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 Milton Berle Quotation"An adult western is where the hero still kisses his horse at the end, only now he worries about it." "If evolution works, why do mothers only have two hands." Movie Title: The Buick-Berle Show (1948) as Host: Host : And now, ladies and gentlemen, as I look into your faces, and believe me, some of your faces need looking into... [sleigh bells ring constantly in the background] Host : Christmas, when peace and good fellowship... thank you, tha-that's all, thank you... When peace and good fellowship... that's enough with the bells, thank you. It's over, thank you. Peace and good fellow... (whistle) Knock off. Peace and... OK. (gunshot) Movie Title: Radio City Revels (1938) as Teddy Jordan: Harry Miller : We're gonna have yachts, motorcars, penthouses... Teddy Jordan : Oh boy, don't forget a ham sandwich! Movie Title: The Best of the Dean Martin Celebrity Roasts (1998) as Milton Berle: [referring to Lucille Ball] Milton Berle : Lucy always relied on slapstick, pratfalls and physical comedy to make people laugh; and that was just on her honeymoon. Movie Title: It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World (1963) as J. Russell Finch: Emmeline Finch : Oh Russell, I feel sick. J. Russell Finch : Now take it easy honey, these things happen ya know. Mrs. Marcus : Now what kind of an attitude is that, these things happen? They only happen because this whole country is just full of people, who when these things happen, they just say these things happen, and that's why they happen! We gotta have control of what happens to us. J. Russell Finch : Here, [pulls a blue bicycle from the mess of furniture that fell out of Pike's van] J. Russell Finch : take this and go hire us the best car you can find. Lennie Pike : But... this is a little girl's bike. This is for a little girl. Oh listen, I got to get this stuff back in so I can lock up the van. J. Russell Finch : We'll put everything away. Will you get going please, will you hurry? Lennie Pike : Oh okay... I gotta admit. I feel kinda silly. You know what I mean? [Pedals away on the bicycle] J. Algernon Hawthorne : I must say that if I had the grievous misfortune to be a citizen of this benighted country, I should be the most hesitant of offering any criticism whatever of any other. J. Russell Finch : Wait a minute, are you knocking this country? Are you saying something against America? J. Algernon Hawthorne : Against it? I should be positively astounded to hear anything that could be said FOR it. Why the whole bloody place is the most unspeakable matriarchy in the whole history of civilization! Look at yourself! The way your wife and her strumpet of a mother push you through the hoop! As far as I can see, American men have been totally emasculated- they're like slaves! They die like flies from coronary thrombosis while their women sit under hairdryers eating chocolates & arranging for every 2nd Tuesday to be some sort of Mother's Day! And this infantile preoccupation with bosoms. In all time in this Godforsaken country, the one thing that has appalled me most of all this this prepostrous preoccupation with bosoms. Don't you realize they have become the dominant theme in American culture: in literature, appetizing and all fields of entertainment and everything. I'll wager you anything you like that if American women stopped wearing brassieres, your whole national economy would collapse overnight. Mrs. Marcus : [holding cactus plant] Where should I stick this? J. Russell Finch : [double take] Oh boy. J. Russell Finch : Now I give you my word. I wanted to stop you, he wanted to stop for you. But tell him, tell him how my mother in-law made us drive right by you... Lennie Pike : Listen, anything you got to say about your mother in-law, you don't have to explain to me. You know what I mean? Like if she were the star of a real crummy horror movie, I'd believe it. Mrs. Marcus : Now for the last time. Are we calling Sylvester or not? J. Russell Finch : No! We are not! And I'll tell you why not. Because your son Sylvester is an irresponsible, unreliable, big loudmouth no good bum! Who if he isn't a crook? Its because he doesn't have the brains or ambition even to become a crook! J. Algernon Hawthorne : I say good show! J. Russell Finch : Hey, did you see th-the way he went SAILING right out there? J. Russell Finch : Lets stop arguing please! The only reason were together is because they only had one car. So lets get there, even if we are last. J. Algernon Hawthorne : Whatever the outcome of the day I shall never forget that you hit me when I wasn't even looking! J. Russell Finch : [smiling] yeah. J. Algernon Hawthorne : [Russell takes a swing at him and misses] So it's fisticuffs you want, is it? Right, stick'em up! J. Russell Finch : Don't hit me! Don't hit me! [Hawthorne chases him around the car, until the two bump into one another] J. Algernon Hawthorne : [looks at his arm] Blood! J. Russell Finch : It certainly is. Melville Crump : Look, why don't we just start digging for it? J. Russell Finch : Well suppose someone comes along? What do we tell them? Monica Crump : Well, we could tell them that we're here on an archeological expedition. Melville Crump : Aah! Sylvester Marcus : We don't tell them anything. We tell them to hit the road or we beat their brains in. J. Russell Finch : I don't know, I must find my wife. I don't know what to do. J. Algernon Hawthorne : Look, whereEVER they are, surely the most sensible thing for the two of us to do is to press on. I mean for all we know, your brother in-law may be out or away somewhere. And even if he were the first to be there, he still has to find the money, hasn't he? Now I earnestly recommend that we forget your good ladies and press on with all possible dispatch. J. Russell Finch : [mockingly] Alright, we'll press on with all possible dispatch. J. Algernon Hawthorne : And I don't really think that personal rancor is going to help the situation. If I may say so. Emmeline Finch : I'm only thinking of Russell's condition. Mrs. Marcus : You mean his financial condition, because that's the only condition that he has. J. Russell Finch : Yeah but... Mrs. Marcus : Emmeline, do you know why your husband had a nervous breakdown? It's because he has sunk $40,000, including $15,000 of my money into a company that makes seaweed for people to eat. J. Russell Finch : Yeah but... Mrs. Marcus : And not only does nobody like it, but it costs over $4.00 a can. J. Russell Finch : Yeah but... Mrs. Marcus : Yeah but WHAT? J. Russell Finch : Well, most people like it and I like it, and I'm working hard trying to keep the cost down. Mrs. Marcus : Yeah you were working hard trying to keep the cost down the day that you ran out of your office and stood in the street screaming. Emmeline Finch : Mother! Mrs. Marcus : Oh Emmeline, shut up! [Russell starts to speak] Mrs. Marcus : And you too! J. Russell Finch : You want me to tell you something? As far as I'm concerned the whole British race is practically finished. If it hadn't been for lend-lease. If we hadn't have kept your whole country afloat by giving you billions that you never even said "Thank you" for, the whole phony outfit would be sunk right under the Atlantic years ago. [Hawthorne screeches to a stop] J. Russell Finch : What are you stopping for? J. Algernon Hawthorne : Get out of this machine. J. Russell Finch : Get out? You can't... J. Algernon Hawthorne : It's my machine, I will do as I bloody well please. Out! J. Russell Finch : I'm awfully sorry. I've been very edgy today and if I said anything about England, I apologize. J. Algernon Hawthorne : Glad to hear you say so. Mrs. Marcus : You're overlooking one little thing. J. Russell Finch : Yeah, one little thing. Ding Bell : What little thing? J. Russell Finch : Yeah, what little thing? Mrs. Marcus : We can all count, can't we? There were 8 of us there. J. Russell Finch : She's right. There were 8 of us there. Movie Title: Lepke (1975) as Mr. Meyer: Mr. Meyer : My daughter is a whore, that's what. You were bought by the fur, the jewelry, the presents. You're a whore. A filthy whore! |
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