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 Michael Showalter QuotationMovie Title: Stella Shorts 1998-2002 (2002) as Michael Showalter: Michael Showalter : Hey Mike... is that your final answer? David Wain : Suddenly I'm here with Regis! Right there! Michael Ian Black: Hey hey hey... I'd like to use a lifeline. Michael Showalter : Hey hey hey... don't do that. Wouldn't be prudent. Michael Ian Black: That was great, we should use that for STELLA. Michael Showalter : (turns to camera)We Just did. Angel: I come to spread peace. Michael Showalter : Yeah, well how bout you spread that angel ass and let me get up on there. Michael Showalter : So, how was the assfucking? Michael Ian Black: I thought it really hurt. She cut me right in half. David Wain : Hey, Mike! If you need us, we're gonna be in the bedroom makin' stains. Girl #2: Oh my God! He's gonna off himself! Michael Ian Black: Michael, this is a really bad time for this! Michael Showalter : Well I'm sorry. David Wain : Sorry's not good enough dickweed! These girls, they want us to put it in their butt. Michael Showalter : Fine, I'll make the coffee. Michael Showalter : I'm really happy for you all. I just wish my day was as good as yours. Michael Ian Black: Well that's your problem. Fuck you! [Repeated Lines] David Wain : Sorry, Mike. I didn't mean to hit you. Michael Showalter : I don't even wanna hear it, David. (Michael proceeds to savagely beat David with everyone else joining in) Michael Showalter : Wait! You can't burn a baby! David Wain : Haven't you heard of Vietnam? All we did over there was burn babies. Now come on, give me a hand. Michael Showalter : I guess you're right. Movie Title: Wet Hot American Summer (2001) as Alan Shemper / Coop: Alan Shemper : I went to sleepaway camp so long ago, that it was the Stone Age. No, but seriously, it wasn't the stone age... it was the Ice Age! No, really, it was the Stone Age. Alan Shemper : When I was at camp, my favorite activity was always arts and crafts. Or, as we used to call it: arts and *farts* and crafts. We used to make drawings... cave drawings! Which is my way of saying we were cave men. I went to camp so long ago, that I can remember saying "sticks and stones may break my bones" and meaning it! I went to camp so long ago that fucking Jesus Christ was my counselor! And my best friend hadn't fully evolved yet! His name was Ug and he walked on all fours! There were two epidemics when I went to camp: head lice, and the plague - the Bubonic plague! [Coop is sobbing, Gene appears from nowhere] Gene : Be proud of who you are. Coop : Huh? Gene? Gene : Shh... it isn't about the girl, Coop. Coop : It isn't? Gene : Well, it is. But see if you can follow me here... it [long pause] Gene : ... isn't. Coop : Oh. So it is... and it isn't. [pause, wind blows] Gene : You are ready to be taught the new way. Coop : Will you teach me about this - what is it? A new way? [bird calls] Coop : I want you inside me! Katie : What did you say? Coop : I'll see ya later... Movie Title: Signs (2002) as Lionel Prichard: SFC Cunningham : You didn't used to play baseball did ya? Shit, I know you. You're Merrill Hess! I was there the day you hit that 507-footer over the left field wall, set the record. Man, that thing had a motor on it. It's still the record right? Merrill : Got the bat at home on the wall. SFC Cunningham : You've got two minor league home-run records, don't ya? Merrill : Five. SFC Cunningham : Why weren't you in the pros making stacks of cash and getting your toes licked by beautiful women? Lionel Prichard : 'Cause he has another record most people don't know about. He has the minor league strikeout record. Merrill : Hello Lionel. Lionel Prichard : Merrill's a class-A screw up. He would just swing that bat as hard as he could every time. Didn't matter what the coaches said, didn't matter who was on base. He would just whip that bat through the air as hard as he could. Looked like a lumberjack chopping down a tree. Merrill here has more strikeouts than any two players. SFC Cunningham : You really got the strikeout record? Merrill : Felt wrong not to swing. |
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