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 Zoe Wanamaker QuotationMovie Title: Wilde (1997) as Ada: Ada : You really must be careful, you're in great danger of becoming rich. Movie Title: My Family (2000) as Susan: Susan : I have decided to put an end to this madness that is ruining all our lives. Michael : You're going to kill dad? Ben : So this is where it begins. Holiday Hell. Susan : What is the matter with you? Ben : I don't know, Susan. Maybe it was the five year-old who kicked my seat all the way from Gatwick. Or perhaps it was the rude, aggressive taxi driver who grossly overcharged us for a series of hair-raising, death-defying experiences. Oh, no. I know. I know what it was. Of course. It was the airline. (Angrily) They've lost my suitcase. Ben : [Talking about Nick] Where did we get him? Susan : I don't know. I was sleeping. Susan : Well, this is it. We're officially on holiday. Nick : [Jumps on the sofa] Great to finally have the chance to relax and unwind for a change. Ben : For a change? You? You're always on holiday. A holiday for you would be getting a job. I'm surprised the travel agents don't print brochures of you. I'm surprised they don't call you Nick Holiday. Nick : All right, father. You made your point. Susan : I don't think I can see a way through this. Ben : Well, you can always leave a trail of breadcrumbs. Susan : Not the trees. Janey. How can we help her if she doesn't tell us anything? She's like Alcatraz - rocky, distant... Ben : ...full of men. Susan : I know you're trying to help, but shut up. Susan : This is the worst holiday we have ever been on. Ben : There was one consolation; I was right. Susan : [About Janey] How pregnant do you think she is? Ben : Completely. Susan : For God's sakes, Ben. Don't be flippant. Our daughter is pregnant at 19. Ben : Where I come from, she'd be called a late starter. Susan : There's no time for that. I've hired you a costume for tonight. Ben : I am not wearing a costume. Susan : Oh, but it's a really, really good one. Ben : It better be a warm one, 'cos when I put it on, it'll be a cold day in hell. Susan : How's gran doing? Michael : I think she's getting better. She hit Abi and she called me virgin boy. Ben : What are you doing? Susan : Choosing some wool. Ben : Good. What for? Susan : I'm making a cardigan for Janey's baby. Ben : Oh, good. Hang on, you can't knit. Susan : Are you saying I'll make a bad grandmother? Ben : No, I'm saying you'll make a bad cardigan. Ben : How did a day of TLC suddenly turn into a weekend of DIY? Susan : PMT. Ben : Why is it no one in this family wants to be with me? Susan : I want to be with you. Ben : You're my wife. You've no choice. Ben : Wait. Maybe I am dead and nothing I do affects the physical world. Susan : That explains Thursday night. Ben : I wasn't dead then, Susan. I was just tired. Susan : Whatever. Susan : What are you gonna do with that? Nick : [Holding a hammer] Break into my piggy bank. Susan : How conventional. From you, I'd expected a ski mask and a getaway car. Susan : (After finding Michael kissing Fiona) Don't be a smart-arse, Michael. You've got to learn to take responsibility for your actions. Michael : How can I if you barge in before we get to any action? Susan : And you know I don't allow eating in bed. Nick : I bet you don't say that to Dad. Susan : You know, one day mummy and daddy will be old. Michael : Hmm, you're already old. Susan : I mean older. Michael : How much older can you get? Susan : The point is there may come a time when I need to be taken care of by my children and I just want you to be prepared to accept your responsibilities. Michael : You mean "switch off the machine". Susan : Don't you understand that our marriage is based on a lie? Ben : How dare you say that. Our marriage is based on many lies. Susan : Oh, Ben Ben : Hmm? Susan : I'd like nothing more than to have you rip this lingerie off me with your teeth... Ben : [Moaning with sexual ecstasy] Oh, yeah, yeah. Susan : ...and feel your hands caressing my body... Ben : Oh, god, yeah. Susan : ...as we melt into each other's arms... Ben : Oh, god, yeah. Susan : ...in an uncontrollable fit of passion... Ben : Oh, yeah, yeah. Susan : ...but I can't. Ben : No, ok. [Michael breaks the living room window with a bazooka] Susan : What the hell has happened? Michael : Erm... if I said 'nothing', would you believe me? Susan : Michael. Michael : All right, all right. It was for my science project... on organic foods. Susan : You fired a rocket through a window? Michael : Come on, mum. Do you think I'd be so stupid as to fire a rocket through our living room window? It was a sausage. Susan : Michael, you could have killed someone. Michael : It was an organic sausage. Susan : That's it. You're grounded until further notice. Michael : Grounded? Susan : Don't you realize you could've taken somebody's eye out. Michael : Oh, please. It'd exploded before it hit anything. Susan : [Thinks] Did Nick put you up to this? Michael : Actually, it was part of our new high-speed food delivery service. [Abi runs into the house] Abi : You're not gonna believe this. I was just getting off the bus, and it started raining sausage. I've prayed for this day. Michael : See? Our first satisfied customer. Susan : So, Janey. What have you been up to? [Janey shows her parents that she's pregnant] Ben : I think that answers that question. [Talking about Nick's first day as a tour guide] Susan : In fact, it went so well that I... sent Nick off by himself. Ben : You sent Nick off by himself. Course you did. Susan : All right, I lost him. Ben : You see, I told you but you wouldn't listen. Susan : It's early days. He needs love, care, tenderness. Nick : Hi mum. Susan : WHERE THE BLOODY HELL HAVE YOU BEEN? All right, so you got lost. Did you have to take my entire tour group with you? Where's your umbrella? Nick : I think I left it at the police station. Susan : And your name badge? Nick : Probably still in casualty. Susan : What about your clipboard? Nick : A baboon ran off with it. Susan : Oh well, at least you took them to the zoo. Nick : No. Susan : Ben, you promised to fix that toilet. Ben : I did. Susan : When did you fix it? Ben : I didn't. I said I did promise to fix it. [Susan is running Nick through a tour-guide lesson] Susan : All you have to do is stick close to me, do exactly as I do, and if you're unsure of anything... Nick : I'll just wing it! Susan : No, no, just ask. Now, here's your umbrella. This is your staff of office. Your... tour-guide sceptre if you like. Nick : Actually mum, I do have a question; if Buzz Lightyear doesn't know he's a toy, why doesn't he speak when humans are around? Susan : What? Nick : You said to ask if I wasn't sure of anything. [Discussing Nick's plan to form a motorcycle stunt display team] Ben : It's a fad. Susan : What if it's not? What if it's a career move? Ben : Then he'll have a career. [Janey has left for university, Susan's feeling lonely] Susan : The house is full of men doing their men things. Michael with his computers, Nick with his Action Man repair business. Ben : You're a bit behind the times, he's a magician now. Susan : Oh no. Well you never know, he might be good at it. Ben : He certainly made 20 years of our lives disappear. Susan : Give Nick a job and I think you'll be surprised. Ben : I'll be surprised, I'll be surprised, there'll be bats flying out of my arse. [Susan's doing the laundry, emptying the pockets of a pair of Nick's trousers] Susan : No wonder they call these combat trousers, it's like Apocalypse Now in here. [Nick has just announced his intention to form a motorcycle stunt display team] Susan : Nick, who is in this motorcycle display team? Nick : Just me at the moment. Oh, and Spike. Susan : Not blind Spike? Nick : I keep telling you mum, he's not blind. He's partially sighted. Ben : So your team, your team consists of you and Spike. Nick : Don't forget Rover. Susan : Who's Rover? Nick : Spike's dog. Susan : I was tidying Michael's room and I found this [coughs] Susan : his desk. Ben : Was that [coughs] Ben : on his desk or [coughs] Ben : in his desk? Susan : Is there a difference? Ben : In a court of law, yes. One's invasion of privacy the other's being sneaky. Susan : Well, what you call sneaky I call being a parent. [Susan is writing a letter to Janey] Ben : She never writes to me. Susan : Well you never write to her. Ben : I do. I wrote to her yesterday. I sent her a parental haiku. "Enclosed is cheque, you bleed me dry, stop it." Susan : Anyway, when I asked, the man said he would deliver your suitcase to you as soon as possible. Ben : Susan, the man didn't understand a word you were saying. Susan : That's why I spoke to him in Spanish. Ben : I meant when you spoke to him in Spanish. Nick : Hey, look! They've got washing powder here, only it's called "Fairy"! [laughs] Nick : Those crazy guys! Susan : Nick, we have Fairy in England. Nick : No, we don't. Ben : Yes, we do! Nick : We don't! Susan : Why would we lie to you about something like that? Nick : I dunno. For attention? Susan : Let it go. Ben : I can't. Susan : What exactly is it that's bothering you? Ben : She's my little girl. Susan : Oh now she's your little girl. Wasn't it yesterday she was that airheaded shopping machine from hell? Ben : I can't help being multi-layered. Susan : Do you want to tell the boys dinner's ready? Janey : That's right, make me the bringer of bad news. Ben : [after a passionate kiss with Susan] Oh my God. Susan : What's the matter? Ben : That molar. Upper right five. Susan : What about it? Ben : The cracked filling, you've had it repaired. Susan : You don't think I'm a control freak, do you? Ben : No. More of a control... enthusiast. Susan : Control freak? All I care about is the happiness of my children. Janey : Does that mean I can have a tattoo? Susan : No. Janey : Please? Dad? Ben : Only if it says "Daddy's little sunbeam". Susan : What's got you so worked up? Ben : Michael. Michael. He called me a failed doctor. Susan : That's nothing, he called me a control freak. Ben : That's different, you are a control freak. Susan : I AM NOT! Ben : You stopped me going to medical school because you said becoming a dentist was quicker and I'd get more money. Ben : Where's the receipt for the new x-ray machine? Susan : In the file marked receipts under the letter 'X'. Ben : You've been tidying up again. Susan : Oh thank you Susan for saving me so much time and trouble. Ben : When I put things under the tortoise, I expect to find them under the tortoise. Tidying up is just a way of controlling things, isn't it. Susan : If you had been a more organized person, maybe you could have been a doctor by now. Ben : If you'd have been five inches taller, blond, with long legs you could have been a doctor's wife by now. Susan : [showing Ben a letter she found in Michael's room] It's addressed to Mr and Mrs Harper and he's hidden it from us. What does that tell you? Ben : That he doesn't want us to find it. Janey : He started telling me a story. Susan : What kind of story? Janey : The story about the kitten who didn't floss. Susan : The kitten who didn't floss? Ben : Yeah, the kitten who didn't floss and then it got loads of cavities. Good story. Janey : Yeah, it's a children's story. Mel thinks I'm a child so he's just like you, dad. Makes me want to throw up. Ben : What? No school today? Janey : I've got the dentist. Ben : Oh. Hang on a minute, I'm a dentist. I don't remember booking you in unless the prospect was so awful I screened it out. Susan : I booked her into another dentist. Ben : You did what? Susan : Janey's had an appointment with you for six months now and you keep fobbing her off. Ben : I don't keep fobbing her off, I keep fobbing her forward. Susan : Well, whatever it is if you wait much longer she'll be able to take her teeth out and post them to you. Ben : Susan, paying patients come first. Susan : That's right, your family always comes second. Ben : Against football, cricket and golf that's not bad going. Where'd you find this dentist? On a card in a phone box? Susan : Yellow pages. Ben : Oh, yellow pages! They don't take just anyone in yellow pages. Janey : Oh calm down dad, one dentist is pretty much like another. Ben : THEY MOST CERTAINLY ARE NOT! Janey : No, you're right. Because some dentists aren't rude, grumpy and think an effective painkiller is shouting, "Shut up!" Ben : It is effective. Makes me feel better. |
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