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 Michael Douglas Quotation"I'm not a big filmophile. I don't watch movies a lot for a hobby. I spend all my time watching sporting events. Because, opposed to movies, you can never tell how they're going to end." Movie Title: Wall Street (1987) as Gordon Gekko: Gordon Gekko : Lunch is for wimps. Gordon Gekko : When I get a hold of the son of a bitch who leaked this, I'm gonna tear his eyeballs out and I'm gonna suck his fucking skull. Gordon Gekko : The richest one percent of this country owns half our country's wealth, five trillion dollars. One third of that comes from hard work, two thirds comes from inheritance, interest on interest accumulating to widows and idiot sons and what I do, stock and real estate speculation. It's bullshit. You got ninety percent of the American public out there with little or no net worth. I create nothing. I own. Gordon Gekko : You're walking around blind without a cane, pal. A fool and his money are lucky enough to get together in the first place. Bud Fox : How much is enough? Gordon Gekko : It's not a question of enough, pal. It's a zero sum game, somebody wins, somebody loses. Money itself isn't lost or made, it's simply transferred from one perception to another. Gordon Gekko : Mixed emotions, buddy. Like Larry Wildman going off a cliff in my new Maserati. Gordon Gekko : What's worth doing is worth doing for money. Gordon Gekko : I'm gonna make you rich, Bud Fox. Gordon Gekko : I'm talking about liquid. Rich enough to have your own jet. Rich enough not to waste time. Fifty, a hundred million dollars, buddy. A player. Or nothing. Gordon Gekko : I don't throw darts at a board. I bet on sure things. Read Sun-tzu, The Art of War. Every battle is won before it is ever fought. Gordon Gekko : If you need a friend, get a dog. Gordon Gekko : The point is ladies and gentlemen that greed, for lack of a better word, is good. Greed is right. Greed works. Greed clarifies, cuts through and captures the essence of the evolutionary spirit. Greed, in all of it's forms - greed for life, for money, knowledge - has marked the upward surge of mankind and greed - you mark my words - will not only save Teldar Paper but that other malfunctioning corporation called the USA. Thank you. Gordon Gekko : The most valuable commodity I know of is information. Gordon Gekko : Greed captures the essence of the evolutionary spirit. Gordon Gekko : I look at a hundred deals a day. I pick one. Gordon Gekko : You see that building? I bought that building ten years ago. My first real estate deal. Sold it two years later, made an $800,000 profit. It was better than sex. At the time I thought that was all the money in the world. Now it's a day's pay. Bud Fox : Why do you need to wreck this company? Gordon Gekko : Because it's wreckable, all right? Gordon Gekko : Ever wonder why fund managers can't beat the S&P 500? 'Cause they're sheep, and sheep get slaughtered. Bud Fox : This is really a nice club, Mr. Gekko. Gordon Gekko : Yeah, not bad for a City College boy. I bought my way in, now all these Ivy league schmucks are sucking my kneecaps. Gordon Gekko : Hiya, Buddy Fox: Gordon. Gordon Gekko : Sand bagged me on Bluestar huh? Thought you could teach the teacher a lesson that the tail can wag the dog huh? Well let me clue you in, pal. The ice is melting right underneath your feet. Did you think you could've gotten this far this fast with anyone else, huh? That you'd be out there dicking someone like Darien? Naw... you'd still be cold calling widows and dentists tryin' to sell 'em 20 shares of some dog shit stock. I took you in... a NOBODY. I opened the doors for you... showed you how the system works... the value of information... how to get it. Fulham oil, Brant resources, geodynamics and this is how you fucking pay me back you cockroach. I gave you Darien. I gave you your manhood I gave you everything. You could've been one of the great ones buddy. I look at you and see myself... WHY? Bud Fox : I don't know. I guest I realized that I'm just Bud Fox... and as much as I wanted to be Gordon Gekko, I'll always be Bud Fox. Gordon Gekko : Well you take it, right in the ass you scumbag cocksucker. Gordon Gekko : This is the kid, calls me 59 days in a row, wants to be a player. There ought to be a picture of you in the dictionary under persistence kid. Gordon Gekko : It's not always the most popular person who gets the job done. Gordon Gekko : You stop sending me information, and you start getting me some. Gordon Gekko : It's all about bucks, kid. The rest is conversation. Movie Title: The Ghost and the Darkness (1996) as Charles Remington: John Patterson : You don't enjoy killing, do you? [Remington ignores the question by taking a swig from his flask] Hawthorne : Then why do it? Charles Remington : Because I've got a gift. Charles Remington : Well, I'm a very considerate man. My mother taught me that. [Samuel laughs.] Charles Remington : Now, what the hell you laughing about? You don't think I'm considerate? Samuel : I don't believe you had a mother. Hawthorne : I wouldn't have thought bravery would be a problem for you. Charles Remington : Well, you hope each time it won't be... But you never really know. Charles Remington : Well, I'm a very considerate man. My mother taught me that. [Samuel laughs.] Charles Remington : Now, what the hell you laughing about? You don't think I'm considerate? Samuel : I don't believe you had a mother. Charles Remington : Oh, you're right. The devil has come to Tsavo. Look at me! I am the devil. [After they discover the Lion's Den filled with skeletons, and are terrified] Charles Remington : Lions don't do this. Lions... never had a lair like this. They're doing it for the pleasure. John Patterson : They'll know we've been here. Charles Remington : We have an expression in prize fighting: "Everyone has a plan until they've been hit." Well my friend, you've just been hit. The getting up is up to you. John Patterson : Have you ever failed? Charles Remington : Only at life. Movie Title: The War of the Roses (1989) as Oliver Rose: Oliver Rose : You weren't even multiorgasmic before you met me, were you? Barbara Rose : You really expect me to keep on reassuring you sexually even now when we disgust each other? Oliver Rose : You have sunk lower than frog shit on the bottom of a New Jersey scum swamp! [Finding out that they are going to get a divorce] Oliver Rose : And you better get yourself a damn good lawyer! Barbara Rose : Best your money can buy! [Oliver Rose pees on the fish Barbara Rose had prepared for the guests] Barbara Rose : I would never humiliate you like this! Oliver Rose : You're not equipped to, honey. Movie Title: Black Rain (1989) as Nick Conklin: Nick Conklin : Just hope they got a Nip in this building who speaks fucking English. Matsumoto Masahiro : [overhearing] Assistant Inspector Matsumoto Masahiro, Criminal Investigation section, Osaka Prefecture police. And I do speak fucking English. Matsumoto Masahiro : "Perhaps you should think less of yourself and more of your group, try to work like in Japanese. I grew up with your soldiers; you were wise then. Now - music and movies are all America is good for. We make the machines, we build the future, we won the peace. Nick Conklin : "And if there was ONE of you guys who had an original idea, you'd be so tight that you couldn't even pull it out of your ass!" Nick Conklin : Sometimes, you just got to go for it. Nick Conklin : If you pull it, you better use it. Nick Conklin : A couple of guys I used to work with in the department took some money from some drug dealers. No big deal. Matsumoto Masahiro : They stole? Nick Conklin : They liberated funds. Matsumoto Masahiro : Theft is theft. There is no gray area. Nick Conklin : Hey Matsu, New York is one big gray area. Nick Conklin : I usually get kissed before I get fucked. Nick Conklin : One good hand job deserves another. Nick Conklin : Now, you got a counterfeiting ring goin' on & you should talk to your partner before you go to the suits. So fuck you very much! Joyce : See, there's a war goin' on between Sato and this old-time boss named Sugai. Nick Conklin : How many people know about this? Joyce : Including you and me? Eleven million. Movie Title: Disclosure (1994) as Tom Sanders: Tom Sanders : You wanna get fucked? Huh? Is that what you want? Tom Sanders : Sexual harrassment is about power. When did I have the power? When? Movie Title: Wonder Boys (2000) as Grady Tripp: Grady Tripp : She's a transvestite. Terry Crabtree : You're stoned. Grady Tripp : She's still a transvestite. Antonia "Tony" Sloviak : That's a nice greenhouse. Grady Tripp : It's Mrs. Gaskell's. Her hobby. Terry Crabtree : I thought you were Mrs. Gaskell's hobby, Tripp. Grady Tripp : Piss off, Crabs. I lost a wife today. Terry Crabtree : Oh, I'm sure you'll find another. You always do. James Leer : It's just... for good luck. Some people carry rabbits' feet... Grady Tripp : ...You carry firearms. James Leer : You're not like my other teachers, Professor Tripp. Grady Tripp : You're not like my other students, James. James Leer : Professor Tripp? Can I ask you a question? Grady Tripp : Yeah, James. James Leer : What are we going to do with... it? Grady Tripp : I don't know. I'm still trying to figure out how to tell the Chancellor I murdered her husband's dog. James Leer : You? Grady Tripp : Trust me, James, when the family pet's been assassinated, the owner doesn't want to hear one of her students was the trigger man. James Leer : Does she want to hear it was one of her professors? Grady Tripp : ...I've got tenure. James Leer : Now, that is a big trunk. It holds a tuba, a suitcase, a dead dog, and a garment bag almost perfectly. Grady Tripp : That's just what they used to say in the ads. [Crabtree and a student drag James, hopped up on codeine, out of the auditorium] James Leer : The doors made so much noise! Grady Tripp : Is he all right? James Leer : It was so embarrassing! He had to be carried out. Terry Crabtree : He's fine. He's narrating. James Leer : They were going to the restroom. But would they make it in time? Vernon Hardapple : You drivin' this car? Grady Tripp : Excuse me? Vernon Hardapple : This 1966 maroon Ford Galaxie 500. You drivin' this car? Grady Tripp : It's mine. Vernon Hardapple : Bullshit! It's mine, motherfucka! Grady Tripp : You must be mistaken. Vernon Hardapple : Bullshit! Grady Tripp : Well, he did say a few things that made me believe it WAS his car. Terry Crabtree : Like what? Grady Tripp : "That's my car, motherfucker." Grady Tripp : I'm a teacher, not a Holiday Inn. Grady Tripp : Where's the cake? Terry Crabtree : Right behind you. Grady Tripp : That's not what I meant. [Sara smells Antonia's perfume on Grady's clothes] Sara Gaskell : Is that Cristaile? Grady Tripp : Mm. Sara Gaskell : My God, I wear the same scent as a transvestite. Grady Tripp : Shit, James. You shot Dr. Gaskell's dog. James Leer : I had to! Didn't I? Grady Tripp : Couldn't you have just pulled him off me? [Grady offers James some codiene pills] James Leer : No thanks. I'm fine without them. Grady Tripp : Right. That's why you were standing in the Chancellor's back yard twirling that little cap gun of yours tonight. You're fine, all right, you're fit as a fucking fiddle. Grady Tripp : What do we have here? This looks like... that's our old friend Mr. Codeine. That should take the old pinch out of the ankle. Want one? James Leer : No, thanks. I'm fine without them. Grady Tripp : Right. That's why you were standing in the chancellor's backyard spinning that "cap gun" of yours. You're fine. Yeah, you're just as fit as a fuckin' fiddle. Grady Tripp : James like it or not those people out there are your parents. James Leer : They're not my parents. Grady Tripp : What? James Leer : They're my grandparents... my parents are dead. Grady Tripp : James the man is obviously your father... you look just like him. James Leer : There's a reason for that. Vernon Hardapple : Why did you keep writing this book if you didn't even know what it was about? Grady Tripp : I couldn't stop. Grady Tripp : I hope you don't find this forward Amanda, but I wonder if I might ask: Did you ever go to Catholic school? Amanda Leer : Excuse me? Grady Tripp : Okay, James, I wish you hadn't shot my girlfriend's dog. Even though Poe and I weren't exactly what you'd call simpatico, that's no reason he should've taken two in the chest. James Leer : You're mad at me, aren't you? You're mad because I shot your girlfriend's dog. Grady Tripp : It wasn't her dog, it was her husband's... [looking at James] Grady Tripp : Who said anything about a girlfriend? James Leer : [smiling back] Grady Tripp : Okay, James, I wish you hadn't shot my girlfriends dog. Even though Poe and I were not exactly what you'd call simpatico that's no reason he should've taken two in the chest Walter Gaskell : Are you drinking, Professor Tripp, right now? Grady Tripp : [smoking weed] No. Oola : I know you. Double Dickel on the rocks. I never forget a drink. Grady Tripp : And I never forget an Oola. Grady Tripp : [Narrating] She was a junkie for the printed word. Lucky for me, I manufactured her drug of choice. [eating a box of white-powder donuts] James Leer : These are incredible. Incredible! Grady Tripp : Finish the rest of that joint, James, you can start chewing on the box. Grady Tripp : [Narrating] So there it was. Somewhere in the night, a Manhattan book editor was prowling the streets of Pittsburgh; best-selling author at his side, dead dog in his trunk. Terry Crabtree : [Looking at James Leer's book] The Love Parade... I've got a feeling about this, Tripp. I feel this kid in my bones. Grady Tripp : ONLY in your bones? Hannah Green : Grady, you know how in class you're always telling us that writers make choices? Grady Tripp : Yeah. Hannah Green : And even though you're book is really beautiful, I mean, amazingly beautiful, it's... it's at times... it's... very detailed. You know, with the genealogies of everyone's horses, and the dental records, and so on. And... I could be wrong, but it sort of reads in places like you didn't make any choices. At all. And I was just wondering if it might not be different if... if when you wrote you weren't always... under the influence. Grady Tripp : Well... thank you for the thought, but shocking as it may sound, I am not the first writer to sip a little weed. Furthermore, it might surprise you to know that one book I wrote, as you say, "under the influence," just happened to win a little something called the Pen Award. Which, by the way, I accepted under the influence. Terry Crabtree : [after he lost Grady's manuscript] Naturally you have copies. Grady Tripp : I have an alternate version of the first chapter. Movie Title: The 75th Annual Academy Awards (2003) as Himself - Co-presenter: Best Picture: Himself - Co-presenter: Best Picture : Dad. You are supposed to say "And the Oscar goes to..." [Kirk get angry, turns to his son Michael and says his line while looking at him] Himself - Co-presenter: Best Picture : "And the winner is..." Movie Title: The In-Laws (2003) as Steve Tobias: Steve Tobias : We're the CIA. Angela Harris : Great, now I have to kill him. Steve Tobias : This wedding is going to be as normal as butter on mashed potatoes. Jerry Peyser : That was fun. Steve Tobias : Yeah blackmail! Ha ha. Steve Tobias : I don't know one person here. Jerry Peyser : That's because it's not an arms market. Jerry Peyser : I'm sorry I called you the worst father in the world. I'm sure there's at least two or three guys who are worse. Steve Tobias : Thank you, Jer. Jerry Peyser : Six people on a beach! I could have saved a fortune. Steve Tobias : Jer, they're gonna be fine. In fact, the whole family's gonna be just fine. Jerry Peyser : You know something? He might actually like prison. Steve Tobias : Like it? He's gonna love it. Movie Title: The Jewel of the Nile (1985) as Jack Colton: [While surrounded by native Africans] Jack Colton : Just keep smiling. Maybe they'll think we're with National Geographic. Jack Colton : It's looking more like 90-10, eh Kumquat? Joan Wilder : You don't happen to have a knife on you? Jack Colton : I'm not even wearing underwear. Movie Title: A Chorus Line (1985) as Zach: Zach : Tell me about the Bronx. Diana : What's there to tell about it? It's uptown and to the left. Zach : What do you do in the Bronx? Diana : Hope to get out. Connie : Connie Wong. Always Wong and never Wight. [Zach looks up] Connie : Sorry, bad joke. Born in Chinatown. Zach : How old are you? Connie : I was born in the year, four thousand five hundred and sixty two, the Year of the Chicken. Sheila : Can I sit in your lap? Zach : Do you always come on like this? Sheila : No. Sometimes I'm aggressive. Sheila : You were a terrible dancer. Zach : Why do you think I became a choreographer? Zach : Goddammit, now can't ANYBODY up there hear me! Just let your hair down! Can't you talk? All of you, just talk, to me, to each other!... Jesus Christ! Movie Title: Fatal Attraction (1987) as Dan Gallagher: Dan Gallagher : She keeps calling the apartment. When Beth answers the phone, she hangs up. I'm scared Jimmy, and I don't want to lose my family. Movie Title: Don't Say a Word (2001) as Nathan Conrad: [Elisabeth puts her and up her shirt as Nathan watches her] Elisabeth : Wanna touch? Nathan Conrad : No. Jessie Conrad : [Telephone rings] Hello? Nathan Conrad : [Wants to play a trick on Jessie] Hello? Jessie Conrad : Hi Daddy. Nathan Conrad : Exsuse me, who am I talking to? Jessie Conrad : This is me. Nathan Conrad : No, no my Jessie is 8 years old. The girl who I'm talking to is at least 11. Jessie Conrad : [Laughs] Nathan Conrad : [Laughs] Can you speak to your mother please! Jessie Conrad : You had a bad day! Nathan Conrad : Why do you say that? Jessie Conrad : [copies Nathan] Frown faceeeeee! Nathan Conrad : [copies Jessie] Well my little frown face, is because it's after ten o'clock and your still awake. Jessie Conrad : Where were you tonight? Nathan Conrad : I was working! Jessie Conrad : Why? Nathan Conrad : Well, because I was helping a young girl. Jessie Conrad : Oh well alright that's going to cost ya! Nathan Conrad : Alright what's it going to be? Jessie Conrad : One hug, two kisses! Nathan Conrad : Two kisses? Boy, you got us a tough deal! Jessie Conrad : Will they put Bart Simpson in the parade tomorrow? Nathan Conrad : They will but Bart Simpson in the parade tomorrow if you go to sleep right now. Jessie Conrad : Well alright, I don't think they will care if I go to sleep or not! Nathan Conrad : This looks like the Conrad house, it smells like the Conrad house. It even is severely overheated by the Conrad house Nathan Conrad : Rule number three: no more phone. Movie Title: The American President (1995) as President Andrew Shepherd: President Andrew Shepherd : I want to buy her some flowers. That's what men do when they break a date. Robin McCall : That's not what men do. I know no men who do that. [Ushering Sydney out of the White House after spending her first night there] President Andrew Shepherd : I'm sorry about this. We'll do it better next time. Sydney Ellen Wade : Well, I'm no expert but I think we did it pretty good this time. Lewis Rothschild : Who're we calling, sir? President Andrew Shepherd : I'm calling the organization of the United Brotherhood of It's None of Your Damn Business, Lewis. I'll be with you in a second. President Andrew Shepherd : You want free speech? Let's see you acknowledge a man whose words make your blood boil who is standing center stage advocating at the top of his lungs that which you would spend a lifetime opposing at the top of yours. President Andrew Shepherd : You're attracted to me, but the idea of physical intimacy is uncomfortable because you only know me as the President. But it's not always going to be that way, and the reason I know that is there was a moment last night when you were with ME, not the President. And I know what a big step that was for you. So, Sydney, I'm in no rush. Here's my plan. We're going to slow down, and when you're comfortable, that's when it's going to happen. [Sydney emerges from the bathroom wearing nothing but one of his shirts] President Andrew Shepherd : Perhaps I didn't properly explain the fundamentals of the slowdown plan. Sydney Ellen Wade : [feeling the bed] No, you explained it great. President Andrew Shepherd : Are you nervous? Sydney Ellen Wade : No. President Andrew Shepherd : Good. My nervousness exists on... several levels. Number one, and this is in no particular order, I haven't done this in a pretty long time. Number two, uh, any expectations that you might have, given the fact that I'm... you know... Sydney Ellen Wade : [approaching seductively] The most powerful man in the world? President Andrew Shepherd : Exactly, thank you. I think it's important you remember that's a political distinction; it comes with the office. I mean, if, uh, Eisenhower were here instead of me, he'd be dead by now. [Right before their first kiss] Sydney Ellen Wade : Do you think this is a good idea? President Andrew Shepherd : Probably not. [Discussing a reprisal for an attack on US troops] A. J. MacInerney : Sir, it's immediate, it's decisive, it's low-risk, and it's a proportional response. President Andrew Shepherd : Someday someone's going to have to explain to me the virtue of a proportional response. President Andrew Shepherd : What I did tonight was not about political gain. Leon Kodak : Yes sir. But it can be, sir. What you did tonight was very presidential. President Andrew Shepherd : Leon, somewhere in Libya right now, a janitor's working the night shift at Libyan Intelligence headquarters. He's going about doing his job... because he has no idea, in about an hour he's going to die in a massive explosion. He's just going about his job, because he has no idea that about an hour ago I gave an order to have him killed. You've just seen me do the least presidential thing I do. Lewis Rothschild : You have a deeper love of this country than any man I've ever known. And I want to know what it says to you that in the past seven weeks, 59% of Americans have begun to question your patriotism. President Andrew Shepherd : Look, if the people want to listen to-... Lewis Rothschild : They don't have a choice! Bob Rumson is the only one doing the talking! People want leadership, Mr. President, and in the absence of genuine leadership, they'll listen to anyone who steps up to the microphone. They want leadership. They're so thirsty for it they'll crawl through the desert toward a mirage, and when they discover there's no water, they'll drink the sand. President Andrew Shepherd : Lewis, we've had presidents who were beloved, who couldn't find a coherent sentence with two hands and a flashlight. People don't drink the sand because they're thirsty. They drink the sand because they don't know the difference. [President Shepherd watches his opponent's campaign ad] President Andrew Shepherd : Wait, wait, here comes my favorite part. Bob Rumson : My name is Bob Rumson, and I'm running for President! President Andrew Shepherd : Sure glad he cleared that up, 'cause those people were about to buy some Amway products! President Andrew Shepherd : America isn't easy. America is advanced citizenship. You've got to want it bad, because it's going to put up a fight. President Andrew Shepherd : The symbol of your country cannot just be a flag. The symbol also has to be one of its citizens exercising his right to burn that flag in protest. Now show me that, defend that, celebrate that in your classrooms. Then you can stand up and sing about the land of the free. President Andrew Shepherd : Is the view pretty good from the cheap seats? A.J. : What? President Andrew Shepherd : Because it occurs to me that it twenty five years, why have I never seen YOUR name on a ballot? Why A.J.? Whare are you always one step behind ME? A.J. : Because if I wasn't, you'd be the most popular history teacher at the University of Wisconsin! President Andrew Shepherd : Fuck you! [Sydney is unaware the President is listening] Sydney Ellen Wade : Your boss is the chief executive of fantasy land! President Andrew Shepherd : Well, let's take him out back and beat the shit out of him! President Andrew Shepherd : We had a nice couple of minutes together. She threatened me, I patronized her. Didn't have anything to eat, but I thought there was a connection. President Andrew Shepherd : This is NOT the business of the American people! A.J. : With all due respect, sir, the American people have a funny way of deciding on their own what is and what is not their business. Robin McCall : I think the important thing is not to make it look like we're panicking. President Andrew Shepherd : See, and I think the important thing is actually not to BE panicking. A.J. : Excuse me, Mr. President, I just got off the phone with the federal mediator in St. Louis. Management just walked away from the table; the baggage handlers, pilots and flight attendants are all getting set to walk out in forty-eight hours. President Andrew Shepherd : You know, I studied under a Nobel Prize-winning economist, and you know what he taught me? A.J. : Never have an airline strike at Christmas? President Andrew Shepherd : The White House is the single greatest home court advantage in the modern world. President Andrew Shepherd : She didn't say anything about me? A.J. : No, but I could always pass her a note before study hall. President Andrew Shepherd : I've loved two women in my life. I lost one to cancer and I lost the other because I was too busy keeping my job to do my job. Well, that ends right now. President Andrew Shepherd : She's questioning your loyalty. Lewis Rothschild : Hell, I question it all the time. Lucy Shepherd : Do you see it as part of your job to torture me? President Andrew Shepherd : No, just one of the perks. President Andrew Shepherd : Lewis, however much coffee you drink in the morning, I want you to reduce it by half. Lewis Rothschild : I don't drink coffee, sir. President Andrew Shepherd : Then hit yourself over the head with a baseball bat, would you please? A.J. : Good night, Mr. President. President Andrew Shepherd : A.J.? A.J. : Yes, sir? President Andrew Shepherd : When we're out of the office, and alone, you can call me Andy. A.J. : I beg your pardon, sir? President Andrew Shepherd : You were the best man at my wedding, for crying out loud. Call me Andy. A.J. : Whatever you say, Mr. President. [Playing pool] A.J. : Nice shot, Mr. President. President Andrew Shepherd : Nice shot, Mr. President? You won't even call me by my name when we're playing pool? A.J. : I will not do it playing pool, I will not do it in a school. I do not like green eggs and ham, I do not like them, Sam I Am. A.J. : Mr. President, this is an election year. If you're looking for female companionship, we can make certain arrangements that will ensure total privacy. President Andrew Shepherd : I don't want you to get me a girl, A.J.! What is this, Vegas? A.J. : No sir, this is the White House. Sydney Ellen Wade : Hello? President Andrew Shepherd : Yeah, hi, is this Sydney? Sydney Ellen Wade : Leo? President Andrew Shepherd : No, this is Andrew Shepherd. Sydney Ellen Wade : Oh! It's Andrew Shepherd! Yeah, you're hilarious, Richard, you're just a regular riot! President Andrew Shepherd : No, this isn't Richard, this is Andrew Shepherd. Sydney Ellen Wade : Oh! Well, I'm so glad you called, because I forgot to tell you today what a nice ass you have. I'm also impressed that you were able to get my phone number given the fact that I don't have a phone. Good night, Richard. President Andrew Shepherd : Uh, this isn't Richard- [Sydney hangs up] President Andrew Shepherd : This used to be easier. President Andrew Shepherd : That's a little tight, Luce. Lucy Shepherd : It's supposed to be tight. It's supposed to make you look regal. President Andrew Shepherd : Is it supposed to cut off the blood flow to my face? [On the phone with the florist] President Andrew Shepherd : Perhaps it would be better if you bill me for the flowers, I'm sure it'll be all right with your boss... Well, I don't know if you recognize my voice, but this is the president... Of the United States!... Hello? President Andrew Shepherd : You have concerns? Sydney Ellen Wade : Yes. Not many. A few. One. I have one concern. President Andrew Shepherd : This wouldn't have to do with the fact that one of us is president? President Andrew Shepherd : Do you think there will ever be a time when you can stand in a room with me and not think of me as the president? Sydney Ellen Wade : This isn't a state of mind. You are the president. And when I'm in a room with you, oval or any other shape, I'm always gonna be a lobbyist, and you're always gonna be the president. President Andrew Shepherd : I have news for you, Sydney. As a lobbyist, you'd never be alone in a room with the president. [Watching Bob Rumson on television] Bob Rumson : Last night, the cost of those liberal programs was raised to include the blood of 22 American soldiers. Now, Mr. Shepherd's read a lot of books, but it doesn't take a Harvard degree to see this one coming a mile down the road. President Andrew Shepherd : I went to Stanford, you blowhole! President Andrew Shepherd : How much do you make? Sydney Ellen Wade : More than you do, Mr. President. President Andrew Shepherd : The name is Andy. How much money do you make? Sydney Ellen Wade : What the hell does it matter how much money I make? President Andrew Shepherd : You raise your voice to the president? Sydney Ellen Wade : Bob Rumson's gotta be drooling over this! President Andrew Shepherd : Are you attracted to me? Sydney Ellen Wade : I beg your pardon? President Andrew Shepherd : I asked if you were attracted to me. Sydney Ellen Wade : That's not the issue. President Andrew Shepherd : Well, I tell you what, let's make it the issue. Let's try something new, because I know that most couples when they first get together are inclined to slam on the brakes because they're concerned about Bob Rumson's drool. President Andrew Shepherd : Let me see if I got this. The third story on the news tonight was that someone I didn't know thirteen years ago when I wasn't president participated in a demonstration where no laws were being broken in protest of something that so many people were against, it doesn't exist anymore. Just out of curiosity, what was the fourth story? [Picking up the Oval Office phone] President Andrew Shepherd : Yeah, hi, good morning... how do I get an outside line? President Andrew Shepherd : You ever been to Camp David? Sydney Ellen Wade : Camp David? Sure, I used to go there all the time, but then they changed chefs. President Andrew Shepherd : Seven trillion dollar communications system at my disposal, I can't find out if the Packers won. President Andrew Shepherd : If Mary hadn't died, would we have won three years ago? A.J. : Would we have won? President Andrew Shepherd : If we had to go through a character debate three years ago, would we have won? A.J. : I don't know. But I would have liked that campaign. If my friend Andy Shepherd had shown up, I would have liked that campaign very much. [Last lines] Sydney Ellen Wade : How'd you finally do it? President Andrew Shepherd : Do what? Sydney Ellen Wade : Manage to give a woman flowers and be president at the same time? President Andrew Shepherd : Well, it turns out I've got a rose garden. President Andrew Shepherd : Well, it turns out I have a rose garden. President Andrew Shepherd : She didn't say anything about me? A. J. MacInerney : Well, she did say you were taller than she thought you'd be. President Andrew Shepherd : Well, that's something. President Andrew Shepherd : For reasons passing understanding, people do not relate guns to gun-related crime. Sydney Ellen Wade : If someone had asked me yesterday, I'd have told them that the Quebec Conference is made up of six professional hockey teams. President Andrew Shepherd : My name is Andrew Shepherd and I AM the President. Janie : The 10:15 event has been moved inside to the Indian Treaty Room. President Andrew Shepherd : 10:15 is American Fisheries? Janie : Yes sir. They're giving you a 200-pound halibut. President Andrew Shepherd : Janie, make a note. We need to schedule more events where somebody gives me a really big fish. Janie : Yes sir. [starts making note] President Andrew Shepherd : Janie, I'm kidding. Janie : [Stops and starts to smile] Of course, sir. President Andrew Shepherd : It's sass, right? You're sassin' me. Lucy : Just be yourself. President Andrew Shepherd : Be myself. Lucy : Yeah, and compliment her shoes. Girls like that. Sydney Ellen Wade : [as they head to the state dinner] Do you do this often? President Andrew Shepherd : Well, we had a state dinner for the prime minister of Japan, who died shortly thereafter, so we stopped having them just in case. Sydney Ellen Wade : No. I mean, do you date often? President Andrew Shepherd : Oh. No. You? Sydney Ellen Wade : Yeah, well it's more like a lot of first dates, really. President Andrew Shepherd : Oh, so you've got experience with this kind of thing. Sydney Ellen Wade : Oh yeah, you can ask me anything. President Andrew Shepherd : So, how are we doing? Sydney Ellen Wade : Ohhh you know pretty much everyday first date kind of stuff... President Andrew Shepherd : Darn, and I wanted to be different than the other guys. [leaves her with her escort] President Andrew Shepherd : Oh, by the way, nice shoes. President Andrew Shepherd : Too tall McCall! Robin McCall : Mr. President. President Andrew Shepherd : How was Mexico? Robin McCall : It was great until I heard that America is no longer a great society? Lewis Rothschild : He cut the entire kick-ass section. Movie Title: Romancing the Stone (1984) as Jack Colton: Jack Colton : Goddamn it, I knew I should've listened to my mother. I could've been a cosmetic surgeon, five hundred thou a year, up to my neck in tits and ass. Jack Colton : Wait a minute, he's after you. Who the hell are you? Joan Wilder : Well, I'm a romance novelist. Jack Colton : You're what? What are you doing here? Joan Wilder : I told you, my sister's life depends on me. Jack Colton : Ah, don't give me that shit. I thought you were donating a kidney or something. Joan Wilder : What is all this? Jack Colton : All this? About five to life in the States, a couple of centuries down here. Joan Wilder : Oh, marijuana. Jack Colton : Oh, you smoke it? Joan Wilder : [defensively] I went to college. Jack Colton : What did you do, wake up this morning and say, "Today, I'm going to ruin a man's life"? Jack Colton : One hell of a morning has turned into a bitch of a day! Joan Wilder : These were Italian. Jack Colton : Now they're practical. Jack Colton : Dammit man, the Doobie Brothers broke up! Shit! When did that happen? Jack Colton : What's the matter, are you paralyzed from the neck up, or are you hurt? [Jack shows off his new, crocodile skin, boots, made from the crocodile he has killed] Joan Wilder : I like the boots. Jack Colton : Yeah, that poor old yellow-tailed guy... developed a fatal case of indigestion. He died right in my arms. Joan Wilder : I can't blame him. If I were to die there's nowhere on earth I'd rather be. Movie Title: Traffic (2000) as Robert Wakefield: Robert Wakefield : If there is a war on drugs, then many of our family members are the enemy. And I don't know how you wage war on your own family. Robert Wakefield : I can't believe you brought my daughter to this place. Seth Abrahams : Woah. Why don't you just back the fuck up, man. "To this place"? What is that shit? Ok, right now, all over this great nation of ours, 'hundred thousand white people from the suburbs are cruisin' around downtown asking every black person they see "You got any drugs? You know where I can score some drugs?" *Think* about the effect that that has on the psyche of a black person, on their possibilities. I... God I guarantee you bring a hundred thousand black people into your neighborhood, into fuckin' Indian Hills, and they're asking every white person they see "You got any drugs? You know where I can score some drugs?", within a *day* everyone would be selling. Your friends. Their kids. Here's why: it's an unbeatable market force man. It's a three-hundred percent markup value. You can go out on the street and make five-hundred dollars in two hours, come back and do whatever you want to do with the rest of your day and, I'm sorry, you're telling me that... you're telling me that white people would still be going to law school? Robert Wakefield : What's Washington like? Well its like Calcutta, surrounded by beggars. The only difference is the beggars in Washington wear 1500 dollar suits and they don't say please or thank you. Robert Wakefield : My name is Robert. And my wife, Barbara and I are here to support our daughter Caroline. And we're here to listen. Robert Wakefield : What are your policies towards treatment of addiction? General Salazar : Treatment of addiction? Addicts treat themselves. They overdose and then there's one less to worry about. [Robert Wakefield has offered the drug dealer a bribe for information about his missing daughter] Drug Dealer : Who in the FUCK do you think you are? Where the fuck do you think you are, and why the fuck don't I just put your ass in a dumpster? Robert Wakefield : [Shaking, scared] ... I... I got money... Drug Dealer : [Infuriated] I got money! Robert Wakefield : I've got a thousand dollars in my pocket; it's for you. Drug Dealer : If I want your money man, I will TAKE your money! Movie Title: The China Syndrome (1979) as Richard Adams: Churchill, Mac : Richard, I want that goddamn film. Richard Adams : You can kiss my ass! Movie Title: Shining Through (1992) as Ed Leland: Ed Leland : What I was going to ask you to do is stand up, turn around, and close your eyes and tell me everything you see in the room. It's an observation test. Do you really have a problem with that? Linda Voss : Pictures of sailboats and polo ponies; fancy books and diplomas; stuffed fish on the wall; calendar set to the wrong date; bookcases that need dusting; carpets that need cleaning; and a couple of guys from Harvard who are surprised that a girl who needs a job won't be treated like a slave. Linda Voss : If you don't let me go, I'll quit! Ed Leland : I'll miss you. Movie Title: Basic Instinct (1992) as Nick: Nick : Are you a pro? Catherine : No, I'm an amateur. Nick : What did Manny Vasquez call you? Catherine : "Bitch" mostly, but he meant it affectionately. Internal Affairs Investigator: There's no smoking in this building, detective. Nick : [repeating Catherine] What are you gonna do? Charge me with smoking? Psychologist: Nick, when you recollect your childhood, are your recollections pleasing to you? Nick : Number 1, I don't remember how often I used to jerk off, but it was a lot. Number 2, I wasn't pissed off at my dad, even when I was old enough to know what he and mom were doing in the bedroom. Number 3, I don't look in the toilet before I flush it. Number 4, I haven't wet my bed for a long time. Number 5, why don't the two of you go fuck yourselves; I'm outta here. Gus : Did you ever do drugs with Mr. Boz? Catherine : Sure. Gus : What kind of drugs? Catherine : Cocaine. Have you ever fucked on cocaine, Nick? It's nice. [Catherine Tramell uncrosses her legs and it can be seen she's wearing no underwear] Nick : You like playing games don't you? Catherine : I have a degree in psychology, it goes with the turf... Games are fun. Catherine : What do we do now, Nick? Nick : Fuck like minxs, raise rugrats, live happily ever after. Catherine : Hate rugrats. Nick : Fuck like minxs, forget rugrats, and live happily ever after. [Nick just had rough sex with Beth] Beth Garner : You've never been like that before. Why? Nick : You tell me, you're the shrink. Beth Garner : You weren't making love to me! Nick : Well, who was I making love to? Nick : Writing a book about it gives you an alibi for not killing him. Catherine : Yes it does, doesn't it? Nick : How did you feel when I told you Johnny Boz had died, that day at the beach? Catherine : I felt somebody had read my book and was playing a game. Nick : But you didn't hurt. Catherine : No. Nick : Because you didn't love him. Catherine : That's right. Nick : Even though you were fucking him. Catherine : You still get the pleasure. Didn't you ever fuck anybody else while you were married, Nick? Internal Affairs Investigator: You can't smoke in here. Nick : [repeating Catherine] What are you going to do? Charge me with smoking? Nick : What's your new book about? Catherine : A detective. He falls for the wrong woman. Nick : What happens to him? Catherine : She kills him. Gus : Where in the fuck you been? I went over to your place. Nick : Easy there, partner. I wasn't there. Gus : I went over last night, too. Nick : I wasn't there last night, either. Gus : You... fucked her! Goddamn dumb sonofabitch! You fucked her! Goddamn, you are one dumb sonofabitch! Gus : I thought you said he was a rock and roll star. Lt. Walker : He was a retired rock and roll star. Capt. Talcott : A civic-minded, very respectable rock and roll star. Gus : What's that over there? Nick : It looks like some civic-minded, very respectable cocaine to me, Gus. Nick : Put 'em on the god damn table and LEAVE! Beth Garner : Damn it! Don't shut me out, you owe me more than that! Nick : I don't owe you ANYTHING and you don't owe me anything. Movie Title: A Perfect Murder (1998) as Steven: Emily : We'll work it out? Let me tell you something, you work it out on your fucking own! This is over! Steven : You're not leaving me, the only way you leave me is dead! Steven : When you wake up tomorrow, all this will seem like a bad dream. Emily : What if there is no tomorrow? David Shaw : What happens if the plan goes to hell? Steven : It won't. David Shaw : When's this card game of yours? Steven : Tomorrow evening. David Shaw : Tomorrow? No fucking way! Movie Title: The Game (1997) as Nicholas: [Nicholas van Orten loses a shoe when climbing a fire-escape ladder] Nicholas : There goes a thousand dollars. Christine : Your shoes cost a thousand dollars? Nicholas : That one did. [In a fancy restaurant] Conrad : I've been here before. Nicholas : I took you here for your birthday. Conrad : No, I used to buy crystal meth from the Maitre D. Nicholas : I'm being toyed with by a bunch of depraved children Nicholas : I don't care about the money. I'm pulling back the curtain. I want to meet the wizard. Conrad : This is for you. Nicholas : You shouldn't have. Conrad : What do you get for the man who has... everything? Nicholas : Consumer Recreation Services." Well, I do have golf clubs... Conrad : Call that number. Nicholas : Why? Conrad : Make your life... fun. Nicholas : Fun. Conrad : You know what that is... uh, you've seen other people have it. Nicholas : Did I have a choice... Did I have a choice... Nicholas : No, what is this? What are you... selling? Jim Feingold : Oh. It's a game. Nicholas : What's that? Conrad : [signs document] This... is... the bill. Nicholas : Do you want to split it? Conrad : [exhales] Oh God yes! I'll take some of that... [shows Nicholas enormous number at bottom of receipt] Nicholas : [shocked look] Oh my God... Movie Title: Falling Down (1993) as Bill Foster: Sergeant Prendergast : Let's meet a couple of police officers. They are all good guys. Bill Foster : I'm the bad guy? Sergeant Prendergast : Yeah. Bill Foster : How did that happen? Nick : We're the same, you and me. We're the same, don't you see? Bill Foster : We are not the same. I'm an American and you're a sick asshole. Nick : Just what kind of vigilante are you? Bill Foster : I am not a vigilante. I am just trying to get home to my little girl's birthday party and if everyone will just stay out of my way, nobody will get hurt. Korean Shop Owner: Take the money. Bill Foster : You think I'm a thief? You see, I'm not the thief. I'm not the one charging 85 cents for a STINKING SODA. You're the thief. I'm just standing up for my rights as a consumer. Gang member 1: Whatcha doin' Mr? Bill Foster : Nothing. Gang member 1: Nahh, man. You're trepassing on private property. Bill Foster : Trepassing? Gang member 2: You're loitering too, man. Gang member 1: That's right, you're loitering too. Bill Foster : I didn't see any signs. Gang member 1: [pointing at a graffiti skull] Whatcha call that? Gang member 1: Nahh man, it's not fucking graffiti. That's a sign. Gang member 2: He can't read it man. Gang member 1: Well then I guess I'm gonna have to read it for you. It says this is fucking private property. No fucking trespassing. That means fucking you. Bill Foster : It says all that? Gang member 1: Yeah. Bill Foster : Well, maybe if you wrote it in fucking English, I would fucking understand it. [William "D-FENS" Foster picks up the flat hamburger he just ordered, comparing it to the picture behind the counter] Bill Foster : Can anybody tell me what's wrong with this picture? Annoying Man at Phone Booth : Excuse me... Hey, EXCUSE ME. I don't know if you have noticed it or not, but there are other people waiting to use the phone here. Bill Foster : There are? Annoying Man at Phone Booth : Yeah. Bill Foster : There's other people who want to use the phone? Annoying Man at Phone Booth : That's right, you selfish asshole. Bill Foster : Well, that's too bad. Because you know what? [firing a machine gun into the phone booth] Bill Foster : I think it's out of order. Bill Foster : [to The Golfer that is having a heart attack] Yeah. And now you're gonna die, wearing that stupid little hat. How does it feel? [In the Whammy Burger] Bill Foster : Why am I calling you by your first names? I don't even know you. I still call my boss "Mister", and I've been working for him for seven years, but all of a sudden I walk in here and I'm calling you Rick and Sheila like we're in some kind of AA meeting. . .I don't want to be your buddy, Rick. I just want some breakfast. Sheila : You can call me Miss Folsom if you want. Bill Foster : You're Korean? Do you have any idea how much money my country has given your country? Shop Owner: How much? Bill Foster : I don't know. But, it's gotta be a lot. Bill Foster : What about the briefcase? You forgot the briefcase. Bill Foster : You have a choice. I can kill you. Or you can kill me, and my daughter will get the insurance. Beth : You're not coming here. Bill Foster : Oh but I am. I'm on my way. I've passed the point of no return. You know what that is? That's the point in a journey where it's harder to go back to the beginning than to continue on to the end. It's like when those astronauts got in trouble when they were going to the moon. Somebody messed up or something and they had to get them back to Earth but first they had to go around the moon. They were out of contact for hours. Everybody waited breathlessly to see if a bunch of dead guys in a can would pop out the other side. Well, I'm on the other side of the moon now and everybody will have to wait until I pop out. Beth : The police are here. Bill Foster : Beth, did you know that in some South American countries it's still legal to kill your wife if she insults you? Bill Foster : I've passed the point of no return. Do you know what that is, Beth? That's the point in a journey where it's more difficult to go back to the beginning. It's like when those astronauts got in trouble. I don't know, somebody messed up, and they had to get them back to Earth. But they had passed the point of no return. They were on the other side of the moon and were out of contact for like hours. Everybody waited to see if a bunch of dead guys in a can would pop out the other side. Well, that's me. I'm on the other side of the moon now and everybody is going to have to wait until I pop out. Beth : The police are here. Bill Foster : Did you know, Beth, that in some South American countries it's still legal to kill your wife if she insults you? Panhandler: That's a hell of a way to treat a vet, man. Bill Foster : You're an animal doctor? Panhandler: No, a vet. A veteran. I was in 'Nam, man. Bill Foster : What were you - a drummer boy? You must've been 10 years old. Panhandler: I meant the Gulf. I meant to say the Gulf. Jesus. Come on. All I'm asking for is a little change. I haven't eaten in three days. [has a sandwhich in hand] Panhandler: Well, I mean, except for this. Mr. Lee : You go now. No trouble. Bill Foster : No. I stay. What do you think of that? Bill Foster : What are you doing to the street? Construction Worker: We're fixing it! What the Hell does it look like? Bill Foster : Two days ago it was fine. Are you telling me the street fell apart in two days? Construction Worker: Well, I guess so. Bill Foster : Pardon me, but that's bullshit. You see, I don't think anything's wrong with the street! I think you're just trying to justify your inflated budgets! I know how it works! If you don't spend the projected amount this year, you don't get the same amount next year! Now, I want you to admit, THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH THE STREET! Construction Worker: Hey, fuck you, pal. Nick : Fuck you. Who the fuck are you? Are you fucking with me? I... Bill Foster : I am just disagreeing with you. In America, we have the freedom of speech. The right to disagree. Nick : Fuck you and your freedom. Bill Foster : What are you trying to do? Kill me with a golf ball? It's not enough you have all these beautiful acres fenced in for your little game, but you gotta kill me with a golf ball? You should have children playing here, you should have families having picnics, you should have a goddamn petting zoo. But instead you've got these stupid electric carts for you old men with nothing better to do. [Shoots a golf cart] Bill Foster : Now aren't you ashamed? Bill Foster : Hey. Why are you putting barbed wire on that fence? Is this how you rich people amuse yourselves? You put barbed wire on the fence so innocent people like me can hurt themselves looking in? [after Bill shoots the golf cart, triggering Frank's heart attack] Bill Foster : What's wrong? Frank: My - heart... Bill Foster : Well, what can I do about it? Frank: Pills... get p-pills... Bill Foster : Where are your pills? [Frank points towards the cart, which has just plunged into a water hazard] Bill Foster : Bad news. Your little car's gonna drown. And you're gonna die, wearing that stupid hat. [Bill Foster approaches the gang after they crashed] Bill Foster : You missed. [Foster picks up the UZI and shots to the car] Bill Foster : I missed too. [Foster threatens the gang member as he begs for his life. Foster shoots him in the leg] Bill Foster : You see? That's the concept [Picks up the gym bag with the guns] Bill Foster : Take some shooting lessons, asshole Golfer: Fore! [Hits a golf ball at Foster] Bill Foster : [Takes out a shotgun] Five! Bill Foster : [to customer at WhammyBurger] How are you enjoying your meal? [customer vomits onto tray] Bill Foster : [to manager] Hey, Rick, we have a critic here! I don't think she likes the special sauce. [Bill Foster exits his car in the middle of the highway] Guy on Freeway : Hey, where do you think you're going? Bill Foster : I'm going home! [Foster has just attacked the gang members on the hill] Bill Foster : Clear a path! I'm going home! |
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