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 David Jason Quotation"I've been fascinated by deep sea diving since watching Jacques Cousteau's TV programmes as a lad". "Marriage is like throwing yourself into a river when you only wanted a drink of water." "I've never ever 'felt my age', whatever that means. I think that there are a lot of people who feel 22 when in fact they're 62, and there are a lot of youngsters out there who behave as if they were four times their age. It's an attitude of mind, isn't it?" "I've done my fair share of waiting on tables in restaurants, cleaning cars, whatever. I was even an electrician at one time, and I've done my fair bit of decorating, too. But slowly my fortunes changed." "It was a long time before TV wanted me - I would have had to commit murder to get a part on the box at one time." "Perhaps being a character actor on radio was, in retrospect, the best training I could get." Movie Title: Porridge (1973) as Blanco: Fletch : Put the word about that I am incommunicado. Blanco : You're in the where? Fletch : I do not wish to be disturbed! Fletch : Didn't one governor let you grow grapes? Blanco : Aye, that's right - they were over there. I'd read all about them and I knew I could grow grapes. Bloomin' marvel, they were. Course they made me pack it in. Fletch : How come? Blanco : Grapes make wine, don't they? Fletch : Oh, really? I always used potato peelings and anti-freeze myself! Blanco : We managed to put down a dozen bottles before they tumbled us. Fletch : Good drop was it? Blanco : Well, in the wine stakes, I don't suppose it were a classic, but to a man who hadn't had a drink in eleven years, Chateau Slade was the finest drop in the land . . . Movie Title: Open All Hours (1973) as Granville: Granville : [exasperated at Arkwright's tight-fistedness] You're not going to live forever you know. Arkwright : I'm goin' to have a d-damn good try, aren't you? Movie Title: A Touch of Frost (1992) as Frost: [Contractors' signs outside derelict houses] Frost : "Gas off". "Water off". "Electricity off". All that's missing is "Sod off"! [To WPC Holland, a new recruit] Frost : Were you *born* cold-blooded? Or is there some sort of transfusion you can get on the NHS these days? Frost : Yeah, well, I just wish Horn-rimmed Harry would be a little more choosy about his jargon. I mean anyone who spends all day with their pen stuck up their a-aah, there you are, sir! Desk Sgt.: Mr Mullet wants to see you as soon as you come in. Frost : I'll let you know when that is. Frost : I went to London once, to see the Queen. She was a bit smaller than I imagined, but as we both know size isn't everything. [Det. Sgt. Frank Nash has been given a message to phone his wife] Frost : Bit young to be married. Det. Sgt. Frank Nash : How old were you? Frost : I asked first. Twenty Four. Det. Sgt. Frank Nash : Same as me. Frost : Okay, lets drop it. Frost : I'd like to stay and talk, but I've got to be in church in ten minutes. Frost : Why don't you get a television like everyone else? [woman protesting she had nothing to do with her husband's death] Frost : I believe you. Or at least, I would have done had I not read the pathologist's report. Your husband suffered a severe blow to the back of the head, and according to the pathologist, he was unconscious *before* the fire started. So, apart from the imaginary Mr. Lawrence Tidyman, who else stood to gain by knocking your husband unconscious and leaving him to die in that fire? You think about it, Mrs. Compton! Supt. Mullett : One of these days you'll realize you need more than your well-known intuition in order to get results. Frost : I used more than my well-known intuition, sir, at least in one of the cases I did - I used my charm. [pause] Frost : It's a joke, sir, don't bother to work it out. [on Mullett's orders to catch graveyard vandals] Frost : I've only got three blokes who can barely stand up, let alone chase a box of black magic! Supt. Mullett : I've had a telephone call from the vicar of St. Paul's. He's very concerned about this outbreak of vandilism in the old churchyard. Frost : I'm not surprised, sir. It's a very grave business. Frost : No, it's not him. He's too stupid. Supt. Mullett : [on radio] Although it's only a matter of some three days since the girl's body was discovered in the church crypt, my officers have been working around the clock to bring the perpetrator of this appalling crime to justice, and I can assure your listeners that an arrest will be made very shortly. Frost : [listening at home] Oh, yeah? Frost : This is Detective Constable Webster, and he thinks gambling's a mug's game. Phyllis Bowman : Oh, yeah, well as you can see, I've really suffered. Frost : Yeah. Worst thing that could have happened to you, wasn't it, Phyllis? The old man having a heart attack and popping off like that. Phyllis Bowman : The medical profession was dumbfounded, and that was just the private sector. He had the body of a twenty-year-old. Frost : Mmm, a bit too often, by all accounts. Phyllis Bowman : You know the story, I've been robbed. Frost : Yeah, sad. Isn't that sad, Constable? Stella Massie : Oh, come now, Inspector! Twice in the past... Frost : Twice in the past, your son has been charged with reckless driving. And twice in the past, he's got away with it- Sorry, he's been proved not guilty. Stella Massie : He *was* not guilty. Frost : And if he's not guilty this time, I shall be the first one to give him a lollipop. Movie Title: Danger Mouse (1981) as Dangermouse / Narrator: [Dangermouse has crashed through a brick wall] Penfold : Oh, doesn't that hurt, Chief? Dangermouse : No, didn't feel a thing! [Dangermouse faints] [standing below the wall of Greenback's castle] Dangermouse : Um, hello? Excuse me? Can we have our ball back, please? I... [a fizzing bomb is dropped into his hand] Dangermouse : Oh, thanks very much! Penfold : D.M.! Look out! It's a bomb! Dangermouse : Hmm? Oh yes, I know it's a buh-buh-buh-buh, buh-buh-buh-buh, a b-, a b-, a bomb! [BOOM!] [repeated line] Dangermouse : Shush. [Penfold falls through the air; the scene freezes for the end of the episode] Narrator : Will it be Isaac Newton 1: Penfold nil? Tune in next time to find out! Movie Title: Only Fools and Horses (1981) as Del Boy: Boycie : Where d'you get those aces from? Del Boy : Same place you got those kings. I always knew you were cheating, Boycie. Boycie : Yeah, how? Del Boy : 'Cause that wasn't the hand that I dealt you. [after opening a box of "Life-size Inflatable Dolls" they purchased by accident] Del Boy : Bloody Hell! What have WE got ourselves into here? Rodney : Well this is your fault! You just go rushing into things and to Hell with the consequences! Del Boy : That's because I've got a High Profile! Rodney : Yeah! High profile and low forehead! Uncle Albert : Now. Where's my bottle of wine? Del Boy : Blimey. Captain Birds Eye's here in all. Del Boy : Are you saying I'm stupid? Rodney : Either that or it's the Chinese year of the dodo. Del Boy : I see ICI dropped a point. Rodney : Yeah. Chelsea dropped three on Saturday [about making a film called "There's a Rhino loose in the city"] Del Boy : It's a love story and a who done it! Rodney : Everyone knows who done it! There's 30 dead people with Rhino tramps all over them, there's a lock up with 2 foot pile of Rhino dung and Charlton Heston suspects the butler! Uncle Albert : Keep the noise down will yer, I can hardly hear this! Del Boy : Shut up you saucy old git. Rodney : Well, even if you could hear it, you couldn't understand it, could you, it's in Indian! Uncle Albert : In 1959 I was in Bombay! Del Boy : You carry on much longer by tomorrow afternoon you could be in traction. Uncle Albert : But I like this kind of music! Del Boy : Ah! Oh yeah, look at that Rodney. It's one of his favourites that is. That's that good old fashioned sing-along number, Knees Up Mother Patel. Trigger : What you up to Dave? Rodney : I'm listening to Mozart's Concerto No.5 in D-Minor. Trigger : No words to this song Dave? Rodney : No Trigger, it's an instrumental. Del Boy : All right Trigger? What you doing? Trigger : I'm listening to Mozart's Concerto No.5 in D-Minor. Del Boy : Okay. Trigger : It's the karaoke version. Del Boy : Don't worry, Rodney. This time next year, we'll be millionaires! Rodney : This time last WEEK we were millionaires! Rodney : I could do with another blanket here, I'm freezing. Del Boy : Yeah it is a bit cold. Uncle Albert : Cold? You bits of kids don't know the meaning of the word. You should have been with me on the Russian convoys. One night it was so cold the flame on my lighter froze. Del Boy : There's no point in running away. Running away only wears out your shoes. Movie Title: A Bit of a Do (1989) as Ted Simcock: Rita Simcock : How would you like it if you were described as an ex-company-director, five foot nine, with greying black hair, bloodshot eyes, vital statistics 29-36-5-31! Ted Simcock : What's the five? Rita Simcock : What do you think? Ted Simcock : Rita! I mean... that's extremely personal and very insulting... and inaccurate. I mean... really! |
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