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 Dave Willis QuotationMovie Title: Aqua Teen Hunger Force (2000) as Carl / Inignot / Meatwad: Carl : I'm gonna give this rainbow thing another five minutes... and if it don't show up, I'm going down to the store and I'm buyin' a Hot Rod magazine. Inignot : You and your third dimension. Frylock : What about it? Inignot : Oh, nothing, it's cute. We have five. [pause] Err : Thousand. Inignot : Yes, five thousand. Err : Don't question it. Frylock : Oh, yeah? Well, I only see two. Inignot : Well, that sounds like a personal problem. Master Shake : Good morning Carl. How's it goin? Carl : Hello there Mr. Food Monster Man. This is how it's goin. Look at my freakin' car. It is crushed, to Bejeesus and back. Master Shake : [stares at wrecked car] Have you gotten any estimates? Meatwad : Master Shake told me to go in the freezer, because there was a carnival in there. There was no carnival, it was a damn freezer. I got freezer burn, and I got mushed up against that chicken. Inignot : Hello, Carl, I am Inignot and this is Err. Err : I am Err. Inignot : We are Mooninites from the inner core of the moon. Err : You said it right. Inignot : Our race is hundred of years beyond yours. Err : Man, you hear what he's saying? Inignot : Some would say that the Earth is our moon. Err : We're the moon. Inignot : But that would belittle the name of our moon, which is: The Moon. Err : Point is: we're at the center, not you. Carl : No, the real point is: I don't give a damn. Inignot : This pornography is infinitely excellent. Inignot : Our god is a god of vengeance. A god of hate. Err : A god of action. Inignot : Our god is an Indian who can turn into a wolf and... Err : Dude, that's Wolfen. Inignot : Yes, well Wolfen will come after you, with his razor. Frylock : He needs his brain or else he's just going to float around saying 'do what now.' Meatwad : Do what now? Meatwad : Where's my whiskey? I'm 'bout to get tore up! Inignot : We shall acquire some whiskey on the way to the mall. Err : And then you can get tore up. Inignot : And pass out in the hot sun. Meatwad : Them's my boys! Meatwad : You don't need a machine to make a rainbow for rainbows are made of happy thoughts and dreams and chocolate unicorns and gumdrops and licorice sunsets and fuzzy gum drops bears and chocolate covered chocolate gumdrop land... Carl : What happened to my freakin' car? Meatwad : Take the meatbridge. It's right here. Meatwad : Wait a second, this ain't no brain... this a damn bee's nest. Carl : Yeah, well, I noticed this long cord comin' from my house, then I noticed YOUR house, glowin' like the freakin' SUN. So I put two and two together and decided - you're pissin' me off. Inignot : Your roommate is a nerd. Err : Yes, on the moon nerds get their pants pulled down and they are spanked with moon rocks. Inignot : Pick up that stereo and sink it deep within your body. Meatwad : But then that would be stealing. Err : Not if you need it, and you need it. [looking at porn] Err : Oh man, you gotta check this out. Meatwad : Oh yeah baby, that's a neat car she's washing. You think that's a straight 6? Err : I think I have a straight 6. Inignot : Ooooo. Err, your sexual innuendo is priceless. Robot : Well, this is going to take a long time, so you may want to get some snacks. Frylock : No, no, that's all right. I think I can wait for it. Shake : Well, I'M going to get food. Robot : THOUSANDS OF YEARS AGO, before the dawn of man as we knew him, there was Sir Santa of Claus, an ape-like creature making crude and pointless toys out of dinobones and his own waste, hurling them at chimp-like creatures with crinkled hands regardless of how they behaved the previous year. These so-called "toys" were buried as witches, and defecated upon, and hurled at predators when wakened by the searing grunts of children. It wasn't a holly jolly Christmas that year. For many were killed. Frylock : Well, that still doesn't tell me why you... Robot : I'm not finished. YOU should have gotten a snack. A war-like race of elves from the Red Planet landed on the ice-encased Earth, and they were immediately enslaved by the unevolved Santa Ape to make his confused toys using galactic elfin technology. Toys were made into recognizable shapes and given names like "train," but these toys were also thrown at predators and defecated upon because they were so stupid. Christmas still sucked, in a big way. Meatwad : Boy, this IS a long story. Maybe I WILL get something to eat. Carl : Yeah, I think I'm gonna get drunk while I listen. Frylock : What happened to Meatwad? Err : He got busted man. Inignot : For drinking and stealing and smoking in a non-smoking area. Meatwad : I hear the sounds of wings on the roof. It's the Tooth Fairy. Master Shake : What, is she coming for your one tooth? She won't, since I'm gonna kick it outta your head while you're asleep. Meatwad : [starts crying] Meatwad : I don't have any real dolls, I prefer to use my infinite imagination... cause I ain't got no damn money. Meatwad : Yeah, that'd be fun... if I was stupid. Carl : I don't need no instructions to know how to rock. Inignot : On the moon, the weekend has advanced beyond your wildest dreams. Weekends now take up the entire week, and jobs have been phased out accordingly. Err : We get checks from the government. And we use them to buy beer. [Carl and Shake have ordered a mail-order bride] Carl : Oh man, I cannot wait. I got the oils, the candles, the works. When does that babe get here? Master Shake : Carl, don't refer to her as a babe, please. She is a Chechnyan prostitute and you will refer to her as such. Frylock : Where do you think our TVs come from? Master Shake : Jesus? Meatwad : No. It's Santa Clause. Master Shake : It's the same thing. Meatwad : No, it ain't. And I should know. I'm Jewish. [pause] Meatwad : From this day forward. Meatwad : Hey you guys, did you say that it would be easy to get whatever I want, like a ten speed, because that's what I really want. Inignot : Getting it is easy. Filling it with illegal substances and sending it across the border is not. Err : Yeah, see, those dogs, they can smell ANYTHING. So you gotta kick 'em in the throat. Meatwad : Well hey now, guys, look. I do not want to do anything illegal here... but I would kill somebody... in front of their own mama... to get a ten speed. And if any witnesses testify against me, I'll gouge their eyes out. [after faking fighting off Tar-Monsters] Glass-Bottom Boat Captain: It's okay folks, we're safe. I scared them away with my nudity. [pause] Glass-Bottom Boat Captain: Does that arouse anyone down there. Meatwad : What does that mean? Frylock : It means we're getting off this boat right now. Meatwad : Hey, how do I know if I'm aroused? Inignot : Fryman, we are full of religion now. Everyone, please - bow your heads, and pretend to be serious. Inignot : You have offended us, and our God. And our God is a God of vengeance, and horror. Inignot : Come on, Meatman. Let's go break the law to fulfill your primitive needs. Meatwad : Well, I don't think so. Last time you were here you threw me at an old lady's mailbox and you made me moon Boy Scout Troop No. 324. Err : Ha ha, ha ha! We did! Inignot : Well... this time we won't. Meatwad : Okay, cool. Let me just get my keys. Inignot : The innocent shall suffer - big time. Meatwad : You know, Happy Time Harry, just being around you kinda makes me want to die. Meatwad : Go fart yourself. Meatwad : Fudge you, butthole. [Carl's head has been grafted to a new body] Carl : I don't remember being so old... and so black. Inignot : Where shall I drape this wet, primitive Earth towel? Carl : Hey guys! What are you doing in my house... without my permission? Inignot : We're here to steal your pornography, and sodomize our vast imaginations. Frylock : There are different kinds of music in the world, Meatwad. [hands Meatwad a collection of classical music CDs] Frylock : How about getting down with some REAL gangsters... from the fifteenth century? Meatwad : Bach-t? Beet-oven? I dunno. Are these guys down with the Pee-Pants? Frylock : Well, Meatwad. They wore pantaloons back in those days. Meatwad : Shoot, boy. You'd get killed wearing that in my hood. Frylock : Well I think you'll find these guys are pretty darn dope, if you know what I mean. Meatwad : Science is a mystery to man, isn't it Frylock? Frylock : Yeah. It sure is, Meatwad. Carl : Hey, buddy, how you doin'? Pizzaland, huh? Yeah, that's lots of fun. I just called to tell you that YOU BURNED MY FRICKIN' HOUSE DOWN! Master Shake : But the grass is gone? Look, Carl, that is the price of doing business. Frylock : [in bondage gear] Tell me I've been bad! Meatwad : ...Uh, yes, you... you've been acting up lately. Err : Ya all have any eggs? Shake : I don't know guys. Lemme check. Err : 'Cause I'm totally gonna mess someone's house up! Inignot : Yes, eggs or pot... Either one. Meatwad : Hey, a, Frylock, do we have any pot? Frylock : No, we don't! Marijuana is illegal. Err : What about Nitrous, man? Inignot : Shut up, Err. Inignot : [flipping the bird] I hope he can see this 'cause I'm doing it as hard as I can. Frylock : Carl, did you lose something behind the couch? Carl : Yeah I did! I lost peace and quiet! Frylock : Do you know how much water is used up every time you flush the toilet? Carl : I give. What? Frylock : Three gallons. Carl : Wow, what a waste. The poor children. Meatwad : Well, he ain't gonna poop in the yard. I mean, he'll go inside to do that. Frylock : Not if his door's locked. Meatwad : I just can't go, you know, with people watching. Master Shake : We don't need a toilet. The pile of clothes in the hallway has worked fine for us for years, and it will continue to work. Frylock : [after placing Carl's head on the machine] I give you the ultimate in military hardware! Complete with laser cannon, indestructible titanium exoskeleton, and motion activated plasma pulse rifles. Master Shake : And you're gonna plug him in? Frylock : You're right. Damn, what the hell was I thinking? Meatwad : Fudge. Frylock : That's not an F-bomb. Meatwad : Fudge you. Master Shake : [emerges from Carl's pool and gasps for breath] Twenty seconds! It's a new world record! Inignot : [emerges from Carl's pool] Twenty-three seconds. Err : That is the new moon record! Inignot : Then it shall be so. Err : Now and forever. Meatwad : [Meatwad rolls up to Carl dragging a bag behind him] Hey Carl! Carl : Oh great, you've seen me. Meatwad : Hey, you want to contribute to Sirloin's hunger drive? He goin to feed the shorties y'all. Carl : [Meatwad hands Carl the bag, Carl takes it] Yeah, let me see here. I think I got some, uh, oysters over here. Meatwad : [Carl proceeds to spit into the bag] Oh, thank you. Carl : And be sure to thank Sirloin for keeping me up all night. Meatwad : Yeah, I do that. Hey, I thought that oysters had shells? Carl : No, usually, but not these. They were, uh, farm raised... in my throat... with cheese. Hey uh, you want some crabs? Cause I got some of them. Meatwad : No... no my, my bag's pretty full right now. Carl : I don't know if they're Alaskan King, but they feel huge... Carl : Meat-man... ever since my son was... never born, because I've never had consensual sex without money involved... I've always kind of looked at you as... a thing, that I could live next to... in accordance with state laws. Master Shake : I'm not in the business of seeing whatever pleases you! Meatwad : Well I'm in business. [under his breath] Meatwad : Business of kicking your ass, and let me tell ya, business is booming. I'm open for business, business of giving you the business... up your butt. Meatwad : [Meatwad looks and sees Master Shake with a baseball bat] Did you hear me say that? Master Shake : Your looking to expand your business? Meatwad : [runs away] Business is closed! Shake : What the...? This closet used to be full of TVs! Meatwad : Cause you keep breaking them. Shake : Cause you keep pissing me off! Master Shake : Don't you touch those! They're in mint condition, and they're gonna stay that way! Meatwad : I'll touch 'em all the way to the trash can is what I'll do... Master Shake : You touch those and your G.I. Joes are gonna be M.I.A. my friend! and then who's gonna call Little Momma Joe, to tell her that her boy ain't coming home? Cause SOMEBODY was asleep on guard duty! Meatwad : Hey, should we get Shake? Cause he's gettin eaten by aphids. Frylock : Nah, he'll get a ride. Meatwad : Oh, no, the chains! From my dreams! Shake : Now why don't you go back in your house and shut up! [Carl's head explodes] Meatwad : Now why'd he do that? Shake : Why wouldn't he? Witch Doctor: Now, repeat after me. I Am... Carl , Frylock , Meatwad : I Am... Witch Doctor: Sofa King... Carl , Frylock , Meatwad : Sofa King... Witch Doctor: We Todd Ed. Carl , Frylock , Meatwad : We Todd Ed. Witch Doctor: Now say it again, faster. Carl , Frylock , Meatwad : I Am Sofa King We Todd Ed. Witch Doctor: Hahahaha! You said a very funny thing. Inignot : [the Mooninites have broken into Carl's house] We are here for your pornography. Err : So hand over those magazines! Carl : Oh, I got some magazines for ya all right. They're filled with hollow points! Inignot : Mooninites duplicate, reunite, and unihilate. Err : Lock in! [Mooninites create huge laser gun] Inignot : Was this in your plan? Err : I don't think it was! Inignot : Square the Quad-Laser and you have, behold: The Quad-Glaser. Err : I thought it was Glacier, man! Inignot : Yes, the Quad-Glacier... that's what I said. Err : Would you just hurry up and fire it, it's getting heavy! Inignot : You with all the great plans: you shall not see the next decade. You shall never know that turtlenecks will come back... in a big way. Err : [off-balance] Would you hurry up, I can't hold it up much longer, my legs are gonna... ow! Damn! Inignot : ...Fire! [A huge laser block is fired] Err : Why they call it the Glacier? Inignot : Do you want it done fast, Err, or do you want it done right? Err : I just want it done! Damn! My legs! Carl : [Carl, Meatwad and Frylock are holding hands in a séance] Hey, can we stop holdin' hands in Fairyland, here? [Meatwad is playing the "Insult Fighter" video game] Insult Opponent: Hey, man, you stole my wristwatch! Insult Fighter: You dumb, I already have a wristwatch. You dumb. Insult Announcer: Buuuuuurned! Meatwad : [laughs] Yeah! Burn! Insult Opponent: I saw you lookin' at it! Insult Fighter: [scoffs] Jo momma, you did! Insult Announcer: Classic comeback! Insult Fighter: Jo momma, jo momma, jo momma! [Opponent catches on fire] Insult Announcer: Incineration! Meatwad : Alright! Insult Announcer: You're the Insult Master! Carl : [in the middle of "washing" a car] You... you think we should take another pass at this? Cause I'm still seeing some paint here, and it's startin' to MOCK me! Meatwad : [concerning the fate of M.C. Peepants] Well, wherever he is... Master Shake : He's in Hell! Meatwad : Well, wherever THAT is... Master Shake : It's a fiery pit of unpleasantness in the center of the Earth... Meatwad : OK! Well wherever THAT is, and do not say anything... Meatwad : Someone hook me up with a flame, I'm having a nic fit! Inignot : Err, light him up. Frylock : Meatwad! Err : Here. Inignot : Encourage him in his habit. Err : That's a good smoker! Frylock : Hey Meatwad, how's that old Happy Time Harry? Happy Time Harry : Hey! Pipe down! Meatwad : Shhh. Quiet Frylock, he's still sleeping. Frylock : Well, Meatwad, it's four in the afternoon. Maybe you should get him up and go play outside or something. Meatwad : Nah... he, he said he's gonna spend the rest of the day figuring out how he's gonna pay his bills. Frylock : Awww, so he's got little doll bills, huh? That's cute. Happy Time Harry : Shut UP! Meatwad : Not really. He says it don't matter how hard you work, or how much you do, you're always gonna be in the hole. Sometimes, he says 'Get out of my face, and if you've got a problem with that, I'll cut you!' Carl : Hello Ladies, say hello to Goliath. We had to order special elastic pants for him on the internet. Frylock : [Carl's house has burned down and he's just gotten back from the hospital with a foot grafted to his head] Well, Carl, you can stay with us for now. Carl : [laying down in an antbed] Yeeaahh, thank you Daddy... Carl : [Carl wakes up with a body made entirely of eyeballs] Why do my knees feel like they wanna tear up? Meatwad : I thought you said TV was bad! Frylock : Oh, I know... But we fucking need it. Frylock : You know what tonight is? Carl : Yeah the night I'm downloading porn at 14 kilobytes a second! Carl : Ha! I'm just kidding. I got a cable modem back here. Frylock : You know what tonight is? Carl : Yeah the night I'm downloading porn at 14 kilobytes a second! Carl : Ha! I'm just kidding. I got a cable modem back here. Meatwad : Oh, here's another idea. Hell no. Carl : If you need anything, you know who to look to - someone else. Meatwad : Get your hellin' damnin' ass back in that bitchin' damn room, damn it! Meatwad : You should just give in and realize that we is dumb, dumb as hell. Carl : Come here, bitch! Stand and deliver! Carl : [out of breath] Yeah, I wrote that. It's called "I Wanna Rock Your Body", then in parantheses it says "Til The Break O' Dawn". I wanna rock your body, baby! |
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