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 Jennifer Aniston Quotation"When somebody follows you 20 blocks to the pharmacy, where they watch you buy toilet paper, you know your life has changed." It's impossible to satisfy everyone, and I suggest we all stop trying. "Everybody always asks if we're happy. Give me a break. We're married two years. In Hollywood years, that's forever." - on her marriage to Brad Pitt, after 2 years Movie Title: The Good Girl (2002) as Justine: Justine : After living in the dark for so long a glimpse of light can make you giddy. Strange thoughts come into your head and you bettel think them. Has a special fate been calling you and you're not listening? Is there a secret message right in front of you and you're not reading it? Is this your last chance? Are you gonna take it? Or are you going to the grave with unlived lives in your veins? Justine : As a girl you see the world as a giant candy store filled with sweet candy and such. But one day you look around and you see a prison and you're on death row. You wanna run or scream or cry but something's locking you up. Are the other folks cows chewing cud until the hour comes when their heads roll? Or are they just keeping quiet like you, planning their escape. Justine : Gwen says smoking marijuana lowers your sperm. Phil Last : Lowers it to where? Justine : Maybe you're the infertile one around here. Maybe every time you smoke a little doobie, you're killing our unborn children. Justine : What are we doing here? Holden : Makin' one outta two. Holden : I'm staring to think... That you don't get me. Justine : MAYBE I *don't* get you. Holden : YOU DO. YOU DO GET ME, YOU JUST DON'T WANNA GET ME BECAUSE I AM TOO INTENSIFIED FOR YOU. Justine : Whatcha readin'? Holden : Catcher in the Rye... I'm named after it. Justine : What's your name? [Holden stares at her blankly] Justine : Catcher? Corny : You got any interest in reading the Bible? Justine : I have my own, you know, beliefs. Corny : Well, we don't preach fire and brimstone. 10 Commandments, gotta live by those. Other than the usual ways, we're not interested in scaring people. We're about loving Jesus. Justine : Mm-hmm. Yeah, I kind of like my nights to myself. Corny : Well, maybe you'll have night after night of eternal hellfire all to yourself. Just kidding you. Drive safe. Bye-bye. Justine : Is this your last best chance? Or are you going to your grave with unlived lives in your veins? Justine : They call you Tom? Holden : It's my slave name. Justine : How it all came down to this, only the Devil knows. Retail Rodeo is at the corner on my left. The motel is down the road to my right. I close my eyes and try to peer into the future. On my left, I saw days upon days of lipstick and ticking clocks, dirty looks and quiet whisperings. And burning secrets that just won't ever die away. And on my right, what could I picture? The blue sky, the desert earth, stretching out into the eerie infinity. A beautiful never-ending nothing. Justine : That day I read the story Holden had wrote for me. It was kinda different from the other ones but kinda the same. It was about a girl who was put upon, whose job is like a prison, and whose life has lost all meaning. Other people don't get her, especially her husband. One day she meets a boy who is also put upon and they fall in love. After spending their whole lives never getting got, with one look they get each other completely. In the end the girl and the boy run away together into the wilderness, never to be heard from again. Justine : Holden gave me two of his stories to read. It was more like the story of what a story would be. It was about a boy who was put upon; whose mother is cold and selfish and whose father wanted him to play football. Other people didn't get him. Especiall girls. Soon enough the boy comes to believe that no one can ever really know him. He starts acting out, drinking and taking all kinds of drugs. At the end the boy kills himself by jumping over a bridge. The second story was pretty much the same as the first expect at the end the boy kills himself by drinking a bottle of bug poison. Movie Title: The Object of My Affection (1998) as Nina Borowski / Nina: Nina : Don't open the door for any gas men. Unless you think either one of us would be interested. Nina : I like guys a lot, but I'm not going to waste my time with some guy that doesn't see things the way I do... I mean do you really need this guy? Nina : I want you to be with me, I want you to marry me, I want you to love me the way that I love you. Nina : You don't tell a woman that you love her and then two days later bring Romeo over to sleep with him. Nina : You have to pick one person and make it work. Nina : Freud didn't know DICK about women. Rodney Fraser : Have you noticed that you're the only practicing heterosexual at your Thanksgiving dinner? Nina Borowski : I haven't practiced for a while. Constance : Do you love him? Nina : Yeah, whatever that means. Nina : I want to look at you and not feel so hurt by you. George Hanson : Do you ever just want to touch her nose? I mean its like a Tulip. Nina : Don't start that with her. Nina : Head up young person. Movie Title: Leprechaun (1993) as Tory: Tory : That thing is a leprechaun and we've GOTTA figure out how to stop it! Tory : Nathan, that was no FUCKING bear. Movie Title: Rock Star (2001) as Emily: Emily : Oh no no...I could make you a pair of those. But first you gotta tell me what you shove in there to make people think you're a guy. Emily : Rob, I'm a business woman, and rule number one in this business is you go where the talent is...and all the fucking talent that was in this band has just left the room! Movie Title: Picture Perfect (1997) as Kate Mosley: Kate Mosley : I can be a "bad" girl for you Sam. Kate Mosley : We had sex mommy! The really dirty kind! Kate Mosley : Sam, you're always going to be the guy at the restaurant, who, when he gets what he ordered, decides he wants what the other guy has instead. Rita Mosely : I want a grandchild. Kate Mosley : Well, Ma, you'll be happy to know that I am looking into having some eggs frozen. Rita Mosely : Wonderful. I can tell everyone I'm having a grandsicle. Kate Mosley : This is my Nick. Sam Mayfair : I'm her Sam. Kate Mosley : I like men, men like me...but then somewhere in the last year or so, I've just gotten so screwed up. Kate Mosley : We're number 2: And that ain't bad! Movie Title: Along Came Polly (2004) as Polly Prince: Polly Prince : You wanna come upstairs and have sex? Reuben Feffer : Huh? Polly Prince : I'm kidding! Polly Prince : I've been living my life, okay? I've been in good relationships and I've been in shitty ones... and I've moved alot... and I've been happy, and I've been sad... and I've been lonely... and that is what I've been doing. Which is a lot more then I can say for some freak, who thinks he's gonna get the Ebola virus from a bowl of mixed nuts. Movie Title: Bruce Almighty (2003) as Grace: Bruce : Love me. Love me. Grace : ...I did. Grace : I've never seen the moon that big. Bruce : We really shouldn't waste it. Grace : Oh, God. Bruce : You can call me Bruce. Grace : I've got a very rare blood type. I'm AB positive. Bruce : Well I'm IB positive. I be positive they aren't gettin near me with any needle. Grace : Debbie won the lottery. Bruce : Really? Grace : Yeah, well, she and about 400,000 other people so she only won 17 bucks. Grace : You know that everything happens for a reason. Bruce : See, that I don't need. That is a cliché. That is not helpful to me. "A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush"... I have no bird, I have no bush. God has taken my bird and my bush. Bruce : [Bruce turns around from a mirror and sees the dog urinating on a chair] Grace, the dog! Grace : I'm in the shower! Movie Title: South Park (1997) as Miss Stevens: [driving through San Jose, Costa Rica] Eric Cartman : Oh my God, it smells like ass out here. Miss Stevens : All right, that does it. Eric Cartman, you respect other cultures this instant. Eric Cartman : I wasn't saying anything about their culture, I was just saying their city smells like ass. Miss Stevens : You may think that making fun of third-world countries is funny but let me... Eric Cartman : I don't think it's funny. This place is overcrowded, smelly and poor. That's not funny, that sucks. Movie Title: Office Space (1999) as Joanna: Joanna : How dare you judge me? Look at you. You're just some penny-stealing... criminal... man. Peter Gibbons : Well that may be, but at least I never slept with Lumbergh. Joanna : So, where do you work, Peter? Peter Gibbons : Initech. Joanna : In-yeah, what do you do there? Peter Gibbons : I sit in a cubicle and I update bank software for the 2000 switch. Joanna : What's that? Peter Gibbons : Well see, they wrote all this bank software, and, uh, to save space, they used two digits instead of four. So like 98 instead of 1998? Uh, so I go through these thousands of lines of code and, uh... it doesn't really matter. I uh, I don't like my job, and, uh, I don't think I'm gonna go anymore. Joanna : You're just not gonna go? Peter Gibbons : Yeah. Joanna : Won't you get fired? Peter Gibbons : I don't know, but I really don't like it, and, uh, I'm not gonna go. Joanna : So you're gonna quit? Peter Gibbons : Nah-uh. Not really. Uh... I'm just gonna stop going. Joanna : When did you decide all that? Peter Gibbons : About an hour ago. Joanna : An hour ago... so you're gonna get another job? Peter Gibbons : I don't think I'd like another job. Joanna : Well, what are you going to do about money and bills and... Peter Gibbons : You know, I've never really liked paying bills. I don't think I'm gonna do that, either. Joanna : So what do you wanna do? Peter Gibbons : First I'm gonna take you out to dinner and then I'm gonna go back to my apartment and watch kung fu. Do you ever watch kung fu? Joanna : I love kung fu. Peter Gibbons : Channel 39. Joanna : Totally. Peter Gibbons : You should come over and watch kung fu tonight. Joanna : Ok. Ok. Can we order lunch first? Ok. Peter Gibbons : Doesn't it bother you that you have to get up in the morning and you have to put on a bunch of pieces of flair? Joanna : Yeah, but I'm not about to go in and start taking money from the register. Peter Gibbons : Well, maybe you should. You know, the Nazis had pieces of flair that they made the Jews wear. Peter Gibbons : Um, the 7-Eleven, right? You take a penny from the tray. Joanna : From the crippled children? Peter Gibbons : No, that's the jar. I'm talking about the tray, the pennies for everybody. Joanna : Why don't you call me when you grow up, wait a minute that will never happen so why don't you just not call me, yeah [starts to close car door] Peter Gibbons : Say hello to Lumbergh for me! Joanna : You know what, Stan, if you want me to wear 37 pieces of flair, like your pretty boy over there Bryan, why don't you make the minimum 37 pieces of flair? Stan, Chotchkie's Manager : Well, I thought I remembered you saying that you wanted to express yourself. Joanna : You know what, I do want to express myself, okay. And I don't need 37 pieces of flair to do it. [flips off Stan] Movie Title: Friends (1994) as Rachel: Rachel : I use my breasts to get other peoples attention. Monica : WE BOTH DO THAT. Rachel : Hey, just so you know: it's *not* that common, it *doesn't* "happen to every guy," and it *is* a big deal. [after Monica gets a disastrous haircut] Ross : How's Monica? Phoebe : She's calmed down a bit. I put a clip on one side, which seems to have stopped the curling. Ross : How's the hair? Phoebe : I'm not gonna lie to you Ross. It doesn't look good. Joey : Can we see her? Phoebe : No, your hair looks too good. I think it would only upset her. Rachel : Oh. Phoebe : Ross, you can go on in. Monica : Thanksgiving tomorrow four o'clock. [to Rachel] Monica : Guess who I invited? Do you remember that guy Will Cobert from high school? He was in Ross' class marching band. He was kinda overweight... really overweight... I was his thin friend. Rachel : Wow. I don't remember him. Honey, are you sure you're not talking about your imaginary boyfriend? Monica : No that was Jared. Wow. I haven't though about him in a long time. Phoebe : Now, we can kick anybody's ass! Rachel : Yeah! Ross : After one class? I don't think so. Rachel : What? You want to see me self-defend myself? Go over there and pretend you're a sexual predator! Go on! I dare ya! Ross : Well, of course you can defend yourself from an attack you know is coming, that's not enough. Look, I studied karate for a long time, and there's a concept you should really be familiar with. It's what the Japanese call unagi. Rachel : Isn't that a kind of sushi? Ross : No, it's a concept. Phoebe : Yeah, it is! It is! It's freshwater eel. Ross : All right, maybe it means that too. Rachel : Ooh! I would kill for a salmon skin roll right now. Ross : Y'know what? Fine! Get attacked! I don't even care! Monica : What you guys don't understand is, for us, kissing is as important as any part of it. Joey : Yeah, right!... Y'serious? Phoebe : Oh, yeah! Rachel : Everything you need to know is in that first kiss. Monica : Absolutely. Chandler : Yeah, I think for us, kissing is pretty much like an opening act, y'know? I mean it's like the stand-up comedian you have to sit through before Pink Floyd comes out. Ross : Yeah, and-and it's not that we don't like the comedian, it's that-that... that's not why we bought the ticket. Chandler : The problem is, though, after the concert's over, no matter how great the show was, you girls are always looking for the comedian again, y'know? I mean, we're in the car, we're fighting traffic... basically just trying to stay awake. Rachel : Yeah, well, word of advice: Bring back the comedian. Otherwise next time you're gonna find yourself sitting at home, listening to that album alone. Joey : [pause] ... Are we still talking about sex? Monica : Rach, it's the Visa card people. Rachel : Oh, God, ask them what they want. Monica : [On the phone] Could you please tell me what this is in reference to?... Yes, hold on. [to Rachel] Monica : Um, they say there's been some unusual activity on your account. Rachel : But I haven't used my card in weeks. Monica : That is the unusual activity. Ross : I know something that will cheer you up, guess whose middle name is Muriel? Rachel : OH MY GOD. Chandler M. Bing. Ross : Every week a TV Guide is delivered to Joey and Chandler. What is the name on the magazine? Rachel : Oh it's Chandler Bing. Him. Right there. Monica : No. Ross : Actually the correct answer is "Chanandler Bong" Chandler : Ms. Chanandler Bong. Rachel : Honey what are you doing here? Phoebe : [to Ross] Which sister is this, the spoiled one or the one that bit her? Jill Green : Daddy cut me off. Phoebe : [to Ross] Never mind I got it. Jill Green : And you know what I said to him? I said, I'm gonna hire a lawyer and I'm gonna sue you and take all your money and then cut *you* off. Rachel : Wow. What did he say? Jill Green : He said he wouldn't pay for my lawyer. Ross : I'm gonna go out on a limb and say, "No divorces in '99. Whoo." Rachel : But your divorce isn't even final yet. Ross : Just the one divorce in '99. WHOO. This year I'm going to be happy, I'm gonna make myself happy. Chandler : So, do you want us to leave the room? Will : [about how he hated Rachel in high school] It wasn't just me. We had a club. Rachel : You had a club? Will : That's right. The I Hate Rachel Green Club. Rachel : O my God! So what? You all just join together to hate me? Who else was in this club? Will : Me and Ross. [points to Ross] Ross : No need to point. She knows who Ross is. [Re: "If you had to give up sex or food, which would you pick?"] Monica : Sex! Chandler : Seriously. Answer faster. Monica : I'm sorry, sweetie. When she said "sex" I wasn't thinking of sex with you. Chandler : It's like a big hug. Phoebe : Ross, how about you? Sex or food? Ross : Sex! Phoebe : What about sex or dinosaurs? Ross : My God, it's like Sophie's Choice. Phoebe : Joey, if you had to give up sex or food, which would you pick? Joey : I don't know it's too hard. Rachel : Come on, you have to answer. Joey : Okay... sex. No, food. No, uh... I want both! I want girls on bread! [after Chandler finds out that Monica still flirts with other men even though they're together] Monica : Chandler, this actually bothers you? Chandler : Yes, it does bother me. And I think it would bother a lot of people. Rachel, when you were going out with Ross, did it bother you when he flirted with other women? Rachel : Uh, no, no, it bothered me when he *slept* with other women... [Mona doesn't know that Rachel is living with Ross] Mona: Listen, Rachel, I appreciate your situation but this is Valentine's Day. So, if you don't mind, would you please just go back home? [Ross enters with his gift for Mona] Rachel : What are you talking about? I live here. Ross : [nervously gives Mona her present] Happy Valentine's Day. [Mona stares angrily at Ross] Ross : Or, something to remember me by... [Rachelle is crawling on the floor behind the couch secretly looking for Monica's lost earring] Monica : Rach? What are you doing? Rachel : Oh I just can't watch. It's too scary. Monica : It's a pampers commercial. [Rachel looks up at the screen then goes back down... ] Rachel : Oh you know me, Babies, responsibilities, Ahhh. Rachel : Then the waiter spilled water down my back, and my boob popped out. Phoebe : Oh, No Rachel : It's ok. I have nice boobs. [Rachel is nervous about leaving Emma alone in the apartment for a few minutes] Rachel : What if she jumped out the basinet? Ross : Can't hold her own head up, but yeah, jump out. Rachel : Oh my God, I left the water running. Ross : Rach, you did not leave the water running. Please, just pull yourself together, okay? Rachel : Ah, did I leave the stove on? Ross : You haven't cooked since 1996. Rachel : Is the window open? Because if there's a window open, a bird could fly in there. Ross : Oh my god, you know what, yeah, I think you're right. I think... listen, listen. Rachel : Huh? Ross : A pigeon, a pigeon. No, no wait, no, no, an eagle flew in. Landed on the stove and caught fire. The baby, seeing this, jumps across the apartment to the mighty bird's aid. The eagle, however, misconstrues it as an act of aggression and grabs the baby in its talons. Meanwhile the faucet fills the apartment with water. Baby and bird still ablaze are locked in a death grip, swirling around in the whirlpool that fills the apartment. Rachel : If that happens now, you're going to feel SO bad. Joey : I can pass for 19, right? Chandler : Yes, you can pass for 19. Joey : Really? Chandler : Yes. Joey : Seriously. Chandler : Seriously? Seriously, no, okay? You can play your own age, which is 31. Joey : [gasps] I'm 30. Rachel : Joey, you are not; you're 31. Joey : Aw, crap. Rachel : Hey, you guys wanna go see a movie? Ross : Yeh, sure. Rachel : How about you, Phoebe? Phoebe : No thanks I've already seen one. Rachel : Guess what. Barry and Mindy are getting a divorce. Joey : [looking at Ross] How dare you. Monica : No. Barry and Mindy. Joey : Oh, sorry, I hear "divorce" and I automatically go to Ross. Monica : Oh my god. How cute is the new eye doctor? Rachel : So cute I'm thinking about jamming this pen in my eye. Rachel : Guess what, GUESS WHAT? Chandler : The fifth dentist finally caved and now they ALL recommend Trident? [Ross has traded in his "Snuggles" for a more manly laundry detergent] Rachel : What's that? Ross : Uberweiss. It's strong, it's German, it's extra-tough. [Ross is wearing a white suit] Monica : I like it even better on you than on Colonel Sanders. Ross : Look, I just came here to tell you guys something. Rachel : Oh. Was it how you invented the cotton gin? Rachel : You caught me. I'm a laundry virgin. Ross : Then I'll use the gentle cycle. Rachel : You don't just flit off to Vermont as soon as you meet someone. Monica : You flitted off to Vail as soon as you met Barry. Rachel : For once, could you not just remember every little thing? Rachel : Finally. I get to see what Joey Tribianni is like on a date. So, you got any moves? Joey : No. I'm just myself, and if the girl doesn't like that then- [breaks down laughing] Joey : I'm sorry, I couldn't even get through that. [about Ross' new baby] Rachel : I can't believe one of us has one of these. Chandler : I know. I still am one of these. Rachel : If she wanted to be more like me, why couldn't she just copy my hairstyle or something? Chandler : Can you see my nipples through this shirt? Rachel : No, but don't worry. I'm sure they're still there. Rachel : I've never asked a guy out before. Phoebe : You've never asked a guy out? Rachel : No. Have you? Phoebe : Thousands of times. That doesn't make me sound too good, does it? [Rachel complaining about her father] Rachel : Oh, it was horrible. He called me "young lady". Chandler : Ugh, I hate when my father calls me that. Monica : Paul, this is everybody. Everybody, this is Paul. Joey : Hey, Paul, the wine guy. Ross : Hey, Paul. Phoebe : Hey, Paul. Rachel : Hi, Paul. Chandler : I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name. Paul, was it? Ross : You know, you probably didn't know this, but back in high school, I had a major crush on you. Rachel : I knew. Ross : You did. Oh... I always figured you just thought I was Monica's geeky older brother. Rachel : I did. [Peering out the window] Phoebe : Hey. It looks like Ugly Naked Guy is moving. Ross : Ironically, most of the boxes are labeled "clothes." Rachel : Oh, I'm gonna miss that big, fat, squishy butt. Rachel : You don't want to try things too fast. You know what happened to the girl who tried things too fast? Jill Green : No. What? Rachel : Well... she died. Rachel : Cool. "Urkel" in Spanish is "Urkel." [A ritual to get rid of bad-boyfriend karma] Phoebe : Okay, now we need the sage branches and the sacramental wine. Monica : All I have is oregano and a Fresca. Phoebe : That's okay. [Adds them] Phoebe : All right, now we need the semen of a righteous man. Rachel : OK, Pheebs, you know what? If we had that, we wouldn't be doing the ritual in the first place. Rachel : Oh, honey. Don't get up. What do you need? Phoebe : Oh, no. Oh, nothing. Rachel : Come on. I am here to take care of you. What do you need? Anything. Phoebe : Okay, I have a wedgie. Rachel : Okay, that is all you. Rachel : So umm, how - how are we gonna mess with them? Phoebe : Well, you could use your position, y'know, as the roommate. Rachel : Okay. Phoebe : And then I would use, y'know, the strongest tool at my disposal: my sexuality. Ross : So when I get to China, guess who's in charge of the dig? Rachel : Julie. Isn't that just kick-you-in-the-crotch, spit-on-your-neck, fantastic. Monica : I'm Rachel. I love Ross. I hate Ross. I love Ross. I hate Ross. Rachel : I'm Monica. I can't get a boyfriend so I'll stumble across the hall and sleep with the first guy I find there. Rachel : Oh my God. I've become my father. I've been trying so hard not to become my mother, I didn't see this coming. Rachel : See? Unisex. Joey : Maybe *you* need sex. I just had it a few days ago. Rachel : No, Joey, U-N-I-sex. Joey : I wouldn't say no to that. Ross : I'm sorry your husband cheated on you. Rachel : I'm sorry your wife is gay. [Jill is wearing a sexy outfit] Jill Green : So, what do you think? Rachel : I-I don't like it. Jill Green : Really? Rachel : It's kinda slutty. Jill Green : It's yours. Rachel : Well, I'm a slut. Jill Green : Me too. Rachel : [walking out of the bathroom] Mon, I'm gonna to check my messages. Chandler : And you thought of that in there? Monica : Well, nature called and she wanted to see who else did. Rachel : Well, it was one night at a party and we both had a lot of sangria and we started kissing. Ross : Now that's two of my wives. Rachel : You're a pathetic loser, right? Chandler : Oh yeah Chandler : The other cheesecake came. They delivered it to the wrong address again. Rachel : So, just bring it back downstairs. What's the problem? Chandler : I can't seem to say good-bye. Joey : The vicar won't be home for hours. Rachel : [shocked] Joey, where'd you learn that word? Rachel : Maybe Joey's right. Maybe all good deeds are selfish. Phoebe : I will find a selfless good deed. 'Cause I just gave birth to three children and I will not let them be raised in a world where Joey is right. Joey : Rach, you gotta find out if he's in the same place you are. Otherwise, it's just a moo point. Rachel : A moo point? Joey : Yeah. It's like a cow's opinion. It just doesn't matter. It's moo. Rachel : Have I been living with him too long or did that all just make sense? Chandler : I know about the baby. Monica : We have a baby? Chandler : Phoebe found your pregnancy test in the trash. Monica : I didn't take a pregnancy test. Chandler : Then who did? Phoebe : They're actually married. And they're gonna have a baby. Rachel : Uhuh. [Ross and Rachel are drunk in Vegas] Joey : Hey Rach. How you doin'? Rachel : I'm doing good baby. How you doin'? Joey : Ross. Don't let her drink anymore. Rachel : How do I ask a guy out? Joey : Well when I ask a girl out I look her up and down and say, how you doing? Rachel : ewww Joey : [Turns to Phoebe] How you doing? Phoebe : [Giggles] Just fine. Rachel : Come on. You guys can pee standing up. Chandler : You rent out these tuxes to celebrities for award shows. Rachel : Yeah. Chandler : You mean these tuxes have been down the red carpet with people screaming "Wow. You look fabulous." at them? Rachel : Honey, could I recommend watching a little bit more "ESPN" and a little less "E."? Rachel : It's a RELAXI-TAXI. Phoebe : Ugh. The name was my favorite part. Rachel : Well, I came up with it. Phoebe : You did not. You came up with relaxi-CAB. That name sucks. Rachel : It's not "relaxi-CA-AB" its "reLAXI-cab" like "taxi cab". Phoebe : Oh, that *is* good [Ross tries picking out a dress for Rachel] Ross : Look, I'm sorry, I thought it looked pretty. Rachel : Ross, that was a Halloween costume, unless you would like me to go to this thing as Little Bo Peep. Ross : Look, I didn't recognize it without that inflatable sheep. Rachel : Yeah, which, by the way Chandler, I would like back one of these days. Chandler : We used them as pillows when we went camping. Ross : What? Chandler : [shyly] The sheep. Ross : Hey, what you do on your own time... [Thanksgiving] Rachel : You know what we should do? We should play that game where everybody says what they're thankful for. Joey : Oh. I should be thankful for the wonderful fall we've been having. Everybody: YEAH. Joey : I remember one day I was at the bus stop and this cool fall breeze came blowing out of nowhere and totally lifted this chick's skirt. Oh. And I'm also thankful for thongs. Joey : Hey check it out. Ugly Naked Guy's got a naked friend. Rachel : Omigod. That's our friend. It's naked Ross. [talking about engagement presents for Monica and Chandler] Rachel : Oh, y'know what you should get 'em? One of those little uh, portable CD players. Monica : Oh, I already have one. Phoebe : Not unless someone borrowed it and left it at the gynecologist. Rachel : Yeah, and-and-and by someone, she means Joey. Rachel : Y'know Joey, I could teach you to sail if you want. Joey : You could? Rachel : Yeah. I've been sailing my whole life. When I was fifteen my dad bought me my own boat. Phoebe : Your own boat? Rachel : What? What? He was trying to cheer me up. My pony was sick. Joey : [drinking a beer on the boat] Look at this clown. Just because he's got a bigger boat he thinks he can take up the whole river. [Yelling] Joey : Get out of the way jackass. [to Rachel] Joey : Who names his boat Coast Guard anyway? Rachel : That is the Coast Guard. Joey : You're mean on the boat. Rachel : What? I was just trying to teach you. Joey : Well, lesson learned. Rachel is mean. Ross : Yeeeeeep... Yep-yep-yep-yep-yep. I remember when she took me out on her dad's boat she wouldn't let me help at all. Rachel : Excuse me, I wanted you to help, but you couldn't move your arms because you were wearing three life jackets. Ross : You have to respect the sea. Rachel : God, this is funny, look, this is a picture of one Halloween where she dressed up as a bride. [Shows Phoebe the picture] Rachel : And look, she made me carry her train, which was weird because I was Wonder Woman. Monica : [about the erogenous zones] Now, most guys will hit uh, 1-2-3 and then go to 7 and set up camp. Chandler : That-that's bad? Rachel : Well if you go to Disneyland, you don't spend the whole day on the Materhorn. Chandler : Well you might if it were anything like 7. [Ross coming back from bathroom, getting ready to play poker with Rachel] Ross : Your money is mine, Green. Rachel : Your fly is open, Geller. [Rachel just found out her husband Barry has been cheating on her] Rachel : What is it with men? Do wedding vows mean squat to you people? Ross : Wait. Didn't you spend last night at Joey's Rachel : What are you a detective? Monica : Dad, Chandler didn't melt your records, Ross did. Jack Geller : Is that... Monica : And Dad, you know that mailman you got fired? He didn't steal your Playboy's, Ross did. Ross : Yea, well Hurricane Gloria didn't break the porch swing, Monica did. Monica : Ross hasn't worked at the museum for a year. Ross : MONICA & CHANDLER ARE LIVING TOGETHER. Monica : Ross married Rachel in Vegas, and got divorced, AGAIN. Phoebe : I Love Jok Custou. Rachel : I wasn't supposed to put beef in the trifle. Joey : I WANNA GOOOOOOO. Judy Geller : That's a lot of information to get in thirty seconds. [Ross and Rachel are trying to decide a name for their baby] Ross : OK, how about Ruth? Rachel : Oh, I'm sorry, are we having an 89 year old woman? Jill Green : All right, I'm leaving. Because I'm not going to spend one more day with someone whose out to sabotage my every move. That's you Rachel. Rachel : Yeah, I got that. Monica : Are you sure you peed on the stick right? Rachel : How many ways are there to do that? Rachel : [after winning a hand of poker. sing-song to Ross] I have got your money, and you'll never see it, and your fly's still open [pause] Rachel : ha, i made you look. [Rachel is trying to stall Monica from getting ready] Rachel : I'll just become a lesbian Monica : Any woman would be lucky to have you [Rachel is telling a story of how she once kissed another girl and Phoebe doesn't believe her] Phoebe : Okay it just seems a little wild and you're so... vanilla. Rachel : Vanilla? I'm not vanilla. I've done lots of crazy things. I mean I got drunk and married in Vegas. Phoebe : To Ross. [filling out a form] Monica : Are you currently on any medication? Rachel : Um, oh wait yes. Blistex. Monica : Okay, no. Rachel : How do we end up with these jerks? We're good people. Monica : Maybe we're like some kind of magnets. Phoebe : I know I am. That's why I can't wear a digital watch. Monica : There's more beer right? Rachel : [when Ross walks in] Oh there he is, the father of my child, the porn king of the west village. Rachel : Joey... Why is there a book in the freezer? [Debating whether to see Ross & Rachel's videotape] Ross : You want to see it? Rachel : Clearly, you don't want people to see it. Now I don't want people to see it either, but you so badly don't want people to see it makes me want to see it, you see? Joey : Are we watching the tape or not? Chandler : That's the magical story you use when you want to have sex. Rachel : How do you know about that story? Joey : How do YOU know about that story? Rachel : I heard it from my friend Irene who heard it from some guy. Joey : [raising his hand] some guy. Rachel : No, she told me his name was Ken Adams. Joey : [raising his hand again] Ken Adams. Tommy: So, you work at Bloomindales... My mom calls it Bloomies. Rachel : Yeah, ok, At ease soldier. [All sitting around coffee table talking about their "weirdest place"] Rachel : Come on, someone go. Monica : OK, I'll go, Senior year of college on a pool table. Ross : That's my sister. Joey : OK, my weirdest place would have to be... the women's room on the second floor of the New York City Public Library. Monica : Oh my God. What were YOU doing in a library? Ross : Phoebs, what about you? Phoebe : Oh... Milwaukee... well it's a really weird place. Rachel : Um... Ross? Ross : Disneyland, 1989, 'It's a Small World After All'. The ride broke down. So, Carol and I went behind a couple of those mechanical dutch children... then they fixed the ride and we were asked never to return to the Magic Kingdom. Phoebe : Oh, Rachel. Rachel : Oh come on, I already went. Monica : You did not go. Rachel : All right... oh, the foot of the bed. Ross : Step back... Joey : We have a winner. [Rachel is upset about something] Phoebe : It's ok Pheebs. Rachel : Honey, that's your name. Phoebe : Oh. I thought that was just something we called each other. Rachel : Do you know the only person who'd wanna listen to this? A mental health professional. And that's only because they get paid a hundred dollars an hour. [At a soap opera awards show, Joey accepted an award on an absent actress' behalf]] Rachel : Joey, you can't steal an award. Joey : I'm not stealing it. I'm accepting it on her behalf. Rachel : You don't even know what behalf means. Joey : I know what it means. It's a verb. As in, I behalfing it. Rachel : How long do you think, should a girl wait if a guy just broke up with his girlfriend? Phoebe : A month. Monica : Really? I'd say two or three. Joey : Half hour. Rachel : Interesting. [Knock at the door - it's Rachel's sister, Jill] Rachel : Oh my God, Jill. Jill Green : Oh my God, Rachel. Chandler : Oh my God, introduce us. Rachel : Hey, Chandler. Monica just broke my seashell lamp. Chandler : Neat. I'm gonna die alone. Rachel : Okay, you win. Chandler : Rachel, it's the Visa card people. Rachel : Oh, okay. Will you take my place? Chandler : All right. [on phone] Chandler : Yes, this is Rachel. Rachel : Who's George Snuffalopagus? Phoebe : Big Bird's friend. Rachel : Ooh, I'm a man. Ooh, I have a penis. Ooh, I have to win money to exert my power over women. Rachel : Hey Ben, you know what? When you were a baby, you and I used to do all sorts of stuff together, coz I was your daddy's girlfriend. Ben : But you're not anymore. Rachel : No, no we're not. Ben : Coz you and dad were on a break. [Ross got Joey a job at the museum, as a tour guide] Rachel : But shouldn't you know what you're talking about? Joey : Yeah, but they tell me everything I need to know. It's like reading a script. Like, "this is a Tyranosaurus Rex a creature from the Jurassic period". [everyone approves] Ross : Actually, Joey, it's the Cretaceous period. Joey : Yeah, but, I can pronounce Jurassic. [In Ross's apartment] Amy : Could I take this call upstairs? Ross : Sure... but we don't live there. Amy : [to Rachel] I thought he was a doctor. Rachel : He has a Phd. Amy : Ewww... Monica : Rachel, you have to find Chandler's dad. Rachel : Ok, what does he look like? Monica : He's the man in the black dress. Hurry. Rachel : Ok... Joey : [thinking] OK, I have no feelings for Rachel. No feelings at all. She's just a friend. I mean, I might have had some feelings for her, but now they're all gone. All of them. As a matter of fact, I don't think I ever had feelings for Rachel. [Rachel walks into the room] Rachel : Hey, sweetie. Joey : [thinking] I love you. Phoebe : Ok, I got an idea. If it's a girl, Phoebe, naturally. And, if it's a boy... Phoebo. Ross : Uhh... Sure, but let's not limit ourselves to just one name. Rachel : Ok, I got one. If it's a girl... Sandrine. It's French. Ross : That's a great name... for an industrial solvent. Rachel : Ok, you got a better one? Ross : Yeah, check this out. If it's a boy - Darwin. Rachel : Yes, Ross, I do want a son who'll be regularly beaten in the schoolyard. Phoebe : By Sandrine. Rachel : I think it's a great thing you're having for Frank and Alice. Phoebe : Can I tell you a secret? I'm gonna keep one. Rachel : Oh, my god. I'm going to be on the news... Joey : C'mon. I got *your* secrets, I got *their* secrets; I got secrets of my own you know. Rachel : [rolling her eyes] You don't have any secrets Joey : Oh yeah? Well you don't know about Hugsy, my bedtime penguin pal. [blushes, embarrassed] [Rachel approaches a woman, who she thinks is Chandler's dad] Rachel : Hi, I'm Rachel. And you are? Woman: Amanda. Rachel : Oh... I get it. A-man-duh. [Ross and Rachel are picking out names for their baby, and have each 5 vetoes] Ross : Curie. Rachel : Veto. Rain. Ross : Veto. Mark. Rachel : Veto. Vince. Ross : Veto. Lance. Rachel : Veto. James. Ross : Hmmm... Rachel : If it's a girl. Ross : Veto. Phoebe : Is it just me, or is Vito beginning to sound real good? [Everyone calls Chandler, who is in Tulsa, on speakerphone] Monica : So, is everyone else working on Christmas Eve, too? Chandler : No, I sent everyone home. Monica : You are such a good boss. Chandler : Yeah, I know. It's just me and Wendy. Monica : Who's Wendy? That sounds like a girl's name. Chandler : Well, yeah... Joey : Oh, Wendy was the one who was runner up for Ms. Oklahoma. Monica : You're in alone in the same room as the second prettiest girl in Oklahoma? Chandler : Well... The second prettiest THAT year. If you count it now, she's probably the... Rachel : Oh, Chandler, stop talking. Monica : Did you get any sleep? Did you talk to Barry? I CAN'T STOP SMILING. Rachel : I know, it looks like you slept with a hanger in your mouth. [Rachel, Phoebe and Chandler are looking for Monica's Christmas presents] Phoebe : Oh, my god. Under the couch. [takes out bag] Rachel : We got one. It's a Macy's bag. [turns it over and an old shoe falls out] Phoebe : Yay. Who's it for? Rachel : [reads note attached to shoe] "Dear suckers, do you really think I would hide presents under the couch. P.S.: Chandler, I knew they'd break you." Phoebe : Oh, no. I think she might be on to us. [Ross asked Rachel to bring Joey to help move the couch but brought Chandler instead] Ross : So, did you bring Joey? Rachel : Uh, no, but I brought the next best thing. [Chandler walks in] Ross : Chandler. You brought Chandler. The next best thing would be Monica. Chandler : Normally, I would be offended, but Monica is freakishly strong. Rachel : I had a baby. Amy : I decorated dad's office. Rachel : Ah yeah. Well unless you pushed a desk out of your vagina, not the same thing. Rachel : I would like to invite Amy to Thanksgiving. Ross : You know, I think that's a great idea. It'll be like the Pilgrims bringing the Indians syphilis. Rachel : I mean, is that woman capable of talking about anything else but sex? Joey : Yeah sure. Well, you know earlier she was talking about geography. Monica : Joey, she was listing the countries she's done it in. Joey : Well, I think we all learned something. Chandler : Time's up. Pheebs, how many you got? Phoebe : Well, I started naming states, but then I got tired of it. So, I started naming different types of celery. So far I only got one- regular celery. Chandler : ...Okay, Phoebe's got the lead in vegetables. Rach? Rachel : 48. Chandler : Not bad. Joey? Joey : Behold the new champion of Chandler's stupid state game. Ross : How many you got? Joey : 56. [When one of Ross' male students claims to be in love with him] Ross : I mean, last year Elizabeth now-now this kid. What-what-what-what is it? Am I giving out some kind of... sexy professor vibe? Rachel : Not right now. Ross : All right, I'll tell you why you're a bad driver. You're fast and irresponsible. Rachel : Well, excuse me but in high school that made me head cheerleader. Rachel : [on the phone with her dad] Well, maybe it's my decision. Well, maybe I don't need your money. Wait. I said maybe. [Rachel is supposed to be cutting up her credit cards] Everybody: Cut, cut, cut, cut. Rachel : [cuts a card] You know what? I think we can leave it at that. It was kind of a symbolic gesture... Monica : Rachel, that was a library card. [Everybody cheers her on, and she reluctantly cuts a credit card] Chandler : You know, if you listen closely, you can hear a thousand retailers scream. [after Joey told Rachel he loved her, she told him her boss wanted to buy her baby in order to make things less awkward] Rachel : Joey, I'm really sorry that I lied to you. I was just trying to make things... Joey : I know. I know. Rachel : It kinda worked. I mean you know, I don't know about you but I haven't thought about our thing since all this. Joey : Hey you're right. Yeah, it's kinda been like us again a little bit. Rachel : Yeah I know. I miss that. Joey : Me too. I mean I... haven't thought at all about how I put myself out there and said all that stuff and how you didn't feel the same way about me and-and how it was really awkward. [long, awkward pause] Rachel : My gynecologist tried to kill me. [to Joey's stalker who thinks he is Drake Remore] Joey : I'm not Drake. Ross : That's right, he's not Drake, he's Hans Remore, Drake's evil twin. Erica : Is this true? Rachel : Yes, yes it is true. And I know this because... because he pretended to be Drake too, to sleep with me. [Rachel throws water in his face] Monica : And then he told me he would run away with me, and he didn't. [Rachel throws water in his face] Chandler : And you left the toilet seat up, you bastard. [Chandler throws water in his face] Monica : Anyway, are you gonna get a handyman to install all this stuff? Rachel : No, I was going to do this all by myself. Joey : [laughs] You're gonna do it? Rachel : Yeah. Why, you don't think a woman can do this? Joey : Oh, women can. You... can't. [after having sex with Rachel's boss] Rachel : You promised you would break up with her. Chandler : I did break up with her. She just took it really, really well. Rachel : I don't want my baby's first words to be "How You Doing" [Everyone is eating dinner at a fancy restaurant. Joey, Phoebe, and Rachel don't want to order something expensive because they can't afford it] Rachel : I will have the uh, [whispers] Rachel : side salad. Waiter: [whispers] And what will that be on the side of? Rachel : Uh, I don't know. Why don't you put it right here next to my water? Rachel : [upon receiving her first paycheck] Who's FICA? Why is he getting all my money? [In a Scottish Accent, on the phone] Rachel : Oh Hello Dr Geller. This is Professor McNulty from the fake accent University. We'd like you to come on board with us full time. Rachel : Well, it was about half an hour before the wedding and I was in the room where we were keeping all the presents and someone had bought us this beautiful Limoges gravy boat. And then it hit me. I realized I was more turned on by this gravy boat than by Barry. [In Vegas, Ross and Rachel are drunk in their hotel room] Rachel : [Picking up the phone] Hello? Vegas? Yes, we would like some more alcohol, and you know, we would like some more beers too... hello? Oh wait... I forgot to dial. [There is a knock at the door] Ross : That must be our alcohol and beers. Rachel : I'm not someone who goes after a guy five minutes after he's divorced. Monica : No, you go after them five minutes before they get married... Ross : Chandler was how old when he first touched a girl's breasts? Rachel : 14. Ross : No, 19. Chandler : Thanks, man. Rachel : How do you expect me to grow if you won't let me blow? Ross : Seriously? Rachel : Yes, I was 4 years-old and I was on the swing and then all of a sudden my hair got tangled in the chain. And to get me out my mom had to - had to cut a big chunk of my hair. [she starts crying] Rachel : And it was uneven for weeks. Ross : [sarcastically] And you made it through that? I wonder who's gonna play you in the movie. Rachel : Ok, fine. You can make fun of me. I do not want Emma going there. [pause] Rachel : And I was thinking Claire Danes. Rachel : I've never been to an analyst! Phoebe : And it shows. Rachel : You gotta come with me! Phoebe : Come where? Rachel : Wherever I go! Come on! You and me. We'll... we'll start a new group! We're the best ones! Phoebe : Okay, but try and get Joey, too. Phoebe : Aw, Phebes... Rachel : Honey, that's your name. Phoebe : That's short for Phoebe? I thought that's just what we called each other. Phoebe : You guys, you really should get rid of those animals. They shouldn't be living in an apartment. Rachel : Yeah, especially not with all of these knives and cookbooks around. Rachel : Thank you for my beautiful earrings, they're perfect. I love you. Ross : Oh, now you can exchange them if you want, okay? Rachel : Now I love you even more. Chandler : What are you guys like a gang or something? [Joey whispers to Rachel] Joey : Yeah, we are. [Rachel whispers to Joey] Rachel : We're the Cobras. Rachel : Ok Joey, we'll do it one more time. Don't forget the rules: Heads I win, Tails you loose. Joey : Just flip the coin! [last lines of the series] Rachel : Do you guys have to go to the new house right away or do you have some time? Monica : We've got some time. Rachel : Ok, should we get some coffee? Chandler : Sure. Where? Ross : [frantically presses buttons on answering machine] Oh my God! Did she get off the plane? Did she get off the plane? Rachel : [from behind] I got off the plane. Rachel : Guess what? Ross : You got a job? Rachel : Are you kidding? I'm trained for nothing! I was laughed at 12 interviews today Chandler : And yet you're surprisingly upbeat! Rachel : Well you would be too if you got new boots 50% off Chandler : Oh how well you know me Ross : So I don't know if he's testing me or just acting out but my monkey is OUT OF CONTROL!... He keeps erasing the messages on my machine! Rachel : Oh yeah... I've done that Ross : And a few days ago he got to the newspaper before I did and peed all over the crossword! Rachel : I've never done that Ross : And last night I don't know what he did but there were capers EVERYWHERE! Rachel : Ok, well, I'm turnin' in. Chandler : Rache we gotta settle. Rachel : Settle what? Chandler : The Jamestown Settlement of Virginia! Rachel : You learned some new moves. Ross : A friend at work gave me Sex for Dummies as a joke. Who's laughing now? Rachel : You didn't finish reading it? Ross : It was 5:30 in the morning, and you had rambled on for eighteen pages - front and back! Rachel : Didn't the chick and the duck di... Phoebe : -ve, dive. Yeah, they dove. Head first into fun on the farm. Rachel : So basically you guys get your ya-ya's by taking money from all of your friends. Chandler : Yeah and I get my ya-ya's from Ikea. You have to put them together yourself, but they cost a little less. Rachel : God, could you beleive what a jerk Ross was being? Monica : Don't pay any attention to him, he's always like that Phoebe : [laughs] Monica : What? Phoebe : Hello kettle? This is Monica you're black! Dr. Leonard Green : So what's new with you? Rachel : [hesitating] Uhh, well, I got TiVo...! Dr. Leonard Green : [confused] What's TiVo? Pheobe : It's slang for pregnant! Rachel : [Referring to Ross's new girlfriend] Ooh look, she's touching his leg. Phoebe : Oh you see, that's probably nothing she's very sexually aggressive. Rachel : It's sick! Monica : Why is it sick? Rachel : Because it's Richard's son. It's like inviting a Greek tragedy over for dinner. [Ross is about to tell Rachel that he loves her before she leaves for Paris, but Gunther walks up to her first] Gunther : I... I know you're leaving tonight, but I just have to tell you. I love you. I... I don't know if that changes your plans at all, but I thought you should know. Rachel : Gunther... Oh... I love you too. Probably not in the same way, but I do. And, and when I'm in a café, having coffee, or I see a man with hair brighter than the sun, I'll think of you. Aw. [kisses him on the cheek] Amy : [referring to their other sister Jill] Who's gotten really fat by the way. Rachel : Really? Amy : Mom says she's gained like 15 pounds. Rachel : Hips and thighs? Amy : Ass and face. Rachel : Ohh. I thought she was on Atkins. Amy : She was. Carbs found her. Rachel : I know that you and I kinda drifted apart, but you're the only person I knew who lived here in the city Monica : Who wasn't invited to the wedding...? Rachel : Oh, I was kinda hoping that wouldn't be an issue. |
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