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 Ken Jenkins QuotationMovie Title: Scrubs (2001) as Dr. Kelso / Kelso / Dr. Kelso [: Dr. Cox : They hate you Bob. They hate from the bottom of your hooves to the top of your pitchfork. They hate you. By God, they hate you good. Dr. Kelso : [threateningly, to Nurse Roberts, who is chuckling] What is so funny? Nurse Roberts : Oh just the hooves and pitchfork part. [much more threateningly] Nurse Roberts : Why? Dr. Kelso : [Frightened] Uh, no reason. Dr. Kelso : Dr. Dorian, I owe you an apology; obviously I was unclear when I said, "Stay in the MRI room with that patient" It must have sounded like, "Leave. and do other things." Dr. Kelso : She likes to joke that I choked the last breath of life out of her long ago, and now she's just a shell of a woman, I think that's so cute... I called her Shelley. You know, when I call her that, sometimes she laughs so hard she cries. Dr. Kelso : Perry. Dr. Cox : Beelzebub. Dr. Cox : Hey, newbie. What's up? J.D. : Everything. Everything's up. Dr. Kelso : Rise and shine, Dr. Dorian. [J.D. gulps] Todd : Hey, how's your penis? [continues walking] J.D. : [thinking] Don't worry, he says that to everybody. [stops and waits] Todd : [to another doctor] Hey, how's your penis? J.D. : Dr. Kelso. The doc here has been telling me that you have some great stories. I wouldn't mind hearing one sometime. Dr. Kelso : Oh what the hell. Back in '68 I don't like you. The end. Dr. Kelso : Uhh, Perry, I just spoke to my cardiologist and he said if you hadn't discovered my high blood pressure, it may have resulted in my case of, um, death. Dr. Cox : Huh? Dr. Kelso : Thanks, I owe you one. Dr. Cox : [voice-over] MUST RESIST URGE TO RUB IT IN HIS FACE... MUST RUB SOMETHING IN SOMEONE'S FACE. [turns to an unconscious patient] Dr. Cox : So how's that coma going for ya there? [voiceover] Dr. Cox : ahhh much better! Dr. Kelso : Dr. Cox, did you get my memo stating that residents should wear their lab coats at all times? Dr. Cox : Yes I did. At first I just threw it away, but then I thought, that's not grand enough a gesture; so I made a model of you out of straw, put my lab coat on it - with your memo in the pocket - and invited the neighborhood kids to set fire to it and beat it with sticks. Chris Turk : Don't you think that's a little sexist, sir? Dr. Kelso [ : I don't know. Is it sexist to hold the door for a woman? Is it sexist to keep the attractive nurses and let go of a few ugos? The rules are changing so fast I just can't keep up. Dr. Kelso : Hey Ace, your TTP patient coded, I pronounced it. JD: He died? Dr Kelso: I certainly hope so otherwise that autopsy is going to be a bitch. Dr. Kelso : Hey, guess what has two thumbs and doesn't give a crap? [Points at his face with his thumbs] Dr. Kelso : Bob Kelso! I think we've met... [About Dr. Cox] Dr. Kelso : And I'll be damned if he doesn't disagree with everything I say just because I said it. J.D. : Sir, I don't think that's true. [Kelso turns over] Dr. Kelso : It's hotter than hell in here, Perry! Dr. Cox : Freezing! Dr. Kelso : Great coffee, though! Dr. Cox : Rat piss! Dr. Kelso : Dr. Murphy here is an incompetent suck-up! Dr. Cox : No, Bob, in fact he's one of the finest young doctors I ever had the good fortune of working with. Dr. Kelso : [to J.D] Your witness. JD: [voiceover] I knew Dr. Casey now pretty well, everyday, he goes to his first patient's room and touches every single thing in there... Dr. Casey: [touching things] Bink, Bink, Bink, Bink, Bink... Dr. Kelso : Dr. Casey, your patients are complaining about a noise in your wing. Dr. Casey: [pokes Dr. Kelso on the nose] Bink. Dr. Kelso : Dr. CASEY! Your patients! Dr. Casey: If the noise is bink then I can explain... Dr. Kelso : IT'S NOT BINK! [standing up for Carla] Dr. Turk : Dr. Kelso, how is it that you had an ambulance take you to your dinner reservation last night just so you didn't lose it? Dr. Kelso : How do you know that? Dr. Turk : Because I'm the "homeboy" you screamed at to get my "ghetto-mobile" of the road. Dr. Kelso : Son, do you think I got to be Chief of Medicine by being late? Dr. Cox : Noooo, Bobbo, you got there by backstabbing and ass-kissing. Dr. Kelso : Maybe so, but I started those things properly at eight! Kelso : (to Dr. Cox) I'm going to tell you the same thing I told the comedian at that strip joint in Reno... I'm not here for the jokes. Dr. Kelso : [drunk at Turk and Carlas wedding reception] Ahh, Dr. Turkleton! Chris Turk : Actually, sir, it's Turk. Dr. Kelso : That's your first name! Chris Turk : You think my name is Turk Turkleton? Dr. Kelso : [to Carla] ... and Mrs. Turkleton! The Turkletons! Hehehe... [to bartender] Dr. Kelso : Give me a scotch. Dr. Kelso : I am considering offering full body scans here at Sacred Hearts. What do you think? Dr. Cox : I think showing perfectly healthy people every harmless imperfection in their body just to scare them into taking an invasive and often pointless test is an... unholy sin! Dr. Kelso : Yeah, sounds a little sketchy ethically. Movie Title: Air America (1990) as Lemond / Major Lemond: Senator Davenport : ...and unless my eyes deceive me- Major Lemond : [clearly fed up] Oh they probably do!! Senator Davenport : Look here pal, I know you're a highly decorated veteran but- Major Lemond : Senator! Kiss my 'highly decorated' ass! Nino: STOP! No more breakings, General. You understand? Now I tell you something. I talk to Versailles. I talk to New York. They say 'opium no so good this year.' They say 'heroine been cut with baking powder.' So who fucking who, hey General? No No. I no gonna pay you same same you give me shit! Major Lemond : Nino! [Major Lemond walks into the kitchen] Major Lemond : Listen to me, okay? Nino, you pay same same, or you will never use any of my airplanes again. Nino: Okay. Okay. Pay same same. Rob : I have to have coffee with Davenport tomorrow, what should I do then? I'll tell you what, I'll take him to the White Rose, I'll get him blown... Lemond : No! Davenport runs the Senate prayer group. With a guy like that you don't bring up the subject of blow jobs. You wait for him to bring it up. Movie Title: By Dawn's Early Light (1990) as Sam: [Alice has just refused an order from the acting president] Sam : They'll shoot you for this general. Alice : Sam, old friend, I should find such an angel of mercy. |
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