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 John Cleese Quotation"I think there's much more fear now than there used to be, much more fear of failure." (Speaking in 2001) "You go in and meet the head of BBC One and get an assurance about not dumbing down. And then, of course a few months later, he's been replaced by someone you haven't met." (Speaking in 2001) "It's lovely that Harry Potter and the Bond movies are still shot in England - that's a great pleasure, but it's true that most of the well-paid work is in America." "I never enjoyed The Meaning of Life. I always regarded that entire film as a bit of a cockup." "In Britain, girls seem to be either bright or attractive. In America, that's not the case. They're both." "At my age, I want to wake up and see sunshine pouring in through the windows every day." - about his move from England to California. "I'm probably the worst singer in Europe. I won't compete for North America." "When I was a child and I was upset about something, my mother was not capable of containing that emotion, of letting me be upset but reassuring me, of just being with me in a calming way. She always got in a flap, so I not only had my own baby panics, fears and terrors to deal with, but I had to cope with hers, too. Eventually I taught myself to remain calm when I was panicked, in order not to upset her. In a way, she had managed to put me in charge of her. At 18 months old, I was doing the parenting." "I find it rather easy to portray a businessman. Being bland, rather cruel and incompetent comes naturally to me." "My mum died about three years ago at the age of 101, and just towards the end, as she began to run out of energy, she did actually stop trying to tell me what to do most of the time." Movie Title: The Strange Case of the End of Civilization as We Know It (1977) as Arthur Sherlock Holmes: [Watson is reading clues from a crossword puzzle to Holmes] Dr. William Watson, M.D. : 1 Across. A simple source of citrus fruit, 1, 5, 4. Arthur Sherlock Holmes : A lemon tree, my dear Watson. [Elsewhere in the hotel, Moriarty shoots Sam Spade] Dr. William Watson, M.D. : 2 Down. Conservative pays ex-wife maintenance. 7, 5. Arthur Sherlock Holmes : Alimony...alimony Tory, my dear Watson. Arthur Sherlock Holmes : Never cease to astound me. [Moriarty takes a sword to Hercule Poirot] Dr. William Watson, M.D. : 2 Down. Southern California style. 1, 2, 8. Arthur Sherlock Holmes : A la Monterrey, my dear Watson. Dr. William Watson, M.D. : Really good, holmes. [Moriarty shoots M] Dr. William Watson, M.D. : 4 Down. Burglar's entrance Arthur Sherlock Holmes : Alarm entry, my dear Watson Dr. William Watson, M.D. : That's rather poor, isn't it, Holmes? Right. One to go. A kind of fish with a sting in its tail. Arthur Sherlock Holmes : Yellow manta ray, my dear Watson Dr. William Watson, M.D. : Brilliant, Holmes [Moriarty does in McCloud with an arrow] Movie Title: James Bond 007: Everything or Nothing (2004) as Q: Q : Ah, 007, we have some new equipment for you. Have you met my new assistant, Miss Nagai? Bond, James : I don't believe I've had the pleasure. Q : And you won't if I have any say in the matter. Q : Now, 007, do try to return this equipment in pristine condition. Bond, James : I'll do my best. Q : That's what I was afraid of. Movie Title: An American Tail: Fievel Goes West (1991) as Cat R. Waul: Miss Kitty : You put a mouse on that stage and your saloon's gonna be as empty as Death Valley on a cold day in June when the snow don't fall. Cat R. Waul : What? Movie Title: The Secret Policeman's Biggest Ball (1989) as Customer: [the Dead Parrot sketch] Pet Shop Owner : What's wrong with it? Customer : I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. It's dead. That's what's wrong with it! Pet Shop Owner : So it is. Well, there's your money back, and a couple of holiday vouchers! Thank you! Customer : Well you can't say Thatcher hasn't changed some things! Movie Title: The World Is Not Enough (1999) as R: [After Q introduces Bond to his successor] James Bond : If you're Q, does that make him R? R : Ah yes, the legendary 007 wit, or at least half of it. Movie Title: George of the Jungle (1997) as Ape: Ape : "All of George's secrets." There's the shortest book ever written. Max: Let's take care of him. George : Huh? [Max and Thor pick George up and ram head into cage] Ape : Why didn't you come sooner? George : Why Ape have little stars around head? [Max and Thor pull George out, tickles him, and rams head back in] Ape : George, remember everything I told you about Queensbury rules and fighting fair? George : Uh-huh. Ape : Well, now's a good time to forget it. Ursula's mother : Arthur, I wish you would do something about all these monkeys. I feel like Jane Goodall. Ape : Madam, I knew Jane Goodall and you are no Jane Goodall. Ape : George, what on earth are you doing? [George is wearing flower lei] George : George just feel like looking a little special today. That all Movie Title: George of the Jungle 2 (2003) as Ape: Ape : I'm happy to see you too. What are you doing here? George : George here to help. Tookie say Ape in trouble. Broke. Busted. No Benjamins. Ape : Broke? It's all a big misunderstanding. I'm perfectly fine. That's why I'm... giving away all my furniture. George : George happy Ape perfectly fine. Only wish George perfectly fine. Ape : What's the matter? George : Ursula think George spend too much time with animals. Animals think George spend too much time with Ursula. George so upset, think about taking off neck crown. Ape : George, I should've told you earlier, but I have some gambling debts that I have to pay off for a little while. George : How little? Ape : Seventeen years. George : George think maybe that might be too late. Narrator : Ferklempt at finally finding each other again, George and his brother Ape had a big, emotional reunion. George : Hi. Ape : Hello. Ape : Get her a nice present to help scratch it. [switch scenes] Ursula : A backscratcher. George : To help with itch. Ape : George, this is Rocky. He's very honored to meet you. Ursula : Why do they call him Rocky? [bell dings and Rocky punches George's face] Ape : Because when he gets nervous, he does that. George : [in between blows] George... honored... to... meet... Rocky... too. [Light shines on George, Ape, and Rocky] Kowalski : Going somewhere? Ape : Who are you? Xena, Princess of Vegas? Sally : We'll see how funny you are when you're stuck in our special cage at the Van de Groot Zoo. In case you've forgotten, you still owe us 17 years of employment. Kowalski : Get moving. Ape : I understand your concern, and if I return... uh, when I return, I will coordinate your schedule to the satisfaction of everyone. It's just a question of balance. George : George good at balance. See? [stands on one foot and trips over man carrying big box] George : George still worried about Ursula. She's lonely and she worried she not cook or clean as well as Ape. Ape : Well, she might have a point there Ape : [while surrounded on roof] I'm sorry, old chum. We did everything we could. [George looks around and sees rope ladder dropping from airplane] George : Aah! George have idea. Ape : [moans] Ape : I tell you George, it's good to be home. George : Maybe Tookie wrong, and Mean Lion not king. Jungle not look different. Narrator : Not different? Look at the signs, George! The signs! But George missed the signs, signs even an illiterate warthog would have noticed. Narrator : And they would've had their big, bonecrushing fight for the kingdom, had it not been for the secret trick Ape taught him when they were kids. George Jr : The ear, George! [George pulls lion's ear and lion falls] George Jr : Woah, cool. Ape : There, see? George : [sighs] George wish life always this easy. Movie Title: Starship Titanic (1998) as The Bomb: The Bomb : The ship is now armed and preparing to explode. This will be a fairly large explosion, so you'd best keep back about 22 miles. Movie Title: Fierce Creatures (1997) as Rollo Lee: Rollo Lee : Oh, great. Terrific. He decides to keep the zoo open so you kill him. Brilliant. Well done, thank you so much. Especially for shooting him right between the eyes so that it doesn't look like an accident... Because the people at Octopus will know that he was coming here to close us down so there's our motive for murdering him. Stunning. Well, Mr. Brain of Britain, what are we going to tell the police, who are of course already on there way here?... Another example of the thoroughness of your plan. [Bugsy stutters] Rollo Lee : Go on, I'm all ears, what do you suggest we do with the dead body of the incredibly famous man, who you have just... ASSASSINATED. [Bugsy stutters some more] Rollo Lee : Sorry, I didn't... quite catch it... What? What was that?... Pop him in the blender? Rollo Lee : It's an anteater, not a maneater. Sydney Lotterby : What would you be saying if it went over there, jumped into that pram? What would you be saying to the child's mother now? Rollo Lee : I'd be saying, "Madam, you are the victim of an 8 billion to one chance: a leaping anteater. An evolutionary mutant previously unknown to science." Rollo Lee : Mr. Sylvester Stallone didn't get where he is today by playing in Jane Austen. Rollo Lee : Is there a history of insanity in your family? Willa Weston : I love this zoo. Rollo Lee : I love zoo too. Rollo Lee : I think the whole Octopus philosophy is poison. The only aim of any and every McCain business is to downsize and halve the quality, to make enough money to acquire another business to downsize and halve the quality, to make enough money to acquire *another* business to downsize, etc., etc., without ever running a single one of them really well. And if anyone ever raises the question of quality, they're immediately attacked as an elitist, because at Octopus it's considered morally offensive to talk about anything but money. All so that Mr. Rod McCain can feel a little more powerful every day. That's why, instead of running this *wonderful* zoo - properly - we've got to spoil it in order to finance his next *mindless* acquisition. Willa Weston : Why do you work for us, Rollo? Rollo Lee : Cowardice? Rollo Lee : About some of these sponsorship ideas. Willa Weston : Mmm? Rollo Lee : I, I wonder if you and your fiancé don't, don't feel that... some, some of them are... Willa Weston : [interrupting] Fiancé? Vince? No, no. No, no, we're not together. Rollo Lee : Ohh, good. Willa Weston : "Good"? Rollo Lee : Good. - I mean, I know we're not making 20% yet, but, but some of the marketing devices are a bit... a bit... crude? Willa Weston : Yes. Rollo Lee : Good. Because, you know, the, the keepers and, um, and I were... Willa Weston : [looking into the lemur cage, while removing her jacket to expose a skimpy dress] Oh, look at that. *Aren't* they *gorgeous*? Oh, they just make you want to *fondle* them... Rollo Lee : Oh yes. Yes, yes, uh, yes, I see what you mean. Yes. Willa Weston : Is this one your favorite? Rollo Lee : Yes, yes, I like him breast of... uh, best, ahem, of all the... the small mammaries. Mammals. (Sorry.) Ahem. Yes, his, his name's, uh, Rollo, actually. Willa Weston : Really. Rollo Lee : Hm. Yes, so I, I sort of feed him some little special tits-bits. Tits. Tid, tid, sorry, tidbits. (Keep making boobs.) Anyway, he just... loves his nuts. Willa Weston : [slowly] Does he? Hmm. And is, uh, Rollo very sexually active? Rollo Lee : Well, he, he doesn't have a, a partner at the moment. You, you know, if he, if he had one... Willa Weston : One? Rollo Lee : Hm? Willa Weston : I mean, just one? He wouldn't get bored, or...? I mean... you had two... in your cage the other day. Rollo Lee : Oh, yes, huh. I mean, um, some of those, some of those sponsorship gimmicks are a bit sexcessive... exsexi... sexiss... Willa Weston : Excessive. Rollo Lee : That's it, sorry. Freudian slit. Slut. Slot. [Vince forgets the time zones when phoning England] Vince McCain : Oh, were you asleep? Rollo Lee : Uh, yes, I frequently am at 2 A.M., I'm afraid. Uh, filthy habit I picked up in the Far East. Vince McCain : Oh well, gee, look, if this communiqué is in any way, uh, sleep-interruptive, I'll, uh, re-telephone you later. [About the zoo's new owner] Rollo Lee : Starting with his father's radio stations in New Zealand, he has built up a global empire currently worth more than six billion dollars... and growing. Adrian "Bugsy" Malone : How much does he want in the end? Sydney Lotterby : Yeah. Rollo Lee : What? Adrian "Bugsy" Malone : How much bigger does he want to get? Rollo Lee : Well, there aren't any limits. He wants growth. Adrian "Bugsy" Malone : Presumably he's aware of Dr. E.F. Schumacher's concept of limited resources, or as Jean-Paul Sartre puts it... Rollo Lee : [interrupting] Any *sensible* questions? [Rollo is pushing a wheeled cage containing a lemur he's supposed to have shot] Vince McCain : What are you doing with that? Rollo Lee : Uh... oh, the lemur? Vince McCain : Yeah. Rollo Lee : Oh, just putting it back in its enclosure. Vince McCain : Why'd you take it out? Rollo Lee : Ahhhhh... for a walk... you know, exercise. Vince McCain : It can hardly move in there. Rollo Lee : Ah, no, no, the exercise is for me. Vince McCain : So what do you need that for? Rollo Lee : That's a good point, actually. Um, well, perhaps I won't bother in future. Thanks for the hint. [Turns to leave] Vince McCain : Hey, hey, hey, hey. Were you going to use that for target practice? Rollo Lee : Oh, no. Ha. Vince McCain : Or, uh, one of your orgies? [long pause] Rollo Lee : Orgies? Vince McCain : Yeah. I'm onto you. You were going to put that somewhere. You're sick. Movie Title: Splitting Heirs (1993) as Shadgrind: Shadgrind : So many of you orphans. Unwanted children all over the place. People were sex-mad in the 60s, seemed to do it just for fun... Weird. Movie Title: Yellowbeard (1983) as Harvey 'Blind' Pew / Harvey "Blind" Pew: Harvey "Blind" Pew : It sounded as though there was a bit of a squabble. Commander Clement : Squabble? They're all dead! Harvey "Blind" Pew : All? Must have been more of a tiff then. Harvey 'Blind' Pew : I may be blind, but I have acute 'earing. Commander Clement : I'm not interested in your jewellery. Movie Title: Silverado (1985) as Sheriff Langston: Emmett : Blind Pete always said you'd hang. I guess tomorrow at dawn he'll be proved right. Sheriff Langston : Ten A.M. Emmett : Oh, right, I always thought they did it at dawn. Sheriff Langston : What's all this then? Carter : This nigger came in here and started bustin' up my bar. Sheriff Langston : I don't like that word, Carter. Deputy: That them shootin'? Sheriff Langston : No, it's coming from those rocks. Deputy: Well, let's go. He ain't hittin' nothin'. Sheriff Langston : You idiot, he's hit everything he's aimed at! Deputy: Well, they ain't out of our jurisdiction 'til they reach the flattop. [Sheriff Langston's hat is shot off his head] Sheriff Langston : Today, my jurisdiction ends here. Pick up my hat. Jake : All I did was kiss a girl! Emmett : They got you in jail for that? Jake : Yeah, I kissed a girl, and this other fella didn't like it, so we had some words, and then I just walked out of there. You know me, Emmett, I don't want no trouble. So, I go outside, and this fellow tries to shoot me in the back. Emmett : You had to kill him? Jake : No, no, I winged him. And he dropped his gun. Emmett : They got you in jail for winging a guy? Jake : Well... no, not exactly. Because, see, then his friend opened up on me. Emmett : What friend is that? Jake : The one with the shotgun. Sheriff Langston : The DEAD one. Sheriff Langston : What's all this, then? Mal Johnson : I wanted a drink and a bed. I guess I came to the wrong place. Sheriff Langston : Came to the wrong town. I don't tolerate this sort of thing. It's hard on the peace, and it's hard on the furniture. Now, knowing a bit about Carter here, I'm going to let you go without paying for the damages, but go you will, and I mean now. Mal Johnson : Is there a place in town that takes "my kind?" Sheriff Langston : You misunderstand. I want you out of town. In fact, I want you all the way out of my jurisdiction. Mal Johnson : That ain't right. Sheriff Langston : I decide what's right in this jurisdiction. Now, move. Movie Title: The Adventures of Pluto Nash (2002) as James: Pluto Nash : What happened? James : Obviously, you did something stupid. Movie Title: The Jungle Book (1994) as Dr. Julien Plumford: [Dr.Plumford is teaching Mowgli how to read and count using a projector] Dr. Julien Plumford : Man woman woman one man two womam lucky man Movie Title: Die Another Day (2002) as Q: James Bond : You know, you're cleverer than you look. Q : Still, better than looking cleverer than you are. Q : I wish I could make you vanish. James Bond : You must be joking. Q : As I learned from my predecessor, Bond, I never joke about my work. Q : There's always an excuse, isn't there Double-0-Zero? Q : Yes. Well, it's called the future, so get used to it. Movie Title: Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone (2001) as Nearly Headless Nick: Nearly Headless Nick : Hello, how are you? Welcome to Gryffindor! Movie Title: Rat Race (2001) as Donald Sinclair: Donald Sinclair : Go! [After Sinclair has told them repeatedly to "go", to no avail] Merrill : So, when you say "go", you mean, just go? Donald Sinclair : Uh, begin, commence, start moving... theoretically you have been racing for about forty seconds now, and so far Mr. Schaffer is winning because he's nearest to the door. Donald Sinclair : I can do whatever I want. I'm eccentric. Grr! [Donald Sinclair welcomes all the people who are invited to compete in the "race."] Donald Sinclair : Excuse me. Thank you all for coming. I'm Donald Sinclair, I own this hotel. We don't have much time. There's a meteor the size of North Carolina heading straight for Earth. The impact is going to kill every thing and everyone on this planet. I built a bunker in the basement to this casino strong enough to withstand the blast. There's room enough for eight people. I have chosen the seven of you, plus me. When this is over, it'll be up to us to repopulate and re-civilize the planet. [Everyone looks shocked for about 5 seconds, before Sinclair begins laughing hysterically] Donald Sinclair : I couldn't resist! I'm sorry. Movie Title: Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975) as Black Knight / Tim the Enchanter / Sir Lancelot / Tim / Peasant 3 / Lancelot / Large Man with Dead Body / French Soldier: French Soldier : I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries. Sir Galahad : Is there someone else up there we could talk to? French Soldier : No, now go away before I taunt you a second time. Lancelot : We were in the nick of time. You were in great peril. Sir Galahad : I don't think I was. Lancelot : Yes, you were. You were in terrible peril. Sir Galahad : Look, let me go back in there and face the peril. Lancelot : No, it's too perilous. Sir Galahad : Look, it's my duty as a knight to sample as much peril as I can. Lancelot : No, we've got to find the Holy Grail. Come on. Sir Galahad : Oh, let me have just a little bit of peril? Lancelot : No. It's unhealthy. Sir Galahad : I bet you're gay. Lancelot : No, I'm not. Black Knight : Have at you. King Arthur : You are indeed brave, sir knight, but the fight is mine. Black Knight : Oh, had enough eh? King Arthur : Look, you stupid bastard. You've got no arms left. Black Knight : Yes I have. King Arthur : Look. Black Knight : Just a flesh wound. Sir Bedevere : What makes you think she's a witch? Peasant 3 : Well she turned me into a newt. Sir Bedevere : A newt? Peasant 3 : ...I got better. Crowd: BURN HER ANYWAY. Large Man with Dead Body : Who's that then? The Dead Collector : I dunno, must be a king. Large Man with Dead Body : Why? The Dead Collector : He hasn't got shit all over him. French Soldier : You don't frighten us, English pig dogs. Go and boil your bottoms, you sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called "Arthur King," you and all your silly English K-nig-hts. Lancelot : Look, my liege. [trumpets] King Arthur : Camelot. Sir Galahad : Camelot. Lancelot : Camelot. Patsy : It's only a model. King Arthur : Shh. Bridgekeeper : Stop. Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see. Sir Lancelot : Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I am not afraid. Bridgekeeper : What... is your name? Sir Lancelot : My name is Sir Lancelot of Camelot. Bridgekeeper : What... is your quest? Sir Lancelot : To seek the Holy Grail. Bridgekeeper : What... is your favourite colour? Sir Lancelot : Blue. Bridgekeeper : Go on. Off you go. Sir Lancelot : Oh, thank you. Thank you very much. Sir Robin : That's easy. Bridgekeeper : Stop. Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see. Sir Robin : Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I'm not afraid. Bridgekeeper : What... is your name? Sir Robin : Sir Robin of Camelot. Bridgekeeper : What... is your quest? Sir Robin : To seek the Holy Grail. Bridgekeeper : What... is the capital of Assyria? [pause] Sir Robin : I don't know that. [he is thrown over the edge into the volcano] Sir Robin : Auuuuuuuugh. Bridgekeeper : Stop. What... is your name? Galahad : Sir Galahad of Camelot. Bridgekeeper : What... is your quest? Galahad : I seek the Grail. Bridgekeeper : What... is your favourite colour? Galahad : Blue. No, yel... [he is also thrown over the edge] Galahad : auuuuuuuugh. Bridgekeeper : Hee hee heh. Stop. What... is your name? King Arthur : It is 'Arthur', King of the Britons. Bridgekeeper : What... is your quest? King Arthur : To seek the Holy Grail. Bridgekeeper : What... is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow? King Arthur : What do you mean? An African or European swallow? Bridgekeeper : Huh? I... I don't know that. [he is thrown over] Bridgekeeper : Auuuuuuuugh. Sir Bedevere : How do know so much about swallows? King Arthur : Well, you have to know these things when you're a king, you know. [The Black Knight continues to threaten Arthur despite getting both his arms and one of his legs cut off] Black Knight : Right, I'll do you for that! King Arthur : You'll what? Black Knight : Come here! King Arthur : What are you gonna do, bleed on me? Black Knight : I'm invincible! King Arthur : ...You're a loony. Tim : Follow. But. Follow only if ye be men of valour, for the entrance to this cave is guarded by a creature so foul, so cruel that no man yet has fought with it and lived. Bones of full fifty men lie strewn about its lair. So, brave knights, if you do doubt your courage or your strength, come no further, for death awaits you all with nasty, big, pointy teeth. King Arthur : What an eccentric performance. [Holding the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch] King Arthur : How does it... um... how does it work? Lancelot : I know not, my liege. King Arthur : Consult the Book of Armaments. Brother Maynard : Armaments, chapter two, verses nine through twenty-one. Cleric : [reading] And Saint Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, "O Lord, bless this thy hand grenade, that with it thou mayst blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy." And the Lord did grin. And the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths, and carp and anchovies, and orangutans and breakfast cereals, and fruit-bats and large chu... Brother Maynard : Skip a bit, Brother... Cleric : And the Lord spake, saying, "First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it. Brother Maynard : Amen. All : Amen. King Arthur : Right. One... two... five. Galahad : Three, sir. King Arthur : Three. The Dead Collector : Bring out yer dead. [A man puts a body on the cart] Large Man with Dead Body : Here's one. The Dead Collector : That'll be ninepence. The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't : I'm not dead. The Dead Collector : What? Large Man with Dead Body : Nothing. There's your ninepence. The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't : I'm not dead. The Dead Collector : 'Ere, he says he's not dead. Large Man with Dead Body : Yes he is. The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't : I'm not. The Dead Collector : He isn't. Large Man with Dead Body : Well, he will be soon, he's very ill. The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't : I'm getting better. Large Man with Dead Body : No you're not, you'll be stone dead in a moment. The Dead Collector : Well, I can't take him like that. It's against regulations. The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't : I don't want to go on the cart. Large Man with Dead Body : Oh, don't be such a baby. The Dead Collector : I can't take him. The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't : I feel fine. Large Man with Dead Body : Oh, do me a favor. The Dead Collector : I can't. Large Man with Dead Body : Well, can you hang around for a couple of minutes? He won't be long. The Dead Collector : I promised I'd be at the Robinsons'. They've lost nine today. Large Man with Dead Body : Well, when's your next round? The Dead Collector : Thursday. The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't : I think I'll go for a walk. Large Man with Dead Body : You're not fooling anyone, you know. Isn't there anything you could do? The Dead Body That Claims It Isn't : I feel happy. I feel happy. [The Dead Collector glances up and down the street furtively, then silences the Body with his a whack of his club] Large Man with Dead Body : Ah, thank you very much. The Dead Collector : Not at all. See you on Thursday. Large Man with Dead Body : Right. King Arthur : Can we come up and have a look? French Soldier : Of course not. You're English types. King Arthur : What are you then? French Soldier : I'm French. Why do you think I have this outrageous accent, you silly king? Sir Galahad : What are you doing in England? French Soldier : Mind your own business. King of Swamp Castle : You only killed the bride's father, you know. Sir Lancelot : Well, I didn't mean to. King of Swamp Castle : Didn't mean to? You put your sword right through his head. Sir Lancelot : Oh dear... is he all right? Sir Bedevere : There are ways of telling whether she is a witch. Peasant 1 : Are there? Oh well, tell us. Sir Bedevere : Tell me. What do you do with witches? Peasant 1 : Burn them. Sir Bedevere : And what do you burn, apart from witches? Peasant 1 : More witches. Peasant 2 : Wood. Sir Bedevere : Good. Now, why do witches burn? Peasant 3 : ...because they're made of... wood? Sir Bedevere : Good. So how do you tell whether she is made of wood? Peasant 1 : Build a bridge out of her. Sir Bedevere : But can you not also build bridges out of stone? Peasant 1 : Oh yeah. Sir Bedevere : Does wood sink in water? Peasant 1 : No, no, it floats!... It floats! Throw her into the pond! Sir Bedevere : No, no. What else floats in water? Peasant 1 : Bread. Peasant 2 : Apples. Peasant 3 : Very small rocks. Peasant 1 : Cider. Peasant 2 : Gravy. Peasant 3 : Cherries. Peasant 1 : Mud. Peasant 2 : Churches. Peasant 3 : Lead! Lead! King Arthur : A Duck. Sir Bedevere : ...Exactly. So, logically... Peasant 1 : If she weighed the same as a duck... she's made of wood. Sir Bedevere : And therefore... Peasant 2 : ...A witch! [After slicing one of the Black Knight's arms off] King Arthur : Now stand aside. Black Knight : 'Tis but a scratch. King Arthur : A scratch? Your arm's off. Black Knight : No it isn't. King Arthur : Then what's that? Black Knight : [after a pause] I've had worse. King Arthur : You liar. Black Knight : Come on ya pansy. Dingo : [to camera] Do you think this scene should have been cut? We were so worried when the boys were writing it, but now we're glad. It's better than some of the previous scenes, I think. Left Head : At least ours was better visually. Dennis : At least ours was committed. It wasn't just a string of pussy jokes. Old Man : Oh, get on with it. Tim the Enchanter : Yes, get on with it. Army: Yeah, get on with it. Dingo : Oh, I am enjoying this scene. God : GET ON WITH IT. [King Arthur has just cut the Black Knight's last leg off] Black Knight : All right, we'll call it a draw. King Arthur : [Preparing to leave] Come, Patsy. [King Arthur and Patsy ride off] Black Knight : [calling after King Arthur] Oh, I see. Running away, eh? You yellow bastard. Come back here and take what's coming to you. I'll bite your legs off. King Arthur : Who are you who can summon fire without flint or tinder? Tim : There are some who call me... Tim. Tim the Enchanter : There he is! King Arthur : Where? Tim the Enchanter : There! King Arthur : What? Behind the rabbit? Tim the Enchanter : It IS the rabbit! King Arthur : You silly sod! Tim the Enchanter : What? King Arthur : You got us all worked up! Tim the Enchanter : Well, that's no ordinary rabbit. King Arthur : Ohh. Tim the Enchanter : That's the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on! Sir Robin : You tit! I soiled my armor I was so scared! Tim the Enchanter : Look, that rabbit's got a vicious streak a mile wide! It's a killer! Sir Galahad : Get stuffed! Tim the Enchanter : He'll do you up a treat, mate. Sir Galahad : Oh yeah? Sir Robin : You mangy Scots git! Tim the Enchanter : I'm warning you! Sir Robin : What's he do? Nibble your bum? Tim the Enchanter : He's got huge, sharp-- eh-- he can leap about-- look at the bones! King Arthur : Go on, Bors. Chop his head off! Bors: Right! Silly little bleeder. One rabbit stew comin' right up! [after Bors is killed by the killer rabbit] Tim the Enchanter : I WARNED you, but did you listen to me? Oh, no, you know, didn't you? Oh, it's just a harmless little BUNNY, isn't it? Movie Title: Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle (2003) as Mr. Munday: Mr. Munday : So, you work with Alex at the hospital? Alex Munday : Yes! Natalie works in the Psychiatric Ward. And Dylan is the Head of... Gynecology. Mr. Munday : Really? Dylan Sanders : Um-hmm. Mr. Munday : So young. Dylan Sanders : I know. Alex Munday : We were just on our way out, actually, 'cause we have such a major procedure coming up, Daddy, so... Natalie Cook : Duty calls. Sorry. Dylan Sanders : I've gotta... prep. Natalie Cook : Yeah... scrub up. Ha ha. Mr. Munday : Bu- bye. [Natalie and Dylan say "Bye" together] Mr. Munday : Bye. Alex Munday : See you guys in a minute. It's just a tiny emergency, but make yourself at home, okay. [Kisses him on the cheek] Mr. Munday : We'll talk later, off to the hospital, go save lives. Movie Title: Monty Python's Flying Circus (1969) as Prosecuting Counsel / Alan / Narrator / Inspector Tiger / Tick / Dr. Gumby / Merchant Banker / Lady Friend / Roger Last / Mr. Praline / Mr Mousebender / Mrs. Premise / Miss Anne Elk / Inspector Praline / Voice Over / Announcer / Fourth Bruce / Fourth Writer / Lord Kinwoodie / Mr. Vibrating / Cutler: Announcer : And now for the stock market report by Exchange Telegraph. Reporter: Trading was crisp at the start of the day, with some brisk business on the floor. Rubber hardened and string remained confident. Little bits of tin consolidated, although biscuits sank after an early gain and stools remained anonymous. Armpits rallied well after a poor start. Nipples rose dramatically during the morning but had declined by mid afternoon, while teeth clenched and buttocks remained firm. Small dark furry things increased severely on the floor, whilst rude jellies wobbled up and down and bounced against rising thighs which had spread to all parts of the country by mid afternoon. After lunch, naughty things dipped sharply, forcing giblets upwards with the nicky nacky noo. Ting tang tong rankled dithely, little tipples pooped and poppy things went pong. Gibble gabble gobble went the rickety rackety roo... Inspector Tiger : Now, alduce me to introlow myself. I'm sorry. Alself me to myduce introlow. Introme tolose mylow alself. Alme to you introself mylowduce. Excuse me a moment. [bangs himself on the head] Inspector Tiger : Allow me to introduce myself. I'm afried I must ask that no-one leave the room. Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Inspector Tiger. All: Tiger? Inspector Tiger : [jumps] Where? Where? What? Ah. Me Tiger. You Jane. [growl] Inspector Tiger : Beg your pardon, allow me to introduce myself, I'm afraid I must ask that no-one leave the room. Lady Velloper : Why not? Inspector Tiger : Elementary. Since the body was found in this room, and no-one has left it. Therefore... the murderer must be somebody in this room. Colonel Pickering : What body? Inspector Tiger : Somebody. In this room. Must the murderer be. The murderer of the body is somebody in this room, which nobody must leave... leave the body in the room not to be left by anybody. Nobody leaves anybody or the body with somebody. Everybody who is anybody shall leave the body in the roombody. Take the tablets Tiger. Anybody with a body but not the body is nobody. Nobody leaves the body in the... [takes a tablet] Inspector Tiger : Albody me introbody albodyduce. [a surgeon and two nurses enter with saws and lay Tiger down on the table. The same drawing room, one lobotomy later, Tiger's head is bandaged] Surgeon: Now for Sir Gerald. [exit] Inspector Tiger : That's better. Now I'm Inspector Tiger and I must ask that nobody leave the room. [gives thumbs up to the surgeon] Inspector Tiger : Now someone has committed a murder here, and that murderer is someone in this room. The question is... who? Colonel Pickering : Look, there hasn't been a murder. Inspector Tiger : No murder? All: No. Inspector Tiger : Oh, I don't like it. It's too simple, too clear cut. I'd better wait. [sits] Inspector Tiger : No, too simple, too clear cut. [lights out, a scream, and a shot. Tiger is dead with a poison bottle in his hand, an arrow through his neck, and a bullet in his head] Colonel Pickering : By jove, he was right! Toastmaster : Gentlemen, pray silence for the President of the Royal Society for Putting Things on Top of Other Things. Sir William : Thank you, gentlemen. The year has been a good one for the society. This year, our members have put more things on top of other things than ever before. But I should warn you, this is no time for complacency. No, there are still many things, and I cannot emphasize this too strongly, *not on top of other things.* I myself, on my way here, saw a thing that was not on top of another thing in any way. [cries of 'shame!'] Sir William : Shame indeed. But we must not allow ourselves to become too despondent. For we must never forget that if there was not one thing that was not on top of another thing, our society would be nothing more than a meaningless body of men that had gathered together for no good purpose. But we flourish. This year our Australasian members and the various organisations affiliated to our Australasian branches put no fewer than twenty-two things on top of other things. [applause] Sir William : Well done all of you. But there is one cloud on the horizon. In this last year our Staffordshire branch has not succeeded in putting one thing on top of another. [more cries of 'shame!] Sir William : Therefore I call upon our Staffordshire delegate to explain this weird behaviour. Cutler : [timidly] Er, Cutler, Staffordshire. Um... well... Mr Chairman, it's just that most of the members in Staffordshire feel... the whole thing's a bit... silly. [cries of outrage] Sir William : Silly? SILLY? [pauses and thinks] Sir William : Silly! I suppose it is, a bit. What have we been doing wasting our lives with all this nonsense? Right, meeting adjourned for ever. Man : Look, this isn't an argument. Mr. Vibrating : Yes it is. Man : No it isn't, it's just contradiction. Mr. Vibrating : No it isn't. Man : It is. Mr. Vibrating : It is not. Man : Look, you contradicted me. Mr. Vibrating : I did not. Man : Oh you did. Mr. Vibrating : No, no, no. Man : You did just then. Mr. Vibrating : Nonsense. Man : Oh, this is futile. Mr. Vibrating : No it isn't. Man : I came here for a good argument. Mr. Vibrating : No, you didn't. No, you came here for an argument. Man : An argument isn't just contradiction. Mr. Vibrating : It can be. Man : An argument is a connected series of statements intended to establish a proposition. Mr. Vibrating : No it isn't. Man : Yes it is. It's not just contradiction. Mr. Vibrating : Look, if I argue with you, I must take up a contrary position. Man : But that's not just saying, "No it isn't." Mr. Vibrating : Yes it is. Man : No it isn't. An argument is an intellectual process. Contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying of any statement the other person makes. Mr. Vibrating : No it isn't. Man : Yes it is. Mr. Vibrating : Not at all. Man : Now look... Mr. Vibrating : [bell rings] Good morning. Man : What? Mr. Vibrating : That's it. Good morning. Man : It was just getting interesting. Mr. Vibrating : Sorry, the five minutes is up. Man : That was never five minutes. 'Thrust' Presenter : Good evening. I have with me tonight Anne Elk. Mrs. Anne Elk. Miss Anne Elk : Miss. 'Thrust' Presenter : You say you have a new theory about the brontosaurus Miss Anne Elk : Can I just say here Chris for one moment that I have a new theory about the brontosaurus. 'Thrust' Presenter : Exactly. [long pause] 'Thrust' Presenter : Well, what is it? Miss Anne Elk : [looks around, concerned] Where? 'Thrust' Presenter : No, no, your new theory. Miss Anne Elk : Oh, what is my theory? 'Thrust' Presenter : Yes. Miss Anne Elk : Oh, what is my theory that it is. Well, Chris, you may well ask me what is my theory. 'Thrust' Presenter : I am asking. Miss Anne Elk : Good for you. My word yes. Well, Chris, what it is that it is - this theory of mine. Well, this is what it is - my theory that I have, that is to say, which is mine, is mine. 'Thrust' Presenter : Yes, I know it's yours, what is it? Miss Anne Elk : [looks round again] Where? Oh, what is my theory? This is it. [clears her throat at length] Miss Anne Elk : My theory that belongs to me is as follows. [clears her throat very noisily and violently] Miss Anne Elk : This is how it goes. The next thing I'm going to say is my theory. Ready? 'Thrust' Presenter : [exasperated] Yes. Miss Anne Elk : My theory by A. Elk, brackets, Miss, brackets. This theory goes as follows and begins now. All brontosauruses are thin at one end, much much thicker in the middle, and the thin again at the far end. That is my theory, it is mine, and it belongs to me, and I own it, and what ist is, too. 'Thrust' Presenter : That's it, is it? Miss Anne Elk : Spot on, Chris. 'Thrust' Presenter : Well, uh, this theory of yours appears to have hit the nail on the head. Miss Anne Elk : And it's mine. [Erik Njorl, son of Frothgar, has just been sworn in] Superintendent : You are hereby charged: one, that you did, on or about 1126, conspire to publicise a London Borough in the course of a BBC saga; two, that you were wilfully and persistently a foreigner; three, that you conspired to do things not normally considered illegal; four, that you were caught in possession of an offensive weapon, viz., the big brown table down at the police station... Judge : The big brown table down at the police station? Superintendent : It's the best we could find, m'lud... and five, all together now... All: Assaulting a police officer! Prosecuting Counsel : Call Police Constable Pan-Am. [Pan-Am enters, randomly beating people with his truncheon] Prosecuting Counsel : Into the witness box, Constable, there'll be plenty of time for that later on. Now, you are Police Constable Pan-Am? Police Constable Pan-Am : No! I shall deny that to the last breath in my body! [superintendent gestures to him] Police Constable Pan-Am : Oh, sorry! Yes. Prosecuting Counsel : Police Constable, do you recognize the defendant? Police Constable Pan-Am : No. Never seen him before in my life. [superintendent gestures again] Police Constable Pan-Am : Oh, yes, yes, he's the one. He done it. I'd recognize him anywhere! Sorry, super. Prosecuting Counsel : Constable, will you please tell the court in your own words what happened. Police Constable Pan-Am : Oh yes! [refers to a notebook] Police Constable Pan-Am : I was proceeding in a northerly direction up Alitalia Street when I saw the deceased [indicates Erik] Police Constable Pan-Am : standing at an upstairs window, baring her bosom at the general public. She then took off her - wait a tick. Wrong story. [leafs through notebook] Police Constable Pan-Am : Oh yes. There were three nuns in a railway station and the ticket inspector says to one of them - [superintendent gestures] Police Constable Pan-Am : No... anyway, I clearly saw the deceased... Clerk: Defendant. Police Constable Pan-Am : Defendant! Sorry. Sorry, super. I clearly saw the defendant... doing whatever he's accused of. Red handed! When kicked - cautioned, he said, [as if reading line by line] Police Constable Pan-Am : 'It's a fair. Cop I done it all. Right no doubt about. That.' Then, bound as he was to the chair, he assaulted myself and three other officers while bouncing around the cell. The end. [applause and cheering] Mr. Mann : [in a recording studio] Well, then, what sort of thing were you looking for? Tick : Well, er, really something to make me feel a little less insignificant. Mr. Mann : Oh, I see, sort of "Now look here! You may be Chairman but your bloody pusillanimous behaviour makes me vomit!" That sort of thing? Tick : Oh, no, no, no, not really, no. Mr. Mann : Oh, I see, well perhaps something a bit more sort of Clive Jenkins-ish? [Welsh accent] Mr. Mann : "Mr. Smarmy So-Called Harold Wilson can call himself pragmatic until he's blue in the breasts!" Tick : Oh no, I really want something that will make people be attracted to me like a magnet. Mr. Mann : I see, well, you want our "Life and Soul of the Party" tape then, I think. Tick : What's that? Mr. Mann : Well it's sort of "'Ello squire, haven't seen you for a bit, haven't seen you for a bit either, Beryl. Two pints of wallop please, love. Still driving the Jensen then? Cheer up Jack it may never happen. What's your poison then?'" Tick : Fantastic, yes. Mr. Mann : Right, I'll just see if we've got the tape. Fourth Bruce : Michael Baldwin, this is Bruce. Michael Balwin, this is Bruce. And Michael Baldwin, this is Bruce. First Bruce : Is your name not Bruce, then? Michael Balwin : No, it's Michael. Second Bruce : That's gonna cause a little confusion. Third Bruce : Yeah. Mind of we call you Bruce, just to keep it clear? Larry Saltzberg : Now boys, here's my idea. Third Writer : It's great! Larry Saltzberg : You like it, huh? Others: Great, really great! etc. Larry Saltzberg : Do *you* like it? First Writer : Yeah! Uh... yeah. Larry Saltzberg : What do you like best about it? First Writer : Er, well, you haven't told us... what it is yet... Larry Saltzberg : WHAT? First Writer : I like what he likes. Larry Saltzberg : What do you like? Second Writer : I like what he likes. Third Writer : I like what he likes. Fourth Writer : I like what he likes. Fifth Writer : I'm just crazy about what he likes. Larry Saltzberg : What do you like? Sixth Writer : Uh... I... I agree with them. Larry Saltzberg : Good. Now we're getting somewhere. Announcer : And now a precision display of bad temper. [Soldiers all yell in unison] Soldiers: My goodness me! I am in a bad temper today, two three! Damn damn, two three! I am vexed and ratty, two three! And hopping mad! [Soldiers stamp feet on ground angrily] Announcer : And now, the men of the Second Armored Division with their famous close order swanning about. Sergeant: Squad... CAMP it UP! [Soldiers all chant in unison while mincing] Soldiers: Ooh get her! Whoops, I've got your number ducky, you couldn't afford me dear, two three. I'll scratch your eyes out! Don't come the Brigadier bit with us dear, we all know where you've been, you military fairy. Two, three, one, two, three, four, five, six. Whoops! Don't look now girls, the man has just minced in with that jolly colour Sergeant, two three. OOOOH! Announcer : And now for something completely different. Mr. Vibrating : Look, if I argue with you, I must take up a contrary position. Man : Yes, but that's not just saying "No it isn't." Mr. Vibrating : Yes it is! Man : No it isn't! Fourth Bruce : Well, gentlemen, I'll just remind you of the faculty rules. Rule one: No pooftahs. Rule two: No member of the faculty is to maltreat the Abbos in any way whatsoever, if there's anyone watching. Rule three: No pooftahs. Rule four: I don't want to catch anyone not drinking in their rooms after lights out. Rule five: No pooftahs. Rule six: There is NO rule six. Rule seven: No pooftahs. Mrs. Premise : I just spent four hours burying the cat. Mrs. Conclusion : *Four hours* to bury a cat? Mrs. Premise : Yes - it wouldn't keep still. Mr Mousebender : And I thought to myself, "A little fermented curd will do the trick," so, I curtailed my Walpoling activities, sallied forth, and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some cheesy comestibles. Henry Wenslydale : Come again? Mr Mousebender : I want to buy some cheese. Henry Wenslydale : Oh, I thought you were complaining about the bouzouki player. Mr Mousebender : Certainly not. I am one who delights in all manifestations of the Terpsichorean muse. Henry Wenslydale : Sorry? Mr Mousebender : Ooh, I like a nice dance - you're forced to. Mr. Praline : 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This parrot is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisible! THIS IS AN EX-PARROT! Voice Over : Mr. Ken Andrews, of Leighton Road, Slough has concealed himself extremely well. He could be almost anywhere. He could be behind the wall, inside the water barrel, beneath a pile of leaves, up in the tree, squatting down behind the car, concealed in a hollow, or crouched behind any one of a hundred bushes. However we happen to know he's in the water barrel. [The water barrel explodes] Voice Over : Dear Sir, I am glad to hear that your studio audience disapproves of the last skit as strongly as I. As a naval officer I abhor the implication that the Royal Navy is a haven for cannibalism. It is well known that we now have the problem relatively under control, and that it is the RAF who now suffer the largest casualties in this area. And what do you think the Argylls ate in Aden. Arabs? Yours etc. Captain B.J. Smethwick in a white wine sauce with shallots, mushrooms and garlic. [Interview with a lady friend of the notorious Dinsdale Piranha] Interviewer : Was there anything unusual about Dinsdale? Lady Friend : I should say not! Dinsdale was a perfectly normal person in every way. Except inasmuch as he was convinced that he was being watched by a giant hedgehog he referred to as Spiny Norman. [Later] Lady Friend : Lately, Dinsdale had become increasingly worried about Spiny Norman. He had come to the conclusion that Norman slept in an aeroplane hangar at Luton Airport. Host : And so, on February the 22nd, 1966, at Luton Airport... [Footage of a mushroom cloud] Host : Even the police began to sit up and take notice. Voice Over : Dear David Jacobs, East Grinstead, Friday. Why should I have to pay 64 guineas each year for my television licence when I can buy one for six? Yours sincerely, Captain R.H. Pretty. P.S. Support Rhodesia, cut motor taxes, save the Argylls, running-in please pass. Mr. Praline : Excuse me, I would like to buy a fish licence, please. [the attendant indicates the next grille; to camera] Mr. Praline : The man's sign is incorrect. I have in the past noticed a marked discrepancy between these post office signs and the activities carried on beneath. But soft. let us see how Dame Fortune smiles upon my next postal adventure. [a letter following a British Navy presentation by pepperpots] Voice Over : As an admiral who came up through the ranks more times than you've had hot dinners, I wish to join my husband O.W.A. Giveaway in condemning this shoddy misrepresentation of our modern navy. The British Navy is one of the finest and most attractive and butchest fighting forces in the world. I love those white flared trousers and the feel of rough blue serge on those pert little buttocks... Presenter : I'm afraid we are unable to show you any more of that letter. Merchant Banker : [on phone] Hello? Ah, Mr. Victim, yes, I'm glad to say I've got the go-ahead to lend you the money you require, yes. Uh, we will, of course, need as security the deeds to your house, of your aunt's house, of your second cousin's house, of your wife's parents' house, and of your granny's bungalow - and we will, in addition, need a controlling interest in your new company, uh, unrestricted access to your private bank account, the deposit into our vaults of your three children as hostages, and a full legal indemnity against any acts of embezzlement carried out by any members of our staff during the normal course of their duties. Narrator : It was a day like many another, and Mr. and Mrs. Samuel Brainsample were a perfectly ordinary couple leading perfectly ordinary lives. The sort of people to whom nothing extraordinary ever happened - and not the kind of people to be the center of one of the most astounding incidents in the history of mankind... So let's forget about them and follow instead the destiny of this man... Mr. Vibrating : Come in. Man : Um, is this the right room for an argument? Mr. Vibrating : I've told you once. Man : No you haven't. Mr. Vibrating : Yes I have. Man : When? Mr. Vibrating : Just now. Man : No you didn't. Mr. Vibrating : I did. Man : Didn't. Mr. Vibrating : Did. Man : Didn't. Mr. Vibrating : I'm telling you I did. Man : You did not. Mr. Vibrating : Oh I'm sorry, just one moment. Is this a five minute argument or the full half hour? Man : Oh, just the five minutes. Mr. Vibrating : Ah, thank you. Anyway I did. Man : You most certainly did not. Mr. Vibrating : Look, let's get this thing quite clear. I most definitely told you. Inspector Praline : Mr. Milton, you are sole proprietor and owner of the Whizzo Chocolate Company? Mr. Milton : I am. Inspector Praline : Superintendent Parrot and I are from the hygiene squad. We want to have a word with you about your box of chocolates entitled the "Whizzo Quality Assortment." Mr. Milton : Ah, yes. Inspector Praline : If I may begin at the beginning. First there is the "Cherry Fondue." This is extremely nasty, but we can't prosecute you for that. Mr. Milton : Agreed. Inspector Praline : Next, we have number four - "Crunchy Frog." Mr. Milton : Ah, yes. Inspector Praline : Am I right in thinking there's a real frog in here? Mr. Milton : Yes, a little one. Inspector Praline : What sort of frog? Mr. Milton : A dead frog. Announcer : [reading] ... and shove them off the face of the earth - [yelling] Announcer : Mash the dirty red scum! Kick 'em in the teeth where it hurts! Kill! Kill! Kill! Filthy bastards! Commies! I hate 'em, I hate 'em! Aaaah! Aaaah! Female voice offstage: Tea is ready! Announcer : Coming, dear! [BBC rolling globe logo on screen] Announcer : And now... one more minute of "Monty Python's Flying Circus". [BBC rolling globe logo continues for 60 seconds in silence] T.F. Gumby : Doctor? Doctor? DOCTOR! [he bangs on a bell violently, eventually smashing it, as well as the desk and everything on it] T.F. Gumby : DOCTOR! DOCTOR! DOCTOR! Dr. Gumby : [enter Dr. Gumby] Hello! T.F. Gumby : Are you the brain specialist? Dr. Gumby : [thinks for a moment] Hello! T.F. Gumby : Are you the brain specialist? Dr. Gumby : No. No, I am not the brain specialist. No I am not. Yes! Yes I am! T.F. Gumby : My brain hurts! Dr. Gumby : Well, let's take a look at it, Mr. Gumby. [begins to lift Gumby's sweater] T.F. Gumby : No, no, no, my brain in my head. Dr. Gumby : [thumps him on the head] It will have to come out. T.F. Gumby : What? Out of my head? Dr. Gumby : Yes. All the bits of it. Man : That was not five minutes just now. Mr. Vibrating : I told you I'm not allowed to argue with you unless you've paid. Man : I just paid. Mr. Vibrating : No you haven't. Man : Yes I have. Mr. Vibrating : No you haven't. Man : Look, I don't want to argue about this. Mr. Vibrating : Well you didn't pay. Man : Aha! If I didn't pay, why are you arguing?See, I've got you. Mr. Vibrating : Not necessarily. I could be arguing in my spare time. Man : I've had enough of this. Mr. Vibrating : No you haven't. Alan : Well last week, we showed you how to become a gynaecologist. And this week on "How to Do It" we're going to show you how to play the flute, how to split an atom, how to construct a box girder bridge, how to irrigate the Sahara Desert and make vast new areas of land cultivatable, but first, here's Jackie to tell you all how to rid the world of all known diseases. Jackie : Hello, Alan. Alan : Hello, Jackie. Jackie : Well, first of all, become a doctor and discover a marvellous cure for something, and then, when the medical profession really starts to take notice of you, you can jolly well tell them what to do and make sure they get everything right so there'll never be any diseases ever again. Alan : Thanks, Jackie, great idea. How to play the flute. [produces a flute] Alan : Well here we are. You blow there and you move your fingers up and down here. Noel : Great, great, Alan. Well, next week we'll be showing you how black and white people can live together in peace and harmony, and Alan will be over in Moscow showing us how to reconcile the Russians and the Chinese. So until next week, cheerio! All: Bye! Inspector Tiger : This house is surrounded. I'm afraid I must not ask anyone to leave the room. [pause] Inspector Tiger : No, I must ask nobody... no, I must ask everybody... I must not ask anyone to leave the room. No one must be asked by me to leave the room. No, no one must ask the room to leave I. I ask the room, shall by someone be left, not. Ask nobody the room somebody leave shall I. Shall I leave the room? Everyone must leave the room... as it is... with them in it. Understand? Ludovic : ['The Great Debate Number 31: TV4 Or Not TV4?'] Hello. Should there be another television channel or not? On tonight's programme, the Minister for Broadcasting, The Right Honourable Mr Ian Throat MP. Mr Ian Throat : Good evening. Ludovic : The chairman of the Amalgamated Money TV, Sir Abe Sappenheim. Sir Abe Sappenheim : Good evening. Ludovic : The Shadow Spokesman for Television, Lord Kinwoodie. Lord Kinwoodie : Hello. Ludovic : And a television critic, Mr Patrick Loone. Mr Patrick Loone : Hello. Ludovic : Gentlemen, should there be a fourth television channel or not? Ian? Mr Ian Throat : Yes. Ludovic : Francis? Lord Kinwoodie : No. Ludovic : Sir Abe? Sir Abe Sappenheim : Yes. Ludovic : Patrick? Mr Patrick Loone : No. Ludovic : Well there you have it, two say will, two say won't. We'll be back again next week, and next week's 'Great Debate' will be about government interference in broadcasting and will be cancelled mysteriously. Mr Mousebender : Tell me, have you in fact got any cheese here at all? Henry Wenslydale : Yes, sir. Mr Mousebender : Really? Henry Wenslydale : No, not really, sir. Not a scrap. I was deliberately wasting your time, sir. Mr Mousebender : Well I'm sorry but I'm afraid I'm going to have to shoot you. Henry Wenslydale : Right-o then. [Mousebender draws a gun and shoots Wenslydale dead] Mr Mousebender : What a senseless waste of human life. Roger Last : [chat show set with three guests slumped in their seats] Good evening. Tonight on "Is There?" we examine the question of life after death. And here to discuss it are three dead people. The late Sir Brian Hardacre, former curator of the Imperial War Museum; the late Professor Thynne, until recently an academic, critic, and broadcaster; and putting the view of the Church of England, the very late Prebendary Reverend Ross. Gentlemen, is there a life after death or not? Sir Brian? [silence] Roger Last : Professor? [no response] Roger Last : Prebendary? [no response] Roger Last : Well there we have it, three say no. On "Is There?" next week, we'll be discussing the question "Is there enough of it about?" Until then, goodnight. Announcer : You probably noticed that I didn't say, "And now for something completely different," just now. This is simply because, I am unable to appear in the show this week. Sorry to interrupt. Movie Title: The Meaning of Life (1983) as Humphrey / Dr. Spenser / Maitre d' / Grim Reaper / Ainsworth: Hospital Administrator : And what are you doing this morning? Obstetrician : It's a birth. Hospital Administrator : Ah. And what sort of thing is that? Dr. Spenser : Well, that's where we take a new baby out of a lady's tummy. Hospital Administrator : Wonderful what we can do nowdays. Grim Reaper : Englishmen, you're all so fucking pompous. None of you have got any balls. Grim Reaper : Shut up, you American. You Americans, all you do is talk, and talk, and say "let me tell you something" and "I just wanna say." Well, you're dead now, so shut up. Chaplain : Let us praise God. O Lord... Congregation: O Lord... Chaplain : ...Ooh, You are so big... Congregation: ...ooh, You are so big... Chaplain : ...So absolutely huge. Congregation: ...So absolutely huge. Chaplain : Gosh, we're all really impressed down here, I can tell You. Congregation: Gosh, we're all really impressed down here, I can tell You. Chaplain : Forgive us, O Lord, for this, our dreadful toadying, and... Congregation: And barefaced flattery. Chaplain : But You are so strong and, well, just so super. Congregation: Fantastic. Humphrey : Amen. Congregation: Amen. Maitre d' : Good evening sir and how are we today? Mr. Creosote : Better. Maitre d' : Better? Mr. Creosote : Better get a bucket. I'm gonna throw up. Paitent : What do I do? Dr. Spenser : Nothing dear, you're not qualified. Humphrey : So, just listen. Now, did I or did I not... do... vaginal... juices? Pupils: Mmm. Mmm. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Humphrey : Name two ways of getting them flowing, Watson. Watson : R - rubbing the clitoris, sir? Humphrey : What's wrong with a kiss, boy? Hmm? Why not start her off with a nice kiss? You don't have to go leaping straight for the clitoris like a bull at a gate. Give her a kiss, boy. Wymer : Suck the nipple, sir? Humphrey : Good. Good. Well done, Wymer. Pupil: Uh, stroking the thighs, sir. Humphrey : Yes. Yes, I suppose so. Hmm? Pupil: Oh, sir. Biting the neck. Humphrey : Yes. Good. Nibbling the earlobe, uhh, kneading the buttocks, and so on and so forth. So, we have all these possibilities before we stampede towards the clitoris, Watson. Watson : Yes, sir. Sorry, sir. Humphrey : All right, settle down. Settle down... Now, before I begin the lesson, will those of you who are playing in the match this afternoon move your clothes down onto the lower peg immediately after lunch, before you write your letter home, if you're not getting your hair cut, unless you've got a younger brother who is going out this weekend as the guest of another boy, in which case, collect his note before lunch, put it in your letter after you've had your hair cut, and make sure he moves your clothes down onto the lower peg for you. Now... Wymer : Sir? Humphrey : Yes, Wymer? Wymer : My younger brother's going out with Dibble this weekend, sir, but I'm not having my hair cut today, sir. Pupils: [chuckling] Wymer : So, do I move my clothes down, or... Humphrey : I do wish you'd listen, Wymer. It's perfectly simple. If you're not getting your hair cut, you don't have to move your brother's clothes down to the lower peg. You simply collect his note before lunch, after you've done your scripture prep, when you've written your letter home, before rest, move your own clothes onto the lower peg, greet the visitors, and report to Mr. Viney that you've had your chit signed. Humphrey : And spotteth twice they the camels before the third hour. And so the Midianites went forth to Ram Gilead in Kadesh Bilgemath by Shor Ethra Regalion, to the house of Gash-Bil-Betheul-Bazda, he who brought the butter dish to Balshazar and the tent peg to the house of Rashomon, and there slew they the goats, yea, and placed they the bits in little pots. Here endeth the lesson. Humphrey : Oh, no, do share your little joke with the rest of the class. Grim Reaper : You are all dead. I am Death. Host : Well, that's cast rather a gloom over the evening, hasn't it? Humphrey : Now two boys have been found rubbing linseed oil into the school cormorant. Now some of you may feel that the cormorant does not play an important part in the life of the school, but I would remind you that it was presented to us by the corporation of the Town of Sudbury to commemorate Empire Day, when we try to remember the names of all those from the Sudbury area who so gallantly gave their lives to keep China British. So from now on, the cormorant is strictly OUT OF BOUNDS. Oh and Jenkins? Apparently your mother died this morning. Chaplain? Ainsworth : During the night, old Perkins got his leg bitten sort of... off. Dr. Livingstone : Ah, been in the wars, have we? Perkins : Yes. Dr. Livingstone : Ah, any headache? Bowels all right? Hm. Well, let's have a look at this "one leg" of yours, then, eh? Yes, yes, yes, yes. Yes, yes... [Pokes the stump with his pipe] Dr. Livingstone : Yes yes. Yes, well, this is nothing to worry about. Perkins : Oh, good. Dr. Livingstone : Yes, there's a lot of it around, probably a virus. Keep warm, plenty of rest, and if you're playing football or anything, try and favor the other leg. Maitre d' : Et maintenant, would monsieur care for an aperitif, or would he prefer to order straightaway? Today, we have for appetizers - excuse me - uh, moules marinieres, pate de foie gras, beluga caviar, eggs Benedictine, tarte de poireaux - that's leek tart - frogs legs amandine or oefs de caille Richard Shepherd - Ce'et a dire, little quails' eggs on a bed of pureed mushrooms. It's very delicate, very succulent. Mr. Creosote : I'll have the lot. Ainsworth : I'm afraid we've got a bit of a problem... you see one of our officers has [sotto voice] Ainsworth : Lost a leg. We think it's a tiger... Soldier: In Africa? Pakenham : Sh, sh sh... Humphrey : Now, sex. Sex, sex, sex. Where were we? [pupils can't remember] Humphrey : Well, had I got as far as the penis entering the vagina? Pupils: Uh, no, sir. No, sir. Humphrey : Well, had I done foreplay? Pupils: Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Humphrey : Ah. Well, as we all know all about foreplay, no doubt you can tell me what the purpose of foreplay is. Biggs. Biggs : Um, don't know. Sorry, sir. Humphrey : Carter? Carter : Oh. Uh, was it taking your clothes off, sir? Humphrey : Well, a-and after that? Wymer : [Misunderstanding] Oh! Putting them on a lower peg, sir. [Humphrey chucks an object at Wymer for his stupidity] Humphrey : The purpose of foreplay is to cause the vagina to lubricate so that the penis can penetrate more easily. Movie Title: Cheers (1982) as Dr. Simon Finch-Royce: Diane : [referring to her relationship with Sam] Well, what about the idea that opposites attract? Dr. Simon Finch-Royce : AH, the song of the TRULY desperate. [Sam & Diane visit Dr Finch-Royce for the umpteenth time] Diane : Dr., there's still one thing you haven't considered... Dr. Simon Finch-Royce : Ok; Sam, Diane, you two are perfect together. I'm sorry I made a mistake before but you are the most perfectly matched couple ever. But, why am I telling this to you? Let's share it with the rest of the world. [opens window] Dr. Simon Finch-Royce : Hear this, world. The rest of you can stop getting married. It's been done to perfection. Envy them, sofa, envy them, chair, for you shall never be as cozy as they for their union shall be an epoch-shattering success and I STAKE MY LIFE ON IT. Wait a moment, let me get this on record [talks into his tape recorder] Dr. Simon Finch-Royce : "I, Dr. Simon Finch-Royce, being of sound mind and body declare that Sam and Diane shall be happy together throughout all eternity and if I am wrong I promise I will take my own life in the most disgusting manner possible." Here, take the tape, NO, take the whole machine. It's my wedding gift to you. The most perfect couple since the DAWN of TIME. Diane : [turns to Sam] See? Movie Title: A Fish Called Wanda (1988) as Archie, Curtis, Jamie Lee / Archie: Wanda : Let's make love. Archie : Well, if you absolutely insist... [Archie has put his gun down to fist fight with Otto] Archie : I used to box for Oxford. Otto : Oh, yeah? [Otto quickly picks up Archie's gun, and points it at him] Otto : I used to kill for the CIA. Otto : You know your problem? You don't like winners. Archie : Winners? Otto : Yeah. Winners. Archie : Winners, like North Vietnam? Otto : Shut up. We didn't lose Vietnam. It was a tie. Archie : [going into a cowboy-like drawl] I'm tellin' ya baby, they kicked your little ass there. Boy, they whooped yer hide REAL GOOD. Otto : You pompous, stuck-up, snot-nosed, English, giant, twerp, scumbag, fuck-face, dickhead, asshole. Archie : How very interesting. You're a true vulgarian, aren't you? Otto : You are the vulgarian, you fuck. [Archie visits George, who is guarded by two policemen] Archie : We need to talk. George : You tell those pigs to fuck off. Archie : Fuck off, pigs. [Otto dangles Archie out a window] Archie : All right, all right, I apologize. Otto : You're really sorry. Archie : I'm really really sorry, I apologize unreservedly. Otto : You take it back. Archie : I do, I offer a complete and utter retraction. The imputation was totally without basis in fact, and was in no way fair comment, and was motivated purely by malice, and I deeply regret any distress that my comments may have caused you, or your family, and I hereby undertake not to repeat any such slander at any time in the future. Otto : OK. Wanda : You just wanted to get me into bed. Archie : I fell in love with you. Wanda : How come you dumped me then. Archie : I wasn't rich enough, remember. Wanda : Say something in Russian. Archie : No. Archie : You make me feel free. Wanda : Free? Archie : Wanda, do you have any idea what it's like being English? Being so correct all the time, being so stifled by this dread of, of doing the wrong thing, of saying to someone "Are you married?" and hearing "My wife left me this morning," or saying, uh, "Do you have children?" and being told they all burned to death on Wednesday. You see, Wanda, we'll all terrified of embarrassment. That's why we're so... dead. Most of my friends are dead, you know, we have these piles of corpses to dinner. But you're alive, God bless you, and I want to be, I'm so fed up with all this. I want to make love with you, Wanda. I'm a good lover - at least, used to be, back in the early 14th century. Can we go to bed? Wanda : Yeah. Archie : Your brother didn't bring you here this time, did he? Wanda : No. Archie : He's no idea? Wanda : He doesn't have a clue. Archie : What? Wanda : He's so dumb... Archie : Really? Wanda : ...he thought that the Gettysburg Address was where Lincoln lived. Archie : You are the sexiest, most beautiful girl I have ever seen... in my entire life. Wanda : Get me my drink. Archie : I Wendy- I Wanda- I wonder... Wanda : What are you thinking, Archie? Archie : I'm just trying to think of one good reason why I should take you to South America with me. Wanda : How about... because I have the key to the safety deposit box? [Pause] Archie : That's a... Archie, Curtis, Jamie Lee : ...good reason. [Archie has put his gun down to fist fight with Otto] Archie : I used to box for Oxford. Otto : Oh, yeah? Well... [Otto quickly picks up Archie's gun, and points it at him] Otto : ...I used to kill for the CIA. Archie : [to Wanda] How could a bright and smart girl like you have a brother who is so - Otto : [coming between them] Don't call me stupid! Movie Title: Life of Brian (1979) as Jewish Official / Reg / Centurion / Arthur: Brian : Excuse me. Are you the Judean People's Front? Reg : Fuck off! We're the People's Front of Judea Reg : All right, but apart from the sanitation, medicine, education, wine, public order, irrigation, roads, the fresh water system and public health, what have the Romans ever done for us? Attendee: Brought peace? Reg : Oh, peace - shut up! Reg : There is not one of us who would not gladly suffer death to rid this country of the Romans once and for all. Dissenter: Uh, well, one. Reg : Oh, yeah, yeah, there's one. But otherwise, we're solid. Brian : I am NOT the Messiah! Arthur : I say you are Lord, and I should know. I've followed a few. Reg : If you want to join the People's Front of Judea, you have to really hate the Romans. Brian : I do! Reg : Oh yeah, how much? Brian : A lot! Reg : Right, you're in. Brian : I'm not the Messiah! Will you please listen? I am not the Messiah, do you understand? Honestly! Girl: Only the true Messiah denies His divinity. Brian : What? Well, what sort of chance does that give me? All right! I am the Messiah! Followers: He is! He is the Messiah! Brian : Now, fuck off! [silence] Arthur : How shall we fuck off, O Lord? Reg : Hello, Sibling Brian. Brian : Thank God you've come, Reg. Reg : Well, I think I should point out first, Brian, in all fairness, we are not, in fact, the rescue committee. However, I have been asked to read the following prepare statement on behalf of the movement. "We the People's Front of Judea, brackets, officials, end brackets, do hereby convey our sincere fraternal and sisterly greetings to you, Brian, on this, the occasion of your martyrdom." Brian : What? Reg : "Your death will stand as a landmark in the continuing struggle to liberate the parent land from the hands of the Roman imperialist aggressors, excluding those concerned with drainage, medicine, roads, housing, education, viniculture and any other Romans contributing to the welfare of Jews of both sexes and hermaphrodites. Signed, on behalf of the P.F.J., etc." And I'd just like to add, on a personal note, my own admiration, for what you're doing for us, Brian, on what must be, after all, for you a very difficult time. Matthias : Look, I don't think it should be a sin, just for saying "Jehovah." [Everyone gasps] Jewish Official : You're only making it worse for yourself! Matthias : Making it worse? How can it be worse? Jehovah! Jehovah! Jehovah! Jewish Official : I'm warning you! If you say "Jehovah" one more time (gets hit with rock) RIGHT! Who did that? Come on, who did it? Stoners: She did! She did! (suddenly speaking as men) He! He did! He! Jewish Official : Was it you? Stoner: Yes. Jewish Official : Right... Stoner: Well you did say "Jehovah." [Crowd throws rocks at the stoner] Jewish Official : STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT RIGHT NOW! STOP IT! Alright, no one is to stone _anyone_ until I blow this whistle. Even... and I want to make this absolutely clear... even if they do say, "Jehovah." [Crowd stones the Jewish Official to death] Judith : Here! I've got an idea. Suppose you agree that he can't actually have babies, not having a womb, which is nobody's fault, not even the Romans', but that he can have the *right* to have babies. Francis : Good idea, Judith. We shall fight the oppressors for your right to have babies, brother. Sister, sorry. Reg : What's the *point*? Francis : What? Reg : What's the point of fighting for his right to have babies, when he can't have babies? Francis : It is symbolic of our struggle against oppression. Reg : It's symbolic of his struggle against reality. Centurion : You know the penalty laid down by Roman law for harboring a known criminal? Matthias : No. Centurion : Crucifixion! Matthias : Oh. Centurion : Nasty, eh? Matthias : Could be worse. Centurion : What you mean "Could be worse"? Matthias : Well, you could be stabbed. Centurion : Stabbed? Takes a second. Crucifixion lasts hours. It's a slow, horrible death. Matthias : Well, at least it gets you out in the open air. Centurion : You're weird! [After correcting Brian's Latin graffiti] Centurion : Right... now write that one hundred times. Brian : Yes, yes, hail Caesar! Centurion : Hail Caesar! If it is not done by sunrise, I'll cut your balls off. Pontius Pilate : So, youw fawtha was a Woman. Who was he? Brian : He was a Centurion, in the Jeruselem Garrison. Pontius Pilate : What was his name? Brian : Nottius Maximus, sir. Centurion : [giggle] Pontius Pilate : Centuwion do you have anyone in your gawwison by that name? Centurion : No, sir. Pontius Pilate : Well you seem awfully sure, have you checked? Centurion : I think its a joke, sir. Sort of like... uh... Sillius Sodus, or Biggus Dickus. (guards giggle) Pontius Pilate : What's so funny about "Biggus Dickus?" Centurion : Its a joke name, sir. Pontius Pilate : I have a vewy good fwiend in Wome named "Biggus Dickus." [guard laughs] Pontius Pilate : WIGHT! THATS IT! Centurion : Oh, but sir... Pontius Pilate : No, no, no. I want him fighting weally, wild, wavish animals by the mowning! Centurion : Where is Brian of Nazareth? Brian : You sanctimonious bastards! Centurion : I have an order for his release! Brian : You stupid bastards! Stan : Uh, I'm Brian of Nazareth. Brian : What? Stan : Yeah, I - I - I'm Brian of Nazareth. Centurion : Take him down! Brian : I'm Brian of Nazareth! Victim #1: Eh, I'm Brian! Mr. Big Nose : I'm Brian! Victim #2: Look, I'm Brian! Brian : I'm Brian! Victims: I'm Brian! Gregory : I'm Brian, and so's my wife! Victims: I'm Brian! I'm Brian!... Brian : I'm Brian of Nazareth! Centurion : All right. Take him away and release him. Stan : No, I'm only joking. I'm not really Brian. No, I'm not Brian. I was only - It was a joke. I'm only pulling your leg! It's a joke! I'm not him! I'm just having you on! Put me back! Bloody Romans! Can't take a joke! Reg : From now on you shall be called Brian that is called Brian. Centurion : You are fucking nicked, me old beauty! Reg : What Jesus fails to appreciate is that it's the meek who are the problem. Movie Title: Clockwise (1986) as Mr. Stimson / Brian Stimson / Brian Stimpson: Brian Stimpson : It's not the despair, Laura. I can take the despair. It's the hope. Brian Stimson : My office - 9:20 - Executions! Mr. Stimson : We don't need a track. It's grass. Movie Title: Will & Grace (1998) as Lyle Finster: [Lyle walks in] Lyle Finster : There she is, the woman who set my heart on fire. [Karen rolls her eyes] Lyle Finster : Which is a nice change, since the women I'm usually with cause a burning feeling in an altogether different area. Karen : Get lost, David Cop-a-feel. Just because we once made out like drunk straight girls at a frat party, doesn't mean you're wanted here. Grace : [to Lyle] Hi. Welcome to my office. And we usually reserve this kind of talk for casual sex Friday. Lyle Finster : Oh, I'm so sorry. I didn't see you there. Lyle Finster. Grace : Finster? Oh my God. You're Lorraine's father. You tricked Karen into kissing you. Karen : That's right. And it ain't never gonna happen again. No, sir. Not on my watch. Lyle Finster : I understand. But I only came here to return the kiss that you left on my lips. Karen : What? Give it back! [Karen jumps on Lyle and they start making out and growling] Grace : If you'll excuse me, I'm just gonna go in the back and gouge out my eyes and puncture my eardrums. Karen : Oh, no, honey, stay. I was just taking back my - [realizes] Karen : Hey! Lyle Finster : Karen, I'm lost without you. I've tried to fill the void with secretaries and whores, but at the end of the hour, it's you I wish I was paying. Grace : Really, I'm uncomfortable. Karen : It's never gonna happen between us, Lyle. So beat it. Lyle Finster : Very well. But I'll never forget you. Every mouth that I kiss will be your mouth. Every bottom that I slap will be your bottom. Every nipple that I tweak... Grace : Please, one of us has to go! Karen : Get out. Lyle Finster : Very well. But know this: Every vagina... Grace : GET OUT! [Lyle has chosen Karen over Lorraine] Lyle Finster : I-I'm sorry, Lorraine. I love you, but I'm not in love with you, and I *am* in love with Karen. Karen : What? You are? Lyle Finster : Yes, and it's - it's never happened to me before. Lorraine : But what about my mummy? Lyle Finster : Well, I-I wasn't so much *in* love with mummy as I was *in* an alley and *out* of condoms. Movie Title: 007 Racing (2000) as R: R : Oh, please, you call that driving? Q could drive better than that, and he's dead! I could drive better than that with a flesh wound in my hand! R : Oh, please, you call that driving? Q could drive better than that, and he's dead! I could drive better than that with a flesh wound in my hand! Movie Title: Fawlty Towers (1975) as Basil Fawlty: [Basil finds someone going through the food in the kitchen] Basil Fawlty : Sybil, may I introduce the gentleman who's just opened the self-service department here. Mr...? Mr. Carnegie : Carnegie. Basil Fawlty : Mr. Carnegie, the scavenger gourmet from...? Mr. Carnegie : The Public Health department. [Manuel wants to keep his pet rat] Manuel : Mrs. Fawlty, please understand. If he go, I go. Basil Fawlty : Well, goodbye. [Sybil suggests a way to get rid of Manuel's rat] Sybil Fawlty : Perhaps it would be simplest to have him put to s-l-e-e-p. Basil Fawlty : Who? Him or the rat? I could get a discount if we get them both done. [Two guests are speaking to Basil in German] Basil Fawlty : Oh, German. I'm sorry, I thought there was something wrong with you. Basil Fawlty : Polly, what's that smell? Polly : Flowers, I just got them from the garden. Basil Fawlty : Well, what are you stinking the place up with those for? What's happened to the plastic ones? Polly : Being ironed. Basil Fawlty : You'll have to forgive him. He's from Barcelona. Mr. Hutchinson : There is a documentary on BBC2 this evening about "Squawking Bird," the leader of the Blackfoot Indians in the 1860s. Now this starts at 8:45 and goes on for approximately three-quarters of an hour. Basil Fawlty : I'm sorry are you talking to me? Mr. Hutchinson : Indeed I am. Yes, now, is it possible for me to reserve the BBC2 channel for the duration of this televisual feast? Basil Fawlty : Why don't you talk properly? Mr. Carnegie : Lack of proper cleaning routines, dirty and greasy filters, greasy and encrusted deep fat fryer, dirty, cracked and stained food preparation surfaces, dirty, cracked and missing wall and floor tiles, dirty, marked and stained utensils, dirty and greasy interior surfaces of the ventilator hood... Basil Fawlty : About the fat fryer... Mr. Carnegie : ...inadequate temperature control and storage of dangerous foodstuffs, storage of cooked and raw meat in same trays, storage of raw meat above confectionery with consequent dripping of meat juices onto cream products, refrigerator seals loose and cracked, ice box undefrosted, and refrigerator overstocked... Basil Fawlty : Say no more. Mr. Carnegie : ...food handling routines suspect, evidence of smoking in food preparation area, dirty and grubby food handling overalls, lack of wash hand basin which you gave us a verbal assurance you'll have installed at our last visit six months ago and two dead pigeons in the water tank. Basil Fawlty : Otherwise O.K.? Basil Fawlty : I think I'll have a lie down. No I won't, I'll go and hit some guests. O'Reilly : The problem with you, Mr. Fawlty, is that you worry too much. You keep it up like this, you'll have a stroke before fifty. Stone dead you'll be. Basil Fawlty : Suits me. O'Reilly : Oh. That's a dreadful thing to say. Basil Fawlty : Not at all. Get a bit of peace. O'Reilly : Don't be so morbid. The Good Lord made the world so that we could all enjoy ourselves. Basil Fawlty : Look, my wife enjoys herself. I worry. O'Reilly : Well, let me tell you, if the Lord had meant us to worry, he would have given us things to worry about. Basil Fawlty : HE HAS. MY WIFE. She will be back here in four hours and she can kill a man at ten paces with one blow of her tongue. How am I supposed not to worry? O'Reilly : Just remember, Mr. Fawlty, there's always somebody worse off than yourself. Basil Fawlty : Is there? Well I'd like to meet him. I could do with a laugh. O'Reilly : You'll have to worry for the both of us. I tell you, if the Good Lord... Basil Fawlty : - -is mentioned ONCE more, I shall move you closer to him. Basil Fawlty : Where are the pens? Sybil : They're in that box. It says "pens" quite clearly. Basil Fawlty : Looks more like "Ben's." Sybil : Well, then when Ben comes, you can give it to him. Basil Fawlty : I'll ruin you. You'll never waitress in Torquay again. Basil Fawlty : [indicating Sybil] This, Basil's wife. [indicating himself] Basil Fawlty : This, Basil. This, smack on head. [smacks Manuel on the head] Basil Fawlty : Manuel will show you to your rooms - if you're lucky. Basil Fawlty : It's alright, he's only choking. Basil Fawlty : Don't touch me, I don't know where you've been. Basil Fawlty : Is something wrong? German Guest : Will you please stop talking about the war? Basil Fawlty : Me? You started it. German Guest : We did not! Basil Fawlty : Yes you did, you invaded Poland. [Basil has just found out that Kurt has a crush on Manuel] Basil Fawlty : I knew it. I knew this would happen if we hired a Frenchman. Polly : He's Greek, Mr. Fawlty. Basil Fawlty : Greek? Polly : Of course. Basil Fawlty : Well that's worse. They invented it. [Basil has suffered a blow to the head and is in the hospital] Basil Fawlty : [to nurse] My God, you're ugly, aren't you? Sister : I'll... I'll get the doctor. Basil Fawlty : It's a plastic surgeon you need, not a doctor. Basil Fawlty : May I help you, madam? Mrs. Richards : Are you the manager? Basil Fawlty : I am the *owner*. Mrs. Richards : What? Basil Fawlty : I am the owner. Mrs. Richards : I want to speak to the manager. Basil Fawlty : [impatiently] I am the manager, too. Mrs. Richards : What? Basil Fawlty : I am the manager *as well*. Manuel : [confirming Basil's identity] Manajer, him manajer. Mrs. Richards : Oh. You're Watt. Basil Fawlty : [confused] I'm the manager. Mrs. Richards : What? Basil Fawlty : I'm the manager. Mrs. Richards : Yes, I know, you've just told me; what's the matter with you? Now listen to me. I specifically requested a bath for my room. When I pay for a bath, I expect to get a bath. Basil Fawlty : You've *got* a bath. Mrs. Richards : I'm not paying seventeen-pounds-fifty per night plus VAT for a room without a bath. Basil Fawlty : [indicating private bath in adjoining room] There is your bath. Mrs. Richards : You call that a bath? It's not big enough to drown a mouse. It's disgraceful. Basil Fawlty : [sotto voice] I wish you were a mouse; I'd show you. Mrs. Richards : [standing next to the window] And another thing: I asked for a room with a view. Basil Fawlty : [aside to Manuel] Deaf, mad, *and* blind. [to Mrs. Richards as he makes a show of inspecting the view] Basil Fawlty : This is the view as far as I can remember... Yes... Yes, this is it. Mrs. Richards : When I pay for a view, I expect to see something more interesting than that. Basil Fawlty : That is Torquay, madam. Mrs. Richards : Well, that's not good enough. Basil Fawlty : Well, might I ask what you expected to see out of a Torquay hotel bedroom window? Sydney Opera House, perhaps? The hanging gardens of Babylon? Herds of wildebeest sweeping majestically... Mrs. Richards : Don't be ridiculous. I expect to be able to see the sea. Basil Fawlty : You *can* see the sea. It's over there between the land and the sky. Mrs. Richards : I'd need a telescope to see that. Basil Fawlty : Well, might I suggest you move to a hotel closer to the sea. [sotto voice] Basil Fawlty : Or preferably in it. Mrs. Richards : Now listen to me. I'm not satisfied, but I've decided to stay here. However, I shall expect a reduction. Basil Fawlty : Why? Because Krakatoa's not erupting at the moment, or... Mrs. Richards : No. Because the room is cold, the bath is too small, the view is invisible, and the radio doesn't work. Basil Fawlty : No, the radio works. [sotto voice] Basil Fawlty : You don't. Mrs. Richards : What? Basil Fawlty : But I can fix it, you see. [sotto voice] Basil Fawlty : You scabby old bat. [Turns up the in-wall radio full blast to prove it works. Manuel jams his hands over his ears] Basil Fawlty : [shutting it off] I think we got something then. Mrs. Richards : What? Basil Fawlty : [louder] I think we got something then. Mrs. Richards : What are you doing? Manuel : [still with hands tightly over ears] QUÉ? Mrs. Richards : I expected to see the sea. Basil Fawlty : You can see the sea. It's over there between the land and the sky. Basil Fawlty : This is typical. Absolutely typical... of the kind of... [shouting] Basil Fawlty : ARSE I have to put up with from you people. You ponce in here expecting to be waited on hand and foot, while I'm trying to run a hotel here. Have you any idea of how much there is to do? Do you ever t |
