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 Richard Karn Quotation(Commenting on the death of his mother, who succumbed to cancer in 1983): "I thought my parents were invincible. It never occurred to me she would die." Movie Title: Home Improvement (1991) as Al: [repeated line whenever Tim makes a smart comment on Tool Time] Al : I don't think so, Tim. Jill : That's not what you think, is it, Tim? Tim : It's not? Jill : No. Al : What DO you think? Tim : I don't know, ask her. Tim : Do you suppose that if this grass were on fire, it'd call Fescue 911? Al : I don't think so, Tim. Al : Do you think they call it Cajun cooking because you cook it in a cage? Tim : I don't think so, Al. Boy : [Tim is dressed as Nanastein, a creepy old woman] This is pathetic. You're in a dress, your son is a doll, and your wife is a radish. Jill : Hey, I'm a carrot. Learn your vegetables. Tim : Hey lighten up, don't ruin this for everybody else, okay? Boy : If you built this, it's all gonna fall apart anyway. I've seen your show. It ought to be called Fool Time. Tim : [after pause] You know, making fun of Nanastein's favorite show is not a good idea, son. Why don't you check out Nana's tool box. Boy : Oh ho, a tool box. I'm scared. What's gonna happen? Is a wrench gonna pop out and say, "Boo!" Tim : I don't know. Boy : [the tool box falls apart to reveal a bucket] Ooo ho ho, a bucket. I'm really scared. [lifts the bucket to find Al's head] Al : Grrr! Arrr! [boy screams in fright and runs] Al : This is my assistant, Tim "Doesn't know Gumbo from Dumbo" Taylor. Tim : Sure I do. Dumbo is a pachyderm and Gumbo is a little green guy who rides Pokey. [Tim is reluctant to make Al's mom jokes] Al : Oh, I see. That wasn't in the plans either. While this buzzer sends thousands of volts coursing through my body while he stands back and says, "Remember the AL-amo". Then comes the uncalled for slams against my mother. How she shops in the *husky* section. How she cleared out the all-you-can-eat buffet. Just go ahead say it, [shouting] Al : my mother is a big fat cow. Tim : [after pause] Goodness gracious, Al. Tim : Thank you, I am Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor and you all know my assistant, Al... Borland. Al : What's the matter, no stupid middle name? Is it my birthday? Tim : We don't always have to joke around, you know, this isn't Fool Time. Al : Merry Christmas. You know Christmas always reminds me of my childhood. I used to build a snowman every year. I used a carrot for its nose. Cookies for its eyes. Licorice for its smile. Tim : That's a great story, Al. Unfortunately, Al's Mom usually ate the snowman. Al : One year. She used the carrot to make coleslaw. Al : Didn't you study the manual at all? Tim : A real man doesn't need a manual. Tim : I'm driving. Al : [Dressed as Santa Claus] Now, Tim, it's against regulations to let an elf drive the sleigh. Al : Say, do you think they call it a nail gun because it shoots nails? Al : Speaking of staple guns, do you suppose that they call it a staple gun, because it shoots out staples? [Audience is silent] Tim : Yes I do, Al. Al : These are also useful if Superman wants to take a peek at your underwear. Tim : No problem there. I'm not wearing any. Tim : For men, there are two kinds of vegetables: your beans and your potatoes. I had my beans yesterday. Al : I know. Tim : We're going to introduce a new color today: the color Al. Al : I don't want to be a color, Tim. Tim : Neither did red and look how well he turned out. Al : It's The Tiki Hut Cookbook. Heidi : Do you like it? Al : I love this. Now I can make pu-pu at home. Tim : I'm no more valuable than Al. Al : I agree. Tim : On the job site, there's no difference between Al's tools and my tools. Al : Actually, Tim, there is: at the end of the job- [Tries to switch on Tim's soupled-up power sander] Al : My tools still work. Tim : [after unsuccessfully breaking a block of wood with his head] B-Binford Tools. Messages. We have 'em. Al : We'll be right back. Al : I remember my first Christmas rebellion: I was so mad. My parents went out and bought an artificial tree. The whole Christmas I refused to sing 'Oh, Tannenbaum'. Tim : Oh my. You were a bad, bad Borland. [to Jill] Tim : Are you all right? Al : Yeah I'm okay. It was a long time ago. Tim : [to Jill] I meant, are YOU okay? Al : I saw Mark in his costume. I always wanted to be the letter N. Tim : That's impossible, Al. The song specifically says No Al. [singing to the tune of Noel] Tim : No Al, No Al, No Al, No Al. Al : I'd better go before the Putt-Putt is shut-shut. Al : I'm part owner and she makes me feel like a stock boy. Dolores: Hey stocky boy, run across the street and get me some hot tea. Tim : Yeah, stocky boy. Remember how she likes it: two sugars and a big lump of arsenic. Tim : Oh no, we overslept. Al : I have to go. Tim : No, stick around awhile. Al : [Running outside] No, I mean I have to GO. Tim : We have a bathroom in the house, Al. Al : But first, I would like to get something off my chest. Tim : That tie? Al : Ah, I'm just a little bit cheesed here. The other day I was in the supermarket and I... I was in the frozen food section. And they had lima beans, 3 for a dollar. And I took four. And the lady at the check-out counter said, "Hey, can't you count?" Al : I take my work seriously and all you do is crack jokes. Tim : Crack jokes? Well the way you bend over like that... Al : See? Now that's what I'm talking about. Al : Anyone can do what you do. Tim : Oh really? You think you could do what I do? Al : Oh please. How hard could it be to tell bad jokes and screw up all the time? Tim : Alot harder than it looks. Tim : My pneumatic dry-wall stilts. Al : Pneumatic dry-wall stilts? Tim : Is there an echo in the building? Felix Mymnan: [Thanks to Tim, the water pipes are groaning loudly, fit to burst] I know that sound from when I worked on a sub in the navy. Tim : What happens now? Felix Myman: I'm going AWOL. [Exits] Al : Me too. [Exits] Tim : [to camera] I'm going down. Al : [In church] I'll just take a pew behind you. Tim : Most people use the bathroom, Al. Al : I can't find Tim. I checked the bathrooms. Men's AND women's. Al : It's difficult to go through life with a deviated septum. Tim : It could be worse. You could be working at the circus as Al the Donkey Boy. Tim : [Al has locked him out] Al, you can't end it like this. We've had a relationship for three years. Al : It's over between us. Tim : Al, open the door. Al : No. You should never have made that recording of me in bed. Tim : You all know my assistant, Al Borland... Al? We're on the air, Al! Al : [From inside the bathroom] What? [Rushes out] Al : You could have given me some warning. Tim : Where would the fun be in that? Al : The space between your ears could fill the Mall of America. Tim : [Hisses] Tim : Next, we'll try to convert some poor sap into Al's house guest. Al : Then we'll convert that stuff on your face into an actual beard. Tim : Gee, Al not everyone can grow a beard as fast as your mom. Tim : Hey Al, we need a fourth player for our poker game tonight. You wanna join us? Al : I haven't played in about ten years. Tim : Perfect. Tim : Al, what's your favorite part of gardening! Al : Getting down and dirty with my hoe! Heidi : Scott and I are separated. He moved out two weeks ago. Al : Heidi, I'm so sorry. Why didn't you say something about this before? Heidi : Because I didn't want to bring my personal problems to work. Tim : Why not? Heidi : Because you said, "Don't ever bring your personal problems to work". Tim : Since when do you listen to me? Heidi : Since you said I'd better start listening to you. Al : [to Tim] Nice going, Mr. Compassion! Al : Show me the hand signals for swinging the crane. Tim : Hello? Boom! [Shows him, accidentally breaking Al's home-made crane model] Tim : Oh, sorry, Al. Uh, well I guess that's it for the hand signals. Al : Actually, Tim, I do have one another hand signal for you that's not in the manual. Bridgette: How come everytime I drive by the plant, all that smoke is coming out of the stacks? Tim : THEY'RE SMOKESTACKS! Al : THEY'RE SMOKESTACKS! Tim : What do you expect to be coming out of there, Hi Karate? Some kind of whipped cream or something? What do you want? |
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