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    Dan Castellaneta Quotation






    Movie Title: The Simpsons Christmas Special (1989) as Homer:



    Bart : Hey, Santa, what's shaking, Man?
    Homer : [Dressed as Santa] Um, what's your name, Bart... Ner? Uh, little partner?
    Bart : I'm Bart Simpson, who the hell are you?


    Bart : Can we keep him, Dad? Please?
    Homer : But he's a loser. He's pathetic. He's... [The dog licks his face]
    Homer : A Simpson.


    Homer : Look at this tree. Beauty, isn't it?
    Patty : Why is there a bird house in it?
    Homer : Er... That's an ornament.
    Selma : Do I smell gun powder?


    Marge : This is the best gift of all, Homer.
    Homer : It is?
    Marge : Yes, something to share our love. And to frighten prowlers.


    Homer : [Answering the phone] Hello?
    Patty : Is Marge there?
    Homer : Who is this?
    Patty : Marge, please?
    Homer : This is her sister, isn't it?
    Patty : May I please speak to Marge?
    Homer : Whom shall I ask is calling?
    Patty : Marge, please.


    Homer : Now that just leaves little Maggie. Ah, a squeak toy. It says it's for dogs, but she can't read.


    Homer : I don't wanna leave until our dog finishes. [They wait 5 minutes]
    Homer : Ah forget it, let's go.


    Homer : What are the odds on Santa's Little Helper? Bookie: 99 to 1.
    Homer : Woo-hoo! You hear that, Boy? 99 times 13 equals Merry Christmas!


    Homer : Did you hear that, Boy? Santa's Little Helper. It's a sign. It's an omen.
    Bart : It's a coincidence, Dad.

    Boy: And then I want some Robotoids, and a Gook monster, and then I want a great, big...
    Homer : [Dressed as Santa] Ah, Son, you don't need all that junk. I'm sure you've already got something much more important: A decent home and a loving father who would do anything for you. Hey, I can't afford lunch so give me a bite of that donut.

    Movie Title: Olive, the Other Reindeer (1999) as The Postman:



    The Postman : Christmas, bah, bug and hum!





    Movie Title: Hey Arnold! (1996) as Grandpa Phil / Nick Vermicelli / Grandpa / The Jolly Olly Man:


    [Grandpa believes he has died]
    Grandpa : Well, that's it. I must be in heaven. Oh, no! Oskar's here! This must be the other place!


    Nick Vermicelli : This time I'll be a 50% partner.
    'Big' Bob Pataki : 20.
    Nick Vermicelli : 40.
    'Big' Bob Pataki : 20.
    Nick Vermicelli : 30.
    'Big' Bob Pataki : 20.
    Nick Vermicelli : Deal.


    Grandpa : Sounds like young Arnold's got another one of his complex labyrinthine conundrums of a boyhood problem.


    Arnold : Hey Grandpa, I've got a problem.
    Grandpa : Shoot it at me, short man.
    Arnold : Well, see, there's this big jerk at school, he says he's gonna...
    Grandpa : - says he's gonna beat you up, eh?
    Arnold : Well, yeah.
    Grandpa : Gonna give you 24 hours to dangle, eh?
    Arnold : That's right!
    Grandpa : Big guy, huh? Slow, but with lots of power. Squash you like a bug, eh?
    Arnold : Yeah, yeah! What should I do?
    Grandpa : I have no idea.
    Arnold : I've got to think of something, Grandpa.
    Grandpa : Well, you could skip town. But then you'd have to live the rest of your life in fear, always looking over your shoulder, waiting for... that day. You try reasoning with him? Oh, a moron, eh? Well Arnold, I wish I knew what to tell you. In eighty years I think I've only learned one thing for sure.
    Arnold : What's that?
    Grandpa : Never eat raspberries. [Grandpa holds his stomach]
    Grandpa : Gotta go! [Grandpa runs to the bathroom]


    The Jolly Olly Man : Haven't you ever heard of supply and demand?
    Helga : Well, I demand that you supply me with some ice cream, before I knock your teeth out!


    Mr. Hyunh : How big was this punk?
    Arnold : Big.
    Mr. Hyunh : Big punk?
    Grandpa : Oh, shimmer down you hot-headed loony!


    Grandpa : Everything in nature is beautiful. Unless it's ugly.


    Arnold : What's scat?
    Grandpa : You know, scat. Droppings. Like what you're standing in.

    [The residents are moaning about the furnace breaking]
    Grandpa : You call this cold? You should have been here in the winter of 49!
    Mr Hyunh : I don't care, I was in Vietnam in 1949... plus I was not born yet!

    [After Grandpa Phil gave him advice] Arnold: Thanks, Grandpa.
    Grandpa Phil : Sure, Arnold, anytime... Except next Wednesday at 3:30. I'm having a wart removed then.


    Grandpa : [Grandpa is reading out of Arnold's father's journal, an entry describing a volcanic eruption] "It was terrifying and beautiful all at the same time" [to Grandma]
    Grandpa : kind of like you, Pookie.





    Movie Title: Back to the Future (1991) as Doc Brown:



    Doc Brown : Holy bovine!


    Doc Brown : See you in the future!


    Doc Brown : Holy Marconi!
    Verne Brown : And cheese!


    Doc Brown : Oucha magoucha!


    Marty McFly : What could possibly happen to us?
    Doc Brown : Marty, you remember what happened to the Wicked Witch of the West in The Wizard of Oz?
    Marty McFly : Yeah.
    Doc Brown : We won't be so lucky!
    Marty McFly : What a world!





    Movie Title: Earthworm Jim (1995) as Earthworm Jim:



    Earthworm Jim : Superheroes and evil twins go together like peanut butter and... evil peanut butter!


    Earthworm Jim : It's HAGGIS! The heart, lungs and liver of a sheep boiled in its own stomach."


    Earthworm Jim : I'm proud to live in a nation where anyone, regardless of species, can BUY a college education.


    Peter Puppy : Once again, evil is as rotting meat before the maggots of justice!
    Earthworm Jim : Thank you for cramming that delightful image into my brain, Peter.

    Giant Fur-bearin' Trout: Fear not, small fragrant one. Those who flow with the waters of the trout shall perservere. Those who would use the trout for evil shall be destroyed upon the lathe of heaven...
    Earthworm Jim : Gosh! Really? Giant Fur-bearin' Trout: You betcha! Or the bandsaw of paradise! Or maybe even the great cordless beltsander of nirvana! It's got three speeds!





    Movie Title: Aladdin (1993) as Icafrak / Genie:



    Iago : Face it Einstein, you're washed up.
    Icafrak : I may be washed up, but I'm no Einstein.

    [Genie turns into a butterfly]
    Genie : I feel so... pretty!

    [Aladding finds the Genie and Iago in the clutches of the bad guys]
    Genie : Don't worry about us, Al.
    Iago : Who asked you? Worry, Al. Fret, even!


    Genie : I can throw my voice. Catching it is another matter.


    Genie : Kid's got a genie, and he takes advice from a rug.

    Crowd: Liberation Day! It's Liberation Day!
    Iago : What's Liberation Day?
    Genie : It means school's out and no mail.


    Iago : There is no food here. This foraging stuff is for the...
    Genie : (as a bird) Birds?
    Iago : You are *so* droll.

    [Genie changes Iago into a woman]
    Genie : (suggestively) This is a good look for you, and it could be permanent.

    [Jasmine, Genie, and Aladdin are about to blow something up]
    Jasmine : It's showtime.
    Genie : [appears with box of popcorn] It is? I love a good show! What are we gonna see?
    Aladdin : Genie, she means light the fuse.


    Genie : Here's my bill for saving your life. It's been nice working with you.





    Movie Title: Planescape:
    Torment (1999) as Nordom:


    Nordom : The issue no longer equals total logic.


    Fall-from-Grace : You know, Nordrom, you are perhaps the cutest little rogue modron I have ever encountered.
    Nordom : 'Cutest' is a subjective term. I prefer the designation "fearsome cubed warrior".
    Fall-from-Grace : Of course! That's why you're so cute.


    Nordom : Attention; Morte. I have a question. Do you have a destiny? A purpose?
    Morte : Is Annah still wearing clothes?
    Nordom : Affirmatory.
    Morte : Then the answer is yes.


    Nordom : A query, Annah: is your tail's purpose to indicate your current level of hostility?
    Annah : [angrily] What kind of stupid question is that you pikin' sod box?
    Nordom : My analysis is correct. Danger! Danger!


    Morte : Hey Nordom, knock-knock.
    Nordom : Why do you persist in addressing me as a door?
    Morte : It's a joke, you stupid polygon! You're supposed to answer "Who's there?"
    Nordom : I know who is there. It is you. Why would I ask a question when I already know the answer?
    Morte : Just forget it.


    Morte : Hey Nordom, calculate the easiest way for me to snuggle with Annah's pillows.
    Nordom : Annah, Morte wishes to snuggle with your pillows!


    Nordom : Nordom is a fearsome cubic warrior!


    Nordom : Nordom and crossbows wish to go in search in trouble!





    Movie Title: Animaniacs (1993) as Dracula:



    Dracula : I am Count Dracula.
    Yakko : Didn't you use to teach math on Sesame Street?





    Movie Title: The Simpsons Road Rage (2001) as Homer Simpson / Quimby / Groundskeeper Willy / Krusty the Clown:



    Homer Simpson : Get in, I've got candy


    Groundskeeper Willy : Eat tractor!

    [after running over somebody]
    Krusty the Clown : Now that's comedy!


    Homer Simpson : You drive like I think... slowly!


    Groundskeeper Willy : Get ready for some Big Willy Style!


    Quimby : Stop, you idiot!


    Krusty the Clown : There goes another lawsuit!


    Krusty the Clown : Hey-hey! Get in the car and shut up!


    Krusty the Clown : Hey-hey! Get in the car and shut up!


    Krusty the Clown : Ow, my shoes!


    Homer Simpson : [singing] I am so smart. S-M-R-T, I mean S-M-A-R-T.


    Groundskeeper Willy : Aii, I got to go to Skinner's. He's making me hose off his mother.





    Movie Title: Futurama (1999) as Beelzebot, The Robot Devil:


    [suffering torment in Robot Hell]
    Bender : But I don't belong here. I don't like things that are scary and painful.
    Beelzebot, The Robot Devil : Sorry, Bender, you agreed to this when you joined our religion. If you sin, you go straight to Robot Hell - for all eternity.
    Bender : Ah, hell - I mean, heck.
    Beelzebot, The Robot Devil : No, it's all right. You can say that here.

    [Robot Devil appears]
    Bender : What up?
    Beelzebot, The Robot Devil : Oh. Well it so happens that I'm in the mood to make a deal with you.
    Bender : Forget it. You can't tempt me.
    Beelzebot, The Robot Devil : Really? There's nothing you want?
    Bender : Hmm. I forgot you could tempt me with things I want.





    Movie Title: Laughter on the 23rd Floor (2001) as Milt:



    Lucas : My name is Lucas.
    Milt : Not Arnie?
    Lucas : No, Lucas.
    Milt : Too Late. I already learned Arnie.

    [Re: Max's health]
    Val : God forgive me for saying this word: Nervous breakdown!
    Milt : That's two words. God will never forgive you!

    [With a thick Russian accent]
    Val : Go feck yourself.
    Milt : There's no such word as feck. A person cannot go feck themselves. You cannot be an American citizen until you learn to say "Go fuck yourself."
    Val : Kiss my Naturalization papers.


    Val : My dog dreams funnier than you.
    Milt : My dog can say, "Fucking pumpernickel."


    Max : I want to hit something else. Something big, expensive.
    Milt : There's a bank across the street, Max.


    Brian : In thirty years, these guys'll be writing game shows and I'll be the Preisdent of M-G-M, screwing Lana Turner.
    Milt : When she's sixty-two? Why?


    Val : You think it's funny that Max called me at 12 AM midnight?
    Milt : Only when you say it.





    Movie Title: The Simpsons (1989) as Kodos / Hans Moleman / Sideshow Bob / Grampa / L.T Smash / Waif / Mel Brooks / Homer Simpson / Arnie Pie / Homer's ghost / Krusty The Clown / Abe Simpson / Krusty the Clown / Mayor Quimby / Santa's Little Helper / Homer / Homer's Brain / Barney / Sideshow Mel / Groundskeeper Willie / Grampa Simpson / Willy / Barney Gumble / Homer's Liver:


    [Praying heavenward]
    Homer : I'm not normally a religious man, but if you're up there, save me, Superman!


    Lisa : I still believe in protecting animal's rights, but that still doesn't excuse what I did. I'm sorry for wrecking your barbecue, dad.
    Homer : That's okay, honey. I used to believe in things too.


    Homer : Marge, old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.


    Lisa : Dad, what's a Muppet?
    Homer : Well, it's not quite a mop, it's not quite a puppet, but man... [laughs hysterically]
    Homer : So to answer your question, I don't know.


    Lisa : As you know, we've been swimming. And we've developed a taste for it. We agree that getting our own pool is the way to go. Now before you respond, you should know that your refusal will result in months and months of...
    Bart ,
    Lisa : CanwehaveapoolDad? CanwehaveapoolDad? CanwehaveapoolDad? CanwehaveapoolDad? CanwehaveapoolDad?
    Homer : I understand. Let us celebrate our agreement with the adding of chocolate to milk.


    Homer : Alcohol, the cause of and solution to all life's problems.


    Billy Corgan : Billy Corgan, Smashing Pumpkins.
    Homer : Homer Simpson, smiling politely.


    Krusty the Clown : This I don't need.


    Homer : [gets a package that has to be sent out but returns it to Mr. Burn's office] Here's your package, Mr. Burns!
    Mr. Burns : My name is the return address! Smithers, who is this nincompoop?
    Homer : [thinking] I've worked here for 10 years and my boss doesn't even know my name! Well, that's going to change right now!
    Homer : My name is Homer J. Simp... [Homer gets hit on the head with a weight that says 1000 Grams]
    Mr. Burns : Hm, sounded large when I ordered it. I don't think I should bother with these metric booby traps!

    [Homer at bank getting loan to buy Lisa a pony]
    Homer : Uh, I need to borrow $5000.
    Bank Clerk : Sorry, I can't approve a loan that big myself. I'll have to get someone with authority. [she leaves. Mr. Burns and Smithers appear]
    Mr. Burns : Hello!
    Homer : Mr. Burns! You do this personally?
    Mr. Burns : Well, it's sort of a hobby, you know. Now, what's this? You want to borrow $5000 to buy a pony? Smithers, isn't that wonderful! He's joining the horsey clan! [lowers voice]
    Mr. Burns : That is it, isn't it? You're not going to eat it, are you?
    Homer : No! I need $5000 to buy a pony for my daughter because she doesn't love me anymore...
    Smither : Shut up, Simpson! Do you have any collateral?
    Mr. Burns : Oh, Smithers, let's not badger the man! His spirit is my collateral! [to Homer]
    Mr. Burns : By the way, are you familiar with our state's anti-usury laws?
    Homer : Us-ury?
    Mr. Burns : Oh, silly me! I must have just used a word that doesn't exist. Sign here! [Homer signs contract. Burns laughs manically, then coughs and laughs sweetly when Homer looks at him]
    Mr. Burns : Sorry, I was just thinking of something funny Smithers said today.
    Smithers : I didn't say anything funny, sir.
    Mr. Burns : [whispering] Shut up!


    Ned Flanders : Now remember, the instant you finish it, I own your soul for... [Homer has already scarfed the donut]
    Homer : Hey, wait. If I don't finish this last bite, you don't get my soul, do you?
    Ned Flanders : Well, technically no, but...
    Homer : I'm smarter than the Devil. I'm smarter than the Dev... [Flanders turns into a huge demon]
    Ned Flanders : You are not smarter than me. i'll see you in hell yet, Homer Simpson.

    [Krusty is trying to talk Sideshow Mel into quitting his job a fast-food joint]
    Krusty the Clown : So what, you wanna spend your life hanging out with a bunch of dorky teenagers? Squeeky-Voiced Teen: Here's your taco, Mister. Whoops. It fell in the fryer. I'll get it out. Ow! Ow! Ow-w-w! Ow-w-w!
    Sideshow Mel : Sorry Krusty, I like it here. Mr. Johansen treats me with dignity. Mr. Johansen: Is this clown bothering you, Mel?
    Sideshow Mel : It's alright, Mr Johansen, I'll handle it. Squeeky-Voiced Teen: Here you go, sir.
    Krusty the Clown : I don't want it. Squeeky-Voice Teen: But this comes out of my salary. If I had a girlfriend, she'd kill me.

    [the Simpsons are housesitting at Mr. Burns' mansion. They are eating dinner at Mr. Burns' oversized dinner table]
    Marge : This all seems a little elaborate for Sloppy Joes. I know what the other 12 forks are for, but I don't know what to do with this one.
    Homer : Why Marge my dear, I believe you are supposed to scratch your ass with it.
    Marge : Homer! [scratches rear with fork]
    Marge : Ooh...


    Robot 1 : Hey, these cards are mine. [table falls]
    Robot 2 : Now look what you've done.
    Robot 1 : I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me.
    Robot 3 : Let's forget this whole thing happened.
    Homer : What the heck is this, a tea party? Somebody kill somebody. [Homer smashes a bottle on a robot's head. The robots begin to shoot Homer, who dives under a table]
    Marge : What is it with you and robots?

    [Krusty the Klown cast members are eating lunch]
    Sideshow Mel : BAH! There's cheese in this sandwich. Surely you know I'm lactose intolerant.
    Bart : Sorry!
    Sideshow Mel : Sorry? Do you know how sick this is going to make me? Oh boy! Come stand outside the bathroom. I want to yell at you some more... [Mel yells from inside the bathroom]
    Sideshow Mel : WHY YOU LITTLE RAPSCALLION!
    Bart : Show business sucks. I'm outta here.


    Homer : I don't need your pity or your money. [pockets money]
    Ron Howard : Usually when you say that, you give the money back.

    [Homer has been thrown out of an all-you-can-eat restaurant for eating too much]
    Lionel Hutz : This is the most blatant case of false advertising since my suit against the movie The Neverending Story.
    Homer : So, do you think I have a case?
    Lionel Hutz : Mr. Simpson, I don't use the word 'hero' lightly, but you are the greatest hero in American history.
    Homer : Woohoo!


    Mulder : Mr. Simpson, we want you to recreate your every move the night you saw the alien.
    Homer : The evening began at the gentlemen's club, where we were discussing Wittgenstein over a game of backgammon.
    Scully : Mr. Simpson, it's a felony to lie to the FBI.
    Homer : We were sitting in Barney's car eating packets of mustard. Happy?


    Willy : Don't be hard on the wee boy. His father is going to ga-ga and chop 'em all into haggis.
    Bart : What's haggis?
    Willy : You read my mind boy. You've got the shinning.
    Bart : You mean "shining"?
    Willy : Shh. You want to get sued?


    Homer : The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother. I call him Gamblor, and it's time to snatch your mother from his neon claws.


    Homer : God bless those pagans.


    Bart : As God as my witness, I WILL pass the fourth grade.
    Homer : And if you don't pass, you'll be bigger than the other kids.


    Homer : Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals... except the weasel.


    Homer : Got any of that beer that has candy floating in it? You know, Skittlebrau?
    Apu : Such a beer does not exist, sir. I think you must have dreamed it.
    Homer : Oh. Well, then just give me a six-pack and a couple of bags of Skittles.

    Dealer: 19.
    Homer : Hit me. Dealer: 20.
    Homer : Hit me. Dealer: 21.
    Homer : Hit me. Dealer: 22.
    Homer : D'oh!

    [the Simpsons have accidentally built a barn from a pool kit]
    Homer : Alright, everybody in the pool. Amish Farmer: 'Tis a fine barn, but sure 'tis no pool, English.
    Homer : D'oh-eth!

    [after Homer runs over a deer]
    Homer : D'oh!
    Marge : A deer!
    Lisa : A female deer.


    Homer : But wait. You can't kill me for being Krusty. I'm not him. I'm Homer Simpson.
    Fat Tony : The same Homer Simpson who crashed his car through the wall of our club?
    Homer : Uh... actually my name is Barney. Barney Gumble. Les: The same Barney Gumble who keeps taking pictures of my sister?
    Homer : Uh, actually my real name is uh, think Krusty, think, Joe Valachi.
    Louie : The same Joe Valachi who squealed to the Senate Committee about organized crime?
    Homer : Benedict Arnold. Legs: The same Benedict Arnold who plotted to surrender West Point to the hated British?
    Homer : D'oh!


    Bart : You lie like a fly with a booger in its eye.
    Homer : [laughing] The fly was funny, but the booger was the icing on the cake.


    Homer : I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to SPEED around a city, keeping its SPEED over fifty, and if its SPEED dropped, it would explode. I think it was called, "The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down."


    Lisa : I'm studying for the math fair. If I win, I'll get a brand new protractor.
    Homer : Too bad we don't live on a farm.


    Lisa : I like him. He's smart, he's sensitive, he's clearly not obsessed with his physical appearance...
    Homer : [walking by] My ears are burning.
    Lisa : Uh, I wasn't talking about you, Dad.
    Homer : No, my ears are really burning. I wanted to see inside so I lit a Q-Tip.
    Marge : Mmm...


    Homer : God is teasing me. Just like he teased Moses in the desert.
    Marge : *Tested,* Homer. God *tested* Moses.


    Moe : I've been planning this vacation for years. I'm finally going to see Easter Island.
    Homer : Oh, right, with the giant heads.
    Moe : With the what now?


    Marge : Homer, the plant called. They said if you don't show up tomorrow don't bother showing up on Monday.
    Homer : Woo-hoo! Four-day weekend!

    Shopkeeper: Take this object, but beware: it carries a terrible curse.
    Homer : Oooh, that's bad. Shopkeeper: But it comes with a free Frogurt.
    Homer : That's good. Shopkeeper: The Frogurt is also cursed.
    Homer : That's bad. Shopkeeper: But you get your choice of toppings.
    Homer : That's good. Shopkeeper: The toppings contain potassium benzoate. [Homer looks puzzled] Shopkeeper: That's bad.
    Homer : Can I go now?

    [Bart's looking for his dog]
    Willy : Yeah, I bought your mutt - and I 'ate 'im. [Bart gasps]
    Willy : I 'ate 'is little face, I 'ate 'is guts, and I 'ate the way 'e's always barkin'. So I gave 'im to the church.
    Bart : Ohhh, I see... you HATE him, so you gave him to the church.
    Willy : Aye. I also 'ate the mess he left on me rug. [Bart stares]
    Willy : Ya heard me.


    Grampa Simpson : Welcome home, son. I broke two lamps and lost all your mail. What's wrong with your wife?
    Homer : Never mind, you wouldn't understand.
    Grampa Simpson : Flu?
    Homer : No.
    Grampa Simpson : Protein deficiency?
    Homer : No.
    Grampa Simpson : Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis?
    Homer : No.
    Grampa Simpson : Unsatisfying sex life?
    Homer : N - yes. But please, don't you say that word.
    Grampa Simpson : What, seeex? What's so unappealing about hearing your elderly father talk about sex? I had seeeeex.


    Homer : I don't have to be careful. I have a gun.

    [Lisa has had a nightmare]
    Lisa : Well, I know it's absurd, but I dreamed the boogeyman was after me, and he was hiding under...
    Homer : AHHHHHHHH! BOOGEYMAN! You nail the windows shut, I'll get the gun! [Homer bursts into Bart's room]
    Homer : Bart, I don't want to alarm you, but there may be a boogeyman or boogeymen in the house!
    Bart : AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!


    Mr. Burns : We don't have to be adversaries, Homer. We both want a fair union contract.
    Homer : [thinking] Why is Mr. Burns being so nice to me?
    Mr. Burns : And if you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours.
    Homer : [thinking] Wait a minute. Is he coming onto me?
    Mr. Burns : I mean, if I should slip something into your pocket, what's the harm?
    Homer : [thinking] My God. He *is* coming onto me.
    Mr. Burns : After all, negotiations make strange bedfellows. [chuckle]
    Mr. Burns : [wink]
    Homer : [thinking] Aaaaaagh! [aloud]
    Homer : Sorry, Mr. Burns, but I don't go in for these backdoor shenanigans. Sure, I'm flattered, maybe even a little curious, but the answer is no.

    [Homer lies in a drunken heap]
    Marge : I've never been so embarrassed in my life.
    Homer : Why, what did you do?


    Barney : I'm Barney Gumble, and I'm and alcoholic.
    Lisa : Mr Gumble, this is a girl scout meeting.
    Barney : Is it? Or is it that you girls can't admit that you have a problem?


    Homer : Here are your messages: "You have thirty minutes to move your car." "You have ten minutes to move your car." "Your car has been impounded." "Your car has been crushed into a cube." "You have thirty minutes to move your cube."


    Homer : [singing] My baloney has a first name, it's H-O-M-E-R, my baloney has a second name, it's H-O-M-E-R.


    Marge : I think we're going to need a bigger place.
    Homer : No, we don't. I've got it all figured out. The baby can have Bart's room and Bart can sleep with us until he's 21.
    Marge : Won't that warp him?
    Homer : My cousin Frank did it.
    Marge : You don't have a cousin Frank.
    Homer : He became Francine in '76. Then he joined that cult. I think his name is Mother Shabubu now.


    Marge : Bart's such a handful, and Maggie needs attention, but all the while, our little Lisa's becoming a young woman.
    Homer : Oh, so that's it, this is some kind of underwear thing.

    [Homer is applying for a job as a department store Santa Claus] Manager: Do you like children?
    Homer : What do you mean, all the time? Even when they're nuts?


    Homer : Okay, now look. My boss is going to be at this picnic, so I want you to show your father some love and/or respect.
    Lisa : Tough choice.
    Bart : I'm picking respect.


    Homer : Sometimes I think we're the worst family in town.
    Marge : Maybe we should move to a larger community.


    Homer : Son, about last night. You might've noticed Daddy acting a little strange and you probably don't understand why.
    Bart : I understand why. You were wasted.
    Homer : I'm sorry it happened, and I just hope you didn't lose a lot of respect for me.
    Bart : Dad, I have as much respect for you as I ever did or ever will.
    Homer : Aww.


    Grampa Simpson : Look what your bad egg of a son did to my teeth!
    Homer : [rolling eyes] Dad, you and your stories. "Bart broke my teeth," "The nurses are stealing my money," "This thing on my neck is getting bigger."

    [Lisa has received an academic alert that she is failing gym class]
    Marge : Lisa, your father and I are very concerned about this warning. I really hope you try harder.
    Homer : Whew. That's all of 'em. [puts stack of academic alerts in front of Bart]
    Homer : And I'm so proud you didn't try to forge my name. How about a present, son?
    Bart : Well, I could use a new pair of hockey skates.
    Homer : Done and done.
    Lisa : That's not fair. Why is Bart getting a present and I'm getting chewed out?
    Homer : [sitting back] Ah, the mysteries of life.


    Bart : I am through with working. Working is for chumps.
    Homer : Son, I am proud of you. I was twice your age when I figured that out.


    Homer : Your mother has this crazy idea that gambling is wrong. Even though they say it's okay in the Bible.
    Lisa : Really? Where?
    Homer : Eh, somewhere in the back.


    Marge : Homer, I think the baby's coming.
    Homer : Wow. A baby and a free burger. Could this be the best day of my life?


    Dr. Hibbert : Homer, I'm afraid you'll have to undergo a coronary bypass operation.
    Homer : Say it in English, Doc.
    Dr. Hibbert : You're going to need open-heart surgery.
    Homer : Spare me your medical mumbo-jumbo.
    Dr. Hibbert : We're going to cut you open and tinker with your ticker.
    Homer : Could you dumb it down a shade?


    Homer : Kids, kids. I'm not going to die. That only happens to bad people.
    Bart : What about Abraham Lincoln?
    Homer : Uh, he sold poison milk to school children.


    Lisa : Dad, is it all right to take things from people you don't like?
    Homer : Sure it is, honey. You *do* mean stealing, don't you?


    Homer : I'll never wiggle my bare butt in public again.
    Lisa : I'd like to believe that this time. I really would.


    Homer : Whoa, careful now. These are dangerous streets for us upper-lower-middle-class types. So avoid eye contact, watch your pocketbook, and suspect everyone.
    Snake : Three card monte.
    Homer : Woo hoo! Easy money!


    Homer : So I says, blue M&M, red M&M, they all wind up the same color in the end.


    Bart : Hey Homer, this house sucks.
    Homer : Bart, I told you to never use that word. Call me Daddy.


    Lisa : Relax? I can't relax. Nor can I yield, relent, or... Only two synonyms? Oh my God, I'm losing my perspicacity. Aaaaa!
    Homer : Well, it's always in the last place you look.


    Moe : Hey, I don't need no advice from a pinball machine. I'll have you know, I wrote the book on love.
    Grampa Simpson : Yeah - "All Quiet on the Western Front".


    Sideshow Mel : I love you, Krusty.
    Krusty the Clown : Quiet.

    Alien: I bring you love.
    Lenny : It's bringing love, don't let it get away.
    Carl : Break its legs.
    Lisa : No. Wait. [Shines torch on alien to reveal Mr. Burns]
    Willy : Argh. It's a monster. Kill it, kill it!
    Smithers : No, stop. It's not a monster, it's Mr Burns.
    Willy : Ahhh, it's Mr Burns. Kill it, kill it!


    Bart : Dad, I think I need some fresh air. Can I go to the park?
    Homer : Do I have to sit up?
    Bart : No.
    Homer : Knock yourself out.


    Homer : If he didn't steal the church collection plate money, why is he wearing those fancy clothes?
    Marge : Those were the clothes he wore to church.
    Homer : Oooooh, how convenient.

    [Homer, feeling behind the couch for a peanut he dropped, finds a twenty dollar bill instead]
    Homer : Oh, twenty dollars. I wanted a peanut.
    Homer's Brain : Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts.
    Homer : Explain how.
    Homer's Brain : Money can be exchanged for goods and services.
    Homer : Woo-hoo!


    Homer : I am so smart. I am so smart. I am so smart. S-M-R-T. I mean, S-M-A-R-T.


    Homer : Hey, we didn't have a message on our answering machine when we left. How very odd.

    [Kicking Walt Whitman's tombstone]
    Homer : I. Hate. You. Walt. Freaking. Whitman. "Leaves of Grass", my ass!


    Willy : There's nary an animal alive that can outrun a greased Scotsman.


    Homer : I like my beer cold, my TV loud, and my homosexuals fa-laaaaming.

    [Homer and Apu on a quest through the Himalayas to get Apu's job back]
    Apu : There it is, the world's first convenience store.
    Homer : This isn't very convenient.
    Apu : Must you knock on everything we do?

    [Flash-forward to Lisa's wedding]
    Homer : Little Lisa, Lisa Simpson. You know, I always felt you were the best thing my name ever got attached to. Ever since the time you learned to pin your own diapers, you've been smarter than me.
    Lisa : Oh, Dad...
    Homer : No, no, let me finish. I just want you to know I've always been proud of you. You're my greatest accomplishment, and you did it all yourself. You taught me to understand my own life better, and made me a better person, but you're still my daughter, and I don't think anyone has ever had a better daughter than...
    Lisa : Dad, you're babbling.
    Homer : See? You're still helping me.


    Homer : Hey boy. Wanna play catch?
    Bart : No thanks dad.
    Homer : When a son doesn't want to play catch with his father something is definitely wrong.
    Grampa Simpson : I'll play catch with you.
    Homer : Go home.


    Marge : Lisa, normally, I would say that you should stand up for what you believe in, but you've been doing that an awful lot lately...
    Bart : Yeah, you made us march in that gay rights parade.
    Homer : And we cant watch Fox because they own those chemical weapons plants in Syria.


    Homer : Maybe, just once, someone will call me "sir" without adding, "you're making a scene."


    Homer : Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.


    Homer : Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike, you just go in every day and do it really half-assed - that's the American way.


    Homer : Homer no function beer well without.


    Homer : Kids, just because I don't care doesn't mean I'm not listening.


    Homer : Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark, they shoot bees at you?


    Homer : Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.


    Homer : It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.


    Homer : Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?
    Lisa : No.
    Homer : Ham?
    Lisa : No.
    Homer : Pork chops?
    Lisa : Dad, those all come from the same animal.
    Homer : Heh heh heh. Ooh, yeah, right, Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal.


    Marge : Do you want your son to be Chief Justice of the Supreme Court or a sleazy male stripper?
    Homer : Can't he be both, like the late Earl Warren?
    Marge : Earl Warren was never a stripper.
    Homer : Oh, now who's being naive?


    Homer : But every time I learn something new, it pushes out something old. Remember that time I took a home wine-making course and forgot how to drive?
    Marge : That's because you were drunk.
    Homer : And how!


    Homer : Operator. Give me the number for 911.


    Lenny : Hey, Homer? What do I tell the boss?
    Homer : Tell him I'm going to the back seat of my car with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes.

    Big brother representative: Now, Mr. Simpson, may I ask why you're here?
    Homer's Brain : Don't say revenge. Don't say revenge.
    Homer : Ummm... revenge?
    Homer's Brain : Okay, that's it. I'm outta here. [Sound FX: step step step step step... slam]


    Homer : Okay, brain. You don't like me, and I don't like you, but let's get through this thing and then I can continue killing you with beer.
    Homer's Brain : It's a deal.


    Homer : Now son, a beer is a lot like a woman. They smell good, they look good, and you'd step over your own mother just to get one. [chugs beer]
    Homer : But you cant stop there... you got to have another woman. [chugs beer]
    Homer : And another. [10 beers later]
    Homer : And so I says "Yeah? You wanna rip..." [passes out]


    Homer's Brain : Use reverse psychology.
    Homer : Oh, that sounds too complicated.
    Homer's Brain : Okay, don't use reverse psychology.
    Homer : Okay, I will.


    Homer : When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, like that movie Spaceballs. But instead it was dark and disturbing. Like that movie - Police Academy.


    Marge : Homer, did you call the audience "chicken"?
    Homer : No. I swear on this Bible.
    Marge : That's not a Bible. That's a book of carpet samples.
    Homer : Mmmm... fuzzy.


    Lisa : Dad, we did something horrible.
    Homer : Did you wreck the car?
    Bart : No.
    Homer : Did you raise the dead?
    Lisa : Yes.
    Homer : But the car's okay? Bart & Lisa: Uh-huh.
    Homer : All right then.


    Homer : [praying] Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me. As an offering, I present these milk and cookies. If you wish me to eat them instead, please give me no sign whatsoever. [brief pause]
    Homer : Thy bidding will be done. [munch munch munch]


    Homer : What's the point of going out? We're just going to wind up back here anyway.


    Maude Flanders : They were having S-E-X in front of C-H-I-L-D-R-E-N.
    Krusty the Clown : Sex Cauldron? I thought they closed that place down.


    Lisa : Oh, if I fail I won't even be able to get into Vassar.
    Homer : I've had just about enough of your Vassar-bashing, young lady.


    Groundskeeper Willie : You've mastered a dead tongue. Now can ya handle a live one?

    [Whistle sounds; Homer slides down the power plant into his car, drives away, and sings to the tune of "The Flintstones"]
    Homer : Simpson, Homer Simpson. He's the greatest guy in history. From the town of Springfield, he's about to hit a chestnut tree. AAH! [runs into a chestnut tree]


    Barney : [during his acceptance speech] I've learned that I have a gift to share with the world. From now on, I'll be a new Barnard Gumbel; clean, sober, and hardworking.
    Mayor Quimby : Congratulations, Barney, and enjoy your prize - a lifetime supply of Duff Beer. [the curtains pull back to reveal a Duff Beer tanker truck]
    Barney : Hook it to my veins! [the truck driver prepares an I.V]


    Homer : [cocks a shotgun] To the book depository!


    Marge : C'mon, Homer, Japan will be fun. You like Rashoman.
    Homer : That's not how I remember it. Besides, if we wanted to see Japanese people we could have gone to the zoo.
    Marge : Homer.
    Homer : What? The guy who washes the elephants is Japanese. His name is Takashi. He's in my book club.


    Bart : Here Homer I got you this book "Chicken Soup for the Loser".
    Homer : Hmmm is it any good?
    Bart : I don't know but it inspired Bill Buckner to open a chain of Laundromats.

    [Kodos and Kang appear at The Simpsons' door]
    Homer : Oh no, Mormons!
    Kang : Actually, we're Quantum Presbyterians.

    Drill Sergeant: Look soldier, you don't like me, and I don't like you.
    Homer : I like you. Drill Sergeant: Well, I don't like you.
    Homer : Maybe you'd like me if you got to know me better.

    [Bart has an earring]
    Bart : Come on, Homer, didn't you ever do anything crazy when you were my age?
    Homer : Well, yeah, when I was 10, I got my ear pierced. But this is completely different.


    Homer : Two hours? Why'd they build this ghost town so far away?
    Lisa : Because they discovered gold right over there.
    Homer : It's because they're stupid, that's why. That's why everybody does everything.

    Guide: Founded by prostitutes in 1849, and serviced by prostitute express riders who could bring in a fresh prostitute from Saint Joe in three days, Bloodbath Gulch quickly became known as a place where a trailhand could spend a month's pay in three minutes.
    Homer : Three minutes. [whistles]
    Marge : I never realized history was so filthy.

    [Homer is a Blackjack dealer] Ernst Stavro Blofeld: Twenty. Your move, Mr. Bond.
    James Bond : I'll take a hit, dealer. [Homer deals Bond a card]
    James Bond : Joker? You're supposed to take these out of the deck.
    Homer : Oh, sorry, I'll give you another one. [Homer deals Bond another card]
    James Bond : What's this? "Rules for Draw and Stud Poker"? Ernst Stavro Blofeld: What a pity, Mr. Bond... [Oddjob and Jaws advance on Bond and grab him]
    James Bond : But... but wait. It was Homer's fault. I can't lose. I never lose. [Oddjob and Jaws drag Bond out of the casino]
    James Bond : At least tell me your plans for world domination. Ernst Stavro Blofeld: Oh ho ho, I'm not falling for THAT one again.


    Homer : Look, all I'm saying is, if these big stars didn't want people going through their garbage and saying they're gay, then they shouldn't have tried to express themselves creatively.

    [Homer is using butter as a pencil holder]
    Marge : Is that my butter?
    Homer : Can't talk - taking another delicious memo. [Licks tip of pencil as if about to write]
    Homer : Mmmmm... memo.


    Bart : I think sharing is overrated too. And helping others. And what's all this crap I've been hearing about tolerance?
    Homer : Your ideas are intriguing and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter. But I think I'll go on the retreat anyway.

    [Looking at Uruguay on a map]
    Homer : Heehee. Look at this country. "You are gay."

    [Lisa tells Homer about Thomas Edison]
    Homer : No one man can do all that. You're a liar, honey. A dirty, rotten liar.


    Homer : How about it Bart, would you like a new backyard BBQ pit?
    Bart : Can I burn evidence in it?
    Homer : We can *all* burn evidence in it.

    Astra: Your husband's work is what we call "outsider art." It could be by a mental patient, a hillbilly or a chimpanzee.
    Homer : In high school I was voted most likely to *be* a mental patient, hillbilly or chimpanzee.


    Lisa : Dad, just for once don't you want to try something new?
    Homer : Oh Lisa, trying is just the first step toward failure.

    [Homer tries to gain passage on an escape rocket]
    Homer : I am the piano genius from the movie "Shine". Guard: And your name is...?
    Homer : Uhh... Shiney McShine.

    [Why he prefers the original "Mr. Smith Goes to Washington."]
    Homer : At least that Jimmy Stewart version had that giant rabbit who ran the Savings & Loan.

    Newspaper editor: We're looking for a new food critic, someone who doesn't immediately pooh-pooh everything he eats.
    Homer : Nah, it usually takes a few hours.

    [Bart talking about his new school uniforms]
    Bart : Mo-o-om. My slingshot doesn't fit in these pockets. And these shorts leave nothing to the imagination. These uniforms suck.
    Marge : Bart, where did you pick up words like that.
    Homer : Yeah, Moe, that team sure did suck last night. That just plain sucked. I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked.
    Marge : Homer.
    Homer : Sorry, Moe, gotta go. My damn wiener kids are listening. Bart & Lisa: [shouting] We are not wiener kids.
    Homer : Then why are you wearing those dorky uniforms? Hmmmm...?


    Krusty The Clown : Next thing you know you're some schmuck working in a box factory. Box Factory Worker: I heard that.

    [the Simpsons are in an office with two FBI men letting them know about going to the federal witness protection program] FBI man 1: All right, Homer, now your name is Mr. Thompson, so when I say hello Mr. Thompson, you say hi.
    Homer : Check! FBI man 1: Hello, Mr. Thompson. [homer stares blankly] FBI man 1: [pause] FBI man 1: Now, remember, your name is Mr. Thompson.
    Homer : Gotcha! FBI man 1: Hello, Mr. Thompson. [again Homer stares blankly] FBI man 1: [FBI men stare at each other] [hours pass by] FBI man 1: [frustrated] ARGH... Now when I step on your foot and say your name, you smile and nod.
    Homer : I got it. [stepping on Homer's foot] FBI man 1: Hello, Mr. Thompson. [Homer stares blankly again for a few seconds]
    Homer : [whispering to the FBI man next to him] I think he talking to you.

    [gunshot, Flanders is knocked down]
    Ned Flanders : Whew, good thing I always keep a Bible next to my... [second gunshot, Flanders is knocked down again]
    Ned Flanders : Whew, luckily I was wearing an extra large piece of the True Cross today. Uh, I'm going home now. [as he runs off, a third gunshot spins the head of Homer's pickaxe]
    Homer : What keeps doing that?
    Fat Tony : I told you we should have bought more than three bullets.


    Barney : Next they're gonna show my movie.
    Bart : You made a movie ?
    Barney : I made a movie? I wonder why there was a picture of me on the cover of Entertainment Weekly. [Barney holds up an Entertainment Weekly featuring him in a somber, dramatic pose]

    [In the car on the way to Florida]
    Lisa : Mom, Bart's sitting next to me.
    Bart : Mom, Lisa's growing.
    Marge : Quiet, you two. You know your father's just had a breakdown.
    Homer : My pockets hurt.

    [Homer just beat Michelangelo's David in fooz ball]
    Homer : You lose, Michelangelo's David. Whose next?


    Homer : I'd like your deadliest gun please.
    Clerk : Aisle 6- Next to the sympathy cards.

    [the B-Flats are performing the Statue of Liberty's 100th anniversary 4th of July concert in New York City in 1986]
    Homer : This next song is dedicated to a very special lady. She's 100 years old and weighs over 200... tons. Fan: This enormous lady will devour us all. [Screams and jumps into the ocean]
    Homer : I meant the statue.


    Homer : When will you people learn? In America we stopped using corporal punishment and things have never been better. The streets are safe, old people strut confidently trough the darkest alleys and the weak and nerdy are admired for their computer programming abilities. So, like us, let your children run wild and free, for as the Bible tells us, "Let your children run wild and free."


    Homer : If they can send a man to the moon, why can't they make my shoes smell good?


    Mark Hamill : Hey everybody. I'm here today as Luke Skywalker, but I'm also here to talk about Sprint. As you can see here, you can save up to three times more than the more dependable companies. Audience: Talk about Star Wars.
    Homer : Shut up you stupid nerds, he's trying to save you money on long distance calls.


    Homer : Oh, they have the Internet on computers now.


    Homer : Marge, you're my wife and I love you very much. But you're living in a world of make-believe. With flowers and bells and leprechauns, and magic frogs with funny little hats.


    Lisa : I'm so glad you're home. Bart's acting funny.
    Homer : "Ray J" funny or "O.J." funny?


    Marge : All of these notes are writen in the same hand writing except for this one.
    Homer Simpson : Oh I wrote that after Bart somehow put this tattoo on my butt. [Homer unzips his pants revealing a "wide load" tattoo on his rear end. Everyone laughs]
    Grampa Simpson : I say we call Mattlock. He'll find the culprit
    Bart : Grandpa. Mattlock isn't real.
    Grampa Simpson : Neither are my teeth but I can still eat corn if someone cuts it off of the cob and smushes it into a fine paste. Now that's good eating.
    Bart : But who'd want to hurt me? I'm this century's Dennis The Menace.


    Marge : All of these notes are written in the same hand writing except for this one.
    Homer : Oh I wrote that after Bart somehow put this tattoo on my butt. [Homer unzips his pants revealing a "wide load" tattoo on his rear end. Everyone laughs]
    Grampa Simpson : I say we call Mattlock. He'll find the culprit
    Bart : Grandpa. Mattlock isn't real.
    Grampa Simpson : Neither are my teeth but I can still eat corn if someone cuts it off of the cob and smushes it into a fine paste. Now that's good eating.
    Bart : But who'd want to hurt me? I'm this century's Dennis The Menace.
    Sideshow Bob : Roman numeral 4 article 6 an funny thing happened to me... Ohhh!
    Snake : Use a pen Sideshow Bob.


    Marge : You awful, awful man. Stay away from my son.
    Sideshow Bob : [menacing] I'll stay away. Stay away... FOREVER.
    Homer : Oh, no.
    Sideshow Bob : Wait. That's no good. [walks away, then runs back]
    Sideshow Bob : I've got a good one now. Marge, say "stay away from my son" again.
    Marge : No.


    Homer : Son, I just want you to know I have total faith in you.
    Bart : Since when?
    Homer : Since your mother yelled at me.


    Homer : Yeah, that Timmy O'Tool is a real hero.
    Lisa : How so dad?
    Homer : Well... he fell in a well... and he can't get out.
    Lisa : How does that make him a hero?
    Homer : Well it's more then you've done.

    Insurance Agent: Now this place you were at, Moe's, is this a business of some sort?
    Homer's Brain : Don't tell him you were at a bar. But what else is open at night?
    Homer : It's a pornography store. I was buying pornography.


    Homer : God, if you really are God, you'll get me tickets to that game. [doorbell rings]
    Ned Flanders : Heidely-ho, neighbor. Wanna go to the game with me? I got two tick...
    Homer : [slams the door, looks heavenward] Why do you mock me, O Lord?
    Marge : Homer, that's not God. That's just a waffle that Bart tossed up there. [Marge scrapes it off the ceiling into Homer's hands]
    Homer : I know I shouldn't eat thee, but... [bites]
    Homer : Mmm, sacrilicious.

    [observing the farm's green glow after Homer put toxic chemicals on it]
    Marge : It's eerily beautiful. Are you sure it's safe?
    Homer : You know what they say - sometimes you have to break the rules to free your heart.
    Marge : You got that from a movie poster.
    Homer : Well, when there's nothing left to believe in, believe in hope.
    Marge : Where'd you get that from?
    Homer : From the producers of "Waiting To Exhale".

    Faith: Lisa, I'm Faith Crowley, Patriotism editor of Reading Digest.
    Homer : Oh I love your magazine. My favorite section is "How to increase your word power." That thing is really, really, really... good.


    Homer : It's like David and Goliath, only this time David won. [Lisa sighs]
    Lisa's Brain : I know, I heard it too. Here's some music. [Piano music plays quietly. Lisa smiles contentedly]


    Homer : Just because I don't know doesn't mean I don't understand.


    Kent Brockman : Springfield has come down with a fever: football fever. If you have the fever, there's only one cure. Take 2 tickets, and see the game Sunday morning. Public Service Announcer: Warning. Tickets should NOT be taken internally.
    Homer : See? Because of me, now they have a warning.

    [Writing a food review]
    Homer : The bread was... the bread was...
    Santa's Little Helper : Ruff.
    Homer : You've been pitching that one all night.
    Santa's Little Helper : Chewy?


    Homer : Oh, Lisa. You and your stories. Bart is a vampire. Beer kills brain cells. Now let's go back to that building thingy... where our beds and TV is.


    Homer : I've gone back in time to when dinosaurs weren't just confined to zoos.

    [Homer pooh-poohs churchgoing]
    Marge : Don't make me choose between my man and my God, because you just can't win.
    Homer : There you go again, always taking someone else's side. Flanders, the water department, God...


    Lisa : Aunt Selma, this may be presumptuous, but have you ever considered artificial insemination?
    Homer : Boy, I don't know. You'd have to be pretty desperate to make it with a robot. [Marge whispers something in his ear]
    Homer : I knew that.


    Homer : Dig him up. Dig up that corpse. If you really love Jebediah Springfield, you'll haul his bones out of the ground to prove my daughter wrong. Dig up his grave. Pull out his tongue.
    Mayor Quimby : Can't we have one meeting that doesn't end with us digging up a corpse?


    Apu : [Singing] Whether igloo, hut, or geodisic dome there's no structure that I've been to that I'd rather call my home. When I first arrived you were all such jerks but now I've come to love your quirks. Maggie with her eyes so bright, Marge with hair by Frank Lloyd Wright, Lisa can phyliosophize, Bart's adept at spinning lies, Homer's a delightful fellow, sorry about the samonella.
    Homer : [laughing] That's okay.
    Apu : Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart, now here's the tricky part, oh won't you rhyme with me? Who needs the Kwwik-E-Mart?
    Marge : Their floors are stik-e-mart.
    Lisa : They made dad sik-e-mart.
    Bart : Let's hurl a brik-e-mart.
    Homer : The Kwik-E-Mart is real... D'OH!
    Homer ,
    Bart ,
    Marge ,
    Lisa : Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart?
    Apu : Not me!
    Homer ,
    Bart ,
    Marge ,
    Lisa : Forget the Kwik-E-Mart. Good bye to Kwik-E-Mart. Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart?
    Apu : Not me.
    Homer : Everything wrapped up nicely. Earlier than usual.
    Marge : I guess happiness is wherever you find it.
    Homer : And we've all found happiness. Every one of us.
    Apu : [Sobbing]
    Homer : What's that sound?
    Apu : Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart? I do.
    Homer : Hey! He lied to us through song. I hate it when people do that.

    [Mr. Burns is reminiscing about his father's old Atom Smashing Plant]
    Mr Burns' Father : Come on, men! Smash those atoms! You there, turn out your pockets. [Two goons seize a waifish worker and turn out his pockets]
    Mr Burns' Father : Aha - atoms! One, two, three, four... SIX of them! Take him away!
    Waif : You can't treat the working man this way! One of these days we'll form a union, and get the fair and equitable treatment we deserve! Then we'll go too far, and become corrupt and shiftless, and the Japanese will eat us alive!
    Mr Burns' Father : The Japanese? Those sandal-wearing goldfish tenders? Ha ha! Bosh! Flimflaw!
    Mr. Burns : Oh, if only we'd listened to that young man, instead of walling him up in the abandoned coke oven.


    Homer : [drunk] Look, the thing about my family is there's five of us. Marge, Bart, Girl Bart, the one who doesn't talk, and the fat guy. How I loathe him.


    Marge : Now be good for Grampa while we're at the parent-teacher meeting. We'll bring back dinner.
    Lisa : What are we gonna have?
    Homer : Well, that depends on what your teachers say. If you've been good, pizza. If you've been bad... uh... let's see... poison.
    Lisa : What if one of us has been good and one of us has been bad?
    Bart : Poison pizza.
    Homer : Oh, no. I'm not making two stops.


    Mayor Quimby : Congratulations Ned, you are our new town crier. May your shrill, nasal voice ring throughout our streets and brains.
    Ned Flanders : Thankily-dank, Mayor, I shan't disappoint. Har ye, har ye. I declare myself pinkled tink about Springfield's Bicen-cidilly-ti-ten-toodly-rin-tin-tennial Day.
    Homer : You suck-diddily-uck, Flanders. Gimme that. [Grabs the bell from him]
    Homer : Hear ye. Hear ye. Ye olde town crier proclaimed crappy by all. Chooseth Homer Simpson, and he shalt rock thy world.
    Chief Wiggum : Good God, he is fabulous.
    Principal Skinner : He's embiggened that role with that cromulent performance.


    Homer : Please don't eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them.


    Pepi : Tell me more. I want to know ALL the constellations.
    Homer : Well, that one's Jerry, the cowboy. And that big dipper-looking thing is Alan, the cowboy.


    Marge : I'm worried about the kids, Homey. Lisa's becoming very obsessive. This morning I caught her trying to dissect her own raincoat.
    Homer : I know. And this perpetual-motion machine she made today is a joke. It just keeps going faster and faster.
    Marge : And Bart isn't doing very well either. He needs boundaries and structure. There's something about flying a kite at night that's so unwholesome. [Looks out window]
    Bart : [creepily] Hello, mother dear.
    Marge : That's it, we have to get them back to school.
    Homer : I'm with you, Marge. Lisa. Get in here. [Lisa walks in]
    Homer : In this house, we obey the laws of thermodynamics.


    Homer : Well, I hope you've learnt your lesson, Lisa: never help anyone.


    Homer : You mean you gave away both your dogs? You know how I feel about giving.


    Homer : There, there, Bart. If something's hard, then it's not worth doing.


    Homer : If it doesn't have Siamese twins in a jar, it's not a fair.


    Homer : These candidates make me want to vomit in terror.


    Homer : Why won't those idiots let me into their crappy club for jerks?


    Homer : Boy, everyone is stupid except me.


    Marge : My name is Marge Simpson and I have an idea. It may sound a little boring at first.
    Mayor Quimby : Chat away. I'll just amuse myself with some pornographic playing cards.

    [Lisa wins an essay contest]
    Homer : Woo-hoo! Who woulda guessed reading and writing would pay off.


    Homer : I don't care if Ned Flanders IS the nicest guy in the world. He's a jerk. End of story.


    Homer : [to Bart] I always knew you had personality. The doctor said it was hyperactivity, but I knew better.

    [Santa's Little Helper goes off running with George Bush, leaving Homer all alone]
    Homer : I guess you might say he's barking up the wrong Bush.
    Homer's Brain : There it is, Homer. The cleverest thing you'll ever say and nobody heard it.
    Homer : D'oh!


    Marge : We don't think you're slow. But on the other hand, it's not like you go to museums or read books or anything.
    Homer : Do you think I don't want to? It's those TV networks Marge. They won't let me. One quality show after another, each one more brilliant than the last. If they only stumbled once - just gave us thirty minutes to ourselves. But they won't, they won't let me live.


    Homer : Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.


    Homer : Did you hear that, Marge? She called me a baboon. The stupidest, smelliest ape of them all.

    [Homer is a limo driver]
    Homer : Oh wow, I can't believe my first passenger is comedy legend Mel Brooks. You know that movie, Young Frankenstein? Scared the hell out of me.
    Mel Brooks : Umm, thanks.


    Homer Simpson : Mel Brooks is Jewish?


    Homer : English? Who needs that? I'm never going to England.

    [Homer can't stop the monorail]
    Marge : I've brought somebody to help you.
    Homer : Is it Batman?
    Marge : It's a scientist.
    Homer : Batman's a scientist.
    Marge : It's NOT Batman.


    Homer : People will think what I tell them to think when you tell me what to tell them to think.


    Homer : I wanna shake off the dust of this one-horse town. I wanna explore the world. I wanna watch TV in a different time zone. I wanna visit strange, exotic malls. I'm sick of eating hoagies. I want a grinder, a sub, a foot-long hero. I want to LIVE, Marge. Won't you let me live? Won't you, please?


    Krusty the Clown : Ahh, there's nothing better than a cigarette... unless it's a cigarette lit with a hundred-dollar bill.


    Marge : Homer, when are you going to give up this crazy sugar scheme?
    Homer : Never, Marge. Never. I can't live the button-down life like you. I want it all: the terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles. Sure, I might offend a few of the bluenoses with my cocky stride and musky odors - oh, I'll never be the darling of the so-called "City Fathers" who cluck their tongues, stroke their beards, and talk about "What's to be done with this Homer Simpson?"

    [Moe is making a fortune from Homer's drink recipe]
    Marge : Well, Homer, maybe you can take some consolation in the fact that something you created is making so many people happy.
    Homer : Ooh, look at me. I'm making people happy. I'm the magical man from Happyland, in a gumdrop house on Lollipop Lane. [walks out, slams door, then sticks head back in]
    Homer : Oh, by the way: I was being sarcastic.
    Marge : Well, duh.


    Homer : Ah, Andy Capp, you wife-beating drunk.


    Homer : Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose, it's how drunk you get.

    [Krusty faces imprisonment after being revealed as a tax fraud]
    Krusty the Clown : I can't go to jail. I got a swanky lifestyle. I'm used to the best. IRS Agent: Krusty, this is America. We don't send our celebrities to jail. We're just going to garnish your salary.
    Krusty the Clown : You're going to *garnish* my *celery*? IRS Agent: Please, Krusty, no jokes.
    Krusty the Clown : Who's joking? Oh, I don't understand what you're saying, it all sounds so crazy to me.


    Homer : Marge? Since I'm not talking to Lisa, would you please ask her to pass me the syrup?
    Marge : Dear, please pass your father the syrup, Lisa.
    Lisa : Bart, tell Dad I will only pass the syrup if it won't be used on any meat product.
    Bart : You dunkin' your sausages in that syrup homeboy?
    Homer : Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like I do every morning.
    Marge : Tell him yourself, you're ignoring Lisa, not Bart.
    Homer : Bart, thank your mother for pointing that out.
    Marge : Homer, you're not not-talking to me and secondly I heard what you said.
    Homer : Lisa, tell your mother to get off my case.
    Bart : Uhhh, dad, Lisa's the one you're not talking to.
    Homer : Bart, go to your room.


    Lisa : Dad, I still don't understand how you could just give my room away?
    Homer : Honey, what's your favorite movie?
    Lisa : Well, until you taped over it, "The Little Mermaid".
    Homer : That's right. "The Odd Couple". Meet your new, mismatched roommate- Bart.
    Bart : I'm going to make your life a living hell.
    Lisa : Ohh... [Homer hums "Odd Couple" theme, shoves Lisa into the room and runs away]


    Mayor Quimby : Oh, dear God. Can't this town go one day without a riot?

    [Homer uncovers a scheme to supply low-grade milk to the school]
    Homer : They're milking rats. Rats.
    Mayor Quimby : [to Fat Tony] Rats? You promised me dog or higher.


    Homer : I think I saw him in Rent, or Stomp, or Clomp, or some piece of crap like that.


    Homer : If he's so smart, how come he's dead?


    Homer : We can outsmart those dolphins. Don't forget - we invented computers, leg warmers, bendy straws, peel-and-eat shrimp, the glory hole, AND the pudding cup.

    [after the angel hoax is exposed]
    Homer : What the hell are we going to do with 10,000 angel ashtrays?
    Bart : I could take up smoking.
    Homer : You damn well better.


    Homer's ghost : Marge you gotta help me, I have to do one good deed to get into heaven.
    Marge : Well I got a whole list of chores: clean the garage, paint the house...
    Homer's ghost : Whoa whoa whoa. I'm just trying to get in, I'm not running for Jesus.


    Homer : Ah, another beautiful day in the womb.


    Homer : Bad bees. Get away from my sugar. Ow. OW. Oh, they're defending themselves somehow.


    Homer : I want to set the record straight: I thought the cop was a prostitute.

    [Homer is calling home from a mental institution]
    Bart : Joe's Taxidermy. You snuff 'em, we stuff 'em.
    Homer : Boy, when I get home, I'm gonna wrap my hands around your neck and... [noticing the orderlies glaring at him, he relents]
    Homer : ...smother you with kisses.
    Bart : Homer, whatever they've got you on, cut the dose.


    Kodos : We must move forward, not backward, upward, not forward, and always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom.

    [Homer is undergoing major surgery. Grampa visits him in hospital]
    Grampa Simpson : They say the greatest tragedy is when a father outlives his son. I've never understood why that is; frankly, I can see an upside to it. Ha ha.


    Mother Simpson : [sings] How many roads must a man walk down / Before you can call him a man...
    Homer : Seven.
    Lisa : No, dad, it's a rhetorical question.
    Homer : OK, eight.
    Lisa : Dad, do you even know what "rhetorical" means?
    Homer : Do *I* know what "rhetorical" means?


    Homer : Look Marge, you don't know what it's like - I'm the one out there every day putting his ass on the line. And I'm not out of order. You're out of order. The whole freakin' system is out of order. You want the truth? You want the truth? You can't HANDLE the truth. 'Cause when you reach over and put your hand into a pile of goo that was your best friend's face, you'll know what to do. Forget it, Marge, it's Chinatown.

    [Homer is teaching a university course on marriage]
    Homer : I do have a story about two other young marrieds. Now, the wife of this couple had an interesting quirk in the bedroom. It seems she goes wild with desire if her husband nibbles on her elbow.
    Mrs. Krabappel : We need names.
    Homer : Well, er, let's just call them, uh, "Mr. X" and "Mrs. Y." So anyway, Mr. X would say, "Marge, if this doesn't get your motor running, my name isn't Homer J. Simpson."


    Homer : Bart, I'm not asking you to give blood for free. That would be crazy. You may not realize it now, but when you save a rich guy's life, he showers you with riches. Don't you know the story of Hercules and the Lion?
    Bart : Is it a Bible story?
    Homer : Yeah, probably. Anyway, once upon a time, there was a big, mean lion who got a thorn in his paw. All the villagers tried to pull it out, but nobody was strong enough, so they got Hercules and he used his mighty strength, and bingo. Anyway, the moral is, is that the lion was so happy, that he gave Hercules this big... thing... of riches.
    Bart : How did a lion get riches?
    Homer : It was the olden days.
    Bart : Oh.


    Ned Flanders : Homer, I think you hit something.
    Homer : I hope it was Flanders.


    Jay Sherman : And you must be the man who didn't know if he had a pimple or a boil.
    Homer : It was a Gummi Bear.

    [after getting school uniforms]
    Bart : These uniforms suck.
    Actor Marge : Bart, where did you pick up words like that?
    Homer : [on the phone] Yeah, Moe, that team sure sucked last night. They just plain sucked. I've seen teams suck before but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks who ever sucked.
    Actor Marge : Homer.
    Homer : Oh, I gotta go, my damn wiener kids are lookin' at me.

    [Moe is describing a plan to Homer]
    Moe : Okay Homer, this olive is you...
    Homer : Mmm... me...


    Homer : You don't like your job, you don't strike. You go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.


    Homer : Marge, can I go out and play?


    Homer : [muttering] Lousy big shot, thinks he's so big 'cause he's got a lot of guns, if he didn't have any guns I'd show him a thing or two... [at home, pacing the hallway in front of Lisa's bedroom]
    Homer : ... let's see him walk into my store and then we'll see who's worried about five-day waiting periods...
    Lisa : Dad, it's 3:00 AM. Cant you mutter in your room?
    Homer : Marge kicked me out.
    Lisa : All right, go ahead.
    Homer : Pushy kids think they can tell me what to do in my house, Why, I tell you these parents these days they don't know how to rear children...


    Homer : Well crying isn't going to help. Now, you can sit there feeling sorry for yourself or you can eat can after can of dog food until your tears smell enough like dog food until your dog comes back, or you can go out there and find your dog.
    Bart : You're right. [Gets up and leaves]
    Homer : Rats. I almost had him eating dog food.


    Homer : Family, gather round, I have an announcement to make. The Simpsons have cable.
    Bart ,
    Lisa : Cable?
    Bart : All right.
    Homer : That's right, sixty-eight channels, MTV for the kids, VH1 for us, sixteen hours of quality programming a day.
    Marge : I don't know, Homer, we've discussed cable before. Do you really think we can afford this?
    Homer : Nothing a month? Yeah, I think we can afford it.
    Marge : Mmmm, are you sure this is legal?
    Homer : Relax, Marge. Read this. [Homer hands Marge a pamphlet entitled, "So You've Decided To Steal Cable"]
    Marge : "Myth: it's wrong to view quality motion pictures for free. Fact: most movies that air on cable rate two stars or lower and are repeated ad nauseam." I don't know...


    Homer : [to Lisa] You stupid know-nothing know-it-all.

    [Homer just watched a Mr. Sparkle commercial to find out why the logo looks exactly like him]
    Homer : That didn't explain anything. All I know is they stole my face and used it for their stupid logo. There's no other explanation.
    Lisa : [indicating the TV] Wait, look. Japanese commercial pitchman: [on TV] This has been brought to you by Matsamura Fishworks and Tamarabuchi Energy Concern. [the fish logo and the light bulb logo merge to form the Mr. Sparkle logo]
    Lisa : It was all just a coincidence.
    Bart : [to Homer] Yep. There's your answer, Fishbulb.


    Homer : [Comforting] There, there. Shut up boy.


    Moe : Sounds like you're having a rough Christmas. You know what I blame this on the breakdown of? Society.
    Homer : [drunk] Yeah, you're right, Moe. You're always Moe.


    Lisa : Where's that music coming from?
    Marge : And all the liquor?
    Homer : It's a party, Marge. It doesn't have to make sense.


    Homer : Lurleen, wait.
    Lurleen Lumpkin : Yeah?
    Homer : I just wanted to say your song touched me deeply in a way I've never felt before... and which way to the can?


    Lurleen Lumpkin : You know, no man's ever been nice to me without wanting something in return.
    Homer : Well, I *was* going to ask you for a glass of water, but now I feel guilty about it.


    Homer : Marge, it takes two to lie - one to lie, and one to listen.
    Marge : What does *that* mean?

    [Homer sits down in the middle of the night to eat cheese]
    Homer : Mmmm. Sixty-four slices of American Cheese... [begins eating]
    Homer : ... sixty-four... sixty-three... [morning comes, Homer is still eating]
    Homer : Two... one... [Marge walks in]
    Marge : Have you been up all night eating cheese?
    Homer : I think I'm blind.


    Moe : Say, Barn. Uh, remember when I said I'd have to send away to NASA to calculate your bar tab?
    Barney : Oh ho, oh yeah. We all had a good laugh, Moe.
    Moe : The results came back today.


    Homer : Mmmm... forbidden donut.


    Marge : Can't you do something for him?
    Dr. Hibbert : Well, we can't fix his heart, but we can tell you exactly how damaged it is.
    Homer : What an age we live in.


    Barney : David Crosby? You're my hero.
    David Crosby : Oh, you like my music?
    Barney : You're a musician?

    Plastic Surgeon: Krusty, your plastic surgery is complete. Now, when I remove the bandages, don't be alarmed by the total stranger staring back at you. [hands him a mirror]
    Krusty the Clown : AAH! I look exactly the same, you moron. Plastic Surgeon: Oh, nonsense. You look at least ten years younger. Plus, I did your breasts.
    Krusty the Clown : Does anyone hear me complaining about the breasts?


    Homer : There's your giraffe, little girl.
    Ralph Wiggum : I'm a boy.
    Homer : That's the spirit. Never give up.

    [Marge is pregnant with Bart]
    Marge : Hey, come over here and feel our baby kicking.
    Homer : Wow! Kid, I won't let you down. I swear to you, when you come out of there, the first thing you're going to see is a man with a good job.
    Patty : Yeah... the doctor.

    [the Red Hot Chili Peppers are performing on Krusty's show]
    Krusty the Clown : Now boys, the network has a problem with some of your lyrics. Do you mind changing them for the show?
    Anthony Kiedis : Forget you, clown. Chad Smith: Yeah, our lyrics are like our children, man. No way.
    Krusty the Clown : Well okay, but here where it says, "What I got you gotta get and put it in ya," how about just, "What I'd like is I'd like to hug and kiss ya."
    Flea : Wow. That's much better. Arik Marshall: Everyone can enjoy that.


    Homer : Gee, Mr. Burns, you're the richest guy I know; way richer than Lenny.
    Mr. Burns : Yes, but I'd trade it all for a little more.


    Bart : Wow Dad, you took the baptismal for me. How do you feel?
    Homer : Oh Bartholomew, I feel like St. Augustine of Hippo after his conversion by Ambrose of Milan.
    Ned Flanders : Wait. Homer. What did you just say?
    Homer : I said shut your ugly face, Flanders.


    Homer : What are you kids doing? Bart & Lisa: Practicing tennis
    Homer : That's tennis? Then what's that sport where the chicks whale on each other?
    Bart : Foxy Boxing?
    Homer : [disappointedly] Yes. That's what I wanted. Oh. [cries]


    Lisa : Dad, don't you think you're overreacting?
    Homer : Don't you think you're *under*reacting?
    Lisa : This conversation is over.
    Homer : This conversation is *under*.
    Lisa : Goodbye.
    Homer : *bad*bye.


    Kent Brockman : We win again. But the real winners here are Marge's Hors D'Oeuvres.
    Homer : How do you come up with such witty remarks? [focuses in on ear plug/mic] Guy in the van: I guess you could say its my racket.
    Kent Brockman : I guess you could say I'm Iraqi.
    Homer : Get off my property.

    [Homer is camping out to buy football tickets]
    Homer : Heh-heh-heh, I did it. Second in line, and all I had to do was miss eight days of work.
    Man : With the money you would have made working, you could have bought tickets from a scalper.
    Homer : In theory, yes. [sotto voce]
    Homer : Jerk.


    Homer : Hello, my name is Mr. Burns. I believe you have a letter for me. Post Office Worker: Okay. What's your first name?
    Homer : ...I don't know.

    [about the hurricane]
    Homer : Alright everyone, it's the standard Grampa drill... everyone into the cellar.


    Homer : Lisa, I want you to remember me just as I am right now, filled with murderous rage


    Homer : Never fear. The cosmic fool is here.


    Dr. Hibbert : We've given the word "mob" a bad name.
    Marge : Church should help you with your everyday life.
    Homer : It should, but it doesn't. Now who wants to go down to the dump with me?

    Doug: In episode 2F09, when Itchy plays Scratchy's skeleton like a xylophone, he strikes the same rib in succession, yet he produces two clearly different tones. I mean, what are we to believe, that this is a magic xylophone, or something? Ha ha, boy, I really hope somebody got fired for that blunder.
    Homer : I'll field that one. Let me ask *you* a question. Why would a grown man who's shirt says "Genius at Work" spend all of his time watching a children's cartoon show? [embarrassed pause] Doug: I withdraw my question. [starts eating a candy bar]


    Marge : You can't ask God to kill someone.
    Homer : Yeah. Do your own dirty work.


    Marge : Homer, why aren't you at work? You're late.
    Homer : They said if I came in late again that I would get fired, and I can't risk that, so I'm not going.


    Homer : Biatch? Me?

    [after Poochie the dog debuts on the Itchy and Scratchy show to a lukewarm response]
    Homer : I liked it... right?
    Homer's Brain : You don't wanna know what I think... Now look sad and say "D'oh!..."
    Homer : D'oh!...


    Marge : Homer, I don't want you driving around in a car you built yourself.
    Homer : You can sit there complaining, or you can knit me some seat belts.


    Marge : Everybody's afraid of something.
    Homer : [smugly] Not everybody.
    Marge : Sock puppets.
    Homer : [shrieks in terror] Where? Where?


    Marge : Homer, a man who called himself "you-know-who" just invited you to a secret "wink-wink" at the "you-know-what". You are certainly are popular now that you've become a Stonecutter.
    Homer : Oh, yeah. Beer busts, beer blasts, keggers, stein hoists, AA meetings, beer night. It's wonderful, Marge. I've never felt so accepted in all my life. These people looked deep within my soul and assigned me a number based on the order in which I joined.


    Homer : Well, these bills will have to be paid out of your allowance.
    Bart : You'll have to raise my allowance to about a thousand dollars a week.
    Homer : Then that's what I'll do, smart guy.


    Homer : Kiss my hairy yellow butt.


    Mayor Quimby : Are these morons getting dumber or just louder? Mayor's Assistant: Dumber, sir.


    Homer : In America, first you get the sugar, then you get the power, then you get the women.


    Grampa Simpson : My Homer is not a Communist... he may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a Communist... but he is *not* a porn star.


    Homer : [Ranting loudly] YURGIDDAFURDARATAARA.
    Marge : Homer, what is it? Slow down.
    Homer : [Calmly and slowly] Yurgiddafurdarataara.
    Marge : Think before you say each word.


    Lisa : Do we have any food that wasn't brutally slaughtered?
    Homer : Well, I think the veal died of loneliness.


    Homer Simpson : Well, what do you think, Marge? All I need is a title. I was thinking along the lines of... No TV and no beer make Homer something, something.
    Marge Simpson : Go crazy?
    Homer Simpson : Don't mind if I do. [Goes crazy]


    Homer : When was the last time Barbara Streisand cleaned out your garage? And when it's time to do your laundry, where's Ray Bolger? I'll tell ya. Ray Bolger is looking out for Ray Bolger.


    Homer : How could you? Haven't you learned anything from that guy that gives those sermons in church? Captain What's-his-name. We live in a society of laws, why do you think I took you to see all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well I didn't hear anybody laughing. Did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. Vroom. Beep. Honk. Honk. Ha-ha. Where was I? Oh yeah, stay out of my booze.


    Homer : So I said, "Look buddy, your car was upside-down when I got here. And as for your grandmother, she shouldn't have mouthed off like that."


    Homer : ...And the whole steel mill was gay.
    Moe : Jeez, where ya been, Homer? The whole steel *industry's* gay.


    Homer : I was in a record store, and they were playing all these bands I'd never heard of. It was like the store had gone crazy.
    Marge : Record stores have always seemed crazy to me. Music is none of my business.
    Homer : That's all well and good for you, but I used to rock and roll all night and party every day. Then it was every other day... now I'm lucky to find half an hour a week in which to get funky. I've got to get out of this rut and back into the groove.


    Grampa Simpson : Dear Mr. President, there are too many states these days. Please eliminate three. Sincerely, Abe Simpson. PS: I am not a crackpot.


    Homer : Marge, I wanna be a monorail conductor.
    Marge : Homer, no.
    Homer : But it's my lifelong dream.
    Marge : Your lifelong dream was to run out onto the field at a baseball game, and you did it, last year. [Points to a framed newspaper reading "IDIOT RUINS GAME - Springfield forfeits pennant"]


    Homer : Marge, I wanna be a blackjack dealer.
    Marge : Homer, no.
    Homer : But it's my lifelong dream.
    Marge : Your lifelong dream was to appear on "The Gong Show", and you did it, in 1977. [Homer has a flashback to him and Barney playing an oversized harmonica]
    Homer : We got more gongs than the break-dancing robot that caught on fire.


    George Harrison : Hi, Homer, I'm George Harrison.
    Homer : Wow. Where did you get that brownie.


    Homer : How was everyone's day at school?
    Bart : Horrible.
    Lisa : Pointless.
    Marge : Exhausting. It took the class 40 minutes to locate Canada on a map.
    Homer : Oh, honey, anyone could miss Canada. All tucked way down there.


    Homer : Oh, everything looks bad if you remember it.


    Homer : I'm a bad father!
    Patty : You're also fat.


    Homer : I've got more trophies than Wayne Gretzky and the Pope combined.


    Homer : That guy impressed me and I am not easily impressed. Wow. A *blue car*.


    Principal Skinner : That's two independent thought alarms in one day. Willie, the children are over-stimulated. Remove all the colored chalk from the classrooms.
    Groundskeeper Willie : I warned ya about the colored chalk, didn't I warn ya? That chalk was forged by Lucifer himself.


    Homer : Oh Marge, stop blaming yourself all the time. Blame yourself once, and move on.


    Homer : It's everybody's fault but mine.


    Homer : I know. If sink to the bottom, I can run to shore.


    Homer : That's it. I'm getting out of this town alive if it kills me.


    Homer : Donuts - is there anything they can't do?


    Homer : I'm like that guy who single-handedly built the rocket and flew to the moon. What was his name? Apollo Creed?

    [Before performing his back treatment]
    Homer : One, two, better not sue.


    Homer : Lenny and Carl suck. Oh, don't tell them I said that Marge, because I don't want to lose their dear friendship.


    Barney : I think we'd be all better off if each country had it's own planet.


    Marge : Homer, is this how you pictured married life?
    Homer : Yeah, pretty much, except we drove around in a van solving mysteries.


    Homer : There's a $10,000 bill in it for you.
    Barney : Oh yeah? Which president is on it?
    Homer : Um, all of them. They are having a party. Jimmy Carter is passed out on the couch.

    [Kang and Kodos have taken the form of Bob Dole and Bill Clinton]
    Kodos : I am Clin-Ton. As overlord, all will kneel trembling before me and obey my brutal commands. End communication.
    Marge : That's Slick Willy for you, always with the smooth talk.


    Homer : Ahhh sweet pity... what would my love life be without it ?

    [In the Michael Crichton & Stephen King Bookstore]
    Hans Moleman : Do you have anything by Robert Ludlum? Storekepper: Get out.


    Homer : Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?


    Homer : Apu, if it makes you feel any better, I've learned that life is just one crushing defeat after another until you finally just wish Flanders was dead.


    Ned Flanders : How do you do it, Homer? How do you silence that little voice that says "Think."?
    Homer : You mean Lisa?


    Lisa : [sobbing] I'm ugly, dad.
    Homer : No you're not. You're cute as a bug's ear.
    Lisa : You have to say that; you're my dad.
    Homer : No I don't. [Grampa walks by]
    Homer : Dad, am I cute as a bug's ear?"
    Grampa Simpson : No, you're homely as a mule's butt.
    Homer : [to Lisa:] See?


    Homer : The problem in the world today is communication. Too much communication


    Grampa Simpson : Quick, we have to kill the boy.
    Marge : How did you know he's a vampire?
    Grampa Simpson : He's a vampire? Ahhhhh.


    Homer : When I held that gun in my hand, I felt a surge of power... like God must feel when he's holding a gun.


    Homer : I'd kill you if I had my gun.


    Homer : This gun has made me lose everything... my family, my friends, everything but my precious, precious gun.


    Marge : You lied to me Homer. You told me you got rid of the gun.
    Homer : But Marge, I swear, I never thought you'd find out.


    Homer : Lisa, if I didn't have this gun, the king of England could walk right in here and start pushing you around. [Homer starts pushing Lisa around]
    Homer : D'you want that? Huh? Do ya?
    Lisa : No...


    Homer : Ohhh, stupid movies. Who invented these dumb things, anyway? [menacingly]
    Homer : Was it you, Bart?


    Homer : Lisa, vampires are make-believe. Just like elves, and gremlins, and Eskimos.


    Homer : You can't outsmart carnival folk. They're the cleverest folk in the world. Just look at the way they sucker regular folk with their crooked games.


    Grampa Simpson : Son, you're as stupid as a mule and twice as ugly. So if a stranger offers you a ride, I'd say take it.


    Bart : Dad, is this art or is it vandalism?
    Homer : That's for the courts to decide.


    Homer : Stupid risks are what make life worth living.

    [Lisa is playing goalie for a minor hockey team]
    Lisa : Milhouse, knock him down if he's in your way. Jimbo, Jimbo, go for the face. Ralph Wiggum lost his shin guard. Hack the bone. Hack the bone.
    Homer : Wow. Eye of the tiger, mouth of a Teamster.


    Krusty the Clown : You, sir, are an idiot.


    Homer : Trying is the first step towards failure.


    Homer : Is this episode going on the air live ? June Velany: No Homer, very few cartoons are broadcast live. It's a terrible strain on the animator's wrist.


    Homer : Where's the "Any" key?


    Bart : You know, there are names for people like you.
    Lisa : No there aren't.
    Bart : Teacher's pet. Apple polisher. Butt kisser.
    Homer : Bart. You're saying butt kisser like it's a bad thing.

    [At the hockey match]
    Homer : Okay Marge, its your child against my child. The winner will be showered with praise. The loser will be taunted and booed until my throat is sore.


    Homer : Oh Lisa, there's no record of a hurricane ever hitting Springfield.
    Lisa : Yes, but the records only go back to 1978 when the hall of records was mysteriously blown away.


    Marge : This is the worst thing you've ever done.
    Homer : You say that so often that it lost its meaning.


    Grampa Simpson : I was on the PT-109 with John F. Kennedy. We were the first to discover his horrible secret. [flashback] John Kennedy: A um ah, Ich bin ein Berliner.
    Grampa Simpson : He's a Nazi, get him.


    Homer : Oh Bart, don't worry, people die all the time. In fact, you could wake up dead tomorrow.

    [Reading a sign]
    Homer : "Do not touch Willy" Hmm, good advice.


    Bart : I smell a museum.
    Homer : Yeah, good things don't end with 'eum,' they end with 'mania' or 'teria.'


    Troy McClure : Welcome to the Knowledgeum, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such automated information kiosks as "Welcome to Springfield Airport" and "Where's Nordstrom?" While you're enjoying our Hall of Wonders, your car unfortunately will be subject to repeated break-ins and... [Fades]
    Homer : What'd he say? What about my car?

    Duff book of records: Springfield is now the fattest city in the U.S.
    Homer : Woo Hoo. In your face Milwaukee.


    Marge : Homer, we can't take his money.
    Homer : Aww, I can't take his money, I can't print my own money, I have to work for my money. Why don't I just lay down and die.


    Homer : Mmmm... unexplained bacon.


    Homer : Is there anything you can prescribe, Doctor?
    Dr. Hibbert : Fire, and lots of it.
    Marge : Oh, that's your cure for everything.


    Homer : I'm back...
    Marge : Did you rent "Waiting to Exhale"?
    Homer : [sadly] No... they put me on the "Waiting to Exhale" waiting list, but told me not to hold my breath.


    Homer : But I can't leave the country. What about my wife and kids?
    Smithers : That can be shipped.


    Homer : Save me Jeebus.


    Homer : [drunk] See, the thing about my family is there are five of 'em: Marge, Bart, girl Bart, the one that doesn't talk, and the fat guy. Oh, how I loathe him.


    Homer : This is it. The last bar in Springfield. If they don't let me in, I'll have to quit drinking.
    Homer's Liver : YAY.
    Homer : Shut up, liver...


    Mel Gibson : I'm too old for this.
    Homer : How old are you, anyway?
    Mel Gibson : Well, I'm told I can play anyone from 28 to...
    Homer : Sorry I asked.


    Homer : Feeling stupid? I know I am.

    [Bachman Turner Overdrive is playing at a county fair]
    Bart : Who are those pleasant old men?
    Homer : It's BTO. They're Canada's answer to ELP. Their big hit was TCB. [Bart stares at Homer]
    Homer : That's how we talked in the '70s. We didn't have a moment to spare.

    Announcer: Now, let's take a look at a young Charles Bronson's brief stint replacing Andy Griffith in "The Andy Griffith Show"
    Barney : Where's Otis? He's not in his cell. Bronson: I shot him.
    Barney : Well that's... what? Bronson: And now, I'm going down to Emmett's Fix-It Shop. [cocks gun] Bronson: To fix Emmett. ["Andy Griffith Show" theme plays]


    Homer : Wow, it *is* the seventies, right down to the smallest detail.
    Marge : Hey, the bartender even looks like John Travolta. Bartender: Yeah, *looks* like...


    Marge : Homer, the Lord only asks for an hour a week.
    Homer : Well in that case, He should've made the week an hour longer. Lousy God.


    Leon Kompowsky : [In Michael Jackson's voice] Hi, I'm Michael Jackson from the Jacksons.
    Homer : I'm Homer Simpson, from the Simpsons.

    [Homer and Marge discuss the dangers of a monorail]
    Marge : What if something goes wrong?
    Homer : Pffft... what if... what I slipped on a bar of soap in the shower?... Oh my god. I'd be killed.


    Bart : Just so you