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 Larry Linville Quotation(when asked whom he'd based his infamous Frank Burns character on) "Every idiot I've ever known." Movie Title: M*A*S*H (1972) as Frank Burns: Frank Burns : Why does everyone take an instant dislike to me? Trapper : It saves time, Frank. Frank Burns : It's nice to be nice... to the nice. Frank Burns : Funny thing, war: never have so many suffered so much so so few could be so happy. Margaret : We're lucky to be two of the few and not the many. Frank Burns : I know, darling, and I love being both of us. Frank Burns : Spontaneity has its time and its place. Frank Burns : What would have happened in 1776 if our brave Minutemen soldiers on their way to Lexington and Concord had to worry about toilet paper? Hawkeye : So we would have had independence ten minutes later. [looking at Klinger] Frank Burns : What's he doing in here? Hawkeye : Sharing our tent. Frank Burns : Not on your nelly. Won't catch me sleeping with an enlisted men. Hawkeye : Frank... just wrap yourself in a flag and go to sleep. Trapper : And don't get in bed with that gun... that's an order. Frank Burns : A Captain can't give a Major an order. Hawkeye : Then it's a threat. [Short pause] Frank Burns : Oh that's different... it was a great war until you guys showed up. [Hawkeye, Trapper, Burns, and Hot Lips are meeting several Majors] Margaret : Major, Major Houlihan. Major: Major Houlihan. Major Burns. Frank Burns : Major. Major. Hawkeye : Major Pierce. Well, I think we've made a "major" breakthrough. Frank Burns : The last thing I'm going to give you ghouls is any of my blood. Hawkeye : [to Trapper] Ghouls? What a nice thing to call us vampires. Frank Burns : I love it here. Col. Potter : Either you or Klinger is nuts. Now I have to decide which one. [South Koreans are being taught to speak English] Frank Burns : We're making real progress. Hawkeye : I can tell. You have a Korean accent. Colonel Flagg : This won't look good on your record. Frank Burns : But colonel, it's just Reader's Digest. Colonel Flagg : Not if you eliminate the third, fifth, and sixth letters, then it's Red's Digest, comrade. [Henry is appointing a head surgeon] Frank Burns : I'm well prepared, sir. Henry Blake : Good, Frank. 'Cause I'm giving the job to Pierce. Frank Burns : WHAT? You can't. I won't stand for it. Henry Blake : Frank. The one thing that will get you nowhere with me is impersonating my wife. Now, I think that Pierce is the most fully competent surgeon around here, specializing in both chest and general surgery. Frank Burns : Are you suggesting he's a better surgeon than I am? Henry Blake : Yes. When the heat's on. Radar : Sir, I was just crossing the compound when... Frank Burns : I have no interest in the compound. Corporal Klinger : He has no compound-interest. Frank Burns : I'm sick of hearing about the wounded. What about all the thousands of wonderful guys who are fighting this war without any of the credit or the glory that always goes to those lucky few who just happen to get shot. Frank Burns : It's the way these yellow devils think. It's burned into their brains. Kill Americans, kill, kill. They don't respect human life the way we do. I'd like to take him out and shoot him. Frank Burns : Why don't you guys like me? Hawkeye : Because you're a lousy doctor and a rotten person. Frank Burns : Aside from that. B.J. : Well, there's your pimples. Frank Burns : My pores won't close. Frank Burns : All right, where's my razor? Hawkeye : Been shaving your legs again, Frank? Trapper : Personally, I think you should grow a beard, Frank. Frank Burns : Sure. Trapper : No, really. The women love it. Hawkeye : Here, I'll prove it. [walks over to Frank] Hawkeye : Kiss me. [Hawkeye and Trapper are doing obscene gestures behind Frank's back when he suddenly turns around] Frank Burns : A-ha. I caught you. Trapper : Doing what? Frank Burns : Doing those obscene gestures behind my back. Hawkeye : Oh, yeah? Which one? Frank Burns : You know, the one... [starts to do it] Frank Burns : Klinger, how dare you wear that hat while in uniform. Corporal Klinger : It's spring, sir. |
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