around! Chucko : Detox, bossman. Ghoul : We'll be quick. Woof gets seasick easy. Jordan Price : Our business is concluded. I gave you the security codes so you could ransack the lab while those bunglers tried to kill Wayne. Chucko : Word is Wayne's terminal anyhow. Dee Dee : That means you get to stay top dog. Dee Dee : And everyone's happy. Jordan Price : So why are you here? Chucko : The big guy who put us all in contact has decided you're a loose end. Ghoul : And loose ends should be tied up. Jordan Price : They're getting away! Batman : Yeah, and I think they've got a good reason! The Joker : Bonk?... Oh right! Dead. Movie Title: Joseph: King of Dreams (2000) as Judah: Judah : Oh please, you must tell us our future, great Joseph. [sarcastic] Simeon : Should I be scared? Judah : Because I will not make my father suffer...again. Joseph : Will you forgive me, for thinking I was some miracle from God? Judah : But you are a miracle. God sent you to save our family and all of Egypt. And you did. Movie Title: Mad TV (1995) as Mr. Swan: Mr. Swan : Will you shut up? I swear to God I'm gonna cut off your head and throw it right in your face if you don't shut up and listen to me! Movie Title: Justice League: Unlimited (2001) as Solomon Grundy / Joker: Joker : And people say I'M crazy. Joker : How did you get free? Batman : I could have escaped from that trap at any time. But I thought I'd hang around to keep an eye on you, clown. [Solomon Grundy is dying] Solomon Grundy : Grundy thinks he is going away now. Hawkgirl : No, just hang on! Solomon Grundy : Do you think Grundy's soul is waiting for him? Hawkgirl : Grundy, I don't believe... [Hawkgirl pauses and looks into Grundy's eyes] Hawkgirl : [With tears in her eyes] Yes. It's waiting for you. Solomon Grundy : Then, Grundy gets his reward. Batman : Wally West, Clark Kent... [Takes off mask] Batman : Bruce Wayne. The Flash : Show-off Movie Title: The Simpsons (1989) as Mark Hamill: Mark Hamill : Hey, pal, that's my face up there next to the pepper steak, and don't you forget it. Louie : You're all talk, Hamill. You never even finished Jedi school. Mark Hamill : Hey everybody. I'm here today as Luke Skywalker, but I'm also here to talk about Sprint. As you can see here, you can save up to three times more than the more dependable companies. Audience: Talk about Star Wars. Homer : Shut up you stupid nerds, he's trying to save you money on long distance calls. Mark Hamill : [singing to the tune of "Luck Be A Lady"] Luke be a Jedi tonight. Just be a Jedi tonight. Do it for for Yoda, while we serve our guests a soda. Mark Hamill : Homer, use the for... Homer : The Force? Mark Hamill : The forks. Use the forks. Movie Title: Star Wars: Episode IV - A New Hope (1977) as Luke: [a large-eyed creature gives Luke a rough shove] Dr. Evazan : [explaining] He doesn't like you. Luke : I'm sorry. Dr. Evazan : I don't like you either. You just watch yourself. We're wanted men. I have the death sentence on twelve systems. Luke : I'll be careful. Dr. Evazan : You'll be dead! Obi-Wan : [intervening] This little one's not worth the effort. Now come, let me get you something. [Dr. Evazan shoves Luke across the room and pulls out a blaster] Bartender : No blasters! No blasters! [In a flash, he and his alien companion Pomda Baba are on the floor with a slashed torso and a severed arm respectively] Luke : Listen, I can't get involved. I've got work to do. It's not that I like the Empire; I hate it. But there's nothing I can do about it right now... It's all such a long way from here. Obi-Wan : That's your uncle talking. Luke : I'm Luke Skywalker. I'm here to rescue you. Princess Leia : You're who? Luke : How did my father die? Obi-Wan : A young Jedi named Darth Vader, who was a pupil of mine until he turned to evil, helped the Empire hunt down and destroy the Jedi knights. He betrayed and murdered your father. Luke : [on first seeing the Millenium Falcon] What a piece of junk! Han Solo : She'll make point five past lightspeed. She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid. I've made a lot of special modifications myself. Obi-Wan : Luke, there was nothing you could have done, had you been there. You would have been killed, too, and the droids would now be in the hands of the Empire. Luke : I want to come with you to Alderaan. There is nothing here for me now. I want to learn the ways of the Force and become a Jedi like my father. Han Solo : This is not going to work. Luke : Why didn't you say so before? Han Solo : I did say so before. [Luke blows up his first TIE fighter] Luke : Got 'im! I got 'im! Han Solo : Great, kid. Don't get cocky. [after a successful rescue of Princess Leia] Luke : So, what do you think of her, Han? Han Solo : I'm tryin' not to, kid. Luke : [sotto voce] Good. Han Solo : [baiting him] Still, she's got a lot of spirit. I don't know, whaddya think? You think a princess and a guy like me... Luke : [quickly] No. Luke : So... you got your reward and you're just leaving then? Han Solo : That's right, yeah. I got some old debts I've got to pay off with this stuff. Even if I didn't, you don't think I'd be fool enough to stick around here, do you? Why don't you come with us? You're pretty good in a fight. We could use you. Luke : Come on. Why don't you take a look around? You know what's about to happen, what they're up against. They could use a good pilot like you. You're turning your back on them. Han Solo : What good's a reward if you ain't around to use it? Besides, attacking that battle station ain't my idea of courage. It's more like... suicide. Luke : All right. Well, take care of yourself, Han. I guess that's what you're best at, isn't it? [starts to storm off] Han Solo : Hey, Luke... may the Force be with you. [Luke exits. Chewie growls] Han Solo : What're you lookin' at? I know what I'm doin'. Luke : I used to bullseye womp rats in my T-16 back home. They're not much bigger than two meters. Aunt Beru : Where are you going? Luke : Looks like I'm going nowhere... I have to go finish cleaning those 'droids. Aunt Beru : [after Luke leaves] Owen, he can't stay here forever, most of his friends have gone. It means so much to him. Uncle Owen : Well, I'll make it up to him next year, I promise. Aunt Beru : Luke's just not a farmer, Owen. He has too much of his father in him. Uncle Owen : That's what I'm afraid of. [approaching the Death Star] Luke : I have a very bad feeling about this. Luke : You know, between his howling and you blasting everything in sight, it's a wonder the whole station doesn't know we're here. Han Solo : Bring 'em on, I'd prefer a straight fight to all this sneaking around. Han Solo : Where did you dig up that old fossil? Luke : Ben is a great man. Han Solo : Yeah, great at getting us into trouble. Princess Leia : Your friend is quite a mercenary. I wonder if he really cares about anything... or anybody. Luke : I care. Luke : [griping about Tatooine] If there's a bright center to the universe, you're on the planet that it's farthest from. C-3PO : Is there anything I can do? Luke : Not unless you can alter time, speed up the harvest or teleport me off this rock. Luke : I'm not such a bad pilot myself. Luke : Hey Biggs, I told you I'd make it. Biggs : It'll be like old times, they'll never stop us. C-3PO : Master Luke, sir. Pardon me for asking, but what should R2 and I do if we're discovered here? Luke : Lock the door. Han Solo : And hope they don't have blasters. C-3PO : That isn't very reassuring. Luke : Uncle Owen, this R2 unit has a bad motivator. Luke : What are you doing hiding back there? C-3PO : It wasn't my fault, sir, please don't deactivate me. I told R2-D2 not to go but he's faulty, malfunctioning. 'Kept babbling on about his mission. Luke : [knowing his new acquaintance only as 'Ben'] He claims to be the property of an "Obi-Wan" Kenobi. Is he a relative of yours? Do you know what he's talking about? Obi-Wan : Obi-Wan Kenobi? Obi-Wan... Now, that's a name I haven't heard in a long time... A long time. Luke : I think my uncle knows him. He said he was dead. Obi-Wan : Oh, he's not dead... Not yet. Luke : You know him? Obi-Wan : Of course I know him: He's me. Luke : It's a good thing you have these compartments. Han Solo : Yeah, I use them for smuggling. I'd never thought I'd be smuggling myself in them. C-3PO : I understand, sir. Luke : You can call me Luke. C-3PO : I see, sir Luke. Luke : [laughs] No, just Luke. [Han is chasing some Stormtroopers] Princess Leia : He certainly has courage... Luke : Yeah, but what good will it do us if he gets himself killed? Come on! [Luke and Leia run off in the opposite direction] [last lines] C-3PO : You must repair him! Sir, if any of my circuits or gears will help, I'll gladly donate them. Luke : He'll be all right. Movie Title: Wing Commander III: Heart of the Tiger (1994) as Col. Blair: Admiral Tolwyn : The TCS Victory is a fine vessel with a long history of service to the Confederation. Col. Blair : Very long, sir. Col. Blair : Peace. Have we ever known anything like that, Paladin? [Maniac, a major, resents Blair getting promoted ahead of him.] Maniac : I bet you stay up all night just polishing that. Col. Blair : No, as a matter of fact I have majors that do that for me. Maniac : The difference in our ranks is just a formality. We all know who's better in the cockpit. Col. Blair : Yes, we do. Movie Title: Batman/Superman Adventures: World's Finest (1998) as Joker / The Joker: Joker : Pay me one billion dollars, and I'll kill Superman! Lex Luthor : What makes you think you can kill Superman when you can't even handle a mere mortal in a Halloween costume? Joker : There's nothing mere about that mortal! [Harley's driving Lex Luthor's limo] Harley Quinn : Whoa, momma, check out the cute hitchhiker! The Joker : [hitchhiking and showing off his gams] Yoo-hoo! The Joker : I sense we are kindred spirits, you and I. Oh, there are differences, to be sure... like hair. [Chuckles and pat's Luthor's bald head] [To Bruce Wayne, on dating Lois Lane] The Joker : My, you do live dangerously. Don't you realize you're moving in on Superman's main squeeze? [Bruce Wayne topples over the edge of a skyscraper.] The Joker : See that he's street pizza! In this town, some flying fool could have caught him! [The Joker sees Batman fly towards him with a jetpack.] The Joker : Copy-bat! Copy-bat! Suffering from propulsion envy, Batboy? The Joker : Oh, this could be a fair fight after all! And who wants to see that? [Superman has just broken in on the Joker] The Joker : More powerful than a locomotive... and just about as subtle. |
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