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 Spalding Gray QuotationMovie Title: Spalding Gray: Terrors of Pleasure (1988) as Spalding Gray: Spalding Gray : In the summer of 1982, 1983, 1984, my girlfriend Renee and I rented a cabin in upstate New York in Krumville. K-R-U-M-V-I-L-L-E. Spalding Gray : The guy, the real estate agent takes me into the corner and says with his cigar-y breath and says, "Listen, I think we can get this cheap. I think we can get this for 26-5. His oldest daughter has to have an emergency kidney operation or she'll DIE." Spalding Gray : The first thing he does is ask me what do I do for a living. I chose "writer" that day. He says, "Good. We'll have a lot to talk about. I'm an artist myself. I'm a florist in Queens." Spalding Gray : We stepped into that clear river and an ice cold can of unopened Budweiser just came floating by. Renee just reached out, popped it and chug-a-lugged it down. We were thinking of selling it to the Budweiser people, you know, as an ad, you know? "Young yuppie couple steps out of mountain, this Bud's for you." type of situation. [On owning land instead of a home.] Spalding Gray : What if the gypsy moths come back next year when they're not supposed to come back? Can you imagine owning eighty denuded acres? [On the house he was interested in buying.] Spalding Gray : The only problem was the foundation. There really wasn't one. [On Johnny Delfredo.] Spalding Gray : Mainly what we talked about is how I should by a big car when driving on the freeways. Big General Motors car, you know? Maybe a Cadillac... maybe his. [On Johnny Delfredo.] Spalding Gray : Renee is going, "Don't deal with this man anymore. Give up right away. I don't like the way he sounds. I don't trust him. He sounds like my father." Spalding Gray : I felt someone owned the house before me, now I owned it, and someone would own it after me... I hoped. Spalding Gray : This is the Reader's Digest of Tibetan Buddhism. [reading from Buddha's last words] Spalding Gray : And he says, "All things are perishable. Anything that comes together must eventually come apart." I've got a Buddhist house. Spalding Gray : I had been to see him when he had an ashram there in the sexiest sounding town in India -- Poona. Spalding Gray : Be neutral. Take it from the heart. Take it from the neutral heart. [On catching rabies from dead animals in a well.] Spalding Gray : Now, Mr. Gray, don't you think life is too short to be worried about catching rabies... from a well? [slaps himself] Spalding Gray : ALMOST. Movie Title: Gray's Anatomy (1996) as Spalding Gray: Spalding Gray : Here it is, a Scot and a Jew haggling it out in the backyard of the synagogue. Spalding Gray : Doubt is my bottom line. The only thing I don't doubt is my own doubt. Movie Title: Swimming to Cambodia (1987) as Spalding Gray: Spalding Gray : So five years of bombing, a diet of bark, bugs, lizards and leaves up in the Cambodian jungles, an education in Paris environs in a strict Maoist doctrine with a touch of Rousseau, and other things that we will probably never know about in our lifetime. Including perhaps an invisible cloud of evil that circles the Earth and lands at random in places like Iran, Beirut, Germany, Cambodia, America, set the Khmer Rouge out to commit the worst auto-homeo genocide in modern history Spalding Gray : There's a saying that Thais are the nicest people money can buy. [On Cambodia's history and people] Spalding Gray : What a fantastic land it was, how it was Shangri-La before it was colonized... Thailand was a Nordic country compared to Cambodia, and they're right next to each other. And he said 90% of the land was owned by the people; it was earth, it was dirt, but it was THEIRS, and it was good. And-and they knew how to have a good time. They knew how to have a good time. They knew how to have a good time getting born, a good time growing up, a good time going through puberty, a good time falling in love, a good time staying in love, a good time getting married, a good time staying married, a good time having children, a good time raising children, a good time growing old, a good time dying... they even knew how to have a good time on NEW YEAR'S EVE! [stunned] Spalding Gray : I couldn't believe it! [Fantasizing about his Perfect Moment] Spalding Gray : Look! I had a vision of myself right now, as a kind of wandering bachelor Mendican poet, wandering all the way down the beaches of Malaysia, eating magic mushrooms all the way as I went until I reached Bali and evaporated in a state of ecstasy in the sunset. [sheepishly] Spalding Gray : But I wasn't telling Renee that. Spalding Gray : [as "Jack Daniels"] Waterproof, man? Waterproof? You ask why waterproof? I'll tell you why waterproof! When my ship sinks, in an ocean, any ocean, anywhere, I'm still chained down there in that waterproof chamber. I press that green button, it activates that rocket, it goes up out of its waterproof silo, up, up, up, UP! I get a fucking erection, man, every time I think about firing a rocket at those Russians! We're gonna win! We're gonna win! We're gonna WIN this fucking war! Boy, I like the Navy, man. I get to travel everywhere. I've been to India, been to Africa, been to Sweden. I fucking didn't like Africa, man. I don't know why. Black women just don't turn me on. Spalding Gray : [as "Jack Daniels"] The Russians are stupid people, they're backwards. You know on their ships, they don't even have electrical intercoms? They still speak through tubes? [as himself] Spalding Gray : Suddenly, I had this enormous fondness for the Russian navy, for all of Mother Russia. The thought of these men like innocent children speaking through empty toilet paper rolls, empty paper towel rolls, where you can still hear doubt, confusion, brotherly love, ambivalence, all those human tones, coming through the tube. Spalding Gray : No one in America knew anything about Lon Nol - the press didn't know anything about Lon Nol except "Lon Nol" spelled backwards spelled "Lon Nol"! [On "Jack" surviving a nuclear holocaust] Spalding Gray : I pictured him, actually, down under in Tasmania, starting a new small-eared, red-faced, pea-brained humanoid race after all of us have gone and I thought, "You know, the Mother needs a rest!" Mother Earth deserves a long, long rest with no people on her. Maybe, if we're lucky, after all of us have been vaporized, Jack will end up in Africa. [Spalding loudly knocks three times on his desk] [On America] Spalding Gray : I can't even look at a weather map anymore! It's too big! That's why I moved to Manhattan - I wanted to move to an island OFF THE COAST of America! [On his annoying upstairs neighbor] Spalding Gray : She plays her quadraphonic torture-box full blast above us. Every night it's Bob Dylan's "Sarah". Something must have happened to her way back then, and she relives... - I know it can be worse but every night, it's unbelievable, it's like you're in the room with her. If it was just 1:30 in the morning, fine, it'd be like feeding time, you could get through it but it's diabolical. It's 1:30, 6 in the morning, it's 2:10 in the morning, it's 3:15 in the morning, it's 4:11 in the morning. What do you do? You call the police, they come, she turns it down, they leave, she turns it up. They come, she turns it down, they leave, she turns it up! [On dealing with the annoying upstairs neighbor] Spalding Gray : Renee is not practicing Buddhist tolerance. She's walking up and down... she's got STEAM screaming out of her navel. And there are people say we should start a collection to hire a vigilante to off this woman, to kill her, and I find I'm not saying "no"? That's how New York has changed me? I'm willing to put money into the pot? [On dealing with the annoying upstairs neighbor] Spalding Gray : Renee? Renee's father was in the Jewish Mafia. She knows the language. She grew up in the streets of New York. She calls her up and goes, "BET YA WANNA DIE, RIGHT, BITCH? CUNT, I'LL BEAT YOUR FUCKING FACE IN WITH A BASEBALL BAT! BITCH! CUNT! DIE! DIE! DIE!" [Spalding slams the "phone" down hard] Spalding Gray : [sighing] Music goes louder. Renee figures the woman's a masochist and is getting off on the language. Spalding Gray : [on British filmmakers] "Will the artists please get on the helicopters." "Will the artists please jump off the cliff." "Will the artists please..." I mean, they will get you to do ANYTHING that way. Movie Title: Glory Daze (1996) as Jack's dad: Jack's dad : Send me a postcard from skid row. Movie Title: The Paper (1994) as Paul Bladden, New York Sentinel: Henry : I realize this doesn't exactly get us off on the right foot. Paul Bladden, New York Sentinel : The right foot, are you out of your mind? The offer is rescinded. How stupid do you think we are? What do you think I get when I put two and two together? Three? Three and a half? Henry : Look, I'm trying to be reasonable here, and just let me - Paul Bladden, New York Sentinel : Why don't you just take my wallet as well? Henry : Let me talk. Let me say something, wait a m - Paul Bladden, New York Sentinel : Well, I hope you're satisfied, asshole! You just blew your chance to cover the world! Henry : Really. Well guess fucking what? I don't really fucking care. You wanna know fucking why? Because I don't fucking live in the fucking world! I live in fucking New York City! So go fuck yourself! Janet, Henry's Secretary : You handled that well. Henry : Thank you. Paul Bladden, New York Sentinel : The Sedona item. you stole it right off my desk! Henry : Uh... Paul Bladden, New York Sentinel : Uh, uh, uh, my ass! Movie Title: Our Town (1989) as Stage Manager: Stage Manager : The day's running down like a tired clock. Emily : Do any human beings ever realize life while they live it?--every, every minute? Stage Manager : No. Saints and poets, maybe--they do some. |
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