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 Jeff Bridges Quotation"As far as the lack of hits goes, I think perhaps it's because I've played a lot of different roles and have not created a persona that the public can latch on to. I have played everything from psychopathic killers to romantic leading men, and in picking such diverse roles I have avoided typecasting." "I don't think I ever went down that movie star path. I always enjoy taking a 90-degree turn from the last thing I did." Movie Title: King Kong (1976) as Jack Prescott: Jack Prescott : There is a girl out there who might be running for her life from some gigantic turned-on ape. Jack Prescott : Even an environmental rapist like you wouldn't destroy a new and unique species. Fred Wilson: Bet me. Movie Title: Bad Company (1972) as Jake Rumsey: [Drew and Jake are about to enter a life of crime... ] Jake Rumsey : Say, how'd that Jane Eyre turn out? Drew Dixon : Oh, fine, fine. [To bank patrons] Drew Dixon : Stick 'em up. The Farmer : Boys, it was hell on wheels. The worst idea in the world to go west. Jake Rumsey : Oh, come on now. The Farmer : No, I ain't lying to you, son. We tried farming the first year and a twister wiped us out. Next year it was the cattlemen, then just pure-D rotten soil. There ain't nobody got no money excepting a few. And even if you do have, there ain't a thing worth having. It rains so much it will give you the chilblains. A dry spell comes along and you choke to death on dust. That is if a bushwhacker don't come along and take your last damn dollar. No, I mean it boys, turn around and go back! Movie Title: Fearless (1993) as Max / Max Klein: Carla : This is a German car? Max : Swedish! Carla : It's very sturdy. Max : It's a very safe car - a very safe car, and I'm an excellent driver. I've never been in an accident - well at least not while behind the wheel. But even strapped in to all of this marvelous technology of the reenforced doors and roof - we could still get crushed. Max : Pray for us. This is the hour of our death. Max Klein : [talking to God] You want to kill me but you can't! Laura Klein : Why didn't you call and say you were alive? Max Klein : I thought I was dead. Max Klein : Let's buy gifts for the dead! Max : People don't believe in god so much as they choose not to believe in nothing. Dr. Bill Perlman : She won't talk. Very Catholic. Old World, you know. Full of guilt, shame. Max Klein : I'm full of guilt and shame. How is that Old World? Carla Rodrigo : You told me I was going to be safe with you. Max Klein : You're safe. You're safe because we died already. Movie Title: The Fisher King (1991) as Jack Lucas: Jack Lucas : Where would King Arthur be without Guinevere? Parry : Happily married, probably. Jack Lucas : Well, that's a bad... that's a bad example. Jack Lucas : Did you lose your mind all at once, or was it a slow, gradual process? Jack Lucas : It's important to think. It's what separates us from lentils. Anne Napolitano : Didn't you say that what you liked about our relationship is that we didn't have to think. We could just be there for each other. Jack Lucas : A suicidal paranoiac would say anything to get laid. Jack Lucas : I'm hearing horses. Parry would be so proud. Movie Title: Somebody Killed Her Husband (1978) as Jerry Green: Jerry Green : I can offer you instant poverty plus an employees' discount at Macy's. Jenny Moore : I accept. Jerry Green : Did I - did I just ask you to marry me and you said yes? Jenny Moore : Yes! Movie Title: Wild Bill (1995) as Wild Bill Hickock: [Wild Bill and Calamity Jane are interrupted by a gunfighter during a romantic moment] Wild Bill Hickock : You inconsiderate son of a bitch! Movie Title: Thunderbolt and Lightfoot (1974) as Lightfoot: Lightfoot : You ain't no preacher, Preacher. Red Leary : Does he know everything? [At the same time] John Doherty : No. Lightfoot : Yes. [Lightfoot is driving a truck and he sees a woman riding a motorcycle in shorts] Lightfoot : Hey were did you get those pants? [The woman pulls out a hammer, pounds the truck and rides off] Lightfoot : You freak! I love you, come back! John Doherty : You don't look so good, kid. Lightfoot : I believe you're right. Lightfoot : Thunderbolt and Lightfoot. That sounds like something. Lightfoot : Hey. You stick with me kid. Your gonna live forever. Movie Title: White Squall (1996) as Captain Christopher Sheldon / Captain Christopher "Skipper" Sheldon: Captain Christopher Sheldon : If we don't have order, we have nothing. Where we go one, we go all. Captain Christopher "Skipper" Sheldon : You can't run from the wind. You trim your sails, face the music, and keep going. Captain Christopher "Skipper" Sheldon : Nothing happens on this ship that I don't know about. She speaks to me in the night. So don't test me, not even a little. Movie Title: Masked and Anonymous (2003) as Tom Friend: Tom Friend : Everybody's doing the killing now. Everybody's doing the dying. Movie Title: Starman (1984) as Starman: Starman : I watched you very carefully. Red light stop, green light go, yellow light go very fast. Starman : Shall I tell you what I find beautiful about you? You are at your very best when things are worst. Starman : I send greetings. Trucker : What the hell's going on here? Jenny Hayden : I'm being kidnapped! Starman : Greetings. Trucker : You better let her go pal, I'll give you some greetings. Cook : What's your line? Starman : Line? Cook : Work. Whaddya do when you're not hitchin' rides? Starman : Oh, I make maps. Cook : Make any money? Starman : I make maps. Movie Title: Kiss Me Goodbye (1982) as Rupert Baines: Woman: And I suppose you're a dancer too? Rupert Baines : No, I'm just effeminate, thank you. Movie Title: Heaven's Gate (1980) as John L. Bridges: John L. Bridges : It's getting dangerous to be poor in this country. Movie Title: The Morning After (1986) as Turner Kendall: Turner Kendall : You'll notice that your spades spend disproportionately on transportation and clothing their young. Alex Sternbergen : What are you, some kind of Klan anthropologist? Movie Title: Seabiscuit (2003) as Charles Howard: George Woolf : You want to know what I think? Charles Howard : Sure. George Woolf : I think it's better to break a man's leg than his heart. Charles Howard : You could be crippled for the rest of your life. Red Pollard : I was crippled for the rest of my life. I got better. He made me better. Hell, you made me better. Charles Howard : Son, what are you so mad at? Red Pollard : This isn't just any race. This is the Santa Anita. I had that race. I was there. Charles Howard : I know. Charles Howard : It isn't just the leg. He could fall off. He could get trampled. He could. . . Marcela Howard : He could die? [She picks a little ball game out of his pocket] Marcela Howard : You know I play with this all the time, too. No matter how hard I try, I can't get that damn ball to stay in the hole. Just let him ride. Just let him do it. [Red is not eating his food at the dinner table] Charles Howard : Go ahead, eat. Red Pollard : I'm not that hungry. Charles Howard : Sure, you're not. Red Pollard : It's just a lot of food. Charles Howard : I'd rather have you strong than thin. Charles Howard : The horse is too small, the jockey too big, the trainer too old, and I'm too dumb to know the difference. [Howard is selling a new Buick at his dealership, explaining the advantages of a car over a horse] Charles Howard : To tell you the truth, I wouldn't spend more than five dollars on the best horse in America. [displaying Seabiscuit's jockey silks] Marcela Howard : You don't think the "H" is too big? Charles Howard : You seen the size of our jockey? Movie Title: The Mirror Has Two Faces (1996) as Gregory Larkin: Gregory Larkin : The mathematical world is completely rational, uncomplicated by sex. Gregory Larkin : I want to be upfront. I am not interested in sex with you. Gregory Larkin : You don't use make-up. Rose Morgan : What's the point? It'd still be me, only in color. Gregory Larkin : I don't care if you're pretty, I love you anyway! Gregory Larkin : I liked the old Rose! She eats carrots now, isn't that tragic? Movie Title: American Heart (1992) as Jack Kelson: Jack Kelson : Keep my name outta your mouth. Jack Kelson : Where are you goin'?, hey, I'm talkin' to you! Nick Kelson : Your a fuck up and your gonna fuck me up too! Movie Title: The Contender (2000) as President Jackson Evans: President Jackson Evans : Who doesn't want a shortcut to greatness? [Missing a bowling roll] President Jackson Evans : Well, that's what I get for my Leftist tendencies. President Jackson Evans : You're the future of the Democratic party. And you always will be. Rep. Sheldon Runyan: I must say, I'm at a total fuckn' loss here! President Jackson Evans : Shut the fuck up Runyan. Movie Title: K-PAX (2001) as Dr. Mark Powell: Dr. Mark Powell : What would you say if I told you I think you're as human as I am? Prot : I would say you're in need of a thorazine drip, Doctor. Dr. Mark Powell : Do you know why you're here? Prot : You think I'm crazy. Dr. Mark Powell : Do you think you're crazy? Prot : A little homesick, perhaps. Dr. Mark Powell : And where is home? Prot : K-PAX. Dr. Mark Powell : K-PAX? Prot : It's a planet about 2,000 of your 'light-years' away. Dr. Mark Powell : I see. Dr. Mark Powell : What if I were to tell you that according to a man who lived on our planet, named Einstein, that nothing can travel faster than the speed of light? Prot : I would say that you misread Einstein, Dr. Powell. May I call you Mark? You see Mark, what Einstein actually said was that nothing can accelerate to the speed of light because its mass would become infinite. Einstein said nothing about entities already traveling at the speed of light or faster. Dr. Mark Powell : I'm only familiar with nine planets. Prot : Actually there are ten. But that doesn't matter, I'm not from your solar system. Movie Title: The Fabulous Baker Boys (1989) as Jack Baker: Jack Baker : What's happened to you? Have you been kissing ass so long, you're starting to like it? Jack Baker : You let that guy turn us into clowns tonight. We were always small time, but we were never clowns. Jack Baker : Frank, if somebody requested "Chopsticks," you'd ask for the sheet music. Jack Baker : Who I fuck and who I don't fuck is none of your fucking business! Susie Diamond : You're good, aren't you? Jack Baker : I can carry a tune. Susie Diamond : You're better than that. Susie Diamond : So, make any resolutions? Jack Baker : No, you? Susie Diamond : Nah, I figure all that stuff's a bunch of crap, anyway. You do what you do, right? Jack Baker : There's always another girl. Susie Diamond : So, did you find another girl? Jack Baker : I didn't look. Jack Baker : You look good. Susie Diamond : You look like shit. Jack Baker : No, I mean it. You look good. Susie Diamond : I mean it, too. You look like shit. Jack Baker : What do you want from me? You want me to tell you to stay, hmm? Is that what you're looking for? You want me to get down on my knees and beg you to save the Baker Boys from doom? Forget it, sweetheart. We survived for 15 years before you strutted onto the scene. Fifteen years. Two seconds, you're bawling like a baby. You shouldn't be wearing a dress; you should be wearing a diaper. Jack Baker : Listen to me, princess. We fucked twice. That's it. Once the sweat dries, you still don't know shit about me. Got it? Susie Diamond : I know one thing. While Frank Baker was home putting his kids to sleep last night, little brother Jack was out dusting off his dreams for a few minutes. I was there. I saw it in your face. You're full of shit. You're a fake. Every time you walk into some shitty daiquiri hut, you're selling yourself on the cheap. Hey, I know all about that. I'd find myself at the end of the night with some creep and tell myself it didn't matter. And you kid yourself that you've got this empty place inside where you can put it all. But you do it long enough and all you are is empty. Jack Baker : I didn't know whores were so philosophical. Susie Diamond : At least my brother's not my pimp. You know, I had you pegged for a loser the first time I saw you, but I was wrong. You're worse. You're a coward. Frank Baker : I'm sorry. I'm a bit wound up. Jack Baker : Frank, you're a fucking alarm clock. Movie Title: Texasville (1990) as Duane / Duane Jackson: Jacy : It's ironic you broke all your ribs right before the Adam and Eve skit. I wonder what a psychiatrist would make of that. Duane : I din't break all my ribs, I just broke three. Jacy : That doesn't affect the irony honey-pie. Duane : Somebody must be making a fortune off fertility drugs in this county. Duane Jackson : It must be ten years since I've seen you wear anything I didn't have to read. Duane Jackson : Women have a heartless side to them, don't they? Movie Title: The Last Unicorn (1982) as Prince Lir: Prince Lir : Heroes know that things must happen when it is time for them to happen. A quest may not simply be abandoned; unicorns may go unrescued for a long time, but not forever; a happy ending cannot come in the middle of the story. [Lir is trying to compose a poem] Prince Lir : The lift of longing / The crash of loss / The bitterness of... cross? boss? moss? Damn! Prince Lir : Unicorn, mermaid, sorceress... no name you could give her would surprise OR frighten me. I love whom I love. Schmendrick : Well, that's a very nice sentiment, but when I change her back into her true self... Prince Lir : I love whom I love. Prince Lir : [singing] I've had time to write a book about the way you act and look, But I haven't got a paragraph. Words are always getting in my way. Anyway, I love you. That's all I have to tell you. That's all I've got to say. And now I'd like to make a speech about the love that touches each, But stumbling I would make you laugh. I feel as though my tongue were made of clay. Anyway, I love you. That's all I have to tell you... Movie Title: The Big Lebowski (1998) as The Dude: Donny : Phone's ringing, Dude. The Dude : Thank you, Donny. Maude Lebowski : What do you do for recreation? The Dude : Oh, the usual. I bowl. Drive around. The occasional acid flashback. The Dude : That's a great plan, Walter. That's fuckin' ingenious, if I understand it correctly. It's a Swiss fuckin' watch. [after showing him a clip from the porn movie starring Bunny] Maude Lebowski : You can imagine where it goes from here. The Dude : He fixes the cable? Maude Lebowski : Don't be fatuous, Jeffrey. The Dude : Fuck sympathy! I don't need your fuckin' sympathy, man, I need my fucking johnson! Donny : What do you need that for, Dude? The Dude : Everything's a fuckin' travesty with you, man! Walter Sobchak : You want a toe? I can get you a toe, believe me. There are ways, Dude. You don't wanna know about it, believe me. The Dude : Yeah, but Walter... Walter Sobchak : Hell, I can get you a toe by 3 o'clock this afternoon... with nail polish. Walter Sobchak : I'm saying, I see what you're getting at, Dude, he kept the money. My point is, here we are, it's shabbas, the sabbath, which I'm allowed to break only if it's a matter of life or death... The Dude : Will you come off it, Walter? You're not even fucking Jewish, man. Walter Sobchak : What the fuck are you talkin' about? The Dude : Man, you're fucking Polish Catholic... Walter Sobchak : What the fuck are you talking about? I converted when I married Cynthia! Come on, Dude! The Dude : Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah... Walter Sobchak : And you know this! The Dude : Yeah, and five fucking years ago you were divorced. Walter Sobchak : So what are you saying? When you get divorced you turn in your library card? You get a new license? You stop being Jewish? The Dude : It's all a part of your sick Cynthia thing, man. Taking care of her fucking dog. Going to her fucking synagogue. You're living in the fucking past. Walter Sobchak : Three thousand years of beautiful tradition, from Moses to Sandy Koufax... [Shouting] Walter Sobchak : You're goddamn right I'm living in the fucking past! Walter Sobchak : Okay Dude, so far it's just been a string of victimless crimes. The Dude : What about the fucking toe man? Walter Sobchak : FORGET THE FUCKING TOE! Treehorn Thug : [holding up a bowling ball] What the fuck is this? The Dude : Obviously you're not a golfer. The Dude : Walter, what is the point? Look, we all know who is at fault here, what the fuck are you talking about? Walter Sobchak : Huh? No, what the fuck are you... I'm not... We're talking about unchecked aggression here, dude. Donny : What the fuck is he talking about? The Dude : My rug. Walter Sobchak : Forget it, Donny, you're out of your element! The Dude : Walter, the chinaman who peed on my rug, I can't go give him a bill, so what the fuck are you talking about? Walter Sobchak : What the fuck are you talking about? The chinaman is not the issue here, dude. I'm talking about drawing a line in the sand, dude. Across this line, you DO NOT... Also, dude, chinaman is not the preferred nomenclature. Asian-American, please. The Dude : Walter, ya know, its Smokey, so his foot slipped over the line a little, big deal. Walter Sobchak : Dude, this is a league game, the winner of this gets to progress into the next round robin. Am I wrong? Am I wrong? Smokey : Yeah but I wasn't over. Walter Sobchak : [pulls out a gun] Smokey you are about to enter a world of pain. Smokey : Yeah but... Walter Sobchak : [shouting] A world of pain. Smokey : Dude, could you... The Dude : Jesus Walter, you bring a fucking gun bowling? Walter Sobchak : [shouting] Has the whole world gone crazy? Am I the only one who pays attention to the rules any more? Smokey : Yeah but... Walter Sobchak : [shouting] You think i'm fucking around? I'm not fucking around! [points gun in Smokey's face] Walter Sobchak : Mark it zero! Fucking mark it zero. The Dude : They're calling the cops, man. Smokey : All right, its fucking zero. Are you happy now you crazy fuck? Walter Sobchak : ...Its a league game Smokey... The Dude : Who the fuck are the Kanutzsins? [when making the payoff] The Dude : Dude. Nihilist : [on the phone] Who is this? The Dude : Dude. The bag man, man. Where do you want us to go? Nihilist : Us? The Dude : [to Walter] Shit! [to Nihilist] The Dude : Uh. Yeah, uh. Me and, uh, the driver. I'm not handling the money, driving the car and talking on the phone all at the same time. Nihilist : Shut the fuck up. Walter Sobchak : Dude, are you fucking this up? Nihilist : Who the fuck is that? The Dude : That is the driver. [Nihilist hangs up] The Dude : Shit! Walter, you fuck... you fucked it up! You fucked it up! Her life was in our hands, man! Walter Sobchak : Nothing is fucked here, Dude. Come on, you're being very un-Dude. They'll call back. Walter Sobchak : Am I wrong? The Dude : No... Walter Sobchak : Am I wrong? The Dude : You're not wrong, Walter, you're just an asshole! [Being forced into a limousine] The Dude : Hey, careful, man, there's a beverage here! The Dude : And, you know, he's got emotional problems, man. Walter Sobchak : You mean... beyond pacifism? The Dude : Fuckin' Quintana... that creep can roll, man. Walter Sobchak : Yeah, but he's a pervert, Dude. The Dude : Yeah. Walter Sobchak : No, he's a sex offender. With a record. He served 6 months in Chino for exposing himself to an eight year old. The Dude : Oh! Walter Sobchak : When he moved to Hollywood he had to go door to door to tell everyone he was a pederast. Donny : What's a... pederast, Walter? Walter Sobchak : Shut the fuck up, Donny. Jesus Quintana : You ready to be fucked man? I see you rolled your way into the semis. Dios mio, man. Liam and me, we're gonna fuck you up. The Dude : Yeah, well, that's just, like, your opinion, man. Jesus Quintana : Let me tell you something, bandejo. You pull any of your crazy shit with us, you flash a piece out on the lanes, I'll take it away from you, stick it up your ass and pull the fucking trigger 'til it goes "click." The Dude : Jesus. Jesus Quintana : You said it man. Nobody fucks with the Jesus. Walter Sobchak : Eight year-olds, Dude. The Dude : What's in the fuckin' carrier? Walter Sobchak : Huh? Oh, that's Cynthia's dog. I think it's a Pomeranian. I can't leave him home alone or he eats the furniture. I'm watching him while Cynthia and Marty Ackerman are in Hawaii. The Dude : You brought the fuckin' Pomeranian bowling? Walter Sobchak : What do you mean brought it bowling, Dude? I didn't rent it shoes. I'm not buying it a fucking beer. He's not taking your fucking turn, Dude. The Dude : Man, if my fuckin' ex-wife asked me to take care of her fuckin' dog while she and her boyfriend went to Honolulu I'd tell her to go fuck herself. The Dude : Jackie Treehorn treats objects like women, man. The Dude : She's not my special lady friend, man. I'm just helping her conceive. Walter Sobchak : You have got to buck up, man. You cannot drag this negative energy in to the tournament! The Dude : Fuck the tournament... Fuck YOU, Walter! [pause] Walter Sobchak : Fuck the tournament? All right, I can see you don't want to be consoled here, Dude. Come on Donny, let's go get us a lane. The Dude : Jesus, man, could you change the channel? Cab Driver : Fuck you man. If you don't like my fuckin' music get your own fuckin' cab! The Dude : I had a rough... Cab Driver : I pull over and kick your ass out! The Dude : Come on, man. I had a rough night and I hate the fuckin' Eagles, man! Tony the Chauffeur : So he says "My wife's a pain in the ass. She's always busting my friggin' agates. My daughter's married to a real loser bastard. And I got a rash so bad on my ass, I can't even sit down. But you know me. I can't complain." The Dude : Fuckin' A, man. I got a rash, man. The Dude : Nobody calls me Lebowski. You got the wrong guy. I'm the Dude, man. Blond Treehorn Thug : Your name's Lebowski, Lebowski. Your wife is Bunny. The Dude : My... my wi-, my wife, Bunny? Do you see a wedding ring on my finger? Does this place look like I'm fucking married? The toilet seat's up, man! Brandt : Mr. Lebowski is prepared to make a generous offer to you to act as courier, once we get instructions for the money. The Dude : Why me, man? Brandt : He believes the culprits might be the very people who, uh, soiled your rug, and you are in a unique position to confirm or disconfirm that suspicion. The Dude : He thinks the carpet pissers did this? The Dude : Yeah, well. The Dude abides. The Stranger : The Dude abides. I don't know about you but I take comfort in that. It's good knowin' he's out there. The Dude. Takin' 'er easy for all us sinners. Shoosh. I sure hope he makes the finals. The Dude : The Dude abides. The Dude : Did you ever hear of "The Seattle Seven"? Maude Lebowski : Mmm. The Dude : That was me... and six other guys. Walter Sobchak : He lives in North Hollywood on Radford, near the In-and-Out Burger... The Dude : The In-and-Out Burger is on Camrose. Walter Sobchak : Near the In-and-Out Burger... Donny : Those are good burgers, Walter. Walter Sobchak : Shut the fuck up, Donny. Walter Sobchak : Those rich fucks! This whole fucking thing... I did not watch my buddies die face down in the muck so that this fucking strumpet... The Dude : I don't see any connection to Vietnam, Walter. Walter Sobchak : Well, there isn't a literal connection, Dude. The Dude : Walter, face it, there isn't any connection. The Stranger : Do you have to use so many cuss words? The Dude : What the fuck you talking about? The Dude : Fortunately, I'm adhering to a pretty strict, uh, drug, uh, regimen to keep my mind, you know, uh, limber. The Dude : Well, I still jerk off manually. The Dude : It's like what Lenin said... you look for the person who will benefit, and, uh, uh... Donny : I am the walrus. The Dude : You know what I'm trying to say... Walter Sobchak : That fucking bitch... Donny : I am the walrus. Walter Sobchak : shut the fuck up, Donny! V.I. Lenin. Vladimir Illanich Uleninov! The Dude : Let me explain something to you. Um, I am not Mr. Lebowski. You're Mr. Lebowski. I'm the Dude. So that's what you call me. You know, that or uh, His Dudeness, or uh, Duder, or El Duderino if you're not into the whole brevity thing. The Big Lebowski : Isn't that what makes a man? The Dude : Mmm, sure. That and a pair of testicles. Bunny Lebowski : I'll suck your cock for a thousand dollars. Brandt : Ah hahahahaha! Wonderful woman. We're all, we're all very fond of her. Very free-spirited. Bunny Lebowski : Brandt can't watch, though, or he has to pay a hundred. Brandt : Ah haha. That's marvelous. The Dude : Uh, I'm just gonna go find a cash machine. Maude Lebowski : Does the female form make you uncomfortable, Mr. Lebowski? The Dude : Uh, is that what this is a picture of? Maude Lebowski : In a sense, yes. My art has been commended as being strongly vaginal which bothers some men. The word itself makes some men uncomfortable. Vagina. The Dude : Oh yeah? Maude Lebowski : Yes, they don't like hearing it and find it difficult to say whereas without batting an eye a man will refer to his dick or his rod or his Johnson. The Dude : Johnson? Maude Lebowski : Do you like sex, Mr. Lebowski? The Dude : 'Scuse me? Maude Lebowski : Sex. The physical act of love. Coitus. Do you like it? The Dude : I was talking about my rug. Maude Lebowski : You're not interested in sex? The Dude : You mean coitus? Walter Sobchak : Were you listening to The Dude's story, Donny? The Dude : Walter... Donny : What? Walter Sobchak : Were you listening to The Dude's story? Donny : I was bowling. Walter Sobchak : So you have no frame of reference here, Donny. You're like a child who wanders into the middle of a movie and wants to know... The Dude : (interrupting) Walter, Walter, what's the point, man? Walter Sobchak : There's no reason - here's my point, dude, there's no fucking reason why these two... Donny : Yeah, Walter, what's your point? The Dude : ...I dropped off the money exactly as per - look... man, I've got certain information, all right? Certain things have come to light, and - y'know, has it ever occurred to you, that, instead of, uh, y'know, running around, uh, uh, blaming me, y'know, given the nature of all this new shit, y'know, i-i-i-i-this could be a-a-a-a lot more, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, complex, I mean, it's not just, it might not be just such a simple... uh, y'know? The Big Lebowski : What in God's holy name are you blathering about? [after recovering his car from the Auto circus] The Dude : Oh, Jesus, what's that smell, man? Auto Circus Cop : Yes, probably a vagrant slept in the car. Or maybe just used it as a toilet and moved on. The Dude : You thought that Bunny had been kidnapped and you were fuckin' glad, man. You could use it as an excuse to make some money disappear. You'd just met me... You human paraquat! You figured 'Oh, here's a loser. A deadbeat, someone the square community won't give a shit about. The Big Lebowski : Well, aren't you? The Dude : Well... yeah. Walter Sobchak : Am I wrong? The Dude : No. Walter Sobchak : Am I wrong? The Dude : Yeah. Walter Sobchak : Okay then. The Dude : Jesus, man, could you change the channel? Cab Driver : Fuck you man. If you don't like my fuckin' music get your own fuckin' cab! The Dude : I had a rough... Cab Driver : I pull over and kick your ass out! The Dude : Come on, man. I had a rough night and I hate the fuckin' Eagles, man! [after reporting the stolen car] The Dude : Do you find them much, these, stolen cars? Younger Cop : Sometimes. Wouldn't hold out much hope for the tape deck though. Older Cop : Or the Creedence. Walter Sobchak : Now so far, we have what appears to me to be a series of victimless crimes. The Dude : What about the toe? Walter Sobchak : Forget about the fucking toe! Coffee Shop Waitress : Excuse me, sir. Could you please keep your voices down? This is a family restaurant. Walter Sobchak : Oh please, dear? For your information, the Supreme Court has roundly rejected prior restraint. [while dunking the Dude's head in the toilet] Blond Treehorn Thug : Where's the money, Lebowski? Where's the fucking money, shithead? The Dude : It's uh... uh... it's down there somewhere, let me take another look. The Dude : Let me explain something to you. Um, I am not "Mr. Lebowski". You're Mr. Lebowski. I'm the Dude. So that's what you call me. You know, that or, uh, His Dudeness, or uh, Duder, or El Duderino if you're not into the whole brevity thing. Walter Sobchak : Am I wrong? The Dude : No you're not wrong. Walter Sobchak : Am I wrong? The Dude : You're not wrong Walter. You're just an asshole. Walter Sobchak : All right then. The Dude : We're screwed now! We don't get shit! They're going to kill her! We're fucked Walter! Walter Sobchak : Nothing is fucked Dude. C'mon, you're being very un-Dude. The Dude : My only hope is that the big Lebowski kills me before the Germans can cut my dick off. Da Fino, Private Snoop : Hey, I was wondering if you wanted to... you know, work together on this, you know what I mean? The Dude : Yeah, I know what you mean, fuck off Da Fino. Walter Sobchak : And look at it this way Dude, who's got a million fucking dollars in their trunk? Huh? The Dude : Their trunk? Walter Sobchak : Who's got a million fucking dollars in their fucking car? And whadda they got? My dirty undies... my fucking whites... Dude, where is your car? The Dude : Fuck... Walter Sobchak : It was parked in a handicapped zone, perhaps they towed it. The Dude : You fucking know its been stolen. Donny : Who's got your undies Walter? [Dude, Donny, and Walter walk out of bowling alley to find Dude's car gone] Walter Sobchak : It was parked in a handicapped zone, perhaps they towed it. The Dude : Fuck Walter you know it's been fucking stolen! Nihilist : We believe in nothing, Lebowski. Nothing. And tomorrow we come back and we cut off your chonson. The Dude : Excuse me? Nihilist : I said [shouting] Nihilist : "We'll cut off your johnson"! Nihilist : Just you think about that, Lebowski. Nihilist : Yeah, your wiggly penis, Lebowski. Nihilist : Yeah and maybe we stomp on it and squoosh it, Lebowski. The Dude : [on the phone] Of course the car made it home, you're calling me at home. No, Walter, it did NOT look like Larry was about to crack! [being shown a picture Bunny's old farm home] The Dude : Oh boy. How ya gonna keep 'em down on the farm once they've seen Karl Hungus. Younger Cop : And was there anything of value in the car? The Dude : Oh, uh, yeah, uh... a tape deck, some Creedence tapes, and there was a, uh... uh, my briefcase. Younger Cop : [expectant pause] In the briefcase? The Dude : Uh, uh, papers, um, just papers, uh, you know, uh, my papers, business papers. Younger Cop : And what do you do, sir? The Dude : I'm unemployed. The Big Lebowski : Are you employed sir? The Dude : Employed? The Big Lebowski : You don't go out looking for a job dressed like that? On a weekday? The Dude : Is this a... what day is this? The Big Lebowski : Well, I do work sir, so if you don't mind. The Dude : "I do mind, the Dude minds. This will not stand, ya know, this aggression will not stand man. [the Nihilists invade the Dude's bathroom accompanied by a trained rodent] The Dude : Hey, nice marmot! The Dude : Mr. Treehorn treats objects like women, man. Malibu Police Chief : Mr. Treehorn draws a lot of water in this town. You don't draw shit, Lebowski. Now we got a nice, quiet little beach community here, and I aim to keep it nice and quiet. So let me make something plain. I don't like you sucking around, bothering our citizens, Lebowski. I don't like your jerk-off name. I don't like your jerk-off face. I don't like your jerk-off behavior, and I don't like you, jerk-off. Do I make myself clear? The Dude : [after a pause] I'm sorry, I wasn't listening. Bunny Lebowski : Blow on them. The Dude : You want me to blow on your toes? Bunny Lebowski : I can't blow that far. The Dude : Are you sure he won't mind? Bunny Lebowski : Ulli doesn't care about anything. He's a Nihilist. The Dude : Ah. Must be exhausting. The Dude : This is the fuckin' guy! I can find this fuckin' Lebowski guy! Donny : His name's Lebowski? That's your name, Dude! The Dude : Yes, Walter, I think there is a hidden message here. It's "FUCK YOU, WALTER, LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!" Yeah, I'll see you at practice on Wednesday. The Dude : Who are you, anyway? Knox Harrington : Oh, just a friend of Maudie's. The Dude : A friend with a cleft asshole? Maude Lebowski : Uli Hauff? Her Co-Star in The Beaver Picture? The Dude : Beaver? uhhhh you mean vagina? WAIT you know this guy? Maude Lebowski : Oh I might have introduced him for all I know, *looks at her eccentric artist friend Knox* you remember Uli? Knox Harrington : yahmmmmm The Dude : At least I'm housebroken. The Dude : [looking at a picture of the Little Lebowski Urban Acheivers] And these are uh... Brandt : Oh, those are Mister Lebowski's children. The Dude : Different mothers. Brandt : No... The Dude : So racially, he's pretty cool? The Dude : I'm sorry your stepmother is a nympho. The Dude : Walter, I love you, but sooner or later, you're going to have to realize the fact that you're a god damn moron. The Dude : Just take it easy man. Walter Sobchak : I'm perfectly calm Dude. The Dude : shouting Yeah, waving the f*cking gun around? Walter Sobchak : Calmer than you are. The Dude : Will you just take it easy? Walter Sobchak : Calmer than you are. The Dude : Ah, fuck it. The Big Lebowski : Fuck it! Yes! That's your answer for everything! Tattoo it on your forehead! The Dude : Oh, fuck me, man! That kid already spent all the money! Walter Sobchak : New Corvette? Hardly, Dude. I'd say he's still got about $960 - $970,000 left, depending on the options. The Dude : I could be just sitting at home with pee stains on my rug. The Dude : Well, they finally did it. They killed my fucking car. The Dude : I only said I THOUGHT she kidnapped herself. You're the one who's so fucking certain! Walter Sobchak : That's right, Dude. 100% certain. The Dude : Look, nothing is fucked, here, man. The Big Lebowski : Nothing is fucked? [shouting] The Big Lebowski : The god damn plane has crashed into the mountain! Walter Sobchak : Is this your homework, Larry? Is this your homework, Larry? The Dude : Look, man... Walter Sobchak : Dude, please? Is this your homework, Larry? The Dude : Just ask him about the car. Walter Sobchak : Is this yours, Larry? Is this your homework, Larry? The Dude : Is that your car out front? Walter Sobchak : Is this your homework, Larry? The Dude : We know it's his fucking homework! Where's the fucking money, you little brat? Walter Sobchak : Look, Larry. Have you ever heard of Vietnam? The Dude : Oh, for Christ's sake, Walter... Walter Sobchak : You're entering a world of pain, son. We know that this is your homework. We know that you stole a car. The Dude : And the fucking money. Walter Sobchak : And the fucking money. And, we know that this is your homework. The Dude : We're going to cut your dick off, Larry. Walter Sobchak : You're killing your father, Larry! The Big Lebowski : What in God's holy name are you blathering about? The Dude : What I'm blathering about - new shit has come to light, man. She owes money all over town, including to known pornographers, and that's cool... that's cool, and of course they're going to say that they didn't get the money, because... she wants more, man! She's got to feed the monkey... Walter Sobchak : That's not her toe, Dude. The Dude : Then whose toe is it, Walter? Walter Sobchak : How the fuck should I know? The Dude : Walter... Walter Sobchak : What? The Dude : What the fuck does Vietnam have to do with anything? Jackie Treehorn: People forget the brain is the biggest sex organ. The Dude : On you maybe. [Walter and The Dude are talking about the "Chinaman" who urinated on The Dude's rug] Walter Sobchak : Oh, and Dude, "Chinaman" is not the prefered nomenclature. Asian American, please. The Dude : Jeez, Walter, I'm not talking about the guys who built the fucking railroad here. The Big Lebowski : Your revolution is over, Mr. Lebowski. Condolences. The bums lost. My advice is to do what your parents did; get a job, sir. The bums will always lose. Do you hear me, Lebowski? [The Dude walks out and shuts the door] The Big Lebowski : The bums will always lose! Brandt : How was your meeting, Mr. Lebowski? The Dude : Okay. The old man told me to take any rug in the house. Da Fino, Private Snoop : I'm a Brother Seamus! The Dude : A Brother Seamus? What... like an Irish monk? Da Fino, Private Snoop : ...What the fuck are you talking about? Da Fino, the Private Snoop: Hey, I was wondering if you wanted to... you know, work together on this, you know what I mean? The Dude : Yeah, I know what you mean, fuck off Da Fino. The Dude : This is a private residence, man! Maude Lebowski : Now, what happened to your face? Did Jackie Treehorn do that as well? The Dude : Ah, no that was the chief of police of Malibu. A real reactionary. [after the chief of police throws a coffee mug at his head] The Dude : Ow! Fucking fascist! The Dude : Your money is being held by a kid named Larry Sellers. Real fucking brat, but I'm sure your goons can get it off him. I mean, he's fifteen. [pause] The Dude : Flunking social studies. [the Dude has been drugged and is semi-conscious] The Dude : So if you could just write me a check for ten percent of a million dollars... five grand... Maude Lebowski : [watching Logjamming The Porn Movie] You can guess what happens next. The Dude : He fixes the cable? Movie Title: Tucker: The Man and His Dream (1988) as Preston Tucker: Preston Tucker : Isn't that the idea? To build a better mouse trap? Abe : Not if you're a mouse! Movie Title: Arlington Road (1999) as Michael Faraday: Oliver Lang : Listen! If you love your son, you will go to your house, you will sleep in your bed, you will teach your class, and you will stop making inquires about me! Michael Faraday : Oh, how many people are you going to kill? Oliver Lang : Well, if I see any strange car parked on my street or if you feel compelled to talk to someone, a federal agent perhaps, I rekon we're only going to kill one. Movie Title: The Last Picture Show (1971) as Duane Jackson: [Telephone Conversation] Duane Jackson : Hi Jacy, it's Duane. Jacy Farrow : What's on your feeble mind Duane? Movie Title: Tron (1982) as CLU / Kevin Flynn: Kevin Flynn : On the other side of the screen, it all looks so easy. Master Control Program : You're in trouble, program. Why don't you make it easy on yourself. Who's your user? CLU : Forget it, mister high-and-mighty Master Control! You're not going to make me talk! Master Control Program : Suit yourself. Alan Bradley : You invented Space Paranoids? Kevin Flynn : Paranoids, Matrix Blaster, Vice Squad, a whole slew of them. I was this close to starting my own little enterprise, man. But enter another software engineer. Not so young, not so bright, but very very sneaky. Ed Dillinger. So one night, our boy Flynn, he goes to his terminal, tries to read up his file. I get nothing on there, it's a big blank. Okay, now we take you three months later. Dillinger presents Encom with five video games, that's HE'S invented. The slime didn't even change the names, man! He gets a big, fat promotion. And thus begins his meteoric rise to - -what is he now? Executive VP? Lora : Senior exec. Kevin Flynn : SENIOR exec...? [sighs] Kevin Flynn : Meanwhile, the kids are putting eight million quarters A WEEK into Paranoids machines. I don't see a dime except what I squeeze out of here. [A Bit flies around Flynn's head in a Recognizer] Kevin Flynn : Hey! Hold it right there! Bit: Yes. Kevin Flynn : What do you mean, "yes"? Bit: Yes. Kevin Flynn : Is that all you can say? Bit: No. Kevin Flynn : Know anything else? Bit: Yes. Kevin Flynn : Positive and negative, huh. You're a bit, aren't you? Bit: Yes. Kevin Flynn : Well, where's your program? Isn't he going to miss you? Bit: No. Kevin Flynn : I'M your program? Bit: Yes. Kevin Flynn : I've got a mouth to feed. Bit: Yesyesyesyes! [Flynn is flying a Recognizer] Kevin Flynn : Pretty good driving, huh? [Crash!] Bit: No! Kevin Flynn : Who asked you? Kevin Flynn : I hate to disappoint you pal but most of the time that's the way it is for users too. Tron : Stranger and stranger. Kevin Flynn : Greetings, programs! Kevin Flynn : It's time I leveled with you. I'm what you guys call a User. Yori : You're a User? Kevin Flynn : I kinda took a wrong turn somewhere. Guard: Vacate entry port, program! I said, move! Kevin Flynn : Hey! Look, if this is about those parking tickets, I can explain everything, okay? Kevin Flynn : You were never much for small talk, were you? [to Alan] Kevin Flynn : She still leave her clothes all over the floor? Lora : Flynn! Alan Bradley : No! Lora : Alan! Alan Bradley : I mean, not that often. Lora : Now you can see why all his friends are 14 years old! Alan Bradley : Flynn, are you embezzling? Kevin Flynn : "Embezzling" is such an ugly word, Mr. Bradley. Kevin Flynn : Oh man, this isn't happening, it only thinks it's happening. Kevin Flynn : Who's that? Warrior #1 : That's Tron. He fights for the Users. Movie Title: Against All Odds (1984) as Terry Brogan: Jake Wise : What the hell made you think you could handle Jessie? I bet you used to bring her home flowers. Terry Brogan : No, you don't have to do that when you're living in the jungle. You just take her outside and show her what tree you're going to do it under tonight. Hell, we had lots of trees. |
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