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 Dana Snyder QuotationMovie Title: Aqua Teen Hunger Force (2000) as Shake / Master Shake: Master Shake : Good morning Carl. How's it goin? Carl : Hello there Mr. Food Monster Man. This is how it's goin. Look at my freakin' car. It is crushed, to Bejeesus and back. Master Shake : [stares at wrecked car] Have you gotten any estimates? Master Shake : A car cannot be killed, Frylock. It was murdered. Frylock : Shake, have you seen my towel? Master Shake : Just use a paper towel. Frylock : I'm taking a bath. Master Shake : They're right in the kitchen, just go get 'em. Frylock : Shake, how did you get in this beam? Master Shake : Look, that beam came from space. You don't own space, so stop acting like you do. [Frylock tries to get Shake to help him find Meatwad] Master Shake : I should not crawl, so that a child may live. Frylock : What? Master Shake : Well that's what it does. Master Shake : Plaque is a figment of the liberal media and the dental industry to scare you into buying useless appliances and pastes. Now, I've heard the arguments on both sides, and there is nothing to convince me of the need to brush your teeth. Robot : Well, this is going to take a long time, so you may want to get some snacks. Frylock : No, no, that's all right. I think I can wait for it. Shake : Well, I'M going to get food. Robot : THOUSANDS OF YEARS AGO, before the dawn of man as we knew him, there was Sir Santa of Claus, an ape-like creature making crude and pointless toys out of dinobones and his own waste, hurling them at chimp-like creatures with crinkled hands regardless of how they behaved the previous year. These so-called "toys" were buried as witches, and defecated upon, and hurled at predators when wakened by the searing grunts of children. It wasn't a holly jolly Christmas that year. For many were killed. Frylock : Well, that still doesn't tell me why you... Robot : I'm not finished. YOU should have gotten a snack. A war-like race of elves from the Red Planet landed on the ice-encased Earth, and they were immediately enslaved by the unevolved Santa Ape to make his confused toys using galactic elfin technology. Toys were made into recognizable shapes and given names like "train," but these toys were also thrown at predators and defecated upon because they were so stupid. Christmas still sucked, in a big way. Meatwad : Boy, this IS a long story. Maybe I WILL get something to eat. Carl : Yeah, I think I'm gonna get drunk while I listen. Master Shake : I was not put on this earth to listen to meat! Master Shake : I got rid of my teeth at a young age because... I'm straight. Teeth are for gay people. That's why fairies come and get them. Meatwad : I hear the sounds of wings on the roof. It's the Tooth Fairy. Master Shake : What, is she coming for your one tooth? She won't, since I'm gonna kick it outta your head while you're asleep. Meatwad : [starts crying] [Master Shake is trying to get out of cleaning up the kitchen] Master Shake : That room is dead to me. Let's burn down the kitchen and use the living room as a kitchen from now on. Look, here's our stove. [sets the couch on fire] [Master Shake has made a mess of the kitchen. Frylock has sent him to the store to buy cleaning supplies] Frylock : [pulls out an aerosol can] What? Is this cheese? How are you going to clean up the kitchen with cheese, Shake? Master Shake : We don't... I mean, that room is dead to me now. Let's just wall it off and use the living as our kitchen from now on. Look, here's our new stove. [Sets the couch on fire] Master Shake : You're both yo-yo's. Shut up ya yo-yo's. [Shake is going to jump off a cliff so he can become a Highlander] Frylock : Shake wait. The Highlander was just a movie. Master Shake : No, Frylock, The Highlander was a documentary, and events happened in real time. Shake : I got something stuck in my ass. Frylock : What the hell? There is something there. Shake : Get it out. What is it. It looks like an "easy open" toilet? Frylock : It's a mini basketball hoop. Shake : What is this bas-ket-ball you speak of? Frylock : Aw Hell. I forgot to put sports on the DVD. Shake : And what is this [laugh] Shake : s-sports you speak of? Master Shake : Who are you?... What is this this? Demonic voice: It is the Broodwich, forged in darkness from wheat harvested in Hell's half-acre, baked by Beelzebub, slathered with mayonaise beaten from the evil eggs of dark chicken forces into sauce by the hands of a one-eyed madman, cheese boiled from the rancid teat of a fanged cow, layered with six-hundrded and sixty-six separate meats from an animal which has maggots for blood! Frylock : See... told ya. Master Shake : I tasted mustard. Demonic voice: Yeah... DIJON mustard! Master Shake : I swear, it's gonna be hell week all rolled up into one night up in here. [Carl and Shake have ordered a mail-order bride] Carl : Oh man, I cannot wait. I got the oils, the candles, the works. When does that babe get here? Master Shake : Carl, don't refer to her as a babe, please. She is a Chechnyan prostitute and you will refer to her as such. Frylock : Where do you think our TVs come from? Master Shake : Jesus? Meatwad : No. It's Santa Clause. Master Shake : It's the same thing. Meatwad : No, it ain't. And I should know. I'm Jewish. [pause] Meatwad : From this day forward. Master Shake : There is something wrong with that TV. Frylock : There is nothing wrong with that TV. [Tv starts gushing blood] Frylock : Okay, there is something wrong with that TV. Master Shake : Excuse me, I need to pray. Carl : Hey, buddy, how you doin'? Pizzaland, huh? Yeah, that's lots of fun. I just called to tell you that YOU BURNED MY FRICKIN' HOUSE DOWN! Master Shake : But the grass is gone? Look, Carl, that is the price of doing business. Err : Ya all have any eggs? Shake : I don't know guys. Lemme check. Err : 'Cause I'm totally gonna mess someone's house up! Inignot : Yes, eggs or pot... Either one. Meatwad : Hey, a, Frylock, do we have any pot? Frylock : No, we don't! Marijuana is illegal. Err : What about Nitrous, man? Inignot : Shut up, Err. Meatwad : I just can't go, you know, with people watching. Master Shake : We don't need a toilet. The pile of clothes in the hallway has worked fine for us for years, and it will continue to work. Master Shake : Mail call! Frylock, letter for you! Meatwad... get a life! Master Shake : Well, look. I mean, is he gonna be able to chase us? Cause if I woke up lookin' like that, I would just run towards the nearest living thing and kill it. Frylock : [after placing Carl's head on the machine] I give you the ultimate in military hardware! Complete with laser cannon, indestructible titanium exoskeleton, and motion activated plasma pulse rifles. Master Shake : And you're gonna plug him in? Frylock : You're right. Damn, what the hell was I thinking? Meatwad : Fudge. Frylock : That's not an F-bomb. Meatwad : Fudge you. Master Shake : Why does everything have to be a federal case with you? Master Shake : [emerges from Carl's pool and gasps for breath] Twenty seconds! It's a new world record! Inignot : [emerges from Carl's pool] Twenty-three seconds. Err : That is the new moon record! Inignot : Then it shall be so. Err : Now and forever. Master Shake : I haven't paid taxes in six years, and I'm not getting busted by a damn sandwich. Master Shake : [to Frylock] Look who just ruined Halloween... You know, you're like an A-Bomb. Everyone's laughin', havin' a good time, and then you show up. BOOM! Everything's dead. Master Shake : No! Let's get right down to it. What I say is very baffling. Frylock : That's not a toy! Master Shake : You say that about everything you own. You should own toys. They're fun. Master Shake : I'm not in the business of seeing whatever pleases you! Meatwad : Well I'm in business. [under his breath] Meatwad : Business of kicking your ass, and let me tell ya, business is booming. I'm open for business, business of giving you the business... up your butt. Meatwad : [Meatwad looks and sees Master Shake with a baseball bat] Did you hear me say that? Master Shake : Your looking to expand your business? Meatwad : [runs away] Business is closed! Shake : What the...? This closet used to be full of TVs! Meatwad : Cause you keep breaking them. Shake : Cause you keep pissing me off! Master Shake : [Telling Meatwad how to cross the street] Look, theres only one way to get across this street, you close your eyes and just waltz out there with complete disreguard for machine. Master Shake : Don't you touch those! They're in mint condition, and they're gonna stay that way! Meatwad : I'll touch 'em all the way to the trash can is what I'll do... Master Shake : You touch those and your G.I. Joes are gonna be M.I.A. my friend! and then who's gonna call Little Momma Joe, to tell her that her boy ain't coming home? Cause SOMEBODY was asleep on guard duty! Frylock : [after Shake has dug up half the yard] I told you, fourteen inches! Master Shake : You tell me a lot of things, but that doesn't mean I have to listen. Master Shake : I must say, bacon aside, this is the best damn sandwich I've ever eaten. Shake : Now why don't you go back in your house and shut up! [Carl's head explodes] Meatwad : Now why'd he do that? Shake : Why wouldn't he? Master Shake : You are the gayest monster since gay came to Gaytown. Meatwad : [concerning the fate of M.C. Peepants] Well, wherever he is... Master Shake : He's in Hell! Meatwad : Well, wherever THAT is... Master Shake : It's a fiery pit of unpleasantness in the center of the Earth... Meatwad : OK! Well wherever THAT is, and do not say anything... Master Shake : [referring to Happy Time Harry] Frylock, you stay away from that doll with the red shoes, if you know what's good for you. Cybernetic Ghost of Christmas Past from the Future: [referring to new neighbor, Glenn Danzig] I cannot live with that guy. He is so annoying, he is so frightening, and he doesn't wear a shirt. Master Shake : You make our house bleed, right now! Master Shake : You're about to not have a mouth! And I mean it! I'LL RIP IT OFF! Shake : That's a deep kiss too, like the Europeans. You know, the French, they have to unhinge their jaw to show love. Master Shake : Friends... relations... Whatever the hell Meatwad is... I've lived a full life. It's actually been pretty bitchin'. But now, regrettably, my life has been taken. Please bury me with all my stuff, because you know it's mine... Dearest Meatwad: Turn on that dumb game 'cause I'm gonna wail on you from the grave, baby! Suck it up, mutha! Missing you already, M.S. Oglethorpe : Imprison him within the laser rings! [Spinning laser rings drop from the ceiling and encircle Master Shake] Oglethorpe : You shall never move from that spot again, unless you like being cut in half! [Master Shake steps through the rings and answers the phone] Master Shake : [into phone] Y'ello. Oglethorpe : The laser rings! They do nothing! Master Shake : Look brother, these ain't nothing but disco lights. Emory : But the installer said that they were prison laser rings. Oglethorpe : Do not listen to him, for he is a witch! Master Shake : Look fellas, I gotta go. Oglethorpe : Oh, and leave before you take over our minds with some spell, witch? |
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