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 Robbie Coltrane QuotationMovie Title: The World Is Not Enough (1999) as Zukovsky: Zukovsky : I'm looking for a submarine! It's big and black and the driver is a very good friend of mine! James Bond : Construction's not exactly my specialty. M : Quite the opposite, in fact. [The caviar factory has just been cut up and blown apart] Zukovsky : The insurance company is NEVER going to believe this! Zukovsky : Can't you just say "hello" like a normal person? Zukovsky : [to Bull] Get me out of here and I'll show you a bump on the head! James Bond : What business do you have with Elektra King? Zukovsky : I thought it was *you* who was giving her the business. [Zukovsky enters his office, sees Christmas Jones] Zukovsky : How did you get in here? I'm going to call Security... and congratulate them. [Bond finds Zukovsky, Bull, and two women in the casino office] Zukovsky : Bull, give them an inch. [Bull gives each girl an inch-thick stack of cash, and the three of them start to leave] Zukovsky : And make sure they lose it in this casino, huh? Bull : See you later, Mr. Bond. Bond : I see he puts his money where his mouth is. Zukovsky : Mr. Bullion does not trust banks. Movie Title: Alice in Wonderland (1999) as Tweedledum: Tweedledee : I was an advisor to the British army. Tweedledum : I advised them not to take him, but they wouldn't listen. Movie Title: The Supergrass (1985) as Troy: Troy : Do that again and I shall take you out to sea and drown you! Lesley Reynolds : What about Jim? Troy : Oh, little Squealer here stuck a knife in his neck, didn't you? Dennis Carter : Don't be stupid! [Troy kicks him off the bed] Troy : Pardon? Movie Title: Nuns on the Run (1990) as Charlie McManus: Father Seamus : Tell me. Is celibacy just as difficult for a woman as it is for a man? Charlie McManus : I wouldn't know... I must come clean, though, I, I had a man in my bed last night. All night. You see, the way I see it, sex is allowed. Father Seamus : Ah, ha... ha! Charlie McManus : No. No, it's the doctrine of original sin. You see, we're all born sinful, except for Jesus who was perfect of course. And he was sent to save us. But how could he save us unless we're sinning? So we have to go on sinning in order to be saved and go to Heaven. That's how Christianity works. That's why it suits so many people. Brian Hope : Look Charlie, some con men sell life insurance. The church sells afterlife insurance. It's brilliant! Everyone thinks you might need it, and no one can prove you don't. Charlie McManus : The church isn't selling anything, Brian. Brian Hope : Oh! Well, if the church isn't selling anything how did it get to be so rich? Just remember, wherever there's a deep human need there's money to be made. Charlie McManus : You think so? Brian Hope : Of course, look at Kentucky Fried Chicken. Brian Hope : I thought you were supposed to be eating fish on a Friday. Charlie McManus : No, you're way out of date. Vatican II said we don't have to do that anymore. Brian Hope : Who's "Vatican II"? The deputy pope? Charlie McManus : Ignoramus. You can't have a deputy pope. The pope's infallible; you can't be deputy-infallible! Brian Hope : Explain the Trinity. Charlie McManus : Hmmm... well, it's a bit of a bugger. Charlie McManus : You've got the Father, the Son and the holy ghost. But the three are one - like a shamrock, my old priest used to say. "Three leaves, but one leaf." Now, the father sent down the son, who was love, and then when he went away, he sent down the holy spirit, who came down in the form of a... Brian Hope : You told me already - a ghost. Charlie McManus : No, a dove. Brian Hope : The dove was a ghost? Charlie McManus : No, the ghost was a dove. Brian Hope : Let me try and summarize this: God is his son. And his son is God. But his son moonlights as a holy ghost, a holy spirit, and a dove. And they all send each other, even though they're all one and the same thing. Charlie McManus : You've got it. You really could be a nun! Charlie McManus : [teaching Brian how to cross himself] Spectacles, testicles, wallet and watch. Sister Superior : You stole money because you want to get *out* of organized crime? Brian Hope : Oh, it was stolen already. Charlie McManus : The important thing is that now the good guys have got it instead of the bad guys. Brian Hope : Yeah. It's like Robin Hood, you see? We stole from the rich to give to the poor. Sister Superior : Who are you going to give this money to? Brian Hope : Us. We're poor. Movie Title: Blackadder the Third (1987) as Samuel Johnson: Samuel Johnson : This book, sir, contains every word in our English language. Blackadder : Every single one, sir? Samuel Johnson : Every single one, sir. Blackadder : Oh. Well, in that case, sir, I hope you will not object if I also offer the doctor my most enthusiastic... contrafibularities. Movie Title: Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (2002) as Hagrid: [As Ron spits out slugs] Hagrid : Better out than in. Hermione : Look. Hagrid's our friend, why don't we just go and ask him about it? Ron : Oh, that'd be a cheerful visit. "Ello Hagrid! Tell us, have you been setting anything mad and hairy loose in the castle lately?" [Hagrid has walked up behind them] Hagrid : Mad and hairy? Yer wouldn't be talkin' about me, now would ya? Ron , Hermione , Harry : No. Hermione : He called me a Mudblood. Hagrid : He did not. Hagrid : [to invisible Harry and Ron] If, er, anybody was looking for some stuff, then all they have to do is follow the spiders. Yep. That'd lead 'em right. That's all I have to say. Oh, and someone'll need ter feed Fang while I'm away. Movie Title: Cracker (1993) as Fitz: DS Jimmy Beck : He's throwin' fits, Fitz! Fitz : I'm in custody, CUSTODY! Fitz : Albie's law: the penalty for assumin' things is DEATH! Fitz : Gamblers Anonymous? That's created by wankers, for wankers! Judith : Graham is the leader in the local chapter. Fitz : I rest my case. Fitz : This was intense sex... so intense the ground didn't tremble, didn't shake - it registered 8.9 on the Richter Scale, evacuation of all of Southern California, shaking, Rip-roaring shuddering, SEX! Bilborough : You're sick! [After Penhaligon pours a jug of water over him] Fitz : Anglo-Saxon Foreplay. Go up to my bedroom my dear. If I'm not up in half an hour, get along without me. [On two Skinhead's urinary habits] Fitz : You're the artistic kind - it goes everywhere. You're the Luke Skywalker type - straight like a lazer beam. I can't help but take a look - people usually find it disgusting . . . Skinhead: You looking for a broken nose, pal? Fitz : Yeah, You know someone who can give me one, pal? [At a supermarket checkout] Old Woman: Execuse me... eight items! Fitz : I have eight items! Three bottles of whiskey constitutes ONE ITEM! 2 loaves of bread constitutes ONE ITEM! 6 frozen lasagnas constitutes ONE ITEM! Old Woman: SIX? Fitz : Two dozen eggs constitutes ONE ITEM . . . Old Woman: Security! Fitz : Four steak and kidney bastard pies constitutes ONE ITEM! [Security is called] Fitz : Oh, for God's sake . . . Teacher: Please don't smoke sir, this is a school. Fitz : That's where I started. Fitz : So - you don't drink, you don't smoke, and you don't gamble. What do you do then? C'mon Michael, there must be something for you to confess! A little wank on the sofa during Baywatch isn't a mortal sin! [To Beck] Fitz : You're a bit like a doctor, aren't you? Beck : Sorry? Fitz : You tend to bury your mistakes. [To a waiter at a restaurant where Judith and Graham are on a date] Fitz : It's really very sad - see, I'm a psychologist, and she's one of my patients. Judith : I'm NOT your patient, Fitz! I'm your wife! Fitz : Oh yeah! Hi there - didn't recognize you without your straight jacket! Fitz : Think of testicles! Penhaligon : I do nothing but! Penhaligon : To be left at the airport, Fitz, that's one thing. But to be left by a big, fat, egocentric, middle-aged man, well, that's a different thing altogether. Fitz : I didn't mind the big. [Cassidy threatens to kill himself] Fitz : What's your first name? Cassidy : Nigel. Fitz : Jesus, I'd be suicidal. Priest: It must be hard to maintain that level of cynicism, Dr. Fitzgerald. Fitz : Not at all, Father. It must be hard to maintain that level of faith. Movie Title: From Hell (2001) as Sgt. Peter Godley / Peter Godley: [reading the return address on the package sent by Jack the Ripper] Peter Godley : "From Hell". Well at least they got the address right. Sgt. Peter Godley : Right, once more into the breach, gentlemen! [the police constables remain where they are, confused] Sgt. Peter Godley : Dismissed. Peter Godley : They used to burn men like you, alive. Movie Title: GoldenEye (1995) as Valentin Dmitrovitch Zukovsky: Valentin Dmitrovitch Zukovsky : He wants to ask ME for a favor! My knee aches every single day! Twice as bad when it is cold. Do you have any idea how long the winter lasts in this country? Tell him, Dmitri. Bodyguard : Well, it depends... Valentin Dmitrovitch Zukovsky : SILENCE! Valentin Dmitrovitch Zukovsky : James Bond. Charming, sophisticated secret agent. "Shaken, but not stirred." [laughter] James Bond : I see you haven't lost your delicate sense of humour, Valentin. [looks around the club] James Bond : Or your need for an audience. Tell me, who's strangling the cat? Valentin Dmitrovitch Zukovsky : Strangling a cat? [He looks over and sees Irina singing, then shoots right between Bond's legs] Valentin Dmitrovitch Zukovsky : That is Irina, my mistress. James Bond : Very talented girl. [Zukovsky looks to the stage] Valentin Dmitrovitch Zukovsky : Irina, take a hike! Valentin Dmitrovitch Zukovsky : So Mr Bond, what brings you to my neighborhood? Still working for MI6, or have you decided to join the 21st century? I hear the new M is a lady! Valentin Dmitrovitch Zukovsky : [as Bond draws a gun to his head] Walther PPK, 7.65 millimeter. Only three men I know of use such a gun. I believe I've killed two of them. James Bond : Lucky me. [A gun is pointed at the back of Bond's head] Valentin Dmitrovitch Zukovsky : I think not. Movie Title: The Planman (2003) as Jack Lennox QC: [to Richards] Jack Lennox QC : Right now I want to tear your bloody head off and pour battery acid down the stump. [In the middle of dinner] Jack Lennox QC : Kirsty, the last original thought you had in your head died of loneliness. Kirsty Hennessy-Boyd : I'm Sorry? Crawford Hennessy-Boyd : Steady on Jack! Jack Lennox QC : Oh, and you know your husband's been having an affair with his secretary. Worse than that, he's been two timing her with his office junior! And the only reason Richards has graced us with his company tonight is that he think if he licks a few political arseholes, it will speed his climb up the greasy pole to Chief Constable! So Bollocks to you. Bollocks to the lot of you! Movie Title: Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone (2001) as Hagrid: Hagrid : You're the boy who lived. [after Harry mentions Fluffy to Hagrid] Hagrid : who told you 'bout Fluffy? Ron : Fluffy? Hermione : That thing has a name? [Talking about Fluffy] Hagrid : I lent him to Dumbledore to guard the... Harry : Yes? Hagrid : I shouldn't have told you that. No more questions, don't ask anymore questions! [Repeated line] Hagrid : I shouldn't have said that. Hagrid : You're a wizard, Harry! Harry : I'm a what? Hagrid : Dry up Dursley, you great prune! [Looking at a recently hatched dragon] Hagrid : Isn't he beautiful? Oh, bless him! Look! He knows his mummy! 'alo Norbert! Harry : Norbert? Hagrid : Yeah, well, he's gotta have a name, don't he? Harry : [on how Hagrid is refusing to say Voldemort's name] Maybe if you wrote it down... Hagrid : Nah. Can't spell it. Hagrid : Not all wizards are good. Uncle Vernon : He'll not be going! Hagrid : Oh, and I suppose a great muggle like yourself is gonna stop him, are ya? [Hagrid has just very aggressively knocked down the door where the Dursleys are staying] Hagrid : [Calmly] Sorry 'bout that [Picks door up and slams it back in place] Draco Malfoy : OK. Then I get Fang! Hagrid : Fine. Just so you know, he's a bloody coward. [telling how to get past fluffy] Hagrid : you just play a bit of music and he'll fall right to sleep... I shouldn't have told you that! [in King's Cross] Hagrid : What are you lookin' at? Hagrid : If that dolt of a cousin of yours, Dudley, gets up to any mischief, you could always threaten him with a nice pair of ears, to go with that tail. Harry : But, Hagrid, we,re not allowed to do magic outside Hoqwarts. Hagrid : I know that, but your cousin don't, do he? Movie Title: Van Helsing (2004) as Mr. Hyde: Van Helsing : I missed you in London. Mr. Hyde : No, you bloody did not. You got me good. [shows Van Helsing a bullet wound] Movie Title: Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (2004) as Hagrid: [after being "attacked" by Buckbeak the hippogriff] Malfoy : You're going to regret this. Hagrid : Class dismissed. Malfoy : You and your bloody chicken. Movie Title: Mona Lisa (1986) as Thomas: Thomas : [shows George a plate of plastic spaghetti] What do you think? George : Do you melt it down and eat it? Thomas : No. They're ornamental. George : Ornamental spaghetti. Thomas : Yeah. Could go a bomb. George : Where'd you get them? Thomas : Contacts, George. You can't find plastic spaghetti just anywhere. Movie Title: The Pope Must Diet (1991) as The Pope: The Pope : [as Carmelengo is lowering the triple crown onto his head] You don't understand! You've got the wrong man! Carmelengo : That's what they all say. |
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