|
|
|
|
 |
|
 Ben Affleck Quotation"Sometimes it's Britney Spears, and sometimes it's Carrie Fisher. I can't tell if I have a Lolita Complex or an Oedipus Complex." - about the celebrity women the tabloids falsely link him to. "I feel like fame is wasted on me." On tabloid coverage of his life - "It feels like being in a soap opera that you were unwittingly cast in and you have no choice about it. I get to watch my life like everyone else and think 'I can't believe they did that'. And, for whatever reason, you become less special for movie audiences. It cheapens the brand if you want to look at it in a really crass sense. But I figure it has to go away at some point. Eventually someone will come along and have a sex tape or someone will play grab-ass with some kids and I'll be off page one." "Everyone's entitled to express their political beliefs. I don't presume to tell anybody who to vote for. I am comfortable telling people what my opinions are. But you have to look also to the media, where you have a vast majority of the loudest and most influential political voices in America media from people who came from the entertainment world. You have Rush Limbaugh, was a radio disc jockey. 'Bill O'Reilly (I)' came from Movie Title: Inside Edition. Michael Moore's a filmmaker. Al Franken was on Movie Title: Saturday Night Live 80. The line is increasingly blurred between news and entertainment. Secondarily, the media's also shoving celebrities down our throats all the time. As a person, I'm much more interested in what an actor has to say about something substantial and important than who they're dating or what clothes they're wearing or some other asinine, insignificant aspect of their life." [answering a Christopher Matthews question about why Hollywood actors sometimes presume to be sophisticated about politics, on Movie Title: Hardball with Chris Matthews, July 27, 2004, at the Democratic National Convention in Boston, Mass.; quoted from MSNBC Transcripts] [when asked by Christopher Matthews, "Do you think Whoopi Goldberg did a good job for John Kerry the other night?" -- referring to her jokes at a private fund-raiser that led to her being fired as spokeswoman for the SlimFast diet foods company:] "I wasn't there. I went to the Los Angeles fund-raiser. I wasn't in the one in New York. I think when you have somebody -- you know, if you did a rock concert that was a benefit and The Who played their music or The Rolling Stones, you'd expect to get, you know, "Satisfaction" or "My Generation." When you hire Whoopi Goldberg to do a benefit, you're going to get her brand of humor. And I think there is a fine line, and you have to be a little bit mindful. And I, for one, am not going to do any scatological jokes or puns about the president's last name on your show, mostly for that reason. But I also think I expect a different code of behavior maybe from comedians who have made a career with a certain kind of comedy than I do from, oh, say, the Vice President of the United States [ Dick Cheney, who told Vermont Senator Patrick Leahy to "Go fuck yourself" on the floor of the Senate], who used this vulgar language, you know, to a senator and was sort of unapologetic about it. So I think the Republicans hitting her [Whoopi] too hard for that is a little bit hypocritical." [spoken on Movie Title: Hardball with Chris Matthews, July 27, 2004, at the Democratic National Convention in Boston, Mass.; quoted from MSNBC Transcripts] [ Dee Dee Myers asks during the Democratic National Convention, "Ben, when you go around the country, how do people react to you when you're campaigning?":] "Well, I mean, to be perfectly honest, probably the most effective things that celebrities do for political candidates is raise money. You know, that's something that you can do. And unlike, say, fund-raisers sponsored by -- you know, engineered by insurance companies or oil companies, at least what you can say for celebrities is they're not expecting, you know, deregulation of their industry in return. So that's one of things that I'm, I've been able to do and to try to help them do it. Other than that, you know, I've lived this sort of strange, sometimes unpleasant, but mostly very lucky life that's involved lately a lot of media attention. And one of the things that feels good to me to do is to try to steer that in a direction of something more significant and at least be -- try to create some political dialogue. And that's satisfying. Some people react to me kindly, and others don't. That's sort of the nature of politics." [Myers follows up: "Do you think it's kind of a risk for your career as movie star to get in bed with one party?"] "Unequivocally. Absolutely. And I think that's why, you know, actually, people say, Well, you see all these celebrities. To my mind, you see very, very few. Most feel like, and probably correctly so, that to be identified with one side of the ideological fence or other risks alienating a segment of your audience that may like your movies, may want to buy your tickets, and in fact, may make it more difficult for them to suspend their disbelief when they go see you in a movie because they have you closely identified with something else. For me, part of that is already compromised, and it's also something that's interesting enough for me, and I don't care quite so much about that kind of image that I'm able to do it. But I think a lot of people shy away from it, and many celebrities you see who've gone out there, tried to be active, have gotten pretty beaten down, you know? And so I think there is a risk, yes." [July 27, 2004, quoted in the MSNBC Transcripts] [interviewed again at the Democratic National Convention: "Ben, this is David Gergen. I think a lot of us are blown away here by your vocabulary. Without being pedantic or scatological, you sure do elucidate pretty well."] "Well, David, I think I benefit from the same thing that helped George W. Bush in the [2000] debates, which is tremendously low expectations." (much laughter follows) [quoted on Movie Title: Hardball with Chris Matthews, July 27, 2004] [when asked why George W. Bush, after hearing that New York was under attack on Sept 11, remained in a Florida classroom, doing nothing, for several minutes:] It's obviously very disturbing footage. On the one hand, you see a reaction on a man's face that he is clearly pained and shocked. I probably did the same thing sitting on my chair. I was completely freaked out and a little devastated. On the other hand, one does hope that in one's leaders, that they have the instinct to spring into action, to take some action or make the appearance of taking some action. And I was disappointed to see that he didn't do that, although I don't entirely hold it against him because, frankly, I was as shocked and devastated as he was. Although I think flying around in Air Force One for 11 hours before coming back and landing in the White House was probably less forgivable." [quoted on Movie Title: Hardball with Chris Matthews, July 27, 2004, and in the MSNBC Transcripts] Movie Title: Phantoms (1998) as Sheriff Hammond / Sheriff Bryce Hammond / Hammond: Hammond : We'll make it through this. Jenny : How do you know? [Hammond shows her a candy wrapper fortune that reads "LUCK IS ON YOUR SIDE."] General Copperfield : What kind of threat are we dealing with here, biological, chemical or other? Sheriff Hammond : Right now I'm leaning towards other. Sheriff Bryce Hammond : All right, enough. ENOUGH! It's not a god, it's not a devil. It's just a fucking animal, and any living thing can be killed. Timothy Flyte : But this thing is what wiped out the dinosaurs! It's a pretty tough fucking customer! Movie Title: Changing Lanes (2002) as Gavin Banek: Gavin Banek : Its like seeing someone for the first time... you know passing them on the street. And you kinda look at each other for a few seconds, like a recognition. Like you both know something. And the next moment the person is gone. And you always remember it, it was there and you let it go. And you think What if I had stopped? What if I had said something. What if... Doyle Gipson : Come on, man, don't leave me out here like this. Gavin Banek : Sorry, better luck next time. Valerie Gipson : What do you want? Gavin Banek : Five minutes, ma'am. I owe your husband twenty. Well I'm... only asking for five with you. Stephen Delano : This is all a tightrope, you gotta learn to balance. Gavin Banek : How can you live like that ? Stephen Delano : I can live with myself... because at the end of the day I think I do more good than harm... what other standard have I got to judge by ? Gavin Banek : Sometimes God likes to put two guys in a paper bag and just let 'em rip. [to his father-in-law] Gavin Banek : I'm gonna hold on to this file. I'm gonna keep it in a very safe place. But I'm not going to Texas. I'm gonna come back into work on Monday. I'm gonna start doing that pro bono work that you recommended that I do. But I'm gonna do it from our office. The first thing we're gonna do is help a man buy a house. Gavin Banek : What am I gonna do? Michelle : Well... there's this guy. He helps with things that need... helping out. Gavin Banek : Like what? Michelle : Like things. Like... getting people to do things you want them to do when they don't necessarily want to do them. Gavin Banek : I was thinking about what you said to me. About the end of the day - about doing more good than harm. That is what you said, isn't it? Stephen Delano : Don't you fuck with me. Gavin Banek : I am not fucking with you, sir. Can you imagine how unpleasant it would be if the judge got a hold of this file? [to his wife] Gavin Banek : You were right. I can do this. I found the edge. Can you live there with me? Can you? Gavin Banek : I haven't had a fucking thing to eat all day, I'm starving. So what are we gonna eat? Movie Title: The Sum of All Fears (2002) as Jack Ryan / Jack: [en route to Russia] Cabot : Jack... Jack, what are you doing? Jack : Oh... I had a date tonight, so I had to call and cancel... Cabot : Well, don't be stupid! Tell her where you're going. In fact, tell her who you work for. She'll be impressed. Jack : [to Cathy, over the phone] OK. I work for the CIA, and the Director asked me at the last minute to come with him to Russia with him to do a nuclear arms inspection. Hello? Cathy : That is so lame. Jack : No, I swear, it's because of the START treaty, we get to inspect to make sure they're really decommissioning their nuclear arsenal... [Cathy hangs up] Jack : Hello... hello? [Cabot starts laughing] Jack : Thanks. Thanks a lot. Jack Ryan : I can't go on a mission. I only write reports. John Clark : Then write a report about it. Cabot : Are you Ryan? Jack Ryan : Yes, sir. Cabot : What is this? Paper Chase? Jack Ryan : Sir, my ah... Cabot : Well come on, were late. Jack Ryan : General, the President is basing his decisions on some really bad information right now. And if you shut me out, your family, and my family, and twenty-five million other families will be dead in thirty minutes. Jack Ryan : The bomb is in play. [arguing about the Russian President's health] Jack : I'm just saying Zorkin's putting on weight. Really, I don't know why you guys have to reduce everything to sex. It's just disgusting. [Jack is negotiating with President Nemerov over the Hot Line] Jack : Sir, I know you. I know you had nothing to do with the Baltimore bomb, and you sure as hell know you didn't! But you're still about to launch a nuclear strike against us! This no longer has anything to do with Baltimore! Now it's about fear! Our fear of your missiles, your fear of our subs, fear of being weak, fear of making a mistake... the same fear of the other guy that had us build these goddamn bombs in the first place! Movie Title: Boiler Room (2000) as Jim Young: Jim Young : And there is no such thing as a no sale call. A sale is made on every call you make. Either you sell the client some stock or he sells you a reason he can't. Either way a sale is made, the only question is who is gonna close? You or him? Now be relentless, that's it, I'm done. Jim Young : They say money can't buy happiness? Look at the fucking smile on my face. Ear to ear, baby. Jim Young : Anybody who tells you money is the root of all evil doesn't fucking have any. Jim Young : You Want details? Fine. I drive a Ferrari, 355 Cabriolet, What's up? I have a ridiculous house in the South Fork. I have every toy you could possibly imagine. And best of all kids, I am liquid. Movie Title: 200 Cigarettes (1999) as Bartender: Bartender : So, how do you like your eggs done in the morning, scrambled or fertilized? Bartender : And I'm not gay, ok? I get that all the time. No, I'm not gay. Bartender : Those clothes and my clothes would look good on my floor. Movie Title: Glory Daze (1996) as Jack: Jack : The bitch about getting older, you know, you don't fling yourself into love and friendships the way you did before you got hurt. That's a damn shame. Jack : Let's rage at the dying of the light a little bit. Jack : People say nothing is forever. I say how do you explain herpes or The Grateful Dead? Jack : Mom, dad, you both screwed up your lives. Now back off and give me a chance to screw up mine. Movie Title: Jersey Girl (2004) as Ollie: Ollie : [to Gertie] You're the only thing I was ever good at. Ollie : I hate you even more you little shit! You and your mother took my life away from me! Ollie : "Cats" is the second worst thing that ever happened to New York City. [after talking to Gertie, after finding her with Brian without their pants on] Ollie : Do you have any questions about what you saw? Gertie : [thinking hard] Do you have what Brian has? Ollie : Yes. Gertie : [after thinking hard again] Is it as big as his? Ollie : Sadly, yes. Ollie : George Michael is all about the ladies. "I want your sex". Does that sound like he's singing to a guy? Gertrude Steiney : [very pregnant Gertrude is getting ready for the VMAs] You try getting ready quickly when you look like this! I'm so fat and there's gonna be nothing but beautiful skinny girls there! Ollie : That's because they're all coked-out whores, honey. Gertrude Steiney : [now crying] I wanna be a coked-out whore! Movie Title: Dogma (1999) as Bartleby: Bartleby : DO IT. Bartleby : I was close. You know, I was so close to slittin' that bitch's throat. You know how that felt? Righteous. Justified. Eager, even. Loki : You alright man? Your eyes are kinda... Bartleby : My eyes are open. For the first time, I get it. When that little innocent girl let her mission slip, I had an epiphany. See, in the beginning, it was just us and Him. Angels and God. Loki : Uh huh Bartleby : Then he created humans. Ours was designed to be a life of servitude and worship... and bowing and scraping and adoration. He gave them more than He ever gave us. He gave them a choice. They choose to acknowledge God, or choose to ignore him. All this time we've been down here, I've felt the absence of the Divine presence. And it's pained me... As I'm sure it must have pained you. And why? Because of the way he made us. Had we been given free will, we could choose to ignore the pain. Like they do. But no! We're servants! Loki : Okay... You know, all I'm sayin' here, is one of us might need a little nap. Bartleby : [claps hands] Wake up! These humans have besmirched everything He's bestowed upon them. They were given Paradise - they threw it away. They were given this planet - they destroyed it. They were favored best among all His endeavors, and some of them don't even believe he exists. And in spite of it all... He hath shown them infinite fucking patience at every turn. What about us? I asked you... Once, to lay down the sword, because I felt sorry for them. What was the result? Our expulsion from Paradise! Where was his infinite fucking patience then? It's not right! It's not fair! We've paid our debt. Don't you think it's time... Don't you think it's time we went home? And to do that... I... I think we may have to dispatch our-our would be dispatchers. Loki : Wait. Wait. Wait. Kill them? You're talking about the Last Scion for Chrissakes! And what about Jay and Bob? I mean... Those guys were alright. Bartleby : Don't. Don't my friend. See, don't let your sympathies get the best of you. They did me once. Scion or not, she's just a human. And by passing through that arch, our sins are forgiven. No harm, no foul Loki : My God. I've heard a rant like this before Bartleby : What did you say? Loki : I've heard a rant like this before Bartleby : Don't you fuckin' do that to me Loki : You sound like the Morning Star Bartleby : You shut your fuckin' mouth! Loki : You do! You sound like Lucifer man! You fuckin' lost it! You're not talkin' about goin' home Bartleby, you're talkin' about fuckin' war on God. Well fuck that. I have seen what happens to the proud when then take on the throne. I'm goin' back to Wisconsin. Bartleby : [Bartleby violently throws Loki against a pillar in the parking garage] We're going home, Loki! And no one, not you, not even the Almighty himself, is gonna make that otherwise. Loki : My God... I've heard a rant like this before. Bartleby : What did you say to me? Loki : I've heard a rant like this before. You sound like the morning star... Bartleby : Don't you fucking do that to me! Loki : You do man, you sound like lucifer you've fucking lost it! You arn't talking about going home, Bartleby. You're talking fucking war against God. Well fuck that. I have seen what happens to the proud when they take on the throne. I'm going back to Wisconsin. Loki : The last four days on Earth. If I had a dick, I'd go get laid. But we can do that next best thing. Bartleby : What's that? Loki : Let's kill people. [Lady next to Loki spits out her coffee] Loki : [to lady] Oh, not you. Bartleby : You know, here's what I don't get about you. You know for a fact that there is a God. You have been in his presence. He's spoken to you personally, and yet I just heard you claim to be an atheist. Loki : I just like to fuck with the clergy, man. I just love it. I just love to keep those guys on their toes. Bartleby : This from the guy who still owes me ten bucks over that bet over which was going to be the bigger movie, E.T. or Krush Groove. Loki : Hey, fuck you man, because time's going to tell on that one. Loki : Never let it be said that your anal-retentive attention to detail never yielded positive results. Bartleby : You can't be anal-retentive if you don't have an anus. Loki : Outstanding work. Bartleby : Your hard-on for smiting has prevented us from negotiating what should be the relatively simple matter of catching or staying on a bus. Bartleby : The humans have besmirched everything bestowed on them. They were given Paradise, they threw it away. They were given this planet, they destroyed it. They were favored best among all His endeavors, and some of them don't even believe He exists. And in spite of it all, He's shown them infinite fucking patience at every turn. What about us? I asked you... once to lay down the sword because I felt sorry for them. What was the result? Our expulsion from Paradise. WHERE WAS HIS INFINITE FUCKING PATIENCE THEN? IT'S NOT RIGHT, IT'S NOT FAIR. We've paid our debt. Don't you think it's time? Don't you think its time we went home? and to do that, I think we have to dispatch of our would-be dispatchers. Gun Salesman : We call this piece the Fecalator. One look at it and the target shits him or herself. Try it on. Loki : Well, it's a lot more compact than the flaming sword, but it's not nearly as impressive. Just doesn't have that Wrath-of-the-Almighty edge to it. I mean, come on, how am I supposed to strike fear into the hearts of the wicked with this thing? Look at this... Bartleby : Well, then, you know, don't use a gun. Just lay the place to waste, like. Loki : Easy for you to say. You get off light in razing. You got to stand there and read at Sodom and Gomorrah, I had to do all the work. Bartleby : What work did you do? You lit a few fires. Loki : I rained down sulphur, man, there's a subtle difference. Bartleby : Oh, yeah, I'm sure. Loki : Hey, you know, fuck you, man. Any moron with a pack of matches can set a fire. Raining down sulphur is like an endurance trial man. Mass genocide is the most exhausting activity one can engage in, next to soccer. [To Loki] Bartleby : Quit leering at me. People are gonna think I just broke up with you. [to Mrs. Reynolds] Loki : You're a pure soul... but you didn't say "God bless you" when I sneezed. [raises his gun to Mrs. Reynold's head] Bartleby : Loki. Bartleby : You are responsible for raising an icon which draws worship from the Lord. You have broken the first commandment. Not only that, I'm afraid not a one of you passes for a decent human being. Your continued existence is a mockery of morality. Like you, Mr. Burton. Last year cheated on your wife of 17 years 8 times. You even had sex with her best friend while you were supposed to be home watching the kids. Loki : In the bed that you and your wife share, no less. Bartleby : Mr. Newman - you got your girlfriend drunk at last year's Christmas party and then paid a kid from the mail room to have sex with her while she was passed out, just so you could break up with her guilt-free when she sobbingly confessed in the morning. She killed herself two months later. Mr. Brace disowned his gay son. Very compassionate, Mr. Brace. Mr. Ray put his mother in a third-rate nursing home and then used the profits from the sale of her home to buy an oriental rug for himself. Heavens. Mr. Barker flew to Thailand on the company account to have sex with an eleven year old boy. Mr. Holtzman okayed the production of Mooby Dolls from materials he knew to be toxic and unsafe, because it was - survey says? - less costly. [sees the female board member] Bartleby : You, on the other hand, are an innocent. You lead a good life. Good for you. But you, Mr. Whitland, you have more skeletons in your closet than the rest of this assembled party. I cannot even mention them aloud. [whispers something in Whitland's ear] Loki : You're his father, you sick fuck. [Whitland starts crying] Bartleby : I'm going to have to start off by apologizing for my friend, he has a penchant for the dramatic. Movie Title: Dazed and Confused (1993) as O'Bannion: O'Bannion : This first lick I'd like to dedicate to your mother... fuck her. O'Bannion : y'all ready to bust some ass? O'Bannion : Hey Slater, you fuckin' hippie, give me drugs, man. Slater : Go get some from your mother, man. O'Bannion : We just bagged your mother. Slater : Okay, fuck you dickhead. Movie Title: Daredevil (2003) as Matt Murdock / Daredevil: Daredevil : Wait. It wasn't me. It was a hit man named Bullseye. I didn't kill your father. Elektra : Liar. Elektra : Nice to meet you, Matt Murdock. Matt Murdock : Nice to meet you, uhh. I didn't get your name. Elektra : I didn't give it. Daredevil : Hey, that light? At the end of the tunnel? Guess what? That's not heaven... Jose Quesada : I'll kill you! I'll kill you! Daredevil : That's the C train! [Elektra is reading] Matt Murdock : Excuse me, could you tell me where I could find some honey? Elektra[not looking up]: It's right in front of you. Matt Murdock : You're going to need to be a little more specific. Elektra : What are you... Matt Murdock : Blind? Yeah. Franklin 'Foggy' Nelson : It's in black and white, how can you be a skeptic? Matt Murdock : If there's no eye witnesses, I mean... big foot has eye witnesses. Daredevil : I'm not the bad guy, kid. Matt Murdock : Her name's Elektra Natchios. Franklin 'Foggy' Nelson : Well, she sounds like a Mexican appetizer. Matt Murdock : It's Greek, genuis. Her father's Nikolas Natchios. Franklin 'Foggy' Nelson : The billionaire? Matt Murdock : Yeah, see? The billionaire. Franklin 'Foggy' Nelson : Well, then as your attorney in this matter I advise you to marry the woman immediately. Matt Murdock : Do you do this to every guy who asks for your name? Elektra : You should try asking for my number. [During a playful, flirtatious fight] Matt Murdock : You're holding back. Elektra : Yes. Matt Murdock : Don't. Daredevil : You killed the only two people I've ever loved. Why? Kingpin : Business. It's always business. I was working for Fallon back then. You're father was supposed to throw a fight. And your little girlfriend? Well, she was just in the wrong family at the wrong time. Matt Murdock : Mr. Quesada, for your sake, I hope justice is found in this court today... before justice finds you. Matt Murdock : So does every guy have to go through this just to find out your name? Elektra : You should try asking for my number. [Matt has smelled Elektra's perfume before she steps into the diner] Matt Murdock : By the door... tell me. Franklin 'Foggy' Nelson : [gaping at her] She's... hideous. Ben Urich : Cool color. Matt Murdock : I wouldn't know. Daredevil : They say that right before you die, your life flashes before your eyes. That's true, even for a blind man. Jose Quesada : What do *you* want? Daredevil : Justice. Elektra : You sure you're blind? Matt Murdock : You sure you don't want to tell me your name? Fisk : You know, I've learned one thing in all my years in this business. Matt Murdock : What's that? Fisk : Nobody's innocent. Nobody. Daredevil : Hey, how ya doing? Jose Quesada : [being strangled] Didn't you hear? I was acquitted. Daredevil : Not by me. Matt Murdock : I know how you feel. Elektra : You don't know how I feel. I want revenge. Matt Murdock : Revenge won't make the pain go away. Trust me. I know. Elektra : There's no place for me now. Matt Murdock : Yes, there is. Stay. Stay with me, please. Franklin "Foggy" Nelson : Your client, Mr. Lee, he made his first payment. Matt Murdock : Oh, that's great, you should be very happy. Franklin "Foggy" Nelson : Yes, it's fantastic. [pause] Franklin "Foggy" Nelson : He paid in *fluke.* Fluke is a *fish,* Matt. Did you know that? 'Cause I sure as hell didn't. Matt Murdock : Mr. Lee is a good man, and... he doesn't have a lot of money, and he goes fishing on the weekends, so I guess... Franklin "Foggy" Nelson : Yeah, and I go salsa dancing on the weekends, but I don't shake my ass to pay my phone bill, you know what I'm sayin'? [Matt has taken Elekrta up the roof, and it is about to rain] Matt Murdock : When it rains, it's like there's a rooftop on the world. Each raindrop makes a sound the first time it falls on a surface. Just then, it's like... it's like I can see again. And... and I just wanna... I just wanna see you. Elektra : [smiles] OK. Matt Murdock : Here it comes. [it begins to rain, and Matt can now 'see' her] Matt Murdock : My God... you are so beautiful. [He kisses her. Then Matt hears men fighting down on the street and pulls away from her] Elektra : What?... Matt, what's wrong?... Matt? Matt Murdock : I'm sorry... I have to go. [turns from her] Elektra : [she takes ahold of his wrist] Stay. Stay with me. Movie Title: Shakespeare in Love (1998) as Ned Alleyn: Hugh Fennyman : Uh, one moment, sir. Ned Alleyn : Who are you? Hugh Fennyman : I'm, uh... I'm the money. Ned Alleyn : Then you may remain so long as you remain silent. [About Marlowe's death in a tavern] Ned Alleyn : A quarrel about the bill. Philip Henslowe : The bill! Ah, vanity, vanity! Ned Alleyn : Not the billing - the BILL! Ned Alleyn : Pay attention and you will see how genius creates a legend. Ned Alleyn : [singing the stage directions] Gentlemen upstage; ladies downstage... Are you a lady Mr. Kent? Movie Title: Armageddon (1998) as AJ / A.J.: A.J. : Have you ever heard of Evel Knievel? Lev Andropov : No, I never saw Star Wars. A.J. : Five wonderful years. Harry Stamper : And in those five years you have never apologized to me this quickly, now what going on here? A.J. : You know what I was thinking? Grace Stamper : What? A.J. : I really don't think that the animal cracker qualifies as a cracker. Grace Stamper : Why? A.J. : Well cause it's sweet, which to me suggests cookie, I mean well putting cheese on something is sort of a defining characteristic of what makes a cracker a cracker. I don't know why I thought of that, i just... Grace Stamper : Baby, you have such sweet pillow talk. A.J. : Oh man. Well, we all gotta die, right? I'm the guy who gets to do it saving the world. Sharp: Okay, here's the situation. It takes two to fly this thing; so, either we all stay here and die or you draw straws to see who stays behind to detonate the bomb. Harry : There's no need for that; I'll stay behind. Chick : I can't live with a deal like that. Harry : You don't have to live with it, I'm staying. Chick : I *ain't* drawin' against you, Harry. Harry : You might as well 'cause I'm drawin' against you! Lev: You think I am returning to my country as the one who wouldn't volunteer! Rockhound : (tied up)Guys, I know you think I'm a little crazy now, but I'd really like this responsibility. AJ : I'll draw. Bear : Hey, let's draw and see who goes home and who stays here and dances. [Lev draws a long straw] Lew: Is this good or bad? AJ : (after drawing the short straw)Well; we all have to die; I'm the guy who gets to do it savng the world. A.J. : You know it's all funny until somebody gets shot in the leg. A.J. : If anybody's anybody, I'm Hans and you're Chewbacca. Oscar : Chewy? Have you ever seen Star Wars? A.J. : This is great. We just happen to run into the Grand Canyon on the asteroid. Lev Andropov : I told you, you took the wrong way, the wrong road. A.J. : What? What road? Do you see any roads here? Lev Andropov : You think this is looking good or what? You know what? I do not have much pleasure being near you. A.J. : Lev, why don't you do humanity a service and shut the hell up? Harry Stamper : AJ, I have only five words for you: Damn glad to see you boy! A.J. : That's six words. Lev Andropov : I'm stepping outside. A.J. : You're, you're going outside? Lev Andropov : I am the ONLY certified astronaut here. I am saving your American a**! Grace Stamper : Baby, do you think its possible that there's someone doing this very same thing at this very same time? A.J. : I hope so, otherwise, what the hell are we trying to save? Movie Title: Going All the Way (1997) as Casselman Gunner: Sonny Burns : So this is where you go into the church and ask for directions to the whore house. Casselman Gunner : No, this is where you go into the church and ask for directions to the whore house. Movie Title: Paycheck (2003) as Michael Jennings: [Michael begins to suspect that the woman with him isn't really Rachel] Michael Jennings : What's my favorite baseball team? Maya : What? Michael Jennings : What's my favorite baseball team? [Maya pulls out a gun] Maya : Who cares? [Rachel appears behind Maya and knocks her out] Rachel Porter : That would be the Red Sox? [after having his three-year memory erased] Michael Jennings : What happened? Rachel Porter : Hey, I said you were okay, okay? Michael Jennings : Okay! [last lines] Shorty : You know what? I think now's probably a good time to discuss my commission, 33%. Michael Jennings : I thought it was 5. Shorty : No, 33 percent. Michael Jennings : 33 percent! Rachel Porter : He deserves it. Shorty : It was found on my premises. Michael Jennings : I'll get back to you. I'm gonna cash this in. [arguing continues, indistinctly] Movie Title: Pearl Harbor (2001) as Rafe: Rafe : Not anxious to die sir, just anxious to matter. Rafe : Returning from the dead wasn't all that I expected... but that's life. Danny : You're a rotten drunk... always have been. Rafe : Well, you're a lousy friend... that's a new development. Lt. Col. Jimmy Doolittle : You know what top secret is?" Rafe : Yes, sir. It's the kind of mission where you get medals, but they send 'em to your relatives. Rafe : You are so beautiful it hurts. Evelyn : It's your nose that hurts. Rafe : I think it's my heart. Rafe : Danny, you can't die. You can't die. You know why? 'Cause you're gonna be a father. You're gonna be a daddy. I wasn't supposed to tell you. You're gonna be a father. Danny : No, you are. Rafe : Dolittle assigned me. He wanted me to get some... some real combat training. Danny : Well guess what? It isn't training over there, it's war. Where losers die and there aren't any winners, just guys who turn into broken-down wrecks like my father. Now if trouble awaits me, I'm ready. But why go looking for it? Rafe : She loves me. Rafe : Alright Danny we gonna show 'em how to fly. We gonna play chicken. You ready? Danny : This ain't the farm and these ain't no crop dusters, I'm not playin chicken with ya. Rafe : Ah, come on, now don't be a baby. Danny : Not doin it Rafe. Rafe : Well, I'm comin right at ya, you can turn or you can hit me. It's up to you. Danny : Aah, why you always bustin my ass Rafe? Danny : [sighs] Danny : Which way ya goin? Rafe : Uh, right, no left. Left. I'll go left. Danny : Okay, we're goin left right? Rafe : Right, right? Danny : Right, like we're goin left, or right like we're goin right? Rafe : Well, now you got me all mixed up, I dunno make up your mind! Danny : God, Rafe, we're goin right. Righty-Tighty! Evelyn : You're acting like I didn't love you. Rafe : Evelyn, loving you kept me alive. Lt. Col. Jimmy Doolittle : I heard what you did. Rafe : We can explain that, sir. Lt. Col. Jimmy Doolittle : Explain what? Danny : Whatever it is you heard about us, sir. Lt. Col. Jimmy Doolittle : You mean the hoola shirts you were flying in... .or the seven planes you shot down. Rafe : Hold on a second, Miss, I really, really lick you. [covers mouth] Rafe : Like you. I didn't mean to say that, and I just wanted to know if I could donate dinner, well, buy you dinner. Evelyn : This isn't your chart. Rafe : No that's this guy right here I think he left. Evelyn : Have you already had this shot? Rafe : Yea well once already yea. Well, I mean can I ask you out? Evelyn : No. Rafe : Uh... [Bangs his nose into the tray of supplies] Rafe : Oh. Nurse: Oo. What'd you do to him? Rafe : I've got some genuine French champagne. From France. Lt. Col. Jimmy Doolittle : Secretary of the Navy gave me these. Danny : What are they? Lt. Col. Jimmy Doolittle : Friendship medals the Japanese gave us when they were pretending they wanted peace. Rafe : What do you want me to do with them sir? Lt. Col. Jimmy Doolittle : We're gonna wire them to the bombs and give them back. Rafe : I almost did die, you little son-of-a-bitch. And her face was the last thing that went through my mind. Rafe : I should've died over there. When I was in that water, I made a deal with God. I told him I was sorry, I told him I knew I'd been a fool for leavin you and tryin to go over there and be a hero, and I promised I'd never ask for anything again, if I could just see you one more time... And ya know what? It was worth it. You kept me alive Evelyn, you brought me home. So I'm gonna stand by my end of the deal, I'm gonna walk away and I won't ask you for anything... but I just want to know why... Just tell me that will you please? Just tell me why. Rafe : Earl, I said get some guns in that goddamn tower Earl : Right, guns in the tower, ten stories high. It's a long son-of-a-bitch Rafe : Ma'am, I'm never gonna be an English teacher, but I know why I'm here, to be a pilot, and you dogfight with manuals, you don't fly with gauges, I mean it's all about feeling and speed and lettin' that plane become like it's apart of your body, and that manual says that a guy who's a slow reader can't be a good pilot... that file says I'm the BEST pilot in this room... Ma'am, please... Don't take my wings Rafe : That's what I want to come home to, that's what I want to have to think about and dream about. I wanna know that the best part of my life is still ahead of me. Movie Title: Saturday Night Live 80 (1975) as Ben Affleck: [opening monologue] Ben Affleck : Thank you! Thannk you, thank you! It's great to be back here, this is my second time hosting "Saturday Night Live" - very exciting. A lot of you know I have a new movie coming out - "Jersey Girl" - I'm very excited about that. It's great to be back here on the East Coast - a lot of people know I'm from Boston, but what you may not know about me is that I was actually born in California. Yes. My family moved to Boston when I was about three. Here's another thing, you may not know about me - at one time... I dated Jennifer Lopez. I-it's true. You may not have been aware of that, because, maybe, you've been, say... trapped in a mine shaft for the last eighteen months. Or, maybe you just don't enjoy watching TV. Or... reading magazines. Listening to the radio. Or talking to people. Or walking down the street, say! Honestly, I was pretty shocked at, uh... all the attention we received. There was only one thing tht really bothered me, though. and that was, being referred to as - Bennifer. Thank you, sir. I mean - Bennifer. How hard is that? How hard is it to say two names, instead of one? Ben and Jennifer - Bennifer! You're not saving that much time! It was on the cover of every magazine in America, and they were selling a lot of magazines. But I did not see Dime One! That is why... I'm selling these babies right here. [pulls out a t-shirt that reads "Bennifer"] Ben Affleck : I had the name trademarked, printed up about 50,000 units - all sizes, 100% Egyptian cotton - beefy T's. This is a quality product, folks. However, it turns out, that, when you make a product of this quality, you ned about eight months lead-time. So, uh... they all came in last week! All 50,000 of them! Yeah. Long story short - I'm pricing them to move! $10 a piece; $15, if I sign them; for $20, I'll sign them "Bennifer"! Okay? Now... my timing was a bit off, I'm not going to get caught in a buy like that again. I'm thinking ahead - I got my bases covered for the next time. You ready? [pulls out a second t-shirt that reads:] Ben Affleck : Benyonce! It could happen. I mean... nobody saw the J-Lo thing coming. Or... or... how about... [pulls out a third t-shirt that reads:] Ben Affleck : Boprah. What, be honest - she's looking very good these days! A very attractive woman. I guess this is, maybe, a kind of a long shot, but... [pulls out a fourth t-shirt that reads:] Ben Affleck : Mary-Kate and Ashfleck. Now, this one is for the off-chance that I get together with Marcia Gay-Harden: [pulls out a fifth t-shirt that reads "Ben-Gay"] Ben Affleck : Or... or... or, or... in the unlikely, but... wonderful event - hope, hope - that Matt finally comes around. All right! We've got a great show! We've got 2-for-1 t-shirts in the back! N.E.R.D. is here! Stick around, we'll be right back! Movie Title: Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back (2001) as Holden / Ben Affleck: Holden : If the buzz is any indicator, that movie's gonna make some huge bank. Jay : What buzz? Holden : The Internet buzz. Jay : What the fuck is the Internet? Jay : Do they say who's fuckin' playing us in the movie? Holden : No, but it's Miramax. So I'm sure it'll be Ben Affleck and Matt Damon. They put those guys in a bunch of movies. Jay : Who? Holden : You know, those kids from Good Will Hunting? Jay : You mean that fuckin' movie with Mork from Ork in it? Holden : Yeah, I wasn't a big fan either... but Affleck was the bomb in "Phantoms". Jay : Word, bitch, Phantoms like a mallfucker. Holden : The Internet is a communication tool used the world over where people can come together to bitch about movies and share pornography with one another. [Reading a message off the Internet] Holden : Fuck Jay and Silent Bob. Fuck them up their stupid asses. Holden : Don't you ever want anything more for yourself? I know this poor hapless son of a bitch does. I look into his sorry doe eyes and I just, I see a man crying out. He's crying out, "When Lord? When the fuck can your servant ditch this foul-mouthed little chucklehead to whom I am a constant victim of his folly, so much so that it prevents him from ever getting to kiss a girl! Fuck! When, Lord when? When's gonna be my time?" [The C.L.I.T. is being discussed on TV] Holden : Nights like this... I miss dating a lesbian. Holden : Well, look at these morose motherfuckers right here. Looks like somebody shit in their cereal... Bong. Ben Affleck : Are we gonna have a problem... again? Matt Damon : Just take it from "It's a good course." Ben Affleck : Oh, now you're the director. Matt Damon : Hey shove it, Bounce-boy. Let's remember who talked who into doing this shit in the first place. Talking me into Dogma was one thing, but this... Ben Affleck : Hey look, I'm sorry I dragged you away from whatever-gay-serial-killers-who-ride-horses-and-like-to-play-golf-touchy-feely-picture you're supposed to be doing this week. Matt Damon : I take it you haven't seen Forces of Nature? Ben Affleck : You're like a child. What've I been telling you? You gotta do the safe picture. Then you can do the art picture. But then sometimes you gotta do the payback picture because your friend says you owe him. [They both take a beat and look at the camera] Ben Affleck : And sometimes, you have to go back to the well. Matt Damon : And sometimes, you do Reindeer Games. Ben Affleck : See, that's just mean. Holden : Nothing. The Internet has given everybody in America a voice. For some reason, everybody decides to use that voice to bitch about movies. Miramax Security Guard Gordon : Sorry to interrupt fellas, but we have a 10-07 on our hands. Matt Damon : [exasperated] Oh Jesus. Again Ben? Ben Affleck : Nah! That's bullshit because I wasn't with a hooker today! Ah ha! Miramax Security Guard Gordon : There they are! Jay : Affleck, you the bomb in "Phantoms", yo! Jay : So all we's gotta do is stop this fuckin' movie from getting made! Holden : Yeah, and forego the hundreds of thousands of dollars you would be entitled to in the process. What are you, fucking retarded? I mean, I don't think I'm alone in the world in imagining this flick may be the worst idea since Greedo shooting first. You know it, but... a Jay and Silent Bob movie? Feature length? Who'd pay to see that? [Holden, Jay, and Bob look into the camera] Movie Title: Joseph: King of Dreams (2000) as Joseph: [referring to Joseph's dreams] Simeon : Yes, who did the wolf get this time? Joseph : You can laugh but this time it was about all of YOU. Joseph : I've had enough of this stupid game! Joseph : You think this is funny? Well, father won't be laughing when he hears...who are you? Joseph : The three vines signify three days. In three days, Pharaoh will bring you back to the palace, a free man. Butler : If only it were true. Joseph : It is true. And when you're free, tell Pharaoh about my gift. Please, promise me. Pharaoh : I'm told you only need to hear a dream and you can explain it. Joseph : Not me, Your Excellecy. The explanation comes from God. Joseph : Will you forgive me, for thinking I was some miracle from God? Judah : But you are a miracle. God sent you to save our family and all of Egypt. And you did. Movie Title: Forces of Nature (1999) as Ben Holmes: Ben Holmes : Quoting Bishop Jeremy Taylor, "Marriage hath in it less of beauty but more of safety, than the single life; it hath more care, but less danger, it is more merry, and more sad; it is fuller of sorrows, and fuller of joys; it lies under more burdens, but it is supported by all the strengths of love and charity, and those burdens are delightful." Ben Holmes : Are you going to be here when I get back? Sarah Lewis : You know me. Ben Holmes : I would not presume. Sarah Lewis : I don't deserve heaven. Ben Holmes : Oh Sarah, you deserve so much more than you think you do. Ben Holmes : I haven't known you that long, but I think there may be something wrong with you. Sarah Lewis : What other options do we have? We have no options. None! Ben Holmes : Yet somehow they seem more appealing than this. Ben Holmes : Bridge, ya know, I mean, what I always thought was that there was this one, one perfect person for everybody in the world, you know, and when you found that person, uh, the rest of the world just kinda magically faded away and...and you know, the two of you would just be inside this kind of protective bubble. But there is no bubble, or if there is, we have to make it. I just think life is more than a series of moments, you know, it's...it's...we can make choices and we can choose to protect the people we love and that's what makes us who we are, and those are the real miracles! Stop me when it becomes glaringly obvious that I have no idea what I am talking about... Ben Holmes : Sometimes the people we meet change us forever. Ben Holmes : Sarah, everybody loves you, you just... you just think they're all wrong. Movie Title: Chasing Amy (1997) as Holden / Holden McNeil: Hooper : For years in this industry, whenever an African American character, hero or villain, was introduced - usually by white artists and writers - they got slapped with racist names that singled them out as Negroes. Now, my book, "White-Hating Coon," don't have none of that bullshit. The hero's name is Maleekwa, and he's descended from the black tribe that established the first society on the planet, while all you European motherfuckers were hiding out in caves and shit, all terrified of the sun. He's a strong role model that a young black reader can look up to. Cause I'm here to tell you, the chickens is coming home to roost, y'all. The black man's no longer gonna play the minstrel in the realm of comics and sci-fi fantasy. We keepin it real, and we gonna get respect by any means necessary. Holden : Ah, come on, that's a bunch of horse-shit! Lando Calrissian was a black guy! You know, he got to fly the Millennium Falcon, what's the matter with you? Hooper : Who said that? Holden : I did! Lando Calrissian is a strong role-model for the African-American community! Hooper : Man, fuck Lando Calrissian! Uncle-Tom nigger! Silent Bob : [to Holden, who has just revealed his trouble with Alyssa] You're Chasing Amy. Holden : [Shocked that Silent Bob has broken his Silence] What? What did you say? Silent Bob : You're Chasing Amy. Jay : What do you look so shocked for, man, fat bastard does this all the time. He thinks just cause he doesn't say anything, it'll have this huge impact when he does open his fuckin' mouth... Silent Bob : Jesus Christ, why don't you shut up? You're always yap-yap-yappin' all the time, you're givin' me a fuckin' headache. [to Holden] Silent Bob : I went through something like what you're talkin' 'bout, 'couple years ago, this chick named Amy. Jay : When? Silent Bob : [annoyed] A couple of years ago? Holden : How do you manage to get away with this all the time? I mean, shouldn't the cops be busting your head open right about now? Banky Edwards : Wrong coast. Banky Edwards : What is it about this girl man, you know you have no shot at getting her into bed so why do you even bother wasting time with her, because you're Holden fucking McNeil, the most persistent traveler on the road that's not the path of least resistance, everything has to be a fucking challenge for you and this little relationship with that BITCH is a prime example of your fucking condition, Well I don't need a magic 8-ball to look into your future, you want a forecast here, will Holden ever fuck Alyssa?, oh what a shock, NOT FUCKING LIKELY. This relationship is affecting you, our work and our friendship and the time is going to come when I throw down the gauntlet and say it's me or her then what are you going to say? Holden : I think you should let this one go Banky Edwards : No what would you say, would you trash 20 years of fucking friendship because you got some idiotic notion that this chick will let you sniff her panties, let alone fuck her Holden : Look fucking asshole, I'm telling you let it go, ok! Banky Edwards : What the fuck man, what the fuck makes this bitch all that important Holden : Because I'm fucking in love with her man, OK! Banky Edwards : Alright, now see this? This is a four-way road, OK? And dead in the center is a crisp, new, hundred dollar bill. Now, at the end of each of these streets are four people, OK? Are you following? Holden : Yeah. Banky Edwards : Good. Over here, we have a male-affectionate, easy to get along with, non-political agenda lesbian. Down here, we have a man-hating, angry as fuck, agenda of rage, bitter dyke. Over here, we got Santa Claus, and up here the Easter Bunny. Which one is going to get to the hundred dollar bill first? Holden : What is this supposed to prove? Banky Edwards : No, I'm serious. This is a serious exercise. It's like an SAT question. Which one is going to get to the hundred dollar bill first? The male-friendly lesbian, the man-hating dyke, Santa Claus, or the Easter bunny? Holden : The man-hating dyke. Banky Edwards : Good. Why? Holden : I don't know. Banky Edwards : Because the other three are figments of your fucking imagination! Holden : So, uh, what do you wanna do tonight? Banky Edwards : Mmm, get a pizza, watch "Degrassi Jr. High." Holden : You got a weird thing for Canadian melodrama. Banky Edwards : I got a weird thing for girls who say "aboot." Jay : So why the long face, Horace? Banky on the rag? Holden : I'm just, ahh... just havin' a little girl trouble. Jay : Bitch pressin' charges? I get that a lot. Alyssa : So, you've never been curious about men? Holden : Curious about men? Well, I always wondered why my father watched Hee Haw. Alyssa : Why are we stopping? Holden : Because I can't take this. Alyssa : Can't take what? Holden : I love you. Alyssa : You love me? Holden : I love you. And not, not in a friendly way, although I think we're great friends. And not in a misplaced affection, puppy-dog way, although I'm sure that's what you'll call it. I love you. Very, very simple, very truly. You are the epitome of everything I have ever looked for in another human being. And I know that you think of me as just a friend, and crossing that line is the furthest thing from an option you would ever consider. But I had to say it. I just, I can't take this anymore. I can't stand next to you without wanting to hold you. I can't, I can't look into your eyes without feeling that, that longing you only read about in trashy romance novels. I can't talk to you without wanting to express my love for everything you are. And I know this will probably queer our friendship - no pun intended - but I had to say it, because I've never felt this way before, and I don't care. I like who I am because of it. And if bringing this to light means we can't hang out anymore, then that hurts me. But God, I just, I couldn't allow another day to go by without just getting it out there, regardless of the outcome, which by the look on your face is to be the inevitable shoot-down. And, you know, I'll accept that. But I know... I know that some part of you is hesitating for a moment, and if there is a moment of hesitation, then that means you feel something too. All I ask, please, is that you just, you just not dismiss that - and try to dwell in it for just ten seconds. Alyssa, there isn't another soul on this fucking planet who has ever made me half the person I am when I'm with you, and I would risk this friendship for the chance to take it to the next plateau. Because it is there between you and me. You can't deny that. Even if, you know, even if we never talk again after tonight, please know that I'm forever changed because of who you are and what you've meant to me, which - while I do appreciate it - I'd never need a painting of birds bought at a diner to remind me of. Alyssa : You know, I didn't just heed what I was taught, men and women should be together, it's the natural way, that kind of thing. I'm not with you because of what family, society, life tried to instill in me from day one. The way the world is, how seldom it is that you meet that one person who just *gets* you - it's so rare. My parents didn't really have it. There were no examples set for me in the world of male-female relationships. And to cut oneself off from finding that person, to immediately halve your options by eliminating the possibility of finding that one person within your own gender, that just seemed stupid to me. So I didn't. But then you came along. You, the one least likely. I mean, you were a guy. Holden : Still am. Alyssa : And while I was falling for you I put a ceiling on that, because you *were* a guy. Until I remembered why I opened the door to women in the first place: to not limit the likelihood of finding that one person who'd complement me so completely. So here we are. I was thorough when I looked for you. And I feel justified lying in your arms, 'cause I got here on my own terms, and I have no question there was some place I didn't look. And for me that makes all the difference. Holden : It's not who you love, it's how. [Holden hangs up the telephone] Banky Edwards : Who was that? Holden : That was Hooper. He invited me to a club. Banky Edwards : Man. When's that faggot gonna learn? You like chicks. Holden : It's not that kind of club! Banky Edwards : I just have to get something. [Pulls out a huge stack of porno books] Holden : Who are you, Larry fucking Flynt? What are you going to do with all of those? Banky Edwards : Read the articles. What do you think I'm going to do with them? They're stroke books. Holden : You've got like thirty books there! We're only there for two days! Banky Edwards : Variety's the spice of life. I like a wide selection. Sometimes I'm in the mood for nasty close-ups, sometimes I like them arty and air-brushed. Sometimes it's a spread brown-eye kind of night, sometimes it's girl-on-girl time. Sometimes a steamy letter will do it, sometimes - not often, but sometimes - I like the idea of a chick with a horse. Holden : How do you manage to get away with this all the time? I mean, shouldn't the cops be busting your head open right about now? Banky Edwards : Wrong coast. Holden : If this is a crush, I don't think I could handle it if the real thing happened. Banky Edwards : Who was that? Holden : That was Hooper. He invited me to a club. Banky Edwards : Man. When's that faggot gonna learn? You like chicks. Holden : It's not that kind of club! Holden : Yeah, well I've had my finger up my ass but I wouldn't say I've had anal sex with myself. Banky Edwards : Holden! Holden : What? Banky Edwards : Let's go! Holden : See that dent in the hood of your car? Banky Edwards : [looks outside] Son of a bitch! Holden : Look man, we miss this train, and I am gonna shitcan you and just hire Charles Schultz. [About: Banky's argument with his grade school religion teacher] Alyssa : How bad could it have been? Holden : Put it this way: have you ever heard a nun call an eight year-old boy a fucking cunt rag? Holden : Sorry about him, he's dealing with being an inker. Alyssa : Oh... you trace. [Banky is strangling the Collector] Collector : ...You fuckin' tracer. Banky Edwards : I'll trace a chalk line around your dead fucking body, you fuck! Holden McNeil : [to Security Guards] Will you get him out of here! Collector : [as he's being dragged away by Security Guard] Hey wait a second! He jumped me, you fucking tracer! Banky Edwards : Your mother's a tracer! Banky Edwards : What the fuck is going on here? Holden McNeil : Starting a new page [Banky grabs the pen out of Holden's hand and throws it] Banky Edwards : Not with this shit, what the fuck is going on with you and that girl? Holden McNeil : We're just friends Banky Edwards : She's programming you and apparently you don't fucking realize it Fan : I love these guys! You know what? they're like Bill and Ted meet... Cheech and Chong! Holden McNeil : Yeah... I kinda like to think of them as Vladamir and Estragon meet Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Fan : Yes! [pause] Fan : Who? Movie Title: Gigli (2003) as Larry / Larry Gigli: Ricki : It's turkey time. Larry Gigli : What? Ricki : Come on, gobble, gobble. Larry Gigli : Don't tell me what we're supposed to do! Ricki : How about this? You leave him alone or I'll kill you. Larry Gigli : You'll kill me? Fuck you, go ahead! Ricki : I'll kill you. Larry Gigli : You don't tell me what to do, okay? Don't tell me what we might do, don't tell me what we're supposed to do, don't tell me what we maybe should do, don't ever tell me nothing! Ricki : I'll tell you this. You leave him alone or I'll kill you Mother : Is she your sweetheart? Larry Gigli : Ma. Ricki : She thinks I'm beautiful. Larry Gigli : Yeah, well, she's blind in one eye. Larry Gigli : [breaking someone's laptop] Suck my dick.com. Larry Gigli : Mr. Starkman... Starkman: I KNOW MY FUCKIN' NAME. You piece of shit. You don't try to extort a Federal-fuckin'-Prosecutor. And if you do, YOU DON'T FUCK AROUND. [first lines] Larry Gigli : You see, after all is said and done, the only thing you can be really sure of, the only thing you can really count on in this world, is that you just never fucking know. Larry Gigli : Lemme tell you something, in every relationship, there's a bull and a cow. It just so happens that in this relationship, right here with me and you, I'm the bull, you're the cow. Alright? [Points to self] Larry Gigli : Bull. [Points to Ricki] Larry Gigli : Cow. You got that? Ricki : Yeah, I got it. Bull, cow. Larry : You know something? You're right. It is sadness. Its sadness and I'm fucking sad. You got me. You're a genius. You know why I'm fucking sad? Because I got this fucking beautiful-sexy-gorgeous-hearthrob-o-rama-fucking-smart-amazing-bombshell-seventeen-on a fucking ten scale- girl sleeping in a bed right next to me and you know what? She's a stone cold dike. A fucking untouchable, unhaveable, unattainable brick wall fucking dike-a-saurus rexi. So its sad. Okay? What you want me to do? I feel fucking sadness about that. There's nothing I can fucking do. [cue music] Larry : And not only is she a major babe, but I really like this girl a lot, a lot, I mean she's not like anybody else I ever knew before and that's a completely fucking new one on me, and I don't even know her real fucking name so there you go. Oh and in case you're interested, my life sucks. Alright? Stick a fork in me I'm done. Larry Gigli : If by some fuckin' miracle long shot you haven't heard of my reputation let me tell you who the fuck I am! I am the fuckin' Sultan of Slick, Sadie! I am the rule of fuckin' cool! You wanna be a gangster? You wanna be a thug? You sit at my fuckin' feet and gather the pearls that emanate forth from me! Because I'm the fuckin' original, straight-first-foremost, pimp-mack, fuckin hustler, original gangster's gangster! Ricki : I don't know what you're talking about, but I'm gonna go get my stuff. [Larry answers the door] Larry Gigli : Yeah? Robin: Who the fuck are you? Larry Gigli : Who the fuck are *you*? [Robin enters the apartment] Larry Gigli : Excuse me. Lady, I think you're in the wrong place. Robin: No, you're in the wrong place! You have no idea. [She sees Brian] Robin: Oh, and who the fuck are you? Brian : You're the fucking you! Robin: What? Brian : Huh? Larry Gigli : This must be mental-fuckin'-illness week! [last lines] Ricki : Like your mother said, life's not always black and white. Sometimes you just never know. Larry Gigli : Are you driving, or are you bullshitting? Ricki : I'm driving. Movie Title: Good Will Hunting (1997) as Chuckie: Chuckie : I didn't get on Cathy last night. Will : No? Chuckie : Nah. Will : Why not? Chuckie : I don't know. [yells across room] Chuckie : Cathy! Cathy : What? Chuckie : Why didn't you give me none of that nasty little hoochie-woochie you usually throw at me? Cathy : Oh, fuck you and your Irish curse, Chuckie. Like I'd waste my energy spreading my legs for that Tootsie Roll dick? So go home and give it a tug yourself. Chuckie : Look, you're my best friend, so don't take this the wrong way. In twenty years, if you're still livin' here, comin' over to my house to watch the Patriots games, still workin' construction, I'll fuckin' kill you. That's not a threat. Now, that's a fact. I'll fuckin' kill you. Chuckie : So this is a Harvard bar, huh? I thought there'd be equations and shit on the wall. Chuckie : You're sitting on a winning lottery ticket and you're too big of a pussy to cash it in. Will : Oh, come on! What? Why is it always this? I mean, I fuckin' owe it to myself to do this or that. What if I don't want to? Chuckie : No. No, no no no. Fuck you, you don't owe it to yourself man, you owe it to me, 'cause tomorrow I'm gonna wake up and I'll be 50, and I'll still be doin' this shit. And that's all right. That's fine. I mean, you're sittin' on a winnin' lottery ticket. You're too much of a pussy to cash it in, and that's bullshit. 'Cause I'd do fuckin' anything to have what you got. So would any of these fuckin' guys. It'd be an insult to watch if you're still here in 20 years. Hangin' around here is a fuckin' waste of your time. Chuckie : Wait, Bill. Hold it. Did you hear that? [Man moans upstairs] Chuckie : Morgan! If you're watching pornos in my mom's room again, I'm gonna give you a fucking beating! [Morgan runs downstairs] Morgan : What's up fellas? Billy : Morgan, why don't you jerk off in your own fucking house. Man, that's fucking filthy. Morgan : I ain't got a VCR in my house. Chuckie : Aw, c'mon, not on my glove. Morgan : I didn't use the glove. Chuckie : That's my Little League glove. Morgan : What do you want me to do? Chuckie : I mean, what's wrong with you? You'll hump a baseball glove? Morgan : I was just using it for clean-up. Chuckie : Stop jerking off in my mother's room! Morgan : Ain't there another VCR in the house? Chuckie : It's just sad bro. Chuckie : Morgan, I'm not going to Kelly's just because you like the take out girl. It's fifteen minutes out of our way. Morgan : What the fuck are we gonna do that we can't spare fifteen minutes. Morgan : Double Burger, [singing] Morgan : Chuck, I had a double burger! Chuckie : Will you shut the fuck up, I know what you ordered, I was there Morgan : So give me my fucking sandwich. Chuckie : What do you mean your sandwich, I bought it, hey Morgan how much money you got on you? Morgan : I said I'd give you the change when we ordered the Sno-Cones when we pulled up, so why don't you give me my sandwich and stop being a prick. Chuckie : Well why don't you give me your fucking sixteen cents you got on you and we'll put your sandwich on layaway, there you go, keep it right up here for you, We'll put you on a program, everyday you bring your six cents and at the end of the week you'll have your sandwich Morgan : Why do you have to be such an asshole? Chuckie : What am I?, sandwich welfare? I think you should establish a good line of credit, like how you got your couch, payment plans, remember how your mother brought in $10 for a year and she finally got her couch Rent- A-Center Style? Morgan : Can I have my food now please? Chuckie : [throws the burger at Morgan] Here's your fucking double burger! Movie Title: Mallrats (1995) as Shannon Hamilton: Shannon Hamilton : That's it. You're dead, mallrat. I'm gonna fuck you up beyond repair. Brodie : Ladies and gentlemen, this tall drink of water headed my way is a pillar of the shopping community who informed me earlier today of a nefarious plan of his to screw my girlfriend in an extremely uncomfortable place. Gil Hicks : What... like the back of a Volkswagen? Shannon Hamilton : You wanna say something? Brodie : Yeah. About a million things, but I can't express myself monosyllabically enough for you to understand it all. [the videotape of Shannon back-dooring Trica is playing on the big screen, with cheesy 70s porno music in background] Shannon Hamilton : Yeah, who's your favourite New Kid. Yeah, call me Joey. Oh, come on. Don't make me get loose. Yeah, that's right. Call me Donnie. Oh, girl. Oh, please don't go girl. Jay : Goddamn. This is one wacky game show. Brodie : [to the cops] Hey! That girl's only 15! [cops focus their attention on Shannon] Shannon Hamilton : Ah, 15. I thought she was 36! [cops are approaching him] Shannon Hamilton : Come on, guys. Tell me you wouldn't have popped her. Shannon Hamilton : Smart-ass ex-boyfriend! I've got two things to tell you. One: I don't like you. I see you every week in this mall. I don't like you shiftless layabouts. You're one of those fucking mallrat kids. You don't come to the mall to shop or work. You hang out and act like you fucking live here. Well, I have no respect for people with no shopping agenda. Brodie : Is this what's known as motivated salesmanship? [Shannon Hamilton beats up Brodie] Shannon Hamilton : Rene told me to leave you alone, but she's fucking clueless. The newly single always feel a bit protective of the ex-boyfriend. Brodie : If this is her idea of protective, I'd hate to have her mad at me. Shannon Hamilton : You see, Bruce, I like to pick up girls on the rebound from a disappointing relationship. They're much more in need of solace and they're fairly open to suggestion. And, I use that to fuck them some place very uncomfortable. Brodie : What, like the back of a Volkswagen? Shannon Hamilton : No. More like someplace girls dread. [Brodie tries to take a poke at Shannon, Shannons gives him another beat-down] T.S. Quint : Haven't you ever heard the phrase "The customer is always right?" Shannon Hamilton : Let me tell you something. Let me give you a little secret, okay. [yells it right in T.S.' ear] Shannon Hamilton : The customer is always an asshole! Movie Title: Reindeer Games (2000) as Rudy Duncan: Rudy Duncan : I had better sex in prison. Rudy Duncan : Rule one! Never put a car thief behind the wheel! Rudy Duncan : Sounds pretty mature for twenty-five. Nick Cassidy : Grow up in Detroit, you mature real quickly. Rudy Duncan : Yeah. Either that or those pictures are ten years old. Rudy Duncan : Naw-uh, fuck that. Nick doesn't do anything until Nick gets something for Nick. I want some hot chocolate. You want to hear about some Indian casino, I want to see some goddamn hot chocolate! And a piece of pecan fucking pie! Rudy Duncan : You're sending me into an Indian casino dressed as a COWBOY, thought this through entirely? Pug : It was either that or a ballerina. Movie Title: Bounce (2000) as Buddy Amaral: Buddy Amaral : Your company. The pleasure of your company. I want your input on video rentals. I stand there for hours, I can't pick anything out. I want someone to say goodnight to, a last call of the day. I don't have a last call of the day. Do you? Buddy Amaral : It's not brave if you're not scared. Janice : Ticket? Buddy Amaral : You know what, you just took it! Janice : What? Buddy Amaral : You only took 2 puffs of your last one. Abby : That's cause I don't really smoke. Yeah, well, last year I started chewing the gum, you know? Because my friend, Donna, she was trying to quit smoking and she found that the gum was soothing to the nerves. So I started chewing it, then I got hooked on the gum and then I got TMJ from the chewing. So this is just to get me off the gum. I'm 10 days off the gum. Buddy Amaral : Sounds like a good plan. Next week you'll be on heroin. Buddy Amaral : So, what do you think? Seth : It's fine. You get a window. I get to work for a guy who gets a window. Buddy Amaral : Where's your mom? Scott : She's in the bathroom. She's been in there since Rosie. Buddy Amaral : Why? Who was on Rosie? |
 |
 |
||
|
Copyright movies studios and Imdb.com: Ben Affleck
Legal © Quotesbase.com |
