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 John Turturro QuotationMovie Title: Collateral Damage (2002) as Sean Armstrong / Armstrong: [As Armstrong notices Guerillas] Sean Armstrong : Don't even look at those guys unless you can kill 'em. Gordon Brewer : Hey, sell me your pass so I can work the zone. Armstrong : Would you stick a sock in it "Jolly Green"? I'm just a wrench for hire. Movie Title: Fearless (1993) as Dr. Bill Perlman: Dr. Bill Perlman : She won't talk. Very Catholic. Old World, you know. Full of guilt, shame. Max Klein : I'm full of guilt and shame. How is that Old World? Dr. Bill Perlman : He and your wife are the only survivors I can't reach. She won't talk and he won't admit the crash was bad. Manny Rodrigo : Is that right? He says it was good? Dr. Bill Perlman : Says it was the best thing that ever happened to him. Movie Title: The Luzhin Defence (2000) as Aleksandr Ivanovich Luzhin: Aleksandr Ivanovich Luzhin : There's a pattern emerging, a definite pattern. Not Turati. I repeat that game. I've beaten him. And his moves are repeated, repeated, repeated moves. I must keep track... of every second. Every second I must keep track of, every second. Natalia Katkov : It sounds like such a lonely battle. Aleksandr Ivanovich Luzhin : As Pushkin's doomed duelist said, "Let's start if you're willing." Movie Title: Box of Moon Light (1996) as Al Fountain: Luvven Coddle : I sense a - a yearning in you - a - a searching - almost - as if you're lost. You've been lost for a long, long time. Am I right?... You found Jesus, Al. Al Fountain : Why? Is he missing? Movie Title: Jungle Fever (1991) as Paulie Carbone: Charlie Tucci : Are you fucking my sister? Paulie Carbone : What kind of question is that? Charlie Tucci : It's a good question. Lou Carbone : You hate your own father! Paulie Carbone : I'd like to kill you, but I don't hate you. Movie Title: Quiz Show (1994) as Herbie Stemple: Herbie Stemple : I love my wife, but it's like living with a plague of locusts. Herbie Stemple : You know why they call them Indians? Because Columbus thought he was in India. They're "Indians" because some white guy got lost. Herbie Stemple : Come and see Herbie Stempel get thrown to the Columbia lions! Watch Charles Van Doren eat his first kosher meal in his life. Herbie Stemple : You wanna be worshipped? Go to India and moo. Herbie Stemple : And they love me for the same reason they used to hate me, because I'm the guy who knows everything. Herbie Stemple : [referring to television] That box is the biggest thing since Gutenberg invented the printing press, and I'm the biggest thing on it. Herbie Stemple : Don't do this to me, it's humiliating. Enright : For seventy grand, Herb, you can afford to be humiliated. Mrs. Stemple: I know what you're gonna accomplish, I just don't know what he's gonna accomplish. Herbie Stemple : You want to know what? If I do nothing else I will convince them that Hebert Stemple knows what won the God-damned Academy Award for best God-damned picture of 1955; that's what I'm gonna accomplish. Toby Stempel : My mother wants to know why you only went for eight on the movies. Herbie Stemple : Because my real expertise is pain-in-the-ass in-laws, all right? [To a reporter outside the committee hearing] Herbie Stemple : You know what the problem with you bums is? You never leave a guy alone unless you're leaving him alone. Movie Title: Brain Donors (1992) as Roland T. Flakfizer / Flakfizer: Roland T. Flakfizer : And that spells cash with a capital... Jacques : K! Roland T. Flakfizer : You should go back to school. Jacques : I hated teaching. [Wondering where Flakfizer has hidden his lover] Lazlo : Ah! Your suite! Roland T. Flakfizer : You're pretty terrific yourself. Jacques : Are you Roland T. Flakfizer? Flakfizer : That all depends. Do I owe you money? Jacques : No. Flakfizer : In a drunken stupor, did I promise to marry you? Jacques : No. Flakfizer : Then I'm your man! Flakfizer : Let's step outside and settle this like men! Volare : We are outside. Flakfizer : OK, let's step inside and settle it like women. Roland T. Flakfizer : Money's no object! It isn't mine! Roland T. Flakfizer : I didn't know the meaning of the word "no," but he had it down pretty good. Roland T. Flakfizer : Some day you'll have my children. In fact, they're in the car if you want them. Roland T. Flakfizer : If there's anything I can ever do for you... forget it, because I don't do those kinds of things. Rocco Melonchek : You're lying. Roland T. Flakfizer : Of course I am, but hear me out! Roland T. Flakfizer : Please, call me what everyone else calls me: "Your Royal Sex Machine." Roland T. Flakfizer : Sorry, two's company, and three's an adult movie. Tina : Was that the doorbell? Roland T. Flakfizer : That wasn't you? Lillian Oglethorpe : Then it's settled. I am so excited. Roland T. Flakfizer : You're excited? Feel these nipples. Roland T. Flakfizer : And she looks like she's about fifteen. Lazlo : No, no, no. Roland T. Flakfizer : Okay, fourteen then. In fact I know she's fourteen, because I was dating her a year ago. Roland T. Flakfizer : Dear Lillian, soon I hope to take you on a Carribbean cruise, where we can hold hands on a soft summer's evening and watch that old Jamaican moon. Why that old Jamaican will be mooning us, I have no idea. Roland T. Flakfizer : I'm all out of American currency. Here, take a fistful of Romanian fifties. Roland T. Flakfizer : "No?" Flakfizer doesn't know the MEANING of the word "No!" We're also a little fuzzy on "panaglutin" and "viscosity." Roland T. Flakfizer : It's said that behind every great man there is a great woman, and I'm glad the woman behind me is Lillian; because, quite frankly, I enjoy the shade. [The amount on a taxi meter is rising quickly] Roland T. Flakfizer : Aren't those numbers going by a little fast? Rocco Melonchek : You're probably just a speed reader. Roland T. Flakfizer : So, do you enjoy being a cab driver? Rocco Melonchek : Nah. As soon as I get my driver's license, I'm quitting. Rocco Melonchek : We'll have to perform a full rectum-ology. Roland T. Flakfizer : Fondue, an epidemic! drop those pants... Not you, the patient. Doctor: I thought you were cardiologists... Rocco Melonchek : Uh, well, they're all connected, we enter the rectum and head north. Roland T. Flakfizer : Why do you think we have such long instruments? Flakfizer : [Talking on cellular phone] How did the market close? Uh-huh. Well, roll over my amalgamated, split my utilities, and double my capital venture overlays. Now call me in an hour, and tell me what the hell I'm talking about! Movie Title: To Live and Die in L.A. (1985) as Carl Cody: Eric 'Rick' Masters : How you making it? Carl Cody : Like every other swinging dick in this place makes it. Day by motherfucking day. Eric 'Rick' Masters : You have my word you won't have to do the whole nickel. Carl Cody : What does that mean? Eric 'Rick' Masters : Grimes is the best lawyer in the state. It'll either be an appeal bond or a sentence reduction. Carl Cody : And the check is in the mail, and I love you, and I promise not to come in your mouth . . . Carl Cody : He's a lying son of a bitch! He's probably the motherfucker who did me. He ratted me to the feds. I'll kill him when I get out! I'm gonna give that fuckin' scumbag a serious headache. May God strike me dead if I don't waste him. Richard Chance : I wanna get Rick Masters. Carl Cody : I've taken four falls, I've never ratted anybody in my life, and I've had plenty of chances, believe me. Richard Chance : Masters is your friend. I don't blame you, I would never hang up a friend. Anybody who would is a piece of shit. Thing is, your friend tried to have you iced. Carl Cody : That doesn't mean I'm gonna roll over and play informer. If you're looking for a pigeon, go to the park. Movie Title: Barton Fink (1991) as Barton: [Barton is ranting about elitist playwrights] Barton : Who cares about the fifth Earl of Bathsdrop and Lady Higgenbottom and... and... who killed Nigel Grinchgibbons? Charlie : I can feel my butt gettin' sore already! Barton : Have you read the Bible, Pete? Pete : Holy Bible? Barton : Yeah. Pete : Yeah, I think so. Anyway, I've heard about it. Mastrionotti : What do you do, Fink? Barton : I write. Deutsch : Oh yeah? What kind of write? Barton : Well, as a matter of fact I write for the pictures. Mastrionotti : Big fuckin' deal. Deutsch : You want my partner to kiss your ass? Mastrionotti : Would that be good enough for you? Barton : No, I - I didn't mean to sound... Deutsch : What did you mean? Barton : I - I've got respect for - for working guys, like you... Mastrionotti : Jesus! Ain't that a load off! Mastrionotti : Fink. That's a Jewish name, isn't it? Barton : Yeah. Mastrionotti : Yeah, I didn't think this dump was restricted. Geisler : Look, you confused? You need guidance? Talk to another writer. Barton : Who? Geisler : Jesus, throw a rock in here, you'll hit one. And do me a favor, Fink: throw it hard. Barton : Sex? He's a man! We wrestled! Barton : Are you in pictures? Beauty : Don't be silly. [Questioning Fink about Mundt] Detective Deutsch : What else? Barton : Trying to think. Nothing, really. He... he said he liked Jack Oakie pictures. Detective Mastrionotti : You know, ordinarily we say anything you might remember could be helpful. But I'll be frank with you, Fink. That is not helpful. Detective Deutsch : Notice how he's not writing it down? [Being harrassed at the USO club] Barton : I'm a writer, you monsters! I create! I create for a living! I'm a creator! I am a creator! This is my uniform. [To Barton, while trying to get Barton to go to Hollywood] Garland : The common man will still be here when you get back. Who knows, there may even be one or two of them in Hollywood. Barton : That's a rationalization, Garland. Garland : Barton, it was a joke. Movie Title: Miller's Crossing (1990) as Bernie: Tom Reagan : So what's the deal, you get to live and Verna has to be Leo's girl? Bernie : I have nothing to do with that, she'll sleep with anyone Tom, you know that! She even tried to teach me a thing or two about bed antics once. Some crackpot idea about saving me from my friends. She's a sick twist all right. Tom Reagan : She speaks highly of you. Bernie : Yeah, well, you stick by your family. Bernie : Look in your heart! Look in your heart! Tom Reagan : What heart? Bernie : Don't smart me! See I wanna watch you squirm; I wanna see you sweat a little, and when you smart me... it ruins it. Movie Title: Unstrung Heroes (1995) as Sid Lidz: Sid Lidz : Everything can be broken down to numbers. Science will be earth's salvation. Sid Lidz : He doesn't know what he believes. My brothers filled him with all that junk. [refering to his son reading the Torah] Sid Lidz : . Selma Lidz : Maybe they're right for once. What would you know? You work ten hours a day and then you lock yourself in that workshop. What do you know about the world? Maybe there is a God, or maybe some of us want to believe there is. Sid Lidz : Religion is a crutch. Only cripples need crutches. Arthur Lidz : A crutch isn't bad if you need it, Sidney. Danny Lidz : All of us are cripples in some way. Sid Lidz : Well, I'm not. Sid Lidz : What's the highest number? Uncle Melvin : 6000 Uncle Melvin : Want to know why? That's how much is in my bank account. Movie Title: Summer of Sam (1999) as The Dog: The Dog : Kill. Kill. Kill. Movie Title: Mr. Deeds (2002) as Emilio: Emilio : How can I ever pay you back, Deeds? Longfellow Deeds : All I want is you're friendship, man. Emilio : How about a billion dollars? Longfellow Deeds : Ok, that's fine too. Longfellow Deeds : Whoa, you kinda snuck up on me there... Emilio : I am, very very sneaky Sr. [Longfellow Deeds is showing Emilio his frostbitten foot] Emilio : The hideousness of that foot will haunt my dreams forever. Longfellow Deeds : Oh, yeah. I've heard that before Emilio : I fear you are underestimating the sneakiness sir. Emilio : Usually, when you are black out drunk you don't dream... or so I read. Emilio : Here take an aspirin.They make your head seem smaller. Movie Title: Do the Right Thing (1989) as Pino: Mookie : Pino, fuck you, fuck your fuckin' pizza, and fuck Frank Sinatra. Pino : Yeah? Well fuck you too, and fuck Michael Jackson. Pino : I detest this place like a sickness. Sal : Pino, get a broom and sweep out front. Pino : Vito, get a broom and sweep out front. Vito : Huh? Pino : Get a broom and sweep out front. Vito : What? Pino : GET A BROOM AND SWEEP OUT FRONT! Vito : See Pop, it's just what I was telling ya, everytime you tell Pino what to do, he tells me to do what you told him what to do. Movie Title: Grace of My Heart (1996) as Joel Millner: Joel Millner : You look like a vampire. Eat your hamburger. All that health food stuff will kill you. Movie Title: Thirteen Conversations About One Thing (2001) as Walker: Walker : it's perverse, isn't it? people spend years developing their minds and educating themselves, but in the end, they just want to shut them off. Walker : Why do you wanna be a doctor anyhow? Chris Hammond : So I can help people. Walker : How? By keeping them alive to day so you can prolong their misery until tomorrow? Movie Title: The Big Lebowski (1998) as Jesus Quintana: Jesus Quintana : What is this "day of rest" shit? What is this bullshit, man? I don't fucking care! It don't matter to Jesus! But you're not fooling me! You might fool the fucks in the league office, but you don't fool Jesus! It's bush league psych-out stuff! Laughable, man! I would've fucked you in the ass Saturday, I'll fuck you in the ass next Wednesday instead! Jesus Quintana : What's this day of rest shit? What's this bullshit? I don't fuckin' care! It don't matter to Jesus. But you're not foolin' me, man. You might fool the fucks in the league office, but you don't fool Jesus. This bush league psyche-out stuff. Laughable, man - ha ha! I was gonna fuck you in the ass Saturday. I fuck you in the ass next Wednesday instead. Wooo! You got a date Wednesday, baby! Jesus Quintana : You ready to be fucked man? I see you rolled your way into the semis. Dios mio, man. Liam and me, we're gonna fuck you up. The Dude : Yeah, well, that's just, like, your opinion, man. Jesus Quintana : Let me tell you something, bandejo. You pull any of your crazy shit with us, you flash a piece out on the lanes, I'll take it away from you, stick it up your ass and pull the fucking trigger 'til it goes "click." The Dude : Jesus. Jesus Quintana : You said it man. Nobody fucks with the Jesus. Walter Sobchak : Eight year-olds, Dude. Movie Title: Monk (2002) as Ambrose Monk: [Discussing their estranged father] Ambrose Monk : Why aren't you out there looking for him? Adrian Monk : Because I'm afraid I might find him. Movie Title: Anger Management (2003) as Chuck: Chuck : Here's my phone number. [Dave reads it] Dave Buznik : "I'm going to kill you bitch"? Chuck : Oh sorry. That's a letter I'm writing to Geraldo Rivera. Chuck : I think Eskimos are smug. Chuck : I still remember the war... Dave Buznik : Oh, yeah? Chuck : Yeah... Remember waking up to the sound of bombs dropping and children screaming... Dave Buznik : Oh, you were in Vietnam? Chuck : No... Grenada. Dave Buznik : Didn't that, like, last only 12 hours? Chuck : What, do you think you're better than me, 'cause you got both your nuts? Chuck : You're gonna come down here before the black wolf swallows my brain! AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! Movie Title: Search and Destroy (1995) as Ron: Ron : You ever been laid, Kim? Kim : No, never; what's it like? Movie Title: O Brother, Where Art Thou? (2000) as Pete: Pete : The Preacher said it absolved us. Ulysses Everett McGill : For him, not for the law. I'm surprised at you, Pete, I gave you credit for more brains than Delmar. Delmar O'Donnell : But they was witnesses that seen us redeemed. Ulysses Everett McGill : That's not the issue Delmar. Even if that did put you square with the Lord, the State of Mississippi's a little more hard-nosed. Pete : Wait a minute. Who elected you leader of this outfit? Ulysses Everett McGill : Well Pete, I figured it should be the one with the capacity for abstract thought. But if that ain't the consensus view, then hell, let's put it to a vote. Pete : Suits me. I'm voting for yours truly. Ulysses Everett McGill : Well I'm voting for yours truly too. [Everett and Pete look at Delmar for the deciding vote] Delmar O'Donnell : Okay... I'm with you fellas. Pete : Who elected you leader of this outfit? Ulysses Everett McGill : Well Pete, I figured it should be the one with the capacity for abstract thought. Pete : What's the devil look like? Ulysses Everett McGill : Well, Pete, there are all manner of lesser imps and demons, but the great Satan hisself is red and scaly with a bifurcated tail, and he carries a hay fork. Tommy Johnson : Oh no, sir. He's white, as white as you folks, with empty eyes and a big hollow voice. He likes to travel around with a mean old hound. Pete : You stole from my kin! Ulysses Everett McGill : Who was fixin' to betray us. Pete : You didn't know that at the time. Ulysses Everett McGill : So I borrowed it until I did know. Pete : That don't make no sense! Ulysses Everett McGill : Pete, it's a fool that looks for logic in the chambers of the human heart. Pete : Since we been followin' your lead, we ain't got nothing but trouble. Delmar O'Donnell : We thought you was a toad! Pete : What? Delmar O'Donnell : [leaning in, speaking slower] We thought you was a toad! Ulysses Everett McGill : The treasure is still there boys, believe me. Delmar O'Donnell : But how'd he know about the treasure? Ulysses Everett McGill : I don't know Delmar. The blind are reputed to possess sensitivities compensating for their lack of sight, even to the point of developing paranormal psychic powers. Now, clearly seeing into the future would fall into neatly into that category; its not so surprising then that an organism deprived of its earthly vision... Pete : He said we wouldn't get get it. He said we wouldn't get the treasure we seek on account of our ob-stac-les. Ulysses Everett McGill : Well what the hell does he know, he's just an ignorant old man? Pete : Do not seek the treasure! Pete : My pa always said "Never trust a Hogwallop!" Ulysses Everett McGill : Well, I guess hard times flush the chump. Everybody's lookin' for answers... Where the hell's he goin'? [As Delmar runs out to be baptized] Pete : Well, I'll be a son of a bitch. Delmar's been saved! Ulysses Everett McGill : Pete's cousin turned us in for the bounty. Pete : The hell you say! Wash is kin! Washington Hogwallop : Sorry, Pete, I know we're kin, but they got this depression on. I got to do for me and mine. Pete : I'm gonna kill you, Judas Iscariot Hogwallop! Ulysses Everett McGill : The old tactician has got a plan. For the transportation that is, I don't know how I'm gonna keep my coiffure in order. Pete : How's this a plan? How we gonna get a car? Ulysses Everett McGill : Sell that. I figure it can only have painful association for Wash. Pete : [reading] "To Washington Bartholomew Hogwallop, from his loving Cora. Amor Fidel... is." Ulysses Everett McGill : It was in his bureau. I figure it'll fetch us enough cash for a good used auto-voiture, and a little left over besides. Pete : Well I'll be a sonofabitch. Delmar's been saved. Delmar O'Donnell : Well that's it, boys. I've been redeemed. The preacher's done warshed away all my sins and transgressions. It's the straight and narrow from here on out, and heaven everlasting's my reward. Ulysses Everett McGill : Delmar, what are you talking about? We've got bigger fish to fry. Delmar O'Donnell : The preacher says all my sins is warshed away, including that Piggly Wiggly I knocked over in Yazoo. Ulysses Everett McGill : I thought you said you was innocent of those charges? Delmar O'Donnell : Well I was lyin'. And the preacher says that that sin's been warshed away too. Neither God nor man's got nothin' on me now. C'mon in boys, the water is fine. Ulysses Everett McGill : Ain't you gonna introduce us, Pete? Pete : I don't know their names. I seen 'em first! Pete : You ruined my life! [while being choked] Ulysses Everett McGill : I do apologize about that Pete. Movie Title: Secret Window (2004) as John Shooter: John Shooter : Thought you didn't smoke. Mort : I took it up recently, for my health. John Shooter : Are you all right, Mr. Rainy? It sounded like you pitched a fit or something in there. Mort : I'm just peachy, Mr. Shooter. How are you? John Shooter : You stole my story. Mort : I'm... I'm sorry, do I... I don't believe I know you. John Shooter : I know that, that doesn't matter, I know you Mr. Rainey, that's what matters. You stole my story. [holding out his manuscript to Mort] Mort : You're mistaken. I don't read manuscripts. John Shooter : You read this one already. You stole it. Mort : I can assure you... John Shooter : I know you can. I know that. I don't want to be assured. Mort : If you want to talk to somebody about some grievance you feel you may have, you can call my literary agent. John Shooter : This is between you and me. [sees Chico under him] John Shooter : We don't need no outsiders, Mr. Rainey. Mort : I don't like being accused of plagiarism, if that is in fact what you are accusing me of. Chico inside! [Chico goes back inside] John Shooter : I don't blame you for not liking it but you did it. Mort : You're gonna have to leave. I have nothing more to say. John Shooter : Yeah, I'll go. We'll talk more later. [hands the manuscript to Mort to take it] Mort : I'm not taking that. John Shooter : Won't do you no good to play games with me, Mr. Rainey. This has got to be settled. Mort : As far as I'm concerned it is. |
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